Thursday, May 31, 2007

a realization

I just read in someone's blog ( something that caused a major realization for me. I've realized for several months now that if my dh isn't in a communicative mood, my anxiety level rises significantly and I have the urge to binge. I had been attributing it to the fact that since our separation, I still feel a little unease about our marriage whenever he seems at all unhappy. Now I think it's more due to a connection with my childhood.

My mom was a wonderful mom in many ways. However, I don't think she really knew how to show affection or love, and I really don't think she had any clue how to express unhappiness in a healthy way. When she was angry at us (or at my dad), she would completely clam up, and walk around with a horribly mean expression on her face. She'd go days without speaking one single word to us and most of the time we'd have absolutely no idea what had set her off. We'd walk around on eggshells, and I'd try to do things to make her happy (like housework and yardwork), and we'd just sort of wait it out. After several days -- or even a couple of weeks in some instances -- she'd suddenly start talking to us again as though nothing had ever happened. I'd breathe a sigh of relief and go on until the next incident. I think when my dh (who isn't an animated or chatty guy unless he's had several beers) is extra quiet, I just feel that churning "oh geez, what did I do now?" feeling in the pit of my stomach and want to eat to quiet it. Since our reconciliation I am more likely to ask him if something is wrong or if he's upset with me (and 99.9% of the time it has nothing to do with me), but every single time I still get that jolt of fear.

This past weekend in Chicago, I had several meals when I overate, several when I ate just to satisfaction, and in general I didn't eat much when I wasn't hungry. We ate a pretty big breakfast in the hotel each morning, and usually weren't hungry for lunch until late afternoon. It was great to just wait and not feel I had to eat lunch because it was noon!

1 comment:

Tree Lover said...

This post really resonates with me. My mom was pretty much the opposite of yours. She would yell and scream at me, my brother and my father whenever she got upset over even the tiniest things. Needless to say, I was yelled at a lot as a kid! I have struggled my whole life with the feeling that I'm not ok. Like deep down I am bad. I used to feel an almost constant heaviness in my chest. That has gotten a lot better since I have been working on intuitive eating, but I still feel it a lot.

Anyway, it hadn't occured to me until I read this post that this feeling that I am not ok came from how my mom yelled at me all the time. I think that this realization is going to really help me work through this more. Thanks for the insight!