Nearly A Normal Eater

Stuffed Butternut Squash

2012-01-28T16:10:00.001-05:00

My dh and kids liked this recipe, which makes it an automatic keeper. The only thing I'd change would be to add in some beans or something. It didn't keep me full for long. It also made way too much stuffing for one squash. It probably would have stuffed 3 -- at least 2, anyway. It was quite tasty, anyway.

Stuffed Butternut Squash
serves 4
1 med onion, minced
2 med carrots, shredded
1 yellow bell pepper, seeded and chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 tsp turmeric
2 1/2c cooked brown rice
1 T minced fresh parsley
1 tsp dried sage
salt & pepper to taste
1 large winter squash, halved and seeded
1c hot water
Water sautee the onion, carrot, and bell pepper til softened, about 5 min. Stir in the garlic & turmeric. Then stir in the rice, parsley, and sage. Season w/salt & pepper to taste. Mix well and spoon mixture into the squash cavities.

Pour the water into a 6-qt oval slow cooker and add the squash halves, stuffing side up. Cover and cook on low 4-6 hours, til squash is tender. I don't have an oval slow cooker, so I cut the squash's "neck" off so the halves would fit -- I had to overlap one with the other, but I'd washed off the outside of the squash, so it was okay. I tucked the "necks" in on the sides. It worked okay, though it wasn't as pretty as it would have been if I'd had an oval cooker.

Kale = Blech! or Maybe Not?

2012-01-27T15:08:00.000-05:00

You can't turn around these days without reading about how fabulous greens are, especially kale and spinach. I like spinach and make my salads at home almost exclusively with spinach, but kale is another matter. I just don't much like it. I don't care for any cooked greens. The texture is unappealing to me, and though I choke them down, I really wouldn't eat them if they weren't so healthy. I've bought kale a few times and thrown it away two weeks later after it has turned to slime. I made the ubiquitous (in the healthy blogging world, anyway) kale chips, but eh. They weren't very good, IMO.

So, I brought home yet another bunch of organic kale a couple of weeks ago, determined to make a salad recipe I'd found in a cookbook. When the time came, I just didn't want to go to the trouble, and let the kale wilt for a week before I decided that I needed to cook it, at the very least. Maybe if I mixed it in with a bunch of other vegtables, I wouldn't notice it? I started a pot going, and threw in the kale, several ounces of spinach that were also getting old in the fridge, and a box of mushrooms that I'd bought with some vague intention of sauteeing. I rooted in the cupboard and found a jar of garlic salsa and poured that in. Hmmm. It was starting to look like stew. I added a jar of roasted red peppers packed in water that I'd had for months, and found most of a packet of sun dried tomatoes in the fridge that needed using up, and tossed those in as well. It looked quite unappetizing and I was wondering if I'd be able to make myself eat it when I had a brainstorm.

I've been kind of addicted to eating vegetables with spaghetti sauce lately. I really like spaghetti squash with it, but have taken to eating it on broccoli, green beans, cauliflower, mushrooms...whatever. What if I used my hand blender to blend the concoction into a "sauce" to use over my veggies. It would be so much healthier than jarred spaghetti squash, and heartier too! Here is the end result:

My photography may be less than stellar, but the sauce was absolutely fantastic! It made about six cups, and have been enjoying it on veggies all week. Toss a half cup of beans in and lunch kept me full for hours with no need for an afternoon snack. I put the ingredients into the Weight Watchers Recipe Builder, and it came out to 2 points for a cup. Low points and satisfying -- bonus! I may be eating a lot more kale now.

Weight Watchers was a definite disappointment this week. I really like my leader's manner and personality, but her content leaves something to be desired, especially for an aspiring vegan. This week's "theme" was maximizing your points. I assumed that she'd be discussing how to bulk up your meals by adding in vegetables -- extra veggies in casseroles, pureed veggies in sauces or smoothies...that kind of thing. But, no. She spent the entire time talking about milk, and how you should make sure to get in your milk servings because of all of the good protein, vitamins, and minerals milk has. Milk is so satisfying, etc. She spent quite a chunk of time going over all of the different smoothies you could make with the Weight Watchers brand smoothie mix. I haven't looked at the smoothie mix label, but if it has half of the artificial ingredients that are in the bars...well, no thanks. If I'm going to eat artificial crap, I'd rather eat a Pop Tart.

My weigh-in this week was less than stellar. I was up 2.4 lbs (1.2 on my home scale), but I wasn't really surprised. I went on a scrapbooking retreat last weekend and ate WW-unfriendly food all weekend. I went thinking that there'd be something reasonably healthy at each meal, but it didn't work out that way. Breakfast was home fries and a white flour bagel and peanut butter if I wanted to stay away from eggs and meat. Lunch on Saturday was pizza and caesar salad already pre-mixed, along with cookies. I didn't eat the cookies, but had to eat pizza and caesar or starve. Dinner on Friday was only meat for main dishes, so I had a big salad and had some cottage cheese and hard-boiled egg for some protein. Would it have killed them to have garbanzo beans on the salad bar? Dinner on Saturday was salmon, rice, vegetables, and potatoes. Everything was drenched in butter. I also had a piece of cheesecake -- just kind of giving up.

Sunday was a disaster for me. I got up at 4:45am, but brunch wasn't til 10am. I started out eating a banana and apple, but by the time we had brunch, I'd eaten a granola bar, pretzels, cookies, and who can remember what else? I got home, and the snacking continued, unabated. I ate some sugary cereal, Pop Tarts, chocolate....well, you don't really need to know the details. I did log everything in my WW online food diary. I'm trying to do that even when I overeat, so that I can clearly see the connection between what and how much I eat and losing/gaining weight or staying the same. I've never before been this faithful about keeping track of every bite and it's kind of interesting. I've found that it's very easy to think "Oh, I didn't overeat much", only to see that, well, yes I did!

After my Sunday eating fest, I got right back on task on Monday, and ended up eating only 23 points that day, and 26 the next (26 is the absolute minimum I'm supposed to eat). I tried to eat intuitively, and just wasn't very hungry. I'm hoping my weight gain will disappear at my weigh in next Wednesday.

Six Weeks In

2012-01-15T14:25:00.000-05:00

After six weeks on Weight Watchers, I've lost 5.8 pounds (8+ at home, but 5.8 on the WW meeting scale). I think I've still had only one week when I really didn't go over my allotted number of points, though this week is shaping up to be the second. Over the two weeks of Christmas and New Year's, I had a 1.2 gain, but lost it again by the following week. I was pretty pleased with that. I definitely overate for a couple of days when my brother and family were here the week before Christmas, on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and on New Year's Eve. I ate beyond satiety, and even felt kind of miserable due to the crappy carb/sugar overdose on a couple of those days. I didn't count points for three of the days -- just entered 99 points and sort of "gave up" -- though I didn't go on to eat everything in sight that day or the days after. Unlike my usual modus operandi, I started counting again the day after Christmas, and have counted every day since. Somehow, counting points doesn't make me as obsessive as counting calories. Maybe they don't seem quite as concrete. Or maybe it's because it isn't an exact system. When I've counted calories in the past, sooner or later I ended up thinking, "Ohhh, I have 50 calories left for the day...what can I eat?" whether I was hungry or not. For the past several weeks, I've had some desserts, crackers, pretzels, and the like here and there, but I enter the points and that's that. Perhaps it helps that I don't have any points left over at the end of the day? I don't know. Whatever the reason, it's working okay. I'm not focused on food 24/7, and I'm not feeling terribly deprived about staying away from the treats at work. We went to a potluck last night and I ate the beans and pita I brought (in case there were no vegan main dishes -- which was the case), a big helping of the yummy cole slaw I brought, and a hershey kiss. I didn't even feel like having a bit of anything else on the table, except a spoonful of hummus that I added to my pita. Now, there wasn't any fabulous looking homemade cheesecake or anything sitting there, so that definitely played a part. I'd like to think that trying to lose weight isn't playing havoc with my "normal(ish) eater" status.

Making really delicious vegan dinners that my family AND I will eat is helpful. Rather than trying to cook something for them and something separate for me, I've been looking for recipes that seem pretty lowfat, but likely candidates to escape the "ewww, what IS that?!?" comment. I also don't sit there with my boring beans and greens, watching them eat pizza or something. One of my successes from this past week was Red and Green Lentil Enchiladas from Peas and Thank You. I left the cheese out of half of it, and spinkled cheese over the top of the other half during the last 5 minutes of cooking time. My 9-year-old actually had seconds! I can't ever make enchiladas stay together, so I just tore the corn tortillas into small pieces and then layered it all like a casserole. It really was quite yummy. A couple of them also liked the stuffed butternut squash I made, but tasty as it was, it really didn't keep me full for very long. It was something like 9 points a serving too.

That's a complaint I still have about the Weight Watchers points system. I've entered some really healthy, lowfat recipes into the recipe builder and had them come out to 16 points a serving. That's a big chunk if your daily maximum is 26 (without using extra or exercise points). It seems kind of silly that an extremely healthy vegan dish could have more points than pizza! In my WW meeting last week, we were discussing planning. I raised my hand and said that I spent 20 min or so every Sunday planning my week's dinners, making a shopping list, and entering the recipes into the recipe builder so I knew how many points were in a serving. I commented that sometimes vegan recipes I thought were really healthy turned out to be pretty high in points. The point I was trying to make is that I then planned the rest of my day's food to be lower, but the leader went off on a tangent about how beans are full of fiber, but also high in calories. Really? 110 calories in half a cup of beans -- with lots of fiber and virtually no fat isn't what I'd call high in calories! It's far healthier for you than a chicken breast! Argh.

They also handed out free samples of a snack bar you can buy at your meeting. Whoa. It was "only 2 points!" but had a list of ingredients as long as my arm. Scary ingredients. WW is really missing the boat here. They have a real opportunity to teach people about eating for health, and they're hawking foods that are full of artificial crap. If they are going to sell snack bars, why not make a bar like the Kind bar or the Larabar? In the 1970s, WW made people eat liver, for pete's sake! You can't tell me they couldn't convince people to move toward a less processed diet. Oh, sigh. If I were in charge of the world...

I watched this video, and found it really interesting, though it really only makes the point that I'd already kind of figured out -- that I mentioned in my last post, actually. If you are pre-disposed genetically to being overweight, the only way to lose weight and keep it off without going hungry is to eat only healthy food. The more pre-disposed to overweight you are, the less processed food you can eat, even healthy things like whole wheat pasta or bread. The think I liked about the video is that the doctor is very non-judgmental. He just states it the way it is.

A Bit Disenchanted

2011-12-15T20:52:00.000-05:00

With a daily average of 33 "points" on WW (not counting any earned for activity), I find that I am sometimes hungry. Each point is worth about 50 calories, so that's 1650 calories a day for me. It's not exactly 50 per point, but that's a fair approximation. Anyway, I find that I AM hungry with that many points, but not terribly hungry. I want to be hungry for meals anyway -- food tastes so much better if I am. The real restriction for me is that I can't really eat anything "extra" without being hungry. If I "spend" points on a cookie, that's less nutritious, filling food I can eat. So even though they SAY "you can eat anything you want", you really can't if you don't want to spend part of the day hungry. At my points level, anyway. I imagine that if I used 33 points a day on healthy, nutritious food only, I might not really be all that hungry. There haven't been too many days like that, though. Unfortunately, a few of my days have been 60 or 100 points, while others have been 21. Not very smart or healthy of me.
Honestly, I've averaged something like 40 points a day since I started and I've still lost 5 pounds. I think I've gotten away with such a high average because I'm usually quite active. Aside from purposeful daily exercise, I usually get 10,000-12,000 steps a day on my pedometer.

I was a bit disappointed in our last WW meeting because the leader actually brought up the stupid 1 point hot dog! Here I was thinking that WW had changed over the past 6 years since I first joined, but apparently, it hasn't changed all THAT much. The discussion was on how to provide variety to prevent boredom with your meals, and we were talking about sandwich outsides, fillings, and sauces. Someone had mentioned a hot dog bun, which she said you could really fill with anything, but if you wanted a hot dog, what was the best kind to buy? I wanted to yell out "one with no nitrates", but didn't have the nerve. Someone suggested a turkey dog, and the leader said you'd think that, but no! There was a FAT FREE 1 POINT HOT DOG out there! I was glad that a member challenged the leader by asking about all of the crap you'd put in your body by eating a fat free hot dog, but the leader took the easy way out. She said WW isn't here to tell you what to eat because that is up to you. They are simply here to help you know what you can eat and stay within your points. I thought that was a rather specious answer. As a leader, I would assume she is there partly to provide a healthy example of the way to maintain your weight loss. Apparently not.

Weight Watching

2011-12-08T16:50:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make. I joined Weight Watchers. I know, I know -- I am now kicked out of the "intuitive eaters" club. My coworker was joining and I went along. I was prepared to hate it, but I have to say that I am very impressed with the changes they've made in the 6 or so years since I previously joined (for a whopping few weeks). The amount of "points" I have to spend on food is enough to keep me from going hungry, provided I don't eat a bunch of fat or sugar filled foods. I suppose that could be said of any "diet", couldn't it? Fruits and vegetables are now "free", except for peas, corn, and potatoes. It does seem a bit out of whack that a baked potato and a big mall pretzel both have five points, but the point system has been overhauled mostly to the good, as far as I can tell. No more encouraging people to eat 1 point hot dogs.

I was really happy with the leader the first week. She talked about how she doesn't cook so she eats in restaurants twice a day every day (whoa...) and eats whatever she wants, not just dry chicken breasts and salad. She went down a bit in my estimation this week when she discussed getting rid of things in your environment so you won't eat them. I know it makes sense -- Brian Wansink showed in his book about mindless eating that people ate more m&ms when they were visible -- so, out of sight, out of mind. Or out of kitchen, out of mouth. BUT, again you have the problem of not being able to throw out all of the m&ms in the world. Sooner or later, you'll be faced with a buffet and you may stuff yourself with multiple desserts, dips, chips, and other foods you haven't seen in weeks or months -- if you haven't made peace with food.

I was going along well til we went to a part on Saturday night. I took some vegan chili so I'd have something to eat, but ended up overeating because I took a few spoonfuls of other things and got overfull. Can you say TRIGGER? I had a few small spoonfuls of desserts and was even more full. Then more people -- with more desserts -- arrived and I had some MORE desserts. I estimated my point intake that day to be about 100 (when I'm allotted 26 per day plus 49 "extra" per week, plus points for activity). However, because I felt accountable to my coworker and WW, I was able to put it behind me and not continue with that behavior for the rest of the week. Rather than throwing in the towel, I ate intuitvely on Sunday. That meant that I actually ate only 21 points. You really aren't supposed to eat fewer than 26, but I honestly wasn't very hungry (perhaps because I overate on Saturday night?). We went out to IHOP for breakfast and I ordered one of the "healthy" omelets. There wasn't anything vegan on the menu that was healthy, and I figured it wouldn't kill me to eat some egg substitute. That was around 9:30am and I wasn't hungry for lunch until 4pm!

On Monday I still wasn't very hungry and ate under 26 points. I ended up with a four pound weight loss for my first week, which surprised me. I ate normally on Tuesday and Wednesday, and so far today. I've been doing fairly well with the McDougall diet, though I can't give up my one Lindt truffle a day or my coffee. I've discovered that I love broccoli and other cooked vegetables with spaghetti sauce (meatless, of course) and hot sauce over them. Mmmmmm.........

Change is Slow

2011-11-25T20:28:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how I went from writing a blog that hardly anyone ever looked at to being the target of spammers, but what the h*ll? I'm suddenly getting half a dozen comments on every blog post -- all of which belong to spammers who have shady weight loss sites. I've deleted at least 100 comments over the past couple of months. Oy. Moving on...

Since my last post, I've been attempting to move toward the McDougall way of eating, with mixed results. I haven't been overly hungry, so it fits in well with eating intuitively and not starving. I've not had any meat that I can recall, and I can't say I've really missed it. I haven't had much cheese, had no eggs or yogurt, and no cows' milk. Heh. Let me rephrase that. I've had no eggs or milk plain. I have, however, eaten some baked goods that I'm sure contained those ingredients. I baked a vegan cake for my daughter's birthday (she is on a kick to give up dairy), but then proceeded to eat ice cream at her party...and for several days afterward. I've stayed away from most of the goodies at work, but have had days of just plain giving in and snarfing down a doughnut or a few mini candy bars or a few cookies. It's also hard to feed my family things like pizza and not have any.

For thanksgiving yesterday, I did well at eating sensibly -- skipping the turkey and white store-bought rolls, and eating cranberries, the vegan quinoa stuffing I baked, the vegan sweet potato casserole I baked, the vegan mashed potatoes I made....then I ate a piece of banana bread my SIL brought and the downhill slide started. I ate several pieces of pie -- there were five to choose from, and though I started with small pieces of three, I went back and ended up overstuffed after at least five pieces. I felt like crap. I continued to feel like crap today after eating leftovers. After weeks of not stuffing myself, I stepped right back into the role of out-of-control binger.

I feel as though I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. When I deny myself for health reasons, I act like a kid left alone in a candy store when I am around things like peanut butter pie and chocolate pudding pie (yesterday) and I overeat them. Yet, I can't eat that stuff on a regular basis and "legalize it" unless I want to take cholesterol medication for the rest of my life.

I've made some recipes from the McDougall cookbooks, and they are bland with a capital B. I know that they probably are that way on purpose since he advocates as little salt intake as possible. I made a squash/sweet potato/carrot soup and added about half a tablespoon of adobo chili powder to each serving. I made a potato corn chowder and added a ton of chipotle chili powder to that. Hmmm...maybe I have ruined my tastebuds by adding Sriracha to everything and anything? I have discovered that potatoes are really quite satisfying. I had a grapefruit and a small potato with catsup for breakfast one day and wasn't super hungry til noon. Since I wake up at 4:45am, that's quite a feat. Of course, I didn't EAT the potato and fruit until 7am, but my oatmeal/banana/flaxseed/almond butter breakfasts never stay with me til noon.

For many lunches, I've just been throwing a bunch of frozen veggies in a bowl and layering 1/2c of a grain (brown rice, millet, wheatberries, barley, quinoa...) on top of them, 1/2 cup of beans (black, pinto, etc) on top of that, and then drizzling some vegan "cheesy" sauce (fat free) and Sriracha on top of that. It's quite filling and satisfies me for hours, most days.

I had lost a few pounds, but after the last couple of days of pie gluttony, I have probably put them right back on. However, the only way to fail is to stop trying, right?

Time for a Change?

2011-10-23T16:46:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've gotten excited about a new way of eating -- dare I say "diet"? So, I guess it's time. I'm being facetious, but I do feel kind of "stuck" lately. I saw the movie "Forks Over Knives", and wow, it provided a lot of food for thought (ha ha -- no pun intended!). After watching it I wanted to run out and buy a bunch of vegetables and throw all of the chips and sugar in my kitchen straight into the trash can. Reality intruded when I realized the revolt my family would stage if I announced I was never again going to cook their beloved (nitrate free, locally raised) bacon, or buy sugary cereal. Over the past 18 months or so, I've evolved into a more vegetarian cooking style, and I've introduced my childen to the love of hummus and lentil sloppy joes. I only cook meat a couple of times a week (and I don't usually eat any), but whenever we go to a restaurant, they celebrate with steaks the size of a dinner plate, BLTs, fried chicken strips, and french fries. I always thought I couldn't totally be vegan because I like yogurt so much, but the movie kind of turned me off dairy products.

I have lost and gained the same 8 lbs or so over and over again for that same time period. Stuck. After Dr. John McDougall was mentioned in the movie, I did an online search to find out about him, and interloaned his books from the library. They're pretty dated, but intriguing. His book on reversing heart disease is enough to scare the fat right off you, though he offers a lot of hope in the form of patients who went on his diet and reversed their disease. I don't have heart disease (maybe I do, but I don't know it if so...), so I checked out his other books, and liked what I read for the most part. He advocates a vegan diet with whole grains, starchy vegetables & legumes, fruit, and non-starchy vegetables, fruit, no caffeine, very little salt and sugar, and no fat. None. That part...well, I wonder if he still pushes that since studies were published 8 years ago (or so) showing how fat helps the body absorb all of the good stuff from the veggies.

His ideas appeal to me more than Dr. Joel Fuhrman because of the grains & starchy veggies. I was trying to force down gigantic salads and huge bowls of vegetables and avoid bread, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, butternut squash, potatoes, and other things I adore. Dr. F advises only 1 cup of whole grains OR starchy vegetables a day, and that was used up with my morning oatmeal. Dr. M is a bit vague on specific serving sizes, but from what I gather, he would recommend that your mealtime plate be 1/3 starchy vegetable or legume, 1/3 whole grain, and 1/3 green/yellow vegetable. If you want to lose weight more quickly, change it to 1/2 green/yellow veg, avoid bread & pasta, and limit fruit to 2 per day.

I still have the dessert problem to contend with, but he writes in the book that if you eat your starchy vegetables and grains, you won't crave something sweet after your meal. I thought that was ridiculous -- he has obviously never met me -- but I admit that it's kind of true. I've been eating "Dr M" type lunches this week, and haven't had that immediate "now I need chocolate" urge after lunch. I also didn't get that hollow, OMG I'm STARVING feeling at 4pm that I usually have at work. I don't think I've lost any weight -- maybe a little -- but I made a pact not to weigh myself until at least January 1. It was making me slightly crazy, and I don't need that.

I want to try out this way of eating more seriously, but I think I'll add in a few nuts with my vegetables, especially if I eat greens. It's a little easier right now because my husband is working nights and doesn't want to eat dinner with us (since it's breakfast time for him), so I can whip up something really simple for the girls and a different dinner for me. I haven't been baking much because my teenage daughter is trying to stay away from dairy in hopes it will help with her complexion, so I don't have a lot of tempting baked goods around. It will be a whole different ballgame when Tim goes back to days in a couple of months. There are, however, some really tasty sounding recipes in the McDougall cookbook and in this books, so maybe it will all work out if I stick with it.

Acceptance

2011-09-14T10:23:00.000-04:00

You have heard (read?) me whingeing about work many times on this blog. I came back this past summer from my vacation feeling dread, rather than returning with the usual enthusiasm I regain while on a break. I was absolutely miserable. I felt crabby and didn't want to be there. I felt dismay that I'd have to work at least 15 more years, mostly unhappy about it. THEN, I had...well, I guess an epiphany, for lack of a better word. An online friend of mine posted on FB that she'd counseled a client of hers (she's a life coach) that she didn't have to fret so much about her situation, she simply had to accept it. Huh. Accept it. Yes, I could do that. I can't change the circumstances at work that have made me dislike it so often, and I can't change my lazy coworkers. However, I can accept the fact that I can't change those things, and simply try to enjoy the time I'm there for the reasons I DO like it. I love helping people, I love the kids, I love doing storytime, I love seeing new books, I love setting up a nice display, and I really do enjoy most of my coworkers. I accept the fact that there are things I loathe, and that's that.

Breaking Out of My Comfort Zone

2011-07-16T20:37:00.002-04:00

Um, yea...that bloodwork? Still haven't gone. I'm seeing my doctor on Monday for my yearly checkup and I'm not excited about the lecture I'll get. It's totally out of character for me to avoid knowing my cholesterol level. I'm the first one to run to the doctor with a suspicious bump on my skin, convinced it's skin cancer. I never miss a yearly checkup, and I jumped at the chance to have genetic testing eleven years ago. I almost always do everything I'm told to do to recover from an injury or surgery. I just feel like my risks for heart attack or stroke are low. Yes, my cholesterol is probably high, but my blood pressure is normal, I eat lots of veggies, fruits, beans (and not much meat), and I exercise every day. I don't drink, smoke, or do recreational drugs. I'm going to bring these facts up to my doctor and see what she says. She'll probably point out that I'm overweight.

I am doing a decent job of trying to push the boundaries of my comfort lately. I signed up for golf lessons in the spring, and actually made it through all six. I've gone through these particular lessons twice previously and skipped at least two of them each session. I got all panicky that I wasn't good enough, was going to be stared at or thought of as a bad golfer, or chastized by the teacher for not practicing, or I was just too tired to go....or whatever. This time I talked an acqaintance into signing up with me so that I HAD to go (we rode together), and I signed up on Saturday morning, so I didn't have the "too tired" excuse. I took vacation time on the two Saturdays that I would have had to work, so it all worked out. I was pretty proud of myself for making it through the lessons, and when the instructor mentioned the Wednesday night beginners golf league he runs, I was tempted to join. I dismissed the idea, since I'm not a good golfer. After all, if you aren't good at something, why bother? (has truly always been my secret thought in the past about...well, about pretty much everything) However, my friend Julie asked if I wanted to be her partner in the league and "yes" popped out of my mouth. Oh. My. Word. The first week of play I was sooooo incredibly nervous and scared and panicked. But, it was fine. Totally fine. Yes, I'm bad. So is my partner (she's actually worse than I am, most weeks). Big deal. It's a beginners' league, so we're expected to be bad. Everyone we've played so far has been very gracious and patient. I feel so confident now that when my dh asked me if I was planning to play in his dad's family's 86th annual golf tournament, I said yes without any hesitation.

We joined the neighborhood weight loss challenge again this summer, and they added a new component. We get points for showing up to a weekly exercise activity on Sunday afternoons. The first week's activity was beach volleyball. Let me tell you, the last time I had played volleyball was at least 20 years ago. I went to a game with my then-boyfriend, who pressured me into playing in spite of my protestations that I was awful and didn't want to play. Sure enough, I didn't hit the ball once. Not one single solitary time. At first there was laughter -- nervous laughter on my part and "isn't this fun?" laughter on the part of the other players. As the game went on, there were fewer laughs and more sympathetic looks from others, as I got hotter and hotter with mortification. There was grim silence when the game finally, mercifully ended. So, you can understand my reticence about playing with my neighbors. Not to mention the whole "not allowed to jump, run, hop after shattering leg" thing. They told me I could just show up and get points without playing (they all know about my leg), so even my dh was quite surprised when I said I'd try playing. I figured that since it was on sand, my knee might be okay. And it was. My knee was pretty sore the next day, but playing was fine. I wasn't great, but I wasn't horrible. I hit the ball quite a few times and wasn't a total disgrace to my team. It was even kind of fun. Kind of. My dh was very proud of me for playing and I was too.

Spring!

2011-04-09T17:13:00.001-04:00

Ah spring! I have hyacinth, Grecian wildflowers, and crocus coming up in my yard, which is always very cheering. However, rabbits or deer or squirrels seem to have dug up most of my crocuses. Annoying. I'm so sick of the stationary bike and elliptical and I can't wait for it to be just a bit warmer, so I can bike outside.

My March commitment to eating for health wavered a bit. On the one hand, I've been eating more vegan meals than ever -- even when eating out, I have looked for a vegan or at least vegetarian option. I've walked 10,000+ steps a day on most days, as well as doing cardio on the stat bike or elliptical 5-6 days a week. On the other hand...I had a few episodes of overeating. I won't call them binges because I didn't end up eating so much that I made myself sick. It was more like consciously choosing to overeat because I was anxious/bored/feeling powerless. I had days when I chose not to use food and I felt so strong and capable of dealing with any and all emotions that I wondered why on earth I ever chose the opposite. Then there were the days when I ate another piece of toast, another piece of dessert, another whatever until I was way overfull and feeling hopeless that I'll ever be a normal eater. Our neighborhood contest ended (whew) and we came in last place this time. I lost 7 lbs and dh lost 20 or so, but everyone else was far more into it this time. That's okay -- if we'd won a second time, I would have felt guilty. I ended March weighing pretty much the same as I did at the beginning, which is okay, but not very exciting.

I've been reading the revised version of Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I'm not sure what is revised about it. It's been a while since I read the original, so I don't remember it all that well. Anyway, you certainly can't argue with the results. People with cholesterol levels below 100 (that's TOTAL cholesterol!)? Yes, please! However, I just can't imagine being able to eat only two grain servings a day and no bread, no pancakes, no ice cream. Well, he does say you can eat those things occasionally, but that you should stick to a vegan, super low fat diet 90% of the time. I have gotten to the point that I eat 2 servings of fruit, 6+ servings of vegetables, and 1/2-1 cup of beans on most days. I've cut way back on cheese, having only a sprinkle of feta on my pizza or salad occasionally. I eat meat only about once every few weeks, if that. I can't really remember the last time I did eat it. I've been using unsweetened almond milk in my morning oatmeal. I am still enjoying greek yogurt though; I just don't care for soy yogurts. I probably eat too much nut butter, and have still been eating too much sugar. Dessert -- my eternal temptation. I have only 1/2tsp of sugar in my morning cup of coffee, and none in my oatmeal as long as I have half a banana to cook into it, but still long to eat ice cream, cookies, and graham crackers. I had chocolate in my cupboard for so long that it went past the "good by" date, but if cookies are around, I have difficulty sticking to just one and difficulty not eating one or more every day. I'm still hoping that I can move even closer to the "Eat to Live" way of eating. My doctor is sending me for bloodwork and, since I haven't been taking my cholesterol medication on any sort of regular basis, I'm a bit nervous to see what the results will be.

I decided last week that I'd treat my carnivorous family to a week of meat-filled meals. They had been uncomplainingly eating meatless meals for weeks, so I wanted to treat them. I made steak, roast, pork chops, ribs, and bacon all in the space of ten days. That didn't work out too well for anyone except my husband. My 13-year-old announced that she wanted to become a vegetarian after watching a movie in school about slaughterhouses, and my 8-year-old ate only a bite of two of each meat. Today she told me that she is a vegetarian. Huh. At least that daughter likes beans. So, I am back to meatless meals most of the time. Poor dh will have to get his meat fixes when we eat out. I will cook meat for them sometimes -- they both still love bacon -- but mostly will skip it. Here is one recipe that was a fair success with all. They ate it with flour tortillas:

Ethiopian Vegetable Stew -- makes 6 cups
1T of olive oil
4 c coarsely chopped cabbage
3 c chopped onions
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp turmeric
2 c water
2T tomato paste (did you know you can buy tomato paste in a tube? genius!)
3 c carrot chunks (1 1/2-2-inch pieces)
3 c green beans (about 1/2lb)
1 1/2c potato chunks
1/2 tsp salt (I left it out and let people salt at the table)
1/4 tsp black pepper
Heat the oil over medium-high and add cabbage, onions, and garlic, Cook about 4 min, til cabbage is wilted. Stir in turmeric.

Add water and tomato paste; stir until combined. Add the carrots and green beans. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, 1 1/4 hours. Add the potatoes, salt, and pepper; simmer, covered 25-30 minutes longer. Add 1/4c additional water, if necessary.

I think this would have been good with eggplant, summer squash, or zucchini added too, though I wouldn't put it in until you add the potatoes. Otherwise, mush. This picture doesn't make it look all that appealing, but it was tasty. The lighting in our house is TERRIBLE. Everything looks yellow.

More Ups and Downs

2011-03-12T17:51:00.000-05:00

I really wanted to give up something for lent, but giving up sweets last year didn't work out so well. I was successful, but ate way too many sweets on Sundays (which aren't technically part of lent -- doesn't that seem like a cop out?). I debated trying to eat a healthy vegan diet for lent, but in the end, didn't want to do anything that might trigger restriction panic. I decided to try and eat vegan four days a week. I started Ash Wednesday, and wow, is it far more difficult than I had envisioned! I wanted a few chocolate chips on a graham cracker, but the chips had "milk solids" in the ingredients, so that was out. I bought some bread at Great Harvest, but it had egg yolks in the ingredients, so that was out. I swear I never wanted Greek yogurt so badly as I did on Thursday, though I usually go days without having any. Thankfully, my family has eaten three vegan dinners in a row without complaint. None were incredibly successful, though they seemed to like the "shepherd's pie" pretty well. I can say with certainty that sticking to a vegan diet for life would be extremely hard for me.

Lately, I've been up and down more than a roller coaster. In my weekly weigh-ins for the neighborhood contest (which is, thankfully, almost over), I've been up one pound, down 1.5 lbs, up 2 pounds, down 1 lb, etc, etc. Overall, I've lost 7.4 lbs since January 1, which isn't thrilling, but isn't anything to weep over. Unfortunately, I can't say that my eating has been stellar. I usually eat very healthfully Mon-Thurs, but fall apart after the Friday weigh-in. That's why I'm glad the contest is almost over. I want to get back to not feeling pressured to lose weight. It is fun to do this with my neighbors because it makes me feel like part of a group, but I sort of hope dh doesn't want to do it this summer if they start it up again. At least he isn't as determined to win this time. He doesn't really care how we do - he just wants to lose a bit of weight. He isn't really overweight - maybe 5-10 lbs?

I have gotten really good at pinpointing exactly why I want to eat when I'm not hungry, though I don't always let that awareness keep me from doing it. Unfortunately, too many times it's because I don't want to do something. I need to just do it - whatever it may be. Or not do it, and not feel guilty about it. Sometimes you just need to lie around on the couch and read a book.

I just finished a book called Hungry, by Allen Zadoff. It was a very interesting read, though it seems that he decided that his problem was a lack of willpower, and only abstinence could save him. He never names them, but it seemed like he joined OA. He is not a believer of "everything in moderation", but rather thinks that compulsive eaters need to abstain from sugar -- or whatever foods trigger them. Anyway, one thing he said that I identified with was that he always rationalized that he stayed home because he was too fat. I'm paraphrasing from memory here, but he thought he didn't socialize or date because he was too fat - but the real reason was that he was out of control with his eating. When I feel like I'm spiraling out of control, or have had some "bad" days of mindless munching and/or overeating and/or bingeing, I just want to put on my pjs after work and not go anywhere. I don't even want to run the errands that I really NEED to run. I just want to hibernate. I think I don't want to go to so-and-so's tupperware party because I feel fat, but it's really because I feel out of control. I am scared that I will inhale the entire snack table and sit there feeling bloated and miserable, because the truth is that I already feel miserable before I go. Here's to fewer of those days, and more....normal....days.

A Month of (Mostly) Healthy Eating

2011-02-02T16:50:00.000-05:00

Wow -- it's February 2, and I've eaten to nourish my body instead of eating to abuse it for an entire month. It didn't really seem very difficult. Making the effort to make sure I am eating at least five servings of vegetables every day definitely makes a difference. As does making an effort to cut way back on eating sugar and snack-type carbohydrates. I've been sauteeing a big batch of vegetables every few days and putting them in the fridge. Then I can just put a bunch into a large bowl, add in half a cup or so of a whole grain, squirt on some sriracha, and plop on half a cup of beans for some protein. I also finally found some nutritional yeast, though I had to buy it online. I don't really think it adds a "cheesy" flavor though -- maybe I'm not using enough.

Anyway, my resolution to eat dessert only once a week has had only spotty success, but eating one square of dark chocolate in a day isn't really going to hurt me too much. I've been exercising, but not too much, and cooking my family more vegetarian meals than they'd like to eat. They're very good about it though. I had only one small setback during the month. We have to weigh in on Fridays for our neighborhood contest, and I got on the scale last Friday to see a .4 lb gain. It was temporary - we'd gone to eat at a French Bistro the night before, where I'd overindulged in French cheese and flatbread pizza with carmelized onions and goat cheese. However, I allowed the stupid number to get me down, and I went into a bit of a tailspin. I overate snacks, chocolate, and cookies at a scrapbooking crop I hosted that evening, and continued overeating the next day. That evening, I had a stern "talking to" with my inner critic, and successfully shut her up. I went back to healthier eating the next day and have been okay since then.

I feel really good. I think keeping my blood sugar on an even keel and eating food that is good for me has helped me be less crabby, and my knees haven't been hurting as much. I've also been my old, energetic self. On to month two!

New Start Update

2011-01-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

I still feel great! I've been focusing on eating sugar only sparingly and I must admit that I'm falling asleep more quickly (I was having some wicked insomnia in December), and no longer feeling sleepy in the afternoons. I've stuck to my decision to eat 5+ servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit every day, and I've not been going hungry. I seriously think that the secret to being satisfied with less food is to eat lots of greens and beans. In my quest to eat a mostly plant based diet, I've been eating beans almost every day, and when I have a nice vegetable stir fry with a bit of olive oil and a half cup of beans thrown in, it is tasty and filling. There have been many days when I haven't eaten the afternoon snack I've brought to work because I've not been hungry enough until almost dinnertime. Of course, that could also be because not eating sweets is keeping my blood sugar on an even keel. Whatever. I worry a bit that I am just feeling that "high" you get when you decide to eat better or lose weight...you know, that feeling that wears off by the 100th celery stick?

Have I felt deprived? Hmmmm. It's been fairly easy not to feel that way because the river of goodies at work has slowed to a trickle, and we don't have a dozen different kinds of cookies at home. I have my Christmas stocking chocolates at work, but haven't even opened them. I just don't feel like eating them. I made a dessert last week to use up some cream cheese I had, and yes, I definitely wanted to eat more than the few bites I had. I decided to stop after one small piece though, and it was okay. I'm sure that no matter what happens in my life, I will ALWAYS want more dessert. Right now, it's a matter of which I want more -- lots of dessert or knees that don't hurt. Choosing the knees at the moment. As far as the rest of my food, I've made some delicious things like homemade pizza with ww crust, mushrooms, sun dried tomatoes and blue cheese, hoisin braised tempeh (still don't LOVE tempeh -- I think I need to find a less earthy flavored brand), beer chaser chili, and veggie burger stew. Eating healthy food that tastes delicious is much less punishing that eating diet bread with low cal lunchmeat and raw vegetables for lunch (as I did every freaking day of my starvation days).

Our neighborhood contest is chugging along. Tim and I haven't won either week, but we haven't been in last place either. I've lost almost 5 pounds since the first of the year, but you know -- most of it is probably the bloat I gained over the holidays.

I'm leaving in 15 minutes for a scrapbooking retreat. I was getting into a terrible tizzy about it last night, thinking about the not-so-stellar food usually served, the endless buffet of unhealthy snacks that is always out, and the late nights that lead to unwise food choices. This morning I woke up and realized that I was all jacked up for nothing. I can either choose wisely and eat mindfully or I can come home on Sunday filled with regret, remorse, and cholesterol coursing through me. I packed up some healthy snacks: clementines, apples, almonds, energy bars, and almond butter. Mindful, here I come.

New Year, New Beginnings

2011-01-07T20:31:00.000-05:00

I always love the start of a new year. I'm one of THOSE people who believes that it is a fresh start, and THIS year I'll get it right. It is a rare year that I actually achieved any of the resolutions I made with such hope, but I think the day I stop trying is the day...well, I hope I never see that day.

This year, I resolved to take at least one photo each week. That may sound pitiful, but last year's idea to take one each day lasted about three days, so hopefully this is more realistic. I also have a couple of scrapbooking projects in mind, and I want to pay for things in cash whenever possible. We pay off our credit card bills every month, but paying cash definitely makes me more mindful (see previous post! :-)) and makes me question whether or not I really need that cute ________________. It's better for my girls to see that money runs out too, rather than just seeing me slap a credit card on the counter to pay for everything.

Then, there's the question of making resolutions to lose weight or be healthier. I'm pretty sure I've made one or the other every year. Sometimes I've been pretty successful, sometimes not so much. I definitely want to lose weight. My knees are protesting every time I walk up the stairs, I've started grunting when I stand up from the couch, and I really don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe. I have no interest in starving, however. My initial action is going to be to eat at least 5 servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit every day, and to avoid eating dessert more than once a week. I'm rather sick of sugar anyway, after the weeks of eating half a dozen cookies every day. A group of friends asked us to join in a "couples biggest l*ser" contest. My husband wanted to do it, and I did too. We are mainly doing it for the fun, so I don't think I'll get all weird about it. One of the husbands set up a website, complete with "smack talk" board, and they have organized Sunday family walks at a local orchard.

So far, I've felt good about eating more healthily. I already feel more energized - it's amazing what eating broccoli instead of cookies does for your body and your psyche.

Staying Present

2010-12-03T16:15:00.000-05:00

I am REALLY REALLY bad at staying present/staying in the moment/staying mindful. However you want to put it, I suck at it. I recently realized that I rarely live in the moment. I spend all of my time looking forward to the next thing, the next weekend, the next holiday, the next vacation, the next.... whatever. I count down the months, weeks, and days until my vacations, and then spend them feeling out of sorts, cranky, and unsettled. I think I put so much expectation into what they will be like that I can never be satisfied with what they actually are. Looking back, I can't remember the last time a vacation was truly relaxing and happy. Oh, there were happy and relaxing parts, but much of the time was filled with crabbiness, snapping at my family, and eating out of control. Holidays too. I seriously can't recall the last holiday that I didn't overeat desserts until I felt sick. I guess I'm trying to get the sweetness that I think should be through sweet food? Maybe that's too obvious.

I seem to spend a lot of time feeling "fat" on holidays and on vacations. Fat isn't a feeling, so how do I really feel? Sad that the time isn't what I had expected and/or wanted? I think I am in mourning for holidays and vacations past. You know, those days when everything was warm, fuzzy, loving, and "just right". I am a person who doesn't want things to change. Truthfully, I am someone who fights change. But, life does change. Tim's siblings are now married and have children and stepchildren. Not everyone can make it to the celebration due to work or a significant other's family obligations, and things aren't quite as effortless as they were before, even when everyone is present. There are strangers there. My mom isn't there to be the mom and Tim's mom is too physically disabled to be the mom. My SIL and I have to be the moms. I don't want to be the mom. I want someone to make me fudge and cook a wonderful dinner and just show up with a dish to pass. I don't want to be the one who has to make the wonderful dinner. I think I need to work on accepting the new normal. I either spend hours cooking the perfect food, or accept store bought rolls and some convenience food. I need to just let it be and enjoy what is, rather than feeling sad and regretful for what has been.

I'm going to work on that.

Starting Over. Really? How Many Times Do I Have to Do This Before it Sticks???

2010-11-19T17:10:00.000-05:00

I have now eaten myself back to my weight of three summers ago. Oy. I have run out of excuses for it, and I need to once again start the work. Not the work of losing weight -- though, yes, that would be lovely -- but the emotional work of straightening myself out.

I had surgery about two weeks ago, and told myself that once it was done, I'd be okay. I'd start eating more sensibly. I haven't really been bingeing exactly -- simply overeating and snacking when not hungry, especially on sweets. Ugh. I had the surgery, had a few days of normal eating, and went back to munching mindlessly. Then I told myself that it was stress over waiting for the results from the lab. Yesterday I got those results and everything is fine. I still wanted to eat today when not hungry. So....back to the starting line. Back to the basics that I learned in therapy.

I've actually been doing quite well with eating more slowly. I'm not usually the first one done at dinner these days, and I am realizing I'm full before my plate is empty, even when I take small portions. Sometimes I eat the rest anyway. So, back to trying to pause. Pause before eating when not hungry, and pause before eating more from my plate. Pause. Pause. Pause. And feel. Feeling. Yep, that's the hard part.

In pausing sometimes over the past few days, I've realized that I have a lot of anxiety over my surgery -- or rather the aftermath of it. I had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed because I have one of the "bre*st c*ncer genes", which confers a 44% chance of ov*rian c*ncer by age 70, 20% at age 50. At 46, I was beginning to fear that every abdominal twinge I had was the big C, so I told my doctor I was ready. However, I wasn't really ready. I am scared that menop*use will mean that I will gain 30 lbs, grow a mustache, and lose all my sex drive, get wrinkly, and lose all appeal I have for my husband. Yes, part of me knows that is really catastrophic thinking, but even after six years (since our separation) I still feel somewhat raw when it comes to my dh's feelings toward me. The man acts as though he really loves me, but does he REALLY...(so goes my thinking)...as soon as our children are grown, will he suddenly announce that he no longer loves me and wants a divorce? Then I'll be a lonely 56-year-old fat woman with a mustache. I would feel comfortable sharing my concerns with him, but I don't want to hurt his feelings (that I am STILL insecure several years after we repaired our marriage), so I hesitate. I did tell him about my menop*sal fears, and it didn't really help matters any when he said, "Just don't grow a mustache". Thanks, honey. I can probably stop being afraid for a while anyway, since my doctor put me on HRT drugs to help me over the rough spots, but eventually I'll have to face it.

So, I'm working on just feeling my anxiety, and not eating over it. What will be will be, and eating everything in sight certainly won't help with that fear of weight gain. I'll let you know how it's going....

Judge Not

2010-09-18T15:11:00.000-04:00

If only I'd remember that...judge not. I am a pretty judgmental person, which is something I really dislike about myself. At least I usually keep my opinions to myself. However, I have raved several times to my husband and SIL and other people about my MIL's eating habits. Perhaps I have even done so on this blog. I probably have. Anyway, she is diabetic, morbidly obese, and has congestive heart failure going on. Even so, she orders things like french toast when we go out to eat, and doesn't even try to stick to eating the way a diabetic should. I have always felt angry about it, because she is my kids' only grandmother and I'm afraid that she isn't going to live to see them grow up. I have groused about what I judge to be her irresponsibility in caring for her health. I have realized lately that I should have kept my big mouth shut. I now must open it to eat my words.

I set out this summer determined to control my cholesterol with my diet. I already exercised, but was convinced that if I ate a low fat, low sugar, vegan diet, I'd lose some weight and my cholesterol would magically drop to normal levels. I did okay on this eating regimen for a while, but since our vacation, I have completely thrown it out the window. I am still not eating much meat, but I have more than made up for it in sugary stuff like ice cream, chocolate, Pop Tarts, and cookies. I have even been eating things lately that I haven't eaten in years. I bought and ate 2 oz of ham spread last week. HAM SPREAD! I haven't eaten ham spread since...well, since I was a kid maybe? I also ate a piece of bologna! Granted, it was bologna from our local butcher and made by them, but still. It was BOLOGNA! Disgusting. I confess it was delicious. But I digress. I have to go have my blood drawn for a cholesterol test next week and I am petrified that the results will be absolutely terrible. I'll have to go back on my medication, and feel like an utter and complete failure.

I realize that diets don't work. I was on a diet and hey, it didn't work. It was too restrictive. I loved the food I was eating, but I missed the things I wasn't. I thought I'd be able to put my health ahead of my love for ice cream, but apparently -- for me -- moose tracks beats all.

Old Dogs and Old Tricks

2010-08-21T08:51:00.000-04:00

Above is my sister-in-law's (and brother's too, I suppose) pantry. As I perused it, I was thinking that I could learn a lot from this pantry. It is a normal eater's pantry. In it are at least 8 boxes of cereal, several types of cookies, store bought and homemade, open packages of graham crackers and chocolate, many types of snack crackers and chips, at least four types of bread and bagels, granola bars....and so on. They don't worry that the chips or cookies may get stale before they're eaten. They don't hear the siren song of the graham crackers whispering, "Eat me...I'm open, so you might as well finish me..." They don't stress out that no one is eating the seedy crackers bought at Wh0le Foods - so they'd better be the ones to down them or they'll go to waste. They don't look at the cookies and plan not to buy them again. No. They walk past this cornucopia of food dozens of times a day and barely give it a thought unless they're hungry. Even then, they don't eat a cookie, decide that all is lost, and finish off the bag. They fix a snack or meal -- that might include a cookie -- and move on with life. Amazing.

We just returned from two weeks away from home. My eating was a very odd mix of mindful days spent eating small portions and/or healthy foods, and days that seemed like one long foodfest. I mindfully OVERate on several days, feeling that old "uncontrollable" urge to stuff it all in, while at the same time, realizing that I was stuffing it in and could stop at any time. Didn't stop. I think I put too much pressure on myself to try and NOT gain weight on this vacation. I set off all determined to stick to a vegan diet, eat lots of vegetables, stay away from sugar....only to end up staying with people whose idea of a balanced dinner was: your choice of hot dog or hamburger, Doritos, and soda. Not kidding. Here and there I was able to stop at a store, so for a few meals I had greek yogurt as my main dish, and tried to fill in with fruit and veggies (if they were available), but I ate more meat over the two weeks than I had for the previous two months. Even at the restaurants we went to, most of thet time I had to get fish or starve. None of that is really an excuse for my behavior though. I purposely overate things that no one was force feeding me. I need to pull myself out of this cycle and get back on the road to health.

All is Well, Sort Of...

2010-07-25T16:43:00.000-04:00

I'm almost hesitant to post that all is well. It seems to me that every time I state on my blog that everything is great, I find myself ~~eating~~ inhaling my third bowl of granola over the sink late the next evening! Is it some sort of weird self sabotage? Am I afraid that if, someday, I proclaim myself healed and "normal", I'll have nothing to put my energies into? Do I like being unhappy? I don't think I do. Maybe it's more that my eating issues help take the focus off the fact that I'm not happy now. I'm not exactly unhappy. I love my husband and our relationship is fine, I love my children, I have a nice home....but I'm having some sort of midlife crisis (albeit a bit past "mid-life", since I'll be 46 next week!). I am BORED. Every day is a repetition of the day before. Get up, walk the dog, exercise, eat, go to work, come home, cook, eat, read the paper, check email, go to bed. Repeat. On the weekends -- run errands, shop for groceries, clean the house, go to some family function.... I can't summon much enthusiasm to do anything fun, either. I took my girls to the lake on Friday, and I sat in a chair and read for 4+ hours. I never even put my feet in the water. We haven't gone to the zoo or the water park or anything fun this summer. When I'm home, I just feel like staying home.

Am I depressed? I don't really *feel* depressed. Perhaps I just need to start forcing myself to do more. I'm almost afraid to say this, but I also wonder if I'd be ten times happier if I could quit my job. I don't hate my job, but I don't enjoy working. That doesn't make sense, but it's true. I like doing storytime and helping kids. I like working at the desk, helping people find things. However, I just dread going in to work every day and rejoice when I have a doctor's appointment or something that takes me away for an hour or two. By 3:30pm, I'm so bored and restless that I want to run screaming from the building. Part of it is a few coworkers who drive me CRAZY due to a lack of work ethic and assorted personality quirks that really aren't their fault. It is mostly the work ethic, though. I've actually gone so far as to confess my misery to my boss, who has said he will change things, but change never happens. It's hard to summon enthusiasm when sitting next to someone who spends several hours surfing the Internet, looking at religious websites. I feel pretty trapped, though. I have been with the library for 18 years, and am looking at quite a nice pension if I stay a dozen more. Tim paid off our combined student loans only 5 or 6 years ago, and I can't face the idea of going back to school AND working. Not that I have any idea what else I would do. Ay yi yi. My only hope is that the youth librarian who works at the library a few miles from my house retires soon. I would definitely apply for her job. She is about 60, so there is hope. There would be a LOT of competition for her job, but if I don't try, I have no chance, right?

Enough whining. Otherwise, life is good...mostly. I'm doing well with my plan to eat healthfully enough to ditch my cholesterol medication, though I still struggle when I make a fabulous dessert for a family function. I sometimes can eat only a few bites, savor it, and feel fine. Other times, I've eaten way too much and then felt awful (physcially and mentally). I weighed 155.4 this morning, which is the lowest number I've seen for a while. I went for a long time last year without weighing myself at all, but I think I'm about where I was last summer before we went on vacation and I OD'd on ice cream and came home with tight clothes. I've been eating about 1200 calories net (subtracting a modest amount from my total calories for exercise), and haven't been at all hungry. Yes, I am counting calories. I feel like a big traitor to the intuitive eating movement in some ways, but so far it hasn't proven to send me over the edge into bingeing/starving territory. There have been a few weeks when I realized that I was suddenly overexercising to be able to eat more, but the awareness nipped it in the bud.

I'm having physical therapy for an issue with my hip that started a couple of months ago. Today was the first day I felt like it didn't hurt as much, so maybe I've turned the corner (fingers crossed). We leave for vacation in 10 days or so (going to Alaska and Washington), and I imagine the lack of exercise while gone may help my joint heal.

Peace

2010-06-07T19:54:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling very peaceful lately, in spite of my hectic life. I've been remembering to practice the things I learned from Barb (in therapy), and trying to take time for myself. School is almost over, which will be a big relief. Ballet, Hip Hop, track...being gone four nights a week is a bit much. The big hurrah is Friday, when my girls are having their annual end of the year sleepover. We chose a luau theme this year, and have lots of fun decorations. I have to work on Saturday, but asked to take vacation time after 1:15pm. Just taking care of myself.

I've been following Dr. Joel Fuhrman's Eat for Life plan pretty faithfully. I've been writing about it in my other blog, but wanted to mention it here too. My "toxic hunger" has definitely diminished. Today I had some homemade vegetable soup and a nice vegetable salad with beans for lunch, and I wasn't famished by 4pm. I was kind of hungry, but not that desperate hunger you feel sometimes -- you know -- the kind that makes you want to dig the pizza out of the breakroom trash can? I tallied up my calories for the day and found that I was just under 1200. Huh. I walked the dog this morning and did 45 minutes on the elliptical, so it's not like my activity level was low. I never in a zillion, billion year thought I wouldn't be positively starving all day if I stuck to 1200 calories. Maybe there is something to this good nourishment thing.

Throwing a Tantrum

2010-05-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

I am very dismayed at the way I've been eating for the past two weeks. I have been overeating just about every evening, either at dinner or after - to the point of being uncomfortable! I haven't eaten in this irresponsible way regularly for ages. I think I've been doing some "last supper" type eating because I'm considering changing my diet to fit Dr. Joel Fuhrman's ideas. I read his books Eat to Live and Eat for Health, and reading all of the testimonials gave me hope that maybe I could lower my cholesterol if I started eating by his guidelines. I was trying to ease into it by incorporating even more fruits and vegetables into my days, as well as eating less meat, dairy, and bread. However, I managed to sabotage my good efforts every evening with copious cookies, bowls of ice cream, and cereal & milk -- which I ate in spite of not being the slightest bit hungry. When I was truly hungry (because I took a long bike ride after dinner or ate a small dinner or something), I ate a snack and then kept on eating.

I really started feeling sorry for myself, thinking that I am just a binger, will always be a binger, will always be fat, will always have achy knees and be crabby...wahhhhhhhh me. Today, however, after dealing with a because I overate at a graduation open house, fully aware that I was doing it, I got angry with myself. I KNOW BETTER! I KNOW that I am NOT driven to overeat by some mysterious force that I can't control. I KNOW that I am MAKING THE CHOICE to eat. I can and have chosen to resist the urge many, many, many times since I started therapy a few years ago. I went on for months resisting the urge. Now, I have let my guard down ~~a few~~ several times and I'm slipping, slipping, sliding back down into hell. I've been like a toddler throwing a tantrum because I won't be able to have ice cream every day if I try Dr. F's plan. Boo. Hoo.

It's time to put my big girl panties (soon to be bigger if I don't cut it out!) on, start pulling myself back up into the sunshine, and eat in a much more healthy way. When I feel the urge to overeat, I need to do something else instead or just live with the urge. Good grief. I am an adult and surely I can tell myself "no" to a freaking cookie.
So, these are my goals for the next week:
1) eat only until 80% full at EVERY meal
2) eat at least 3 servings of fruit and 6 of vegetables every day
3) take responsibility for my health and stop acting like a child. Tantrums are unhealthy.

Food is Important to Me...Too Important?

2010-05-08T15:53:00.000-04:00

food for thought

I read the above article and a little light bulb went off over my head. It gave me a different perspective on things. Yes, I freely admit that I have a major emotional connection to food and eating. I can remember being three years old and waiting until the housekeeper/nanny went upstairs to help my mother (who was dying of cancer), so that I could sneak lumps of brown sugar out of the container. Growing up, I always tried to choose the biggest cookie, and kept an eye on the food to see if there might be enough for seconds. At monthly neighborhood potlucks, I ate so many desserts that I felt stuffed. To me, holiday gatherings meant yummy food - seeing family was an afterthought. As an adult, I have collected hundreds of recipes, avidly read two dozen food blogs, peruse every new cookbook that comes into the library, and eagerly try a new dish every time I visit a restaurant. It never really occurred to me before that this particular attachment might be holding me back from losing the 20 lbs that I've wanted to ditch for the past 30 years. I always thought that my problem was that I used food to handle my emotions and problems, but have continued to struggle even after therapy and sometimes just overeating because the food is yummy and I don't want to stop. There are times that I just eat - I'm not bored, not angry, not lonely, just me. I still eat, and don't know why. I never considered the idea that I might simply be emotionally attached to food.

I don't really cook unhealthy foods very often (except that I do have a "thing" for rich desserts, I confess), but I don't often make the same things over and over. I subject my poor family to new recipes just about every week. I say "poor" because they would much rather eat BLTs and steak than Vegetarian Lentil Chili or Bulgar and Bean Stew.

If I am perfectly honest with myself, I know that perhaps I should stop reading all of the blogs (even though the bloggers are healthy eaters), toss most of my recipes (especially the rich desserts), and make a rotating menu to stick to. I am not really ready for that though -- maybe that means I am not really ready to lose the weight I claim I want to lose. There's a fine line between eating a varied diet and being obsessed with food...I think I cross the line more often than not, which is not something I like to admit.

Don't Scratch the Itch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-05-03T21:11:00.000-04:00

So......here I am, still fighting. Argh. I just want to be done, be at peace, be normal. I know, I know.......Barb told me it could take 2-3 years after therapy to be healed, but every time I think, "Okay, this is it! I've been feeling great for weeks!", I backslide right into the giant pit of despair. Well, maybe not all the way back in, but at least several feet, or even yards, down toward the bottom of the pit.

I was cruising along, not overeating, exercising just about every day but not forcing myself, and making very healthy choices. I was eating lots of beans, veggies, fruit, whole grains....not so much meat, cheese, or dessert. I did completely pig out on desserts on Sundays during Lent, but didn't feel deprived (most of the time) because I didn't eat them during the week. THEN....my coworker mentioned that she had started a new diet the day before. DANGER! DANGER! This is the coworker who discussed food and exercise in minute detail with me when I was completely disordered in thought and deed, five and six years ago. She was doing South Beach, and I was doing "go around hungry all the time, limit myself to 1500 calories, and exercise two+ hours a day while obsessing about food", and we shared tips and happily talked about how bad we'd been for eating one Hershey's kiss the day before.

When this coworker mentioned her new diet, I said nothing and escaped ASAP. Of course, I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. The next day I was in the lunchroom with her, and she told me all about her new diet, which doesn't allow her to eat much sugar, etc. etc. I didn't feel particularly riled up at the time, but over the next few days, my thoughts began to turn more and more to restricting, to thinking I really HAVE to lose some weight, to imagining that my life would be so much better if I only lost 5 pounds. Naturally, that led to some calorie counting, some "should" and "shouldn't" thinking, and some bingeing. I think I probably gained 5 pounds instead of losing anything. Ay yi yi. I think that now, after about 3 weeks of this behavior -- that I KNOW is unproductive, unhealthy, and doesn't ever lead to anything resembling happiness -- I am finally getting back on track. I'm still struggling in the evenings, wanting to eat a bunch of crap like ice cream, cookies, or bread after dinner, even though I'm not the slightest bit hungry. When the weather is nice, I've been going outside to garden or have a quick bike ride to break my thought pattern, which has worked some of the time.

I was listening to a CD by someone -- a Buddhist nun maybe? -- and she talks about bad habits (like bingeing/overeating in my case) being like an itch. Say you have a rash that itches. If you scratch the itch, you are relieving the symptom of the rash, BUT you are making the actual problem worse, since the rash then spreads. The trick is to suffer through the itch, knowing that the rash will eventually clear up. Today, I was bored at work and just wanted to go eat some of the treats in our backroom. I kept telling myself, "Don't scratch the itch. Don't scratch the itch". I want the &($#&*# rash to go away!!!

A Less Sweet Life

2010-03-19T11:32:00.000-04:00

Giving up sweets for Lent is still going okay, sort of. I haven't "cheated", but I have definitely overdone it on the sweets on the last two Sundays. I feel disappointed in myself, but I suppose that I should know by now that deprivation and making foods off limits IS what leads to overeating. This Sunday, I am going to try and be more sensible. I still have a few more weeks left til Easter, so I don't really want to quit now. I read a post by a friend of mine who said something to the effect that sacrifice during lent gives you a chance to pray more. When you are tempted to give in to the urge to eat sweets, you can pray for the strength to resist. Heaven knows, I don't pray enough, so I should take every opportunity to do so!

I will admit that when I'm hungry now, I don't often feel the urge to reach for something sweet. I've been making and enjoying a lot of vegetarian dishes these days. Snacks like eggplant spread and yogurt and fruit have been really satisfying me. I'm struggling a bit these days with the desire to eat after dinner, even though I'm not hungry. I want something sweet, feel like I really shouldn't be eating anything because I'm not hungry, and end up wanting to munch on crackers or something (anything!) I can eat with almond butter. Another opportunity to pray, eh?

I started a new blog at http://ahealthierappetite.blogspot.com/. I had one over at wordpress, but I found that I just didn't like wordpress very much. So, if you'd like my eggplant spread recipe, go over there and find it. Right now, I have only a few posts - mostly recipes - but hopefully, there is more to come!

Feeling Calmer

2010-03-01T19:56:00.001-05:00

Giving up sweets hasn't been as difficult as I'd envisioned. Of course, no one has been offering me gooey brownies or anything, but we have homemade cookies in the house, as well as chocolate, and I haven't had any uncontrollable urges to gobble it all down. Sundays aren't considered part of the 40 days of lent, which seems a bit like cheating, but I've had some dessert each of the two Sundays so far. I haven't eaten everything sweet that isn't bolted down though, so I'm doing okay.

My work situation is a bit better. At least my boss is aware of the situation, even if he isn't rushing to do anything about it. I read recently in someone's blog (I have no clue whose it was - I caught up on about 1000 posts last weekend) that she was trying to be less irritated with people. She was telling herself something to the effect of "life is a journey and that isn't your ride". I've been reminding myself that D isn't on the same journey I am and I just need to worry about staying on my road, rather than veering over to his. It helps. And I've lost 3 pounds of the 10 I'd gained -- a bonus to feeling more peaceful.

Making a Sacrifice

2010-02-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

I am feeling so much better this week. Part of it is probably that I haven't had to work one single minute with Mr. Lazypants, but I also think my boss is actually trying to fix the problem. He asked me yesterday if I'd worked with D last weekend. I said that I'd worked with him all day on Friday and he asked if there had been any change. I said that I was sorry to say it, but no. He sighed and thanked me. We shall see...

Lent started yesterday, and I've been giving some thought to really trying to make some sort of sacrifice for the 40 days of lent. I usually try half-heartedly, but give up within a week. I'd never make it for 40 days in the desert, I suppose. Yesterday was a day of fasting and abstinence, meaning no meat and no snacking. Wow, was I starving by dinnertime! No meat isn't too much of a sacrifice for me, but no snacks is a killer. I was a bit hungry when I went to bed, but thankfully, not so hungry that it kept me awake.

Anyway, there have been several years along the way when I've tried to give up chocolate or desserts, and I have never made it very long. I always felt deprived and entitled, and ended up bingeing on something. As you know by now, I LOVE LOVE LOVE sweets, so giving them up would be truly difficult. This year, I'm going to try again. Not half-heartedly, but truly. I need to think of it as a way of honoring Jesus' time in the desert, rather than deprivation for me. I'm not a very obedient Catholic, but I think Easter would be even more joyful if I'd really lived without something important for six weeks. I told my dh that I would give up complaining and he just looked at me. He knows me too well. So, sweets it is. One day down, 39 to go.

Old Demons

2010-02-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

This past fall, I thought I had finally done it. I'd left all of those old demons behind and I was a normal eater...at last! I was eating just enough - not too much and not too little. I was around sweets and junk food all the time and it didn't bother me if I ate it or if I didn't eat it. My weight dropped to a "normal" BMI.

However, lately I've been fighting my urges again. I put back on 10 pounds or so (though at least I'm only weighing myself every so often and not every day). I started to play the old scripts in my head -- you can't eat that, you can't take a day off from exercising, you have to lose weight. The more I tried to control my eating, the worse it got. I even had a few binges. Nothing awful -- I never felt terribly sick or like I was going to explode or anything -- but definitely eating to the point of discomfort. I couldn't figure out what on earth the problem was.

This week I think I finally realized that I'm not dealing with my unhappiness at work very well. It has been building and building and I now dread going to work on many days. I'm not unhappy with my work, though for a while I thought I was, since I was almost happy to lose a week of work when I broke my elbow and happy to leave the building two or three times a week to go to therapy. It was when the therapy stopped and I was back at work all 40 hours a week that the eating issues started. It's the atmosphere at work that I detest. One of my coworkers is very lazy - doesn't bother to get up from the desk to help people a lot of the time, and spends every minute he is at the desk on the Internet on his own personal stuff. He reads blogs on religion, visits religious websites, participates in religious discussions. I'm not against religion -- we go to church regularly. However, I can't understand how he can reconcile his "deep faith" with his complete lack of work ethic. When he's in his office, he is often reading. To be honest, I'm not really sure what he does that is actually related to the library.

I tell myself that I shouldn't let it bother me. I should just do my work and not worry about him. It does reflect badly on the entire staff when he is very unhelpful. We have lost a couple of staff members due to budget cuts, which means more work for (almost) everyone. I finally told the manager directly that D had spent the entire morning on the Internet while I was working with him (not that he didn't already know). He lamely said he'd talk to him, but for the next few days, D continued the same behavior. The manager sent out an email to all of us yesterday outlining what we could and couldn't do when on the desk, but D spent the time I was with him yesterday and today doing the same thing he always does. I said something to my boss again, but I really doubt anything will be done.

I'm really, really trying to deal with it in a healthy way. Today, whenever I started getting upset about it, I told myself to breathe deeply, concentrate on my breathing, and just let it go. It helped, but every time I saw him, I felt irritated all over again. I told dh that I've really come to dread the days I have to work with him for several hours. I wish I could switch to another branch, but I like most of the rest of the staff, and there isn't going to be another job opening for my position for a reeeallllly looooong time unless someone really screws up. I just need to find some way to deal that doesn't involve eating too much and obsessing about food and my weight. I have a bunch of books out right now on dealing with burnout and how to be happy in your job. I guess what I really need is a book on how to deal with a coworker for whom you feel nothing but disgust.

Checking In

2009-10-30T09:53:00.003-04:00

Just checking in to say that I'm doing quite well these days. I broke my elbow a month ago, but have not allowed the restriction on exercise -- or, most activities really since one arm is out of commission -- to affect me badly. I started walking more, but do not feel a sense of panic over not being able to do my regular cardio or weight lifting. My eating has been, for the most part, quite normal since my last post. I still have an occasional day when I overeat or have to "talk myself down" from a binge, but even if I eat an extra piece of cake, I'm not allowing it to send me into a downward spiral. I have been able to get over it by the very next meal, which feels fabulous.

A Week Update

2009-08-14T14:41:00.003-04:00

So, here I am-- back. I'm not quite as recovered as I thought I was. I was really determined to enjoy our vacation out east -- and I did -- but halfway through it, my zen eating kind of fell apart and never really came back. Once we were home, I started struggling daily with overexercising, overeating at dinner, and eating when not hungry -- sometimes almost to the point of bingeing. I can't really put my finger on what triggered it all, except that (and I feel as though this sound ridiculous) my therapist kind of broke up with me. At my last appointment with her, she said, "Well, do you want to make another appointment or do you want to wait and see how you feel?" I was kind of taken aback and made an appointment for 6 weeks out. As I left, she said, "Just call if it gets close and you don't feel the need to come." I felt kind of odd, though I knew that she really can't help me much anymore. I know what there is to know about recovering, I have the tools I need to make good choices, and it's totally 100% up to me to change. By the time the appointment time was close, I was feeling out of control and didn't want to have to go and admit that to her, so I cancelled.

Last week was a pretty good one, as this week has been -- unless you count the weekend, when I relapsed into some mindless overeating. I'm hoping that I have climbed out of the little dip in the road that I fell into in June and can continue down the path to good health. I HAVE made some strides this summer, in spite of my stumble. I have really slowed down my eating at many meals, and am not the first one done every single time I eat with others. I have also been able to stop at about 5.5 at many dinners, and just about all breakfasts and lunches. Now, if I can keep my hand out of the cookie jar, so to speak.....

Changing Gears

2009-05-25T15:51:00.002-04:00

I have had little enthusiasm to blog here recently - perhaps because I feel the blog has served its purpose. Though I wouldn't say I am completely and forever recovered, I have definitely moved farther on the spectrum toward "normal" than not. I have started setting up a new blog here:
http://wife2abadge.wordpress.com/
There's not much there yet and I'm not really sure exactly what I'm going to do with it. I really enjoy looking at food blogs, but I don't want to write about every bite I eat. I don't want it to be all about fitness either. I think I'll just start posting and see what happens. Whether you follow me or not, I really appreciate the supportive comments I've gotten over the past couple of years. I am well on my way to being a normal eater. Best wishes -- I will still be reading your blogs, so you'll still "see" me in your comments -- Susan

Absent: Calorie Counting

2009-05-04T16:50:00.000-04:00

I realized today that I haven't counted calories in a very long time. I do occasionally tally the calories in my breakfast because I like to eat a LOT of stuff in my oatmeal (banana, cottage cheese, peanut butter, crumbled protein bars, flaxseed, etc) and I want to make sure I'm not eating much more than 450 calories or so. An entire day, though? It's probably been at least a few months since I've tallied every calorie in every meal. My weight has stayed stable too. I can tell by the fit of my clothing that I've gone up and down a few pounds every now and then, but they consistently fit the same way most of the time. I feel triumphant -- this is a major victory for me.

I'm doing better on stopping when satisfied and on eating more slowly. I haven't been the first to finish dinner a few times over the past week. I've been trying to eat without distractions more too because I realized that if I really want to enjoy my food, I do need to concentrate on it more. When I was in the grip of undereating, who cared if I tasted my food? It wasn't too flavorful anyway.

This past weekend was a good one. I went out to dinner with friends and barely ate any of my entree because I was full from the salad. And I was okay with that. I got a bike ride in, a weight training session at the Y, and had a good Retrouvaille CORE session. At CORE, we presented "the third great date" from the program, which was all about resolving conflict. On our "date", T and I discussed various conflicts, but spent a lot of time discussing yard work. I'm mortified by the state of our yard. While he isn't quite as embarrassed as I am, he would like it to look better -- but despises yard work with every fiber of his being. We decided that we really need to buckle down and just do it, to borrow the overused phrase. So I went out yesterday and bought some daisies, verbena, and creeping phlox. We spent a couple of hours weeding and planting in our front yard. I was in such a good mood all afternoon and evening because of it. Working together and accomplishing something that you can see feels so good, doesn't it?

.........Or Maybe Not

2009-04-24T14:30:00.004-04:00

My attempts to eat until satisfied and not beyond aren't going so well. At breakfast and (mostly) at lunch, okay. Dinner? I've only managed it twice since my post. I'm still trying though. It's not like I'm overeating french fries and hamburgers -- I don't often cook dinners that aren't healthy -- but overeating salad is still overeating. Then I feel kind of sad that I don't get hungry before bed so I feel guilty eating a snack or dessert.

I had some sort of odd freak-out last week and one evening I ate so much in such a short time that it almost could be considered a binge. Maybe it was a mini-binge. I talked to my therapist about it and she said that I've made so much progress in such a short time that I shouldn't be surprised that I backslide a bit sometimes. I've been really, really busy lately and under stress at work due to changes coming down the pipeline, so I dealt with it in the old, comforting way. Since I went to see her I've been okay. I told her about how angry I'd been when my FIL told me that my BIL wouldn't "let" his wife buy brownies and she suggested that perhaps I was internalizing it. I thought, "Oh -- duh! Of course I was!" Food and weight is still a very touchy issue with me.

I'm going out to eat tonight with four coworkers. I'm praying that they don't talk about what they "should" be eating and/or how "bad" they're being, but I think my prayers are in vain. Sigh. I am going to order what sounds best to me and eat until satisfied and do my best to ignore their judgments. Tomorrow T and I are going out to eat with about 9 other couples and then to a concert with 1980s music. It should be fun, though I'm dreading the late night. We usually go to bed by 9pm and this concert doesn't even start until 10pm. I can't sleep in on Sunday either. And we have our last league bowling day on Sunday. I will now stop wingeing and concentrate on how much fun we'll have!

Eat Until Satisfied...not Beyond

2009-04-14T15:55:00.002-04:00

I think I've progressed about as far as I'm going to in my quest to eat without distractions. I still only manage it about a quarter of the time, but that's better than nothing. I will continue to work on it. My next project will be to eat until satisfied. I can usually judge how much to eat at breakfast and lunch, but not at dinner. I eat a small dinner, but almost always end up feeling too full, and then feeling panicky. I think the key would be to eat even less, and then have a snack before bed if I get hungry again. Starting with dinner tonight, that will be my mission.

I had a crummy Easter weekend, as far as my eating was concerned. I feel frustrated with myself -- like I'm almost stuck in a rut in my recovery process. Just when I think I may actually be "normal", I have a few days -- or a week -- when I slip back into disordered thinking or behavior. No binges or anything, but overeating on purpose -- eating more even though I know I'll feel even fuller and icky. Last week I had a post dinner snack every evening, even though I wasn't the slightest bit hungry. That led to thoughts that I needed to cut back so I don't put weight on and/or so I can lose a bit more before our summer vacation to the east coast. That led to a bit of "last supper" eating all weekend long. I think I could have more compassion and forgiveness for myself if I had overeaten because it was a holiday and the food was good. The truth is, though, that I overate because I kept thinking that I "needed" to stop eating! Maybe giving away my baggy clothes wasn't such a great idea. I don't really have room to store them, but not having them around as a safety net pressures me not to put on any weight. The weekend weather was gorgeous and though I was stuck inside cooking most of Saturday, I managed to get out and bike 21 miles on Sunday. It felt glorious -- except for my backside, which felt not so glorious by mile 18.

I signed up for six weeks of golf lessons again this year. Last night was lesson one, and right off the bat I felt foolish because I'd grabbed the sand wedge (S) instead of the five iron (5) and the pro pointed it out in front of the other fifty students. Sigh. Though I was wearing long underwear, a tank top, two fleece sweatshirts, a windbreaker, and jogging pants, I was FREEZING out there. I hope it warms up significantly before lesson number two.

We had a birthday party for my FIL last week and T's brother, wife, and new baby surprised him by showing up from England. He was really shocked, but very happy to see them. The baby is a doll and we've been really enjoying their visit, though it has made for some late nights. I'm exhausted. On Saturday, my FIL told me that P (SIL from England who cannot have gluten, wheat, or dairy) was really enjoying things from a local bakery that specializes in gluten-free items. He said she'd had a really good cookie that day, but that A (her husband) "wouldn't let" her buy any brownies. When I asked why not, he said, "Well, she has to start watching her weight". I swear I thought the top of my head would come off. I said that it was really none of A's business and that if T ever told me I couldn't buy a brownie, there'd be problems. I think he could tell I was really angry because he just said, "Well, I think she wanted to buy several" and tried to change the subject. I wonder if part of my overeating that day was in reaction to hearing that. I railed on and on to T later -- do you think she hasn't noticed that she's gained a lot of weight since getting pregnant? I don't really think she needs A to point it out to her! ARGH.

Zero Distractions = Boredom!

2009-04-07T14:22:00.002-04:00

I found pants! They aren't perfect, but at least I won't have to wear the same pair of pants every day all summer. I still couldn't find any lower waisted pants with no front pockets, but did find some with pockets that don't poke out oddly. I bought three size 8s, so I guess I'm officially a size 8 (though I imagine not for all brands). I haven't weighed myself, but a friend I hadn't seen in a couple of months told me yesterday that I looked "just fabulous!". I tried not to feel irritated.

I've still been trying to eat without distractions, but find myself bored and looking around for something to read after ten bites or so. Maybe that means I should stop eating. Hmmm...I hadn't thought of that! I did just overeat at lunchtime because I was ravenous. I had a large bowl of oatmeal with almond butter and fruit at 5:30am, along with toast and peanut butter at 10am, and a 100-cal pack of almonds at noon, but by 1pm I could have gnawed my arm off. I shoveled in my salad so quickly that I got too full. Oops.

Eating Without Distractions

2009-04-01T12:43:00.002-04:00

My mission to eat without distractions is going...okay. I think it is hardest at work because everyone I work with reads magazines for the whole lunch half-hour. The library gets a zillion of them, so there is always something new to read. I usually don't take the entire 30 minutes to eat, so I've been reading after I finish eating. It does feel odd to just sit and eat, but I am definitely tasting my food and enjoying it more.

Dinner is always full of distractions since I have a husband, two kids, and a dog at the table. I haven't been the first one done at every dinner for the past few weeks -- at least at a few meals. I have started eating yogurt with dinner. I know, you're thinking so? I love yogurt and I know it's healthy for me, but it has never been a very satisfying snack for me. No matter what type I eat or what I put in it, I'm hungry less than an hour after eating it. This yogurt appeared on the grocery store shelves a few weeks ago and it's quite tasty. It was on sale last week and I stocked up. I've been eating a cup of it, alternating with the delicious but incredibly expensive greek yogurts, for dinner almost every night. It feels like an indulgence and I don't have to worry about it being an unsatisfying snack. It's a nice sweet ending to my meal too.

Breakfast is difficult because I'm used to multitasking while eating it. I usually make the girls' and my lunches, and sometimes start dinner in between bites of oatmeal. I've been trying to make lunch the night before, but don't always have time. On the weekend I sat and ate mindfully, but this week, I've only managed one morning of simply eating.

My shopping trip was depressing -- not because of the sizes I fit into, but because I couldn't find a single top I even wanted to try on! I did try on several pair of pants, but only found one I liked fairly well. Doesn't any company make khakis that fall just below the waist, have a flat front, and no front or side pockets?!? Levi used to make some Dockers that I loved, so of course they stopped making them. I am wearing a pair of size 8 pants today, for the first time in three plus years. They are a bit snugger than I'm comfortable with, but 10s are just too loose on me now and having them fall down all the time drives me nuts.

Trying to Make Too Many Changes

2009-03-28T12:55:00.003-04:00

Lately, my attempts at intuitive eating have been spotty at best. I think I'm trying to do too many things at once -- eat slowly, eat when hungry, eat without distractions, eat small portions, stop when 80% full.... As a result, I'm not doing anything consistently or well. I've also had diety thoughts and the temptation to overexercise creeping in.

I'm going to start one that is very difficult for me -- eating without distractions -- and do it every meal (well, probably not dinner since there are three other people at the table) for a week. If I am doing it well by then, I'll add in something else. This morning I was eating breakfast and wow, it was so difficult to just eat. I kept reaching for the mail, the paper, a magazine...it was ridiculously hard to just concentrate on what I was eating! This will be quite a challenge for me.

I've been weaning myself from the Welbutr*n I've used for my SAD, which is making me really tired a lot of the time. I guess it was giving me a lot of pep. I've been getting sleepy in the afternoons and yesterday I went to bed before 9pm, after taking a 15-minute nap in the afternoon. I am not a napper, so this afternoon sleepiness is very odd for me.

I am taking C to a birthday party at the mall and will have a couple of hours to myself there. I had decided I would look for some pants because I don't have too many pair that aren't too loose now. The very thought of clothes shopping has sent me into a mental tizzy and I have just wanted to eat and overeat all week long. Ay-yi-yi. At least after tonight it will be over. I'll either have bought some pants or not. The truth is that I am afraid that the next smaller size won't fit me and it will trigger something. I am aware of this, though, so I am prepared to not allow it to happen. I have a choice. Every time I choose not to allow dumb things like this affect my behavior, I am stronger and more healed.

149!

2009-03-18T13:58:00.003-04:00

No, not my weight -- haven't weighed myself lately. My bowling score last Sunday! I don't know how I managed it, but I bowled over my (pitiful 85) average all three games. The weather here was gorgeous on Sunday and I went for a bike ride with R -- 12.5 miles. I couldn't believe she lasted that long. It's very fun to see how proud and capable it makes her feel.

I decided to try and make a sacrifice for Lent. I often try, but I'm not sure I've ever actually made it. I knew I'd never make it 6 weeks if I tried to give up sweets, so I gave them up Mon-Thurs. It hasn't been has difficult as I thought it would be. I've had a few moments of self pity (when a coworker who makes fabulous pies brought one in to work for us, when another coworker brought in brownies...) but I haven't felt particularly deprived. Maybe that's only because I know I can eat something on the weekends, but I haven't gone wild with desserts on those three days. In fact, I think I'm becoming more discerning in my dessert choices. We went out to eat last Saturday night and I was tempted by the cheesecake. However, when I asked if it was made there at the restaurant and the waitress said no, I turned down dessert all together.

The funny thing is that on weekdays, I'm kind of amazed at how satisfying a "dessert" of yogurt and granola or a whole grain waffle with almond butter on it can be. On nights when I'm not hungry between dinner and bed, I don't have to eat anything because if I don't eat dessert, there's no reason to eat when I'm not hungry! Now, if only I can carry that over AFTER Easter.

Isabelle tagged me to write about what makes me happy, so I will contemplate that and get back to y'all.

Sore in a Good Way

2009-03-10T10:42:00.003-04:00

No news on the x-ray of my shoulder. The lump hasn't changed at all and I'm wondering if it's from repetitive motion, like the ganglion cyst I got on my wrist once. I see the dr for my yearly physical next month, so I may be lazy and not call to see what the x-ray said.

Last Friday was GORGEOUS and I spent some time trimming bushes and raking out old perennial foliage. I did all of the trimming by hand and holy cow -- my forearms, wrists, and arm muscles are still sore! I got out my bike and rode with R, but only for 15 minutes. She didn't want to do more. It sure felt good to get on it though.

I took my first spin class on Sunday. I liked it, though it was difficult to know how much tension to put on. I kept having to adjust it up and down. I suppose after a while you get to know where to put it. It would help if the dial had some sort of numbers on it. I really should have worn my bicycle shorts because my bum and my --ahem-- female parts still hurt today. I may take a spin class once a week or so until I can ride my bike outside more regularly. I was drenched afterward.

I just bought the book Mindful Eating by Jan Chozen Bays. So far it's good and again I have been reminded of the importance of slowing down when I eat. Lately I have had quite a few dinners that ended with me feeling overfull because I ate too quickly. There was once last week when I was the last to finish -- amazing. I've been trying to concentrate on taking smaller bites, chewing more slowly, and resting more between bites. I haven't listened to any of the CD that came with the book yet, so that's my next step.

Choosing Health

2009-03-02T16:13:00.003-05:00

My doctor sent me for an x-ray to make sure the lump on my shoulder isn't a tumor -- no news yet. My therapist is quite proud of me and I'm not seeing her again for almost two months. I told her that the one thing I'm still really struggling with is anxiety triggered by people's "you've lost weight!" remarks, or putting on a pair of pants and suddenly noticing that they're kind of baggy. Every time something like that happens, I promptly spend two or three days overeating at meals and eating when I'm not hungry. I think it's a kind of fear because almost every time my weight has been lower than it is now, it has meant starvation followed by binges, overexercise, or both. I'm nervous that getting smaller will flip that switch inside me -- the seductive one that says, "You know, if you skip that snack/dessert/french fry, you can get back to a size six. You really shouldn't eat that unless you want to gain weight. You had better get in some more exercise today because you ate that piece of cake at work. So what if you're hungry? You can hold off a few more hours...." I should give that voice a name -- perhaps something sexy and seductive like Candy. Then I can talk back to her.

Barb said that I just need to keep reminding myself that I am much stronger than I was a few years ago, or even a year ago. I am much better equipped to deal with that sort of temptation and much better at banishing those types of thoughts. Yes, she is right. I have the freedom to choose to be healthy and that is the choice I'm making.

I'm considering volunteering to be the secretary for the P.T.A. I know that sounds crazy, but T and I are going to give up being on the board in our Retrouvaille group. We're just kind of burned out. We'll still go to the monthly support meetings, but just want to be regular members for a while. I talked with the treasurer this past weekend and she assured me that it really isn't that much work. Ha -- that's what they all say to sucker you in. I'm going to go to the meeting next week to check it out.

Almost "Normal"

2009-02-23T13:50:00.001-05:00

I got on the scale yesterday for the first time in a while and found that I'd lost 3 1/2 more pounds. Interesting. I'm only 3 lbs away from being a "normal" BMI. I wonder if I lost it because of the weight training? I really don't feel as though I've been eating any less. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the gym's weight room and I was startled by how normal I thought I looked. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't look at myself and see only "fat".

Food and Spring Fever

2009-02-21T14:47:00.003-05:00

I had to work on Valentine's Day, but my lovely family showed up to visit me bearing tulips, and had a dozen roses waiting for me when I got home. We all went out to dinner together and I practiced mindful eating. I only finished half my dinner, even though I was ravenous by the time we got our food.

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The day before V-Day, T took the girls to the father-daughter dance. There was no school due to winter break, so the girls went around the corner to get their hair fancied up by the woman who usually cuts it (in her house). They both had sparkly hair spray in and felt quite beautiful.

I've been thinking about food a lot again lately. I'm not sure if it's because I've been looking at quite a few food blogs (who knew there were so many people who take daily pictures of everything they eat?!?) or because I'm still feeling rather disgruntled and stressed. I feel so restless -- maybe I just have spring fever. We're getting MORE snow today, to add to the 100 inches we've already had this winter. Blech.

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I've been experimenting with breakfast lately -- trying to eat enough to keep me full longer than a couple of hours. Even when I eat 550 calories (oatmeal with cottage cheese, almond butter, almonds....) I usually get hungry within 3-4 hours. On Friday I ate some high protein cereal with milk at 5:00am, worked out for an hour and got ready for work, then ate a Lean Cuisine Panini at 8am. I still got hungry by 11am. Since I wake up at 4:45, that is 6+ hours -- and I did exercise for an hour -- but I would still have expected that much food to keep me from feeling as though I could gnaw my arm off by noon. If I didn't have a family to feed, I'd eat dinner at breakfast time and oatmeal at night!

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I am going to see both my therapist and my regular doctor this week. I found a lump on my shoulder a week ago and want to get it checked out. With my family history, I immediately thought CANCER, but hopefully it's just a cyst or something. It's round and hard like a marble, and doesn't move around. Mysterious.
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WHY will Blogger not let me put spaces between my paragraphs?!? ARGH!

Black Friday

2009-02-09T15:45:00.003-05:00

First, the good news: when I was at the Y last week, I was stretching and suddenly realized that my injured leg bends almost as much as my other leg now. Maybe it doesn't sound very exciting, but the orthopedic surgeon told me that would never happen. He said I'd be lucky to be able to bend it 3/4 of the way, and I'd probably never be able to sit cross-legged on the floor again. I'm happy to report that he was wrong! I can stand up, bend my knee, and pull my foot up behind me to within an inch of my behind (if that makes sense). I've been steadily increasing the weight that I'm lifting, though I'm reaching a point when I'll have to stay for a bit. On the squat machine, I started with just the bar, but I'm up to putting on 100 pounds now! I still see absolutely no quad muscle in my injured leg, but I've really only been working at it since December, so maybe that's normal.

My sweet dh made me brownies from scratch for my half-birthday last week. I was AMAZED. The man cannot cook an egg! He got down one of my cookbooks and made brownies from a 2-page recipe that involved melting chocolate and tempering eggs and everything! They were so fabulously delicious, fudgy, and rich -- I should have taken a picture of them. It drives him nutty that I insist on celebrating half-birthdays, so he's never done anything on mine until this year. I think it's a fun tradition.

So, when I last posted, I was fighting the dessert demon. Last Friday, things came to a head and I had a really bad day. I didn't binge, but I ate quite a few things that I wasn't hungry for and I spent the entire day obsessing about food and trying not to eat. As I lay awake, having a very sleepless night, I let my thoughts wander to what on earth was the matter with me.

I think that it's really just that the stress in my life is overwhelming me right now. Work is crazy busy, I am the head of a new work group and feel very nervous about doing it well, the tension with my coworker is difficult, and at home we're having house issues. I discovered that five of our beautiful wood-framed windows have mildew all over the frames. I can't imagine why -- our house is so dry I have old lady hands. I have noticed lately that the house really needs a lot of deep cleaning -- you know, that stuff you neglect like cleaning all of the sticky handprints off the cupboards and banisters, washing curtains, dusting blinds, washing windows, etc. It depresses me because I really don't want to spend my free time cleaning, but I'm embarrassed at how it looks and it bothers me to see it. I am loathe to ask dh to help me with it because he hates it too. I suppose I will have to though, unless I want resentment to take over my life.

So, Saturday I spent some time making a to-do list for work, telling myself that I can really only do one thing at a time and at least if I have a list I'll fell as though I won't forget something vital. The home thing is still making me unhappy. I have to bite the bullet and make a list there too.

I haven't weighed myself in ages, but my clothes still fit exactly the same and people I haven't seen in a while are still making comments about my losing weight. I ordered some clothes that were on clearance and was pretty pleased to see that size 10s and mediums fit me perfectly. Yes, I'd like to be smaller, but maintaining my 20-lb loss for this long without giving in to bingeing or starving or over-exercising is a victory right now.

I've discovered that reading blogs is quite dangerous to my wallet. I have now ordered Barney Butter, Justin's Nut Butter, Clif-Z bars, and several other foods online after reading and seeing them on other people's blogs. At the store I bought some Peanut Butter & Co Cinnamon Raisin Peanut Butter and pumpkin to put in my oatmeal, Barbara's Peanut Butter Puffins, and some sort of Kashi Sunshine cereal after seeing that in people's blogs online. I have to say that pumpkin in oatmeal -- yum yum! I never would have thought of it!

I'm Still Here

2009-01-28T18:40:00.002-05:00

Since confiding in my boss about my misery at work, I've felt SO much better about my job! I've actually begun to really enjoy work again, and have been having a lot of fun with my customers. The situation with my coworker hasn't really improved, but I have a lot of projects to complete right now, which keeps my mind off it. Oddly, though I've been much happier at work, I've been struggling with a vague sense of anxious unease. I haven't really taken the time to figure out why (which may be part of the problem -- crazy life), but I've really been fighting the urge to eat sweets after dinner again. It's been terrible on a daily basis. The other day I came very close to bingeing for the first time in at least nine months. I really need to sit by myself and just think for a while to try and ponder what it's all about. Fighting my urges is wearing me out.

My weight training at the Y is going very well. I've already increased the weight I'm lifting on most of the exercises. Our family has been going faithfully twice a week for the most part. It helps that C has swimming lessons on Saturday mornings now, which she LOVES. I've increased my workouts at home on the elliptical and stationary bike to 60 minutes, but I'm still resting 1-3 days a week. One week I worked out 6 times and thought, "WHOA chick -- you are starting the obsession again!" So I took two days off just to get out of that cycle.

Time to go do PJ Storytime! I'm very behind in my blog-reading, but hope to catch up this weekend with what all of you are doing.

Feeling Good Again

2009-01-16T13:55:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling much more normal now, thank heavens. I weighed myself for the first time in about 6 weeks and was surprised to see that I'd lost a little more, weighing 156. I had prepared myself for a gain, considering the cookies and candy I'd eaten during the holiday season. I suppose the extra exercise I did helped offset the extra calories.

I saw my therapist this week for the first time in 8 weeks, and discussed my discomfort with people's comments on my weight loss. We discussed an inner script I could use when it happens, and she said that I might think about making a comment on being the same person inside if it seems appropriate at the time. I'm glad we had the talk because one of my storytime moms said, "You look so skinny!" when she saw me Thursday. I didn't feel much of anything, which is an improvement for sure.

The therapist and I also spent a long time talking about my job. Before my vacation in December, I'd really been thinking that I was really unhappy at work and felt really depressed that I was kind of stuck there for 20 more years. I wasn't sleeping well, wasn't doing much while at work, and actually hoped to get sick so I could stay home. During my vacation, I dropped off to sleep immediately almost every night and felt so relaxed. As soon as I started back at work, I started tossing and turning again and felt tense and unhappy at work. It dawned on me last week that my feelings were centered around one of my coworkers. She is supposed to be my "right hand woman", but shows no initiative whatsoever. If I suggest something, she doesn't do it. She is not a team player, and other coworkers complain about that to me often. She will do whatever I ask her to do, but doesn't do anything on her own. It's as though I'm her mother. She has also had complaints about her programs, so I have scheduled her to do as few as possible, taking on the majority myself. As a result I am burning out! I am not her boss though, so I really have no authority to do anything. I finally shared my feelings with my boss, who was very supportive and upset that it had gotten so bad for me. This particular woman's evaluation is coming soon, so my boss promised to address the issues then. On one hand, I feel great relief that it's all out in the open, but on the other hand, I'm worried that my coworker will blame me and think I have it out for her. As a person she's a very nice girl, but I just don't think she's cut out for this job.

I had my last session with the personal trainer -- boo hoo. I really enjoyed working with her and she has given me the confidence I needed to weight train on my own now. I was so afraid I would hurt my leg, but she has shown me that I really can use pretty heavy weights without injuring myself. I'm now excited to work on getting stronger!

Still a Struggle

2009-01-06T14:54:00.002-05:00

I have been struggling a bit since New Year's Eve. After the hustle and bustle of Christmas was over, I felt a bit let down and at loose ends, and a couple of comments people have made to me about losing weight really got to me. I realize people mean well when they ask or comment, but I find it a major trigger. I try to shrug it off, but immediately feel nervous if I skip a day of exercise or judge that I've overeaten anything. I start to obsess about whether I may have gained weight or not, as well as how much weight I might lose by such-and-such date. It nearly sent me over the edge several times over the past week or so. I found myself walking into and out of the kitchen with that restless feeling, planning to skip my snack, exercising on my usual days off, and indulging in other old unhealthy behaviors. I came close to bingeing a few times, but managed to remind myself that I am NO LONGER THAT PERSON and that I'd feel horrible if I gave in to the urge. I did overeat purposely at dinner on New Year's Eve, as well as eating after dinner at the party we attended. I wouldn't call it a binge, but I was definitely uncomfortable (since I was still full from dinner!). For several days, I ate past satisfied at several meals, and then felt unhappy and panicky. I think I somehow want to regain the weight to prove to the people who made comments that I am still the same person and I'm not somehow better just because I'm thinner.

I finally calmed down enough a few days ago to explore what was going on with me, and decided that I am not going to allow myself to regress and have to start over again. I am not eating better or losing weight to please others. I've been concentrating on eating mindfully and stopping before I feel too full, even if it means leaving food on the plate. I do have difficulty throwing food away, but have wrapped it up for later several times, and had it for a snack when I got hungry -- or pitched it if it was yucky. I had a bunch of desserts left over from a family party last weekend, and debated about tossing them. I didn't until today because I don't want to be controlled by food. Today I finally got rid of one of them because the crust was all soggy and it was several days old. I probably still would have eaten it, to be honest, but it was no longer fabulously tasty so I ditched it. I have PLENTY of wonderful chocolate left from Christmas anyway.

I'm Back!

2008-12-30T15:08:00.002-05:00

I didn't really mean to take a vacation from my blog as well as work, but it just worked out that way. My 15 days off work went really quickly, and though the time wasn't quite as fabulous as I had imagined it would be, I did manage to sit and relax for a few days. I spent three entire days wrapping and baking, which wasn't very rewarding at all. Next year, I'm going to choose only three types of candy or cookies and make large batches of them - instead of making one batch of 15 different kinds. Mark my words.

I have worked with the personal trainer at the Y for three sessions now. The first one was just an evaluation, goal-setting meeting. I shared my food and overexercise issues with her the minute she brought up weight loss as a possible goal, and after a few questions, she assured me that she didn't want to cause any relapse behavior and wouldn't bring it up again unless I did. We've had two workout sessions and WOW! I was so sore after both, I could barely move. I was amazed at how much I could do, however. She pushed me much more than I would have pushed myself, and, though my muscles hurt, my knee didn't hurt much more than usual. The walking lunges she made me do....oy! I have two more sessions with her and then I'm on my own.

I'm going to have to stop writing now, but I will say in parting that, though I haven't weighed myself since my last entry, I don't think I've put on more than a couple of pounds since my last entry. My pants are still just as loose. I did eat more than my share of sweets, but was very mindful at meals. I think that was the key. More later!

Slowing it Down

2008-12-13T16:32:00.002-05:00

My weight is holding steady at 156.8, which is just fine with me. I have been focusing on eating more slowly these days, rather than bolting my food down as though someone were going to snatch my plate away at any given moment. A week ago I bit my tongue -- REALLY hard -- and it had a very large swollen place on the side of it. I was forced to eat very slowly at every meal for several days, and I realized how much more I enjoyed my food. I've been busily baking Christmas cookies and having to throw them away because they're stale. I've been freezing most to take to various parties, but kept some back for us to eat. Eating one cookie very slowly and savoring it is so much more rewarding than making myself sick by gobbling down half a dozen.

My dh has a surprise date planned for us tonight -- I am dying to know what it is! I will be extra happy to be out since today is my last day of work until December 29.

I have an appointment with a personal trainer on Monday evening. I'm hoping to have her help me come up with a weight training routine to build some muscle without injuring myself. I used to lift a lot (for a while I lived with a guy who was a competitive power lifter), but I'm scared to re-start with all of my current limitations. I'm a bit nervous, but also kind of excited.

Pain Free Knee...Someday?

2008-12-03T10:07:00.003-05:00

I lost another pound. Now that I've lost some weight, I have really noticed a lessening of pain in my knee. It barely hurts now, when it used to hurt all the time. That almost makes me happier than buying new clothes! Here are a few pics from thanksgiving weekend. Princess is checking out the flock of turkeys in our front yard in the bottom picture.

A Taste of Success

2008-12-01T16:32:00.003-05:00

My thanksgiving was lovely. I woke up far too early, but gave the dog a long walk, got my food in the oven, and even had time to paint my nails before everyone showed up at 11:30am. I asked people to help me instead of trying to do everything myself, and relaxed during dinner and after. I ate very mindfully and finished dinner feeling full, but not overfull. I really savored every bite of what I ate, and enjoyed the company. We had five pieces of pie left over, and there are still three in the fridge. The M&M cookies I made a week ago are still in the cookie jar, probably stale. My positive experience with this past holiday gives me hope for Christmas.

I had "the talk" with T, and it went fairly well. He didn't say much, but he rarely does. We did agree that we'd have a new evening routine: while I make dinner, he will relax and read the paper or play on the computer; after dinner he will do dishes while I relax; then we will both help the girls get ready for bed and read to them, or play a game all together. We'll try to get them into bed earlier than our usual 8pm, both because they both need more sleep than they've been getting, and because it will give us more leisure time before we go to bed, which is usually around 9pm.

He did ask, "So, then when are you going to do things like pay the bills?" I told him I hadn't worked that out yet. I would share the responsibility with him, but he has absolutely no interest in learning anything about it. From our pre-marriage experience, I can assure you that he just wouldn't do it and everything would end up being late. Since we talked, he has been extra helpful around the house. I don't know if it will last, but I'm hoping.

Simplicity = Peace

2008-11-26T18:50:00.002-05:00

I woke up at 4:18am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so I gave up at 4:40 and got up. After walking the dog, I baked two pies, cooked 8 lbs of potatoes, baked cornbread for tomorrow's stuffing, set the table for tomorrow (I'm now hosting 12 or 14), did the dishes, washed some laundry, bathed C, exercised, and got ready for work -- all before noon! I'm very glad that I got so much done today. Tomorrow will hopefully be easy and stress free. I told my therapist yesterday that I've forced myself to dial back about 25 times over the past few weeks. Every time I got the notion that I would cook this or that fabulous dish for thanksgiving, I'd remind myself that every year I end up hot, tired, miserable, crabby, and resentful by the time the meal is served. Then I end up soothing myself with too much dinner and/or dessert. This year I'm keeping it simple. I'm not baking homemade rolls. I'm not making three desserts. I'm not trying four new casserole dishes. No, no, no. People are bringing various dishes and I'm making only turkey, stuffing, potatoes, cranberry sauce, gravy, and pumpkin pie. So what if we have store-bought rolls? I will be relaxed and able to enjoy my guests and the meal.

I confessed my episodes of going hungry to the therapist, but assured her that I realized what I was doing and was now having a snack mid-morning. I told her that I'm feeling so good that I'm sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. There have been periods in my life when I've been stable emotionally, not starving myself or bingeing, and kept a lower weight, but something always happens -- I overeat at a few meals and gain a few pounds, or some other trigger -- and suddenly I'm right in that cycle of waking up every day determined to be on a diet and "blowing it" by the end of the day, cycling between going hungry and having a binge. She pointed out that I am a different person now. I am now someone who deals with her emotions without using food. I now realize that overeating at one meal is not a diasaster. She suggested that I continue to remind myself of that and say to myself that things are great and will be great from now on, rather than wondering when it will all fall apart.

It had been ninety days since we wrote out a treatment plan and as we looked over the goals we'd set for the past ninety days, I was pleased to see that I'd achieved most of them. I haven't binged, I've improved my relationship with food, I've stopped obsessing over food and my weight all the time, and I've been more expressive of my feelings at work and at home. I still need to work on the last one though, and we made that one of the new goals.

We had a long discussion after I admitted that I often feel resentful that I do so much more at home than my husband does. He tries hard and has vastly improved in doing his share, but there are still many times when, for example, I am sitting and paying bills while he reads or plays around on the computer. I realized that it isn't so much that I expect him to be scrubbing the bathroom while I pay bills, but I resent him relaxing and enjoying himself. If he were playing a game with the girls or reading to them, I'd be okay. I promised her that I would have a talk with him about this issue. I'm dreading it because in the past, I often managed to say the wrong thing, he got very defensive, and we ended up not changing anything. I will try to choose my words very carefully, This is a very important issue for me and I don't want to end up stuffing my feelings because I'm afraid to confront them.

ZZZzzzzzz............

2008-11-24T15:44:00.002-05:00

Thanks Cilly! I called my doctor and she told me to simply take both Wellbutrin pills in the morning. On Friday, I was in bed at 7:15pm! I've been falling asleep easily since starting that regimen. Whew.

I saw 158.2 on the scale this morning. I noticed that I was able to zip and snap my ski bibs for the first time in 2+ years this week. All last winter I had to wear them unzipped while walking the little Princess.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I feel kind of guilty that I've lost weight because there have been several mornings that I didn't eat between breakfast and lunch even though I was very hungry. I had promised her that I'd feed myself when hungry. For the past few days I've been trying to eat a snack when I'm hungry because I don't want to fall into the pit of disordered eating again. I have definitely NOT been undereating overall, so I don't feel scared that it will happen. I've been eating a cookie or a few french fries here and there when I want them, but I've really been doing well at not overeating at meals. Sometimes it is very difficult to just sit there after eating one piece of pizza and my salad, knowing that I'm no longer hungry, but wanting more.

My brother and his family are in Michigan this week, visiting from Seattle. They aren't staying with us, but we will be able to see them tomorrow evening and the day after thanksgiving. It's not nearly enough, but it's better than nothing! I am a virtual stranger to my three nephews and it makes me sad. T and I have a new nephew, born to his brother and wife in England. We won't see him in person until June. I used to wonder why people would want to live in the same town they grew up in, but now that I'm older I can see the advantages of being close to family.

Sleep, Where Art Thou?

2008-11-18T15:58:00.003-05:00

I weighed 159.4 yesterday morning. I think this is the first time I've been in the 150s since April 2006, when I was dismayed to see the highest weight I'd been in 15 years. Now, I'm thinking I look pretty good. I finally took some of my size 12s (that were so loose they looked like clown pants) out of my closet and packed them in a box for Goodwill. I bought a pair of new pants last week, along with some new tops and sweaters. All of the size 10 pants I tried on fit, though of course some fit better than others. Sizes, oy!

I've still been having a terrible time sleeping. I don't think it's the Wellbutrin, since I'm taking my first dose at 4:55am and my second dose at 11am. (On a side note, I had to buy a watch with an alarm because I kept forgetting to take it!) I also gave up caffeine completely. I wonder if it's now psychological. I'm worried that I'll have trouble falling asleep so I have trouble falling asleep. After I finally fall asleep, I sleep well except that I've been waking up at 4am this week. I don't feel especially sleepy during the day, but I can't help but think it's going to catch up with me sooner or later.

I realized this morning that I haven't had the slightest urge to binge for at least a few weeks. Occasionally, a thought of "oh, I shouldn't have eaten that, maybe I'll now eat this" pops into my head, but I am immediately able to realize how stupid that is and squelch that little voice. I've been taking more time to do the things I want to do, rather than dust and re-organize the linen closet and other things that have been niggling at my perfectionistic self. After dinner these days I am doing things like going downstairs to work on trying to organize my scrapbooking materials, or going to the YMCA with the family. I think this is serving two purposes; I'm not anywhere near the kitchen and don't even think about food unless I'm hungry, and I'm doing something that doesn't make me feel stressed or anxious and I don't want to procrastinate. I may have cobwebs hanging from my ceiling for the next 15 years, but I won't be miserably stuffing myself with food.

On a Cold November Day

2008-11-16T07:58:00.005-05:00

Huh. It's snowing outside. I guess winter is truly here....sigh. My scrapbooking weekend was tiring (lots of snoring women in that cabin!), but I got 44 pages done! It poured the entire weekend, and was very windy to boot, so I didn't get any walks in at all. I ate very mindfully -- it helped that the food served at meals was quite mediocre. I probably snacked a bit more than I needed to, but weigh the same, so no harm done.

Last night we went out with T's brother and his wife to dinner and to a local improv group. The improv show was very funny and it was great to laugh for two hours straight. At dinner I ordered a turkey reuben and fries. The sandwich was good and I at 3/4 of it, but the fries were only okay, so I only ate a few. I was quite full, but not overly so, and felt good about leaving most of the fries behind. In the past I would have eaten every crumb on my plate because it was food I didn't normally allow myself to have.

Here are a few pics from the last few months:

Me (with C) on the day I walked in the 5K to raise money for breast cancer.

T and me celebrating our 13th anniversary with a nice dinner out.

I went with C's class to the apple orchard (it was FREEZING!)

I was in charge of C's halloween party at school and T was able to stop by.

I went trick-or-treating with a pirate and a green fairy who got very annoyed that everyone thought she was Tinkerbelle.

It's That Time of Year Again

2008-11-06T16:21:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow (at 3:15pm!) I leave for my annual 3-day scrapbooking weekend. Last year's weekend was better than the year before's weekend was, in terms of mindful eating. I'm hoping that this year's will be the best yet!

I only had to wait in line 5 minutes to vote, even though I went at 5pm. I was prepared with a book, snacks, and C's birthday thank you notes, but barely had time to put my driver's license away before it was my turn. I am completely amazed that we elected an African American president. We had an African American foster child for almost four years when I was a little girl. She came to live with us at age 6 weeks because her mother was in jail. Some people at our church went to the priest and asked that he talk to us because they didn't want us bringing her to church. Thankfully, he had a little talk with them instead. That was in the early 1970s -- and look how far we've come!

Just Passing By...

2008-11-03T16:56:00.002-05:00

Not much to report -- sleeping better, weight is 160.8, still feeling peaceful about eating and food. R and I had "girly day" yesterday and went to Red Robin for dinner. I only ate 3 french fries because they didn't taste that great to me. That's kind of incredible for me. I didn't eat most of my bun either because the burger was so huge and I really wanted the meat and toppings.

Halloween was not difficult for me this year. I ate about 5 mini candy bars with the girls after we trick-or-treated, but that was it -- and I didn't feel guilty about it. We've had halloween candy sitting around our house for a month and it hasn't been too tempting. I've eaten a hershey kiss here and there, but mostly I forget it's even there.

I have a bunch of pictures that I really want to post, but my life is still wildly busy. Soon, I hope.

Full Steam Ahead

2008-10-28T10:02:00.006-04:00

Things are still going well for me. This past weekend brought me two birthday parties (with the requisite cake, ice cream, and fabulous food) and I ate just until full at both. In fact, I even skipped the ice cream all together(!). I've had an open package of graham crackers in my cupboard for about ten days(!), and I don't think I've eaten a single piece of halloween candy. I've been doing well at not thinking unhealthy thoughts -- I've been so busy at home and work that I forget to eat sometimes and get too hungry, but I haven't overreacted by eating to "stuffed" level. There was one night when I was hungry at bedtime and had the brief thought that if I didn't eat anything, I'd lose weight faster. I reminded myself that my life wasn't about starving myself anymore and had a cup of lentil chicken stew from the freezer -- and a few Doritoes.

The last time I weighed myself, I was at 162. Most of my size 10 pants fit well and some are even a bit loose. Sizes are so weird. I have one pair of size 10 Levi brand jeans that fits perfectly, and two pair of 10s in the same brand that I can't even pull all the way up. I am really enjoying the fact that I can look at my closet and know that I can wear almost everything in it now.

I'm still sleeping badly. I cut my caffeine intake to 1/2 cup of coffee in the morning and started taking my second dose of Wellbutrin no later than 11am. I've had a few nights of good sleep, but most of the time it takes me FOREVER to fall asleep and I wake up several times during the night for no conceivable reason. I wonder if maybe it has something to do with premenopause. I'm still having my period like clockwork every month, but sometimes when I awaken at night I feel really HOT. Not like a hot flash, but just like I have too many covers on. Yet when I go to sleep I'm really chilly and need all those covers. Ah, the joys of being 44.

What a Pill

2008-10-20T12:48:00.002-04:00

I feel as though I have officially reached middle age. After a visit with my doctor last week, I am now taking daily medication for cholesterol, SAD, and birth control, as well as fish oil, vitamin D and calcium, CoQ10, and something I can't even remember the name of for joints. I'm going to have to get one of those gigantic pill holders to remember everything. She also gave me a new migraine med to try. For my SAD, she put me on Wellbutrin and, so far, I've had no ill side effects. If anything I feel a bit toooo peppy. Last week at work, I felt like the Energizer Bunny and ended up with 2000 extra steps on my pedometer. I've been having terrible trouble sleeping, but that started before last week, so maybe it has nothing to do with the drug. I skipped my noon dose yesterday and still tossed and turned horribly.

On to my weekend. It was great. Well, parts of it were great. Friday at the chili cookoff, I ate until full but stopped before I felt too full. In fact, by the time we got home at midnight, I felt a bit hungry. On Saturday, as I dressed to go scrapbooking, my dh called me from soccer practice to tell me that a friend had been killed in a motorcycle/car accident the night before. This was a guy T went to the Police Academy with, worked with in his first job as a deputy, and has been good friends with for years. We used to belong to a motorcycle club with him and his wife. T urged me to go ahead to scrapbooking, but I knew I had to go to him when he broke down crying. I flew out the door sobbing and drove over there. I was composed when I got there, but promptly sobbed all over T's chest. I stayed for the soccer game, but we were both composed by the end, and he told me to go ahead to my crop and take R. I still wavered, but he insisted. I knew he'd be on the phone all day with friends in law enforcement anyway, so I went. Once there, I was confronted by doughnuts, several homemade desserts, chocolate, and more. I skipped the doughnuts and the chocolate. At lunch, I ate some soup and salad, and a few bites of the desserts.

We went out to dinner with T's siblings, which was really good for him, as he got a chance to laugh. I only ate about 1/3 of my entree and was just fine. On Sunday at our block party, I took really, really small helpings of the main dishes so I could sample all of the yummy pumpkin and apple desserts. I'm sure I ate what would have amounted to two pretty large pieces of dessert, but I was not too full and felt good about what I'd eaten. I enjoyed every bite of the fabulous food. Unlike last year, I didn't overeat and didn't go home and binge on the leftovers. I feel so peaceful about my behavior and thoughts this past weekend. I made the choice to eat mindfully and not stress out about having little control over what I was going to eat, and I did it!

2008-10-17T10:36:00.002-04:00

I'm doing quite well, except that there's so much going on in my life that my head is spinning. After soccer ends for the girls, things should slow down. A bit. I'm feeling a bit anxious about this weekend because I have: a chili cookoff to attend tonight; an all-day scrapbooking event tomorrow (always lots of unhealthy food), followed by a dinner out with T's siblings and spouses; and our annual block party on Sunday (everyone is supposed to bring an apple or pumpkin dish for the cookoff). It's an all food all the time weekend. I've been feeling so great that I don't want to freak out and make this a horrible weekend. So, I'm not going to. I'm going to eat mindfully and stop before I have that "too full" feeling. So it won't be such healthy fare. It's one weekend out of my life. Tune in Monday to see how I did.

I saw my therapist this week, and she's happy with my progress. Her only assignment for me is to work on stopping my irrational thoughts sooner. I shall endeavor to complete my assignment well.

Last weekend was a very full one with little down time (always a trigger for me) . As I sat down to pay bills (also always a trigger for me), I started to feel the urge to binge. At first I was so distracted by the desire that I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I paced around a bit, trying to soothe myself with little success. Finally, I got a little snack packet of cookies to sit down with and decided that I would ride out my urge. I reasoned that it couldn't possibly last forever. As I got involved in paying the bills, it was still there but I ignored it. When I finished, I wavered as I stood in the kitchen putting the leftover detritus in the recycling bag. I reminded myself that I was riding it out and went upstairs to get ready for bed. After I did my bedtime routine and got into bed to read for a bit, I realized that the urge had lessened. It didn't really completely go away before I went to sleep, but wasn't there any longer in the morning. It was really an empowering feeling to know that I'd faced the urge and beaten it without escaping the house on my bike or on foot. I stayed right there and didn't give in.

I had never really thought about why sitting down to pay bills is a trigger for me until I read this in Karen Koenig's blog and it struck a chord with me...

there's the anxiety response from childhood which "makes" you turn to food. Because you know exactly when the munchies will hit, prepare yourself. Recognize that the appointed hour will come and you'll want to eat. Plan to do something else, either distracting or comforting or both. Anticipate that you'll have mega-anxiety and reframe your beliefs to help you ride it out. If someone trustworthy is around, enlist their help in getting you through the anxiety without eating. If you have feelings connected to the anxiety, write them out or cry or scream. Talk yourself through the moment. You reinforce your "need" for food every time you eat out of anxiety and move toward extinguishing the behavior every time you resist it.

I remember watching my mother pay the bills and worrying so over every penny. She used to have to juggle things to have enough to cover everything. Making her grocery list involved also listing the price of each food next to its name so that she knew exactly how much the bill would be. It was very anxiety-producing to watch her go through this ordeal week after week. I think that even though we have enough money to pay our bills every month, I still worry that I will end up like my mom. There was so little money that having something break was a major trauma. There was a very odd time that she rationed toilet paper to us and told us that when we ran out we'd have to use newspaper. Then there was the time she discovered someone had left a radio on all night. She took away everything we had that used electricity, including our light bulbs, because she wanted to prove to us how much we were wasting. That was the reality of my childhood.

Another Monday...

2008-10-06T14:30:00.002-04:00

...another crazy week gone. Kids' soccer is ridiculously time-consuming with four practices and two games every week. At least one of their practices is at the same time in the same place! I keep telling myself I can make it -- only four more weeks to go. This past weekend we had our monthly Retrouvaille support group meeting and T and I presented the second great date in the "10 Great Dates" program. I was nervous and ate two brownies I hadn't intended to consume. We went to a local bookstore for our date so we could buy a book for a party we had the next day. As we settled in at the cafe to chat, it seemed that our date was only going to last five minutes. The questions were all about feelings, and since dialogue in Retrouvaille is all about sharing feelings, we are already used to talking about them. We ended up talking for half an hour or so because we veered off topic a bit, and later T told me he was really glad we did. We found out some things we didn't know before. On the questionnaire, we had to write our feelings about various situations (when you compliment me, when you touch me, etc), and one of the statements was "when you tell me you love me". He wrote that he felt happy and relieved, which really surprised me. He said that after all of the trouble in our marriage, he really needed that validation. Huh. I usually think of myself as the more nervous of the two of us when it comes to "us", but apparently we're both somewhat fragile. I wonder how many years of distance from our separation it will take before we're no longer scared.

We went to a surprise birthday party on Sunday, which was fun. Is it bad that I was very relieved that the birthday "cake" was coconut cream pie? I can take or leave that easily, and left it. I've been struggling a bit with my eating, but I think it is not due to trying to lose weight as much as it is to my wild schedule. I find myself grabbing the nearest food, no matter the nutrition, because I've not had time to eat my snack and I'm ravenous. Lately, I have had very little down time to do anything at all, let alone things I want to do. My house is a gigantic mess. When it's in such a state I have great difficulty doing anything but trying to clean, yelling at my kids, and crabbing at my husband. I haven't had the time to devote to cooking nice meals or even making a good shopping list for the store.

I was doing my grocery shopping last night at 8pm, and just tossing a bunch of boring vegetables into my cart because I hadn't had time to peruse my recipes. I had to wake up at 5am this morning and skip exercising (except for the dog walking) so that I'd have time to snuggle with my dh and get dinner in the slow cooker. We have only half an hour total after getting home from work before rushing off to soccer practice, so that usually leaves out cooking a lovely meal. Last night we had frozen french fries (I did bake them!) and chicken strips because the cupboards and freezer were bare! At least now I have food for a few meals this week, as well as salad makings. I need to make myself slow down and not get so hungry that I end up with potato chips and brownies for dinner. I don't know how on earth to make more free time, so I think I'll just have to try and live with the stress, messiness, and cranky feelings for just a few more weeks.

Cake Eating, sans Drama

2008-09-29T11:58:00.003-04:00

Whoa-- what a weekend. Friday night my dh was working (making extra $$ working security at the football game), so I was a single parent. I was completely stressed out, trying to bake a cake for R's birthday party the next day, make stew for her family birthday lunch on Sunday, make dinner for the three of us, clean up for the party, walk the dog, and get to bed at a decent hour. At one point, C was having a breakdown about something and I wanted to have a breakdown too. I really just wanted to run downstairs and fling myself headlong into the halloween chocolate in the living room candy dish. Instead I took some deep breaths, washed my face, and got on with all of the crap I had to do. It was a much better solution.

Saturday morning I zipped across town to walk in a 5K to raise money for breast cancer. I was very pleased to find that I can still walk quickly (with the dog, it's walk. stop. sniff. walk. stop. sniff....) and finished in about 75 minutes. I zipped back across town for C's soccer game, then went home to finish preparations for R's birthday slumber party. Seven giggly girls arrived, got glammed up with fancy hairdos and makeup, and we all drove downtown for a photo shoot. They had a ball and felt really gorgeous in their finery. The highlight of the evening was when we ran into the homecoming queen and her friends. They asked the girls to pose for a picture with them, and the girls were over the moon. Not much sleep was had by anyone at our house that night, but they had a wonderful time. I ate a small piece of cake and a small scoop of ice cream and left it at that. Did I want more? Of course. I may even have eaten more if I'd been alone. I wasn't alone and just looked at it longingly for a few minutes before reminding myself that I could have more tomorrow. It was okay to leave it.

Sunday, a bunch of family members came over for lunch and we had a pleasant time visiting. More cake and ice cream was eaten and no spectacular binge urges followed. T and I went off to bowling, where I bowled above my (82) average all three games. I even bowled a 122 on my second game! I woke up this morning thinking, "Where did my weekend go?". I'd lost another pound when I weighed myself Saturday, making about 13 total pounds lost since mid July. It's amazing how "skinny" I feel, since at 164, I still weigh more than I have since about 1991. I guess it's all about perspective.

Someone asked in my comments if I'd journaled about my (mostly) avoiding a binge. I didn't really (except for writing about it here), but that is a good idea. Once I get some distance from the situation, it's difficult to remember what caused it and how I felt about it.

Let Me Eat Cake

2008-09-22T14:38:00.003-04:00

Remember when I posted the piece of writing my therapist gave me last June about the hole in the sidewalk? I have it posted on my refrigerator and I look at it often. Over the past few weeks, I've been reading it and wondering if perhaps I was finally walking down a different street. Yesterday my mind forgot the new route and took a detour back to the old path -- and straight down the hole. Luckily, I only fell a few feet before I grabbed a handhold and clawed my way out.

My day started with me determined to have a South Beach phase one kind of day with no fruit or grains because we were headed to my SIL's at noon to celebrate three family birthdays. I had baked all three cakes and really wanted to try two of them, so I wanted that to be my only "indulgence" of the day. I decided I'd have two small pieces and savor them. My plan went off-track immediately -- probably because of those "you can't have..." thoughts. My older daughter wanted breakfast in bed for her birthday (a family tradition) because she won't be able to get it next Sunday on her birthday (8 sleepover friends will be here). I made her eggs and cinnamon rolls. The rolls smelled so good that I ate part of one. I immediately regretted it and judged it a bad start to my day.

At my SIL's I ate two smallish pieces of cake. In spite of sticking to my plan and not feeling overfull, I started thinking I was a failure because I was struggling not to eat a bunch more cake. Coincidentally (?), I developed a blinding headache within 15 minutes of eating the cake. My thoughts took off in all sorts of irrational directions and by the time I left her house I was convinced that I'd never be able to eat cake again in any moderate fashion. It would always give me a headache, I could never control myself around it, etc. At home, I put the cakes away and ate some more as I did it -- not a binge amount, but more that I didn't really want. Then I felt guilty.

After dinner, my dh left to take R to religious ed and C to the park. I was totally in a state and just wanted to binge! binge! binge! binge! binge! Cake! Then onto the ice cream I'd bought for R's birthday party! Then more cake!...... I stood in indecision, trying to calm myself and talk myself out of bingeing. I'd just feel worse afterward. Yes, I'd eaten too much cake, but I'd hardly eaten anything else all day. If I binged, I'd just be adding more calories to the damage -- and more guilt. I couldn't quite seem to talk myself out of it. So, I decided that I'd eat a few bites of each cake and then leave the house for a bike ride. Not a bike ride to punish myself as much as to release some of my pent-up feelings, and maybe to burn off a few of the calories too.

Within 3 miles I felt calmer. As I rode, I stopped thinking about cake and started reveling in the strength of my legs and the feel of the cool evening air. I rode 13 miles or so, and arrived home with no desire to eat anything at all. Today, I feel pretty normal. I had a terrible headache again this morning -- so bad I left work at noon. It's now gone for the most part, and I feel okay. I feel confident that one of these days I WILL be walking down a different street for good.

South Beach, Week Three

2008-09-18T16:49:00.003-04:00

Life is crazily busy these days, but I'm still plugging away at the South Beach diet. I haven't been super strict with it because I don't want to allow any room for binge thoughts, but for the most part, I'm sticking with it. I haven't eaten much fruit yet -- one banana and one apple is all. I've had a grain serving each day -- whole wheat pasta and whole wheat pizza crust both tasted yummy.

I've had a few irrational thoughts here and there, but have been able to squelch them pretty easily. A couple of evenings ago I ate a bit too much -- after my piece of pizza and salad I was fine, but finished off C's piece of pizza and felt overfull. I felt a bit freaked out and couldn't seem to calm myself. My irrational thoughts were flying off in every direction. I was awfully jittery and feared a binge if I hung around the house. I told T I needed to burn off some excess energy and took the dog and little C for a 45 minute walk. By the time I got back home I had put things in perspective -- it was 1 1/2 pieces of pizza, not 1 1/2 pizzas! -- and felt calm and perfectly fine again. Whew.

I weigh myself again Monday, and I'm quite curious to see if I've lost any more weight. I have to make three birthday cakes for a family celebration on Sunday -- nothing like testing myself, eh? I made a batch of cookies last weekend, but didn't really want more than one out of the entire batch. One was enough. What a wonder.

Sooooooooooo Gooooooooooood!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-13T09:48:00.002-04:00

I had a lovely bowl of creamy Scottish Oatmeal with walnuts on it this morning and wow, did it taste fantastic! I made it through phase one of the South Beach diet and plan to re-introduce grains or fruit with only one serving a day at first.

Last night we had to run the registration for our Retrouvaille weekend and dinner was served to us. T had offered to stop and get me a salad on the way, but (naturally) we didn't pass a single restaurant! I was forced to either remain ravenous or eat a turkey and cheese sub on a white bun and a sweet potato for dinner. Oh, the irony. I skipped the sugary baked apples, Chex Mix, potato chips, cookies, and brownies that were also on the table. It may have been coincidental, but after eating that sandwich I had terrible bloating and gas for the rest of the evening! I was also hungry by bedtime. I was so exhausted that I just went to sleep without eating anything. My daily calories were about 1600 so I wasn't too worried.

This morning I was a bit discouraged to see a 1 lb gain on the scale. TOM is due on Monday, so I'm hoping that is the explanation. For a brief moment I just wanted to chuck the whole idea of eating healthfully and dig into the Pop Tarts. I regained my senses since that would only make me feel miserable. Instead of chowing down on sugary carbs, I hopped on my stationary bike for a while. Now I'm off to set up my new laptop and pay bills. What an exciting life I lead, eh?

Dreaming of Oatmeal

2008-09-09T12:00:00.003-04:00

I'm on day 11 of the South Beach Diet and, I swear, I am longing for a nice creamy bowl of oatmeal. I have had no wild cravings for any of the junk food, ice cream, or cookies in our kitchen at home, and no great difficulty not eating any of the selection of tasty treats at work. Bread is not calling my name. However, when R requested oatmeal a few days ago for breakfast, I had great difficulty in not eating a gigantic bite of its lovely creaminess before handing it to her. That is the first thing I'm going to eat in phase 2 (on Saturday!).

I made my list of behaviors and irrational thoughts to be aware (or beware!) of, and have been checking it when I remember. I've had no freakish thoughts or behaviors so far. When I weighed myself on Saturday, I geared up for disappointment just in case I hadn't actually lost any weight, but had lost four pounds! Of course, it's probably all of the water from my muscles since my carb intake has been pretty low, but my pants are definitely looser. I got a pair of size 12 pants ($9.99 on clearance!) from J Jill last summer that I hadn't yet worn (because they were velvet) and when I put them on yesterday they were almost too large.

I can honestly say that I haven't really been hungry unless I miss a snack or a meal for some reason. There are some days when I put in my calorie intake at Sparkpeople and it's barely 1300 calories for the day. I find that so weird since I was ravenous on 1800 calories before starting SB. I think I usually eat about 1600. The recipes I've made from the books continue to be yummy too. I've had to eat differently from my family for some meals (last night they ate pizza due to soccer practice but I had leftovers -- stuff like that), but for the most part I've been feeding them what I'm eating.

My dh is back from his long weekend trip with his coworkers, thank heavens! Being a single parent for 5 days was AWFUL. I don't remember it being that stressful when we were separated, but we didn't have the dog and neither girl was involved in any sports or activities. Wow, does that make a difference! We had R's first soccer practice last night in pouring, cold rain. Ick.

Day Five On the Beach

2008-09-03T15:34:00.004-04:00

I started the South Beach Diet on Saturday and so far, it's been a piece of cake (so to speak). I was quite hungry the first day, which concerned me, but haven't really been abnormally hungry since then, unless I skip a snack. I get hungry an hour or so before mealtime, but that's pretty normal for anyone. I've made several of the recipes from the book and they've all been quite delicious, filling, and satisfying. I've had a spinach fritatta, Cheesy Vegetable Fritatta, broccoli soup, Gingered Pork Loin, Spaghetti Squash Casserole, Taco Bake, and a South Beach-friendly "pancake" (made with egg whites, light ricotta cheese, and an egg) which is probably the only thing I've eaten that I didn't care for. I've also discovered that I'm not a fan of eggplant. I've rediscovered my love for hummus, and found that I really like spaghetti squash. I'd never eaten ricotta cheese in my life before this week unless it was in an Italian dish or cheesecake, but with 1/2 tsp of sugar and a dash of vanilla extract in it, it's quite yummy. I'm not "supposed" to eat sugar, but since I don't eat artificial sweetener....well, I figured 1/2 tsp isn't really going to affect things.

My family has eaten the dinners described above without complaint, and in the case of Taco Bake, even with praise. Of course, the girls have no idea I'm "on a diet", but they haven't commented on my skipping dessert every day. Perhaps I am not, after all, the center of the universe. I thought it would be more difficult to go without bread and fruit, but I haven't had any mad desire to start chowing down on the cookies in the cupboard. Even at work today, when I saw that someone had brought in a HOMEMADE loaf of bread, all I felt was a mild regret. I made two pies for our annual Labor Day cookout and briefly considered freezing a small piece of each to eat later, but decided that it certainly won't be the last time I'll ever see pie.

It has been brought home to me -- yet again -- how often I mindlessly lick a spoon or take a bite of something. When I made the pies, it was hard not to lick the bowl. When I make lunch for the girls, it's hard not to finish their banana or apple or take a potato chip. It's such a habit for me to do so. Maybe this two weeks will help break me of it. Maybe not.

I saw my therapist today and asked her if she thought it was a bad idea for me to try and lose some weight, provided I was committed to doing so without overexercising or undereating. She was cautiously approving of it. She gave me the "homework" assignment of making a list of what my warning signs would be -- the warning signs that I was slipping back into disordered eating or thoughts. I know some of them would be:

avoiding or dreading social situations because of tempting food -- or even taking my own food
exercising extra to burn off calories if I overeat
eating sugar-free food or "fake" low calorie foods
going hungry -- especially going to bed hungry
cutting out lots of high calorie recipes that I will never allow myself to make
feeling deprived because I "can't" have ______ food
being afraid of food

I'll have to ponder it some more to see if there are others. She advised me to make a checklist for myself and look at it every single night to make sure I'm not regressing. I have to email her updates until I see her again too.

We discussed my feelings about T, and I made her a promise that I would start the ball rolling with our dialoguing, which we haven't really gotten around to doing any of since our talk. Today is a bad day to start because I work until 8:15pm and he is going out of town at 4am tomorrow until late Monday, but we have to start sometime! We also discussed (again!) the need for me to take more "time out" for myself. I confessed that I always have the best intentions, but then I notice "just one more thing" that needs doing before I can relax. She suggested that perhaps those things could wait, but to be honest, that just creates more stress for me as things pile up. You can only put off doing the laundry or paying the bills or doing the daily picking up for so long. If you do put it off, it only makes the job bigger. My family helps -- if I ask them too -- but I get so tired of always having to ask. That's probably every mom's mantra, isn't it?

Back to School

2008-08-28T11:35:00.003-04:00

We had two back-to-school open houses yesterday. C's kindergarten open house was at 1pm -- very low key. The teacher said hello and C ran off to play. I chatted with a few moms and that was it. R's 5th grade open house was much more involved. Our school system starts middle school with 5th grade, so we went to meet the two main teachers she'll have and hear all about the curriculum, rules, etc. She eats lunch at 10:40am!

I know it's goofy, but I love going to orientations! I love seeing the classrooms all decorated for fall; talking to all of my daughter's friends; feeling the excitement in the halls from kids, parents, and teachers; signing up for all of the volunteer opportunities, and hearing all about all of the great stuff the kids will be doing over the course of the year. My dh, OTOH, was ready to go home as soon as we got there. Spoilsport.

I have felt so much better about my dh since I told him how I'd been feeling. It's very hard for him to provide me with the kind of openess I need. Cops just hold everything "close to the vest" and are used to having to wear a neutral mask for the public. Sometimes they forget to take it off at home. Another part of my discontent has to do with my job. I've been trying to put more energy and enthusiasm into it, but I just keep wishing I were doing something else. I suppose my situation isn't going to change anytime soon, so I'd best make up my mind to make the best of it and get on with life.

I've been trying to prepare for starting the South Beach Diet by making sure I don't eat much fruit or bread/pasta/rice. That's not so hard, but doing without the sugar sure is! There are many times that I reach for something and think, "Hmmm..I won't be able to eat this on South Beach." Of course, it's usually something that isn't healthy for me anyway! I'm going to start SB on Saturday, but I'm going to monitor my feelings and reactions very carefully. If I start to feel "bingey", that's it -- my diet experiment is DONE. I've gone too long without bingeing to start that up again now.

Here We Go Again...in More Ways Than One

2008-08-22T15:39:00.004-04:00

Since the last time I saw my therapist (3.5 weeks ago or so) and rambled on to her about how well things were going, my eating has been very up and down. No binges, but days of peaceful eating followed by days of overeating. I realized that I needed to figure out what was eating me if I wanted that peace to last longer than two days, and spent some time pondering what I was avoiding with ice cream and pop tarts. I came to the conclusion that my marriage was troubling me. Our summer has been so busy that we've seriously neglected "us" and haven't even had more than one or two dates by ourselves. As a result, our emotional connection has withered. On our dinner date I struggled with conversation that didn't include the children or friends and their doings. I'm descending to that dark place in which I minutely examine T's every look and action for signs of unhappiness with me -- and everything he does annoys and irritates me. The other day I was actually thinking that I'd be relieved if we got divorced and I was daydreaming about moving into a condo with the girls. That's when I knew I really needed to talk to him about my feelings.

So I bit the bullet last night -- only because he asked me what was wrong and said that it looked like something was bothering me when I attempted to demur. I told him of my thoughts and he didn't argue. We agreed to start doing our dialogue questions again (a Retrouvaille technique), and to schedule some dates together. I bought some tickets to upcoming symphony concerts (the Magical Music of Walt Disney, 3 Men and a Tenor, The Music of the Eagles, and Pops Goes Vegas), and we chose some other dates to have breakfast together, go out to dinner for our anniversary, and have an afternoon date on a Sunday. Our bowling league starts September 14 (drat!) and will be from 3:30-6:30pm this year, so I suggested that we might have dinner together after bowling on some Sundays. Sometimes I wonder if marriage is this difficult for everyone or if we're just not really meant for each other. I love him and would be devastated if anything happened to him, but we're really very different. Well, I'll soldier on and see if I can get over this blah period.

So....I've been considering going on the South Beach Diet. I know, I know...you're thinking that I'm kidding myself. The only diet I've ever stayed on for longer than 3 days was Weight Watchers -- and I think I lasted 7 days on that before I went over my allotted number of points. However, my main problem with all of the diets I've ever tried is HUNGER. I am always ravenous and finally give in and end up face first in a bag of potato chips. I read the old SB book, the new SB book, and did a LOT of reading online about SB. I haven't found a single person who said she was hungry while on SB, and all said they lost weight, lowered their cholesterol, and had all sorts of fantastic results on SB. As a result of trying to lower my triglycerides, I already only eat 1-2 servings of fruit a day and 1-2 servings of bread/cereal/rice/pasta anyway. The biggest stumbling block for me is the "no sugar" rule. I am not about to go back to eating artificial sweetener after giving it up last fall. I may try subbing agave nectar once I finish the first two weeks of the diet -- at least it's natural. It's low on the glycemic index too. I don't want to end up bingeing because I feel deprived in some way -- it's been months since I had a binge. The jury is still out, but I am seriously thinking of trying it. Let me know if you have any thoughts about it or experience with it.

Facing My Fear

2008-08-10T15:49:00.004-04:00

Even though I've been back on my bike quite a bit this summer, I've been hesitant to recreate the route I took when I crashed three years ago. I just felt a weird superstitious notion that if I took the same path, I'd crash again or something else awful would happen. I set out on a ride this morning and it was gorgeous. As I neared the 10-mile mark, I thought, "Hey, if you ride just 5 miles farther, you'll reach the point you got to the day you crashed..." I decided to go for it, though I started feeling regrets around mile 12. The wind was strong and I was barely riding 8 m.p.h. I kept going and went 15.5 miles before turning around. On the way back, I felt a little thrill when I passed the fateful crash point, but I felt more of a sense of triumph than anything else. I arrive home, having ridden 31 total miles, and feeling great. My knees don't feel so great, but I am really glad I faced my fear and pushed past it.

Here are some pictures from my 44th birthday celebrations. I had a pleasant, though unremarkable birthday. T took me to dinner and a movie the night before "the day", and he had flowers waiting for me at the table when we arrived at the restaurant. That was a very nice surprise -- he really is quite a romantic at heart. We saw "Batman" after dinner, which was as good as the hype said it would be. I was disturbed to see pre-teen kids there, including some very young kids. It is NOT a movie for kids -- maybe not even for teens.

On my birthday, I went on my annual lunch at Arnie's. I usually go with my MIL, SIL, and aunt-in-law. This year my MIL's neighbor and two aunt-in-laws from the other side of the family joined us. It was fun, though I felt a bit geeky getting excited about having lunch with five "older" ladies! That evening we had dinner at a local Indian restaurant with my dad. Yum!

Busy!

2008-08-02T11:24:00.004-04:00

At the 83rd Annual family golf tournament, R, T, and I all won golf balls. R had the highest girls' score (which, if you're unfamiliar with golf, isn't really a GOOD thing but she was happy just to win something), T had the lowest putts, and I had the highest putts. I shot an 81, which is pretty awful, but it could have been a 90, so it wasn't the worst score possible. We had fun, though my five-year-old only made it 6 holes before getting tired of the whole thing.

We had a local petting zoo come to the library last week, so I got my picture taken with the ball python they brought. I'm not really scared of snakes unless they surprise me in the yard.

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Last night T and I went with four friends to see the ABBA tribute band Waterloo in a concert. Our seats were quite far from the stage, but we still had a good time. Today I'm taking the girls to see stage show of "High School Musical", and then T and I have a wedding reception to attend. I can't believe we're old enough to have friends' children getting married, but this girl is the first! I was supposed to pick my dad up at the airport, but he and my aunt missed their flight from London.

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I've been pushing myself a bit more with the exercise and I definitely feel more of a high when I'm done. As for my eating, it has been quite normal over the past week. I've been tracking my food again and it isn't making me psycho. We've had ice cream in the freezer since our card party and I've only eaten a couple of bowls of it. I haven't had a binge in several months now, and my compulsive eating has been fairly absent since my visit to the therapist. Talking to her and admitting that I really wanted my restricting behavior to kick in again really seemed to help me feel a lot more peace about food and eating.

You Should(n't) Be Ashamed of Yourself!

2008-07-23T16:17:00.003-04:00

Wow! Thank you all you kind people who made comments on my last post. I realized as I read it that I wrote "incisive" instead of "insightful". Thank you (Isabelle) for not pointing out my mistake. I know you noticed, even if no one else did!

Anyway, I will try to give people the benefit of the doubt and simply say "thank you" to their comments. Cilly's comment made me realize that I too fear falling back into the trap of wanting those compliments so much that I start undereating again. I think more than that however, I (the recovering people pleaser supreme) don't want people to notice my weight loss because I will then disappoint them when I regain all of the weight plus 20 pounds (so goes my thinking anyway). I'll never forget my grad school roommate's mom saying, "You look so good now that you lost weight. Don't gain it back now". Of course I did. Though she never mentioned it, I hid whenever she came to visit.

Four years ago when I lost weight on the "separation from dh diet", the coworker mentioned in the previous post lost weight on the South Beach Diet. We bonded over our weight loss, especially when I went on to lose more on the "got back together with dh diet". We gleefully discussed fat grams and sugar free desserts and the delights of size 6 pants for over a year. I still vividly remember going in to work to confess to her that I'd gained 6 pounds (because I was SURE it showed and she was eyeing me speculatively). She confessed to gaining 3 and we both vowed to redouble our weight loss efforts. When I came back to work after my leg healed, the first thing she said to me was, "Oh, I'm so glad you didn't gain the weight back! I just knew you'd be so worried about that!" These days I still feel a jolt of shame whenever I talk to her, wondering what she thinks now that I did gain back all of the weight, plus some.

In my heart of hearts, I KNOW being ashamed for gaining weight is absolutely ridiculous. It doesn't make me dumber, a worse mother or wife or librarian, or anything. It just makes me larger. I'm really trying to tell myself that people don't care, but that #!^% roommate's mom's comment pops into my head at the most inconvenient times. I try to picture myself making sarcastic comments to her.

Golfing was quite........long. It took the five of us (dh, me, R, C, and my SIL E) FOUR HOURS to play 9 holes of golf! The golf tournament on Sunday may not take quite as long since dh will golf in a foursome with people who can get the ball into the cup in fewer than 15 strokes. Oh my word, was I sore yesterday. My back, shoulders, arms, hand -- all hurt. Though part of the soreness may be from R and my push-up attempts. We are up to 17 "girl" push-ups now. We attempted one "real" push-up when we got to 10 and failed miserably. So we will try again once we get to 20.

I have come to the conclusion that I have been slacking on my exercise for months -- or maybe years. Oh, I exercise daily, but when comparing the way I feel while riding my stationary bike or elliptical to the way I felt when I did step aerobics before my biking accident, the difference is vast. During aerobics I could barely catch my breath and ended up drenched in sweat by the end. After exercise these days I have a smallish patch of sweat on my t-shirt, and during exercise there is no time I am in danger of becoming breathless. Yesterday and today I pushed harder -- and felt better when I finished.

2008-07-21T08:27:00.003-04:00

A couple of people have made comments to me lately that have REALLY annoyed me. I'm trying to figure out why, but I'm having difficulty coming up with anything insightful. A woman who brings her grandson to storytime gushed in a loud voice, "Susan! How much have you lost?!?" When I looked at her blankly, she said, "How much weight have you lost? I LOT since last summer!" I said awkwardly, "Well, I don't weigh myself much but no, I'm pretty sure I haven't lost any." She proceeded to argue with me, finally ending with, "Well, you look great anyway." Then last week a coworker was passing me and made sort of an up and down motion with her hands, saying "You're losing weight again. I can tell." I answered, "No, I'm pretty sure I haven't". She also argued with me.

After both of these encounters, I felt vaguely squirmy and dirty. Do I not like attention drawn to the fact that I had gained weight, needed to lose weight, or am overweight? I do definitely feel that it is intrusive to comment on someone else's body, but I also realize that society is obsessed with weight and weight loss or gain. All you have to do is stand in line at the grocery store to realize that people delight in reading "I lost 100 pounds!" stories -- myself included. Judging by the trashier magazines, people also delight in reading about famous people who are caught looking fat, wrinkly, or dimpled by cellulite. I guess I wish I had the guts to say to people, "I know you mean well, but I find your comment very inappropriate". I can just imagine the look I'd get.

My list of reasons I want to be healthy is very short. I suppose that's okay, as long as it's sincere. I'll post it later, but right now I have to go put some clothes on. I took the day off work to spend with my family. We were headed to a local water park, but R fell off her bike last night and skinned her knee, elbow, and hand. So we are all going to play a round of golf together. The annual family golf tournament (I think it might be number 84!) is next Sunday and we need some practice.

The Glass IS Half Full....isn't it?

2008-07-16T15:56:00.004-04:00

I am really trying to improve my outlook on life. I always thought of myself as an optimist, but somehow along the way my Pollyanna attitude has turned rather Grinchy. This was brought home to me by a rather embarrassing comment made by R: "Mom! Why do you always have to be so crabby about everything?!? I say, "Isn't that water a beautiful shade of green?" and you answer, "It's probably full of algae." I was really taken aback until I realized over the next few days that she was 100% correct. I have become one of those people who has something negative to say about everyone and everything! I am mortified and have resolved to change my attitude. Wowsa -- it's hard! Last evening when I looked at my zinnias growing so nicely, the first thing I thought was, "Hmmm...I thought the colors would be brighter."

I saw my therapist today and told her that my eating behavior over my vacation really disappointed me. I didn't binge, and I ate mindfully at many meals. However, I used the time as an excuse to eat ice cream a lot (okay, I know many people do that on vacation) and I ate with the group mentality quite a few times (you know...everyone else is eating chips/cookies/crackers so I'll join in too). I can't even say that it was due to any particular feeling -- I just used being on vacation as an excuse to eat. I told her that I'd been thinking about why I did it, and thought perhaps part of my psyche still believes that any day now my "willpower" will kick in and I will start starving myself for months. That has been the pattern of my life since I was 15, after all. She said, "But you're working on changing that pattern." I agreed, but confessed that part of me HOPED it would kick in because I'm unhappy with my weight. She suggested that maybe I was purposely trying to force my weight up so that I reach a tipping point and trigger my past behavior. Whoa. Ouch. I think she may be right.

I moaned about how I eat dessert whenever it's offered and just feel deprived if I turn it down. She told me I really need to find some more satisfaction in my life -- if not at work (where I am sooo bored at the moment), then at home or in other areas of my life. Deprivation and work combined with deprivation in other areas of life = food as my only reward. I know she's right. I have been doing better at treating myself well, but I'm still not really quite "there" yet. Part of the problem is my perfectionistic tendencies. I think that I can't possibly scrapbook or work on a craft project if my craft room isn't totally neat and organized. That never happens, so I never work on anything. As for work, she says that passion in all things has to be rekindled from time to time. It doesn't remain high by itself. Huh. I never thought about it that way. I guess it's another example of my Grinchy thinking!

She also suggested that I refocus my thinking. Rather than feeling deprived about not having dessert, I need to think about the reason I'm turning it down. I need to have a clear idea of why I don't want to eat the dessert. So, she wants me to make a list of the reasons I want to be healthy. She suggested that I focus on what I want my life to be like when I'm 50, 60, or 70. Do I want to be able to ride my bike? Stay off blood pressure medication? Walk without knee pain? Etc. I am having trouble coming up with much that isn't superficial (I want to fit into a smaller size!). I shall work on it, along with my attitude.

Scenes From a Vacation

2008-07-10T22:42:00.003-04:00

The "cottage" in Wisconsin owned by T's cousin and her husband. It is a work in progress, but is lovely. I think it had five bedrooms and bathrooms (or maybe six!), and a HUGE kitchen, complete with restaurant sized fridge and stove/oven. This isn't even their "real" home -- just their vacation home. They were very gracious about having 60+ relatives invade. I don't know how many of us stayed in the house, but there were 2 or 3 RVs outside, as well as several tents.

We shared the cooking. Our branch of the family was responsible for one dinner and one lunch. Here we are making a Tex-Mex feast. It took 2+ hours too cook all of it, and we spent $555 on groceries for the two meals. In this picture are two of my BILs and SILs and T and me (we're on the right). You can't really see any faces in this picture of the entire group, but I thought it looked pretty impressive to see everyone together. Well, almost everyone. Some of us are snapping photos.
R found the ferry ride from Mackinac Island back to Mackinaw City quite exhiliarating. We took the speedy boat and she loved standing up to feel the wind in her hair.

The vacation was quite fun, though far from relaxing. I took a few strenuous bike rides, but still found myself eating for entertainment. I ate mindfully at most of the restaurant meals we had, but at the cottage, I ate more than my share of smores and birthday cake. Since we got back home I've felt far more normal, though I haven't been exercising much except walking the dog. R and I took a few short bike rides, but tomorrow morning I go back to work and hopefully back to my regular routine.

And We're Off!

2008-06-30T10:01:00.003-04:00

My 10-year-old has finally learned to ride a bike with no training wheels! I never thought I'd see the day. We rode 6 miles together a couple of weeks ago and the wheels were knocked askew during the ride. After 1 1/2 miles of crying and frustration, she seemed to catch on. The next day T adjusted them so they were totally off the ground and she rode 7 miles without wobbling much. So the next day he took them off all together. She took off right after this picture and we rode 13 miles together without any major mishaps. Yea! The bike is really too small for her, so after our vacation, we'll go out for a larger one.

I've been biking a lot lately. On Friday I rode about 12 miles to breakfast with my friends and back. Riding on the streets is a heck of a lot more difficult than riding on the trail. The hills were killers, and I arrived at breakfast sweaty and red-faced. On Saturday, I rode 22 miles -- to my inlaws' house and back. For the first time since my accident three years ago, I had the leg strength to stand up and peddle on my bike. That gives me hope that I can still build up some muscle even after all this time.

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In a couple of hours, we're leaving for a week of vacation. I should be packing right now. We're headed to Mackinac Island for a couple of days, then driving through the U.P. to Wisconsin. Sixty-two aunts, uncles, and cousins will be meeting for a reunion over the weekend. I'm feeling anxious enough that I have begged my dh to pack my bike in the van. I need an escape route. I like all of these people quite well, but I have a feeling I may start to feel suffocated after a while. "See" you when we get back!

Walking (or Riding) Around the Hole in the Sidewalk

2008-06-22T21:46:00.005-04:00

There's my home sweet home on top. The house had white shutters until last fall when we had them painted blue. The color turned out a bit brighter than it looked on the sample, but it has grown on us. The other photo is the wild bunch from R's sleepover. They all seem like very nice girls, though some are definitely more high maintenance than others.

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Yesterday morning we had our family picture taken for the church directory. We were given the option of ordering prints for ourselves, and went ahead and ordered our Christmas cards for next December. I dithered a bit, thinking I looked quite fat. What if I were skinnier next December? In the end I decided that was idiotic thinking and I'd have less stress for the holiday season if I just went ahead and ordered the cards. After the photo session, the girls and I visited the farmer's market. R begged me for cinnamon swirl bread and I gave in and bought a loaf. At home, we ate pieces of it and I immediately started feeling guilty and wanted to binge. Instead I went out for a bike ride. I ended up riding 22 miles, and felt 100% better by the time I got back....with the exception of my backside, which is still protesting.

Climbing Out of the Hole

2008-06-18T16:08:00.002-04:00

I saw my therapist today and shared my setback of last week. I spent 4 days last week alternately doing fine and overeating. Finally, on Sunday, I sort of mentally pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said, "HEY! Yes, you are going to be fat your whole life because you are behaving like someone who WANTS to be fat! Maybe you are meant to be this size forever unless you starve yourself. However, you will never know if you don't stop overeating and eating when you're not hungry!" I've been okay since then. I even started bringing a snack to work to eat between meals when I get really hungry, rather than trying to wait until it's "mealtime". It made me very anxious on Monday (I brought two snacks), but yesterday and today it's been fine (I only brought one snack -- baby steps, you know).

I talked to the therapist about weighing myself and whether or not it's a healthy thing to do. I haven't been weighing myself more than once every few months. All of the books on healing binge behavior say to weigh yourself once a week. She pointed out that they are talking about healing only binge eating and emotional eating -- they aren't dealing with people who've had past issues with anorexic behavior or overexercising. Good point. She pointed out that surely I can tell whether or not I've gained or lost weight by the fit of my clothing, without risking the possible trigger of using the scale. I suppose she is right.

She gave me a really neat piece of writing that has apparently been around for a while. I think this woman has been inside my head! I think I'm working on Chapter 3 -- sometimes I even get to 4.

There's a Hole In My Sidewalk : Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson.

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit...but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Thrown for a Loop

2008-06-13T20:15:00.003-04:00

On Wednesday morning, R, very enamoured of her new digital camera, snapped a photo of me while I was making her breakfast. It was a photo of the back of me. I looked at it and was immediately thrown into a deep pit of despair. Okay, perhaps I exaggerate a bit, but not much. Wow, did I look awful. My pants looked too tight, my shirt looked too snug, and I looked quite chunky. I went upstairs and changed, and tried to talk positively to myself. I told myself that it was just the clothes -- and even if it wasn't, so what? Being fat isn't the end of all happiness. I'll just buy clothing that fits better and is more flattering and I'll like my rear view better. Yeah, that didn't really work.

I spent the whole day alternately planning to go on a diet; wondering if I could after all do the South Beach diet; thinking about how much weight I could lose by Christmas....and reminding myself that diets make me crazy; I have worth no matter what my weight; and no, I really shouldn't be eating all of this chocolate at work when I'm not at all hungry. I was really shocked at how upset I was. Here I thought my self image was improving, but I was back in the "it's hopeless so I might as well have a brownie" rut. I took R out for lunch after their "Fourth Grade Celebration" (they move to middle school next year), and managed to leave part of my lunch behind because I was full, but arrived at work and ate too many treats. I went out to dinner with a friend and had just a bowl of vegetable soup and a piece of bread because I wasn't very hungry, but went home at 8:15pm and ate a piece of pizza and a piece of cake! Just before bed I filled out my eating diary and resolved to get over my backside freak-out. So far, so good, though my mind still occasionally wanders into diet territory.

At group on Monday, my therapist gave us a great list of affirmations to post on the fridge. I won't post it on the fridge because of my girls, but I want to share it:

My worth as a person is not diminished in any way by my body size or my eating patterns.
I will love myself no matter what my eating patterns are.
I will judge my days not by what or how much I eat, but by the accomplishments I have made and the love I have given.
My life is a gift, and I will not let my enjoyment of it be diminished by feeling guilty over my body size or how much I eat.
I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.
My eating disorder is a temporary condition in my life.
There is a normal eater within me. I will let her take over my life more and more each day as I am ready.
I can imagine a life without having an eating disorder.
When I feel stressed, I will close my eyes and picture how my all-powerful, normal eater would handle the situation.
I believe I will be a normal eater again. I know I will be a normal eater again!

Different Outcomes Require Different Behavior!

2008-06-10T10:03:00.002-04:00

I got my new gel shorts in the mail and put on a pair to go for a 19-mile bike ride on Sunday evening. They didn't quite have the cushy fabulousness I was hoping for, but I think my nether regions are less sore than they would have been in regular shorts. The bugs were unbelievably horrendous. Much of the trail is in leafy shade, and I had at least 500 bug corpses plastered to my t-shirt by the time I got home, along with 1 in my eye, several on my cheek, and even one inside my bra. Ewww. I can't imagine how many would have been stuck in my hair had I not been wearing a helmet. Which reminds me -- why on earth do parents make their children wear helmets when they do not? It's okay if mom or dad dies due to a fractured skull and leaves little Johnny parentless? I don't get it.

I had support group last night and attendance was huge. 18 anorexic teenagers, one middle aged overweight woman, and me. There are some young women there who never say a single word. I have no idea why they come. Maybe just listening to others helps -- or maybe mom forces them to come. During the meeting, one girl said that she's struggling with doing the same thing every day -- starving herself all day and then giving in and bingeing and purging in the evening. She said, "I KNOW what happens every single time I starve all day -- I KNOW it -- yet I tell myself that this day will be different."

I thought about how I do similar things -- I do things knowing KNOWING what will happen -- yet I still do them. Yesterday was a CRAZY day at work. I didn't get a chance to even get a drink of water until 1pm. We had pizza and lots of treats around, but lunch was fine for me. I ate one piece of pizza, my salad, and a piece of cake and I was really full. The afternoon was so busy and I was still so full from lunch that I didn't even think about food. Yet, when I left work, I took three of the cookies a coworker had brought in and told myself they were "for my kids". Yeah, right. I ate them in the car before I was even halfway home. What was that about? A reward for a busy day? A release of all of the tension -- relief that I was done? Anxiety about my support group meeting? What? Who knows? I think the most important thing for me to admit is that I took those cookies for ME. I didn't take them for my kids or my dh or anyone but me. I KNEW I was going to eat them on the way home, but didn't want to admit it to myself. The only saving grace in it for me is that I ate a REALLY small dinner and didn't eat anything else the rest of the night because I wasn't hungry.

After group I went to TCBY to get a frozen yogurt pie for R's 4th grade graduation celebration dinner (which will be tonight), and I wanted to get a frozen yogurt cone just because I was there and I love frozen yogurt. I didn't get one though. I want to get better -- ALL better. That's not going to happen unless I consistently make good choices. If I'd been hungry, okay. However, eating frozen yogurt last night would have been all about "hey, it's there -- and besides, I already ate three cookies and a piece of cake today. Might as well..." No. No. No. No. NO. I will not be that person anymore.

My Brain...it's A-Changin'

2008-06-06T18:18:00.003-04:00

Here's my wonderful dh T running in a 5K. He's now talking about doing a triathlon, which made me mentally scratch my head. He hasn't been on a bike for at least 8 years and I've never seen him do anything in a pool but play around. I will be supportive if he wants to do it though.

I've been MIA because my life is still rather CRAZY these days. With t-ball twice a week, golf once a week, etc., I've been gone almost every evening for several weeks now. Thank heavens t-ball and school both end next week. We don't sign the girls up for evening or Saturday activities in the summer. I want my kids to have the kind of relaxed summers I had (sans wacky mother who thinks kids are the perfect manual laborers for her gigantic garden and grand landscaping projects).

Anyway, life is pretty good. I haven't had anything I could call a true binge in weeks and weeks and weeks. I've had some days when I've made a bad choice or two, but nothing worse than eating a few handfuls of chips when I'm not really hungry. I saw my therapist two weeks ago and I told her I was really struggling with wanting to lose weight versus trying to have a normal relationship with food. I think my self image has improved over the past several months, as I've stopped bingeing and worked on my destructive and irrational thoughts. However, I'm still not thrilled with my size. I confessed to her that I've realized through using the eating diary that I'm terrible at feeding myself at the first sign of hunger rather than waiting until I'm ravenous. I'm afraid of eating too much if I really allow myself to eat every time I'm hungry. We decided that I really need to trust my hunger and that I may end up eating less because I sometimes realize too late that I'm a bit too full because I was so hungry when I started eating. True confessions here...I still haven't been very good about it since then. There are a few days when I've had a snack at work when I'm really hungry between meals, but it makes me feel really anxious -- and I'm still super hungry at mealtime. So I think to myself, "WHAT in the heck is the point?!?" It doesn't matter what the snack is either -- high protein, high carb, mixture of both, fruit, veg...whatever. I've tried different things, but somehow I am still just as hungry when the next meal rolls around.

We discussed feelings and I told her I still have great difficulty pinpointing the feeling that underlies my anxiety or restlessness. I need to look at my feeling list more often when I'm having trouble. She gave me a really interesting sheet that shows how feelings change into destructive behaviors if you don't allow yourself to feel and/or express them. Anger, for example, changes into controlling behavior (among other things).

She led me through a visualization, which was really neat. I'd never really tried to do it before, but as she talked I really felt as though I was swinging softly in a hammock on the beach under a palm tree, feeling a soft breeze as I read a book. Ironic since I would never relax enough to do that, but she said that I could practice doing visualization to give me a little respite when I'm having a stressful day and can't actually escape. Of course, I haven't yet done it because I forget all about it when I really need it!

I've been trying to work on changing my irrational thoughts by asking myself what evidence I have for thinking _____________ (insert any irrational thought here!). It really calms me down when I take the trouble to challenge my squirrel brain. I have had many mornings lately when I suddenly think, "Hey! I'm not thinking about food!" If I start to have any weird repetitive food/weight loss thoughts, I immediately start reciting a nursery rhyme and my thoughts go away. It seems dopey, but it works.

The Two of Me and The Daily Eating Diary

2008-05-26T12:56:00.005-04:00

Here is me with straight hair and me with curly hair. No one likes the straight-haired me except my 10-year-old. After seeing myself with curly hair for 43 3/4 years, I felt odd walking around with straight hair for a few hours, but I liked it okay. I'm not sure I'd ever do it on a regular basis, but it was kind of neat to see.

---

I went to the cemetaries with my dad and the girls yesterday. We scrubbed gravestones and planted flowers. It was kind of nice, though I wonder how long I'll keep it up after my dad dies. The two cemetaries we visit are 90 minutes away, so an entire day is usually eaten up when we go. I suppose guilt will drive me to continue going as long as I'm able.

---

I got up today and rode 16 miles on my bike. It was lovely outside, but I had lost all enthusiasm by mile 12. The wind was against me and my bottom was hurting something fierce! Since I was still four miles from home I was forced to push on. I'm definitely buying gel shorts.

---

Here is the Daily Eating Diary my therapist handed out at our last support group meeting. It has been quite helpful to me, especially questions 11 and 12. I do it just before bed and I'm forced to think about whether or not I've done anything for myself over the course of the day, as well as to look ahead to the next day and pre-plan. I've also discovered that I'm really, really terrible about encouraging myself to eat from physical hunger and eating at the first signal of hunger rather than letting myself get overly hungry.

---

The Daily Eating Diary

1. Did I encourage myself to eat from physical hunger?

2. Did I eat at the first signal of hunger, rather than letting myself get overly hungry?

3. Did I find myself eating or restricting for emotional reasons today?

___boredom

___depression

___anxiety

___fatigue

___frustration

___sexual feelings

___transition between activities

___other

4. Did I practice focused and mindful eating?

5. Did I stop when I was full?

6. Did I plan what I wanted to eat?

7. Did I eat food that was not pleasing to me?

8. Which times of the day and evening were the most troublesome for me with food?

9. What alternatives did I take during these times?

10. What alternatives could I have taken?

11. What are the ways I took good care of myself today?

12. What emotional needs do I anticipate for tomorrow and how can I prepare to take care of them?

Girls On the Run

2008-05-21T14:47:00.005-04:00

Here is my 10-year-old in her 5K with the Girls On the Run. GOTR is a great program for preteen girls that helps build self esteem, as well as attempting to instill a love of exercise. Over the course of ten weeks, they do a lot of team building and self esteem exercises, and train to run a 5K. R did it last year and I was amazed when she actually ran the entire 5K. This year she did as well -- in about 32 minutes. Not bad.

I admit that I got very choked up when I looked at the sea of 852 girls taking off from the starting line. I wish there had been a program like this one when I was 10 years old. We stayed until the very last girl finished, and it was awesome to see the pride on their faces when they crossed the finish line. And so much for stereotypes -- several very fat little girls finished quite a bit ahead of the rest of the group. Go girl power!

Sing, Sing a Song...

2008-05-14T16:23:00.004-04:00

I saw my therapist last week. She said that what I did on my mom's birthday couldn't really be labled a binge -- more like a bad choice. I made a few more bad choices on mother's day. I wanted so badly to be happy. The girls and T were very excited about giving me new deck furniture and chocolate and wanted to take me out to breakfast. I just didn't feel like it. I still felt sad about my mom's birthday and mother's day just made the sadness worse. On Sunday, I didn't really realize that's what the problem was. I just knew that I felt crummy and restless and just wanted to eat all day. The commenter on my previous post was exactly right -- sometimes it is just easier not to fight and just to give in to the old ways of doing things; to give in to the comfort. It wasn't until I was in support group on Monday that I felt the actual sadness. Barb asked how everyone had coped with mother's day and I got choked up when I tried to talk about it.

I still feel quite self conscious at support group. There can't be more than 3 of us over the age of 25 and there are only a couple who aren't recovering from anorexia. I will soldier on though -- maybe I'm providing comfort to the other non-skinny women. Barb gave some handouts to the group and I think one will be quite useful for me. It's a sort of worksheet for emotional eaters. It's not the usual food diary, but rather a sheet of questions to ask yourself each evening. There are things on it like "did I eat mindfully today, without distractions?", "did I make myself eat food I don't enjoy?", "did I eat from boredom, anger....(etc)?", "will there be a time tomorrow when I may struggle not to eat and what will I do about it?" I will post the entire thing when I have it in hand (not at home right now).

At therapy last week I whinged about my obsessive thoughts and Barb suggested that when they start popping up, I should recite a nursery rhyme, sing a song, or tell myself a story (even if it's nonsensical) -- preferably out loud. That will force me to use the opposite side of my brain and take my mind off my other thoughts. I tried it a few times and it actually works pretty well.

She also urged me to stop personalizing everything. I tend to take responsibility for everyone else's feelings and for the way they act toward me. I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings. Wow. After a few days of ruminating on that, I remembered trying to make my mom happy when she was angry with us (my sibs and me). We hardly ever knew exactly why she was mad -- she would just suddenly stop talking to us. It was very stressful and I'd walk on eggshells and scramble around cleaning things and trying to do things to make her happy again. Usually the storm cloud would suddenly pass one day and she'd start talking to us again like nothing had ever happened. I remember even asking dad why she was upset and he never had any clue either. I felt such a responsibility to make her happy -- and I tend to do the same thing currently with anyone who is upset with me.

I had shared with Barb a day when I struggled with my eating after having breakfast with three friends (all former coworkers). We eat breakfast together every month or so and I really enjoy their company. One of them, B, was advised three years ago by her doctor that if she lost 15 pounds or so she'd probably be able to quit taking her blood pressure meds. She joined WW and was a model dieter. She never ate one single point over her allotted amount, lost 40 lbs in just a few months, and has maintained that loss ever since. At this month's breakfast, she ate plain oatmeal and I commented that she hadn't had her usual peanut butter with it. She said that she had switched programs with WW and wasn't counting points anymore, and she wasn't sure if peanut butter was an okay food. I was surprised that she still counted points and said so. She told us that she had been put on a new medication for her fibromyalgia and suddenly started gaining weight. She cut her points and was still gaining weight at 20 points a day. (20! I'd be ravenous all day long!) So she switched plans and stopped taking her medication. She said, "I just think I'd rather hurt than gain the weight back." I was rather speechless. I wasn't sure if I should admire her tenacity or feel sorry for her.

At the same breakfast she asked me if she should still bring me castoff clothing from her daughter (which she has done for several years). I, of course, took her question to mean that hey, I was kind of fat now and could never fit in to any of her daughter's clothes now so why should she still bring them to me? Barb pointed out that she may have simply been asking because it had been a while since she'd brought me any and that I should not assume she was implying anything. I'm still not convinced, but I think B's dedication to her weight maintenance along with the clothing comment made me feel deeply ashamed. All day I had that "I might as well give up and eat like a pig because I'm never going to lose any weight and I'm going to hate how I look for the rest of my life" thoughts. So, I need to work on NOT PERSONALIZING. The whole world does not revolve around me, right?

Fear of Recovery

2008-05-04T21:29:00.004-04:00

Ah, the confindence of the young! If only they would always think they look as beautiful as they do in this picture.

I've been doing really well, for the most part. T and I went out on Friday night -- 12 cops and me. Even the cops' wives were cops. I was okay though -- just sipped my iced tea and water, and listened to war stories. We'd eaten pizza with one of the couples before going, and I was careful to stop when I'd had enough -- 2 pieces from a medium pizza kept me full til we got home around 11:30pm. I ate a third piece before bed, but I was truly quite hungry.

Yesterday we had to give a post talk for Retrouvaille. We did it the first time six months ago and it was pretty stressful. We spend two hours talking about the time when our marriage was in trouble and how we healed, so it brings up lots of emotions -- good and bad. I knew there would be a table full of snacks there, and did some pre-day preparation. I told myself that yes, I'd feel some desire to chow down, both because of the anxiety of doing the session and due to the desire to decompress afterward. However, I planned to eat lunch and not be hungry. Therefore, I wouldn't eat anything. I eyed the snack table a couple of times, especially after we were done, but I didn't eat anything. I wasn't hungry and didn't want to feel bad. I still felt quite "bingey" after dinner last night. My mind kept telling me that I wanted ice cream! cake! cookies! I couldn't get my mind off eating dessert, but ate 3 graham crackers dipped in milk and a couple of Hershey kisses and stopped. I started on a lollipop, but realized that I didn't really want it and was only eating it to keep my mouth busy. I threw the rest away.

Because I think I've lost some weight (I haven't weighed myself but my size 10 Levis that haven't fit for several months were fine yesterday), my thoughts have been becoming a bit obsessive lately. Especially when I walk the dog or when I'm bored at work, my thoughts begin spiraling out of control -- all about how much weight I could lose by what date or what I've eaten or what I shouldn't have eaten or how I could have the lowest calorie dinner possible or..... on and on. If I'm with the dog (and hence, alone outside at 5am), I tell myself out loud, "Think about something else!" It is easier said than done. The problem is that nothing else holds my thoughts for very long. I tried to plan a flower bed I've been wanting in my front yard, and I've tried just staying present; staying in the moment. I admired the way the moss looks on a fallen tree, noticed how the gorgeous purple hyacinth contrasted with the yellow daffodils, took in the sounds of the birds and frogs, checked out the tangle of varying shades of green in the woods, but it was hopeless. My thoughts kept circling around to weight loss.

I think this is part and parcel of why I've always been a bit afraid to recover. What on earth will I think about? If I no longer have to dwell on weight, size, calories, food, and the like, what will I do? When I try to imagine it, my mind goes blank. I used to love reading, but most of the time I feel too restless to sit and read for hours the way I used to. I can only read at night before bed these days. I used to love scrapbooking but now, though I enjoy it, I don't have any passion for it. It has been a few years since I touched my supplies except to pack them for a crop. I kind of like golf, but I can't see myself as a daily player or anything. What do people without eating issues do with their time?

I had a sorta binge today. I don't know if it was a binge or not. Maybe it was, though it didn't have the urgency or "out-of-control eating everything in the kitchen" quality about it. I had my Sunday all planned out. We'd go to church. Then I'd go to the driving range to practice, buy my groceries, come home and eat lunch, then take the girls to the zoo while T had a meeting. After dinner I'd take a bike ride. My plans had to change though, when I found out that a friend's father had died and visitation was this afternoon. The zoo went out the window, and the visitation brought up all kinds of sad feelings about my mom. Today would have been her 72nd birthday.

I got home from the visitation, T was still gone, and I decided to finish the dessert R had requested for dinner. Then I realized that I didn't have the cream cheese I needed to top the brownie dessert. I tried not to be annoyed and just made some frosting to finish them. Suddenly frosting on a graham cracker sounded so delicious that I couldn't stand it and had to have one. Then I had about four more. Then I ate two brownies. Then I stopped. I felt kind of sick and thought, "I am NOT going to do this. I am done." I didn't really feel any temptation to keep going. I was hungry for dinner and though I didn't eat much, it was only because I got full quickly and wasn't hungry anymore. I did have one more brownie. I rode my bike ten miles and I confess that part of me was happy I was burning off some brownie calories. I didn't punish myself with a 20-mile bike ride though, and stuck to my original plan of 10 miles. I felt really good when I got back. So I ate some crap. So what. I stopped, started life anew, and I'm fine.

Escaping the Stress

2008-04-29T14:54:00.006-04:00

After dinner the other night, I told T that I was going for a short bike ride. The girls immediately announced, "I want to go with you!" but T told them that I was going alone. I pedaled off and it was wonderful. I felt as though I was escaping! I love my family more than anything in the world, but my therapist is right. I need more time to myself -- more time spent on doing things that are just for me. I felt exhilarated as I rode along, all by myself. I only rode 7 miles, but I came back feeling really calm, happy, and ready to face the bedtime routine. This is something I need more of...right after t-ball, golf, and Girls on the Run all ends....

Last night I knew I didn't have time for any bike riding. After dinner I had 20 minutes before I had to leave for support group. I asked T if he would sit and relax on the couch with me. He eyed me suspiciously and said, "Are you serious?" I assured him that I was, and he said, "Really? You're not going to jump up and clean something or remember ten things you have to do before you leave or make a list or anything?" I reiterated that I was just going to sit. So, we sat. And snuggled. And were promptly joined by our daughters who babbled at us nonstop for 20 minutes. But it was nice.

Then I went to my therapist's eating disorders support group. I realized that I feel somewhat ashamed that my ED is not the more glamorous anorexia. It is the embarrassing BED. Somehow being waifish and hungry seems more sympathy-inducing than being someone who stuffs her face. Maybe that's my own insecurity talking. Anyway, I felt really self conscious at first, but after a while I was offering my opinions on everything. The teens were probably wishing I'd shut up. There was an older woman there whose legs, I swear, were smaller around than my five-year-old's. Yet she was going on and on about needing to lose weight, and how she couldn't stop eating. I felt really sorry for her because she is obviously firmly entrenched in anorexia, and has no idea what her body really looks like. Most of the girls in the group are either in recovery or are working on it. None of them are obviously too thin.

We talked about changing self-talk and how to stop the cycle of emotional eating, shame, more eating, more shame, more eating, etc. I had to go to the grocery store afterward and I had that familiar feeling of wanting to eat to decompress after a stressful situation. I cruised by the in-store bakery, breathing in the delicious scent of the bread and doughnuts and cake. I didn't linger, however, and simply got my groceries and left. At home, I tried to decide if I was really hungry (dinner had been small and early), or just wanted to eat. I finally decided that if I had to question it, I wasn't really hungry. I was still quite tempted to eat, and actually opened the fridge and the cupboard. R saved me by appearing at that moment. I asked her if T was still awake and she said he was. So I marched upstairs and, instead of eating, made love to my husband. That is far more satisfying than graham crackers any day.

Learning to Live with the Cookies

2008-04-24T14:21:00.004-04:00

First -- a brag on myself....The BIG boss came to my storytime this morning before she went out to lunch with my bosses. She told them that I was really good at doing storytime! Patting myself on the back now...

I saw my therapist yesterday and she totally put her finger on one of my biggest problems. I suppose I already knew it, but didn't want to admit it. She said that I am not taking enough downtime for myself; I'm not doing enough that's just for me. She advised me to take just 20 minutes a day after dinner and go out on my bike, go out for a walk, or hibernate in my bedroom with a book. Then, at least once a week on my day off, carve out a good 2-hour plus block of time to do something for myself -- and refuse to feel guilty about it. When I shared this with T, he said, "Did you tell her your husband has been telling you that for years?"

We discussed my wasted weekends, and she thinks that because I'm not taking any time for myself, it's my way of trying to do it subconsciously. Because T views his days off as days to relax and do nothing, but I view them as days on which chores should be done, I feel resentment that he is able to lie around on the couch all day, doing nothing. My restlessness is caused by being torn between thinking of the things I "should" do versus the things that I "want" to do. She told me not to let T's issues become my issues. His laziness, crabbiness or illness has nothing to do with me and I shouldn't assume it does or try to fix it. When he was lying around feeling ill, I could have just herded the kids into the car and gone to do something fun without him.

I said that I thought I needed more structure on my days off -- a to-do list, at the very least. She agreed, but advised that I put no more than 3-5 things on the list. I can do that. We also discussed the irrational thoughts I often have regarding food and relationships. Rather than simply recognizing them as irrational, I also need to ask myself what evidence I have for them, and reframe them as positive thoughts. When I feel really "bingey", but don't know why, I can take a look at the feelings list she gave me and try to pinpoint a feeling or two.

Last night I was driving home from work, hungry, and kept thinking I wanted an ice cream cone from McDonald's. I'm not sure why that popped into my head because I rarely go to McD's, but I love that soft, sweet kind of ice cream and find it very soothing and comforting. I was seeking decompression after doing a program at work that I'd been really nervous about. I told myself that I was hungry for food, not ice cream. I got home, ate a veggie dog on a piece of Ezekiel bread, and I really wasn't hungry anymore. I wasn't satisfied yet though, and I ate a handful of Cheetos, 1 1/2 cookies, and a cup or so of ice cream. Then I felt guilty and my hand hovered briefly over the cookie jar, knowing that I could binge and feel so nice and full of chocolate chip cookies.

My hand hovered, hovered, hovered. I thought about the talk I'd had with the therapist about my "brownie day" last Sunday. I told her that I knew that, at several points during the day, I could have thrown the brownies away to change the pattern, but I didn't want to. I know it's not about the food, and I don't want the solution to always be to throw everything away. That CAN'T always be the solution because I can't possibly throw away all of the brownies in the world. I want to learn to live with the brownies. She agreed, but said that, for now, sometimes the answer might be to throw them away. As the food and feelings become less connected, the brownies will sit there and it won't occur to me to eat one because I'm agitated. I didn't throw the cookies away, but I took my hand away from the cookie jar and went off to bed, telling myself, "You are learning to live with the cookies."

Back in the Saddle Again

2008-04-21T12:06:00.003-04:00

I rode my bike last night for the first time in about 18 months. I only went five miles, but dang are my sit bones sore! It felt really good though. I only had a couple of flashbacks to my accident, and my leg is strong enough now that I can almost stand up and pedal. Maybe by the end of the summer, it will be.

I'm sorry to say that I frittered away my weekend, not doing much that was constructive. We cleaned on Saturday morning (always sure to be crankiness inducing), and went to my coworker's wedding in the afternoon and evening. T wasn't feeling good, and only got sicker as the weekend went on, ensuring that going to the wedding wasn't exactly a romantic or nostalgic date. We danced only one dance together, but did share some good laughs with my coworkers. I hardly ate anything at the wedding dinner, but ate my entire piece of cake. That would have been fine except that it was dry and the frosting tasted weird. I think I only ate the whole thing because I'd "saved room" for it by eating a really small dinner. If only I could remember that there will always be cake -- and better tasting cake -- in my life.

Yesterday we went to a concert with our kids -- The Composer is Dead by Lemony Snicket. The idea was cute, but the execution of it didn't really work. The best thing that can be said for it is that it was only an hour long. T dragged himself to it with us, but promptly went back to bed when we got home. I find his frequent illnesses annoying. I can't believe I'm typing that. It's not his fault and I feel like a bad person for being annoyed, but there it is. He has a horrible immune system and gets sick every other month. Perhaps I'd have more sympathy if I got sick more often than once every 3-4 years, but I probably annoy him with my persistent good health. I was crabby all weekend because nothing turned out like I had planned and looked forward to. I didn't let it affect my eating -- much. I did indulge in at least three servings of Cheetos at lunch on Saturday, and three chocolate chip cookies while baking yesterday, but I skipped dessert at last night's dinner and went out on my bike instead.

This week is another hellish week of busyness -- Retrouvaille board meeting tonight at our house (the reason for the Saturday cleaning), golf tomorrow night, work Wednesday night, t-ball practice for C on Thursday night (and T works late), birthday party for my FIL on Friday night, work all day on Saturday for me (and C's half birthday) .... maybe Sunday will be restful. :-)

Stopping Before I've Started

2008-04-18T15:12:00.003-04:00

Wow, I'm so, so, so glad it's Friday. It has been an incredibly stressful week and I'm exhausted. Trying to wake up this morning felt like swimming through mud. Last night I left work and took C to t-ball practice. I had brought a snack for each of us, and we bolted it down in the 10 minutes we had before practice. T showed up with the dog, looking cranky and not kissing me hello. He seemed pretty distant and told me he'd stay with C if I wanted to take R home.

On the way home, my mind was racing with doubts I haven't had for a while. Was T upset or angry with me? Was he starting to feel emotionally detached from me again? Were we headed for divorce? (no one ever accused me of underplaying things). At home, I ate a smallish dinner, did the dishes, and fretted. T and C arrived home, still no kiss, and my worries escalated as he barely said three words to me. I sat there eating a small piece of chocolate, watching C eat ice cream, while plotting and scheming my binge to come. As soon as T left to walk the dog, I would start with Cheetos. I'd continue with Pop Tarts. Somehow I'd get some ice cream in there....
I stopped. I asked myself exactly what I had to gain by bingeing -- or eating anything, since I wasn't hungry? What would I gain besides misery and self-hatred with a side of guilt? Even if T came back from walking the dog to announce, "I'm in love with someone else, she's pregnant with my baby, and I'm leaving right now!", would having a full stomach help my emotional agony? No. Not so much. Or at all. Probably quite the opposite.

I left C to finish on her own, went upstairs, went through my nighttime routine, and got into bed. T came home, we talked for a bit (no dramatic announcements), and I fell asleep after some further fretting. This morning T called to warn me that he'd knocked over the beer bottles on his way to work, told me he loved me, and sounded totally normal. Go figure. All the same, I'm glad we have a date tomorrow. I feel as though I haven't really talked to him for weeks.

Michelle Wie Still Has Nothing to Fear From Me

2008-04-16T18:18:00.002-04:00

I had my first golf lesson last night. The ONE time the instructor had us swing at an actual ball, I missed. Supposedly an hour-long lesson, it lasted 2 hours and 15 minutes and the instructor must have been a Marine Sergeant in a former life. When I finally got into the van to head home, I discovered my cell phone was dead. I arrived home 90 minutes late to a fuming dh, who was thoroughly convinced I was wrapped around a telephone pole. He also informed me that the dog had escaped and was running around in the woods. ARGH! I spent an hour looking for her with no luck. Just as I was finally heading to bed, utterly exhausted, she appeared at the door completely covered with black mud. So R and I were bathing the dog in the tub at 10:30pm, as she sat meekly and looked at us with soulful brown eyes. At least she didn't bug me for a walk until 6:30 this morning -- though that meant I missed my morning cardio.

I saw my regular doctor today. She was quite pleased with my blood pressure (100/70), my weight loss over the past couple of months, and my health in general. She was rather displeased with my cholesterol level. My good cholesterol is good and my triglycerides are normal for once (probably due to the major reduction of crappy sugary carb intake since I've been seeing the therapist), but my "bad" cholesterol is pretty bad -- I think it was 199. She has given me three months to see if it goes down, but is pretty convinced that it is hereditary and won't budge. It looks like medication for me. Boo. Hoo.

I've had three terrific days. Even with all of my evening madness last night, I felt no urge to reach for food to comfort or distract me. Monday evening I went grocery shopping and was briefly tempted by the ice cream I brought home -- especially when I saw the girls eating it. After considering my state of hunger (or lack of) and emotional state (tired), I realized that I didn't really want it that much. It can wait. Ice cream will always be around, and I'd rather have it when I can sit and enjoy it. This morning we had doughnuts at our meeting (from my favorite doughnut place, Susie's Donuts!) but they just looked greasy. I'd just eaten breakfast and wasn't the slightest bit hungry anyway.

Can I Have a Do-Over?

2008-04-14T11:46:00.002-04:00

I had a crummy weekend. Friday night, we had three couples over for pizza before going to a hockey game, and for drinks after the game. Two of the women engaged it that stupid "I'm not really that hungry" game -- you know, the one where they take one piece of pizza, leave the crust behind, and turn down the chips & cheese, fruit & dip, and brownies. I felt like a miserable pig for eating two pieces of pizza. I suppose that's my issue and I really, really shouldn't allow what anyone else eats or doesn't eat affect me, right? I really didn't even want most of my second piece of pizza, but ate it anyway because I was nervous. At least I turned down the popcorn most of them were eating at the game. After we got back, someone produced a birthday cake for one of the guys, and I ate a piece. It wasn't even very good. I only ate a bit at first, but proceeded to pick at it until it was gone -- and had a dozen or so chips and cheese to top it off.

On Saturday, I went scrapbooking all day. I had gone back and forth about whether or not I should bring my own food -- or at least a salad. On the one hand, she usually serves food that isn't exactly healthy. On the other hand, I don't want to engage in behavior that is too "diety" and disordered. I ended up taking nothing and regretted it. She served greasy meatballs, potato salad, chips, overly sweet hot fruit compote, and brownies. I didn't like any of it, and ate only enough to stave off hunger. Then all afternoon I felt very dissatisfied and restless. I really wanted to get outside and take a nice, relaxing walk but it poured rain nonstop all day. I ended up salving my restlessness with two brownies. After the crop I went home, and feeling very unhappy, proceeded to eat a couple of handfuls of chocolate Chex mix (which is really yucky tasting, let me tell you!) with the girls. I ALMOST started a binge. I ate a Girl Scout cookie after my Chex mix, and felt myself teetering on the edge. I talked myself down and went upstairs to bed instead.

Yesterday, T got called in to work 10 hours of overtime, which is great for the budget but bad for me. R was gone at a friend's house and C had a friend visiting. I felt trapped and had that horrible jittery feeling that preceeds a binge. It was almost as though too many possibilities of how to spend the day were spread out before me, while at the same time I felt trapped by all of the chores waiting for me. I have already decided that the next time I have a day like this I will immediately make a to-do list that includes work AND relaxation. I ended up pacing the house like a caged lion for most of the day (in between loads of laundry and bill paying), and about five brownies made their way into my stomach by early afternoon. I didn't end up doing anything satisfying for me OR any of the cleaning and organizing I had wanted to do. I got on the elliptical for 30 minutes, I walked the dog a couple of times (short walks since I had two five-year-olds there), but I just couldn't calm myself. After dinner I had to pick R up (T was held over at work and missed dinner, which didn't help) and we went out for ice cream. I only had a kiddie scoop, but I wasn't at all hungry AND it doesn't really help my girls' future eating habits to take them for food only because I want it.

Today is a new day and the start of a new week. I have regrets about the weekend, but I sat down yesterday and wrote out a "chain of events" for my therapist, along with ways I could have done things differently. I have to look at the good: I didn't have an all-out binge. There was no time when I felt sick because I'd eaten too much. I didn't proceed to eat every sugary carb in the house. Heck, there were still a dozen brownies left by evening. I may have taken a step back, but I'm ready to move forward again.

I'm Game

2008-04-10T11:13:00.003-04:00

Not only did my dh get out with the leaf blower, but he and the girls picked up all of the sticks in the backyard AND my dearest T, who despises yard work, suggested that on each nice weekend we should choose an area and work on it for an hour or two (!) That really makes me feel much less put-upon.

I met with my therapist yesterday, and she's very pleased with my progress. She said it seemed that my ability to be reflective is improving, and she was quite happy to hear that I haven't binged in a few weeks. I told her that I'd had some mild urges that I didn't quite understand. Once last week when T took the dog for a walk, I really wanted to start eating. Yet I wasn't upset, I wasn't unhappy, I wasn't angry with T, and I wasn't having any sort of strong feeling I could identify. She suggested that perhaps many small irritations build up over the course of the week, and just then is when I felt the urge because I had the opportunity. Wow -- light bulb moment. There had been several times over the week when I'd been annoyed because the dishes weren't done or something small happened -- too small to whinge about, but irritating to me. She advised me to journal each night about the things bothering me, both small and large. If I write them down, it's easier to let them go. That makes a lot of sense.

She gave me quite a bit of "homework" to do -- making a list of my triggers and how I can thwart them, making a behavior chain (for example -- I get up late, don't pack a good lunch, feel starving all afternoon, stop at a fast food place, eat too much, feel guilt, binge...whatever might happen), and a sheet on problem solving -- i.e. my problem is that I want to eat dessert every night after dinner. I have to write down what's in it for me, the down side, my options, other options, the option I'll try this week, how many days I was successful, and whether or not I want to try another option. She also gave me handouts on working with feelings and negative self-talk.

We discussed my "not good enough" poem, and though it was obvious that many events in my life served to reinforce the idea that weight and looks were really important, I told her that I realized that my feelings weren't all related to my weight. All my life I'd thought, "If I just lost ___ pounds, I'd be happy." Yet, many of the things I wrote about were unrelated to weight and looks. I would have felt bad whether I'd weighed 300 pounds or 110 pounds. She asked what that said to me. I told her, "Well, it's obvious that I have really bad self esteem and somehow need to raise it." She replied, "Are you ready to do that work?" AHHHH! I answered, "I guess so." I can't imagine how it will ever happen, but I'm game.

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning, Oh What a Beautiful Day!....

2008-04-07T12:22:00.002-04:00

If only I could sing. Today is our third gorgeous day in a row -- the sunshine and warmth make me so HAPPY! I worked in our yard for a couple of hours yesterday and it looks 100 times better already. I have T the big hint that he should get out there with the leaf blower today, so we'll see if he takes it. My back and shoulders are rather sore today.

Saturday at our CORE meeting, we had (natch) a potluck. I was really hungry, and though I didn't really eat a LOT of food, I ate past "enough". I tried not to beat myelf up about it and didn't give in to the urge to eat more after we got home. Yesterday we cooked out on our grill for the first time this year. T and the girls had steak, but I made lean hamburgers for dad and me (dad has dentures and can't really chew steak -- I just don't like it all that much). I ate the burger and some broccoli and was full. I was annoyed because I'd made banana bread and peanut butter and jelly bars and really wanted some, so I ate a piece of each of those too. Then I felt really overful and was mad at myself. I didn't use it as an excuse to eat more though. Instead, I had a nice long, relaxing walk with my SIL after dinner, which was the first time in ages we'd been able to have a good talk. Wow -- I had almost 16000 steps on my pedometer yesterday.

Goosebumps

2008-04-02T16:13:00.002-04:00

Our Retrouvaille community just finished a weekend and a participant (who had begged to get in at the last minute) sent T this note:

T,
I just wanted to sincerely thank you for your efforts in making room for K and I this weekend. You will never know the difference you have allowed us to make in our marriage. The drive to the retreat was 3 hours that felt like 6. I don't think we said more than 10 words. The ride home felt like it only took about 20 minutes (just as you said, T). I just can't thank you enough for giving us the chance to revive our marriage. To us, this weekend meant everything. We are truly thankful for all we have and we hope to never take for granted what God has blessed us with. We floated all the way home. I assure you that you and all the people involved in our Retrouvaille weekend will be remembered in our daily prayers. We look forward to our post sessions. May God continue to bless you and your family every day, T & K

Isn't that awesome? I get goosebumps every time I read it. That's what Retrouvaille is all about and results like this make all the work totally worth it.

A Test -- and I Passed

2008-04-01T21:25:00.002-04:00

We had a shower at work today for a coworker who is getting married this month. Sometimes I swear my life revolves around food events. Anyway, I knew that the menu was chicken salad and croissants -- neither of which I am wild about and both of which are really high in calories and fat. I was sort of fretting about it, wondering if I should bring my own lunch. I waffled -- was that too weird? Too "diety"? I finally packed my salad and Lean Cuisine Panini and took it to work, still undecided. At lunchtime I compromised and ate my salad, but had about 1/3 of a croissant and a small bit of chicken salad too. I had a small piece of cake and a couple of bites of the fruit salad and bread and that was it. I wanted more, but only because I wanted more -- not because I was still hungry. So I didn't have more. I just sat with the wanting and felt it, and didn't do anything about it. I felt so peaceful all afternoon.

After dinner, I had some of the dessert my daughter made yesterday and then felt guilty because I'd already eaten cake today. I had lots of "mmmm...Easter candy in the cupboard..." thoughts, but sternly told myself that I was making the choice to be a normal eater. Normal eaters can have candy anytime they want -- it isn't anything special. I took the dog for a walk instead of opening the cupboard. By the time I ambled back, I was calm and felt okay.

I wrote my assignment for the therapist today -- a poem on the theme "not good enough". It just kind of flowed out of my pen, though tis true that I've been pondering it for a week. It brought up some things I'd almost forgotten about or hadn't thought about in years. I don't think I'll post it here. Maybe after I show it to her.

What a Great Weekend!

2008-03-31T14:03:00.002-04:00

On Friday night, T and I registered couples for the Retrouvaille weekend. There was a gigantic buffet dinner set out for the people working that evening. I was absolutely ravenous, but took my time, choosing a turkey sandwich, one dessert, and some raw veggies. I ate it and it was enough. Later I had a couple of crackers with cheese, but that was it. I mulled it over and didn't feel terribly deprived -- and I didn't go hungry.

On Saturday I went to a scrapbooking crop all afternoon and evening. They had a gigantic bowl of candy sitting two feet from me, and a table groaning with desserts and snacks. I had one mini Snickers bar, two brownies, and half a cookie. However, when dinner came, I wasn't thrilled with the sandwich and only ate half of it, along with salad and a breadstick. I didn't feel overfull and didn't eat anything else after dinner. I was tempted -- I had a very brief thought of "Oh man, I ate two brownies...maybe I should just finish that last one on the platter..." but realized I really had eaten enough and it would just be emotional eating if I did.

Yesterday afternoon, I was prowling around the house feeling very restless and grumpy. I tried to lie down but couldn't relax. I didn't feel like reading. I didn't want to clean or organize anything. I didn't want to do a craft. I didn't want to take a walk. I just felt very out of sorts. I had almost decided that I'd bake something, but realized that I only wanted to bake so I'd have an excuse to lick the beaters. So I went downstairs to catch up on my email until it was time for bowling. I felt really glad that I hadn't given in.

Our bowling season ended last night and our team finished in the middle of the pack, rather than almost last as we did last year. AND you won't believe who the high/low winners were? Yes, that would be me and my partner! Unbelievable. For the final day, they pair the bowlers with the highest and lowest average, the next highest and next lowest, and so on. At the end of the night, the pair who bowled most over their combined average wins. I'm not really sure how we won -- my last game was awful -- but we won!

We had a potluck dinner there too, and I was very pleased with myself. I went to the buffet once and took a very small plate of food -- only things that looked wonderful to me. I took only one dessert! I ate it mindfully and that was it. I was satisfied and didn't really fight any huge urge to run back to the table and stuff myself. I had to walk past the food several more times to get raffle tickets and did give the homemade chocolate chip cookies more than a passing glance, but I really was okay with not having any.

Hey, I can do this.

Therapy Visit #2

2008-03-28T15:42:00.003-04:00

This week would normally be a very "dangerous" week for me. I was gone every single evening -- support group, therapy appt, haircut, work...even tonight T and I will be registering couples for the Retrouvaille weekend our community is having. However, every time the mom/wife guilt fairy has popped into my head, I have shushed her firmly. This is one week out of my life, and I will not let stress and guilt drive me to unhealthy behaviors.

I had a very good talk this week with my therapist. I shared my "eating as decompression" theory with her and we chatted about my compulsive/impulsive eating. I told her I haven't binged much at all for the past few weeks, but I sometimes find myself eating something almost unconsciously. I walk past the goodies and work and, almost before I realize it, I'm taking a bite from a cookie. I'm very driven by external cues, so if I come home and T is eating, I immediately want to join him whether I'm hungry or not. She challenged me: the very next time I find myself eating something I had not planned on, I'm to walk over to the sink or trash and throw it away. Eek. I can't imagine doing that if it's something yummy. She asked how I thought I'd feel if I did that and I answered, "Empowered". She said, "Exactly!"

Now I feel as though I'm hyper-aware of everything I eat. I've had a few thoughts pop into my head, but haven't acted on them. For example, R's godmother mailed her an Easter basket of candy. There were some Whoppers in it and I took them to work because no one in our family likes them. The next day I noticed that someone had opened the carton and I started to walk toward them to get one. Then I stopped, literally, in my tracks and thought, "HELLO?!? You brought these in to work because you don't particularly like them!"

Near the end of our session, she said, "It sounds as though the theme "not good enough" has come up a lot for you in life". I had to admit that it had, very often. She told me to journal or write a poem about "not good enough". I haven't started yet, but I've been mulling it over every morning when I walk the dog.

The other morning I weighed 171.2. It's so nice not to have skintight pants anymore.

One more thing I have to share. Last week R said to me, "Mom, I'm finding it so hard to believe in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus because I see so little real magic in the world. When I read books the wizards and fairies seem so real to me, but I look around and I just don't see it." Sometimes I think she is a 70-year-old lady trapped in a 10-year-old's body.

Stunned

2008-03-28T10:45:00.002-04:00

I hung up the phone after talking to my sister for 85 minutes and felt absolutely stunned. My beautiful, smart, sweet, wonderful 17-year-old niece started throwing up to lose weight a few months ago -- and has been cutting herself. After losing weight due to the bulimia, she now has her first boyfriend and is spending every second with him, smoking pot and having sex. She had enough credits to graduate from high school last May, but has been taking classes this year so that she could graduate with her friends. Those would be the friends she hasn't seen in weeks, due to the new boyfriend. Her grades, previously all As, are now slipping to Cs and the scholarships being offered by various universities are evaporating. I feel so helpless and scared for her. My sister has had her in therapy, but she refuses to admit that anything is wrong, claiming that she's not engaging in any self-destructive behavior anymore. Then my sister saw a gigantic bandage on her ankle.

To top off my worry, my sister confessed that she also has been harming herself. She started off scratching herself and has now switched to head banging. She gave herself two black eyes a few weeks ago. She's not getting enough sleep, not exercising, AND her husband announced that he's going to leave her "just for a couple of years" so he can move in with his mother and help her pay off her debts. I know...what a family.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I lived closer than 1600 miles away. I wish I could just make everything better. I wrote my niece a long letter telling her of my 25+ year struggle with eating issues and men, and begging her to learn from my mistakes. I don't know if it will do any good, but I had to do something.

Support

2008-03-25T14:18:00.002-04:00

Last night I went to the eating disorders support group run by my therapist. I was very nervous when I got there, but thoroughly girded my loins and went in. I grew more and more self conscious as anorexic teenage girl after anorexic teenage girl came in, mothers in tow. I recognized one teen (she was in my preschool storytimes 12 years ago) and her mom. What had I let myself in for? Finally one overweight teen came in -- and I recognized her mother. Oy. I may have bolted except that two women who were at least close to my age came in -- and it was the meeting during the month when parents and loved ones have a separate group. Whew.

It was heartbreaking to listen to these young, beautiful girls talk about eating only one meal a day, being afraid of restaurants, and exercising for hours every day. I just sat there thinking, "Please God, do NOT let this be my daughter six or seven years from now." I feel kind of proud that I was able to offer some concrete suggestions and comments to some of the attendees. One woman told me, "I'm so glad you were here." She is anorexic and bewildered, unable to afford therapy.

On the way home, the first thought that popped into my head was, "Wow, I want to go home and eat." The second thought was, "What? That was weird." I think eating after successfully making it through a stressful situation is a way of decompressing. At the family brunch on Sunday, I didn't overeat a bit. I didn't really eat much at all, actually. However, later at home I had 3 desserts. It was as though I thought "Whew -- it's over. I made it through without bingeing or overeating. Now I can eat." That doesn't really made sense to a sensible person, but until last night it made sense to me. For the rest of the drive home, I considered this new discovery. When I got home, I chatted with T about the meeting and went to sleep. No urge to eat anything at all.

Of Snow and More Snow

2008-03-21T14:09:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's snowing. Well, I CAN believe it -- I just don't want to! The past couple of weeks have been so lovely and snow-free. We still have piles of it, but the roads have been clear and I've not had to worry about falling while walking the dog. Sigh. A white Easter. So festive.

So...about Easter. Last year I wrote in my blog that I "grazed myself into a food coma". I have vague recollections of last year, and I'm determined NOT to do that this year. I've had a really good week working on not procrastinating. I've started a few projects at work that I'd been putting off forever, and when I have the thought "I should do such-and-such or call so-and-so..." I've been doing it rather than writing myself a post-it note and promptly forgetting all about it. No binges this week - no overeating whatsoever. I so didn't want to drag myself from bed to exercise this morning, but fortunately the wee Princess wasn't taking no for an answer when she wanted a walk. After walking her, I prevented total boredom on the elliptical by watching "Prime Suspect". Love that show. I should have been English. Well, I am part English -- in fact, while doing genealogy research my parents discovered that I'm in line for the throne. Of course, I'm around 60th or something, but it's kind of neat to know anyway.

So, back to Easter. Tomorrow I have to whip up two desserts for our post Easter Vigil dinner with the inlaws. Luckily, we talked my MIL into having a lighter dinner, so I'm also making chicken noodle soup. On Sunday we head to the extended family brunch. I have to make raspberry vanilla chip muffins. This is my plan: have a snack before church on Saturday and eat very lightly at dinner afterward. On Sunday, scope out the buffet, take only what looks absolutely fabulous, eat it slowly and mindfully, and stay far, far away from the food for the rest of the day. Chat up the aunts and uncles instead; pretend I'm sociable.

Therapy

2008-03-18T10:59:00.006-04:00

I was reading the book Confessions of a Carb Queen, which is a very raw memoir of a woman who went to the Rice Diet Clinic in North Carolina weighing 468.1 pounds and ended up staying for 2 1/2 years, losing 250 pounds or so in the process. It was quite absorbing, though I would have liked more details about how she changed from a person who fell asleep dreaming of food even after her clinic stay to a person who no longer longs for food. Anyway, she had a poem in the book that I just loved:

The jump

frightening between

where I am

and

where I want to be....

because of all I may become

I will close my eyes and

leap.

---Anonymous

I feel as though today I leapt. I saw my therapist and we wrote out a list of goals. Wow, was it long. Interestingly, her focus is not at all on stopping the binges or food. It's on working on the underlying issues that caused the eating disorder. Huh. Who'd have thought?

She had given me some tests last month and I scored pretty high for having an eating disorder, interpersonal problems, and some other things. I scored almost off the charts for perfectionism and body dissatisfaction. No surprise there whatsoever. I will see her in one week and she asked me to choose one thing from our list of goals to work on. I chose procrastination, so for the next week I am supposed to work on not procrastinating and not needing everything to be perfect (because the two go hand in hand).

In other news, I got an 89, 90, and 97 in bowling, which helped our team win all three games. My average is up to 79 now. In two weeks we have our potluck and the last night until fall. I think I will miss it (HA HA HA HA!). My weekend had its ups and downs. On Saturday we went out to dinner at Logan's Roadhouse. I was already quite hungry when we arrived and we ended up having to wait 75 minutes for a table. By the time we got dinner rolls I could have eaten the table. They serve a humongous bucket of peanuts for you to much on while you wait, but I limited myself to about three because I really wanted to enjoy my dinner. I had only one dinner roll while my 10-year-old ate four! She was quite hungry herself. I really enjoyed my salad, part of my steak, and part of my sweet potato. They have little tiny desserts served in cute little buckets. I had the Nutter Butter Fudgeslide -- about half a cup or so of chocolate mousse with a thin layer of peanut butter topping, and a dollop of whipped cream on top. It was perfect -- just enough sweet and richness. On Sunday, I overate after bowling because I was too hungry, but I didn't binge. Yesterday was fine. I'm getting there.

p.s. I saw four crocuses in our front yard! Wa hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dinner in the Alley

2008-03-15T15:54:00.003-04:00

Here is my little C at a dinner we had at the library last night. Yes, she is pointing to a stuffed rat. Every year we divide the staff in half and each half makes a themed dinner for the other half. This year our team's theme was "The Alley". I was a little uncomfortable since it seemed a bit non-PC, but my team was gung-ho for it, so whatever. Our decor was that of a run-down alley, complete with trash, grafitti, a car garage with pin-up calendar (photos of the other team photoshopped onto pin-up bodies), a peep show, winos (mannequins with our bosses' faces on them)....okay, I'm quitting while I'm behind. The other team couldn't stop laughing and we all had a great time stuffing ourselves with loads of food.

I definitely ate too much and paid for it with a tummy ache, a sleepless night, and a grouchy demeanor this morning when I awoke. I definitely didn't eat intuitively. I really ate very little except for ...ahem...the desserts. You knew that was coming, didn't you? Yes, I'm 100% certain that my body didn't want either of the two pieces of cake I ate, or the four cookies, or the half a Twinkie. I didn't even LIKE the Twinkie! Ew. It tasted of chemicals. I could tell the chocolate cake was frosted with canned frosting, yet I finished the piece anyway. Sigh.

I gave myself a pep talk. One meal does not a life ruin. I'm back on track today, eating until satisfied and eating what my body wants. There are loads of leftover goodies in our back room, but looking at them just makes me feel icky.