a hodgepodge of topics

In answer to a couple of the comments I got (and THANK YOU for your lovely supportive comments!) -- I really can't eat dessert first at dinner. Well, I could -- but wouldn't it be providing a bad example for my children? They are, so far, totally normal eaters without any weird food attitudes and I'd like to keep it that way. My older dd never had any sort of dessert until after her first birthday and even then it was a rare thing. I'm not sure how on earth we got into the habit of having it every night after dinner (which is how it was for me growing up) but now I can't backpeddle and stop. I've tried and the girls think they're deprived and want to go out to get ice cream if we have nothing sweet in the house.

I'm still wavering on the class. I think I'll wait and see if she calls me. I asked her to give me a ring when the class was ready to start up again, so when and if she calls I will ask her a few more questions about exactly what she does and what her success rate is. I wouldn't mind starting up some sort of support group myself, but all of the support groups I've been involved in online seem to divide into two groups of women -- one group that totally gets IE and can't seem to grasp why the second group is having so much trouble leaving bingeing and overeating behind (ahem...my group). I imagine a real-life group would be much the same unless it was lead by a therapist.

I started doing my upper body weight training DVD again a couple of weeks ago. Good grief, was I sore! It took me until a couple of days ago to be able to make it through the abs portion without giving up before reaching the end. It has reminded me of how good weight training feels -- how strong and capable one feels after a session. My leg is stronger now than it was last time I did the DVD -- 6 months ago maybe? There's an exercise in the ab portion that's like the plank in Pilates and my leg isn't shaky and trembly now when I do it. I have noticed that lately I can walk up the stairs without help from the railing, as long as I'm not carrying anything heavy. I still need the rail to go down or I feel as though I'm going to pitch forward, but hopefully someday I'll be rail-free!

I've been thinking about something Geneen Roth says -- that food gives you something -- something you need that you aren't getting. What could I be not getting? I definitely have put my life on hold since my accident. I still have boxes that need unpacking and haven't entertained much at all, beyond family. The walls are still mostly empty, the shelves are still mostly empty, and I still haven't unpacked and organized my scrapbooking stuff enough to accomplish anything. When I have time on my hands at home, I usually manage to spend it paying bills, doing routine cleaning, baking or cooking, eating, or sitting around reading.

Two years ago I was so convinced that when we moved to a house that we weren't ashamed of we'd keep it up better and have people over more often. That may have happened if I hadn't shattered my leg, but after I recovered, everything seemed like too much of an effort. I tired easily if I stood too long, I couldn't carry things, going up and down the stairs was awkward, and I just got lazy somehow. So....no more waiting! Today I get out of work at 12:15pm (since I work on Sunday) and I'm going home to unpack. I'm determined to work on it every day I have off until it's done. When unpacking is done, I'm moving on to pictures on the walls.

Singin' the Tight Pants Blues

I'm rather down today. I haven't weighed myself, but my pants were really tight this morning. I haven't had any sort of binge since Easter (when I grazed myself into a food coma at a family brunch), and I haven't really been overeating much at meals. However, I've been having some sort of dessert at most every lunch and dinner. Dessert at lunch is usually just a couple of Hershey kisses or a dozen m&ms (unless a coworker has brought in something delish), but my dinnertime desserts have been things like hot fudge sundaes, root beer floats, large pieces of leftover Easter bunny, handfuls of cookies....all without being the slightest bit hungry.

I'm feeling a bit hopeless. I know I can't go on a diet -- if I can't stop myself from eating cookies after dinner I would certainly not be able to stick to any kind of diet. Yet I'm very, very unhappy over my weight gain. I feel as though I've been writing and re-writing this exact thing over and over and over again for a year now and I'm not getting anywhere.

There is a class starting up in May that is supposed to help one stop bingeing, conquer cravings, deal with feelings instead of eating them, etc. I spoke to the teacher about it last winter, but didn't sign up because it costs almost $600. That is a large chunk of money for us -- a large chunk. I finally worked up the courage to ask T if it would be okay for me to spend the money to take it and he (bless his cheapskate penny pinching heart) didn't hesitate before saying if I thought it would help me, I should go right ahead. I hesitate though because good heavens, I could teach such a class! I've read so many books on how to stop binge eating, how to eat healthfully, how to eat intuitively, how to deal with negative thought patterns and feelings. Through my HMO, I've taken a class in dealing with stress, a class based on the book Thoughts & Feelings : taking control of your moods and your life, a class based on the L.E.A.R.N. book (deals with losing weight without dieting), I've had therapy... I feel as though I've done it all and nothing has helped. The simple fact is that there is no magic pill -- no magic class. I have to do it myself and so far have been unable to do it. If I spend $600 on something that doesn't help yet again, I think the guilt will be overwhelming.

graham cracker update

I've eaten 5 or 6 graham crackers -- no bingeing behavior around them. However, they are the fat free cinnamon sugar kind (not my favorite), I have no milk at work to dunk them in, and they aren't mine. I'd be rather mortified to have a coworker walk in on me eating an entire inner package of them.

I thought of completely staying away from them, which is often easier than trying to eat just a little bit of any tempting food. Is that realistic though? I can't go through my entire life avoiding foods that have been problematic for me in the past. I'd become a hermit, never venturing to a dinner party or restaurant. When I was 30 lbs thinner, I was afraid of restaurants. I brought my own lunch to a scrapbooking crop because I had asked the hostess what she was serving ahead of time and didn't want to eat croissants with chicken salad! I don't want to go back to that again. What a weirdo.

Last night the girls and I went out to dinner with my dad (T stayed at home brushing up on his testimony for a trial). R chose IHOP, and I actually looked up the menu ahead of time because I was nervous. Their "healthy" choices looked rather unappealing, and when we got there I ordered a sandwich, then changed to a bacon burger on sourdough with fries. It was rather tasty, but I was pretty full after half of it. I took the other half home and left five or so fries on the plate. I was full, but not overfull. I still felt guilt. How long does it take for that dumb feeling to go away?!?

We went off to see the butterflies at the local botanical garden, and then stopped for ice cream on the way home. I got a kiddie cone, feeling some guilt because I wasn't the slightest bit physically hungry. Neither R nor C finished their cones, and I threw them away instead of polishing them off.

I've been experimenting today with eating until I'm JUST full. I am hungry sooner than usual, but I feel less guilt and, of course, am eating less food. Next time I KNOW I'm going to have dessert (as I did last night), I will try and stop even sooner. To be honest, I think I could have eaten only half the fries and about a quarter to a third of the burger and felt fine. I might have even been hungry again when it was time for ice cream.

a test

Well, I am to be sorely tested over the next week or so. We have a constant supply of snacks from a coworker who somehow thinks we are underfed. So in the break room, there are usually potato chips, honey wheat pretzels, cookies of various varieties, etc. I sometimes eat a few, but usually stay away from them, knowing that store-bought goodies just aren't that great.

This week she brought in graham crackers. Oh, graham crackers...my nemesis in the battle to prevent bingeing. I don't know what it is about them, but I have so far not been able to eat one or two graham crackers at a time more than a few times in my life. I LOVE them dunked in milk, with chocolate and marshmallows sandwiched in between (as smores), spread with peanut butter, or just plain. Perhaps they're connected with some emotionally nourishing memory of childhood.

This coming week will be a test of my ability to be around graham crackers...like I need something else to stress me out.

Another example of intuitive eating in action: my four-year-old ate wayyyy too much candy on Easter, with no comment or judgment from me. On Monday morning she announced she wasn't hungry for breakfast. The only thing she wanted to eat was a carrot.

French Toast for Breakfast

French Toast for Breakfast is the name of a good book on intuitive eating -- can't remember the author. Anyway, she says she gave her book that particular name because the women she worked with seemed most whistful about eating french toast for breakfast. They had denied it to themselves for years because it was too fattening.

I was thinking about this yesterday when I went out to breakfast with my MIL, SIL, and aunt-in-law. I looked a the menu and went back and forth about what to have. I really wanted french toast but thought "it's sooo many calories! So many carbs! What if I eat it and then I'm starving an hour later because I didn't eat any protein?! What if it makes my triglyceride level shoot to the moon?! Or my blood sugar level?!"

I changed my mind at least half a dozen times, but finally ordered the french toast. When it came, it was two pieces made from challah bread and each piece was at least an inch thick. They served it with real maple syrup and real butter. I'm pretty sure I've never had such delicious french toast. Even though I was starving, I forced myself to eat a piece slowly and mindfully. I realized that I was satisfied. I had to fight with myself not to eat more because it was so yummy, but I wasn't hungry anymore. I saved the rest "to go" and ate it today for my afternoon snack.

Anyway, I didn't get hungry until 3pm. I wasn't at all tempted to eat anything when I got home from work -- wasn't really hungry and didn't have the urge to eat for other reasons, unlike most Wednesday nights. I don't know if it had anything to do with allowing myself to eat what I really wanted or not. But next time I'm going to try the french toast with carmelized bananas and peanut butter!

111!

I bowled a 111 last night -- woo hoo! Actually I bowled over my average (which is now 75) all three games. Yippee -- maybe practice does really help even hopelessly non-athletic people?

T, R, and I went out to breakfast this morning. I am always fascinated by R's eating -- she just stops when she's done. End of story. Three bites of french toast left -- so what? She's done. I, on the other hand, only ate about 1/3 of my omelet and was full (two pieces of English muffin toast also), but had to fight with myself not to eat more. I ate a few bites of R's french toast too though. On Friday night R stayed overnight with my dad and on Saturday she told me she had three donut sticks for breakfast. Oy. BUT she then didn't eat one single bite of additional food until dinner!!! Talk about intuitive eating in action....

Fighting the Food Demons

I've been fighting the food demons for three days now. I wish I could chalk it up to TOM, since I'm scheduled to start tomorrow. However, I'm afraid hormones have little to do with the little guy on my shoulder screaming "EAT! EAT! EAT!"

Friday we were supposed to meet several of T's police academy buddies and their wives/husbands at a local bar. He hadn't seen many of them for months -- even years in some cases. I was completely jittery about it for days beforehand. T went through the academy about five years later than most because he had dropped out of college for a while, not knowing what he wanted to do. I remember attending the big graduation party with him, feeling incredibly insecure. Being four years older than T, I was 10 years older than many of the kids in his class. I felt old, fat, unattractive, and totally out of place. For years after that party I avoided academy parties and weddings like the plague. It ended up contributing to a lot of tension in our marriage because T thought I just didn't care. When I finally ended up confessing to my insecurity a few years ago, T thought I was completely wacko, though he said so in a much more gentle way.

Anyway, I was so incredibly anxious all day Friday that all I wanted to do was eat all day long. I resisted for the most part, though I ended up eating way too many m&ms out of the community candy dish. I kept asking myself, "What if you just live with the anxiety? What's the worst than will happen? You'll be anxious. At least you won't be anxious AND feel horrible after bingeing!" Sooooooooooo ironically, we arrived at the bar to find that two of the three women alums who showed up are now overweight -- one larger than I am -- and some of the guys have put on some weight too. All of my dread was for absolutely nothing. We somehow got onto the topic of age -- perhaps because it's been 10 years since graduation for them -- and my age (42) came up. I could tell they were genuinely shocked that I was older than T, which boosted my ego some (though I honestly don't care about my age and readily admit it to anyone who asks). I did end up a bit too full at the bar (though I left food on my plate), but it was probably because by the time we ended up ordering I was absolutely zero on the hunger scale and wanted to eat my own fingers.

I can't believe that I built up that dinner to be such a source of dread. Let that be a lesson to me -- please!

Yesterday and today -- I'm not sure what the anxiety was all about. Yesterday I dealt okay with it all day, though I did eat a rather LARGE bowl of ice cream after dinner. Today, not so great. I didn't binge really, but I ate 3 brownies after lunch even though I wasn't hungry anymore, and then had a large piece of cake in the afternoon (not hungry). Today I guess bowling could be part of it. Ugh -- only 3 more torture sessions. They already asked us to bowl with them next year. Wahhh.

The tune changes, but the song stays the same

Yesterday was a success! For lunch I chose a smallish sub, some tortilla chips and guacamole & salsa, a piece of cake and a sliver of cheesecake. I had a small dinner, took R to her roller skating party and then out for a "kiddy cone" and went to bed happy about my food choices.

Then there was today. I went out to breakfast with my buddies, didn't order the french toast that sounded soooo good (choosing instead the veggie omelette made with Egg Beaters and only one piece of toast). I then ate my entire omelette, got very full, came home and walked the dog, made peanut butter cookies, ate 6 of them, added a piece of cake, some Cocoa Pebbles & milk, and some potato chips & dip to the damage, and feel miserable even now (three hours later).

This is the deal. I want to eat healthy foods, so I always eat lots of fruit, vegetables, lowfat protein sources, whole grains, etc. Then I end up bingeing on crappy carbs and sugar. I know, I know, I should concentrate on eating "whatever I want" FIRST and THEN worry about nutrition. I have TRIED. I'm just having difficulty DOING it. ARGH. I'm off to walk over to school and pick R up. Hopefully I won't still be stuffed by dinnertime, since we're meeting some relatives at the church fish dinner.

I came across this You Tube video on someone else's blog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA
Oh, how I wish I had her attitude!

I'm rehearsing

We have a staff potluck today -- always dangerous for mindful eating. I'm rehearsing:
--I will only eat food I really like
--I will not eat mediocre food, like the store-bought cheesecake and potato salad two coworkers brought
--I will take small portions, eat slowly and mindfully and not overeat

I'm soooo hungry already and I still have an hour until lunch. I had a small helping of the Quinoa Salad I brought, in hopes that it would tide me over, but that was an hour ago. I suppose as a true intuitive eater I should eat something now, but I don't want to eat a snack bar when I know there is yummy guacamole, fruit salad, and sub sandwiches waiting for me in 57 minutes (not that I'm counting).

Being too full is such a trigger for me -- not being stuffed, just really full. I know this, yet I still find myself overeating healthy foods at meals. Last night I realized that my salad was rather large and, sure enough, after eating it all, I was really full. That's when I gave in to the half a brownie, 100-calorie pack of hostess cupcakes (which I had stuck in the lunchroom because I didn't even LIKE them), and the handful of goldfish crackers! So my goal for the next week to to eat slowly and mindfully enough that I do not eat until I'm overfull. I did it last night when I got home (hungry, natch) and made one slice of whole wheat bread generously spread with peanut butter and a handful of Combos. I ate it very slowly and really enjoyed the creaminess of the peanut butter and didn't really enjoy the fake taste of the Combos. Then I felt somewhat guilty (natch) and grabbed a second handful of Combos. Then I told myself not to be an idiot and went upstairs to bed.

Might as well have a brownie too...

....the little voice whispered. I've avoided several binge triggers over the past few days, which makes my heart sing with happiness...or at least satisfaction. On Monday I had two Pop Tarts that had been in my locker for several days. Unfortunately, by the time I realized I was quite hungry it was almost time for me to be out at the public desk so I couldn't exactly enjoy them mindfully. I then spent the rest of the day and evening fighting the desire to say "what the heck" and eat everything in sight. I refrained and kept telling myself that two Pop Tarts does not a failure make, even eaten very quickly standing up.

Wednesdays are always a challenge for me and I almost always cave in. It's a bit of an odd day because I'm home for a few hours alone in the morning, go in to work at 11:30am (so lunch is always iffy), and then work til 8:15pm. Dinner is usually at 4:30 or 5pm, so I'm almost always very hungry by the time I get home from work. I end up eating, feeling bad because I had already eaten my "quota" for the day, and eat some more. This morning I stayed busy at home and didn't eat until I got to work. Then a coworker brought in a cake roll from a local place that usually has yummy baked goods. I tried to cut myself a smallish piece to eat with lunch, but it came out rather largish. As I started eating it, I realized that it wasn't really that great. I ate it anyway, and then so, so, so wanted to go get a brownie from the plate that another coworker had brought in for her birthday treat. However, I was quite full and I can have brownies whenever I want. I know for a fact this coworker uses mixes anyway, so a brownies would not be worth the guilt trip. So far, so good....

On the Weigh Down, Month 3 1/2

I weighed myself this morning because my dh woke early and was out of the bathroom and downstairs by 5am when I got up.

Weight: 164.2

Whoa -- I'm kind of shocked I lost 3.8 pounds! I know I said I'd write next time about what Linda Craighead says in the Appetite Awareness Workbook about bingeing, but I don't have the book in front of me. One thing she talks about though is getting over "what the heck" thinking. You know -- I already ate five cookies so I might as well eat the rest of the package. I've really been working on that because WTH thinking is a HUGE problem for me. She pointed out that calories are really cumulative. Any time you stop a binge sooner than you would have previously is a benefit to you. There really is no "starting over" tomorrow because it is magical thinking to believe that you will eat less tomorrow to make up for today. To make up for some binges you'd have to eat less for a week -- i.e. go on a diet.

So, though I've had some days when I had a small binge over the past six weeks, I remember what she's said and stopped far sooner than I would have a few months ago. There have been many days when I've actually been able to not binge even after overeating something "bad". I just keep picturing that continuum of calories. Not that I'm depriving myself. I can honestly say that there hasn't been a single day when I've purposely gone hungry to try and lose weight. I've been trying to make healthy food choices, but when I'm hungry I try to eat. Starving never gets me anywhere except standing in front of the fridge, cruising it for goodies.

I gave up Diet Coke (all soda, actually) for Lent, so it's been three weeks since I've had one. Well, actually I broke down and had one Saturday -- and then promptly developed a tremendous headache. That'll teach me.

Let it STOP snowing! & an ode to hot cereal

I swear I will never, ever complain about being hot again! We got a few more inches of snow last night and it was 4 degrees yesterday morning when I left for work. Ay-yi-yi! Saturday the roads were terribly icy and I took a spill while walking the dog, crunching my finger horribly. It looked like a big purple sausage by the time I got to work. I didn't care because I didn't hurt my leg. Re-injuring my leg is one of my biggest fears. I got such a rush of adrenaline when I fell that by the time I made it the final two blocks home I was shaking uncontrollably and felt positively nauseated. I had to eat some oatmeal before I could exercise.

Which reminds me...I never really cared for hot cereal much. I always loved cold cereal and ate nothing but Fiber One or Extra Fiber All Bran for years. Then I switched to eating dinner-type foods for breakfast but as I've whined about previously NOTHING keeps me satisfied til lunch. So when I saw some hot Oat Bran cereal, I thought I'd try it.

OMG -- I LOVE it. Then I tried Quaker Multigrain Hot Cereal, Bob's Red Mill 5-grain Hot Cereal, and some others. YUM! I only need 1-2 tsp of brown sugar to sweeten them enough for me, and have found that I love cooking some raspberries, blueberries, or bananas in with the cereal. I do like my hot cereal less dry than the directions call for, so I usually end up doubling the liquid they recommend. I use about 1/4 cup milk and the rest water. I don't know why I'm babbling on about this like anyone cares, but I just want to share my fairly newfound adoration for hot cereal.

As for the whole "recovery from eating disorder" thing, it's going okay. I stopped filling out the worksheets from the Appetite Awareness Workbook because I was managing to turn it into an obsessive thing and had a few binge-y days. I'm still following her program, however, and really like her stuff on binges. But I'll post about that next time.

...and now for something completely different

Think of this as a commercial break of sorts. I was reminded this past weekend of how very, very lucky I am to have such a great husband. I wanted to tell anyone out there who is having marriage difficulties about a program called Retrouvaille.

In the summer of 2002 I was 5 months pregnant with C and my husband T told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. I felt blindsided and completely devastated. He was miserable about it and told me he didn't want a divorce, but just wanted to fix things. We went to counseling, things seemed to improve, and by the time C was born in October, T was again telling me, "I love you". Along we went, seemingly okay, until January 2005. T was acting rather odd, but I had found out I had skin cancer on my eyelid and had to have some serious surgery, so I sort of attributed it to that. Unfortunately, two weeks after my surgery, T told me once again that he wasn't in love with me. He loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me. Part of me wanted to slap him and tell him to grow up. He seemed so incredibly miserable, however, and I felt lost. We started counseling again, but really felt as though we were treading water.

T became so unhappy that he moved out in early February. I'm pretty sure I never cried so much in my life. I completely lost my appetite and my clothes were hanging on me within weeks. My MIL, who worked for the Catholic church in their Marriage Tribunal office, gave T a pamphlet about a program called Retrouvaille. We'd never heard of it, but after looking it up online, I had hope that it might help us. I didn't really see how, but the website promised miracles. T and I were pretty much willing to try anything, so off we drove to our Retrouvaille weekend.

Let me tell you, our Retrouvaille weekend was a profoundly moving experience. We are not particularly religious -- until our daughter made her first communion, we hadn't gone to church more than a few times a year since we were teenagers. But we got a miracle that weekend. We started talking to each other in an honest way we had never done before. We truly rediscovered each other. T moved back in three months after our weekend. Today we have a “normal” marriage. We share our feelings, resentments, and daily happenings with each other. We disagree, but aren’t afraid to ask for what we need from each other. We enjoy each other’s company, socialize, and take joy in raising our daughters together. I feel as though something incredibly precious, once lost, has been found.

T -- a man who NEVER EVER wants to volunteer for anything, wanted to get involved in the Retrouvaille program after we finished. We are the registration couple for our community and we had a weekend this past week -- which is how I was reminded of what a great husband I have. Rather than giving up on his marriage and "moving on", he chose to work on saving it. We've been writing an "introduction" in preparation for presenting talks for Retrouvaille, and I was very touched by what he wrote at the end of his part of the intro:

"I finally felt she would accept me back home and when I asked, she said I could come back. I was as happy as when she said she would marry me. We continue to work on our marriage through CORE and I try to be vigilant in my efforts to keep S happy. The often say that true love comes but once in a lifetime. For me it came twice. Thanks to the miracle of Retrouvaille, it was with the same woman both times".

Isn't that the sweetest?

http://www.retrouvaille.org

On the Weigh Down -- Month 3

Weight: I have no idea. My husband was in the bathroom this morning. He actually knows pretty much what I weigh, but I still feel odd weighing myself in front of him. Besides, it was 5am and the dog was agitating to go out. I will say that I'm pretty sure my weight is about the same.

I had some really good days and some really bad days over the past two weeks. I veered between restricting and bingeing and just plain overeating. I finally decided that I needed to go back the The Appetite Awareness Workbook by Linda Craighead and actually DO the exercises, rather than simply reading them and nodding my head at how sensible they are.

The first step is to monitor your appetite. Each day you try to eat three meals and two snacks, eating whatever you want but stopping when you are moderately full. The idea is not to get too hungry because it is then very difficult to eat mindfully and stop when moderately full, so you eat when you feel moderately hungry. You record not what you ate, but how hungry you were when you started, when you finshed, whether or not you ate mindfully, and whether you felt any positive or negative feelings about your eating.

It has been interesting tome to see how OFTEN my feelings about what I ate are negative! It's also been very difficult for me to eat when moderately hungry. Sometimes my schedule doesn't allow it and I'm STARVING by the time lunch arrives. More often, however, I'm attempting to wait because I feel that I am hungry "too soon" after eating. I can totally see how this kind of behavior leads to overeating at the next meal, even if I overeat vegetables. I'm so hungry that I look around for what else I might eat after finishing my lunch, even though my tummy is rather full.

It has been rather freeing to eat whatever I want, but quite scary. I have so many black and white and should/shouldn't thoughts about it. It is definitely the case that recording this way is much less binge-inducing than keeping track of WHAT I'm eating or how many calories I'm eating. When my automatic calculator pops on, I immediately try to shut it off.

On another topic, I went shopping this morning, which was not very fun. I was looking for a top to wear to a party we're going to on St Patrick's Day -- something maybe a bit sexier than the mostly dull sweaters in my closet (that now fit me -- my sexy sweaters are rather...tight). I tried on about ten tops and bought one. As is the case every single time I go shopping, I get into the dressing room and flash back to the day I finally decided that my size 10s were falling off me and I needed some new clothes (this was spring or early summer 2004). I had an absolutely delightful time buying a raft of new capris, pants, and tops. I actually sank to the dressing room floor and broke down in tears when I found that size 6 after size 6 fit me absolutely perfectly, and I kept having to return the mediums for smalls. I had never in my life worn a size 6 and I was thrilled beyond belief.

Does it make me incredibly shallow that I loved, adored, and cherished being a size 6? No, it didn't solve any of the problems in my life, but I had one less problem since I wasn't self-conscious about my body every time I went out in public. I didn't constantly remind myself to suck in my stomach. Everything in my closet fit -- and more importantly -- looked just fine on me. I didn't have to wonder if my butt looked big or my arms looked flabby. People say that losing weight won't REALLY change your life. People lie.

Okay, yes, two in one day

I already posted this morning, but it was rather negative, and some good things have happened over the past two weeks also. My older dd has shown some interest in cooking -- finally. Of course, the first few things she wanted to make were -- natch -- desserts. My heart fell to about the level of my shoes when she wanted to make Hot Milk Cake last week. However, being the supportive mum that I am, I assisted with the cake on Thursday and it turned out rather well. I had only a couple of pieces last week, and it wasn't actually gone until Saturday (it was 8x8), when C ate the final, rather stale, piece. Then she wanted to make brownies. Then Lemon Dainties (my all-time favorite cookie made at Christmas by my mother). Oy, the torture.

I did okay -- better than okay, I'd say. I never ate more than two (tiny) brownies in one day, and I think I even skipped a day somewhere in there. I just kept telling myself, "You are not dieting. You are not going to diet. You can make brownies every single day if you want to. You can eat brownies whenever you want. Brownies are not special or forbidden...", etc. I had many fleeting "diety" thoughts, but banished them to the frozen tundra outside.

We went out to eat on Saturday after attending the golf show downtown (I am so excited -- I bought red golf shoes!). I ordered a burger, fries, and a chocolate shake (made with REAL Breyer's ice cream, no less). I very slowly and mindfully ate my burger and skipped most of my fries. They weren't that great -- and I can eat fries whenever I want, right? Of course, in all honesty, I must confess to eating at least a dozen of R's onion rings, but I did share my shake with her. If I had truly eaten mindfully, I'd have stopped sooner because I was quite full by the time we finished. The dog had a longer than normal walk that evening.

I'm excited to try golfing again. I golfed twice with DH -- then broke my leg into 40+ pieces. That was 18 months ago, and I'm hoping this summer I'll be able to give it another go. DH said I actually "wasn't bad" when we went before. Not bad is high praise for someone who bowled a 30 a few weeks ago at our bowling league. Yes, a 30. My average *was* 68, but something tells me it is going down after that performance. Oh well, my handicap will only get better. I wonder if there's an upper limit on handicaps?

It's 10:45am and I'm not hungry!

You have no idea how odd that is. As I've whinged about previously, no matter what I eat for breakfast, I'm starving by 9am. My 9-year-old dd wanted some gigantic cinnamon-raisin bagels this week and I bought them, cringing at the 290-calorie count of each. They did have 10 grams of protein each, so I figured they weren't all bad. I ate one this morning with some peanut butter (sassing the diet police the entire time). Oh man, was it good! I hadn't had a bagel in months. So with the pb and the cream in my coffee, I probably ate a 500-calorie breakfast. I usually eat a 300-350 calorie breakfast and then find myself needing a 200-calorie snack at 10am. So, I ate a bagel (which I thoroughly enjoyed) and use the same amount of calories. Woo hoo...though I do still have 2 hours until lunch.

Anyway, I've had an odd couple of weeks. I had a bad binge and felt that old desperate feeling that I will never be normal around food. I swear -- for years I've waffled back and forth about whether I can truly live in our food-laden world without weighing 170 lbs or whether I have to restrict and go hungry to lose weight. I guess I still don't know the answer, but I'm tired of the whole damn thing. I feel like a failure for being overweight, yet I know that my friends and family love me whether I'm a size 10 or a size 6. I just wish I could love me as a size 10.

On the Weigh Down, Month Two

Weight: 168 -- loss of 1.2 pounds

I'm actually rather pleased -- I was scared to get on the scale. I think it would have been a lower number 10 days ago, but I sort of freaked out starting then. Up until then I was feeling pretty relaxed -- eating healthfully, not letting myself get too hungry, eating only until satisfied, etc. I was exercising but not obsessively, and resting when I needed to rest.

Then I started that old familiar dance -- dreaming about what life would be like when I was thin again, stressing about whether or not I ate too much on a particular day, serving myself tiny servings at dinner, getting upset that I didn't walk as many steps as I had the day before, typing my food intake into fitday.com "just to check" and see how many calories I'd eaten, going to bed a bit hungry, spending too much time thinking about food and what I'd eat the next day, not lying down when I needed some rest because I had "too much to do". I was also not getting enough sleep -- getting up at 5am to walk the dog and exercise, and being awakened every single night by T's coughing or C's coughing, or C needing water or C needing her covers on or C having a bad dream....

On January 20, I fought the urge to binge from 2pm until bedtime. I was starving all day on the 21st, but didn't allow myself to eat more than I had planned to eat that day. I ate past satisfaction at lunch and dinner on the 23rd. Finally yesterday I had a binge unlike any I've had for months. It was awful. I was so tired and wanted to take a nap so badly. I'd only had a few hours of sleep between T's coughing fits every 15 minutes and C having the worst diarrhea at 11:45pm (took me 45 minutes to clean her, the bed, the floor, etc). I got off work early because I work tomorrow, but had to wait til MIL brought C home before resting. She didn't come, and didn't come, and didn't come. I finally decided to lay down anyway. I was asleep for 5-10 minutes when the phone rang. It was MIL telling me they'd be there in "a while". I couldn't fall back asleep, went downstairs, and that was all she wrote. By the time they actually got there, I was feeling rather sick.

I took R to her Girl Scout meeting, skipping dinner because (duh) I wasn't hungry. By the time we finished at 8:15pm, I was hungry and R was "famished". We went to McDonald's and I got a double cheeseburger, fries, and an ice cream cone. To be honest, the fries weren't nearly as good as I remembered them being (it's been many months since I've had them), but that didn't stop me from eating almost all of them. I was really, really full (even when I get a meal there, it's usually a kids' meal), but ate two chocolate chip cookies when I got home. I had trouble sleeping because I felt so crummy.

So....no more counting calories for me. No more trying to stay hungry "just a while while longer" before eating. No more forcing myself to go on and on like the Energizer bunny. No more.

Recovery

Anonymous asked me for some book titles in the comments for my last post. I've read soooo many and this process has been reallllly long, but there are a few that have stood out for me as being the most helpful. I think the very first one I read was Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole. It made so much sense to me and I was able to follow its principles for a while, but eventually fell back into my old habits. For me, this is not so much about giving up dieting, but about giving up the cycle of deprivation and bingeing, so IE didn't quite do the whole trick for me.

I read many of Geneen Roth's books, which had me nodding my head a lot, but didn't really give me any specifics on how to go about healing myself. However, I think everyone who eats for emotional reasons should read her book Breaking Free From Emotional Eating.

I had a class that used the book Thoughts & Feelings: taking control of your moods and your life. Working through that book helped me clarify much of my destructive thinking and started me down the road to healing.

French Toast for Breakfast by Mary Anne Cohen was fantastic. For the first time I didn't feel like a failure because I couldn't seem to live surrounded by crappy food and not eat it.

Other books that helped me along the way were:
It's Not About Food: change your mind; change your life by Carol Emery Normandi
The Rules of "Normal" Eating by Karen R Koenig
The Appetite Awareness Workbook by Linda R Craighead
Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink

I think the reality is that you can read and read and read, but not get anywhere if you don't act. I started actually *doing* the exercises in the books and workbooks, which helped me uncover feelings and reasons behind my actions that had always been a mystery to me. I started actually trying to stop myself from bingeing rather than feeling helpless in the face of a seemingly overwhelming desire to eat, eat, eat.

In the past I usually tried to wait as long as I possibly could before eating lunch or a snack, thinking that the longer I waited, the less food I'd eat over the course of the day. I came to realize that waiting until I was positively ravenous before eating did not result in weight loss so much as in the consumption of way too many carbohydrates from bread, cereal, grains, and junk food. My body was screaming to be fed and the reason I was craving cookies or potato chips had less to do with uncontrollable cravings than with the simple fact that I had waited too long to eat. My body was smarter than I -- and knew that cookies would provide the quick energy my cells needed faster than an apple. These past few weeks I have fed myself when hungry -- with nutritious, nourishing food. I have not felt any overwhelming craving for anything. Maybe it's coincidence and tomorrow I'll get that old familiar urge to binge away my boredom, stress, or exhaustion. All I can do is wait and see.

Impulse Control

I have realized recently that I am a very impulsive eater -- very subject to suggestion and the appearance of food. I am no longer the type of binger who would get into my car and drive somewhere to get food to binge on. I used to be the girl driving to Dunkin' Donuts, getting a dozen donuts, and eating part of every single one til I felt sick. I used to drive to the grocery store and fill my cart with all of my favorite binge foods, drive home, and eat as much as I could. Then I'd throw the rest away, vowing to diet the next day. I'm not sure what changed. I haven't done that for many, many years. I don't even every have the urge to buy anything from the vending machine at work.

If the food is readily available, though, I have a tendency to eat it. I tried to legalize ice cream by having it in my freezer all the time for an entire year. I just ended up eating ice cream every day. It never lost its allure for me! If others are eating a snack or a meal, I have the fight the urge to join in, hungry or not. If someone offers me food, I take it almost every time, even if it's something I don't particularly like. If my dh makes popcorn, I immediately want some, hungry or not. If I see that someone has brought in cinnamon rolls to work, my hand starts to reach for one before my brain kicks in to say, "Um...excuse me? White bread, sugar, and fat -- do you REALLY want to eat that?" Sometimes the answer is yes -- most of the time, no. It's partially habit I think. I've been doing it for so many years, it's automatic. So lately I've been practicing saying "no", which is ridiculously difficult. I've so far been able to tell dh "no" every time he's made popcorn in the past couple of weeks. I like popcorn well enough, but don't crave it too often -- and I'm not hungry when he makes it (after dinner). I have not eaten any of the treats at work for the past couple of weeks -- store bought cookies and candy aren't all that exciting anyway. Well -- I take that back -- I did eat that cinnamon roll. But it was homemade and I ate it with my lunch to blunt the sugar rush. It feels good to say "no" when I don't really want whatever is offered. Now the next thing to work on is saying "no" when people directly offer me food -- or taking it but only eating a bite or two. I haven't had the opportunity to try that one out yet.

Things are going quite well for the new me in the new year. I haven't binged since I put all of my new plans into place December 27. I've had a few binge-y moments, but was able to talk myself down before doing too much damage. The worst was the day I ate two packages of 100-calorie Lorna Doones and a small bowl of granola and milk. Not too shabby. I think listening to my meditation CD might be helping me, as well as taking walks with the dog twice a day. I used to walk only with a book on CD, but now I just walk and let my mind wander. I think my brain likes the rest. I think I might have lost a pound or two -- my pants seem a teeny bit looser. I'm resisting getting on the scale until the 27th, however.

Walkin' the Dog

If anyone out there in cyberland has difficulty forcing herself to exercise, get a dog! "Santa" brought R a Jack Russell Terror --er, Terrier four weeks ago and I have walked more in that four weeks than I have in months. To be honest, I was avoiding walking as exercise because it hurt my knee even a month ago when I took a long walk on my scrapbooking weekend. But since getting Princess I've been getting 11,000-14,000 steps on my pedometer every day (in addition to my regular stationery bike/elliptical exercise) and my knee is okay. I got shin splints at first, but they're better after a few days of walking in the grass alongside the road, instead of on the pavement. I did step in dog doo at 6:30am this morning, however. Ick.

On the Weigh Down month one

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."."~ M. Scott Peck

Weight: 169.2

Not bad -- almost what I weighed on halloween, which is the last time I stepped on the scale. I was especially pleased considering the number of cookies I ate over the past ten days. I don't want to "give up" on intuitive eating, but I have realized that constanly being surrounded by food that is unhealthy is not any way to "cure" my eating issues. As I wrote in my previous post, I have a definite problem with variety. I am not going to go on a diet, but am going to renew my efforts to resist bingeing or eating just for the sake of eating.

I sat down and really tried to think through what I need. I started listening to the book "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck. It's not a diet book, but a book on how to add joy to your life and find that elusive thing that's been missing. I've felt that "something is missing" feeling for a while now. Her first assignment is to spend 15 minutes a day doing nothing. I immediately thought, "Oh yea, right." But I listened on and realized that I've known I need more time to relax and do nothing, but have always resisted, feeling that I'm wasting time. So yesterday I hauled out my meditation CD (the one I bought in September and never opened), set the timer for 20 minutes, and listened. Section one was affirmations and section two was breathing. I was so relaxed I'm pretty sure I fell asleep. You have no idea how unusual that is for me -- the person who didn't even nap when pregnant. After the timer went off, I felt relaxed and wonderful for the rest of the day! I had no desire to compulsively eat anything all afternoon. At dinner (at my aunt Sue's house -- aunt Sue is the most fabulous cook in the universe!!) I didn't overeat. I ate three cookies, but for the first time in ages I didn't have to fight the urge to eat more, more, more when I got home. Today I listened to the CD for 15 minutes during the afternoon. I felt great when I finished.

So, at least 15 minutes of meditation is definitely on the list of what I need. I also think I need to stop being the food provider for my kids. I am turning into a food pusher -- I ask them what they want for breakfast the minute they awaken, I announce that it's lunchtime at the stroke of noon, I offer snacks, I ask if they want dessert, etc. I get stressed out when they don't eat everything I give them. I need to STOP. I will let them ask me for lunch when they're hungry -- or better yet, ask T.

I also would like to stop being the person who puts the leftovers away after dinner. T can do it. When I put them away, I end up eating more at least half of the time.

I no longer want to be the person who brings dessert to every freaking family gathering. Either that or I will start making desserts I'm not all that crazy for, or make something that isn't easy to snitch from, or at the very least make ONE dessert, not three.

I've been doing fine with exercise, so I will keep that up. The one thing I want to increase is weight training, which has fallen by the wayside since my gym issues. I will also continue to eat lots of veggies, fruits, whole grains, etc., avoid diet soda, and I'm toying with cutting out caffeine. I'm down to 1 cup of half-caf coffee per day now. I'd love to switch to green tea, and eventually decaf green tea.

I plan to weigh myself once a month and add in more changes as I go along.

wanting the biggest piece

Do you think some people are hard-wired to be greedier than others? I was reading "Mindless Eating" by Brian Wansink (quite fascinating BTW) and he found that overweight people ate more than other people in his experiments. Whether it was a never-ending soup bowl, a dish of ice cream, m&ms, or stale popcorn -- the overweight ate more than normal weight people (who also overate when faced with larger portions). Were they hungrier or were they just...greedier? As far back as I can remember I have always coveted the largest cookie, the largest piece of cake, the dish with the most pudding in it. It used to be that I'd make sure I was first in line at any buffet -- to make sure I got the food I wanted. I'd feel slightly gypped if the waitress gave the person next to me the plate that had more fries on it. I tried to get the corner piece of cake -- because it had more frosting -- well, unless the corner piece was smaller than the others. As a kid I remember eating so much at buffets -- especially desserts -- that I felt sick.

These days I still want the biggest cookie, but I hang back for the buffet line -- hoping that some of the good food is gone and I won't have to wrestle with my desire to eat some of everything. Wantsink found that people ate more when there was a variety -- even if the variety was m&ms that were all exactly the same save for color. I am definitely a variety victim. When I had tea in London, I cut all of the cakes in half so I could taste all four or five kinds. The women with me each had 1 or 2 cakes; the end. They didn't seem to feel any compulsion to taste everything available. Lately coworkers and customers have been bringing in huge platters of various kinds of cookies for us. I look at the platter with 12 different homemade goodies on it and flee. I have the same problem with menus -- I want one of everything. I agonize -- should I have the burger or a sandwich? the pancakes or an omelet? the fries or the onion rings?

I think this is really the root of my issues with food. How can I overcome my greed? Is it partially fear? I'll never have this cookie or this cake ever again! I'll never come to this restaurant again and even if I do, they may not serve this sandwich anymore! Tis true that there are ALWAYS more delicious cookies in the world and there are ALWAYS fabulous sandwiches. How can I convince myself of this truth and overcome my natural greed? I worry about finding the answer -- not just for me, but for my 9-year-old daughter. She is a skinny little thing right now, but I watched her eat five desserts at her sister's Christmas program. God forbid that my legacy to her is a lifetime of food and weight torture.

building new neural pathways...

Yesterday I had to leave work early to pick up my 9-year-old, who had a fever. It upset my planned out day and (natch) made me want to eat. I took the dog for a walk, ate my tuna and salad for lunch, and went on to make a cake my coworkers have been after me to make for them for a few weeks (I am the baker extraordinaire at work). In spite of having baked it for 15 minutes longer than the recipe said, when I took it out of the bundt pan it stuck to the pan and parts of it stayed behind.

I scraped out the parts and they looked mighty tasty. I tasted --mmmmm....chocolatey warm goodness, with lovely melted chocolate bits. I thought, OOhh..this would be so good with ice cream. I got out the ice cream, dished up a bit, and dug in. It wasn't as good as I had imagined. I thought, "I'll eat the whole thing standing here and then I'll eat the rest of the stuck cake." Then I thought, "Wait a minute, missy. You aren't the slightest bit hungry and this doesn't taste as heavenly as you thought it would. What's really going on?" I realized that I was frustrated over being home with a sick child, and was upset that the cake hadn't turned out perfectly, thus risking my fab baking reputation. I dumped everything down the sink and went on to make cookies for my daughter's school holiday program. I was fine -- ate one cookie and moved on with life.

Yea me!

Dimishing Returns

The Law of Diminishing Returns: "When someone bites into something delicious for the first time they have an amazing experience. However, by the 4th or 5th bite they're already bored no matter how wonderful the initial impression was of the dish." (from a cookbook -- can't remember which one)

Now, if only I had remembered that when it came to the pumpkin upside down cake I made for Thanksgiving. I was oh-so-sensible about the meal, eating tiny portions of the things I loved and skipping the rest. I was pretty darn full anyway. I wish I had skipped dessert and waited until I was not so full, but my MIL was dishing up and I chowed down with the rest. It was good, but would have been better had I waited until I actually felt a pang of hunger. I managed to foist off most of the leftovers on guests, but took home about 8 portions. I had one on Thursday night in lieu of dinner, two on Friday, two on Saturday, and the rest on Sunday. I guess the bright side is that I didn't eat it all on Friday!

In future when eating something fantastic (or not so fantastic) I will try to keep in mind the law of diminishing returns.

Our elliptical machine was delivered today -- I can't wait to try it out tomorrow! Though I will say that I think using the stationary bike 5-6 days a week has built up some muscle in my legs that wasn't there when I was switching between the gym's elliptical and the bike at home. I can get nearly to 80 rpm on the bike at level 3 for 45 minutes now. I was nowhere near that 3 months ago.

food labels

http://www.diet-blog.com/archives/2006/11/24/food_labels_inaccurate.php

This is why I think programs like Weight Watchers or other calorie-counting programs aren't the greatest. I tend to think "Ohhh..I have four points left (or 200 calories)! What else can I eat?" whether I'm actually hungry or not. If the labels aren't correct on products, I may not actually have four points left. We bought some subs for a school fundraiser and on the label the sub was one serving for 350 calories. It looked awfully large to me to have so few calories, especially since it had on it salami, ham, and cheese. A serving size was one sub, __ number of grams (can't remember how many). I got out my food scale and weighed it. That sub was more than 1 1/4 servings according to the weight. If I had been counting calories, I'd have been over by more than a tiny bit.

It makes so, so much more sense to me to simply eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Most of my choices are healthy ones and I don't have to be afraid of holiday meals -- or any meals.

another lesson learned

So, I went 10 days without bingeing or even overeating. I was hungry some of the time, but usually ate when I was hungry. I practiced leaving the dining room/kitchen after dinner so that I wasn't tempted to entertain or distract myself with food. Yea, me. I also talked myself out of eating just because I was procrastinating or bored. I had "last supper thoughts" several times, but told myself not to be ridiculous. So far, so good.

I went off to a scrapbooking weekend and learned another valuable lesson: food doesn't help you be less tired and cranky. This particular weekend is a yearly thing for me and is always a major food-fest because every woman brings a snack to share with the group. The organizer's mom always brings a decadent thing that consists of pretzels, m&ms, and Chex cereal covered with white chocolate and I usually make myself sick on it. So this year I told myself "You are a normal eater. You eat when hungry. You stop when satisfied"...you know the drill. Friday night I ate a very small dinner and was fine. I got hungry around 11 and had a small bowl of snacks -- okay. I even discovered that I don't really like the decadent snack all that much (!)

Saturday I ate small meals, skipped the snacks -- all was well! Wheeee..... Then I got really tired and rather cranky around 10pm (3 hours of sleep the night before will do that to you). I started eating and probably ate about 2000 calories worth of junk food. It didn't help -- I was still tired and cranky. So....lesson definitely learned. When tired, go to sleep!!!! Duh.

hunger

Do you think "normal" eaters spend a lot of time hungry? I've done well this past week with normal eating -- no overeating, no bingeing. But I've spend a lot of time hungry. No matter what I eat for breakfast at 7am (and I've tried it all, from oatmeal to peanut butter toast to frozen South Beach pizzas!), I'm hungry by 10am and positively ravenous by noon. My lunch is usually at 1pm so I almost always eat some sort of snack around 11, but it doesn't usually do much for me. After lunch I'm okay for a few hours, but I'm almost always ravenous again by 5pm. It seems ridiculous. What in the heck do normal people eat that they're not constantly dwelling on how hungry they are?

ineffective coping skills

I didn't weigh myself this morning. Part of it was fear about what I'd see after having a bingey evening on Monday. But I'm also tired of having my mood dictated by the scale. I'm going to see how long I can hold off on weighing myself. I think (unless you count the time I was bedridden 16 months ago) the longest I've ever gone is 3 weeks or so.

At our CORE meeting Saturday, we were working through one of the steps in the 12-step marriage book (it's not as weird as it sounds), and I copied down something that struck me. It said "ineffective coping skills are a learned behavior. What is learned can be unlearned -- it is not a part of me or my character". It gave me new hope -- what is learned can be unlearned. Being a binge or compulsive eater is not part of me or my character.

It also went on to say that continuing in your coping behavior just means that your instincts are misdirected toward the fulfillment of needs you have as a human being. Acceptance of the underlying needs within you that are not being met is what brings transformation. Devising a more enlightened reasonable plan for dealing with your needs is the answer. The rule is that you take 100% responsibility for your behaviors.

So, what are the underlying needs not being met in me?

I am Pavlov's Dog

Tuesday weigh-in: 168.6
Not too bad, considering the three birthday parties I went to this week. Though I confess, I thought I was doing really well not overeating at all. On C's birthday she requested pizza. Knowing I'd want cake & ice cream I ate one piece of pizza, 3/4 of a pear, and about 3/4 cup of butternut squash. I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty or stuffed after eating it either.

As to the title of my post? I have realized over the past couple of weeks as I journal my food and any "lessons learned" that day that I have become so completely entrenched in a diet mentality, it is practically impossible for me to either overeat or eat anything unhealthy without feeling guilt. Whenever I finish a meal (even a salad) and feel quite full, or eat a small dish of ice cream, or eat one Hershey's kiss that I hadn't really planned to have, I have such strong feelings of wanting to eat more and start over tomorrow (the so-called "last supper" syndrome known to many a dieter), it's unbelievable. Thoughts of "what else can I eat" or "what the heck -- I might as well eat ______ now" just pop into my head, totally unbidden. I noted such feelings in my journal this past week almost every single day.

This may be the first time that I was able to overcome them so often. I told myself over and over again that I am the only person who can put food -- or not put food -- into my mouth. I can eat any food I want whenever I am hungry. When I am not hungry, there is absolutely no reason to eat. Not that I haven't told myself that before (see multitude of previous postings), but this week I actually listened to myself. Perhaps eventually I will be able to short-circuit Pavlov's training.

Can One be Fit and Fat?

Tuesday weigh-in -- 168.8. Perhaps I should change it to a Thursday weigh-in since I never seem to get around to writing until Thursday!

There seems to be a lot of arguing about whether someone can be fit and fat at the same time. Personally, I don't think one can -- at least I can't. Two years ago at my lowest weight I was super energy woman. I rarely got out of breath climbing anything, couldn't sit still, and rarely felt tired. True that I am now not quite as aerobically fit as I was then. I now do the elliptical machine for about 45 minutes 2-3 times a week (at level 5 or higher, ramp 8 or higher), ride the stationary bike at a good clip (level 3 or 4) for 30-45 minutes 2-3 times a week, and sometimes ride my "real" bike. Back then I did 35-60 minutes of step aerobics 5-6 times a week, walked 10,000 steps or more every day (though not at a fast clip or anything), and rode my bike once a week.

Anyway, I now weigh 25 or so pounds more than I did then and there is a big difference in my fitness. I huff and puff if I walk up more than two flights of stairs, I'm tired by the end of the day, and sometimes getting out of my chair seems like more effort than it's worth. This last could be due to the pain in my knee more than my level of fitness, but I digress. The huffing and puffing is really what bothers me. I feel like a giant lumbering up the stairs when I used to feel like a sprite who practically ran up the stairs. I spite of the fact that I exercise at least twice as much as most people I know, I feel very out of shape and hardly fit.

Lesson learned?

Tuesday weigh-in: 168.8
I'd be upset except that it is TOM, so perhaps that's why the gain -- hoping, anyway. My eating has been on a pretty even keel for the past week -- I think I only overate one day and it wasn't horrible.

Sometimes I wonder how many times I have to learn a lesson before it sticks. I KNOW that I shouldn't try to "eat around" what I really want, yet I keep doing it.

Last night I finished a very small dinner (bit of chicken breast, one roll, and veggies) and was fine -- not hungry, not particularly full. I had bought ice cream earlier in the day and was thinking perhaps I'd have a small dish of it after putting together the dessert for tomorrow's potluck. Then I kept trying to talk myself out of it because I wasn't physically hungry.

I ended up eating some yogurt, a small brownie, and three "pretzel with Hershey kiss and m&m" thingies before I finally caved and had ice cream. I didn't eat much but felt uncomfortably full after I finished. The only upside is that I didn't give in to further eating and have a big ole binge.

Sigh...lesson learned...again.

I learned that my gym had been bought out and I could pay $99 and have the rest of my contract with Powerhouse plus 6 months. Okay...sounds awfully too good to be true, but I signed away merrily. Apparently they will re-open in a few weeks, but in the meantime I can use a gym about 10 minutes away. I went this morning and had time only for 50 minutes on the elliptical (manual level 5, ramp level 11). My knee hurt -- still does. Blech. Maybe the bike is better than the elliptical for it -- though it used to be the opposite.

Ahhh...Saturday!

Well, soccer should be fun after the snow and freezing weather we've had this week. Ugh. T and I went out last night for the first date we've had in a while. We went to a newish restaurant that serves English food. It's rather a mix of Indian and British food, actually. Nice atmosphere and tons and tons of microbrews. T got a burger with Stilton cheese and fries and I got an Indian vegetable stew in a bread bowl. I also ordered fries but cancelled my order, realizing I'd really be too full. The stew was quite a small portion and I ate probably half the bread bowl. I was pleasantly full, but wanted cheesecake. I ordered it to go -- a first for me. I ate a few bites, but saved the rest for later. We went downtown to the symphony -- Bugs Bunny on Broadway. It was pretty good, but we were both yawning terribly. Friday night is NOT a good night for us to be up later than 10pm. I was rather hungry when we got home and polished off my cheesecake. I enjoyed it so much more than if I'd stuffed it in at dinnertime. Must remember -- can order dessert to go!! Though in all truth, I spent a bit too much time dreaming about my waiting cheesecake at the concert. If I'd eaten it, would I have spent that same time obessessing about how I shouldn't have eaten it?

My SIL called to say that the gym is reopening with new owners. I'm glad I hadn't paid a big chunk of money upfront. Apparently I can pay $150 and they'll honor the rest of my contract. Hmmm...I'll have to go check it out because I'm getting sick of my stationary bike.

Tuesday weigh-in

Okay, I know it's not Tuesday, but I haven't been here. Weigh in was 168.4. So far my plan is going well. I couldn't really leave the table Tuesday night because dad was there eating with us, but I limited myself to half a chocolate bar and a decaf coffee. Last night I worked, so no probs there. I was hungry when I got home, but had planned and eaten smallish amounts during the day so had a small bowl of cereal & milk and a banana with a smear of peanut butter. It was enough to take the edge off my hunger so I didn't have trouble sleeping. I had brief thoughts of "I'll lose weight faster if I don't eat" but told myself that dumb thoughts like that lead to bingeing and I know that perfectly well!

Square One

What doesn't work:
dieting/starving/putting off my hunger
counting calories in any way, shape, or form
focusing on weight loss

What does work:
who knows?

So, here I am at square one. I am determined to have a normal relationship with food and exercise. I think I will have to start small and see what works, rather than drafting a grand action plan (that one way back there in the archives that failed miserably).

So, here is where I'll start:
1) exercise 3-6 days a week (which I've been doing faithfully. It may be a bit more difficult now that the !#*$%^ gym went out of business while I was in Ireland!) I think I'm going to break down and join the YMCA. It's freaking expensive ($90 a month for a family membership) but they have daycare and the kids could come with me to use the pool.
2) log my food, but not obsessively. Just jot down at the end of the day what I can remember eating so that I might be able to see some patterns and feel some sense of control.
3) weigh myself every week, on Tuesday. I debate the wisdom of this, but if it starts freaking me out, I'll quit. I just feel as though it's easier for me to pretend I'm not growing out of my size 10/12 pants if I don't see that I weigh 170.4 (last week).
4) my one real "action" will be this -- every evening as soon as dinner is done, I will get up and leave the dining room. I will either go for a short walk, go downstairs to work on organizing or read teh paper, or go upstairs to get ready for bed. I will not sit in the dining room or at the kitchen bar until I can't resist the urge to eat, even without feeling one pang of hunger.

back to reality

Vacation is over and boy, did it fly by! We arrived in Shannon on Wednesday morning, picked up our rental car, and headed north along the coast. I don't know if it was the flight time or the fact that I really tried hard to sleep a bit on the plane, but my jet lag wasn't nearly as awful as when we went to Europe in the spring. Anyway, our first stop was for lunch -- can't remember where. I had scrambled eggs and the most delish brown bread with strawberry jam. Our next stop was Milltown Malbay, where T's family came from. We found a bakery with the family name and stopped in to chat. T went to the Irish-looking woman to ask if the owner was around and she promptly pointed to the asian woman! LOL -- so much for stereotyping. She was married to the John Hanrahan who owned the bakery but they don't think it's any relation to T's family. We bought some stuff, which turned out to be dry and disappointing.

On down the road to the Cliffs of Moher, which were absolutely breathtaking. I was going to hang around in the gift shop because it was pouring and I was nervous about my footing, but it stopped raining and I hiked up there to meet T. I'm so glad I did -- it was a fabulous view. We drove on to Knock and stopped at the shrine there, more for T to have a chance to wake up a bit than anything else. We arrived in Sligo a bit after 7 and ran into the Morrissey clan in the parking lot of the B&B. We all drove downtown to dine at a terrific restaurant over a pub. T and I split a steak and it was tender, juicy, and delicious! I am not normally a steak fan, but this was great. We collapsed into bed and slept soundly til morning.

The B&B served a full Irish breakfast -- eggs, canadian bacon, sausage, grilled tomatoes, grilled mushrooms, brown bread, toast, coffee, muesli, yogurt....needless to say I was stuffed until mid afternoon. T headed out the the links with "the boys" and I went into northern Ireland with Ellen and family. We went to the Beleek factory to see how Beleek is made. It was very interesting, and I bought a Christmas tree ornament to bring home. We stopped somewhere for lunch at a local place recommended by a woman on the street. I had shepherd's pie, which was quite good. We got back into Sligo just in time to head to Ballymote for the rehearsal.

T and I found out what piece we were reading at the wedding and the rehearsal went swimmingly. The priest was a very funny guy. We all zipped over to the castle for the rehearsal dinner, which was a cookout. I was quite chilly and spent the evening huddled under the outdoor heater, so I'm sorry to say I didn't socialize much. I was also far from the food, but unfortunately directly next to the dessert. It was an Irish concoction of bananas, caramel, and graham cracker crumbs with real cream for the top. Whoa -- Kim and I each had two helpings.

The next morning we again ate a large brekkie and headed to the castle to check in. It was really wonderful and we kept pinching ourselves. We were fascinated with everything from the HUGE fireplace in the lobby to the 1-foot wide staircase leading to the roof (which were probably weren't supposed to actually use). Our room was at the top of a turret -- how cool is that? We drove into town for shopping. There wasn't really much shopping to be had, however, and all I bought was the most expensive hair dryer I've ever owned in my life (I had brought the one with me that DIDN'T have the right voltage for Europe). Oh well, we'll simply have to travel back to Europe often.

We skipped lunch, but when we got back to the castle, they were serving sandwiches and tea, so we chowed a bit and got ready for the wedding. A&P had rented two buses to take guests to the church, so we had it easy. The wedding was really, really nice. It was a mixture of American, English, and Irish tradition and was just lovely. A&P looked as though they were having a ball too. After the wedding we headed back to the castle, ate a bunch of cookies, posed for photos, and headed into dinner. The food was terrific, followed by some funny speeches, and then dancing. We spent quite a bit of time in the bar, away from the dancing, but when a band arrived to play traditional Irish music, we went in to watch. They had some great dancers and it was highly entertaining. T joined in a dance that was similar to the Virginia Reel. "Afters" were served at 11pm (sandwiches) and that was about when the second band arrived. We stayed for an hour or so more, but went up to bed shortly after midnight. The last person left at 4am!

The next morning we again ate a huge breakfast, checked out, and headed to Dublin. We didn't really stop anywhere along the way and arrived in late afternoon. After checking in, a bunch of family met in the bar for a snack before going to rest a bit. We decided to head out to the Abbey Tavern to hear some music and see some traditional dancing, so had dinner in the hotel bar first. We had a good time at the Abbey, though the dancers only did about five songs and we were in the back. The music was toe-tappingly fun though.

The next day we went into Dublin on the train and saw the Guiness storehouse, lunched at a pub, and went to Trinity College to see the Book of Kells. It was very impressive -- beautiful! When we got back to the hotel, P was waiting to take us to dinner in Malahide at a Thai restaurant. We got a bunch of different dishes and shared them -- all were great. We went 'round the corner to have a pint at a pub there, and then fell into bed.

On our last day, we just ate a huge breakfast (natch), and walked down to the beach. We grabbed a cab to the airport and jetted off, arriving home this morning at 2am. I should be tired enough to sleep early tonight!

We had a really lovely time, but I will confess that my experience was marred a bit by my eating. I feel sad to confess that. I'm beginning to feel a bit hopeless -- that my whole life my eating will be out of control. I started out well, eating just til full, not overeating, etc. I even threw away my entire eclair from the bakery in Milltown Malbay because it wasn't really very good. Somehow, though, as our vacation went on, my eating got worse and worse. Yesterday was the absolute nadir of horrid eating -- I felt stuffed after breakfast because I ate so much. I didn't eat again til we were on the plane (oh, well unless you include the orange chocolate chip cookie and two Bailey's Irish Creme chocolates I ate) and then I had a healthy meal of salmon, veggies, rice, a roll, cheese, and a cracker. We got off the plane and ate during our layover. I was hungry, though not terribly so, but managed to stuff down a GIGANTIC (1/2 lb?) burger and fries. The burger alone probably had 1200 calories, as it had bacon, bbq sauce, bleu cheese...need I say more? I was really, really full.

And we're off!...or are we?

Today we leave for six days in Ireland. A & P's wedding is Friday in a castle in Sligo. We're going to stay overnight in the castle the night of the wedding, but otherwise we're staying at B&Bs, either in Sligo or Dublin. I'm excited, but R is sick today so I'm completely stressed out. She came into our room last night at 3am, trembling all over, burning up, and saying her tummy hurt, her eyes hurt, and her head hurt. I gave her Tylenol and laid down for a while with her. She never did throw up and seemed fine this morning. She just played with her breakfast though and said her tummy hurt (and she was shaking again). She's on the couch now and I'm wanting to eat everything in the kitchen. I really wanted a chance to work out today since we'll be on a plane or in airports for over 12 hours. Ah...the best laid plans as they say...

I've been concentrating on eating when hungry, stopping when satisfied, and not eating when not hungry over the past few days. It's been okay. It's hard not to eat over every little feeling, but I keep telling myself that when I'm hungry I can eat whatever I want. Good Lord, how many times have I tried this over the past few years? I figure it's got to sink in sometime. Last night we went to Old Country Buffet for dinner with dad. T was working overtime on the Dick Cheney detail as part of the motorcade. I wandered around and nothing really appealed to me. I finally made a large salad, ate a roasted chicken breast, and then ate about half of 7 different desserts. I really wasn't stuffed when we left though. My dad was appalled at all of the dessert I ate! It was kind of amusing.

I was thinking about why I feel so much more accepting of being overweight when I'm a size 12 than when I'm a size 10 or 8. I think I feel less pressure -- actually, no pressure. No one says "Oh my, you need to lose weight!" or "There's Susan, eating her salad again!" or "Oh you're so good -- you never eat the donuts (or cookies, or brownies, or candy, or....)". People just leave me alone. When I was a size 6, I felt constantly pressured to maintain my weight loss. My coworkers never left me alone -- "You look so great!", "You're doing such a good job!", "Oh, there's that skinny Susan!", "Oh, look how healthy you're eating. It's disgusting!", etc. Every time I got on the scale and saw that I'd gained a pound or two, I panicked. OMG -- was my stomach bigger? Did my pants look tighter? Could people tell I'd put on 2 pounds, or 5 pounds, or 10 pounds? It's almost as though I needed to either be 135 pounds or 160, with no in-between. If I'm 160, people can tell that I've given up. They leave me alone to eat my salad in peace. If I'm 145, people feel sorry for me that I've gained some weight back and my pants are tight. They eye the half donut I'm eating with disapproval. If I weigh 160, obviously I eat donuts, so it's okay. I could eat several because -- hey, I'm fat! Fat people eat donuts.

spiraling out of control

My sister stayed with me for 10 days after my mom died. She has always been an itty bitty thing with somewhat strange eating habits. When pregnant she would eat an entire bag of mini Reeces pb cups at a sitting. She has almost always managed to keep her weight low, however. I think it's just genetic (she's not my biological sis). I was able to see what she was eating while she was here because we were together all the time. The first day she was here she ate 1/2 a granola bar 1/2 a cheese sandwich, and 3 bites of cornbread. That was it. The entire day. It freaked me out and I think I tried to eat enough for both of us.

I'm not sure why it freaked me out so much. She's always been "the skinny sister". Two years ago she had put on some weight for some reason and I was actually a size smaller than she was (being a size 6 at the time). It weirded her out totally. She couldn't stop commenting on how small I was. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable and a little....well.......pleased, happy, proud, superior. I mean, I'd always been the fat one. Anyway, I'm back to being the fat one, and I think I was trying to cement my role or something, while trying to make her eat more and join me. Every time my sister mentioned loving some kind of cookies my mom used to make, I'd run to the kitchen and bake them. We had so many cookies here last week, you'd have thought it was Christmas time. Unfortunately, I ate far more than she did (or anyone else for that matter).

I feel stuck. I cannot seem to eat in any sort of intuitive manner. I try to slow down my eating pace and I end up eating faster. I try to feed myself when hungry and I end up eating too much by the end of the day because I "can't" resist dessert after dinner. I try to ignore my hunger for a while and I end up eating too much, feeling too full, and then fighting the temptation to eat even more. I can't seem to convince myself that I don't have to eat all of the food in the world in one day.

I weighed myself last week and the scale said 167. 167! I haven't weighed that much in years and years and years. I actually can't remember the last time I weighed that much, but it must have been in graduate school -- 1991 maybe? Since I got married in 1995, I know 156 is the most I've weighed unless I was pregnant, and my weight has hovered around 150 for most of my married life. I've been trying to remember what on earth I used to do differently, but it's all a blur. Heck, there were long stretches when I didn't even exercise, baked dozens of Christmas cookies, and still didn't gain weight. Did I spend most of my day starving? I kind of remember eating cereal & milk for breakfast and then ignoring my hunger until lunch, but can't recall much else. Sigh. I don't know why I'm rambling.

Eulogy

I have to say that I will miss mom more than I ever thought possible. There are so many things, big and little, that I’ll miss: her fantastic homemade dinner rolls, brought to every celebration dinner; the way she seemed to read my mind when I wanted to ask for help with something, but couldn’t quite get up the courage to spit it out; the beautiful craftsmanship she exhibited in the gorgeous holiday dresses and Halloween costumes she sewed for her grandchildren; and the glee she took in playing with her grandkids.

She was a terrific grandmother to my children, especially to R. When mom and dad had R out to the house to spend the day or a weekend, mom had endless patience with R’s nonstop chatter. She and R formed a cozy partnership they called “The Crafty Girls” and together they completed a myriad of different craft projects together over the past couple of years. Mom was ever so much more patient than I was with R’s style of crafting, which involved her own stubborn ideas, rather than the actual directions. When she took my kids to the beach, she didn’t just stick them in the car and go. She brought little beach chairs, beach umbrellas, pails, shovels, sunscreen, bug spray, and packed four different kinds of sandwiches, just to make sure she had the kind they liked. She didn’t just sit in a chair wishing she could go home (as I do at the beach) but instead got down in the sand and helped build sand masterpieces.

In the past few years, family seemed to become more important to her, and we’d grown quite close. She was my ready companion for things like craft shows and excursions to places my husband would have found boring, like museum exhibits or home tours. She was supportive to me in many ways when my husband and I were separated and working through marital problems a few years ago. I wouldn’t like to call my accident a year ago a blessing, but I am so very grateful for it, especially now, because it completely changed my relationship with my parents, especially my mom. She and my dad came to our house and took care of my entire family for weeks, changing my bandages, keeping me company during my seemingly endless weeks of confinement to a hospital bed, peppering my physical therapist with questions, doing our weekly grocery shopping, washing our laundry, running our errands, unpacking boxes from our recent move, and cooking up a storm making us everything from homemade bread to dinner every night. I was so touched by the unselfish love and caring shown to me by mom that I started to see her in a different light. I let go of past resentments and anger and was able to tell her for the first time how much I loved her and how grateful I was to her.

I have no doubt that mom was not ready to die yet. She constantly had new schemes and plans afoot, was always planning to take a class or learn a new skill, and spoke about her life as though she was going to live to be 100. To be honest, I always thought she would too. I found a reading that made me think of mom called “Let Me Die Working”.

Let me die working,
Still tackling plans unfinished, tasks undone!
Clean to its end, swift may my race be run.
No laggard steps, no faltering, no shirking;
Let me die working.

Let me die thinking,
Let me fare forth still with an open mind,
Fresh secrets to unfold, new truths to find,
My soul undimmed, alert, no question blinking;
Let me die thinking.

Let me die giving,
The substance of life, for life’s enriching;
Time, things and self on heaven converging,
No selfish thought, love redeeming, living;
Let me die giving.

Fear Factor Biking

Let me just say that I HATE exercise, in pretty much any shape or form. Occasionally before my accident I felt a rush of pride at how capable my body was when doing step aerobics -- heart pounding, sweat pouring off, muscles working hard -- but enjoyment was never any part of the experience. I do exercise -- often and hard. But only because I don't have any interest in a heart attack, a stroke, or use of a cane thirty years down the road.

The only exercise I find remote pleasure in is riding my bike (my outdoors bike, not the deadly dull stationary bike I torture myself with thrice weekly). So naturally, biking scares the *&%$ out of me since last summer. I'm pretty proud of myself that I actually have the courage to get back on a bike at all, but I find it terrifying. That's not strictly true -- once I'm on the bike and riding it, I don't actually feel scared -- unless an animal runs out in front of me. Just thinking about getting on the bike, though, makes me want to run for the closest quart of ice cream and dive in. Logically, I know the odds of breaking my leg into dozens of pieces a second time have to be really, really long, but that knowledge doesn't help. I rode 24 miles yesterday, and rather liked it (well, except for my behind hurting -- I MUST get a gel seat and possibly bicycle pants!) but I had put off that ride for 6 weeks because I was so nervous at the prospect. I wonder if I'll ever get over my anxiety?

what are you really feeling when you feel "fat"? and other interesting stuff

Cutting-Edge Therapies forEating Disorders by Jessica Setnick, MS, RD
Three strategies that dietitians can employ when counseling eating disordered clients include the apple test, the transitive property of fat, and recognition of the benefits of the eating disorder.

The apple test:
Eating in response to emotions can lead to overeating, compensating, and/or unwanted weight gain. The apple test is a way to help clients distinguish emotional needs from physiological hunger (Note: This strategy is not appropriate for patients who avoid eating.) At the onset of food thoughts or cravings and prior to eating anything that is offered, clients are advised to ask themselves: “Would I eat an apple?” Since apples are usually considered plain but nourishing food, the goal is to determine if you are truly hungry (“Yes, I would eat an apple”) or not (“I would eat a donut, but Iwouldn’t eat an apple”). If clients determine that they would eat an apple, they follow the guidelines provided by their dietitian or meal plan regarding what and how much to eat. If they find that they would not eat an apple, they follow the guidelines provided by the dietitian or mental health professional for identifying and managing emotional needs.

The transitive property of fat:
Because the “language of fat” is spoken so frequently in our culture, we learn to blame our bodies for our bad feelings. To help clients find non-eating disordered ways to cope with their feelings, they must first recognize that they are having feelings. Otherwise, they will continue to feel“fat,” a situation that has only one solution. Each person has a different definition of “fat.” Feeling “fat” indicates that a person is also feeling how he/she believes “being fat” feels. Clients may disagree with that statement and tell the dietitian they are only feeling fat, and nothing else. However, clients are really saying that because theoretically there is a solution to being fat, while there maybe no solution to other feelings. Using this strategy, dietitians can ask clients to walk through the grocery store and when they see a “fat”person (whatever they consider fat), think about what they assume that person’s life must be like. The dietitian might say to the client: “I know you don’t judge people based on appearance, but if you did, what might you think you know about this person? Is he lazy? Unproductive? Ugly? Lonely? Does he eat too much, eat the wrong things, let himself go?“ Whatever you think you might know about this person, this is what you equate with ‘fat.’ If you think that fat people are lonely, whenever you are lonely, you are bound to feel fat. If you believe that fat people are ugly, whenever you feel ugly, you are going to feel fat. Ugly and lonely don’t always have solutions, but when you know your definition of “fat,” you can discuss with your therapist how to handle that feeling, instead of turning to your eating disorder behaviors.”

Recognizing the benefits of the eating disorder:
Because eating disorders are a response to stress, they develop in response to underlying problems. Viewing an eating disorder as solely bad and shameful only makes a person feel worse for having it; the disorder prevents sufferers from finding the ways that it is actually “helping”them. Ask the client: “If you were to view your eating disorder as a solution, in what situations has it come in handy? How has your eating disorder helped you to get what you want, avoid what you hate, or express your true feelings? Your true problems are the very things that your eating disorder has helped you with. Once you have found the things that your eating disorder has helped you with, find non-eating disorder methods to solve them. When you are feeling strong, you won’t need your eating disorder to do your work for you.”

Eating: From Disordered toOrder—“What is Normal”?
by Reba Sloan, MPH, LRD
Many of my eating disordered clients have asked me to define “normal eating.” Whether clients are struggling to be free from the bondage of extreme dietary restraint or wrestling with the drive to binge on food, the goal is to help them arrive at a normal relationship with food, eating, and activity. This involves abandoning the “all or nothing” thinking and discovering a life lived in the “middle ground.”The first task is to help clients understand which aspects of their relationships with food are disordered. Most clients understand from a rational standpoint that their behaviors are imbalanced in this area. The powerful hold of their eating disorder can hinder them from accepting and living out this intellectual truth. Here are a few areas that dietitians can explore with clients in an effort to uncover disordered eating behaviors or cognitions:

Are you adhering to irrational rules regarding food and eating? (ie, “I can only eat 1,000 calories per day.” or “Carbs are bad/fattening.”)
Have your eating practices/behaviors contributed to a disconnect withyour hunger/full/satisfied cues?
Has the way you are eating and the activity you are getting or not getting contributed to “artificial” weight loss or gain?
Does your current relationship with food disrupt your emotional, social, or spiritual life?

After the client acknowledges thatdisordered eating is present, factors that may have contributed to this imbalance need to be addressed. Thisc an include emotional triggers that might cause someone to eat or not eat continually over a period of time, frequent dieting that stems from unrealistic weight or size goals, or living in a social-cultural melee that complicates finding the middle ground withour food, activity, and weight. Thereis no clearly defined crossover point where disordered eating becomes an eating disorder. Even if one does not meet the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder, disordered eating can destroy peace of mind and quality of life. My experience has been that many clients struggling with disordered eating fit the diagnostic criteria for Eating Disorder Not OtherwiseSpecified (ED NOS). This initial work with a client lays the foundation required for the journey towards “the middle ground” of normal eating. I have come to see normal eating in the following terms:
Eating that does not cause chaos inone’s thoughts and behaviors with food.
A relationship with food that is not guilt- or shame-based.
Eating that is thoughtful and connected, not obsessive.
Eating that is satisfying and enjoyable.
Eating that is flexible, and, occasionally“disordered.”
Achieving normal eating is even harder than defining the term. It is a process that involves a “hammer and chisel” approach. Our job is to assist clients in this pursuit by helping them identify and change faulty beliefs regarding eating, food, and weight, and giving them nutrition advice to encourage variety, balance, and moderation and to promote “style of eating”work that allows for more effective connection to the body’s signals. In a nutshell, normal eating is a result of realistic and practical goals. This might be best summarized by a quote I once heard and have long since forgotten the source: “Moderation in everything, including moderation.”
Reba Sloan, MPH, LRD, is a nutritiontherapist in private practice inNashville, Tenn.

On a diet?

I recently read the book Eat, Drink, & Weigh Less by Mollie Katzen (of Moosewood fame) and Walter Willett (Harvard School of Public Health). This has to be the first time in my entire life that I looked at a "diet" and thought, "I could totally do this!". The portions are generous, the food is delicious and totally real. No artifical sweetener, no frozen dinners, no convenience food, and the meals look fabulous. The only problem is that I work full time and have a family! The recipes are very time consuming, and for some of the dinners you have to make 3 of them. Perhaps if a I had a personal chef...

I have, however, been eating the breakfast, lunch, snack parts of the plan -- then just eating a mindful dinner with my family. So far, the food has been great and though I can't say I've never been hungry, I definitely haven't had that soul-sucking hunger I got on Weight Watchers. I don't arrive home desperate for anything that looks remotely like a carbohydrate because I'm so ravenous. I'm not sure if this is due to the composition of the meals or due to the fact that they are higher in calories than I've been eating. I've been eating a small breakfast, morning snack, small lunch, and afternoon snack, totally about 1000 calories. This plan has a breakfast of about 350 calories, a lunch of about 400 calories and a snack of up to 250 calories. So it's about the same number of calories, but more at breakfast with only one snack per day. I wish I had the time to cook some of the dinners. Perhaps on the weekends.

deprivation

I posted this on a bulletin board I belong to:

"It's so easy to understand my desire to eat when I'm anxious, upset, bored, etc. The other day I was feeling a lot of anxiety over something-or-other and I thought to myself, "I wish I could just binge instead of feeling all of this!" It's much less difficult to not eat in a situation when I realize why I want to. It's more difficult when there doesn't seem to be any reason beyond greed for me wanting food! "

One of the posters wrote:

"Susan when you describe your "greed" ~ always wanting the biggest piece of cake, etc. It doesn't sound like greed to me .... it sounds like little Susan wants to make positive that she gets her fair share. It sounds like there have been times in life where you didn't get what you needed and that large piece of cake is a form of taking care of yourself"

Another wrote that there will always be more cake and I need to remind myself of this when I want to eat more even though I'm not hungry or when I want dessert even though I'm full after dinner.

I think the "little Susan" theory is a good one. Growing up, we weren't short on food but with six kids we often didn't get "seconds" unless we ate our "firsts" really fast. We weren't allowed to eat between meals, and rarely ate out or had "good" food like pizza, french fries, ice cream, or chocolate. In addition, I used food to soothe my feelings, epecially as I got older.

I indulge (or used to indulge) in other behaviors (besides overeating) that agree with the fear of deprivation theory. My coworker brings in (giant) bagels every Saturday and I don't eat them anymore. When I did, however, I always made sure to rush over to the bag and pick out the one I wanted right away & squirrel it in my locker if I didn't immediately eat it. I used to be the first one in line at every potluck or buffet, and the first to cut into any treat brought by a coworker.
These days I often skip the treat and wait until last to get in line at a potluck. BUT I do still sometimes squirrel away treats, as though I won't be able to get any later. Silly because I could buy or make anything (I'm a good cook, after all), but I still sometimes find myself doing it. If I could figure out how to get past the feelings of deprivation...

I suppose I just need to put up with them. But then again, there's that fear that they will always be there and never go away. The fear that I will feel and feel and feel deprived and a bowl of ice cream will never just be a bowl of ice cream to take or leave. I've tried and tried to tell myself that there will always be more cake. Sometimes it works (especially with cake that isn't homemade). Sometimes though I think that my inner little girl says, "Oh yeah? Well when? You aren't having it now, you didn't have it last week -- exactly WHEN will there be more cake?!?"

food and feelings

I have been thinking for a couple of days about the feelings-food connection for me and realizing just how often I reach for food rather than feeling my feelings. Nowadays I usually stop mid-reach and think, "Um...what are you doing? You're not hungry. Why are you reaching for that?" instead of eating something. Often I stop my thoughts before I ever reach. But I still think first of food -- often. Why is that? When did that start? Was there EVER a time in my life when I just lived? When I didn't constantly think about food, try to resist eating or overeating? When I just ate? There must have been.

I know there were times in my 20s when I was at a stable, lower weight for months at a time and I distinctly remember once being at the grocery store with some people, my roommate Kathy among them. She picked up a candy bar and asked if I wanted one. I said, "No, thanks" automatically and I remember thinking, "Huh. I haven't had a candy bar in months." I must have been living pretty normally then. I know I went regularly to the gym and worked out a lot then, but I've done that off and on for 20 years. My love life wasn't going great at the time, I can't remember if I was working or in school, but I must have just been living my life. How can I get that back?

I feel as though I've done a lot of healing this year. I'm not CONSTANTLY dwelling on thoughts of food, my binges have grown farther and farther apart, and I'm exercising in a healthy way (as opposed to obsessively). I'm eating healthfully, but I'm still struggling with the dessert "thing". Why does that sweet fattening stuff have such a hold over me? Last night we got together and mom and dad M's house with Chris, Julie, Shanna, Richard, and all of our kids. It was very fun and I felt fairly relaxed and happy. I was really hungry, but ate two small pieces of pizza and some salad and was full. We had dessert. I'd made a Texas sheet cake recipe from Cooking Light and Mom had some lowfat ice cream. My piece of cake was fairly large, I took a scoop of ice cream, and I ate it slowly, savoring it. I wasn't the slightest bit hungry when I finished (or when I started, for that matter). Yet I sat there, fighting the urge not to eat C's piece of cake (that she hadn't touched) for half an hour. If I'd been alone I think I would have gobbled it down.

As it was, I sat with the feelings of wanting it, half listening to the conversation around me and half pondering why I wanted it so badly. I think it has to do with feelings of deprivation. Not that we were deprived of food as kids, but we weren't allowed to eat between meals. Mealtime was "eat as fast as you possibly can because if you don't, you won't get seconds". We had dessert at almost every dinner, but I remember eating so many cookies or coffee cake at church coffee hour that I'd feel sick. My sibs ate a lot too. When we'd go to a potluck dinner we'd always eat more than one dessert. Were we making up for the lack of sweetness in our lives? There sure wasn't a lot of it at our house. But now my life is very sweet. I have a nice house and a great family. I have sweetness in abundance. Dessert is still my Achilles heel. Is it just a matter of being greedy, as Linda Moran says in her book? Do I just need to sit with the feelings of wanting more but knowing I don't need it? If I do that, will I still have those feelings of wanting forever or will they eventually go away?

Shanna felt no compunction about asking me if I wanted the rest of the cake to take home (there was a very large piece left -- about five inches square), and when I said no, getting a fork and eating the entire chunk. Of course, she's pretty slender -- does that make a difference? -- and I think she only ate one piece of pizza. Regardless, she wanted it and she ate it. End of story. Had I eaten it, I would have felt that I'd let myself down. I'd have had difficulty not thinking badly of myself.