Thrown for a Loop

On Wednesday morning, R, very enamoured of her new digital camera, snapped a photo of me while I was making her breakfast. It was a photo of the back of me. I looked at it and was immediately thrown into a deep pit of despair. Okay, perhaps I exaggerate a bit, but not much. Wow, did I look awful. My pants looked too tight, my shirt looked too snug, and I looked quite chunky. I went upstairs and changed, and tried to talk positively to myself. I told myself that it was just the clothes -- and even if it wasn't, so what? Being fat isn't the end of all happiness. I'll just buy clothing that fits better and is more flattering and I'll like my rear view better. Yeah, that didn't really work.

I spent the whole day alternately planning to go on a diet; wondering if I could after all do the South Beach diet; thinking about how much weight I could lose by Christmas....and reminding myself that diets make me crazy; I have worth no matter what my weight; and no, I really shouldn't be eating all of this chocolate at work when I'm not at all hungry. I was really shocked at how upset I was. Here I thought my self image was improving, but I was back in the "it's hopeless so I might as well have a brownie" rut. I took R out for lunch after their "Fourth Grade Celebration" (they move to middle school next year), and managed to leave part of my lunch behind because I was full, but arrived at work and ate too many treats. I went out to dinner with a friend and had just a bowl of vegetable soup and a piece of bread because I wasn't very hungry, but went home at 8:15pm and ate a piece of pizza and a piece of cake! Just before bed I filled out my eating diary and resolved to get over my backside freak-out. So far, so good, though my mind still occasionally wanders into diet territory.

At group on Monday, my therapist gave us a great list of affirmations to post on the fridge. I won't post it on the fridge because of my girls, but I want to share it:

1. My worth as a person is not diminished in any way by my body size or my eating patterns.
2. I will love myself no matter what my eating patterns are.
3. I will judge my days not by what or how much I eat, but by the accomplishments I have made and the love I have given.
4. My life is a gift, and I will not let my enjoyment of it be diminished by feeling guilty over my body size or how much I eat.
5. I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.
6. My eating disorder is a temporary condition in my life.
7. There is a normal eater within me. I will let her take over my life more and more each day as I am ready.
8. I can imagine a life without having an eating disorder.
9. When I feel stressed, I will close my eyes and picture how my all-powerful, normal eater would handle the situation.
10. I believe I will be a normal eater again. I know I will be a normal eater again!

Different Outcomes Require Different Behavior!

I got my new gel shorts in the mail and put on a pair to go for a 19-mile bike ride on Sunday evening. They didn't quite have the cushy fabulousness I was hoping for, but I think my nether regions are less sore than they would have been in regular shorts. The bugs were unbelievably horrendous. Much of the trail is in leafy shade, and I had at least 500 bug corpses plastered to my t-shirt by the time I got home, along with 1 in my eye, several on my cheek, and even one inside my bra. Ewww. I can't imagine how many would have been stuck in my hair had I not been wearing a helmet. Which reminds me -- why on earth do parents make their children wear helmets when they do not? It's okay if mom or dad dies due to a fractured skull and leaves little Johnny parentless? I don't get it.

I had support group last night and attendance was huge. 18 anorexic teenagers, one middle aged overweight woman, and me. There are some young women there who never say a single word. I have no idea why they come. Maybe just listening to others helps -- or maybe mom forces them to come. During the meeting, one girl said that she's struggling with doing the same thing every day -- starving herself all day and then giving in and bingeing and purging in the evening. She said, "I KNOW what happens every single time I starve all day -- I KNOW it -- yet I tell myself that this day will be different."

I thought about how I do similar things -- I do things knowing KNOWING what will happen -- yet I still do them. Yesterday was a CRAZY day at work. I didn't get a chance to even get a drink of water until 1pm. We had pizza and lots of treats around, but lunch was fine for me. I ate one piece of pizza, my salad, and a piece of cake and I was really full. The afternoon was so busy and I was still so full from lunch that I didn't even think about food. Yet, when I left work, I took three of the cookies a coworker had brought in and told myself they were "for my kids". Yeah, right. I ate them in the car before I was even halfway home. What was that about? A reward for a busy day? A release of all of the tension -- relief that I was done? Anxiety about my support group meeting? What? Who knows? I think the most important thing for me to admit is that I took those cookies for ME. I didn't take them for my kids or my dh or anyone but me. I KNEW I was going to eat them on the way home, but didn't want to admit it to myself. The only saving grace in it for me is that I ate a REALLY small dinner and didn't eat anything else the rest of the night because I wasn't hungry.

After group I went to TCBY to get a frozen yogurt pie for R's 4th grade graduation celebration dinner (which will be tonight), and I wanted to get a frozen yogurt cone just because I was there and I love frozen yogurt. I didn't get one though. I want to get better -- ALL better. That's not going to happen unless I consistently make good choices. If I'd been hungry, okay. However, eating frozen yogurt last night would have been all about "hey, it's there -- and besides, I already ate three cookies and a piece of cake today. Might as well..." No. No. No. No. NO. I will not be that person anymore.

My Brain...it's A-Changin'

Here's my wonderful dh T running in a 5K. He's now talking about doing a triathlon, which made me mentally scratch my head. He hasn't been on a bike for at least 8 years and I've never seen him do anything in a pool but play around. I will be supportive if he wants to do it though.

I've been MIA because my life is still rather CRAZY these days. With t-ball twice a week, golf once a week, etc., I've been gone almost every evening for several weeks now. Thank heavens t-ball and school both end next week. We don't sign the girls up for evening or Saturday activities in the summer. I want my kids to have the kind of relaxed summers I had (sans wacky mother who thinks kids are the perfect manual laborers for her gigantic garden and grand landscaping projects).

Anyway, life is pretty good. I haven't had anything I could call a true binge in weeks and weeks and weeks. I've had some days when I've made a bad choice or two, but nothing worse than eating a few handfuls of chips when I'm not really hungry. I saw my therapist two weeks ago and I told her I was really struggling with wanting to lose weight versus trying to have a normal relationship with food. I think my self image has improved over the past several months, as I've stopped bingeing and worked on my destructive and irrational thoughts. However, I'm still not thrilled with my size. I confessed to her that I've realized through using the eating diary that I'm terrible at feeding myself at the first sign of hunger rather than waiting until I'm ravenous. I'm afraid of eating too much if I really allow myself to eat every time I'm hungry. We decided that I really need to trust my hunger and that I may end up eating less because I sometimes realize too late that I'm a bit too full because I was so hungry when I started eating. True confessions here...I still haven't been very good about it since then. There are a few days when I've had a snack at work when I'm really hungry between meals, but it makes me feel really anxious -- and I'm still super hungry at mealtime. So I think to myself, "WHAT in the heck is the point?!?" It doesn't matter what the snack is either -- high protein, high carb, mixture of both, fruit, veg...whatever. I've tried different things, but somehow I am still just as hungry when the next meal rolls around.

We discussed feelings and I told her I still have great difficulty pinpointing the feeling that underlies my anxiety or restlessness. I need to look at my feeling list more often when I'm having trouble. She gave me a really interesting sheet that shows how feelings change into destructive behaviors if you don't allow yourself to feel and/or express them. Anger, for example, changes into controlling behavior (among other things).

She led me through a visualization, which was really neat. I'd never really tried to do it before, but as she talked I really felt as though I was swinging softly in a hammock on the beach under a palm tree, feeling a soft breeze as I read a book. Ironic since I would never relax enough to do that, but she said that I could practice doing visualization to give me a little respite when I'm having a stressful day and can't actually escape. Of course, I haven't yet done it because I forget all about it when I really need it!

I've been trying to work on changing my irrational thoughts by asking myself what evidence I have for thinking _____________ (insert any irrational thought here!). It really calms me down when I take the trouble to challenge my squirrel brain. I have had many mornings lately when I suddenly think, "Hey! I'm not thinking about food!" If I start to have any weird repetitive food/weight loss thoughts, I immediately start reciting a nursery rhyme and my thoughts go away. It seems dopey, but it works.

The Two of Me and The Daily Eating Diary

Here is me with straight hair and me with curly hair. No one likes the straight-haired me except my 10-year-old. After seeing myself with curly hair for 43 3/4 years, I felt odd walking around with straight hair for a few hours, but I liked it okay. I'm not sure I'd ever do it on a regular basis, but it was kind of neat to see.

---

I went to the cemetaries with my dad and the girls yesterday. We scrubbed gravestones and planted flowers. It was kind of nice, though I wonder how long I'll keep it up after my dad dies. The two cemetaries we visit are 90 minutes away, so an entire day is usually eaten up when we go. I suppose guilt will drive me to continue going as long as I'm able.

---

I got up today and rode 16 miles on my bike. It was lovely outside, but I had lost all enthusiasm by mile 12. The wind was against me and my bottom was hurting something fierce! Since I was still four miles from home I was forced to push on. I'm definitely buying gel shorts.

---

Here is the Daily Eating Diary my therapist handed out at our last support group meeting. It has been quite helpful to me, especially questions 11 and 12. I do it just before bed and I'm forced to think about whether or not I've done anything for myself over the course of the day, as well as to look ahead to the next day and pre-plan. I've also discovered that I'm really, really terrible about encouraging myself to eat from physical hunger and eating at the first signal of hunger rather than letting myself get overly hungry.

---

The Daily Eating Diary

1. Did I encourage myself to eat from physical hunger?

2. Did I eat at the first signal of hunger, rather than letting myself get overly hungry?

3. Did I find myself eating or restricting for emotional reasons today?

___boredom

___depression

___anxiety

___fatigue

___frustration

___sexual feelings

___transition between activities

___other

4. Did I practice focused and mindful eating?

5. Did I stop when I was full?

6. Did I plan what I wanted to eat?

7. Did I eat food that was not pleasing to me?

8. Which times of the day and evening were the most troublesome for me with food?

9. What alternatives did I take during these times?

10. What alternatives could I have taken?

11. What are the ways I took good care of myself today?

12. What emotional needs do I anticipate for tomorrow and how can I prepare to take care of them?

Girls On the Run

Here is my 10-year-old in her 5K with the Girls On the Run. GOTR is a great program for preteen girls that helps build self esteem, as well as attempting to instill a love of exercise. Over the course of ten weeks, they do a lot of team building and self esteem exercises, and train to run a 5K. R did it last year and I was amazed when she actually ran the entire 5K. This year she did as well -- in about 32 minutes. Not bad.

I admit that I got very choked up when I looked at the sea of 852 girls taking off from the starting line. I wish there had been a program like this one when I was 10 years old. We stayed until the very last girl finished, and it was awesome to see the pride on their faces when they crossed the finish line. And so much for stereotypes -- several very fat little girls finished quite a bit ahead of the rest of the group. Go girl power!

Sing, Sing a Song...

I saw my therapist last week. She said that what I did on my mom's birthday couldn't really be labled a binge -- more like a bad choice. I made a few more bad choices on mother's day. I wanted so badly to be happy. The girls and T were very excited about giving me new deck furniture and chocolate and wanted to take me out to breakfast. I just didn't feel like it. I still felt sad about my mom's birthday and mother's day just made the sadness worse. On Sunday, I didn't really realize that's what the problem was. I just knew that I felt crummy and restless and just wanted to eat all day. The commenter on my previous post was exactly right -- sometimes it is just easier not to fight and just to give in to the old ways of doing things; to give in to the comfort. It wasn't until I was in support group on Monday that I felt the actual sadness. Barb asked how everyone had coped with mother's day and I got choked up when I tried to talk about it.

I still feel quite self conscious at support group. There can't be more than 3 of us over the age of 25 and there are only a couple who aren't recovering from anorexia. I will soldier on though -- maybe I'm providing comfort to the other non-skinny women. Barb gave some handouts to the group and I think one will be quite useful for me. It's a sort of worksheet for emotional eaters. It's not the usual food diary, but rather a sheet of questions to ask yourself each evening. There are things on it like "did I eat mindfully today, without distractions?", "did I make myself eat food I don't enjoy?", "did I eat from boredom, anger....(etc)?", "will there be a time tomorrow when I may struggle not to eat and what will I do about it?" I will post the entire thing when I have it in hand (not at home right now).

At therapy last week I whinged about my obsessive thoughts and Barb suggested that when they start popping up, I should recite a nursery rhyme, sing a song, or tell myself a story (even if it's nonsensical) -- preferably out loud. That will force me to use the opposite side of my brain and take my mind off my other thoughts. I tried it a few times and it actually works pretty well.

She also urged me to stop personalizing everything. I tend to take responsibility for everyone else's feelings and for the way they act toward me. I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings. Wow. After a few days of ruminating on that, I remembered trying to make my mom happy when she was angry with us (my sibs and me). We hardly ever knew exactly why she was mad -- she would just suddenly stop talking to us. It was very stressful and I'd walk on eggshells and scramble around cleaning things and trying to do things to make her happy again. Usually the storm cloud would suddenly pass one day and she'd start talking to us again like nothing had ever happened. I remember even asking dad why she was upset and he never had any clue either. I felt such a responsibility to make her happy -- and I tend to do the same thing currently with anyone who is upset with me.

I had shared with Barb a day when I struggled with my eating after having breakfast with three friends (all former coworkers). We eat breakfast together every month or so and I really enjoy their company. One of them, B, was advised three years ago by her doctor that if she lost 15 pounds or so she'd probably be able to quit taking her blood pressure meds. She joined WW and was a model dieter. She never ate one single point over her allotted amount, lost 40 lbs in just a few months, and has maintained that loss ever since. At this month's breakfast, she ate plain oatmeal and I commented that she hadn't had her usual peanut butter with it. She said that she had switched programs with WW and wasn't counting points anymore, and she wasn't sure if peanut butter was an okay food. I was surprised that she still counted points and said so. She told us that she had been put on a new medication for her fibromyalgia and suddenly started gaining weight. She cut her points and was still gaining weight at 20 points a day. (20! I'd be ravenous all day long!) So she switched plans and stopped taking her medication. She said, "I just think I'd rather hurt than gain the weight back." I was rather speechless. I wasn't sure if I should admire her tenacity or feel sorry for her.

At the same breakfast she asked me if she should still bring me castoff clothing from her daughter (which she has done for several years). I, of course, took her question to mean that hey, I was kind of fat now and could never fit in to any of her daughter's clothes now so why should she still bring them to me? Barb pointed out that she may have simply been asking because it had been a while since she'd brought me any and that I should not assume she was implying anything. I'm still not convinced, but I think B's dedication to her weight maintenance along with the clothing comment made me feel deeply ashamed. All day I had that "I might as well give up and eat like a pig because I'm never going to lose any weight and I'm going to hate how I look for the rest of my life" thoughts. So, I need to work on NOT PERSONALIZING. The whole world does not revolve around me, right?

Fear of Recovery

Ah, the confindence of the young! If only they would always think they look as beautiful as they do in this picture.

I've been doing really well, for the most part. T and I went out on Friday night -- 12 cops and me. Even the cops' wives were cops. I was okay though -- just sipped my iced tea and water, and listened to war stories. We'd eaten pizza with one of the couples before going, and I was careful to stop when I'd had enough -- 2 pieces from a medium pizza kept me full til we got home around 11:30pm. I ate a third piece before bed, but I was truly quite hungry.

Yesterday we had to give a post talk for Retrouvaille. We did it the first time six months ago and it was pretty stressful. We spend two hours talking about the time when our marriage was in trouble and how we healed, so it brings up lots of emotions -- good and bad. I knew there would be a table full of snacks there, and did some pre-day preparation. I told myself that yes, I'd feel some desire to chow down, both because of the anxiety of doing the session and due to the desire to decompress afterward. However, I planned to eat lunch and not be hungry. Therefore, I wouldn't eat anything. I eyed the snack table a couple of times, especially after we were done, but I didn't eat anything. I wasn't hungry and didn't want to feel bad. I still felt quite "bingey" after dinner last night. My mind kept telling me that I wanted ice cream! cake! cookies! I couldn't get my mind off eating dessert, but ate 3 graham crackers dipped in milk and a couple of Hershey kisses and stopped. I started on a lollipop, but realized that I didn't really want it and was only eating it to keep my mouth busy. I threw the rest away.

Because I think I've lost some weight (I haven't weighed myself but my size 10 Levis that haven't fit for several months were fine yesterday), my thoughts have been becoming a bit obsessive lately. Especially when I walk the dog or when I'm bored at work, my thoughts begin spiraling out of control -- all about how much weight I could lose by what date or what I've eaten or what I shouldn't have eaten or how I could have the lowest calorie dinner possible or..... on and on. If I'm with the dog (and hence, alone outside at 5am), I tell myself out loud, "Think about something else!" It is easier said than done. The problem is that nothing else holds my thoughts for very long. I tried to plan a flower bed I've been wanting in my front yard, and I've tried just staying present; staying in the moment. I admired the way the moss looks on a fallen tree, noticed how the gorgeous purple hyacinth contrasted with the yellow daffodils, took in the sounds of the birds and frogs, checked out the tangle of varying shades of green in the woods, but it was hopeless. My thoughts kept circling around to weight loss.

I think this is part and parcel of why I've always been a bit afraid to recover. What on earth will I think about? If I no longer have to dwell on weight, size, calories, food, and the like, what will I do? When I try to imagine it, my mind goes blank. I used to love reading, but most of the time I feel too restless to sit and read for hours the way I used to. I can only read at night before bed these days. I used to love scrapbooking but now, though I enjoy it, I don't have any passion for it. It has been a few years since I touched my supplies except to pack them for a crop. I kind of like golf, but I can't see myself as a daily player or anything. What do people without eating issues do with their time?

I had a sorta binge today. I don't know if it was a binge or not. Maybe it was, though it didn't have the urgency or "out-of-control eating everything in the kitchen" quality about it. I had my Sunday all planned out. We'd go to church. Then I'd go to the driving range to practice, buy my groceries, come home and eat lunch, then take the girls to the zoo while T had a meeting. After dinner I'd take a bike ride. My plans had to change though, when I found out that a friend's father had died and visitation was this afternoon. The zoo went out the window, and the visitation brought up all kinds of sad feelings about my mom. Today would have been her 72nd birthday.

I got home from the visitation, T was still gone, and I decided to finish the dessert R had requested for dinner. Then I realized that I didn't have the cream cheese I needed to top the brownie dessert. I tried not to be annoyed and just made some frosting to finish them. Suddenly frosting on a graham cracker sounded so delicious that I couldn't stand it and had to have one. Then I had about four more. Then I ate two brownies. Then I stopped. I felt kind of sick and thought, "I am NOT going to do this. I am done." I didn't really feel any temptation to keep going. I was hungry for dinner and though I didn't eat much, it was only because I got full quickly and wasn't hungry anymore. I did have one more brownie. I rode my bike ten miles and I confess that part of me was happy I was burning off some brownie calories. I didn't punish myself with a 20-mile bike ride though, and stuck to my original plan of 10 miles. I felt really good when I got back. So I ate some crap. So what. I stopped, started life anew, and I'm fine.

Escaping the Stress

After dinner the other night, I told T that I was going for a short bike ride. The girls immediately announced, "I want to go with you!" but T told them that I was going alone. I pedaled off and it was wonderful. I felt as though I was escaping! I love my family more than anything in the world, but my therapist is right. I need more time to myself -- more time spent on doing things that are just for me. I felt exhilarated as I rode along, all by myself. I only rode 7 miles, but I came back feeling really calm, happy, and ready to face the bedtime routine. This is something I need more of...right after t-ball, golf, and Girls on the Run all ends....

Last night I knew I didn't have time for any bike riding. After dinner I had 20 minutes before I had to leave for support group. I asked T if he would sit and relax on the couch with me. He eyed me suspiciously and said, "Are you serious?" I assured him that I was, and he said, "Really? You're not going to jump up and clean something or remember ten things you have to do before you leave or make a list or anything?" I reiterated that I was just going to sit. So, we sat. And snuggled. And were promptly joined by our daughters who babbled at us nonstop for 20 minutes. But it was nice.

Then I went to my therapist's eating disorders support group. I realized that I feel somewhat ashamed that my ED is not the more glamorous anorexia. It is the embarrassing BED. Somehow being waifish and hungry seems more sympathy-inducing than being someone who stuffs her face. Maybe that's my own insecurity talking. Anyway, I felt really self conscious at first, but after a while I was offering my opinions on everything. The teens were probably wishing I'd shut up. There was an older woman there whose legs, I swear, were smaller around than my five-year-old's. Yet she was going on and on about needing to lose weight, and how she couldn't stop eating. I felt really sorry for her because she is obviously firmly entrenched in anorexia, and has no idea what her body really looks like. Most of the girls in the group are either in recovery or are working on it. None of them are obviously too thin.

We talked about changing self-talk and how to stop the cycle of emotional eating, shame, more eating, more shame, more eating, etc. I had to go to the grocery store afterward and I had that familiar feeling of wanting to eat to decompress after a stressful situation. I cruised by the in-store bakery, breathing in the delicious scent of the bread and doughnuts and cake. I didn't linger, however, and simply got my groceries and left. At home, I tried to decide if I was really hungry (dinner had been small and early), or just wanted to eat. I finally decided that if I had to question it, I wasn't really hungry. I was still quite tempted to eat, and actually opened the fridge and the cupboard. R saved me by appearing at that moment. I asked her if T was still awake and she said he was. So I marched upstairs and, instead of eating, made love to my husband. That is far more satisfying than graham crackers any day.

Learning to Live with the Cookies

First -- a brag on myself....The BIG boss came to my storytime this morning before she went out to lunch with my bosses. She told them that I was really good at doing storytime! Patting myself on the back now...

I saw my therapist yesterday and she totally put her finger on one of my biggest problems. I suppose I already knew it, but didn't want to admit it. She said that I am not taking enough downtime for myself; I'm not doing enough that's just for me. She advised me to take just 20 minutes a day after dinner and go out on my bike, go out for a walk, or hibernate in my bedroom with a book. Then, at least once a week on my day off, carve out a good 2-hour plus block of time to do something for myself -- and refuse to feel guilty about it. When I shared this with T, he said, "Did you tell her your husband has been telling you that for years?"

We discussed my wasted weekends, and she thinks that because I'm not taking any time for myself, it's my way of trying to do it subconsciously. Because T views his days off as days to relax and do nothing, but I view them as days on which chores should be done, I feel resentment that he is able to lie around on the couch all day, doing nothing. My restlessness is caused by being torn between thinking of the things I "should" do versus the things that I "want" to do. She told me not to let T's issues become my issues. His laziness, crabbiness or illness has nothing to do with me and I shouldn't assume it does or try to fix it. When he was lying around feeling ill, I could have just herded the kids into the car and gone to do something fun without him.

I said that I thought I needed more structure on my days off -- a to-do list, at the very least. She agreed, but advised that I put no more than 3-5 things on the list. I can do that. We also discussed the irrational thoughts I often have regarding food and relationships. Rather than simply recognizing them as irrational, I also need to ask myself what evidence I have for them, and reframe them as positive thoughts. When I feel really "bingey", but don't know why, I can take a look at the feelings list she gave me and try to pinpoint a feeling or two.

Last night I was driving home from work, hungry, and kept thinking I wanted an ice cream cone from McDonald's. I'm not sure why that popped into my head because I rarely go to McD's, but I love that soft, sweet kind of ice cream and find it very soothing and comforting. I was seeking decompression after doing a program at work that I'd been really nervous about. I told myself that I was hungry for food, not ice cream. I got home, ate a veggie dog on a piece of Ezekiel bread, and I really wasn't hungry anymore. I wasn't satisfied yet though, and I ate a handful of Cheetos, 1 1/2 cookies, and a cup or so of ice cream. Then I felt guilty and my hand hovered briefly over the cookie jar, knowing that I could binge and feel so nice and full of chocolate chip cookies.

My hand hovered, hovered, hovered. I thought about the talk I'd had with the therapist about my "brownie day" last Sunday. I told her that I knew that, at several points during the day, I could have thrown the brownies away to change the pattern, but I didn't want to. I know it's not about the food, and I don't want the solution to always be to throw everything away. That CAN'T always be the solution because I can't possibly throw away all of the brownies in the world. I want to learn to live with the brownies. She agreed, but said that, for now, sometimes the answer might be to throw them away. As the food and feelings become less connected, the brownies will sit there and it won't occur to me to eat one because I'm agitated. I didn't throw the cookies away, but I took my hand away from the cookie jar and went off to bed, telling myself, "You are learning to live with the cookies."

Back in the Saddle Again

I rode my bike last night for the first time in about 18 months. I only went five miles, but dang are my sit bones sore! It felt really good though. I only had a couple of flashbacks to my accident, and my leg is strong enough now that I can almost stand up and pedal. Maybe by the end of the summer, it will be.

I'm sorry to say that I frittered away my weekend, not doing much that was constructive. We cleaned on Saturday morning (always sure to be crankiness inducing), and went to my coworker's wedding in the afternoon and evening. T wasn't feeling good, and only got sicker as the weekend went on, ensuring that going to the wedding wasn't exactly a romantic or nostalgic date. We danced only one dance together, but did share some good laughs with my coworkers. I hardly ate anything at the wedding dinner, but ate my entire piece of cake. That would have been fine except that it was dry and the frosting tasted weird. I think I only ate the whole thing because I'd "saved room" for it by eating a really small dinner. If only I could remember that there will always be cake -- and better tasting cake -- in my life.

Yesterday we went to a concert with our kids -- The Composer is Dead by Lemony Snicket. The idea was cute, but the execution of it didn't really work. The best thing that can be said for it is that it was only an hour long. T dragged himself to it with us, but promptly went back to bed when we got home. I find his frequent illnesses annoying. I can't believe I'm typing that. It's not his fault and I feel like a bad person for being annoyed, but there it is. He has a horrible immune system and gets sick every other month. Perhaps I'd have more sympathy if I got sick more often than once every 3-4 years, but I probably annoy him with my persistent good health. I was crabby all weekend because nothing turned out like I had planned and looked forward to. I didn't let it affect my eating -- much. I did indulge in at least three servings of Cheetos at lunch on Saturday, and three chocolate chip cookies while baking yesterday, but I skipped dessert at last night's dinner and went out on my bike instead.

This week is another hellish week of busyness -- Retrouvaille board meeting tonight at our house (the reason for the Saturday cleaning), golf tomorrow night, work Wednesday night, t-ball practice for C on Thursday night (and T works late), birthday party for my FIL on Friday night, work all day on Saturday for me (and C's half birthday) .... maybe Sunday will be restful. :-)

Stopping Before I've Started

Wow, I'm so, so, so glad it's Friday. It has been an incredibly stressful week and I'm exhausted. Trying to wake up this morning felt like swimming through mud. Last night I left work and took C to t-ball practice. I had brought a snack for each of us, and we bolted it down in the 10 minutes we had before practice. T showed up with the dog, looking cranky and not kissing me hello. He seemed pretty distant and told me he'd stay with C if I wanted to take R home.

On the way home, my mind was racing with doubts I haven't had for a while. Was T upset or angry with me? Was he starting to feel emotionally detached from me again? Were we headed for divorce? (no one ever accused me of underplaying things). At home, I ate a smallish dinner, did the dishes, and fretted. T and C arrived home, still no kiss, and my worries escalated as he barely said three words to me. I sat there eating a small piece of chocolate, watching C eat ice cream, while plotting and scheming my binge to come. As soon as T left to walk the dog, I would start with Cheetos. I'd continue with Pop Tarts. Somehow I'd get some ice cream in there....
I stopped. I asked myself exactly what I had to gain by bingeing -- or eating anything, since I wasn't hungry? What would I gain besides misery and self-hatred with a side of guilt? Even if T came back from walking the dog to announce, "I'm in love with someone else, she's pregnant with my baby, and I'm leaving right now!", would having a full stomach help my emotional agony? No. Not so much. Or at all. Probably quite the opposite.

I left C to finish on her own, went upstairs, went through my nighttime routine, and got into bed. T came home, we talked for a bit (no dramatic announcements), and I fell asleep after some further fretting. This morning T called to warn me that he'd knocked over the beer bottles on his way to work, told me he loved me, and sounded totally normal. Go figure. All the same, I'm glad we have a date tomorrow. I feel as though I haven't really talked to him for weeks.

Michelle Wie Still Has Nothing to Fear From Me

I had my first golf lesson last night. The ONE time the instructor had us swing at an actual ball, I missed. Supposedly an hour-long lesson, it lasted 2 hours and 15 minutes and the instructor must have been a Marine Sergeant in a former life. When I finally got into the van to head home, I discovered my cell phone was dead. I arrived home 90 minutes late to a fuming dh, who was thoroughly convinced I was wrapped around a telephone pole. He also informed me that the dog had escaped and was running around in the woods. ARGH! I spent an hour looking for her with no luck. Just as I was finally heading to bed, utterly exhausted, she appeared at the door completely covered with black mud. So R and I were bathing the dog in the tub at 10:30pm, as she sat meekly and looked at us with soulful brown eyes. At least she didn't bug me for a walk until 6:30 this morning -- though that meant I missed my morning cardio.

I saw my regular doctor today. She was quite pleased with my blood pressure (100/70), my weight loss over the past couple of months, and my health in general. She was rather displeased with my cholesterol level. My good cholesterol is good and my triglycerides are normal for once (probably due to the major reduction of crappy sugary carb intake since I've been seeing the therapist), but my "bad" cholesterol is pretty bad -- I think it was 199. She has given me three months to see if it goes down, but is pretty convinced that it is hereditary and won't budge. It looks like medication for me. Boo. Hoo.

I've had three terrific days. Even with all of my evening madness last night, I felt no urge to reach for food to comfort or distract me. Monday evening I went grocery shopping and was briefly tempted by the ice cream I brought home -- especially when I saw the girls eating it. After considering my state of hunger (or lack of) and emotional state (tired), I realized that I didn't really want it that much. It can wait. Ice cream will always be around, and I'd rather have it when I can sit and enjoy it. This morning we had doughnuts at our meeting (from my favorite doughnut place, Susie's Donuts!) but they just looked greasy. I'd just eaten breakfast and wasn't the slightest bit hungry anyway.

Can I Have a Do-Over?

I had a crummy weekend. Friday night, we had three couples over for pizza before going to a hockey game, and for drinks after the game. Two of the women engaged it that stupid "I'm not really that hungry" game -- you know, the one where they take one piece of pizza, leave the crust behind, and turn down the chips & cheese, fruit & dip, and brownies. I felt like a miserable pig for eating two pieces of pizza. I suppose that's my issue and I really, really shouldn't allow what anyone else eats or doesn't eat affect me, right? I really didn't even want most of my second piece of pizza, but ate it anyway because I was nervous. At least I turned down the popcorn most of them were eating at the game. After we got back, someone produced a birthday cake for one of the guys, and I ate a piece. It wasn't even very good. I only ate a bit at first, but proceeded to pick at it until it was gone -- and had a dozen or so chips and cheese to top it off.

On Saturday, I went scrapbooking all day. I had gone back and forth about whether or not I should bring my own food -- or at least a salad. On the one hand, she usually serves food that isn't exactly healthy. On the other hand, I don't want to engage in behavior that is too "diety" and disordered. I ended up taking nothing and regretted it. She served greasy meatballs, potato salad, chips, overly sweet hot fruit compote, and brownies. I didn't like any of it, and ate only enough to stave off hunger. Then all afternoon I felt very dissatisfied and restless. I really wanted to get outside and take a nice, relaxing walk but it poured rain nonstop all day. I ended up salving my restlessness with two brownies. After the crop I went home, and feeling very unhappy, proceeded to eat a couple of handfuls of chocolate Chex mix (which is really yucky tasting, let me tell you!) with the girls. I ALMOST started a binge. I ate a Girl Scout cookie after my Chex mix, and felt myself teetering on the edge. I talked myself down and went upstairs to bed instead.

Yesterday, T got called in to work 10 hours of overtime, which is great for the budget but bad for me. R was gone at a friend's house and C had a friend visiting. I felt trapped and had that horrible jittery feeling that preceeds a binge. It was almost as though too many possibilities of how to spend the day were spread out before me, while at the same time I felt trapped by all of the chores waiting for me. I have already decided that the next time I have a day like this I will immediately make a to-do list that includes work AND relaxation. I ended up pacing the house like a caged lion for most of the day (in between loads of laundry and bill paying), and about five brownies made their way into my stomach by early afternoon. I didn't end up doing anything satisfying for me OR any of the cleaning and organizing I had wanted to do. I got on the elliptical for 30 minutes, I walked the dog a couple of times (short walks since I had two five-year-olds there), but I just couldn't calm myself. After dinner I had to pick R up (T was held over at work and missed dinner, which didn't help) and we went out for ice cream. I only had a kiddie scoop, but I wasn't at all hungry AND it doesn't really help my girls' future eating habits to take them for food only because I want it.

Today is a new day and the start of a new week. I have regrets about the weekend, but I sat down yesterday and wrote out a "chain of events" for my therapist, along with ways I could have done things differently. I have to look at the good: I didn't have an all-out binge. There was no time when I felt sick because I'd eaten too much. I didn't proceed to eat every sugary carb in the house. Heck, there were still a dozen brownies left by evening. I may have taken a step back, but I'm ready to move forward again.

I'm Game

Not only did my dh get out with the leaf blower, but he and the girls picked up all of the sticks in the backyard AND my dearest T, who despises yard work, suggested that on each nice weekend we should choose an area and work on it for an hour or two (!) That really makes me feel much less put-upon.

I met with my therapist yesterday, and she's very pleased with my progress. She said it seemed that my ability to be reflective is improving, and she was quite happy to hear that I haven't binged in a few weeks. I told her that I'd had some mild urges that I didn't quite understand. Once last week when T took the dog for a walk, I really wanted to start eating. Yet I wasn't upset, I wasn't unhappy, I wasn't angry with T, and I wasn't having any sort of strong feeling I could identify. She suggested that perhaps many small irritations build up over the course of the week, and just then is when I felt the urge because I had the opportunity. Wow -- light bulb moment. There had been several times over the week when I'd been annoyed because the dishes weren't done or something small happened -- too small to whinge about, but irritating to me. She advised me to journal each night about the things bothering me, both small and large. If I write them down, it's easier to let them go. That makes a lot of sense.

She gave me quite a bit of "homework" to do -- making a list of my triggers and how I can thwart them, making a behavior chain (for example -- I get up late, don't pack a good lunch, feel starving all afternoon, stop at a fast food place, eat too much, feel guilt, binge...whatever might happen), and a sheet on problem solving -- i.e. my problem is that I want to eat dessert every night after dinner. I have to write down what's in it for me, the down side, my options, other options, the option I'll try this week, how many days I was successful, and whether or not I want to try another option. She also gave me handouts on working with feelings and negative self-talk.

We discussed my "not good enough" poem, and though it was obvious that many events in my life served to reinforce the idea that weight and looks were really important, I told her that I realized that my feelings weren't all related to my weight. All my life I'd thought, "If I just lost ___ pounds, I'd be happy." Yet, many of the things I wrote about were unrelated to weight and looks. I would have felt bad whether I'd weighed 300 pounds or 110 pounds. She asked what that said to me. I told her, "Well, it's obvious that I have really bad self esteem and somehow need to raise it." She replied, "Are you ready to do that work?" AHHHH! I answered, "I guess so." I can't imagine how it will ever happen, but I'm game.

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning, Oh What a Beautiful Day!....

If only I could sing. Today is our third gorgeous day in a row -- the sunshine and warmth make me so HAPPY! I worked in our yard for a couple of hours yesterday and it looks 100 times better already. I have T the big hint that he should get out there with the leaf blower today, so we'll see if he takes it. My back and shoulders are rather sore today.

Saturday at our CORE meeting, we had (natch) a potluck. I was really hungry, and though I didn't really eat a LOT of food, I ate past "enough". I tried not to beat myelf up about it and didn't give in to the urge to eat more after we got home. Yesterday we cooked out on our grill for the first time this year. T and the girls had steak, but I made lean hamburgers for dad and me (dad has dentures and can't really chew steak -- I just don't like it all that much). I ate the burger and some broccoli and was full. I was annoyed because I'd made banana bread and peanut butter and jelly bars and really wanted some, so I ate a piece of each of those too. Then I felt really overful and was mad at myself. I didn't use it as an excuse to eat more though. Instead, I had a nice long, relaxing walk with my SIL after dinner, which was the first time in ages we'd been able to have a good talk. Wow -- I had almost 16000 steps on my pedometer yesterday.

Goosebumps

Our Retrouvaille community just finished a weekend and a participant (who had begged to get in at the last minute) sent T this note:

T,
I just wanted to sincerely thank you for your efforts in making room for K and I this weekend. You will never know the difference you have allowed us to make in our marriage. The drive to the retreat was 3 hours that felt like 6. I don't think we said more than 10 words. The ride home felt like it only took about 20 minutes (just as you said, T). I just can't thank you enough for giving us the chance to revive our marriage. To us, this weekend meant everything. We are truly thankful for all we have and we hope to never take for granted what God has blessed us with. We floated all the way home. I assure you that you and all the people involved in our Retrouvaille weekend will be remembered in our daily prayers. We look forward to our post sessions. May God continue to bless you and your family every day, T & K

Isn't that awesome? I get goosebumps every time I read it. That's what Retrouvaille is all about and results like this make all the work totally worth it.

A Test -- and I Passed

We had a shower at work today for a coworker who is getting married this month. Sometimes I swear my life revolves around food events. Anyway, I knew that the menu was chicken salad and croissants -- neither of which I am wild about and both of which are really high in calories and fat. I was sort of fretting about it, wondering if I should bring my own lunch. I waffled -- was that too weird? Too "diety"? I finally packed my salad and Lean Cuisine Panini and took it to work, still undecided. At lunchtime I compromised and ate my salad, but had about 1/3 of a croissant and a small bit of chicken salad too. I had a small piece of cake and a couple of bites of the fruit salad and bread and that was it. I wanted more, but only because I wanted more -- not because I was still hungry. So I didn't have more. I just sat with the wanting and felt it, and didn't do anything about it. I felt so peaceful all afternoon.

After dinner, I had some of the dessert my daughter made yesterday and then felt guilty because I'd already eaten cake today. I had lots of "mmmm...Easter candy in the cupboard..." thoughts, but sternly told myself that I was making the choice to be a normal eater. Normal eaters can have candy anytime they want -- it isn't anything special. I took the dog for a walk instead of opening the cupboard. By the time I ambled back, I was calm and felt okay.

I wrote my assignment for the therapist today -- a poem on the theme "not good enough". It just kind of flowed out of my pen, though tis true that I've been pondering it for a week. It brought up some things I'd almost forgotten about or hadn't thought about in years. I don't think I'll post it here. Maybe after I show it to her.

What a Great Weekend!

On Friday night, T and I registered couples for the Retrouvaille weekend. There was a gigantic buffet dinner set out for the people working that evening. I was absolutely ravenous, but took my time, choosing a turkey sandwich, one dessert, and some raw veggies. I ate it and it was enough. Later I had a couple of crackers with cheese, but that was it. I mulled it over and didn't feel terribly deprived -- and I didn't go hungry.

On Saturday I went to a scrapbooking crop all afternoon and evening. They had a gigantic bowl of candy sitting two feet from me, and a table groaning with desserts and snacks. I had one mini Snickers bar, two brownies, and half a cookie. However, when dinner came, I wasn't thrilled with the sandwich and only ate half of it, along with salad and a breadstick. I didn't feel overfull and didn't eat anything else after dinner. I was tempted -- I had a very brief thought of "Oh man, I ate two brownies...maybe I should just finish that last one on the platter..." but realized I really had eaten enough and it would just be emotional eating if I did.

Yesterday afternoon, I was prowling around the house feeling very restless and grumpy. I tried to lie down but couldn't relax. I didn't feel like reading. I didn't want to clean or organize anything. I didn't want to do a craft. I didn't want to take a walk. I just felt very out of sorts. I had almost decided that I'd bake something, but realized that I only wanted to bake so I'd have an excuse to lick the beaters. So I went downstairs to catch up on my email until it was time for bowling. I felt really glad that I hadn't given in.

Our bowling season ended last night and our team finished in the middle of the pack, rather than almost last as we did last year. AND you won't believe who the high/low winners were? Yes, that would be me and my partner! Unbelievable. For the final day, they pair the bowlers with the highest and lowest average, the next highest and next lowest, and so on. At the end of the night, the pair who bowled most over their combined average wins. I'm not really sure how we won -- my last game was awful -- but we won!

We had a potluck dinner there too, and I was very pleased with myself. I went to the buffet once and took a very small plate of food -- only things that looked wonderful to me. I took only one dessert! I ate it mindfully and that was it. I was satisfied and didn't really fight any huge urge to run back to the table and stuff myself. I had to walk past the food several more times to get raffle tickets and did give the homemade chocolate chip cookies more than a passing glance, but I really was okay with not having any.

Hey, I can do this.

Therapy Visit #2

This week would normally be a very "dangerous" week for me. I was gone every single evening -- support group, therapy appt, haircut, work...even tonight T and I will be registering couples for the Retrouvaille weekend our community is having. However, every time the mom/wife guilt fairy has popped into my head, I have shushed her firmly. This is one week out of my life, and I will not let stress and guilt drive me to unhealthy behaviors.

I had a very good talk this week with my therapist. I shared my "eating as decompression" theory with her and we chatted about my compulsive/impulsive eating. I told her I haven't binged much at all for the past few weeks, but I sometimes find myself eating something almost unconsciously. I walk past the goodies and work and, almost before I realize it, I'm taking a bite from a cookie. I'm very driven by external cues, so if I come home and T is eating, I immediately want to join him whether I'm hungry or not. She challenged me: the very next time I find myself eating something I had not planned on, I'm to walk over to the sink or trash and throw it away. Eek. I can't imagine doing that if it's something yummy. She asked how I thought I'd feel if I did that and I answered, "Empowered". She said, "Exactly!"

Now I feel as though I'm hyper-aware of everything I eat. I've had a few thoughts pop into my head, but haven't acted on them. For example, R's godmother mailed her an Easter basket of candy. There were some Whoppers in it and I took them to work because no one in our family likes them. The next day I noticed that someone had opened the carton and I started to walk toward them to get one. Then I stopped, literally, in my tracks and thought, "HELLO?!? You brought these in to work because you don't particularly like them!"

Near the end of our session, she said, "It sounds as though the theme "not good enough" has come up a lot for you in life". I had to admit that it had, very often. She told me to journal or write a poem about "not good enough". I haven't started yet, but I've been mulling it over every morning when I walk the dog.

The other morning I weighed 171.2. It's so nice not to have skintight pants anymore.

One more thing I have to share. Last week R said to me, "Mom, I'm finding it so hard to believe in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus because I see so little real magic in the world. When I read books the wizards and fairies seem so real to me, but I look around and I just don't see it." Sometimes I think she is a 70-year-old lady trapped in a 10-year-old's body.

Stunned

I hung up the phone after talking to my sister for 85 minutes and felt absolutely stunned. My beautiful, smart, sweet, wonderful 17-year-old niece started throwing up to lose weight a few months ago -- and has been cutting herself. After losing weight due to the bulimia, she now has her first boyfriend and is spending every second with him, smoking pot and having sex. She had enough credits to graduate from high school last May, but has been taking classes this year so that she could graduate with her friends. Those would be the friends she hasn't seen in weeks, due to the new boyfriend. Her grades, previously all As, are now slipping to Cs and the scholarships being offered by various universities are evaporating. I feel so helpless and scared for her. My sister has had her in therapy, but she refuses to admit that anything is wrong, claiming that she's not engaging in any self-destructive behavior anymore. Then my sister saw a gigantic bandage on her ankle.

To top off my worry, my sister confessed that she also has been harming herself. She started off scratching herself and has now switched to head banging. She gave herself two black eyes a few weeks ago. She's not getting enough sleep, not exercising, AND her husband announced that he's going to leave her "just for a couple of years" so he can move in with his mother and help her pay off her debts. I know...what a family.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I lived closer than 1600 miles away. I wish I could just make everything better. I wrote my niece a long letter telling her of my 25+ year struggle with eating issues and men, and begging her to learn from my mistakes. I don't know if it will do any good, but I had to do something.

Support

Last night I went to the eating disorders support group run by my therapist. I was very nervous when I got there, but thoroughly girded my loins and went in. I grew more and more self conscious as anorexic teenage girl after anorexic teenage girl came in, mothers in tow. I recognized one teen (she was in my preschool storytimes 12 years ago) and her mom. What had I let myself in for? Finally one overweight teen came in -- and I recognized her mother. Oy. I may have bolted except that two women who were at least close to my age came in -- and it was the meeting during the month when parents and loved ones have a separate group. Whew.

It was heartbreaking to listen to these young, beautiful girls talk about eating only one meal a day, being afraid of restaurants, and exercising for hours every day. I just sat there thinking, "Please God, do NOT let this be my daughter six or seven years from now." I feel kind of proud that I was able to offer some concrete suggestions and comments to some of the attendees. One woman told me, "I'm so glad you were here." She is anorexic and bewildered, unable to afford therapy.

On the way home, the first thought that popped into my head was, "Wow, I want to go home and eat." The second thought was, "What? That was weird." I think eating after successfully making it through a stressful situation is a way of decompressing. At the family brunch on Sunday, I didn't overeat a bit. I didn't really eat much at all, actually. However, later at home I had 3 desserts. It was as though I thought "Whew -- it's over. I made it through without bingeing or overeating. Now I can eat." That doesn't really made sense to a sensible person, but until last night it made sense to me. For the rest of the drive home, I considered this new discovery. When I got home, I chatted with T about the meeting and went to sleep. No urge to eat anything at all.

Of Snow and More Snow

I can't believe it's snowing. Well, I CAN believe it -- I just don't want to! The past couple of weeks have been so lovely and snow-free. We still have piles of it, but the roads have been clear and I've not had to worry about falling while walking the dog. Sigh. A white Easter. So festive.

So...about Easter. Last year I wrote in my blog that I "grazed myself into a food coma". I have vague recollections of last year, and I'm determined NOT to do that this year. I've had a really good week working on not procrastinating. I've started a few projects at work that I'd been putting off forever, and when I have the thought "I should do such-and-such or call so-and-so..." I've been doing it rather than writing myself a post-it note and promptly forgetting all about it. No binges this week - no overeating whatsoever. I so didn't want to drag myself from bed to exercise this morning, but fortunately the wee Princess wasn't taking no for an answer when she wanted a walk. After walking her, I prevented total boredom on the elliptical by watching "Prime Suspect". Love that show. I should have been English. Well, I am part English -- in fact, while doing genealogy research my parents discovered that I'm in line for the throne. Of course, I'm around 60th or something, but it's kind of neat to know anyway.

So, back to Easter. Tomorrow I have to whip up two desserts for our post Easter Vigil dinner with the inlaws. Luckily, we talked my MIL into having a lighter dinner, so I'm also making chicken noodle soup. On Sunday we head to the extended family brunch. I have to make raspberry vanilla chip muffins. This is my plan: have a snack before church on Saturday and eat very lightly at dinner afterward. On Sunday, scope out the buffet, take only what looks absolutely fabulous, eat it slowly and mindfully, and stay far, far away from the food for the rest of the day. Chat up the aunts and uncles instead; pretend I'm sociable.

Therapy

I was reading the book Confessions of a Carb Queen, which is a very raw memoir of a woman who went to the Rice Diet Clinic in North Carolina weighing 468.1 pounds and ended up staying for 2 1/2 years, losing 250 pounds or so in the process. It was quite absorbing, though I would have liked more details about how she changed from a person who fell asleep dreaming of food even after her clinic stay to a person who no longer longs for food. Anyway, she had a poem in the book that I just loved:

The jump

is

so

frightening between

where I am

and

where I want to be....

because of all I may become

I will close my eyes and

leap.

---Anonymous

I feel as though today I leapt. I saw my therapist and we wrote out a list of goals. Wow, was it long. Interestingly, her focus is not at all on stopping the binges or food. It's on working on the underlying issues that caused the eating disorder. Huh. Who'd have thought?

She had given me some tests last month and I scored pretty high for having an eating disorder, interpersonal problems, and some other things. I scored almost off the charts for perfectionism and body dissatisfaction. No surprise there whatsoever. I will see her in one week and she asked me to choose one thing from our list of goals to work on. I chose procrastination, so for the next week I am supposed to work on not procrastinating and not needing everything to be perfect (because the two go hand in hand).

In other news, I got an 89, 90, and 97 in bowling, which helped our team win all three games. My average is up to 79 now. In two weeks we have our potluck and the last night until fall. I think I will miss it (HA HA HA HA!). My weekend had its ups and downs. On Saturday we went out to dinner at Logan's Roadhouse. I was already quite hungry when we arrived and we ended up having to wait 75 minutes for a table. By the time we got dinner rolls I could have eaten the table. They serve a humongous bucket of peanuts for you to much on while you wait, but I limited myself to about three because I really wanted to enjoy my dinner. I had only one dinner roll while my 10-year-old ate four! She was quite hungry herself. I really enjoyed my salad, part of my steak, and part of my sweet potato. They have little tiny desserts served in cute little buckets. I had the Nutter Butter Fudgeslide -- about half a cup or so of chocolate mousse with a thin layer of peanut butter topping, and a dollop of whipped cream on top. It was perfect -- just enough sweet and richness. On Sunday, I overate after bowling because I was too hungry, but I didn't binge. Yesterday was fine. I'm getting there.

p.s. I saw four crocuses in our front yard! Wa hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dinner in the Alley

Here is my little C at a dinner we had at the library last night. Yes, she is pointing to a stuffed rat. Every year we divide the staff in half and each half makes a themed dinner for the other half. This year our team's theme was "The Alley". I was a little uncomfortable since it seemed a bit non-PC, but my team was gung-ho for it, so whatever. Our decor was that of a run-down alley, complete with trash, grafitti, a car garage with pin-up calendar (photos of the other team photoshopped onto pin-up bodies), a peep show, winos (mannequins with our bosses' faces on them)....okay, I'm quitting while I'm behind. The other team couldn't stop laughing and we all had a great time stuffing ourselves with loads of food.

I definitely ate too much and paid for it with a tummy ache, a sleepless night, and a grouchy demeanor this morning when I awoke. I definitely didn't eat intuitively. I really ate very little except for ...ahem...the desserts. You knew that was coming, didn't you? Yes, I'm 100% certain that my body didn't want either of the two pieces of cake I ate, or the four cookies, or the half a Twinkie. I didn't even LIKE the Twinkie! Ew. It tasted of chemicals. I could tell the chocolate cake was frosted with canned frosting, yet I finished the piece anyway. Sigh.

I gave myself a pep talk. One meal does not a life ruin. I'm back on track today, eating until satisfied and eating what my body wants. There are loads of leftover goodies in our back room, but looking at them just makes me feel icky.

Normalcy, continued....

....or normality, as they would say in the U.K. :-)

It's almost surreal how totally normal I've been feeling about food and eating. I've lost some weight (172.6 yesterday), which is nice, but even nicer is that I've felt so relaxed about eating. I made cookies twice last weekend for a potluck we attended, and I didn't really care much about eating them or not eating them. I ate a couple on Saturday, and a couple more on Sunday, but I don't feel any particular need to run to the cupboard and eat them all or anything.

On Sunday we had bowling (I got a 68, 105, and 98 -- my average is now 87), and I had eaten lentil soup, potato chips, and a pear for lunch. I'd eaten a bit late because I was busy making the soup and pumpkin bread, so I wasn't really hungry by the time 4:45pm rolled around (which is when we leave for bowling). Usually I'd wrestle with myself --" Should I eat? I know I'll be hungry before 8:15 (which is when we usually get home), but I'm not hungry. Should I buy something at the bowling alley? No, it's all fried and I'm too cheap anyway. AACK! What to do? I think I should eat now in case I get hungry...." etc. -- lots of mental anguish. This past Sunday I just thought, "Eh, I'm not hungry right now. Should I eat? No, because I'm not hungry. I'll probably be starving by 8pm, but I'll either eat there or just wait. Nothing will happen if I wait." I was indeed starving by the time we got home, but I just had a small meal and went to bed. All was good.

Last night we ate pretty early and then stuffed Easter eggs for the annual hunt. The sight of all that candy didn't even faze me. When the girls went to get their dessert, I saw them eating Girl Scout cookies and wandered in to the kitchen. I ate half a no-bake cookie and half a peanut butter cookie, but then thought, "You know, I'm not really hungry. These would taste so much better when I really want them and I'm not just eating them out of habit." So I didn't have any more. I realized when I went to bed that I was hungry, but I was too lazy to get up and eat anything. By morning I was ravenous. As I was walking the dog, I was thinking, "There's no way I can exercise without eating something." Before riding my exercise bike I had a banana, half a piece of pumpkin bread, and a piece of "lite" whole wheat bread, and a smear of peanut butter. Then I got kind of panicky -- eek! I had eaten a bunch of calories and the day had barely started! Maybe I should skip my usual breakfast! Thankfully, my reasonable self piped up with, "Chick! Chill! So what? You were hungry and you ate -- that's totally what normal people do!" I was still hungry after exercising, showering, and dressing, so I ate my usual breakfast and that was that.

So, I've been concentrating on really listening to my body and what it is hungry for. Last night I barely ate 1/4 of my baked potato (granted, I think it was a mutant potato because it was gigantic), half my chicken breast, and a bit of mixed vegetables and I was REALLY full. I still had lots of food on my plate, but I just sat there with the feeling that I should be cleaning my plate and ignoring it. Mom didn't always know best.

On Saturday, T and I had a "writing day" for Retrouvaille. After couples attend the initial weekend, they have 12 post talks that follow up on the things they learned. Last fall T and I wrote one of the talks and gave it. It was pretty rewarding and the community really needs more post talk presenters, so we decided to write another talk. It's rather amusing that our talk is on sex and intimacy. My sweet dh can't even say the word SEX, so I was really curious to see how he did with writing about it. The day was long, but we just about finished the talk and he did okay with it. Now, to see him actually read his talk -- that will be another thing. I am going to push T to do more writing. Retrouvaille teaches a tool called dialogue, which involves writing and sharing your feelings without judgment from your spouse. I always feel wrung out yet peaceful after I've done a whole day of writing, but even doing one question is very helpful for me. When you write, you have to identify your feelings, and that's something I really wrestle with. Having to write down my feelings forces me to really think about what exactly they are. I keep thinking that one of these years I won't have to stare at the "feeling words" list for several minutes before I can choose one!

Normalcy Reigns

I've been having several "normal" days...those days when you think "Why would I ever eat half a package of Girl Scout cookies and make myself feel that icky?" I've been trying to puzzle out why I feel so calm, but can't really put my finger on it. I've been exercising and not overeating and just feeling good. I made two batches of homemade chocolate chip cookies and didn't feel the slightest urge to gobble down any dough or more than one baked cookie. I even started my period and no PMS. Except migraines for three days in a row -- the usual. I tried the new medication my doctor gave me (Maxalt) and WOW! That stuff is fabulous! I want to kiss the researcher who came up with it. I take one tablet and my migraine completely disappears within an hour. No more taking to my bed in agony with prayer and Tylenol PM.

I skipped yoga last week. I can't really say exactly why, but I don't want to go anymore. I tried to tell T I wanted to quit, but he doesn't want me to. Perhaps this is terribly dishonest of me, but I'm going to leave the house and do something else for the final couple of weeks. I probably will end up telling him the truth anyway. I did enjoy yoga, but as the weeks went on there was a lot of ....well, being upside down, for lack of a better description. I HATE that "blood rushing to your head" feeling. I always feel terribly hot and just yucky. Ugh.

We are already planning our summer vacation. T's mom's family is having a reunion in Wisconsin over the fourth of July weekend and it sounds as though 50 or 60 people will be there. His cousin has a cottage (VERY large house) on a lake there and will host the gathering. She even offered us a room in the house -- woo hoo! Free lodging is always good. I really enjoy most of this part of the family, though I dread going if I'm still this size. The last time many of them saw me was in a size 6 dress at a wedding.

T's brother and wife are coming from London and we're planning to drive up to Mackinac Island for a couple of days before heading across the U.P. to Wisconsin. I hope some of the rest of T's family comes with us. Some of our best vacations have been with his parents and all of his siblings. I know that probably sounds odd if you don't get along with your inlaws, but we all had a blast when we went to Washington D.C. one year for a wedding, and we used to love going to Notre Dame every year for a football weekend. We all had a great time seeing Ireland together too.

Enough babbling. My dh is home from basketball and I have to get to bed. 4:45am comes awfully early -- especially when you have to walk the dog in a snowstorm. Oh, how I long to see a snowdrop instead of snowflakes!

Ups and Downs

Wow -- it takes one a while to recover from vacation, doesn't it? I'm still very behind on reading the blogs I subscribe to, and my laundry is everywhere!

First, a funny: we were going to have "family movie night" on Saturday night and told the girls to go get their pajamas on after dinner. T and I went into our bedroom and locked it because we were planning to be "busy" for a bit. C, who was in the process of changing, heard the dog scratching on our door and came to open it for her. Finding it was locked, she called to me to open it. I called back that I was changing into my pajamas and would be out in a minute. In an exasperated tone she called back, "MOM!! Can't you just open the door?!? Come ON! I'm naked too!"

I went to the symphony with my dad on Friday. I'm too cheap to pay for the parking ramp so I made him walk about half a mile from the car to the hall. It was kind of icy on the sidewalk and all I could think of while we were walking was that he was going to fall and break something and it would be all my fault. The music was lovely. They played something by Mozart, which was okay but not fabulous. There was a guest pianist from Argentina to play Beethoven's Concerto No. 2, which was wonderful. The second half was all music from Porkofiev's Romeo and Juliet, which was fantastic. All in all, a nice evening.

So, I will quit procratinating and confess that I binged for two days after seeing the therapist, and my weight is right back up to 176.8 or something like that. I was better yesterday and (so far) today. I wondered if maybe I was worried that she was going to "make" me stop using food, but I don't really think that was my problem. I think honestly that I am scared because this is IT. She is the REAL DEAL -- a therapist who specializes in people with eating disorders. So what if I can't figure out why I do this to myself? What if I never uncover the reason? What if I do uncover the reason and still can't stop? What if I'm never normal? Frightening. We really didn't get into much in our first session -- it was mainly background stuff, but I felt like a freak describing my weird family of origin. I won't see her again until mid March because she's going on vacation and is booked up prior to going out of town. However, she does have a support group that meets twice a month. I can't go tonight, but can go in two weeks. I'm curious to find out what it's like.

The Happiest Place On Earth

At the risk of sounding terribly corny, we had a truly magical vacation. The start and end were rough, but the days we spent at WDW were wonderful. We woke up at 3:30am and drove to the airport only to find that our flight had been delayed 3 hours, ensuring that we'd miss our connecting flight in Chicago. We had to be re-routed through Denver, with an arrival time in Orlando at midnight. Fortunately, we made it on an earlier flight (yea standby!) and got to Orlando only three hours late.

After we got settled and ate some dinner, we headed to Epcot. We got right on the two rides we really wanted with no wait and stayed to watch Illuminations, the fireworks/laser light show. In the mornings, we did what the guidebooks advised and arrived at the parks before they opened. Seeing the opening "show" was really neat and added to the excitement. We spent the mornings and early afternoons at one park, went back to the resort for a nap and a swim, and then headed out to a different park later in the day.

I swear, it was like we were charmed! We never waited more than 20 minutes for any ride or for the bus. We only used their FASTPASS system a few times, and that worked really well for the few rides that had long lines when we got to them. The girls met so many characters that they filled up their entire autograph books. The weather was GORGEOUS -- warm, sunny, and lovely. It rained for about three minutes one day, but otherwise was perfect. The highlights for C were meeting Ariel, riding Test Track at Epcot, swimming, and eating breakfast with the Disney princesses. R loved every roller coaster, meeting Cinderella, and being chosen to be the captain of the boat on the Jungle Cruise. T and I really enjoyed Animal Kingdom -- the Kilimanjaro Safari was really incredible.

Soarin' at Epcot was one of my favorite rides, though to be honest, every ride was fun. Disney does an awesome job with atmosphere. Every ride has great "decor", so you feel entertained even while waiting in line. The shows were fun too -- we saw Beauty and the Beast, Nemo, The Lion King, Turtle Talk with Crush, the Monsters Inc Comedy Club, and several of the 3-D movies. C got a bit scared at "Honey I Shrunk the Audience", but otherwise she was game to do everything. She rode just about every ride she was tall enough for and loved the roller coasters we went on.

I forgot to leave a tip for "mousekeeping" the first day, but after I remembered to do so on the following days, we arrived "home" to find little surprises each day. The first day, our maid arranged all of the stuffed animals as though they were watching cartoons, with the remote in one paw. On subsequent days, she left little washcloth animals for the girls, which they delighted in (pictured above). Note to self: never forget the tip!

I never walked so much in my life! According to my pedometer, we walked 8-10 miles every day. My knees, shins, and feet were so sore I thought I'd need a knee replacement by the time we got home. As for my eating....well, it could have been better. On the Disney Dining Plan, you get a snack, a counter meal, and a sit-down meal each day. We used our snack for breakfast, since you could get a bagel with peanut butter or a muffin. I had a bagel each day. Our lunches were pretty healthy -- mostly sandwiches, with fruit or carrot and celery sticks swapped for the fries, cole slaw or chips. They were really good about allowing swaps. Unfortunately, each lunch came with dessert, so we had dessert twice a day (since dinner also came with a dessert). We didn't snack at all, but three or four of our dinners were buffets, and each had about 10 dessert choices. I left at least three of the buffets feeling overfull. Ugh.

We went to check out and leave our luggage with the "Magical Express" people, planning to use our final four lunches and snacks to have a leisurely breakfast prior to going to the airport. Unfortunately, we discovered that United (never flying them again!) had changed our flight time (and didn't notify us of the fact) and not only did we have to take our own luggage to the airport, but we had to get on the bus to the airport immediately or risk missing our flight. ARGH! R and I raced inside to grab muffins and we barely got on the bus to the airport. We spent about $50 we wouldn't have had to spend, using curbside check-in and buying lunch at the airport in Chicago. Our flight from Chicago had been changed too, so we didn't arrive home until 7pm or so. We arrived to 15 degree temperatures and lots of new snow. Yippee.

Today is my appointment with the therapist who specializes in BED. I'll let you know how it goes!

Back From Our Weekend

Wow...hanging out with couples who are 10 and 15 years younger than you can really make you feel your age! We had a fun weekend, but I am really tired. I am quite proud of myself because I didn't allow my anxious and insecure feelings to interfere with normal eating this past weekend. There was definitely some snacking going on, but nothing out of hand. I was so worried about feeling fat and frumpy, but I realized when we arrived at the cabin that three of the women there are my size or a size larger. After dinner on Friday, we all went out to a casino. Gambling isn't really my thing, so I took a book to read by the fire (it was a resort, not just a casino). I felt like an old lady -- especially after I fell asleep while reading. After the casino, I thought we'd all go to bed -- it was midnight after all. We got back to the cabin and played games and drank (I drank water -- they drank beer and mixed drinks) until 4am! T and I had been up for 24 hours at that point. We all finally went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8:30am. Ahhh...when you're only 28, the ability you have to bounce back quickly is amazing!

On Saturday we had breakfast, played in the snow (another girl and I stayed indoors chatting), went bowling, ate dinner out, and went back to the cabin for more games and drinking. By 10pm I felt really tired and went to lay down. They all stayed up til 1am. I tried to sleep, but the cabin was really just a large open room with a loft, so their laughter and music kept me awake til 1am also. Thankfully, everyone slept in until 8 or so on Sunday. We decided to start for home in the late morning because the temperature was below zero with 40 m.p.h. winds. The drive home was long and stressful. Since we stopped for breakfast/lunch, we got home around 2pm.

All in all, it was fun, though I wavered between really trying hard and just feeling like I wanted to go to bed. I hope they didn't think I was an old fuddy duddy. Luckily, the hostess is also a non-drinker so I didn't feel pressure to join in with the alcohol. She also doesn't enjoy the snow much, so I didn't feel too ancient staying inside instead of going out to sled behind quad runners (which, frankly, scares the *^!% out of me since breaking my leg). I didn't even embarrass myself too badly in bowling -- got a 103 one game and beat two of the guys. I suppose I would have felt kind of old even if I weighed 120. Speaking of weight, I weighed 174.6 this morning -- four pounds less than last week. I'm glad because I felt like I really ate "normally" last week. I didn't restrict my eating, but tried not to eat when I wasn't hungry and tried to stick with my 3 meals and 2 snacks.

The hostess this past weekend was the only one of us who isn't overweight at all. She left food on her plate at every meal, except when she served herself. I don't know if she's a restrained eater or an intuitive eater. To give you an example, when we went out Saturday night she ordered the burger and fries platter, but asked to have them leave off the fries. She cut her burger in half and ate about 2/3 of it -- and it was only a 1/4 lb burger. At breakfast on the way home, she left at least half of her meal behind. She didn't snack much at all. I saw her eat a brownie and a couple of Little Debbie peanut butter bars, but never saw her eat chips, crackers, or nuts at all. Interesting.

Thank you for your comment Isabelle -- you're always very kind. You know, sometimes I think I would be fine at this weight (...or maybe just a BIT smaller... :-)) if I just had a normal relationship with food. If I could just eat without all of the baggage attached, I'd be much happier. Maybe with the therapist's help, it will happen.

I may not be able to post again until we return from Disney World. I'm quite excited to be escaping the snow, and (fingers crossed) the weather forecast looks promising.

Feeling Those Feelings Again

Today is one of those days when I just want to eat all day long. I've been doing well this whole week with the "eating only my planned meals and snacks" idea. Though I haven't really been restricting my calories, I haven't binged or even overeaten much. I think my anxiety today is due to the upcoming weekend. I'm looking forward to two days off because I've worked 13 in a row, but I wish I were going to be vegging in a chair instead of driving north with friends. We are going "up north" to a cabin on Lake Michigan tonight for the weekend with four other couples. I wish I were excited. I wish I felt happy about it. All I can think about is how fat I look. I feel grumpy and crabby and chubby.

I don't really like going to clubs, I'm a terrible dancer, I don't really drink, I like to go to bed early and get up with the chickens, and I'd much rather go to a movie than a party. T loves to stay up late and drink and "party" with large groups of people. Don't get me wrong -- he's never done drugs in his life and doesn't have any addictions -- but he loves a good beer or two or three when we go out. He usually drinks enough that he doesn't feel comfortable driving home.

What I wonder though is -- do I really not like going to parties or do I only not like it when I am fat? When we first started dating, I tried. I put on the "sparkly party girl" personality and went to all of the parties we were invited to. I wasn't skinny then, but I was almost 30 lbs skinnier than I am now. After we had R, I felt even less like going to bars and parties, but I encouraged him to go without me. It was so bad that his coworkers teased him that I only existed in the picture in his wallet. Was it all insecurity about my weight or was part of it just me? Am I really a shy introvert or am I just self conscious about my body. It's hard to separate the two because I've been insecure about my weight since I was 15.

When my husband and I were separated, I hardly ate and lost a bunch of weight very quickly. I started doing aerobics again and lost even more. I was a size 8, then a size 6. I was desperate to save my marriage. I started going to every single party and concert and get together we were invited to. I drank vodka and diet coke at a Kid Rock concert and "flashed" because T jokingly suggested it. I ingratiated myself with all of his coworkers and their wives. I organized group outings to see the local improv group, to go out to dinner, and to go to see Tina and Tony's Wedding (which was HILARIOUS, BTW). I danced at all of his coworkers' weddings and called up all of the deputies' wives for "girls night out". I was "super outgoing wife" supreme. Was it me? Well, no. I was forcing myself to do it. However, I had a great time most of the time. I felt sexy, confident, and popular.

Even after we got back together, we kept up a busy social life, albeit not at the same breakneck pace. Then I broke my leg. We still went to some weddings and other outings. I even went to a wedding using a walker and didn't feel too embarrassed. Then I gained forty pounds. I am again in hermit mode, ashamed of my weight gain and ashamed of my body. We still go do things we're invited to do, but I haven't organized anything in ages. I know it's silly. I know that if these people really like me, they'll like me whether I weigh 136 or 178. I still feel like hiding in my house.

On An Upswing

In spite of feeling rather queasy all weekend, I'm feeling pretty upbeat today. I was getting nervous that I might be pg because I have been so tired and now was queasy. However, my fears were allayed today. Whew.

I saw my new doctor for a "getting to know you" visit today. She was wowed by my impressive surgical history and my low blood pressure. She is sending me to have a blood test for lipids, CA125, sugar, etc., and a vaginal ultrasound. I just had one in May, but since I'm seeing her for a physical in April she wants me to have one done before then. I broached the subject of having my ovaries removed, but she'd really like to see me wait until menopause. I felt a little uneasy because she was surprised to heat that a BRCA1+ mutation confers a higher risk of ovarian cancer, but maybe she's never had a BRCA1+ patient. I got a new prescription for migraine medication too. I had such a bad headache the other night that I took some of my leftover Vicodin (it's actually expired, but I figure it's still okay, right?). I spoke to her about my eating issues and she said she has a patient who is in a support group that has been very helpful. She said she'd look up the info for me if I can't get in to see a psychologist, or even if I do see one.

I called the psychologist I wrote about last time and made an appointment for Feb 20. I'm nervous, but mostly I feel really relieved. I had a totally normal weekend, as far as eating goes -- feeling queasy probably helped with that though. I ate my meals and snacks and nothing in between. Actually, yesterday I didn't even eat snacks or lunch. We went out to breakfast late and I wasn't hungry til 6pm or so.

Thank you for your supportive comments on my last post. It's funny -- I am a very competitive person, but in yoga I'm so focused on trying to get the pose right that I don't really even notice the other women in the room. Most of them are my age or older and not exactly slim, which probably helps me not to feel inadequate or judged. The thing I worry most about is when the teacher says the name of the pose and I think, "AACK! Which one is that?!?"

Seeking Help

Is this perimenopause? Every month around the time my period is due to start, I feel incredibly exhausted. I feel as though I took a sleeping pill and can barely keep my eyes open. For the past few months I've also experienced a few days in a row of migraine headaches. Oh, the joy of being female. I'm at work today (another long stretch...day 7 of 13 in a row) and I feel as though I could just crawl under my desk and sleep.

Yoga this week was great. Wow -- I can't believe something so calm can make me so overheated. My knee wasn't sore even after exercising yesterday, but today it is. I did share my past injury with my teacher, but she really just said not to do anything that hurts. It doesn't hurt at the time of the class, just gets sore later. I'll miss the next two weeks due to R's school concert and our vacation to WDW. I hope I don't feel completely lost when I return.

Last night I hosted six of my coworkers for a potluck. It was the first time most of them had ever been to my house and it was really odd showing them around. I've never been to most of their houses and I couldn't help wondering what they thought. I ate WAY too much and went to bed feeling really uncomfortable. I have to (again) face the fact that even though I haven't been bingeing for the past six weeks, I have NOT been eating intuitively. I've been grazing throughout the day when I'm not hungry, and just eating whatever I felt like eating. I haven't been overeating at meals (except for last night), but I've been snacking on too many nuts and carbs like Fiber One Honey Clusters and milk or whole wheat bread and peanut butter. Yes, it sounds healthy, but too many calories = tight clothing no matter how healthy the excess calories are.

I weighed myself this morning. I haven't gotten on the scale for a really long time -- since October maybe? Wow. I weighed 178.6. Wow. I am almost up to my highest weight ever (182 when I was a freshman in college). I can't imagine what I'd weigh if I didn't exercise so much. I happened upon a book called Binge No More by Joy Nash and was perusing it over the past few days. One thing she says is that intuitive eating is all well and good, but telling a person with BED that you should eat whenever you're hungry isn't very useful. That works well for someone who has had a chronic dieting problem, but not for someone with a chronic eating problem. She thinks the first step in recovery is to eat three planned meals and two snacks, and limit your eating to those times. Don't limit WHAT you eat for now, but eat only at your planned times, and place a time limit on those times (30 minutes for a meal, for example). That prevents you from grazing all day long or constantly having to ask yourself "Am I really hungry?". You also keep a sheet with what you ate, what time you ate, your feelings and activity at the time, and whether or not it turned into a binge.

I was REALLY unhappy when I was skinny. I was happy with the way I looked, but I was miserable about the fact that I overexercised and constantly thought about food. I am also REALLY unhappy right now. Yes, I'm unhappy with my weight, but I still constantly think about food. I'm going to start working on the suggestions in Nash's book today. I have resisted keeping any kind of food sheet because I equated it with my days of constant hunger. However, if I know that I'm only going to eat my planned meals and snacks, I think it will feel less intrusive.

We switched insurance this year and I found a psychology office that participates in our insurance and has a woman who treats BED. I'm going to call Monday and see if I need some sort of referral or if I can just make an appointment. It's time I sought out some help from a professional.