I found out last night that Aunt Alice said to T "S looks great! How does she stay so slim?" I'm feeling rather foolish to imagine that anyone would care that I weigh 15 pounds more than I did at Christmas.
PT this morning went well. I did 22 minutes on the elliptical and I've been able to increase my ankle weights to 4 lbs for all of my leg extensions. For some weird reason I can't increase the weight on the leg extension machine. The sub PT guy a couple of weeks ago said it was probably due to the angle of the machine. Okay, whatever. I think my squats with the ball are getting easier and though it could be my imagination, doing the step-ups seems positively easy. Now if only I could actually walk up a flight of stairs like a normal person instead of one step at a time like a toddler. Ah well... I still have 3 months til the first anniversary of the accident. At least I now actually believe I will be "normal" again eventually.
I'm really getting excited about our trip -- nine days til we leave. I'm going to zip out to the mall this week on my day off and see if I can't find at least one more new top & pair of jeans -- maybe some Dockers too. I'm not happy with the way any of my non-jean pants look and A&P said to bring a few pair to wear "out" in the evening.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
I fell a bit behind I see
Okay, let's see. I weighed myself, giving myself the big lecture that I wouldn't be disappointed if I'd only lost one pound. Imagine my dismay to see that I had GAINED a pound. I couldn't believe it. All that non-bingeing, all that exercise.... ARGH. The bad thing is that I allowed it to lead me to a mini binge one evening shortly afterward. I caught myself, realized why I was eating, and stopped.
I did well after that, except that I can't seem to stop eating before I feel too full at dinner. I think I just feel gypped that so little delicious food is enough. We went to Chili's and if I had honestly stopped when satisfied, I would have eaten two little quesadilla triangles and a couple of bites of rice. Instead I ate half of the platter they served me. That's an improvement, but I can't expect to lose weight if I continue to eat beyond satisfaction. The most important goal for me is still to normalize my relationship with food, but of course I want to lose weight too.
PT is going well. I joined the gym so I can keep up my exercise after PT ends next week. I did 21 minutes on level 6 on the elliptical on Saturday. I went on to do some weight work and it felt pretty good.
I was totally stressed out about this past weekend. Andrew & Patricia were here from London, so it was "all family all the time" for Easter eve and Easter. There were going to be 50 people at Ellen's on Sunday for brunch who hadn't seen me since I had gained anywhere from 15-25 pounds. I felt completely anxious, ashamed, and unattractive. On Saturday I was disappointed that we didn't have our usual family attendance to Easter Vigil services -- everyone was going on Sunday. I allowed it to get to me and after Saturday dinner ate 4 cookies, 2 pieces of cake, too many chocolate-covered almonds, and some more candy after we got home. I felt yucky.
On Sunday, for some reason, things were better. At the brunch I got very small helpings of a few things, ate them slowly, and had a piece of A&P's cake later. I sat with my feelings and tried to socialize. I actually ended up having a good time, though I still felt incredibly self-conscious. I cruised past the buffet tables many times during the afternoon, gazing longingly at the delish food, but I didn't want to stuff my feelings. We left in the late afternoon and A&P came over to discuss our upcoming trip to London. We waited far too long for dinner and I was ravenous by the time our pizza came. I ate two pieces, and managed to sit long enough to realize I was done. I still ate R's crust and a chocolate bunny, and a couple of Hershey miniatures, but that was it.
Even though I engaged in some binge behavior on Saturday, I feel okay. I recognized why I wanted to eat, I shared my anxiety with T before we went to the dinner (he said, "I like how you look honey" -- sweet man), and even though I did eat, I didn't continue with out of control behavior at the brunch on Sunday.
I did well after that, except that I can't seem to stop eating before I feel too full at dinner. I think I just feel gypped that so little delicious food is enough. We went to Chili's and if I had honestly stopped when satisfied, I would have eaten two little quesadilla triangles and a couple of bites of rice. Instead I ate half of the platter they served me. That's an improvement, but I can't expect to lose weight if I continue to eat beyond satisfaction. The most important goal for me is still to normalize my relationship with food, but of course I want to lose weight too.
PT is going well. I joined the gym so I can keep up my exercise after PT ends next week. I did 21 minutes on level 6 on the elliptical on Saturday. I went on to do some weight work and it felt pretty good.
I was totally stressed out about this past weekend. Andrew & Patricia were here from London, so it was "all family all the time" for Easter eve and Easter. There were going to be 50 people at Ellen's on Sunday for brunch who hadn't seen me since I had gained anywhere from 15-25 pounds. I felt completely anxious, ashamed, and unattractive. On Saturday I was disappointed that we didn't have our usual family attendance to Easter Vigil services -- everyone was going on Sunday. I allowed it to get to me and after Saturday dinner ate 4 cookies, 2 pieces of cake, too many chocolate-covered almonds, and some more candy after we got home. I felt yucky.
On Sunday, for some reason, things were better. At the brunch I got very small helpings of a few things, ate them slowly, and had a piece of A&P's cake later. I sat with my feelings and tried to socialize. I actually ended up having a good time, though I still felt incredibly self-conscious. I cruised past the buffet tables many times during the afternoon, gazing longingly at the delish food, but I didn't want to stuff my feelings. We left in the late afternoon and A&P came over to discuss our upcoming trip to London. We waited far too long for dinner and I was ravenous by the time our pizza came. I ate two pieces, and managed to sit long enough to realize I was done. I still ate R's crust and a chocolate bunny, and a couple of Hershey miniatures, but that was it.
Even though I engaged in some binge behavior on Saturday, I feel okay. I recognized why I wanted to eat, I shared my anxiety with T before we went to the dinner (he said, "I like how you look honey" -- sweet man), and even though I did eat, I didn't continue with out of control behavior at the brunch on Sunday.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
the good and the bad
Well, Saturday evening wasn't so great. I felt panicked about being tempted to eat a pretzel. For pete's sake when will I learn that attempting to restrict my food intake only leads to bingeing! No, I didn't binge. But I grabbed some leftovers and ate them on the way to the movies. It wasn't exactly a satisfactory dinner. At the movies I ate some of T's popcorn, the rest of C's M&Ms, and I really wanted ice cream for some reason. We didn't have any at home, but when we got home I ate an ice cream sandwich with chocolate sauce and whipped cream on it. Then I ate something else (I can't remember exactly what but it wasn't anything too horrible). Then I told myself I was being an idiot and went to bed. I should have just planned to eat the damned pretzel -- I would have avoided the deprived feeling and been fine. Live and learn, live and learn.
Sunday was okay as far as I remember. I did eat dinner slowly, though I still ate a bit too much. Still working on that. Yesterday I got home from work and R told me they had gotten me a surprise. They had gone to Cheshire for lunch (my FAVORITE place for ice cream because they make it themselves and have hot fudge sauce that tastes just like Grandma S's!) and had brought me home a HUGE chocolate malt. They drew a heart on the cup and wrote "for mommy because we love you sooooo much! from daddy and R". My first thought was dismay -- oh, the calories! I caught myself immediately. I was really hungry and knew it would be a while till dinner was ready, so I split the malt three ways and shared it with the girls. It was delicious and guilt-free. I ate my very small piece of potato pizza slowly and mindfully. I was too full for anything else. Ahem...except that I shoved in another very small piece while putting away the leftovers. Ay yi yi.
Today after PT I went to breakfast with Aunt Peg. I ate my entire omelette, piece of toast, and half the cinnamon roll. I was quite full. But I didn't panic -- just waited until I was hungry again to eat. That wasn't until 4:50pm! Amazing when you really pay attention to your body.
I am dying to weigh myself. I keep telling myself that my pants fit the same so I haven't lost any weight, but I feel skinnier. Maybe it's just because I feel so much better about everything. I think I'll wait til next Tuesday and hop on. I will NOT let the number bother me, no matter what it is. I can't let this become about weight.
Sunday was okay as far as I remember. I did eat dinner slowly, though I still ate a bit too much. Still working on that. Yesterday I got home from work and R told me they had gotten me a surprise. They had gone to Cheshire for lunch (my FAVORITE place for ice cream because they make it themselves and have hot fudge sauce that tastes just like Grandma S's!) and had brought me home a HUGE chocolate malt. They drew a heart on the cup and wrote "for mommy because we love you sooooo much! from daddy and R". My first thought was dismay -- oh, the calories! I caught myself immediately. I was really hungry and knew it would be a while till dinner was ready, so I split the malt three ways and shared it with the girls. It was delicious and guilt-free. I ate my very small piece of potato pizza slowly and mindfully. I was too full for anything else. Ahem...except that I shoved in another very small piece while putting away the leftovers. Ay yi yi.
Today after PT I went to breakfast with Aunt Peg. I ate my entire omelette, piece of toast, and half the cinnamon roll. I was quite full. But I didn't panic -- just waited until I was hungry again to eat. That wasn't until 4:50pm! Amazing when you really pay attention to your body.
I am dying to weigh myself. I keep telling myself that my pants fit the same so I haven't lost any weight, but I feel skinnier. Maybe it's just because I feel so much better about everything. I think I'll wait til next Tuesday and hop on. I will NOT let the number bother me, no matter what it is. I can't let this become about weight.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
I feel good!
I went to see Lisa (therapist) yesterday and she was very pleased with my progress. I told her that I finally got it through my thick head that no one was going to wave a magic wand over me and take away my compulsion to eat. I actually need to do the work myself to heal. I gave her my description of what my eating would look like if it were "normal" and she gave me the suggestion to reframe it more positively. One of the things I wrote was "I wouldn't think about food first thing in the morning, last thing at night, during church, etc". She said to rewrite it, saying when I would think about food.
She also suggested that rather than trying to force myself not to think about food, that I consciously think about something else. I said that I picture a STOP sign, but it doesn't always work. She said, as an example, that if I'm in church I should think, "Hmm..what is the priest saying? What does that mean? How does that relate to my lfe?" so that I give my mind something else to contemplate.
I told her that the Managing Your Moods class has really helped me day to day, being able to recognize and stop negative thoughts and attitudes. I don't know if that's why I haven't had a strong urge to binge or not.
Yesterday I was tempted to eat (day off) but kept asking myself why? and what did I need to do instead? I ended up being able to relax and watch an episode of "Gray's Anatomy" on DVD, do some reading, & bake some cookies (and only ate 1 1/2 & no dough!). I had gone to breakfast and ate the two pieces of toast, the Egg Beaters, and only a couple of bites of hash browns before I was stuffed. I took the rest home. I felt a bit odd making and giving the girls lunch and not eating myself, but I wasn't the slightest bit hungry until almost 3pm. So I waited until then to eat lunch. At dinner, I definitely overate. I took too big a portion. I didn't eat it all, but ate until I felt very full. I ate too fast, as usual. So my goal for this week is to eat more slowly at dinner, putting my fork down between bites if I have to.
Tonight will be hard -- right after I get off work we're going to see Ice Age 2. I won't have eaten dinner and I don't really want to eat theatre food. I ate a bowl of vegetable soup an hour ago, and grabbed a Pria bar to take. Hopefully I can hold off til I get home and eat some real, nutritious food for dinner. But if I'm too hungry and eat a pretzel, so what. That doesn't mean I have to eat more when I get home, it doesn't mean I have to cut back tomorrow, and it doesn't mean I am a failure, right?
She also suggested that rather than trying to force myself not to think about food, that I consciously think about something else. I said that I picture a STOP sign, but it doesn't always work. She said, as an example, that if I'm in church I should think, "Hmm..what is the priest saying? What does that mean? How does that relate to my lfe?" so that I give my mind something else to contemplate.
I told her that the Managing Your Moods class has really helped me day to day, being able to recognize and stop negative thoughts and attitudes. I don't know if that's why I haven't had a strong urge to binge or not.
Yesterday I was tempted to eat (day off) but kept asking myself why? and what did I need to do instead? I ended up being able to relax and watch an episode of "Gray's Anatomy" on DVD, do some reading, & bake some cookies (and only ate 1 1/2 & no dough!). I had gone to breakfast and ate the two pieces of toast, the Egg Beaters, and only a couple of bites of hash browns before I was stuffed. I took the rest home. I felt a bit odd making and giving the girls lunch and not eating myself, but I wasn't the slightest bit hungry until almost 3pm. So I waited until then to eat lunch. At dinner, I definitely overate. I took too big a portion. I didn't eat it all, but ate until I felt very full. I ate too fast, as usual. So my goal for this week is to eat more slowly at dinner, putting my fork down between bites if I have to.
Tonight will be hard -- right after I get off work we're going to see Ice Age 2. I won't have eaten dinner and I don't really want to eat theatre food. I ate a bowl of vegetable soup an hour ago, and grabbed a Pria bar to take. Hopefully I can hold off til I get home and eat some real, nutritious food for dinner. But if I'm too hungry and eat a pretzel, so what. That doesn't mean I have to eat more when I get home, it doesn't mean I have to cut back tomorrow, and it doesn't mean I am a failure, right?
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