Yesterday I felt the urge to binge from the moment I woke up. Why? I'm still not sure. Perhaps because in spite of eating really well these days my pants are really tight and my wedding ring will hardly fit on my finger since we got back from Chicago on Monday. I don't really know. I ate a smallish but filling breakfast, didn't feel particularly tempted by the doughnuts at our staff meeting, and had a Subway turkey sub for lunch. I didn't even finish my 100-calorie bag of chips, though I did eat 1 2/2 cookies. I started on a project and around 4pm got really restless. I was a tiny bit hungry and gave in to the urge to eat a doughnut and another 1/2 cookie. Then I really, really had to fight the all-or-nothing beast and not hoover up the entire plate of cookies.
Arriving home from work, I was really restless. My dh was sleeping because he's working 3 nights of security at our local arts festival and I had the girls. I didn't have any idea what I wanted for dinner. R requested french toast and I had four bites of hers, but didn't want to eat it because I stressed about the calories/carbs/blood sugar/you name it. C wanted a pb&j. I cut up a bunch of raw veggies and they ate a LOT of them while I cooked, as did I. Even though I only felt a tiny bit hungry, I had a piece of pb toast and some Sun Chips. After a Hershey kiss for dessert, my brain was screaming "BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! You know you'll feel better! Just think of those graham crackers with peanut butter and chocolate on them...think of those Pop Tarts...think of that cereal and milk....!" I, however, gave myself a stern talking-to. I thought, "Okay, this is it. You are NEVER going to stop bingeing if you don't stop. You can't just keep having one more binge and thinking you'll stop the NEXT time. The next time is right now". OMG, it was hard to walk away. Hard, hard, hard. I did it though. I went downstairs and got on the computer for a while. When it was time to put the girls to bed, I had more thoughts, but put myself to bed too. I lay (or is it laid? I never did learn that rule correctly) in bed and felt so calm and good about my decision.
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