Thursday, May 31, 2007

a realization

I just read in someone's blog ( something that caused a major realization for me. I've realized for several months now that if my dh isn't in a communicative mood, my anxiety level rises significantly and I have the urge to binge. I had been attributing it to the fact that since our separation, I still feel a little unease about our marriage whenever he seems at all unhappy. Now I think it's more due to a connection with my childhood.

My mom was a wonderful mom in many ways. However, I don't think she really knew how to show affection or love, and I really don't think she had any clue how to express unhappiness in a healthy way. When she was angry at us (or at my dad), she would completely clam up, and walk around with a horribly mean expression on her face. She'd go days without speaking one single word to us and most of the time we'd have absolutely no idea what had set her off. We'd walk around on eggshells, and I'd try to do things to make her happy (like housework and yardwork), and we'd just sort of wait it out. After several days -- or even a couple of weeks in some instances -- she'd suddenly start talking to us again as though nothing had ever happened. I'd breathe a sigh of relief and go on until the next incident. I think when my dh (who isn't an animated or chatty guy unless he's had several beers) is extra quiet, I just feel that churning "oh geez, what did I do now?" feeling in the pit of my stomach and want to eat to quiet it. Since our reconciliation I am more likely to ask him if something is wrong or if he's upset with me (and 99.9% of the time it has nothing to do with me), but every single time I still get that jolt of fear.

This past weekend in Chicago, I had several meals when I overate, several when I ate just to satisfaction, and in general I didn't eat much when I wasn't hungry. We ate a pretty big breakfast in the hotel each morning, and usually weren't hungry for lunch until late afternoon. It was great to just wait and not feel I had to eat lunch because it was noon!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Seven Random Facts

The lovely Isabelle tagged me to reveal seven random facts about myself, so here goes:

1) I have naturally curly hair. I despised it until I was about 22, but now I love it (most of the time). Women used to stop me in the mall to ask where I'd gotten my gorgeous spiral perm, which both amused and embarrassed me.

2) We haven't watched TV at our house for ten years now. When we had TV it was on all the time, but when we did without it for a few months, we decided we didn't miss it enough to have it again. We do watch DVDs sometimes. Oddly, I still read all about TV stars and shows in magazines like People.

3) I cannot nap worth a darn. Unlike my dh's entire family, who can lie down and be asleep in 3 minutes flat, I will simply stare at the ceiling until I give up. Even when pregnant I didn't nap.

4) I adore going to the movies. In high school I used to go on "dollar night" every week (by myself). As a college freshman, my boyfriend and I went almost every week, as did T and I (in our pre-parent days)

5) I have only been asked out by about 3 men (whom I actually *wanted* to go out with) in my entire life. In my life before marriage, I asked a few guys out, "hooked up" with a few, and went out with several because of a personal ad. It has always sort of puzzled me. I think I must give off "touch me not" vibes since I have been told I am very pretty and I *know* I'm intelligent and fairly entertaining as a companion.

6) I listen to audiobooks constantly and usually have one in my car, one at my bedside, one in my bathroom, and another in my kitchen. I love mysteries, suspense novels, and thrillers best, though I listen to a lot of teen and kids books because of my job.

7) I went to secretarial school after I dropped out of college. I actually graduated from a business college and worked as a secretary for a while before realizing that I despised it and went back to college. At least my coworkers are wowed by my typing skills.

Okay -- I will tag treelover!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Annual Checkup

I saw the doctor today and was truly surprised that she didn't mention one single word about my weight. At the doctor's office it was 172.3 with my clothes on at 1pm. That's definitely hovering between overweight and obese, but she didn't comment. I have the dreaded cholesterol test coming soon.

Still no bingeing going on with me. I've had several almost-episodes, but talked myself out of it when I admitted to myself that I wanted to, knew why I wanted to, and knew it was not really treating myself with kindness to do so. Yesterday my dh and I misunderstood plans and I was waiting for him at home to go to dinner while he was already on his way. I finally called him, found out he was already at my inlaws' house, and immediately wanted to eat one of the chocolate-covered Oreos (homemade) that I got for Mother's Day. I had the bag open and my hand in before thinking, "Um, hello? You only want one because you're reacting." I zipped the bag shut and went off to my inlaws.

There have been several occasions lately when I have had a knee-jerk "I blew it so I might as well eat a lot more" reaction to overeating slightly or eating an extra cookie, etc. Each time I have talked myself out of chowing down. That's not to say that my eating has been Mrs. Healthy-Pants, however. I have been logging my food again to see what on earth I'm eating, and the other day I ate six dessert-like things in one day. That can't be good for my triglyceride level!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

blah, blah, blah...

Work was totally different last week since we were in the midst of some remodeling. I had far fewer obsessive food thoughts than usual -- due to the change in routine? Being too busy to think about food? No boredom with being stuck at the desk? I don't know. I haven't had any binges that I can recall, but have definitely had some overeating going on. I weighed myself and saw 172.4 on the scale. I think I need to start keeping a food journal again because I really don't see that I'm eating all that much more than I was a year ago, and I'm definitely more active -- yet I've gained ten pounds!

I am having the thought more and more often that I should get rid of every piece of clothing that doesn't fit me and accept the idea that I will never again be a size 6 or even an 8. The thought of actually doing the deed is painful. I might end up with only about 8 outfits. I swear I have given away so many clothes because they were all too small, then they were all too big, then they were all too small....ay yi yi. I have probably wasted $100,000 on clothing in my lifetime. I want to go buy some new clothes but it's so hard to find something that is truly flattering to me in this size. I'd have to spend hours and hours and hours trying things on. Just the thought is exhausting. I ordered some stuff via the Internet from J Jill and Coldwater Creek. When I tried it on, it didn't really look all that great but I was too lazy to send it back. This is why I have to buy clothing in person.

I saw my orthopedic surgeon for the last time. He said everything has healed just fine and there has been no degradation of my knee in the past year. My quad and calf muscles are still visibly smaller than in my other leg. I'm not allowed to run, jump, skip, hop, do aerobics, etc ever again. He is even rather iffy about hiking, and advised me to join the Y and do water aerobics. He did say that it's still okay to bike and do the elliptical, but that I should have my bike seat as high as possible for less pressure on my knee. Most of the time I'm okay with my limitations, but sometimes I just feel so sad -- and mad -- why did simply falling off a f*%#ing bike have to cause so much damage?!? Then again, I didn't lose my leg, I don't have cancer, and my family is healthy. I am blessed in so many ways -- perhaps I should just quit whining and be grateful :-)

Saturday, May 05, 2007

The Chicken or the Egg?

Thank you for your suggestions about joining n*, but I am already a member there. I joined when it cost $20 a month and had a very bad experience there. Not with the women who post (in fact several of us deserted the site together to go elsewhere as a group) but with the owner. I don't want to go into details, but I don't think she is a very honest person.

So, the chicken or the egg? Does my mood lead to eating or my eating lead to mood? I had a great week until yesterday, and I also felt really upbeat. I didn't "feel skinny" necessarily, but I ate totally normally and was happy. Yesterday I made cookies for a potluck we have to attend today, and ate half a dozen or so while baking them. Then I felt bad, got grumpy, and my mood crashed into the basement. I was hungry for dinner, ate a totally normal amount, but after dinner my dh (who was totally exhausted after being called out for four hours in the middle of Thursday night to an accident scene) announced he was going to bed at 7pm I kind of fell apart.

Looking back, I know exactly where things went wrong:
-- I was already grumpy about having to attend a meeting on my day off, which seems to happen often this year.
--I had to make a dessert and chose cookies instead of something that can't really be eaten before the event. I chose cookies because I had the stuff for them, but should have bought different stuff and made something else. I already knew making cookies would get me into trouble with the way I was feeling, but I really wanted to use up the ingredients I had and I fooled myself into thinking I could deal with it.
--Since dh hadn't done the dishes the night before I cleaned up the kitchen before baking and felt put-upon about it.
--After attending the meeting, baking, doing dishes, doing laundry, buying dog food, and picking up the girls I had no time left for myself -- on my day off.

Anyway, I felt absolutely awful by the time I went to bed. Not physically -- I didn't binge to the point of feeling sick -- but emotionally. I wonder if it's the overeating that makes me feel that way (since I feel out of control) or the sugar (since I almost always binge on sugary desserty stuff). I guess I won't know for sure unless I binge on chicken breast someday. Yeah, right.

So, that is absolutely, positively the last time I spend my entire day off doing things I don't enjoy. The last. I don't care if the laundry is to the ceiling and the dishes are covering every counter. I'm not touching 'em!