Time for a Change?

It's been a while since I've gotten excited about a new way of eating -- dare I say "diet"? So, I guess it's time. I'm being facetious, but I do feel kind of "stuck" lately. I saw the movie "Forks Over Knives", and wow, it provided a lot of food for thought (ha ha -- no pun intended!). After watching it I wanted to run out and buy a bunch of vegetables and throw all of the chips and sugar in my kitchen straight into the trash can. Reality intruded when I realized the revolt my family would stage if I announced I was never again going to cook their beloved (nitrate free, locally raised) bacon, or buy sugary cereal. Over the past 18 months or so, I've evolved into a more vegetarian cooking style, and I've introduced my childen to the love of hummus and lentil sloppy joes. I only cook meat a couple of times a week (and I don't usually eat any), but whenever we go to a restaurant, they celebrate with steaks the size of a dinner plate, BLTs, fried chicken strips, and french fries. I always thought I couldn't totally be vegan because I like yogurt so much, but the movie kind of turned me off dairy products.

I have lost and gained the same 8 lbs or so over and over again for that same time period. Stuck. After Dr. John McDougall was mentioned in the movie, I did an online search to find out about him, and interloaned his books from the library. They're pretty dated, but intriguing. His book on reversing heart disease is enough to scare the fat right off you, though he offers a lot of hope in the form of patients who went on his diet and reversed their disease. I don't have heart disease (maybe I do, but I don't know it if so...), so I checked out his other books, and liked what I read for the most part. He advocates a vegan diet with whole grains, starchy vegetables & legumes, fruit, and non-starchy vegetables, fruit, no caffeine, very little salt and sugar, and no fat. None. That part...well, I wonder if he still pushes that since studies were published 8 years ago (or so) showing how fat helps the body absorb all of the good stuff from the veggies.

His ideas appeal to me more than Dr. Joel Fuhrman because of the grains & starchy veggies. I was trying to force down gigantic salads and huge bowls of vegetables and avoid bread, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, butternut squash, potatoes, and other things I adore. Dr. F advises only 1 cup of whole grains OR starchy vegetables a day, and that was used up with my morning oatmeal. Dr. M is a bit vague on specific serving sizes, but from what I gather, he would recommend that your mealtime plate be 1/3 starchy vegetable or legume, 1/3 whole grain, and 1/3 green/yellow vegetable. If you want to lose weight more quickly, change it to 1/2 green/yellow veg, avoid bread & pasta, and limit fruit to 2 per day.

I still have the dessert problem to contend with, but he writes in the book that if you eat your starchy vegetables and grains, you won't crave something sweet after your meal. I thought that was ridiculous -- he has obviously never met me -- but I admit that it's kind of true. I've been eating "Dr M" type lunches this week, and haven't had that immediate "now I need chocolate" urge after lunch. I also didn't get that hollow, OMG I'm STARVING feeling at 4pm that I usually have at work. I don't think I've lost any weight -- maybe a little -- but I made a pact not to weigh myself until at least January 1. It was making me slightly crazy, and I don't need that.

I want to try out this way of eating more seriously, but I think I'll add in a few nuts with my vegetables, especially if I eat greens. It's a little easier right now because my husband is working nights and doesn't want to eat dinner with us (since it's breakfast time for him), so I can whip up something really simple for the girls and a different dinner for me. I haven't been baking much because my teenage daughter is trying to stay away from dairy in hopes it will help with her complexion, so I don't have a lot of tempting baked goods around. It will be a whole different ballgame when Tim goes back to days in a couple of months. There are, however, some really tasty sounding recipes in the McDougall cookbook and in this books, so maybe it will all work out if I stick with it.

Acceptance

You have heard (read?) me whingeing about work many times on this blog. I came back this past summer from my vacation feeling dread, rather than returning with the usual enthusiasm I regain while on a break. I was absolutely miserable. I felt crabby and didn't want to be there. I felt dismay that I'd have to work at least 15 more years, mostly unhappy about it. THEN, I had...well, I guess an epiphany, for lack of a better word. An online friend of mine posted on FB that she'd counseled a client of hers (she's a life coach) that she didn't have to fret so much about her situation, she simply had to accept it. Huh. Accept it. Yes, I could do that. I can't change the circumstances at work that have made me dislike it so often, and I can't change my lazy coworkers. However, I can accept the fact that I can't change those things, and simply try to enjoy the time I'm there for the reasons I DO like it. I love helping people, I love the kids, I love doing storytime, I love seeing new books, I love setting up a nice display, and I really do enjoy most of my coworkers. I accept the fact that there are things I loathe, and that's that.

Breaking Out of My Comfort Zone

Um, yea...that bloodwork? Still haven't gone. I'm seeing my doctor on Monday for my yearly checkup and I'm not excited about the lecture I'll get. It's totally out of character for me to avoid knowing my cholesterol level. I'm the first one to run to the doctor with a suspicious bump on my skin, convinced it's skin cancer. I never miss a yearly checkup, and I jumped at the chance to have genetic testing eleven years ago. I almost always do everything I'm told to do to recover from an injury or surgery. I just feel like my risks for heart attack or stroke are low. Yes, my cholesterol is probably high, but my blood pressure is normal, I eat lots of veggies, fruits, beans (and not much meat), and I exercise every day. I don't drink, smoke, or do recreational drugs. I'm going to bring these facts up to my doctor and see what she says. She'll probably point out that I'm overweight.

I am doing a decent job of trying to push the boundaries of my comfort lately. I signed up for golf lessons in the spring, and actually made it through all six. I've gone through these particular lessons twice previously and skipped at least two of them each session. I got all panicky that I wasn't good enough, was going to be stared at or thought of as a bad golfer, or chastized by the teacher for not practicing, or I was just too tired to go....or whatever. This time I talked an acqaintance into signing up with me so that I HAD to go (we rode together), and I signed up on Saturday morning, so I didn't have the "too tired" excuse. I took vacation time on the two Saturdays that I would have had to work, so it all worked out. I was pretty proud of myself for making it through the lessons, and when the instructor mentioned the Wednesday night beginners golf league he runs, I was tempted to join. I dismissed the idea, since I'm not a good golfer. After all, if you aren't good at something, why bother? (has truly always been my secret thought in the past about...well, about pretty much everything) However, my friend Julie asked if I wanted to be her partner in the league and "yes" popped out of my mouth. Oh. My. Word. The first week of play I was sooooo incredibly nervous and scared and panicked. But, it was fine. Totally fine. Yes, I'm bad. So is my partner (she's actually worse than I am, most weeks). Big deal. It's a beginners' league, so we're expected to be bad. Everyone we've played so far has been very gracious and patient. I feel so confident now that when my dh asked me if I was planning to play in his dad's family's 86th annual golf tournament, I said yes without any hesitation.

We joined the neighborhood weight loss challenge again this summer, and they added a new component. We get points for showing up to a weekly exercise activity on Sunday afternoons. The first week's activity was beach volleyball. Let me tell you, the last time I had played volleyball was at least 20 years ago. I went to a game with my then-boyfriend, who pressured me into playing in spite of my protestations that I was awful and didn't want to play. Sure enough, I didn't hit the ball once. Not one single solitary time. At first there was laughter -- nervous laughter on my part and "isn't this fun?" laughter on the part of the other players. As the game went on, there were fewer laughs and more sympathetic looks from others, as I got hotter and hotter with mortification. There was grim silence when the game finally, mercifully ended. So, you can understand my reticence about playing with my neighbors. Not to mention the whole "not allowed to jump, run, hop after shattering leg" thing. They told me I could just show up and get points without playing (they all know about my leg), so even my dh was quite surprised when I said I'd try playing. I figured that since it was on sand, my knee might be okay. And it was. My knee was pretty sore the next day, but playing was fine. I wasn't great, but I wasn't horrible. I hit the ball quite a few times and wasn't a total disgrace to my team. It was even kind of fun. Kind of. My dh was very proud of me for playing and I was too.

Spring!

Ah spring! I have hyacinth, Grecian wildflowers, and crocus coming up in my yard, which is always very cheering. However, rabbits or deer or squirrels seem to have dug up most of my crocuses. Annoying. I'm so sick of the stationary bike and elliptical and I can't wait for it to be just a bit warmer, so I can bike outside.

My March commitment to eating for health wavered a bit. On the one hand, I've been eating more vegan meals than ever -- even when eating out, I have looked for a vegan or at least vegetarian option. I've walked 10,000+ steps a day on most days, as well as doing cardio on the stat bike or elliptical 5-6 days a week. On the other hand...I had a few episodes of overeating. I won't call them binges because I didn't end up eating so much that I made myself sick. It was more like consciously choosing to overeat because I was anxious/bored/feeling powerless. I had days when I chose not to use food and I felt so strong and capable of dealing with any and all emotions that I wondered why on earth I ever chose the opposite. Then there were the days when I ate another piece of toast, another piece of dessert, another whatever until I was way overfull and feeling hopeless that I'll ever be a normal eater. Our neighborhood contest ended (whew) and we came in last place this time. I lost 7 lbs and dh lost 20 or so, but everyone else was far more into it this time. That's okay -- if we'd won a second time, I would have felt guilty. I ended March weighing pretty much the same as I did at the beginning, which is okay, but not very exciting.

I've been reading the revised version of Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I'm not sure what is revised about it. It's been a while since I read the original, so I don't remember it all that well. Anyway, you certainly can't argue with the results. People with cholesterol levels below 100 (that's TOTAL cholesterol!)? Yes, please! However, I just can't imagine being able to eat only two grain servings a day and no bread, no pancakes, no ice cream. Well, he does say you can eat those things occasionally, but that you should stick to a vegan, super low fat diet 90% of the time. I have gotten to the point that I eat 2 servings of fruit, 6+ servings of vegetables, and 1/2-1 cup of beans on most days. I've cut way back on cheese, having only a sprinkle of feta on my pizza or salad occasionally. I eat meat only about once every few weeks, if that. I can't really remember the last time I did eat it. I've been using unsweetened almond milk in my morning oatmeal. I am still enjoying greek yogurt though; I just don't care for soy yogurts. I probably eat too much nut butter, and have still been eating too much sugar. Dessert -- my eternal temptation. I have only 1/2tsp of sugar in my morning cup of coffee, and none in my oatmeal as long as I have half a banana to cook into it, but still long to eat ice cream, cookies, and graham crackers. I had chocolate in my cupboard for so long that it went past the "good by" date, but if cookies are around, I have difficulty sticking to just one and difficulty not eating one or more every day. I'm still hoping that I can move even closer to the "Eat to Live" way of eating. My doctor is sending me for bloodwork and, since I haven't been taking my cholesterol medication on any sort of regular basis, I'm a bit nervous to see what the results will be.

I decided last week that I'd treat my carnivorous family to a week of meat-filled meals. They had been uncomplainingly eating meatless meals for weeks, so I wanted to treat them. I made steak, roast, pork chops, ribs, and bacon all in the space of ten days. That didn't work out too well for anyone except my husband. My 13-year-old announced that she wanted to become a vegetarian after watching a movie in school about slaughterhouses, and my 8-year-old ate only a bite of two of each meat. Today she told me that she is a vegetarian. Huh. At least that daughter likes beans. So, I am back to meatless meals most of the time. Poor dh will have to get his meat fixes when we eat out. I will cook meat for them sometimes -- they both still love bacon -- but mostly will skip it. Here is one recipe that was a fair success with all. They ate it with flour tortillas:

Ethiopian Vegetable Stew -- makes 6 cups
1T of olive oil
4 c coarsely chopped cabbage
3 c chopped onions
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp turmeric
2 c water
2T tomato paste (did you know you can buy tomato paste in a tube? genius!)
3 c carrot chunks (1 1/2-2-inch pieces)
3 c green beans (about 1/2lb)
1 1/2c potato chunks
1/2 tsp salt (I left it out and let people salt at the table)
1/4 tsp black pepper
Heat the oil over medium-high and add cabbage, onions, and garlic, Cook about 4 min, til cabbage is wilted. Stir in turmeric.

Add water and tomato paste; stir until combined. Add the carrots and green beans. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, 1 1/4 hours. Add the potatoes, salt, and pepper; simmer, covered 25-30 minutes longer. Add 1/4c additional water, if necessary.

I think this would have been good with eggplant, summer squash, or zucchini added too, though I wouldn't put it in until you add the potatoes. Otherwise, mush. This picture doesn't make it look all that appealing, but it was tasty. The lighting in our house is TERRIBLE. Everything looks yellow.

More Ups and Downs

I really wanted to give up something for lent, but giving up sweets last year didn't work out so well. I was successful, but ate way too many sweets on Sundays (which aren't technically part of lent -- doesn't that seem like a cop out?). I debated trying to eat a healthy vegan diet for lent, but in the end, didn't want to do anything that might trigger restriction panic. I decided to try and eat vegan four days a week. I started Ash Wednesday, and wow, is it far more difficult than I had envisioned! I wanted a few chocolate chips on a graham cracker, but the chips had "milk solids" in the ingredients, so that was out. I bought some bread at Great Harvest, but it had egg yolks in the ingredients, so that was out. I swear I never wanted Greek yogurt so badly as I did on Thursday, though I usually go days without having any. Thankfully, my family has eaten three vegan dinners in a row without complaint. None were incredibly successful, though they seemed to like the "shepherd's pie" pretty well. I can say with certainty that sticking to a vegan diet for life would be extremely hard for me.

Lately, I've been up and down more than a roller coaster. In my weekly weigh-ins for the neighborhood contest (which is, thankfully, almost over), I've been up one pound, down 1.5 lbs, up 2 pounds, down 1 lb, etc, etc. Overall, I've lost 7.4 lbs since January 1, which isn't thrilling, but isn't anything to weep over. Unfortunately, I can't say that my eating has been stellar. I usually eat very healthfully Mon-Thurs, but fall apart after the Friday weigh-in. That's why I'm glad the contest is almost over. I want to get back to not feeling pressured to lose weight. It is fun to do this with my neighbors because it makes me feel like part of a group, but I sort of hope dh doesn't want to do it this summer if they start it up again. At least he isn't as determined to win this time. He doesn't really care how we do - he just wants to lose a bit of weight. He isn't really overweight - maybe 5-10 lbs?

I have gotten really good at pinpointing exactly why I want to eat when I'm not hungry, though I don't always let that awareness keep me from doing it. Unfortunately, too many times it's because I don't want to do something. I need to just do it - whatever it may be. Or not do it, and not feel guilty about it. Sometimes you just need to lie around on the couch and read a book.

I just finished a book called Hungry, by Allen Zadoff. It was a very interesting read, though it seems that he decided that his problem was a lack of willpower, and only abstinence could save him. He never names them, but it seemed like he joined OA. He is not a believer of "everything in moderation", but rather thinks that compulsive eaters need to abstain from sugar -- or whatever foods trigger them. Anyway, one thing he said that I identified with was that he always rationalized that he stayed home because he was too fat. I'm paraphrasing from memory here, but he thought he didn't socialize or date because he was too fat - but the real reason was that he was out of control with his eating. When I feel like I'm spiraling out of control, or have had some "bad" days of mindless munching and/or overeating and/or bingeing, I just want to put on my pjs after work and not go anywhere. I don't even want to run the errands that I really NEED to run. I just want to hibernate. I think I don't want to go to so-and-so's tupperware party because I feel fat, but it's really because I feel out of control. I am scared that I will inhale the entire snack table and sit there feeling bloated and miserable, because the truth is that I already feel miserable before I go. Here's to fewer of those days, and more....normal....days.

A Month of (Mostly) Healthy Eating

Wow -- it's February 2, and I've eaten to nourish my body instead of eating to abuse it for an entire month. It didn't really seem very difficult. Making the effort to make sure I am eating at least five servings of vegetables every day definitely makes a difference. As does making an effort to cut way back on eating sugar and snack-type carbohydrates. I've been sauteeing a big batch of vegetables every few days and putting them in the fridge. Then I can just put a bunch into a large bowl, add in half a cup or so of a whole grain, squirt on some sriracha, and plop on half a cup of beans for some protein. I also finally found some nutritional yeast, though I had to buy it online. I don't really think it adds a "cheesy" flavor though -- maybe I'm not using enough.

Anyway, my resolution to eat dessert only once a week has had only spotty success, but eating one square of dark chocolate in a day isn't really going to hurt me too much. I've been exercising, but not too much, and cooking my family more vegetarian meals than they'd like to eat. They're very good about it though. I had only one small setback during the month. We have to weigh in on Fridays for our neighborhood contest, and I got on the scale last Friday to see a .4 lb gain. It was temporary - we'd gone to eat at a French Bistro the night before, where I'd overindulged in French cheese and flatbread pizza with carmelized onions and goat cheese. However, I allowed the stupid number to get me down, and I went into a bit of a tailspin. I overate snacks, chocolate, and cookies at a scrapbooking crop I hosted that evening, and continued overeating the next day. That evening, I had a stern "talking to" with my inner critic, and successfully shut her up. I went back to healthier eating the next day and have been okay since then.

I feel really good. I think keeping my blood sugar on an even keel and eating food that is good for me has helped me be less crabby, and my knees haven't been hurting as much. I've also been my old, energetic self. On to month two!

New Start Update

I still feel great! I've been focusing on eating sugar only sparingly and I must admit that I'm falling asleep more quickly (I was having some wicked insomnia in December), and no longer feeling sleepy in the afternoons. I've stuck to my decision to eat 5+ servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit every day, and I've not been going hungry. I seriously think that the secret to being satisfied with less food is to eat lots of greens and beans. In my quest to eat a mostly plant based diet, I've been eating beans almost every day, and when I have a nice vegetable stir fry with a bit of olive oil and a half cup of beans thrown in, it is tasty and filling. There have been many days when I haven't eaten the afternoon snack I've brought to work because I've not been hungry enough until almost dinnertime. Of course, that could also be because not eating sweets is keeping my blood sugar on an even keel. Whatever. I worry a bit that I am just feeling that "high" you get when you decide to eat better or lose weight...you know, that feeling that wears off by the 100th celery stick?

Have I felt deprived? Hmmmm. It's been fairly easy not to feel that way because the river of goodies at work has slowed to a trickle, and we don't have a dozen different kinds of cookies at home. I have my Christmas stocking chocolates at work, but haven't even opened them. I just don't feel like eating them. I made a dessert last week to use up some cream cheese I had, and yes, I definitely wanted to eat more than the few bites I had. I decided to stop after one small piece though, and it was okay. I'm sure that no matter what happens in my life, I will ALWAYS want more dessert. Right now, it's a matter of which I want more -- lots of dessert or knees that don't hurt. Choosing the knees at the moment. As far as the rest of my food, I've made some delicious things like homemade pizza with ww crust, mushrooms, sun dried tomatoes and blue cheese, hoisin braised tempeh (still don't LOVE tempeh -- I think I need to find a less earthy flavored brand), beer chaser chili, and veggie burger stew. Eating healthy food that tastes delicious is much less punishing that eating diet bread with low cal lunchmeat and raw vegetables for lunch (as I did every freaking day of my starvation days).

Our neighborhood contest is chugging along. Tim and I haven't won either week, but we haven't been in last place either. I've lost almost 5 pounds since the first of the year, but you know -- most of it is probably the bloat I gained over the holidays.

I'm leaving in 15 minutes for a scrapbooking retreat. I was getting into a terrible tizzy about it last night, thinking about the not-so-stellar food usually served, the endless buffet of unhealthy snacks that is always out, and the late nights that lead to unwise food choices. This morning I woke up and realized that I was all jacked up for nothing. I can either choose wisely and eat mindfully or I can come home on Sunday filled with regret, remorse, and cholesterol coursing through me. I packed up some healthy snacks: clementines, apples, almonds, energy bars, and almond butter. Mindful, here I come.

New Year, New Beginnings

I always love the start of a new year. I'm one of THOSE people who believes that it is a fresh start, and THIS year I'll get it right. It is a rare year that I actually achieved any of the resolutions I made with such hope, but I think the day I stop trying is the day...well, I hope I never see that day.

This year, I resolved to take at least one photo each week. That may sound pitiful, but last year's idea to take one each day lasted about three days, so hopefully this is more realistic. I also have a couple of scrapbooking projects in mind, and I want to pay for things in cash whenever possible. We pay off our credit card bills every month, but paying cash definitely makes me more mindful (see previous post! :-)) and makes me question whether or not I really need that cute ________________. It's better for my girls to see that money runs out too, rather than just seeing me slap a credit card on the counter to pay for everything.

Then, there's the question of making resolutions to lose weight or be healthier. I'm pretty sure I've made one or the other every year. Sometimes I've been pretty successful, sometimes not so much. I definitely want to lose weight. My knees are protesting every time I walk up the stairs, I've started grunting when I stand up from the couch, and I really don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe. I have no interest in starving, however. My initial action is going to be to eat at least 5 servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit every day, and to avoid eating dessert more than once a week. I'm rather sick of sugar anyway, after the weeks of eating half a dozen cookies every day. A group of friends asked us to join in a "couples biggest l*ser" contest. My husband wanted to do it, and I did too. We are mainly doing it for the fun, so I don't think I'll get all weird about it. One of the husbands set up a website, complete with "smack talk" board, and they have organized Sunday family walks at a local orchard.

So far, I've felt good about eating more healthily. I already feel more energized - it's amazing what eating broccoli instead of cookies does for your body and your psyche.

Staying Present

I am REALLY REALLY bad at staying present/staying in the moment/staying mindful. However you want to put it, I suck at it. I recently realized that I rarely live in the moment. I spend all of my time looking forward to the next thing, the next weekend, the next holiday, the next vacation, the next.... whatever. I count down the months, weeks, and days until my vacations, and then spend them feeling out of sorts, cranky, and unsettled. I think I put so much expectation into what they will be like that I can never be satisfied with what they actually are. Looking back, I can't remember the last time a vacation was truly relaxing and happy. Oh, there were happy and relaxing parts, but much of the time was filled with crabbiness, snapping at my family, and eating out of control. Holidays too. I seriously can't recall the last holiday that I didn't overeat desserts until I felt sick. I guess I'm trying to get the sweetness that I think should be through sweet food? Maybe that's too obvious.

I seem to spend a lot of time feeling "fat" on holidays and on vacations. Fat isn't a feeling, so how do I really feel? Sad that the time isn't what I had expected and/or wanted? I think I am in mourning for holidays and vacations past. You know, those days when everything was warm, fuzzy, loving, and "just right". I am a person who doesn't want things to change. Truthfully, I am someone who fights change. But, life does change. Tim's siblings are now married and have children and stepchildren. Not everyone can make it to the celebration due to work or a significant other's family obligations, and things aren't quite as effortless as they were before, even when everyone is present. There are strangers there. My mom isn't there to be the mom and Tim's mom is too physically disabled to be the mom. My SIL and I have to be the moms. I don't want to be the mom. I want someone to make me fudge and cook a wonderful dinner and just show up with a dish to pass. I don't want to be the one who has to make the wonderful dinner. I think I need to work on accepting the new normal. I either spend hours cooking the perfect food, or accept store bought rolls and some convenience food. I need to just let it be and enjoy what is, rather than feeling sad and regretful for what has been.

I'm going to work on that.

Starting Over. Really? How Many Times Do I Have to Do This Before it Sticks???

I have now eaten myself back to my weight of three summers ago. Oy. I have run out of excuses for it, and I need to once again start the work. Not the work of losing weight -- though, yes, that would be lovely -- but the emotional work of straightening myself out.

I had surgery about two weeks ago, and told myself that once it was done, I'd be okay. I'd start eating more sensibly. I haven't really been bingeing exactly -- simply overeating and snacking when not hungry, especially on sweets. Ugh. I had the surgery, had a few days of normal eating, and went back to munching mindlessly. Then I told myself that it was stress over waiting for the results from the lab. Yesterday I got those results and everything is fine. I still wanted to eat today when not hungry. So....back to the starting line. Back to the basics that I learned in therapy.

I've actually been doing quite well with eating more slowly. I'm not usually the first one done at dinner these days, and I am realizing I'm full before my plate is empty, even when I take small portions. Sometimes I eat the rest anyway. So, back to trying to pause. Pause before eating when not hungry, and pause before eating more from my plate. Pause. Pause. Pause. And feel. Feeling. Yep, that's the hard part.

In pausing sometimes over the past few days, I've realized that I have a lot of anxiety over my surgery -- or rather the aftermath of it. I had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed because I have one of the "bre*st c*ncer genes", which confers a 44% chance of ov*rian c*ncer by age 70, 20% at age 50. At 46, I was beginning to fear that every abdominal twinge I had was the big C, so I told my doctor I was ready. However, I wasn't really ready. I am scared that menop*use will mean that I will gain 30 lbs, grow a mustache, and lose all my sex drive, get wrinkly, and lose all appeal I have for my husband. Yes, part of me knows that is really catastrophic thinking, but even after six years (since our separation) I still feel somewhat raw when it comes to my dh's feelings toward me. The man acts as though he really loves me, but does he REALLY...(so goes my thinking)...as soon as our children are grown, will he suddenly announce that he no longer loves me and wants a divorce? Then I'll be a lonely 56-year-old fat woman with a mustache. I would feel comfortable sharing my concerns with him, but I don't want to hurt his feelings (that I am STILL insecure several years after we repaired our marriage), so I hesitate. I did tell him about my menop*sal fears, and it didn't really help matters any when he said, "Just don't grow a mustache". Thanks, honey. I can probably stop being afraid for a while anyway, since my doctor put me on HRT drugs to help me over the rough spots, but eventually I'll have to face it.

So, I'm working on just feeling my anxiety, and not eating over it. What will be will be, and eating everything in sight certainly won't help with that fear of weight gain. I'll let you know how it's going....

Judge Not

If only I'd remember that...judge not. I am a pretty judgmental person, which is something I really dislike about myself. At least I usually keep my opinions to myself. However, I have raved several times to my husband and SIL and other people about my MIL's eating habits. Perhaps I have even done so on this blog. I probably have. Anyway, she is diabetic, morbidly obese, and has congestive heart failure going on. Even so, she orders things like french toast when we go out to eat, and doesn't even try to stick to eating the way a diabetic should. I have always felt angry about it, because she is my kids' only grandmother and I'm afraid that she isn't going to live to see them grow up. I have groused about what I judge to be her irresponsibility in caring for her health. I have realized lately that I should have kept my big mouth shut. I now must open it to eat my words.

I set out this summer determined to control my cholesterol with my diet. I already exercised, but was convinced that if I ate a low fat, low sugar, vegan diet, I'd lose some weight and my cholesterol would magically drop to normal levels. I did okay on this eating regimen for a while, but since our vacation, I have completely thrown it out the window. I am still not eating much meat, but I have more than made up for it in sugary stuff like ice cream, chocolate, Pop Tarts, and cookies. I have even been eating things lately that I haven't eaten in years. I bought and ate 2 oz of ham spread last week. HAM SPREAD! I haven't eaten  ham spread since...well, since I was a kid maybe? I also ate a piece of bologna! Granted, it was bologna from our local butcher and made by them, but still. It was BOLOGNA! Disgusting. I confess it was delicious. But I digress. I have to go have my blood drawn for a cholesterol test next week and I am petrified that the results will be absolutely terrible. I'll have to go back on my medication, and feel like an utter and complete failure.

I realize that diets don't work. I was on a diet and hey, it didn't work. It was too restrictive. I loved the food I was eating, but I missed the things I wasn't. I thought I'd be able to put my health ahead of my love for ice cream, but apparently -- for me -- moose tracks beats all.

Old Dogs and Old Tricks

Above is my sister-in-law's (and brother's too, I suppose) pantry. As I perused it, I was thinking that I could learn a lot from this pantry. It is a normal eater's pantry. In it are at least 8 boxes of cereal, several types of cookies, store bought and homemade, open packages of graham crackers and chocolate, many types of snack crackers and chips, at least four types of bread and bagels, granola bars....and so on. They don't worry that the chips or cookies may get stale before they're eaten. They don't hear the siren song of the graham crackers whispering, "Eat me...I'm open, so you might as well finish me..." They don't stress out that no one is eating the seedy crackers bought at Wh0le Foods - so they'd better be the ones to down them or they'll go to waste. They don't look at the cookies and plan not to buy them again. No. They walk past this cornucopia of food dozens of times a day and barely give it a thought unless they're hungry. Even then, they don't eat a cookie, decide that all is lost, and finish off the bag. They fix a snack or meal -- that might include a cookie -- and move on with life. Amazing.

We just returned from two weeks away from home. My eating was a very odd mix of mindful days spent eating small portions and/or healthy foods, and days that seemed like one long foodfest. I mindfully OVERate on several days, feeling that old "uncontrollable" urge to stuff it all in, while at the same time, realizing that I was stuffing it in and could stop at any time. Didn't stop. I think I put too much pressure on myself to try and NOT gain weight on this vacation. I set off all determined to stick to a vegan diet, eat lots of vegetables, stay away from sugar....only to end up staying with people whose idea of a balanced dinner was: your choice of hot dog or hamburger, Doritos, and soda. Not kidding. Here and there I was able to stop at a store, so for a few meals I had greek yogurt as my main dish, and tried to fill in with fruit and veggies (if they were available), but I ate more meat over the two weeks than I had for the previous two months. Even at the restaurants we went to, most of thet time I had to get fish or starve. None of that is really an excuse for my behavior though. I purposely overate things that no one was force feeding me. I need to pull myself out of this cycle and get back on the road to health.

All is Well, Sort Of...

I'm almost hesitant to post that all is well. It seems to me that every time I state on my blog that everything is great, I find myself eating inhaling my third bowl of granola over the sink late the next evening! Is it some sort of weird self sabotage? Am I afraid that if, someday, I proclaim myself healed and "normal", I'll have nothing to put my energies into? Do I like being unhappy? I don't think I do. Maybe it's more that my eating issues help take the focus off the fact that I'm not happy now. I'm not exactly unhappy. I love my husband and our relationship is fine, I love my children, I have a nice home....but I'm having some sort of midlife crisis (albeit a bit past "mid-life", since I'll be 46 next week!). I am BORED. Every day is a repetition of the day before. Get up, walk the dog, exercise, eat, go to work, come home, cook, eat, read the paper, check email, go to bed. Repeat. On the weekends -- run errands, shop for groceries, clean the house, go to some family function.... I can't summon much enthusiasm to do anything fun, either. I took my girls to the lake on Friday, and I sat in a chair and read for 4+ hours. I never even put my feet in the water. We haven't gone to the zoo or the water park or anything fun this summer. When I'm home, I just feel like staying home.

Am I depressed? I don't really *feel* depressed. Perhaps I just need to start forcing myself to do more. I'm almost afraid to say this, but I also wonder if I'd be ten times happier if I could quit my job. I don't hate my job, but I don't enjoy working. That doesn't make sense, but it's true. I like doing storytime and helping kids. I like working at the desk, helping people find things. However, I just dread going in to work every day and rejoice when I have a doctor's appointment or something that takes me away for an hour or two. By 3:30pm, I'm so bored and restless that I want to run screaming from the building. Part of it is a few coworkers who drive me CRAZY due to a lack of work ethic and assorted personality quirks that really aren't their fault. It is mostly the work ethic, though. I've actually gone so far as to confess my misery to my boss, who has said he will change things, but change never happens. It's hard to summon enthusiasm when sitting next to someone who spends several hours surfing the Internet, looking at religious websites. I feel pretty trapped, though. I have been with the library for 18 years, and am looking at quite a nice pension if I stay a dozen more. Tim paid off our combined student loans only 5 or 6 years ago, and I can't face the idea of going back to school AND working. Not that I have any idea what else I would do. Ay yi yi. My only hope is that the youth librarian who works at the library a few miles from my house retires soon. I would definitely apply for her job. She is about 60, so there is hope. There would be a LOT of competition for her job, but if I don't try, I have no chance, right?

Enough whining. Otherwise, life is good...mostly. I'm doing well with my plan to eat healthfully enough to ditch my cholesterol medication, though I still struggle when I make a fabulous dessert for a family function. I sometimes can eat only a few bites, savor it, and feel fine. Other times, I've eaten way too much and then felt awful (physcially and mentally). I weighed 155.4 this morning, which is the lowest number I've seen for a while. I went for a long time last year without weighing myself at all, but I think I'm about where I was last summer before we went on vacation and I OD'd on ice cream and came home with tight clothes. I've been eating about 1200 calories net (subtracting a modest amount from my total calories for exercise), and haven't been at all hungry. Yes, I am counting calories. I feel like a big traitor to the intuitive eating movement in some ways, but so far it hasn't proven to send me over the edge into bingeing/starving territory. There have been a few weeks when I realized that I was suddenly overexercising to be able to eat more, but the awareness nipped it in the bud.

I'm having physical therapy for an issue with my hip that started a couple of months ago. Today was the first day I felt like it didn't hurt as much, so maybe I've turned the corner (fingers crossed). We leave for vacation in 10 days or so (going to Alaska and Washington), and I imagine the lack of exercise while gone may help my joint heal.

Peace

I've been feeling very peaceful lately, in spite of my hectic life. I've been remembering to practice the things I learned from Barb (in therapy), and trying to take time for myself. School is almost over, which will be a big relief. Ballet, Hip Hop, track...being gone four nights a week is a bit much. The big hurrah is Friday, when my girls are having their annual end of the year sleepover. We chose a luau theme this year, and have lots of fun decorations. I have to work on Saturday, but asked to take vacation time after 1:15pm. Just taking care of myself.

I've been following Dr. Joel Fuhrman's Eat for Life plan pretty faithfully. I've been writing about it in my other blog, but wanted to mention it here too. My "toxic hunger" has definitely diminished. Today I had some homemade vegetable soup and a nice vegetable salad with beans for lunch, and I wasn't famished by 4pm. I was kind of hungry, but not that desperate hunger you feel sometimes -- you know -- the kind that makes you want to dig the pizza out of the breakroom trash can? I tallied up my calories for the day and found that I was just under 1200. Huh. I walked the dog this morning and did 45 minutes on the elliptical, so it's not like my activity level was low. I never in a zillion, billion year thought I wouldn't be positively starving all day if I stuck to 1200 calories. Maybe there is something to this good nourishment thing.

Throwing a Tantrum

I am very dismayed at the way I've been eating for the past two weeks. I have been overeating just about every evening, either at dinner or after - to the point of being uncomfortable! I haven't eaten in this irresponsible way regularly for ages. I think I've been doing some "last supper" type eating because I'm considering changing my diet to fit Dr. Joel Fuhrman's ideas. I read his books Eat to Live and Eat for Health, and reading all of the testimonials gave me hope that maybe I could lower my cholesterol if I started eating by his guidelines. I was trying to ease into it by incorporating even more fruits and vegetables into my days, as well as eating less meat, dairy, and bread. However, I managed to sabotage my good efforts every evening with copious cookies, bowls of ice cream, and cereal & milk -- which I ate in spite of not being the slightest bit hungry. When I was truly hungry (because I took a long bike ride after dinner or ate a small dinner or something), I ate a snack and then kept on eating.

I really started feeling sorry for myself, thinking that I am just a binger, will always be a binger, will always be fat, will always have achy knees and be crabby...wahhhhhhhh me. Today, however, after dealing with a  because I overate at a graduation open house, fully aware that I was doing it, I got angry with myself. I KNOW BETTER! I KNOW that I am NOT driven to overeat by some mysterious force that I can't control. I KNOW that I am MAKING THE CHOICE to eat. I can and have chosen to resist the urge many, many, many times since I started therapy a few years ago. I went on for  months resisting the urge. Now, I have let my guard down  a few several times and I'm slipping, slipping, sliding back down into hell. I've been like a toddler throwing a tantrum because I won't be able to have ice cream every day if I try Dr. F's plan. Boo. Hoo.


It's time to put my big girl panties (soon to be bigger if I don't cut it out!) on, start pulling myself back up into the sunshine, and eat in a much more healthy way. When I feel the urge to overeat, I need to do something else instead or just live with the urge. Good grief. I am an adult and surely I can tell myself "no" to a freaking cookie.
So, these are my goals for the next week:
1) eat only until 80% full at EVERY meal
2) eat at least 3 servings of fruit and 6 of vegetables every day
3) take responsibility for my health and stop acting like a child. Tantrums are unhealthy.

Food is Important to Me...Too Important?

food for thought

I read the above article and a little light bulb went off over my head. It gave me a different perspective on things. Yes, I freely admit that I have a major emotional connection to food and eating. I can remember being three years old and waiting until the housekeeper/nanny went upstairs to help my mother (who was dying of cancer), so that I could sneak lumps of brown sugar out of the container. Growing up, I always tried to choose the biggest cookie, and kept an eye on the food to see if there might be enough for seconds. At monthly neighborhood potlucks, I ate so many desserts that I felt stuffed. To me, holiday gatherings meant yummy food - seeing family was an afterthought. As an adult, I have collected hundreds of recipes, avidly read two dozen food blogs, peruse every new cookbook that comes into the library, and eagerly try a new dish every time I visit a restaurant. It never really occurred to me before that this particular attachment might be holding me back from losing the 20 lbs that I've wanted to ditch for the past 30 years. I always thought that my problem was that I used food to handle my emotions and problems, but have continued to struggle even after therapy and sometimes just overeating because the food is yummy and I don't want to stop. There are times that I just eat - I'm not bored, not angry, not lonely, just me. I still eat, and don't know why. I never considered the idea that I might simply be emotionally attached to food.

I don't really cook unhealthy foods very often (except that I do have a "thing" for rich desserts, I confess), but I don't often make the same things over and over. I subject my poor family to new recipes just about every week. I say "poor" because they would much rather eat BLTs and steak than Vegetarian Lentil Chili or Bulgar and Bean Stew.

If I am perfectly honest with myself, I know that perhaps I should stop reading all of the blogs (even though the bloggers are healthy eaters), toss most of my recipes (especially the rich desserts), and make a rotating menu to stick to. I am not really ready for that though -- maybe that means I am not really ready to lose the weight I claim I want to lose. There's a fine line between eating a varied diet and being obsessed with food...I think I cross the line more often than not, which is not something I like to admit.

Don't Scratch the Itch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So......here I am, still fighting. Argh. I just want to be done, be at peace, be normal. I know, I know.......Barb told me it could take 2-3 years after therapy to be healed, but every time I think, "Okay, this is it! I've been feeling great for weeks!", I backslide right into the giant pit of despair. Well, maybe not all the way back in, but at least several feet, or even yards, down toward the bottom of the pit.

I was cruising along, not overeating, exercising just about every day but not forcing myself, and making very healthy choices. I was eating lots of beans, veggies, fruit, whole grains....not so much meat, cheese, or dessert. I did completely pig out on desserts on Sundays during Lent, but didn't feel deprived (most of the time) because I didn't eat them during the week. THEN....my coworker mentioned that she had started a new diet the day before. DANGER! DANGER! This is the coworker who discussed food and exercise in minute detail with me when I was completely disordered in thought and deed, five and six years ago. She was doing South Beach, and I was doing "go around hungry all the time, limit myself to 1500 calories, and exercise two+ hours a day while obsessing about food", and we shared tips and happily talked about how bad we'd been for eating one Hershey's kiss the day before.

When this coworker mentioned her new diet, I said nothing and escaped ASAP. Of course, I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. The next day I was in the lunchroom with her, and she told me all about her new diet, which doesn't allow her to eat much sugar, etc. etc. I didn't feel particularly riled up at the time, but over the next few days, my thoughts began to turn more and more to restricting, to thinking I really HAVE to lose some weight, to imagining that my life would be so much better if I only lost 5 pounds. Naturally, that led to some calorie counting, some "should" and "shouldn't" thinking, and some bingeing. I think I probably gained 5 pounds instead of losing anything. Ay yi yi. I think that now, after about 3 weeks of this behavior -- that I KNOW is unproductive, unhealthy, and doesn't ever lead to anything resembling happiness -- I am finally getting back on track. I'm still struggling in the evenings, wanting to eat a bunch of crap like ice cream, cookies, or bread after dinner, even though I'm not the slightest bit hungry. When the weather is nice, I've been going outside to garden or have a quick bike ride to break my thought pattern, which has worked some of the time.

I was listening to a CD by someone -- a Buddhist nun maybe? -- and she talks about bad habits (like bingeing/overeating in my case) being like an itch. Say you have a rash that itches. If you scratch the itch, you are relieving the symptom of the rash, BUT you are making the actual problem worse, since the rash then spreads. The trick is to suffer through the itch, knowing that the rash will eventually clear up. Today, I was bored at work and just wanted to go eat some of the treats in our backroom. I kept telling myself, "Don't scratch the itch. Don't scratch the itch". I want the &($#&*# rash to go away!!!

A Less Sweet Life

Giving up sweets for Lent is still going okay, sort of. I haven't "cheated", but I have definitely overdone it on the sweets on the last two Sundays. I feel disappointed in myself, but I suppose that I should know by now that deprivation and making foods off limits IS what leads to overeating. This Sunday, I am going to try and be more sensible. I still have a few more weeks left til Easter, so I don't really want to quit now. I read a post by a friend of mine who said something to the effect that sacrifice during lent gives you a chance to pray more. When you are tempted to give in to the urge to eat sweets, you can pray for the strength to resist. Heaven knows, I don't pray enough, so I should take every opportunity to do so!

I will admit that when I'm hungry now, I don't often feel the urge to reach for something sweet. I've been making and enjoying a lot of vegetarian dishes these days. Snacks like eggplant spread and yogurt and fruit have been really satisfying me. I'm struggling a bit these days with the desire to eat after dinner, even though I'm not hungry. I want something sweet, feel like I really shouldn't be eating anything because I'm not hungry, and end up wanting to munch on crackers or something (anything!) I can eat with almond butter. Another opportunity to pray, eh?

I started a new blog at http://ahealthierappetite.blogspot.com/. I had one over at wordpress, but I found that I just didn't like wordpress very much. So, if you'd like my eggplant spread recipe, go over there and find it. Right now, I have only a few posts - mostly recipes - but hopefully, there is more to come!

Feeling Calmer

Giving up sweets hasn't been as difficult as I'd envisioned. Of course, no one has been offering me gooey brownies or anything, but we have homemade cookies in the house, as well as chocolate, and I haven't had any uncontrollable urges to gobble it all down. Sundays aren't considered part of the 40 days of lent, which seems a bit like cheating, but I've had some dessert each of the two Sundays so far. I haven't eaten everything sweet that isn't bolted down though, so I'm doing okay.

My work situation is a bit better. At least my boss is aware of the situation, even if he isn't rushing to do anything about it. I read recently in someone's blog (I have no clue whose it was - I caught up on about 1000 posts last weekend) that she was trying to be less irritated with people. She was telling herself something to the effect of "life is a journey and that isn't your ride". I've been reminding myself that D isn't on the same journey I am and I just need to worry about staying on my road, rather than veering over to his. It helps. And I've lost 3 pounds of the 10 I'd gained -- a bonus to feeling more peaceful.

Making a Sacrifice

I am feeling so much better this week. Part of it is probably that I haven't had to work one single minute with Mr. Lazypants, but I also think my boss is actually trying to fix the problem. He asked me yesterday if I'd worked with D last weekend. I said that I'd worked with him all day on Friday and he asked if there had been any change. I said that I was sorry to say it, but no. He sighed and thanked me. We shall see...

Lent started yesterday, and I've been giving some thought to really trying to make some sort of sacrifice for the 40 days of lent. I usually try half-heartedly, but give up within a week. I'd never make it for 40 days in the desert, I suppose. Yesterday was a day of fasting and abstinence, meaning no meat and no snacking. Wow, was I starving by dinnertime! No meat isn't too much of a sacrifice for me, but no snacks is a killer. I was a bit hungry when I went to bed, but thankfully, not so hungry that it kept me awake.

Anyway, there have been several years along the way when I've tried to give up chocolate or desserts, and I have never made it very long. I always felt deprived and entitled, and ended up bingeing on something. As you know by now, I LOVE LOVE LOVE sweets, so giving them up would be truly difficult. This year, I'm going to try again. Not half-heartedly, but truly. I need to think of it as a way of honoring Jesus' time in the desert, rather than deprivation for me. I'm not a very obedient Catholic, but I think Easter would be even more joyful if I'd really lived without something important for six weeks. I told my dh that I would give up complaining and he just looked at me. He knows me too well. So, sweets it is. One day down, 39 to go.

Old Demons

This past fall, I thought I had finally done it. I'd left all of those old demons behind and I was a normal eater...at last! I was eating just enough - not too much and not too little. I was around sweets and junk food all the time and it didn't bother me if I ate it or if I didn't eat it. My weight dropped to a "normal" BMI.

However, lately I've been fighting my urges again. I put back on 10 pounds or so (though at least I'm only weighing myself every so often and not every day). I started to play the old scripts in my head -- you can't eat that, you can't take a day off from exercising, you have to lose weight. The more I tried to control my eating, the worse it got. I even had a few binges. Nothing awful -- I never felt terribly sick or like I was going to explode or anything -- but definitely eating to the point of discomfort. I couldn't figure out what on earth the problem was.

This week I think I finally realized that I'm not dealing with my unhappiness at work very well. It has been building and building and I now dread going to work on many days. I'm not unhappy with my work, though for a while I thought I was, since I was almost happy to lose a week of work when I broke my elbow and happy to leave the building two or three times a week to go to therapy. It was when the therapy stopped and I was back at work all 40 hours a week that the eating issues started. It's the atmosphere at work that I detest. One of my coworkers is very lazy - doesn't bother to get up from the desk to help people a lot of the time, and spends every minute he is at the desk on the Internet on his own personal stuff. He reads blogs on religion, visits religious websites, participates in religious discussions. I'm not against religion -- we go to church regularly. However, I can't understand how he can reconcile his "deep faith" with his complete lack of work ethic. When he's in his office, he is often reading. To be honest, I'm not really sure what he does that is actually related to the library.

I tell myself that I shouldn't let it bother me. I should just do my work and not worry about him. It does reflect badly on the entire staff when he is very unhelpful. We have lost a couple of staff members due to budget cuts, which means more work for (almost) everyone. I finally told the manager directly that D had spent the entire morning on the Internet while I was working with him (not that he didn't already know). He lamely said he'd talk to him, but for the next few days, D continued the same behavior. The manager sent out an email to all of us yesterday outlining what we could and couldn't do when on the desk, but D spent the time I was with him yesterday and today doing the same thing he always does. I said something to my boss again, but I really doubt anything will be done.

I'm really, really trying to deal with it in a healthy way. Today, whenever I started getting upset about it, I told myself to breathe deeply, concentrate on my breathing, and just let it go. It helped, but every time I saw him, I felt irritated all over again. I told dh that I've really come to dread the days I have to work with him for several hours. I wish I could switch to another branch, but I like most of the rest of the staff, and there isn't going to be another job opening for my position for a reeeallllly looooong time unless someone really screws up. I just need to find some way to deal that doesn't involve eating too much and obsessing about food and my weight. I have a bunch of books out right now on dealing with burnout and how to be happy in your job. I guess what I really need is a book on how to deal with a coworker for whom you feel nothing but disgust.

Checking In

Just checking in to say that I'm doing quite well these days. I broke my elbow a month ago, but have not allowed the restriction on exercise -- or, most activities really since one arm is out of commission -- to affect me badly. I started walking more, but do not feel a sense of panic over not being able to do my regular cardio or weight lifting. My eating has been, for the most part, quite normal since my last post. I still have an occasional day when I overeat or have to "talk myself down" from a binge, but even if I eat an extra piece of cake, I'm not allowing it to send me into a downward spiral. I have been able to get over it by the very next meal, which feels fabulous.

A Week Update

So, here I am-- back. I'm not quite as recovered as I thought I was. I was really determined to enjoy our vacation out east -- and I did -- but halfway through it, my zen eating kind of fell apart and never really came back. Once we were home, I started struggling daily with overexercising, overeating at dinner, and eating when not hungry -- sometimes almost to the point of bingeing. I can't really put my finger on what triggered it all, except that (and I feel as though this sound ridiculous) my therapist kind of broke up with me. At my last appointment with her, she said, "Well, do you want to make another appointment or do you want to wait and see how you feel?" I was kind of taken aback and made an appointment for 6 weeks out. As I left, she said, "Just call if it gets close and you don't feel the need to come." I felt kind of odd, though I knew that she really can't help me much anymore. I know what there is to know about recovering, I have the tools I need to make good choices, and it's totally 100% up to me to change. By the time the appointment time was close, I was feeling out of control and didn't want to have to go and admit that to her, so I cancelled.

Last week was a pretty good one, as this week has been -- unless you count the weekend, when I relapsed into some mindless overeating. I'm hoping that I have climbed out of the little dip in the road that I fell into in June and can continue down the path to good health. I HAVE made some strides this summer, in spite of my stumble. I have really slowed down my eating at many meals, and am not the first one done every single time I eat with others. I have also been able to stop at about 5.5 at many dinners, and just about all breakfasts and lunches. Now, if I can keep my hand out of the cookie jar, so to speak.....

Changing Gears

I have had little enthusiasm to blog here recently - perhaps because I feel the blog has served its purpose. Though I wouldn't say I am completely and forever recovered, I have definitely moved farther on the spectrum toward "normal" than not. I have started setting up a new blog here:
http://wife2abadge.wordpress.com/
There's not much there yet and I'm not really sure exactly what I'm going to do with it. I really enjoy looking at food blogs, but I don't want to write about every bite I eat. I don't want it to be all about fitness either. I think I'll just start posting and see what happens. Whether you follow me or not, I really appreciate the supportive comments I've gotten over the past couple of years. I am well on my way to being a normal eater. Best wishes -- I will still be reading your blogs, so you'll still "see" me in your comments -- Susan

Absent: Calorie Counting

I realized today that I haven't counted calories in a very long time. I do occasionally tally the calories in my breakfast because I like to eat a LOT of stuff in my oatmeal (banana, cottage cheese, peanut butter, crumbled protein bars, flaxseed, etc) and I want to make sure I'm not eating much more than 450 calories or so. An entire day, though? It's probably been at least a few months since I've tallied every calorie in every meal. My weight has stayed stable too. I can tell by the fit of my clothing that I've gone up and down a few pounds every now and then, but they consistently fit the same way most of the time. I feel triumphant -- this is a major victory for me.

I'm doing better on stopping when satisfied and on eating more slowly. I haven't been the first to finish dinner a few times over the past week. I've been trying to eat without distractions more too because I realized that if I really want to enjoy my food, I do need to concentrate on it more. When I was in the grip of undereating, who cared if I tasted my food? It wasn't too flavorful anyway.

This past weekend was a good one. I went out to dinner with friends and barely ate any of my entree because I was full from the salad. And I was okay with that. I got a bike ride in, a weight training session at the Y, and had a good Retrouvaille CORE session. At CORE, we presented "the third great date" from the program, which was all about resolving conflict. On our "date", T and I discussed various conflicts, but spent a lot of time discussing yard work. I'm mortified by the state of our yard. While he isn't quite as embarrassed as I am, he would like it to look better -- but despises yard work with every fiber of his being. We decided that we really need to buckle down and just do it, to borrow the overused phrase. So I went out yesterday and bought some daisies, verbena, and creeping phlox. We spent a couple of hours weeding and planting in our front yard. I was in such a good mood all afternoon and evening because of it. Working together and accomplishing something that you can see feels so good, doesn't it?

.........Or Maybe Not

My attempts to eat until satisfied and not beyond aren't going so well. At breakfast and (mostly) at lunch, okay. Dinner? I've only managed it twice since my post. I'm still trying though. It's not like I'm overeating french fries and hamburgers -- I don't often cook dinners that aren't healthy -- but overeating salad is still overeating. Then I feel kind of sad that I don't get hungry before bed so I feel guilty eating a snack or dessert.

I had some sort of odd freak-out last week and one evening I ate so much in such a short time that it almost could be considered a binge. Maybe it was a mini-binge. I talked to my therapist about it and she said that I've made so much progress in such a short time that I shouldn't be surprised that I backslide a bit sometimes. I've been really, really busy lately and under stress at work due to changes coming down the pipeline, so I dealt with it in the old, comforting way. Since I went to see her I've been okay. I told her about how angry I'd been when my FIL told me that my BIL wouldn't "let" his wife buy brownies and she suggested that perhaps I was internalizing it. I thought, "Oh -- duh! Of course I was!" Food and weight is still a very touchy issue with me.

I'm going out to eat tonight with four coworkers. I'm praying that they don't talk about what they "should" be eating and/or how "bad" they're being, but I think my prayers are in vain. Sigh. I am going to order what sounds best to me and eat until satisfied and do my best to ignore their judgments. Tomorrow T and I are going out to eat with about 9 other couples and then to a concert with 1980s music. It should be fun, though I'm dreading the late night. We usually go to bed by 9pm and this concert doesn't even start until 10pm. I can't sleep in on Sunday either. And we have our last league bowling day on Sunday. I will now stop wingeing and concentrate on how much fun we'll have!

Eat Until Satisfied...not Beyond

I think I've progressed about as far as I'm going to in my quest to eat without distractions. I still only manage it about a quarter of the time, but that's better than nothing. I will continue to work on it. My next project will be to eat until satisfied. I can usually judge how much to eat at breakfast and lunch, but not at dinner. I eat a small dinner, but almost always end up feeling too full, and then feeling panicky. I think the key would be to eat even less, and then have a snack before bed if I get hungry again. Starting with dinner tonight, that will be my mission.

I had a crummy Easter weekend, as far as my eating was concerned. I feel frustrated with myself -- like I'm almost stuck in a rut in my recovery process. Just when I think I may actually be "normal", I have a few days -- or a week -- when I slip back into disordered thinking or behavior. No binges or anything, but overeating on purpose -- eating more even though I know I'll feel even fuller and icky. Last week I had a post dinner snack every evening, even though I wasn't the slightest bit hungry. That led to thoughts that I needed to cut back so I don't put weight on and/or so I can lose a bit more before our summer vacation to the east coast. That led to a bit of "last supper" eating all weekend long. I think I could have more compassion and forgiveness for myself if I had overeaten because it was a holiday and the food was good. The truth is, though, that I overate because I kept thinking that I "needed" to stop eating! Maybe giving away my baggy clothes wasn't such a great idea. I don't really have room to store them, but not having them around as a safety net pressures me not to put on any weight. The weekend weather was gorgeous and though I was stuck inside cooking most of Saturday, I managed to get out and bike 21 miles on Sunday. It felt glorious -- except for my backside, which felt not so glorious by mile 18.

I signed up for six weeks of golf lessons again this year. Last night was lesson one, and right off the bat I felt foolish because I'd grabbed the sand wedge (S) instead of the five iron (5) and the pro pointed it out in front of the other fifty students. Sigh. Though I was wearing long underwear, a tank top, two fleece sweatshirts, a windbreaker, and jogging pants, I was FREEZING out there. I hope it warms up significantly before lesson number two.

We had a birthday party for my FIL last week and T's brother, wife, and new baby surprised him by showing up from England. He was really shocked, but very happy to see them. The baby is a doll and we've been really enjoying their visit, though it has made for some late nights. I'm exhausted. On Saturday, my FIL told me that P (SIL from England who cannot have gluten, wheat, or dairy) was really enjoying things from a local bakery that specializes in gluten-free items. He said she'd had a really good cookie that day, but that A (her husband) "wouldn't let" her buy any brownies. When I asked why not, he said, "Well, she has to start watching her weight". I swear I thought the top of my head would come off. I said that it was really none of A's business and that if T ever told me I couldn't buy a brownie, there'd be problems. I think he could tell I was really angry because he just said, "Well, I think she wanted to buy several" and tried to change the subject. I wonder if part of my overeating that day was in reaction to hearing that. I railed on and on to T later -- do you think she hasn't noticed that she's gained a lot of weight since getting pregnant? I don't really think she needs A to point it out to her! ARGH.

Zero Distractions = Boredom!

I found pants! They aren't perfect, but at least I won't have to wear the same pair of pants every day all summer. I still couldn't find any lower waisted pants with no front pockets, but did find some with pockets that don't poke out oddly. I bought three size 8s, so I guess I'm officially a size 8 (though I imagine not for all brands). I haven't weighed myself, but a friend I hadn't seen in a couple of months told me yesterday that I looked "just fabulous!". I tried not to feel irritated.

I've still been trying to eat without distractions, but find myself bored and looking around for something to read after ten bites or so. Maybe that means I should stop eating. Hmmm...I hadn't thought of that! I did just overeat at lunchtime because I was ravenous. I had a large bowl of oatmeal with almond butter and fruit at 5:30am, along with toast and peanut butter at 10am, and a 100-cal pack of almonds at noon, but by 1pm I could have gnawed my arm off. I shoveled in my salad so quickly that I got too full. Oops.

Eating Without Distractions

My mission to eat without distractions is going...okay. I think it is hardest at work because everyone I work with reads magazines for the whole lunch half-hour. The library gets a zillion of them, so there is always something new to read. I usually don't take the entire 30 minutes to eat, so I've been reading after I finish eating. It does feel odd to just sit and eat, but I am definitely tasting my food and enjoying it more.

Dinner is always full of distractions since I have a husband, two kids, and a dog at the table. I haven't been the first one done at every dinner for the past few weeks -- at least at a few meals. I have started eating yogurt with dinner. I know, you're thinking so? I love yogurt and I know it's healthy for me, but it has never been a very satisfying snack for me. No matter what type I eat or what I put in it, I'm hungry less than an hour after eating it. This yogurt appeared on the grocery store shelves a few weeks ago and it's quite tasty. It was on sale last week and I stocked up. I've been eating a cup of it, alternating with the delicious but incredibly expensive greek yogurts, for dinner almost every night. It feels like an indulgence and I don't have to worry about it being an unsatisfying snack. It's a nice sweet ending to my meal too.

Breakfast is difficult because I'm used to multitasking while eating it. I usually make the girls' and my lunches, and sometimes start dinner in between bites of oatmeal. I've been trying to make lunch the night before, but don't always have time. On the weekend I sat and ate mindfully, but this week, I've only managed one morning of simply eating.

My shopping trip was depressing -- not because of the sizes I fit into, but because I couldn't find a single top I even wanted to try on! I did try on several pair of pants, but only found one I liked fairly well. Doesn't any company make khakis that fall just below the waist, have a flat front, and no front or side pockets?!? Levi used to make some Dockers that I loved, so of course they stopped making them. I am wearing a pair of size 8 pants today, for the first time in three plus years. They are a bit snugger than I'm comfortable with, but 10s are just too loose on me now and having them fall down all the time drives me nuts.

Trying to Make Too Many Changes

Lately, my attempts at intuitive eating have been spotty at best. I think I'm trying to do too many things at once -- eat slowly, eat when hungry, eat without distractions, eat small portions, stop when 80% full.... As a result, I'm not doing anything consistently or well. I've also had diety thoughts and the temptation to overexercise creeping in.

I'm going to start one that is very difficult for me -- eating without distractions -- and do it every meal (well, probably not dinner since there are three other people at the table) for a week. If I am doing it well by then, I'll add in something else. This morning I was eating breakfast and wow, it was so difficult to just eat. I kept reaching for the mail, the paper, a magazine...it was ridiculously hard to just concentrate on what I was eating! This will be quite a challenge for me.

I've been weaning myself from the Welbutr*n I've used for my SAD, which is making me really tired a lot of the time. I guess it was giving me a lot of pep. I've been getting sleepy in the afternoons and yesterday I went to bed before 9pm, after taking a 15-minute nap in the afternoon. I am not a napper, so this afternoon sleepiness is very odd for me.

I am taking C to a birthday party at the mall and will have a couple of hours to myself there. I had decided I would look for some pants because I don't have too many pair that aren't too loose now. The very thought of clothes shopping has sent me into a mental tizzy and I have just wanted to eat and overeat all week long. Ay-yi-yi. At least after tonight it will be over. I'll either have bought some pants or not. The truth is that I am afraid that the next smaller size won't fit me and it will trigger something. I am aware of this, though, so I am prepared to not allow it to happen. I have a choice. Every time I choose not to allow dumb things like this affect my behavior, I am stronger and more healed.

149!

No, not my weight -- haven't weighed myself lately. My bowling score last Sunday! I don't know how I managed it, but I bowled over my (pitiful 85) average all three games. The weather here was gorgeous on Sunday and I went for a bike ride with R -- 12.5 miles. I couldn't believe she lasted that long. It's very fun to see how proud and capable it makes her feel.

I decided to try and make a sacrifice for Lent. I often try, but I'm not sure I've ever actually made it. I knew I'd never make it 6 weeks if I tried to give up sweets, so I gave them up Mon-Thurs. It hasn't been has difficult as I thought it would be. I've had a few moments of self pity (when a coworker who makes fabulous pies brought one in to work for us, when another coworker brought in brownies...) but I haven't felt particularly deprived. Maybe that's only because I know I can eat something on the weekends, but I haven't gone wild with desserts on those three days. In fact, I think I'm becoming more discerning in my dessert choices. We went out to eat last Saturday night and I was tempted by the cheesecake. However, when I asked if it was made there at the restaurant and the waitress said no, I turned down dessert all together.

The funny thing is that on weekdays, I'm kind of amazed at how satisfying a "dessert" of yogurt and granola or a whole grain waffle with almond butter on it can be. On nights when I'm not hungry between dinner and bed, I don't have to eat anything because if I don't eat dessert, there's no reason to eat when I'm not hungry! Now, if only I can carry that over AFTER Easter.

Isabelle tagged me to write about what makes me happy, so I will contemplate that and get back to y'all.

Sore in a Good Way

No news on the x-ray of my shoulder. The lump hasn't changed at all and I'm wondering if it's from repetitive motion, like the ganglion cyst I got on my wrist once. I see the dr for my yearly physical next month, so I may be lazy and not call to see what the x-ray said.

Last Friday was GORGEOUS and I spent some time trimming bushes and raking out old perennial foliage. I did all of the trimming by hand and holy cow -- my forearms, wrists, and arm muscles are still sore! I got out my bike and rode with R, but only for 15 minutes. She didn't want to do more. It sure felt good to get on it though.

I took my first spin class on Sunday. I liked it, though it was difficult to know how much tension to put on. I kept having to adjust it up and down. I suppose after a while you get to know where to put it. It would help if the dial had some sort of numbers on it. I really should have worn my bicycle shorts because my bum and my --ahem-- female parts still hurt today. I may take a spin class once a week or so until I can ride my bike outside more regularly. I was drenched afterward.

I just bought the book Mindful Eating by Jan Chozen Bays. So far it's good and again I have been reminded of the importance of slowing down when I eat. Lately I have had quite a few dinners that ended with me feeling overfull because I ate too quickly. There was once last week when I was the last to finish -- amazing. I've been trying to concentrate on taking smaller bites, chewing more slowly, and resting more between bites. I haven't listened to any of the CD that came with the book yet, so that's my next step.

Choosing Health

My doctor sent me for an x-ray to make sure the lump on my shoulder isn't a tumor -- no news yet. My therapist is quite proud of me and I'm not seeing her again for almost two months. I told her that the one thing I'm still really struggling with is anxiety triggered by people's "you've lost weight!" remarks, or putting on a pair of pants and suddenly noticing that they're kind of baggy. Every time something like that happens, I promptly spend two or three days overeating at meals and eating when I'm not hungry. I think it's a kind of fear because almost every time my weight has been lower than it is now, it has meant starvation followed by binges, overexercise, or both. I'm nervous that getting smaller will flip that switch inside me -- the seductive one that says, "You know, if you skip that snack/dessert/french fry, you can get back to a size six. You really shouldn't eat that unless you want to gain weight. You had better get in some more exercise today because you ate that piece of cake at work. So what if you're hungry? You can hold off a few more hours...." I should give that voice a name -- perhaps something sexy and seductive like Candy. Then I can talk back to her.

Barb said that I just need to keep reminding myself that I am much stronger than I was a few years ago, or even a year ago. I am much better equipped to deal with that sort of temptation and much better at banishing those types of thoughts. Yes, she is right. I have the freedom to choose to be healthy and that is the choice I'm making.

I'm considering volunteering to be the secretary for the P.T.A. I know that sounds crazy, but T and I are going to give up being on the board in our Retrouvaille group. We're just kind of burned out. We'll still go to the monthly support meetings, but just want to be regular members for a while. I talked with the treasurer this past weekend and she assured me that it really isn't that much work. Ha -- that's what they all say to sucker you in. I'm going to go to the meeting next week to check it out.

Almost "Normal"

I got on the scale yesterday for the first time in a while and found that I'd lost 3 1/2 more pounds. Interesting. I'm only 3 lbs away from being a "normal" BMI. I wonder if I lost it because of the weight training? I really don't feel as though I've been eating any less. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the gym's weight room and I was startled by how normal I thought I looked. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't look at myself and see only "fat".

Food and Spring Fever

I had to work on Valentine's Day, but my lovely family showed up to visit me bearing tulips, and had a dozen roses waiting for me when I got home. We all went out to dinner together and I practiced mindful eating. I only finished half my dinner, even though I was ravenous by the time we got our food.

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The day before V-Day, T took the girls to the father-daughter dance. There was no school due to winter break, so the girls went around the corner to get their hair fancied up by the woman who usually cuts it (in her house). They both had sparkly hair spray in and felt quite beautiful.

I've been thinking about food a lot again lately. I'm not sure if it's because I've been looking at quite a few food blogs (who knew there were so many people who take daily pictures of everything they eat?!?) or because I'm still feeling rather disgruntled and stressed. I feel so restless -- maybe I just have spring fever. We're getting MORE snow today, to add to the 100 inches we've already had this winter. Blech.

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I've been experimenting with breakfast lately -- trying to eat enough to keep me full longer than a couple of hours. Even when I eat 550 calories (oatmeal with cottage cheese, almond butter, almonds....) I usually get hungry within 3-4 hours. On Friday I ate some high protein cereal with milk at 5:00am, worked out for an hour and got ready for work, then ate a Lean Cuisine Panini at 8am. I still got hungry by 11am. Since I wake up at 4:45, that is 6+ hours -- and I did exercise for an hour -- but I would still have expected that much food to keep me from feeling as though I could gnaw my arm off by noon. If I didn't have a family to feed, I'd eat dinner at breakfast time and oatmeal at night!

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I am going to see both my therapist and my regular doctor this week. I found a lump on my shoulder a week ago and want to get it checked out. With my family history, I immediately thought CANCER, but hopefully it's just a cyst or something. It's round and hard like a marble, and doesn't move around. Mysterious.
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WHY will Blogger not let me put spaces between my paragraphs?!? ARGH!

Black Friday

First, the good news: when I was at the Y last week, I was stretching and suddenly realized that my injured leg bends almost as much as my other leg now. Maybe it doesn't sound very exciting, but the orthopedic surgeon told me that would never happen. He said I'd be lucky to be able to bend it 3/4 of the way, and I'd probably never be able to sit cross-legged on the floor again. I'm happy to report that he was wrong! I can stand up, bend my knee, and pull my foot up behind me to within an inch of my behind (if that makes sense). I've been steadily increasing the weight that I'm lifting, though I'm reaching a point when I'll have to stay for a bit. On the squat machine, I started with just the bar, but I'm up to putting on 100 pounds now! I still see absolutely no quad muscle in my injured leg, but I've really only been working at it since December, so maybe that's normal.

My sweet dh made me brownies from scratch for my half-birthday last week. I was AMAZED. The man cannot cook an egg! He got down one of my cookbooks and made brownies from a 2-page recipe that involved melting chocolate and tempering eggs and everything! They were so fabulously delicious, fudgy, and rich -- I should have taken a picture of them. It drives him nutty that I insist on celebrating half-birthdays, so he's never done anything on mine until this year. I think it's a fun tradition.

So, when I last posted, I was fighting the dessert demon. Last Friday, things came to a head and I had a really bad day. I didn't binge, but I ate quite a few things that I wasn't hungry for and I spent the entire day obsessing about food and trying not to eat. As I lay awake, having a very sleepless night, I let my thoughts wander to what on earth was the matter with me.

I think that it's really just that the stress in my life is overwhelming me right now. Work is crazy busy, I am the head of a new work group and feel very nervous about doing it well, the tension with my coworker is difficult, and at home we're having house issues. I discovered that five of our beautiful wood-framed windows have mildew all over the frames. I can't imagine why -- our house is so dry I have old lady hands. I have noticed lately that the house really needs a lot of deep cleaning -- you know, that stuff you neglect like cleaning all of the sticky handprints off the cupboards and banisters, washing curtains, dusting blinds, washing windows, etc. It depresses me because I really don't want to spend my free time cleaning, but I'm embarrassed at how it looks and it bothers me to see it. I am loathe to ask dh to help me with it because he hates it too. I suppose I will have to though, unless I want resentment to take over my life.

So, Saturday I spent some time making a to-do list for work, telling myself that I can really only do one thing at a time and at least if I have a list I'll fell as though I won't forget something vital. The home thing is still making me unhappy. I have to bite the bullet and make a list there too.

I haven't weighed myself in ages, but my clothes still fit exactly the same and people I haven't seen in a while are still making comments about my losing weight. I ordered some clothes that were on clearance and was pretty pleased to see that size 10s and mediums fit me perfectly. Yes, I'd like to be smaller, but maintaining my 20-lb loss for this long without giving in to bingeing or starving or over-exercising is a victory right now.

I've discovered that reading blogs is quite dangerous to my wallet. I have now ordered Barney Butter, Justin's Nut Butter, Clif-Z bars, and several other foods online after reading and seeing them on other people's blogs. At the store I bought some Peanut Butter & Co Cinnamon Raisin Peanut Butter and pumpkin to put in my oatmeal, Barbara's Peanut Butter Puffins, and some sort of Kashi Sunshine cereal after seeing that in people's blogs online. I have to say that pumpkin in oatmeal -- yum yum! I never would have thought of it!

I'm Still Here

Since confiding in my boss about my misery at work, I've felt SO much better about my job! I've actually begun to really enjoy work again, and have been having a lot of fun with my customers. The situation with my coworker hasn't really improved, but I have a lot of projects to complete right now, which keeps my mind off it. Oddly, though I've been much happier at work, I've been struggling with a vague sense of anxious unease. I haven't really taken the time to figure out why (which may be part of the problem -- crazy life), but I've really been fighting the urge to eat sweets after dinner again. It's been terrible on a daily basis. The other day I came very close to bingeing for the first time in at least nine months. I really need to sit by myself and just think for a while to try and ponder what it's all about. Fighting my urges is wearing me out.

My weight training at the Y is going very well. I've already increased the weight I'm lifting on most of the exercises. Our family has been going faithfully twice a week for the most part. It helps that C has swimming lessons on Saturday mornings now, which she LOVES. I've increased my workouts at home on the elliptical and stationary bike to 60 minutes, but I'm still resting 1-3 days a week. One week I worked out 6 times and thought, "WHOA chick -- you are starting the obsession again!" So I took two days off just to get out of that cycle.

Time to go do PJ Storytime! I'm very behind in my blog-reading, but hope to catch up this weekend with what all of you are doing.

Feeling Good Again

I'm feeling much more normal now, thank heavens. I weighed myself for the first time in about 6 weeks and was surprised to see that I'd lost a little more, weighing 156. I had prepared myself for a gain, considering the cookies and candy I'd eaten during the holiday season. I suppose the extra exercise I did helped offset the extra calories.

I saw my therapist this week for the first time in 8 weeks, and discussed my discomfort with people's comments on my weight loss. We discussed an inner script I could use when it happens, and she said that I might think about making a comment on being the same person inside if it seems appropriate at the time. I'm glad we had the talk because one of my storytime moms said, "You look so skinny!" when she saw me Thursday. I didn't feel much of anything, which is an improvement for sure.

The therapist and I also spent a long time talking about my job. Before my vacation in December, I'd really been thinking that I was really unhappy at work and felt really depressed that I was kind of stuck there for 20 more years. I wasn't sleeping well, wasn't doing much while at work, and actually hoped to get sick so I could stay home. During my vacation, I dropped off to sleep immediately almost every night and felt so relaxed. As soon as I started back at work, I started tossing and turning again and felt tense and unhappy at work. It dawned on me last week that my feelings were centered around one of my coworkers. She is supposed to be my "right hand woman", but shows no initiative whatsoever. If I suggest something, she doesn't do it. She is not a team player, and other coworkers complain about that to me often. She will do whatever I ask her to do, but doesn't do anything on her own. It's as though I'm her mother. She has also had complaints about her programs, so I have scheduled her to do as few as possible, taking on the majority myself. As a result I am burning out! I am not her boss though, so I really have no authority to do anything. I finally shared my feelings with my boss, who was very supportive and upset that it had gotten so bad for me. This particular woman's evaluation is coming soon, so my boss promised to address the issues then. On one hand, I feel great relief that it's all out in the open, but on the other hand, I'm worried that my coworker will blame me and think I have it out for her. As a person she's a very nice girl, but I just don't think she's cut out for this job.

I had my last session with the personal trainer -- boo hoo. I really enjoyed working with her and she has given me the confidence I needed to weight train on my own now. I was so afraid I would hurt my leg, but she has shown me that I really can use pretty heavy weights without injuring myself. I'm now excited to work on getting stronger!

Still a Struggle

I have been struggling a bit since New Year's Eve. After the hustle and bustle of Christmas was over, I felt a bit let down and at loose ends, and a couple of comments people have made to me about losing weight really got to me. I realize people mean well when they ask or comment, but I find it a major trigger. I try to shrug it off, but immediately feel nervous if I skip a day of exercise or judge that I've overeaten anything. I start to obsess about whether I may have gained weight or not, as well as how much weight I might lose by such-and-such date. It nearly sent me over the edge several times over the past week or so. I found myself walking into and out of the kitchen with that restless feeling, planning to skip my snack, exercising on my usual days off, and indulging in other old unhealthy behaviors. I came close to bingeing a few times, but managed to remind myself that I am NO LONGER THAT PERSON and that I'd feel horrible if I gave in to the urge. I did overeat purposely at dinner on New Year's Eve, as well as eating after dinner at the party we attended. I wouldn't call it a binge, but I was definitely uncomfortable (since I was still full from dinner!). For several days, I ate past satisfied at several meals, and then felt unhappy and panicky. I think I somehow want to regain the weight to prove to the people who made comments that I am still the same person and I'm not somehow better just because I'm thinner.

I finally calmed down enough a few days ago to explore what was going on with me, and decided that I am not going to allow myself to regress and have to start over again. I am not eating better or losing weight to please others. I've been concentrating on eating mindfully and stopping before I feel too full, even if it means leaving food on the plate. I do have difficulty throwing food away, but have wrapped it up for later several times, and had it for a snack when I got hungry -- or pitched it if it was yucky. I had a bunch of desserts left over from a family party last weekend, and debated about tossing them. I didn't until today because I don't want to be controlled by food. Today I finally got rid of one of them because the crust was all soggy and it was several days old. I probably still would have eaten it, to be honest, but it was no longer fabulously tasty so I ditched it. I have PLENTY of wonderful chocolate left from Christmas anyway.

I'm Back!

I didn't really mean to take a vacation from my blog as well as work, but it just worked out that way. My 15 days off work went really quickly, and though the time wasn't quite as fabulous as I had imagined it would be, I did manage to sit and relax for a few days. I spent three entire days wrapping and baking, which wasn't very rewarding at all. Next year, I'm going to choose only three types of candy or cookies and make large batches of them - instead of making one batch of 15 different kinds. Mark my words.

I have worked with the personal trainer at the Y for three sessions now. The first one was just an evaluation, goal-setting meeting. I shared my food and overexercise issues with her the minute she brought up weight loss as a possible goal, and after a few questions, she assured me that she didn't want to cause any relapse behavior and wouldn't bring it up again unless I did. We've had two workout sessions and WOW! I was so sore after both, I could barely move. I was amazed at how much I could do, however. She pushed me much more than I would have pushed myself, and, though my muscles hurt, my knee didn't hurt much more than usual. The walking lunges she made me do....oy! I have two more sessions with her and then I'm on my own.

I'm going to have to stop writing now, but I will say in parting that, though I haven't weighed myself since my last entry, I don't think I've put on more than a couple of pounds since my last entry. My pants are still just as loose. I did eat more than my share of sweets, but was very mindful at meals. I think that was the key. More later!

Slowing it Down

My weight is holding steady at 156.8, which is just fine with me. I have been focusing on eating more slowly these days, rather than bolting my food down as though someone were going to snatch my plate away at any given moment. A week ago I bit my tongue -- REALLY hard -- and it had a very large swollen place on the side of it. I was forced to eat very slowly at every meal for several days, and I realized how much more I enjoyed my food. I've been busily baking Christmas cookies and having to throw them away because they're stale. I've been freezing most to take to various parties, but kept some back for us to eat. Eating one cookie very slowly and savoring it is so much more rewarding than making myself sick by gobbling down half a dozen.

My dh has a surprise date planned for us tonight -- I am dying to know what it is! I will be extra happy to be out since today is my last day of work until December 29.

I have an appointment with a personal trainer on Monday evening. I'm hoping to have her help me come up with a weight training routine to build some muscle without injuring myself. I used to lift a lot (for a while I lived with a guy who was a competitive power lifter), but I'm scared to re-start with all of my current limitations. I'm a bit nervous, but also kind of excited.

Pain Free Knee...Someday?

I lost another pound. Now that I've lost some weight, I have really noticed a lessening of pain in my knee. It barely hurts now, when it used to hurt all the time. That almost makes me happier than buying new clothes! Here are a few pics from thanksgiving weekend. Princess is checking out the flock of turkeys in our front yard in the bottom picture.