Checking In

Just checking in to say that I'm doing quite well these days. I broke my elbow a month ago, but have not allowed the restriction on exercise -- or, most activities really since one arm is out of commission -- to affect me badly. I started walking more, but do not feel a sense of panic over not being able to do my regular cardio or weight lifting. My eating has been, for the most part, quite normal since my last post. I still have an occasional day when I overeat or have to "talk myself down" from a binge, but even if I eat an extra piece of cake, I'm not allowing it to send me into a downward spiral. I have been able to get over it by the very next meal, which feels fabulous.

A Week Update

So, here I am-- back. I'm not quite as recovered as I thought I was. I was really determined to enjoy our vacation out east -- and I did -- but halfway through it, my zen eating kind of fell apart and never really came back. Once we were home, I started struggling daily with overexercising, overeating at dinner, and eating when not hungry -- sometimes almost to the point of bingeing. I can't really put my finger on what triggered it all, except that (and I feel as though this sound ridiculous) my therapist kind of broke up with me. At my last appointment with her, she said, "Well, do you want to make another appointment or do you want to wait and see how you feel?" I was kind of taken aback and made an appointment for 6 weeks out. As I left, she said, "Just call if it gets close and you don't feel the need to come." I felt kind of odd, though I knew that she really can't help me much anymore. I know what there is to know about recovering, I have the tools I need to make good choices, and it's totally 100% up to me to change. By the time the appointment time was close, I was feeling out of control and didn't want to have to go and admit that to her, so I cancelled.

Last week was a pretty good one, as this week has been -- unless you count the weekend, when I relapsed into some mindless overeating. I'm hoping that I have climbed out of the little dip in the road that I fell into in June and can continue down the path to good health. I HAVE made some strides this summer, in spite of my stumble. I have really slowed down my eating at many meals, and am not the first one done every single time I eat with others. I have also been able to stop at about 5.5 at many dinners, and just about all breakfasts and lunches. Now, if I can keep my hand out of the cookie jar, so to speak.....

Changing Gears

I have had little enthusiasm to blog here recently - perhaps because I feel the blog has served its purpose. Though I wouldn't say I am completely and forever recovered, I have definitely moved farther on the spectrum toward "normal" than not. I have started setting up a new blog here:
http://wife2abadge.wordpress.com/
There's not much there yet and I'm not really sure exactly what I'm going to do with it. I really enjoy looking at food blogs, but I don't want to write about every bite I eat. I don't want it to be all about fitness either. I think I'll just start posting and see what happens. Whether you follow me or not, I really appreciate the supportive comments I've gotten over the past couple of years. I am well on my way to being a normal eater. Best wishes -- I will still be reading your blogs, so you'll still "see" me in your comments -- Susan

Absent: Calorie Counting

I realized today that I haven't counted calories in a very long time. I do occasionally tally the calories in my breakfast because I like to eat a LOT of stuff in my oatmeal (banana, cottage cheese, peanut butter, crumbled protein bars, flaxseed, etc) and I want to make sure I'm not eating much more than 450 calories or so. An entire day, though? It's probably been at least a few months since I've tallied every calorie in every meal. My weight has stayed stable too. I can tell by the fit of my clothing that I've gone up and down a few pounds every now and then, but they consistently fit the same way most of the time. I feel triumphant -- this is a major victory for me.

I'm doing better on stopping when satisfied and on eating more slowly. I haven't been the first to finish dinner a few times over the past week. I've been trying to eat without distractions more too because I realized that if I really want to enjoy my food, I do need to concentrate on it more. When I was in the grip of undereating, who cared if I tasted my food? It wasn't too flavorful anyway.

This past weekend was a good one. I went out to dinner with friends and barely ate any of my entree because I was full from the salad. And I was okay with that. I got a bike ride in, a weight training session at the Y, and had a good Retrouvaille CORE session. At CORE, we presented "the third great date" from the program, which was all about resolving conflict. On our "date", T and I discussed various conflicts, but spent a lot of time discussing yard work. I'm mortified by the state of our yard. While he isn't quite as embarrassed as I am, he would like it to look better -- but despises yard work with every fiber of his being. We decided that we really need to buckle down and just do it, to borrow the overused phrase. So I went out yesterday and bought some daisies, verbena, and creeping phlox. We spent a couple of hours weeding and planting in our front yard. I was in such a good mood all afternoon and evening because of it. Working together and accomplishing something that you can see feels so good, doesn't it?

.........Or Maybe Not

My attempts to eat until satisfied and not beyond aren't going so well. At breakfast and (mostly) at lunch, okay. Dinner? I've only managed it twice since my post. I'm still trying though. It's not like I'm overeating french fries and hamburgers -- I don't often cook dinners that aren't healthy -- but overeating salad is still overeating. Then I feel kind of sad that I don't get hungry before bed so I feel guilty eating a snack or dessert.

I had some sort of odd freak-out last week and one evening I ate so much in such a short time that it almost could be considered a binge. Maybe it was a mini-binge. I talked to my therapist about it and she said that I've made so much progress in such a short time that I shouldn't be surprised that I backslide a bit sometimes. I've been really, really busy lately and under stress at work due to changes coming down the pipeline, so I dealt with it in the old, comforting way. Since I went to see her I've been okay. I told her about how angry I'd been when my FIL told me that my BIL wouldn't "let" his wife buy brownies and she suggested that perhaps I was internalizing it. I thought, "Oh -- duh! Of course I was!" Food and weight is still a very touchy issue with me.

I'm going out to eat tonight with four coworkers. I'm praying that they don't talk about what they "should" be eating and/or how "bad" they're being, but I think my prayers are in vain. Sigh. I am going to order what sounds best to me and eat until satisfied and do my best to ignore their judgments. Tomorrow T and I are going out to eat with about 9 other couples and then to a concert with 1980s music. It should be fun, though I'm dreading the late night. We usually go to bed by 9pm and this concert doesn't even start until 10pm. I can't sleep in on Sunday either. And we have our last league bowling day on Sunday. I will now stop wingeing and concentrate on how much fun we'll have!

Eat Until Satisfied...not Beyond

I think I've progressed about as far as I'm going to in my quest to eat without distractions. I still only manage it about a quarter of the time, but that's better than nothing. I will continue to work on it. My next project will be to eat until satisfied. I can usually judge how much to eat at breakfast and lunch, but not at dinner. I eat a small dinner, but almost always end up feeling too full, and then feeling panicky. I think the key would be to eat even less, and then have a snack before bed if I get hungry again. Starting with dinner tonight, that will be my mission.

I had a crummy Easter weekend, as far as my eating was concerned. I feel frustrated with myself -- like I'm almost stuck in a rut in my recovery process. Just when I think I may actually be "normal", I have a few days -- or a week -- when I slip back into disordered thinking or behavior. No binges or anything, but overeating on purpose -- eating more even though I know I'll feel even fuller and icky. Last week I had a post dinner snack every evening, even though I wasn't the slightest bit hungry. That led to thoughts that I needed to cut back so I don't put weight on and/or so I can lose a bit more before our summer vacation to the east coast. That led to a bit of "last supper" eating all weekend long. I think I could have more compassion and forgiveness for myself if I had overeaten because it was a holiday and the food was good. The truth is, though, that I overate because I kept thinking that I "needed" to stop eating! Maybe giving away my baggy clothes wasn't such a great idea. I don't really have room to store them, but not having them around as a safety net pressures me not to put on any weight. The weekend weather was gorgeous and though I was stuck inside cooking most of Saturday, I managed to get out and bike 21 miles on Sunday. It felt glorious -- except for my backside, which felt not so glorious by mile 18.

I signed up for six weeks of golf lessons again this year. Last night was lesson one, and right off the bat I felt foolish because I'd grabbed the sand wedge (S) instead of the five iron (5) and the pro pointed it out in front of the other fifty students. Sigh. Though I was wearing long underwear, a tank top, two fleece sweatshirts, a windbreaker, and jogging pants, I was FREEZING out there. I hope it warms up significantly before lesson number two.

We had a birthday party for my FIL last week and T's brother, wife, and new baby surprised him by showing up from England. He was really shocked, but very happy to see them. The baby is a doll and we've been really enjoying their visit, though it has made for some late nights. I'm exhausted. On Saturday, my FIL told me that P (SIL from England who cannot have gluten, wheat, or dairy) was really enjoying things from a local bakery that specializes in gluten-free items. He said she'd had a really good cookie that day, but that A (her husband) "wouldn't let" her buy any brownies. When I asked why not, he said, "Well, she has to start watching her weight". I swear I thought the top of my head would come off. I said that it was really none of A's business and that if T ever told me I couldn't buy a brownie, there'd be problems. I think he could tell I was really angry because he just said, "Well, I think she wanted to buy several" and tried to change the subject. I wonder if part of my overeating that day was in reaction to hearing that. I railed on and on to T later -- do you think she hasn't noticed that she's gained a lot of weight since getting pregnant? I don't really think she needs A to point it out to her! ARGH.

Zero Distractions = Boredom!

I found pants! They aren't perfect, but at least I won't have to wear the same pair of pants every day all summer. I still couldn't find any lower waisted pants with no front pockets, but did find some with pockets that don't poke out oddly. I bought three size 8s, so I guess I'm officially a size 8 (though I imagine not for all brands). I haven't weighed myself, but a friend I hadn't seen in a couple of months told me yesterday that I looked "just fabulous!". I tried not to feel irritated.

I've still been trying to eat without distractions, but find myself bored and looking around for something to read after ten bites or so. Maybe that means I should stop eating. Hmmm...I hadn't thought of that! I did just overeat at lunchtime because I was ravenous. I had a large bowl of oatmeal with almond butter and fruit at 5:30am, along with toast and peanut butter at 10am, and a 100-cal pack of almonds at noon, but by 1pm I could have gnawed my arm off. I shoveled in my salad so quickly that I got too full. Oops.

Eating Without Distractions

My mission to eat without distractions is going...okay. I think it is hardest at work because everyone I work with reads magazines for the whole lunch half-hour. The library gets a zillion of them, so there is always something new to read. I usually don't take the entire 30 minutes to eat, so I've been reading after I finish eating. It does feel odd to just sit and eat, but I am definitely tasting my food and enjoying it more.

Dinner is always full of distractions since I have a husband, two kids, and a dog at the table. I haven't been the first one done at every dinner for the past few weeks -- at least at a few meals. I have started eating yogurt with dinner. I know, you're thinking so? I love yogurt and I know it's healthy for me, but it has never been a very satisfying snack for me. No matter what type I eat or what I put in it, I'm hungry less than an hour after eating it. This yogurt appeared on the grocery store shelves a few weeks ago and it's quite tasty. It was on sale last week and I stocked up. I've been eating a cup of it, alternating with the delicious but incredibly expensive greek yogurts, for dinner almost every night. It feels like an indulgence and I don't have to worry about it being an unsatisfying snack. It's a nice sweet ending to my meal too.

Breakfast is difficult because I'm used to multitasking while eating it. I usually make the girls' and my lunches, and sometimes start dinner in between bites of oatmeal. I've been trying to make lunch the night before, but don't always have time. On the weekend I sat and ate mindfully, but this week, I've only managed one morning of simply eating.

My shopping trip was depressing -- not because of the sizes I fit into, but because I couldn't find a single top I even wanted to try on! I did try on several pair of pants, but only found one I liked fairly well. Doesn't any company make khakis that fall just below the waist, have a flat front, and no front or side pockets?!? Levi used to make some Dockers that I loved, so of course they stopped making them. I am wearing a pair of size 8 pants today, for the first time in three plus years. They are a bit snugger than I'm comfortable with, but 10s are just too loose on me now and having them fall down all the time drives me nuts.

Trying to Make Too Many Changes

Lately, my attempts at intuitive eating have been spotty at best. I think I'm trying to do too many things at once -- eat slowly, eat when hungry, eat without distractions, eat small portions, stop when 80% full.... As a result, I'm not doing anything consistently or well. I've also had diety thoughts and the temptation to overexercise creeping in.

I'm going to start one that is very difficult for me -- eating without distractions -- and do it every meal (well, probably not dinner since there are three other people at the table) for a week. If I am doing it well by then, I'll add in something else. This morning I was eating breakfast and wow, it was so difficult to just eat. I kept reaching for the mail, the paper, a magazine...it was ridiculously hard to just concentrate on what I was eating! This will be quite a challenge for me.

I've been weaning myself from the Welbutr*n I've used for my SAD, which is making me really tired a lot of the time. I guess it was giving me a lot of pep. I've been getting sleepy in the afternoons and yesterday I went to bed before 9pm, after taking a 15-minute nap in the afternoon. I am not a napper, so this afternoon sleepiness is very odd for me.

I am taking C to a birthday party at the mall and will have a couple of hours to myself there. I had decided I would look for some pants because I don't have too many pair that aren't too loose now. The very thought of clothes shopping has sent me into a mental tizzy and I have just wanted to eat and overeat all week long. Ay-yi-yi. At least after tonight it will be over. I'll either have bought some pants or not. The truth is that I am afraid that the next smaller size won't fit me and it will trigger something. I am aware of this, though, so I am prepared to not allow it to happen. I have a choice. Every time I choose not to allow dumb things like this affect my behavior, I am stronger and more healed.

149!

No, not my weight -- haven't weighed myself lately. My bowling score last Sunday! I don't know how I managed it, but I bowled over my (pitiful 85) average all three games. The weather here was gorgeous on Sunday and I went for a bike ride with R -- 12.5 miles. I couldn't believe she lasted that long. It's very fun to see how proud and capable it makes her feel.

I decided to try and make a sacrifice for Lent. I often try, but I'm not sure I've ever actually made it. I knew I'd never make it 6 weeks if I tried to give up sweets, so I gave them up Mon-Thurs. It hasn't been has difficult as I thought it would be. I've had a few moments of self pity (when a coworker who makes fabulous pies brought one in to work for us, when another coworker brought in brownies...) but I haven't felt particularly deprived. Maybe that's only because I know I can eat something on the weekends, but I haven't gone wild with desserts on those three days. In fact, I think I'm becoming more discerning in my dessert choices. We went out to eat last Saturday night and I was tempted by the cheesecake. However, when I asked if it was made there at the restaurant and the waitress said no, I turned down dessert all together.

The funny thing is that on weekdays, I'm kind of amazed at how satisfying a "dessert" of yogurt and granola or a whole grain waffle with almond butter on it can be. On nights when I'm not hungry between dinner and bed, I don't have to eat anything because if I don't eat dessert, there's no reason to eat when I'm not hungry! Now, if only I can carry that over AFTER Easter.

Isabelle tagged me to write about what makes me happy, so I will contemplate that and get back to y'all.

Sore in a Good Way

No news on the x-ray of my shoulder. The lump hasn't changed at all and I'm wondering if it's from repetitive motion, like the ganglion cyst I got on my wrist once. I see the dr for my yearly physical next month, so I may be lazy and not call to see what the x-ray said.

Last Friday was GORGEOUS and I spent some time trimming bushes and raking out old perennial foliage. I did all of the trimming by hand and holy cow -- my forearms, wrists, and arm muscles are still sore! I got out my bike and rode with R, but only for 15 minutes. She didn't want to do more. It sure felt good to get on it though.

I took my first spin class on Sunday. I liked it, though it was difficult to know how much tension to put on. I kept having to adjust it up and down. I suppose after a while you get to know where to put it. It would help if the dial had some sort of numbers on it. I really should have worn my bicycle shorts because my bum and my --ahem-- female parts still hurt today. I may take a spin class once a week or so until I can ride my bike outside more regularly. I was drenched afterward.

I just bought the book Mindful Eating by Jan Chozen Bays. So far it's good and again I have been reminded of the importance of slowing down when I eat. Lately I have had quite a few dinners that ended with me feeling overfull because I ate too quickly. There was once last week when I was the last to finish -- amazing. I've been trying to concentrate on taking smaller bites, chewing more slowly, and resting more between bites. I haven't listened to any of the CD that came with the book yet, so that's my next step.

Choosing Health

My doctor sent me for an x-ray to make sure the lump on my shoulder isn't a tumor -- no news yet. My therapist is quite proud of me and I'm not seeing her again for almost two months. I told her that the one thing I'm still really struggling with is anxiety triggered by people's "you've lost weight!" remarks, or putting on a pair of pants and suddenly noticing that they're kind of baggy. Every time something like that happens, I promptly spend two or three days overeating at meals and eating when I'm not hungry. I think it's a kind of fear because almost every time my weight has been lower than it is now, it has meant starvation followed by binges, overexercise, or both. I'm nervous that getting smaller will flip that switch inside me -- the seductive one that says, "You know, if you skip that snack/dessert/french fry, you can get back to a size six. You really shouldn't eat that unless you want to gain weight. You had better get in some more exercise today because you ate that piece of cake at work. So what if you're hungry? You can hold off a few more hours...." I should give that voice a name -- perhaps something sexy and seductive like Candy. Then I can talk back to her.

Barb said that I just need to keep reminding myself that I am much stronger than I was a few years ago, or even a year ago. I am much better equipped to deal with that sort of temptation and much better at banishing those types of thoughts. Yes, she is right. I have the freedom to choose to be healthy and that is the choice I'm making.

I'm considering volunteering to be the secretary for the P.T.A. I know that sounds crazy, but T and I are going to give up being on the board in our Retrouvaille group. We're just kind of burned out. We'll still go to the monthly support meetings, but just want to be regular members for a while. I talked with the treasurer this past weekend and she assured me that it really isn't that much work. Ha -- that's what they all say to sucker you in. I'm going to go to the meeting next week to check it out.

Almost "Normal"

I got on the scale yesterday for the first time in a while and found that I'd lost 3 1/2 more pounds. Interesting. I'm only 3 lbs away from being a "normal" BMI. I wonder if I lost it because of the weight training? I really don't feel as though I've been eating any less. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the gym's weight room and I was startled by how normal I thought I looked. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't look at myself and see only "fat".

Food and Spring Fever

I had to work on Valentine's Day, but my lovely family showed up to visit me bearing tulips, and had a dozen roses waiting for me when I got home. We all went out to dinner together and I practiced mindful eating. I only finished half my dinner, even though I was ravenous by the time we got our food.

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The day before V-Day, T took the girls to the father-daughter dance. There was no school due to winter break, so the girls went around the corner to get their hair fancied up by the woman who usually cuts it (in her house). They both had sparkly hair spray in and felt quite beautiful.

I've been thinking about food a lot again lately. I'm not sure if it's because I've been looking at quite a few food blogs (who knew there were so many people who take daily pictures of everything they eat?!?) or because I'm still feeling rather disgruntled and stressed. I feel so restless -- maybe I just have spring fever. We're getting MORE snow today, to add to the 100 inches we've already had this winter. Blech.

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I've been experimenting with breakfast lately -- trying to eat enough to keep me full longer than a couple of hours. Even when I eat 550 calories (oatmeal with cottage cheese, almond butter, almonds....) I usually get hungry within 3-4 hours. On Friday I ate some high protein cereal with milk at 5:00am, worked out for an hour and got ready for work, then ate a Lean Cuisine Panini at 8am. I still got hungry by 11am. Since I wake up at 4:45, that is 6+ hours -- and I did exercise for an hour -- but I would still have expected that much food to keep me from feeling as though I could gnaw my arm off by noon. If I didn't have a family to feed, I'd eat dinner at breakfast time and oatmeal at night!

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I am going to see both my therapist and my regular doctor this week. I found a lump on my shoulder a week ago and want to get it checked out. With my family history, I immediately thought CANCER, but hopefully it's just a cyst or something. It's round and hard like a marble, and doesn't move around. Mysterious.
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WHY will Blogger not let me put spaces between my paragraphs?!? ARGH!

Black Friday

First, the good news: when I was at the Y last week, I was stretching and suddenly realized that my injured leg bends almost as much as my other leg now. Maybe it doesn't sound very exciting, but the orthopedic surgeon told me that would never happen. He said I'd be lucky to be able to bend it 3/4 of the way, and I'd probably never be able to sit cross-legged on the floor again. I'm happy to report that he was wrong! I can stand up, bend my knee, and pull my foot up behind me to within an inch of my behind (if that makes sense). I've been steadily increasing the weight that I'm lifting, though I'm reaching a point when I'll have to stay for a bit. On the squat machine, I started with just the bar, but I'm up to putting on 100 pounds now! I still see absolutely no quad muscle in my injured leg, but I've really only been working at it since December, so maybe that's normal.

My sweet dh made me brownies from scratch for my half-birthday last week. I was AMAZED. The man cannot cook an egg! He got down one of my cookbooks and made brownies from a 2-page recipe that involved melting chocolate and tempering eggs and everything! They were so fabulously delicious, fudgy, and rich -- I should have taken a picture of them. It drives him nutty that I insist on celebrating half-birthdays, so he's never done anything on mine until this year. I think it's a fun tradition.

So, when I last posted, I was fighting the dessert demon. Last Friday, things came to a head and I had a really bad day. I didn't binge, but I ate quite a few things that I wasn't hungry for and I spent the entire day obsessing about food and trying not to eat. As I lay awake, having a very sleepless night, I let my thoughts wander to what on earth was the matter with me.

I think that it's really just that the stress in my life is overwhelming me right now. Work is crazy busy, I am the head of a new work group and feel very nervous about doing it well, the tension with my coworker is difficult, and at home we're having house issues. I discovered that five of our beautiful wood-framed windows have mildew all over the frames. I can't imagine why -- our house is so dry I have old lady hands. I have noticed lately that the house really needs a lot of deep cleaning -- you know, that stuff you neglect like cleaning all of the sticky handprints off the cupboards and banisters, washing curtains, dusting blinds, washing windows, etc. It depresses me because I really don't want to spend my free time cleaning, but I'm embarrassed at how it looks and it bothers me to see it. I am loathe to ask dh to help me with it because he hates it too. I suppose I will have to though, unless I want resentment to take over my life.

So, Saturday I spent some time making a to-do list for work, telling myself that I can really only do one thing at a time and at least if I have a list I'll fell as though I won't forget something vital. The home thing is still making me unhappy. I have to bite the bullet and make a list there too.

I haven't weighed myself in ages, but my clothes still fit exactly the same and people I haven't seen in a while are still making comments about my losing weight. I ordered some clothes that were on clearance and was pretty pleased to see that size 10s and mediums fit me perfectly. Yes, I'd like to be smaller, but maintaining my 20-lb loss for this long without giving in to bingeing or starving or over-exercising is a victory right now.

I've discovered that reading blogs is quite dangerous to my wallet. I have now ordered Barney Butter, Justin's Nut Butter, Clif-Z bars, and several other foods online after reading and seeing them on other people's blogs. At the store I bought some Peanut Butter & Co Cinnamon Raisin Peanut Butter and pumpkin to put in my oatmeal, Barbara's Peanut Butter Puffins, and some sort of Kashi Sunshine cereal after seeing that in people's blogs online. I have to say that pumpkin in oatmeal -- yum yum! I never would have thought of it!

I'm Still Here

Since confiding in my boss about my misery at work, I've felt SO much better about my job! I've actually begun to really enjoy work again, and have been having a lot of fun with my customers. The situation with my coworker hasn't really improved, but I have a lot of projects to complete right now, which keeps my mind off it. Oddly, though I've been much happier at work, I've been struggling with a vague sense of anxious unease. I haven't really taken the time to figure out why (which may be part of the problem -- crazy life), but I've really been fighting the urge to eat sweets after dinner again. It's been terrible on a daily basis. The other day I came very close to bingeing for the first time in at least nine months. I really need to sit by myself and just think for a while to try and ponder what it's all about. Fighting my urges is wearing me out.

My weight training at the Y is going very well. I've already increased the weight I'm lifting on most of the exercises. Our family has been going faithfully twice a week for the most part. It helps that C has swimming lessons on Saturday mornings now, which she LOVES. I've increased my workouts at home on the elliptical and stationary bike to 60 minutes, but I'm still resting 1-3 days a week. One week I worked out 6 times and thought, "WHOA chick -- you are starting the obsession again!" So I took two days off just to get out of that cycle.

Time to go do PJ Storytime! I'm very behind in my blog-reading, but hope to catch up this weekend with what all of you are doing.

Feeling Good Again

I'm feeling much more normal now, thank heavens. I weighed myself for the first time in about 6 weeks and was surprised to see that I'd lost a little more, weighing 156. I had prepared myself for a gain, considering the cookies and candy I'd eaten during the holiday season. I suppose the extra exercise I did helped offset the extra calories.

I saw my therapist this week for the first time in 8 weeks, and discussed my discomfort with people's comments on my weight loss. We discussed an inner script I could use when it happens, and she said that I might think about making a comment on being the same person inside if it seems appropriate at the time. I'm glad we had the talk because one of my storytime moms said, "You look so skinny!" when she saw me Thursday. I didn't feel much of anything, which is an improvement for sure.

The therapist and I also spent a long time talking about my job. Before my vacation in December, I'd really been thinking that I was really unhappy at work and felt really depressed that I was kind of stuck there for 20 more years. I wasn't sleeping well, wasn't doing much while at work, and actually hoped to get sick so I could stay home. During my vacation, I dropped off to sleep immediately almost every night and felt so relaxed. As soon as I started back at work, I started tossing and turning again and felt tense and unhappy at work. It dawned on me last week that my feelings were centered around one of my coworkers. She is supposed to be my "right hand woman", but shows no initiative whatsoever. If I suggest something, she doesn't do it. She is not a team player, and other coworkers complain about that to me often. She will do whatever I ask her to do, but doesn't do anything on her own. It's as though I'm her mother. She has also had complaints about her programs, so I have scheduled her to do as few as possible, taking on the majority myself. As a result I am burning out! I am not her boss though, so I really have no authority to do anything. I finally shared my feelings with my boss, who was very supportive and upset that it had gotten so bad for me. This particular woman's evaluation is coming soon, so my boss promised to address the issues then. On one hand, I feel great relief that it's all out in the open, but on the other hand, I'm worried that my coworker will blame me and think I have it out for her. As a person she's a very nice girl, but I just don't think she's cut out for this job.

I had my last session with the personal trainer -- boo hoo. I really enjoyed working with her and she has given me the confidence I needed to weight train on my own now. I was so afraid I would hurt my leg, but she has shown me that I really can use pretty heavy weights without injuring myself. I'm now excited to work on getting stronger!

Still a Struggle

I have been struggling a bit since New Year's Eve. After the hustle and bustle of Christmas was over, I felt a bit let down and at loose ends, and a couple of comments people have made to me about losing weight really got to me. I realize people mean well when they ask or comment, but I find it a major trigger. I try to shrug it off, but immediately feel nervous if I skip a day of exercise or judge that I've overeaten anything. I start to obsess about whether I may have gained weight or not, as well as how much weight I might lose by such-and-such date. It nearly sent me over the edge several times over the past week or so. I found myself walking into and out of the kitchen with that restless feeling, planning to skip my snack, exercising on my usual days off, and indulging in other old unhealthy behaviors. I came close to bingeing a few times, but managed to remind myself that I am NO LONGER THAT PERSON and that I'd feel horrible if I gave in to the urge. I did overeat purposely at dinner on New Year's Eve, as well as eating after dinner at the party we attended. I wouldn't call it a binge, but I was definitely uncomfortable (since I was still full from dinner!). For several days, I ate past satisfied at several meals, and then felt unhappy and panicky. I think I somehow want to regain the weight to prove to the people who made comments that I am still the same person and I'm not somehow better just because I'm thinner.

I finally calmed down enough a few days ago to explore what was going on with me, and decided that I am not going to allow myself to regress and have to start over again. I am not eating better or losing weight to please others. I've been concentrating on eating mindfully and stopping before I feel too full, even if it means leaving food on the plate. I do have difficulty throwing food away, but have wrapped it up for later several times, and had it for a snack when I got hungry -- or pitched it if it was yucky. I had a bunch of desserts left over from a family party last weekend, and debated about tossing them. I didn't until today because I don't want to be controlled by food. Today I finally got rid of one of them because the crust was all soggy and it was several days old. I probably still would have eaten it, to be honest, but it was no longer fabulously tasty so I ditched it. I have PLENTY of wonderful chocolate left from Christmas anyway.

I'm Back!

I didn't really mean to take a vacation from my blog as well as work, but it just worked out that way. My 15 days off work went really quickly, and though the time wasn't quite as fabulous as I had imagined it would be, I did manage to sit and relax for a few days. I spent three entire days wrapping and baking, which wasn't very rewarding at all. Next year, I'm going to choose only three types of candy or cookies and make large batches of them - instead of making one batch of 15 different kinds. Mark my words.

I have worked with the personal trainer at the Y for three sessions now. The first one was just an evaluation, goal-setting meeting. I shared my food and overexercise issues with her the minute she brought up weight loss as a possible goal, and after a few questions, she assured me that she didn't want to cause any relapse behavior and wouldn't bring it up again unless I did. We've had two workout sessions and WOW! I was so sore after both, I could barely move. I was amazed at how much I could do, however. She pushed me much more than I would have pushed myself, and, though my muscles hurt, my knee didn't hurt much more than usual. The walking lunges she made me do....oy! I have two more sessions with her and then I'm on my own.

I'm going to have to stop writing now, but I will say in parting that, though I haven't weighed myself since my last entry, I don't think I've put on more than a couple of pounds since my last entry. My pants are still just as loose. I did eat more than my share of sweets, but was very mindful at meals. I think that was the key. More later!

Slowing it Down

My weight is holding steady at 156.8, which is just fine with me. I have been focusing on eating more slowly these days, rather than bolting my food down as though someone were going to snatch my plate away at any given moment. A week ago I bit my tongue -- REALLY hard -- and it had a very large swollen place on the side of it. I was forced to eat very slowly at every meal for several days, and I realized how much more I enjoyed my food. I've been busily baking Christmas cookies and having to throw them away because they're stale. I've been freezing most to take to various parties, but kept some back for us to eat. Eating one cookie very slowly and savoring it is so much more rewarding than making myself sick by gobbling down half a dozen.

My dh has a surprise date planned for us tonight -- I am dying to know what it is! I will be extra happy to be out since today is my last day of work until December 29.

I have an appointment with a personal trainer on Monday evening. I'm hoping to have her help me come up with a weight training routine to build some muscle without injuring myself. I used to lift a lot (for a while I lived with a guy who was a competitive power lifter), but I'm scared to re-start with all of my current limitations. I'm a bit nervous, but also kind of excited.

Pain Free Knee...Someday?

I lost another pound. Now that I've lost some weight, I have really noticed a lessening of pain in my knee. It barely hurts now, when it used to hurt all the time. That almost makes me happier than buying new clothes! Here are a few pics from thanksgiving weekend. Princess is checking out the flock of turkeys in our front yard in the bottom picture.

A Taste of Success

My thanksgiving was lovely. I woke up far too early, but gave the dog a long walk, got my food in the oven, and even had time to paint my nails before everyone showed up at 11:30am. I asked people to help me instead of trying to do everything myself, and relaxed during dinner and after. I ate very mindfully and finished dinner feeling full, but not overfull. I really savored every bite of what I ate, and enjoyed the company. We had five pieces of pie left over, and there are still three in the fridge. The M&M cookies I made a week ago are still in the cookie jar, probably stale. My positive experience with this past holiday gives me hope for Christmas.

I had "the talk" with T, and it went fairly well. He didn't say much, but he rarely does. We did agree that we'd have a new evening routine: while I make dinner, he will relax and read the paper or play on the computer; after dinner he will do dishes while I relax; then we will both help the girls get ready for bed and read to them, or play a game all together. We'll try to get them into bed earlier than our usual 8pm, both because they both need more sleep than they've been getting, and because it will give us more leisure time before we go to bed, which is usually around 9pm.

He did ask, "So, then when are you going to do things like pay the bills?" I told him I hadn't worked that out yet. I would share the responsibility with him, but he has absolutely no interest in learning anything about it. From our pre-marriage experience, I can assure you that he just wouldn't do it and everything would end up being late. Since we talked, he has been extra helpful around the house. I don't know if it will last, but I'm hoping.

Simplicity = Peace

I woke up at 4:18am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so I gave up at 4:40 and got up. After walking the dog, I baked two pies, cooked 8 lbs of potatoes, baked cornbread for tomorrow's stuffing, set the table for tomorrow (I'm now hosting 12 or 14), did the dishes, washed some laundry, bathed C, exercised, and got ready for work -- all before noon! I'm very glad that I got so much done today. Tomorrow will hopefully be easy and stress free. I told my therapist yesterday that I've forced myself to dial back about 25 times over the past few weeks. Every time I got the notion that I would cook this or that fabulous dish for thanksgiving, I'd remind myself that every year I end up hot, tired, miserable, crabby, and resentful by the time the meal is served. Then I end up soothing myself with too much dinner and/or dessert. This year I'm keeping it simple. I'm not baking homemade rolls. I'm not making three desserts. I'm not trying four new casserole dishes. No, no, no. People are bringing various dishes and I'm making only turkey, stuffing, potatoes, cranberry sauce, gravy, and pumpkin pie. So what if we have store-bought rolls? I will be relaxed and able to enjoy my guests and the meal.

I confessed my episodes of going hungry to the therapist, but assured her that I realized what I was doing and was now having a snack mid-morning. I told her that I'm feeling so good that I'm sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. There have been periods in my life when I've been stable emotionally, not starving myself or bingeing, and kept a lower weight, but something always happens -- I overeat at a few meals and gain a few pounds, or some other trigger -- and suddenly I'm right in that cycle of waking up every day determined to be on a diet and "blowing it" by the end of the day, cycling between going hungry and having a binge. She pointed out that I am a different person now. I am now someone who deals with her emotions without using food. I now realize that overeating at one meal is not a diasaster. She suggested that I continue to remind myself of that and say to myself that things are great and will be great from now on, rather than wondering when it will all fall apart.

It had been ninety days since we wrote out a treatment plan and as we looked over the goals we'd set for the past ninety days, I was pleased to see that I'd achieved most of them. I haven't binged, I've improved my relationship with food, I've stopped obsessing over food and my weight all the time, and I've been more expressive of my feelings at work and at home. I still need to work on the last one though, and we made that one of the new goals.

We had a long discussion after I admitted that I often feel resentful that I do so much more at home than my husband does. He tries hard and has vastly improved in doing his share, but there are still many times when, for example, I am sitting and paying bills while he reads or plays around on the computer. I realized that it isn't so much that I expect him to be scrubbing the bathroom while I pay bills, but I resent him relaxing and enjoying himself. If he were playing a game with the girls or reading to them, I'd be okay. I promised her that I would have a talk with him about this issue. I'm dreading it because in the past, I often managed to say the wrong thing, he got very defensive, and we ended up not changing anything. I will try to choose my words very carefully, This is a very important issue for me and I don't want to end up stuffing my feelings because I'm afraid to confront them.

ZZZzzzzzz............

Thanks Cilly! I called my doctor and she told me to simply take both Wellbutrin pills in the morning. On Friday, I was in bed at 7:15pm! I've been falling asleep easily since starting that regimen. Whew.

I saw 158.2 on the scale this morning. I noticed that I was able to zip and snap my ski bibs for the first time in 2+ years this week. All last winter I had to wear them unzipped while walking the little Princess.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I feel kind of guilty that I've lost weight because there have been several mornings that I didn't eat between breakfast and lunch even though I was very hungry. I had promised her that I'd feed myself when hungry. For the past few days I've been trying to eat a snack when I'm hungry because I don't want to fall into the pit of disordered eating again. I have definitely NOT been undereating overall, so I don't feel scared that it will happen. I've been eating a cookie or a few french fries here and there when I want them, but I've really been doing well at not overeating at meals. Sometimes it is very difficult to just sit there after eating one piece of pizza and my salad, knowing that I'm no longer hungry, but wanting more.

My brother and his family are in Michigan this week, visiting from Seattle. They aren't staying with us, but we will be able to see them tomorrow evening and the day after thanksgiving. It's not nearly enough, but it's better than nothing! I am a virtual stranger to my three nephews and it makes me sad. T and I have a new nephew, born to his brother and wife in England. We won't see him in person until June. I used to wonder why people would want to live in the same town they grew up in, but now that I'm older I can see the advantages of being close to family.

Sleep, Where Art Thou?

I weighed 159.4 yesterday morning. I think this is the first time I've been in the 150s since April 2006, when I was dismayed to see the highest weight I'd been in 15 years. Now, I'm thinking I look pretty good. I finally took some of my size 12s (that were so loose they looked like clown pants) out of my closet and packed them in a box for Goodwill. I bought a pair of new pants last week, along with some new tops and sweaters. All of the size 10 pants I tried on fit, though of course some fit better than others. Sizes, oy!

I've still been having a terrible time sleeping. I don't think it's the Wellbutrin, since I'm taking my first dose at 4:55am and my second dose at 11am. (On a side note, I had to buy a watch with an alarm because I kept forgetting to take it!) I also gave up caffeine completely. I wonder if it's now psychological. I'm worried that I'll have trouble falling asleep so I have trouble falling asleep. After I finally fall asleep, I sleep well except that I've been waking up at 4am this week. I don't feel especially sleepy during the day, but I can't help but think it's going to catch up with me sooner or later.

I realized this morning that I haven't had the slightest urge to binge for at least a few weeks. Occasionally, a thought of "oh, I shouldn't have eaten that, maybe I'll now eat this" pops into my head, but I am immediately able to realize how stupid that is and squelch that little voice. I've been taking more time to do the things I want to do, rather than dust and re-organize the linen closet and other things that have been niggling at my perfectionistic self. After dinner these days I am doing things like going downstairs to work on trying to organize my scrapbooking materials, or going to the YMCA with the family. I think this is serving two purposes; I'm not anywhere near the kitchen and don't even think about food unless I'm hungry, and I'm doing something that doesn't make me feel stressed or anxious and I don't want to procrastinate. I may have cobwebs hanging from my ceiling for the next 15 years, but I won't be miserably stuffing myself with food.

On a Cold November Day

Huh. It's snowing outside. I guess winter is truly here....sigh. My scrapbooking weekend was tiring (lots of snoring women in that cabin!), but I got 44 pages done! It poured the entire weekend, and was very windy to boot, so I didn't get any walks in at all. I ate very mindfully -- it helped that the food served at meals was quite mediocre. I probably snacked a bit more than I needed to, but weigh the same, so no harm done.

Last night we went out with T's brother and his wife to dinner and to a local improv group. The improv show was very funny and it was great to laugh for two hours straight. At dinner I ordered a turkey reuben and fries. The sandwich was good and I at 3/4 of it, but the fries were only okay, so I only ate a few. I was quite full, but not overly so, and felt good about leaving most of the fries behind. In the past I would have eaten every crumb on my plate because it was food I didn't normally allow myself to have.

Here are a few pics from the last few months:

Me (with C) on the day I walked in the 5K to raise money for breast cancer.

T and me celebrating our 13th anniversary with a nice dinner out.

I went with C's class to the apple orchard (it was FREEZING!)

I was in charge of C's halloween party at school and T was able to stop by.

I went trick-or-treating with a pirate and a green fairy who got very annoyed that everyone thought she was Tinkerbelle.

It's That Time of Year Again

Tomorrow (at 3:15pm!) I leave for my annual 3-day scrapbooking weekend. Last year's weekend was better than the year before's weekend was, in terms of mindful eating. I'm hoping that this year's will be the best yet!

I only had to wait in line 5 minutes to vote, even though I went at 5pm. I was prepared with a book, snacks, and C's birthday thank you notes, but barely had time to put my driver's license away before it was my turn. I am completely amazed that we elected an African American president. We had an African American foster child for almost four years when I was a little girl. She came to live with us at age 6 weeks because her mother was in jail. Some people at our church went to the priest and asked that he talk to us because they didn't want us bringing her to church. Thankfully, he had a little talk with them instead. That was in the early 1970s -- and look how far we've come!

Just Passing By...

Not much to report -- sleeping better, weight is 160.8, still feeling peaceful about eating and food. R and I had "girly day" yesterday and went to Red Robin for dinner. I only ate 3 french fries because they didn't taste that great to me. That's kind of incredible for me. I didn't eat most of my bun either because the burger was so huge and I really wanted the meat and toppings.

Halloween was not difficult for me this year. I ate about 5 mini candy bars with the girls after we trick-or-treated, but that was it -- and I didn't feel guilty about it. We've had halloween candy sitting around our house for a month and it hasn't been too tempting. I've eaten a hershey kiss here and there, but mostly I forget it's even there.

I have a bunch of pictures that I really want to post, but my life is still wildly busy. Soon, I hope.

Full Steam Ahead

Things are still going well for me. This past weekend brought me two birthday parties (with the requisite cake, ice cream, and fabulous food) and I ate just until full at both. In fact, I even skipped the ice cream all together(!). I've had an open package of graham crackers in my cupboard for about ten days(!), and I don't think I've eaten a single piece of halloween candy. I've been doing well at not thinking unhealthy thoughts -- I've been so busy at home and work that I forget to eat sometimes and get too hungry, but I haven't overreacted by eating to "stuffed" level. There was one night when I was hungry at bedtime and had the brief thought that if I didn't eat anything, I'd lose weight faster. I reminded myself that my life wasn't about starving myself anymore and had a cup of lentil chicken stew from the freezer -- and a few Doritoes.

The last time I weighed myself, I was at 162. Most of my size 10 pants fit well and some are even a bit loose. Sizes are so weird. I have one pair of size 10 Levi brand jeans that fits perfectly, and two pair of 10s in the same brand that I can't even pull all the way up. I am really enjoying the fact that I can look at my closet and know that I can wear almost everything in it now.

I'm still sleeping badly. I cut my caffeine intake to 1/2 cup of coffee in the morning and started taking my second dose of Wellbutrin no later than 11am. I've had a few nights of good sleep, but most of the time it takes me FOREVER to fall asleep and I wake up several times during the night for no conceivable reason. I wonder if maybe it has something to do with premenopause. I'm still having my period like clockwork every month, but sometimes when I awaken at night I feel really HOT. Not like a hot flash, but just like I have too many covers on. Yet when I go to sleep I'm really chilly and need all those covers. Ah, the joys of being 44.

What a Pill

I feel as though I have officially reached middle age. After a visit with my doctor last week, I am now taking daily medication for cholesterol, SAD, and birth control, as well as fish oil, vitamin D and calcium, CoQ10, and something I can't even remember the name of for joints. I'm going to have to get one of those gigantic pill holders to remember everything. She also gave me a new migraine med to try. For my SAD, she put me on Wellbutrin and, so far, I've had no ill side effects. If anything I feel a bit toooo peppy. Last week at work, I felt like the Energizer Bunny and ended up with 2000 extra steps on my pedometer. I've been having terrible trouble sleeping, but that started before last week, so maybe it has nothing to do with the drug. I skipped my noon dose yesterday and still tossed and turned horribly.

On to my weekend. It was great. Well, parts of it were great. Friday at the chili cookoff, I ate until full but stopped before I felt too full. In fact, by the time we got home at midnight, I felt a bit hungry. On Saturday, as I dressed to go scrapbooking, my dh called me from soccer practice to tell me that a friend had been killed in a motorcycle/car accident the night before. This was a guy T went to the Police Academy with, worked with in his first job as a deputy, and has been good friends with for years. We used to belong to a motorcycle club with him and his wife. T urged me to go ahead to scrapbooking, but I knew I had to go to him when he broke down crying. I flew out the door sobbing and drove over there. I was composed when I got there, but promptly sobbed all over T's chest. I stayed for the soccer game, but we were both composed by the end, and he told me to go ahead to my crop and take R. I still wavered, but he insisted. I knew he'd be on the phone all day with friends in law enforcement anyway, so I went. Once there, I was confronted by doughnuts, several homemade desserts, chocolate, and more. I skipped the doughnuts and the chocolate. At lunch, I ate some soup and salad, and a few bites of the desserts.

We went out to dinner with T's siblings, which was really good for him, as he got a chance to laugh. I only ate about 1/3 of my entree and was just fine. On Sunday at our block party, I took really, really small helpings of the main dishes so I could sample all of the yummy pumpkin and apple desserts. I'm sure I ate what would have amounted to two pretty large pieces of dessert, but I was not too full and felt good about what I'd eaten. I enjoyed every bite of the fabulous food. Unlike last year, I didn't overeat and didn't go home and binge on the leftovers. I feel so peaceful about my behavior and thoughts this past weekend. I made the choice to eat mindfully and not stress out about having little control over what I was going to eat, and I did it!

I'm doing quite well, except that there's so much going on in my life that my head is spinning. After soccer ends for the girls, things should slow down. A bit. I'm feeling a bit anxious about this weekend because I have: a chili cookoff to attend tonight; an all-day scrapbooking event tomorrow (always lots of unhealthy food), followed by a dinner out with T's siblings and spouses; and our annual block party on Sunday (everyone is supposed to bring an apple or pumpkin dish for the cookoff). It's an all food all the time weekend. I've been feeling so great that I don't want to freak out and make this a horrible weekend. So, I'm not going to. I'm going to eat mindfully and stop before I have that "too full" feeling. So it won't be such healthy fare. It's one weekend out of my life. Tune in Monday to see how I did.

I saw my therapist this week, and she's happy with my progress. Her only assignment for me is to work on stopping my irrational thoughts sooner. I shall endeavor to complete my assignment well.

Last weekend was a very full one with little down time (always a trigger for me) . As I sat down to pay bills (also always a trigger for me), I started to feel the urge to binge. At first I was so distracted by the desire that I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I paced around a bit, trying to soothe myself with little success. Finally, I got a little snack packet of cookies to sit down with and decided that I would ride out my urge. I reasoned that it couldn't possibly last forever. As I got involved in paying the bills, it was still there but I ignored it. When I finished, I wavered as I stood in the kitchen putting the leftover detritus in the recycling bag. I reminded myself that I was riding it out and went upstairs to get ready for bed. After I did my bedtime routine and got into bed to read for a bit, I realized that the urge had lessened. It didn't really completely go away before I went to sleep, but wasn't there any longer in the morning. It was really an empowering feeling to know that I'd faced the urge and beaten it without escaping the house on my bike or on foot. I stayed right there and didn't give in.

I had never really thought about why sitting down to pay bills is a trigger for me until I read this in Karen Koenig's blog and it struck a chord with me...

there's the anxiety response from childhood which "makes" you turn to food. Because you know exactly when the munchies will hit, prepare yourself. Recognize that the appointed hour will come and you'll want to eat. Plan to do something else, either distracting or comforting or both. Anticipate that you'll have mega-anxiety and reframe your beliefs to help you ride it out. If someone trustworthy is around, enlist their help in getting you through the anxiety without eating. If you have feelings connected to the anxiety, write them out or cry or scream. Talk yourself through the moment. You reinforce your "need" for food every time you eat out of anxiety and move toward extinguishing the behavior every time you resist it.

I remember watching my mother pay the bills and worrying so over every penny. She used to have to juggle things to have enough to cover everything. Making her grocery list involved also listing the price of each food next to its name so that she knew exactly how much the bill would be. It was very anxiety-producing to watch her go through this ordeal week after week. I think that even though we have enough money to pay our bills every month, I still worry that I will end up like my mom. There was so little money that having something break was a major trauma. There was a very odd time that she rationed toilet paper to us and told us that when we ran out we'd have to use newspaper. Then there was the time she discovered someone had left a radio on all night. She took away everything we had that used electricity, including our light bulbs, because she wanted to prove to us how much we were wasting. That was the reality of my childhood.

Another Monday...

...another crazy week gone. Kids' soccer is ridiculously time-consuming with four practices and two games every week. At least one of their practices is at the same time in the same place! I keep telling myself I can make it -- only four more weeks to go. This past weekend we had our monthly Retrouvaille support group meeting and T and I presented the second great date in the "10 Great Dates" program. I was nervous and ate two brownies I hadn't intended to consume. We went to a local bookstore for our date so we could buy a book for a party we had the next day. As we settled in at the cafe to chat, it seemed that our date was only going to last five minutes. The questions were all about feelings, and since dialogue in Retrouvaille is all about sharing feelings, we are already used to talking about them. We ended up talking for half an hour or so because we veered off topic a bit, and later T told me he was really glad we did. We found out some things we didn't know before. On the questionnaire, we had to write our feelings about various situations (when you compliment me, when you touch me, etc), and one of the statements was "when you tell me you love me". He wrote that he felt happy and relieved, which really surprised me. He said that after all of the trouble in our marriage, he really needed that validation. Huh. I usually think of myself as the more nervous of the two of us when it comes to "us", but apparently we're both somewhat fragile. I wonder how many years of distance from our separation it will take before we're no longer scared.

We went to a surprise birthday party on Sunday, which was fun. Is it bad that I was very relieved that the birthday "cake" was coconut cream pie? I can take or leave that easily, and left it. I've been struggling a bit with my eating, but I think it is not due to trying to lose weight as much as it is to my wild schedule. I find myself grabbing the nearest food, no matter the nutrition, because I've not had time to eat my snack and I'm ravenous. Lately, I have had very little down time to do anything at all, let alone things I want to do. My house is a gigantic mess. When it's in such a state I have great difficulty doing anything but trying to clean, yelling at my kids, and crabbing at my husband. I haven't had the time to devote to cooking nice meals or even making a good shopping list for the store.

I was doing my grocery shopping last night at 8pm, and just tossing a bunch of boring vegetables into my cart because I hadn't had time to peruse my recipes. I had to wake up at 5am this morning and skip exercising (except for the dog walking) so that I'd have time to snuggle with my dh and get dinner in the slow cooker. We have only half an hour total after getting home from work before rushing off to soccer practice, so that usually leaves out cooking a lovely meal. Last night we had frozen french fries (I did bake them!) and chicken strips because the cupboards and freezer were bare! At least now I have food for a few meals this week, as well as salad makings. I need to make myself slow down and not get so hungry that I end up with potato chips and brownies for dinner. I don't know how on earth to make more free time, so I think I'll just have to try and live with the stress, messiness, and cranky feelings for just a few more weeks.

Cake Eating, sans Drama

Whoa-- what a weekend. Friday night my dh was working (making extra $$ working security at the football game), so I was a single parent. I was completely stressed out, trying to bake a cake for R's birthday party the next day, make stew for her family birthday lunch on Sunday, make dinner for the three of us, clean up for the party, walk the dog, and get to bed at a decent hour. At one point, C was having a breakdown about something and I wanted to have a breakdown too. I really just wanted to run downstairs and fling myself headlong into the halloween chocolate in the living room candy dish. Instead I took some deep breaths, washed my face, and got on with all of the crap I had to do. It was a much better solution.

Saturday morning I zipped across town to walk in a 5K to raise money for breast cancer. I was very pleased to find that I can still walk quickly (with the dog, it's walk. stop. sniff. walk. stop. sniff....) and finished in about 75 minutes. I zipped back across town for C's soccer game, then went home to finish preparations for R's birthday slumber party. Seven giggly girls arrived, got glammed up with fancy hairdos and makeup, and we all drove downtown for a photo shoot. They had a ball and felt really gorgeous in their finery. The highlight of the evening was when we ran into the homecoming queen and her friends. They asked the girls to pose for a picture with them, and the girls were over the moon. Not much sleep was had by anyone at our house that night, but they had a wonderful time. I ate a small piece of cake and a small scoop of ice cream and left it at that. Did I want more? Of course. I may even have eaten more if I'd been alone. I wasn't alone and just looked at it longingly for a few minutes before reminding myself that I could have more tomorrow. It was okay to leave it.

Sunday, a bunch of family members came over for lunch and we had a pleasant time visiting. More cake and ice cream was eaten and no spectacular binge urges followed. T and I went off to bowling, where I bowled above my (82) average all three games. I even bowled a 122 on my second game! I woke up this morning thinking, "Where did my weekend go?". I'd lost another pound when I weighed myself Saturday, making about 13 total pounds lost since mid July. It's amazing how "skinny" I feel, since at 164, I still weigh more than I have since about 1991. I guess it's all about perspective.

Someone asked in my comments if I'd journaled about my (mostly) avoiding a binge. I didn't really (except for writing about it here), but that is a good idea. Once I get some distance from the situation, it's difficult to remember what caused it and how I felt about it.

Let Me Eat Cake

Remember when I posted the piece of writing my therapist gave me last June about the hole in the sidewalk? I have it posted on my refrigerator and I look at it often. Over the past few weeks, I've been reading it and wondering if perhaps I was finally walking down a different street. Yesterday my mind forgot the new route and took a detour back to the old path -- and straight down the hole. Luckily, I only fell a few feet before I grabbed a handhold and clawed my way out.

My day started with me determined to have a South Beach phase one kind of day with no fruit or grains because we were headed to my SIL's at noon to celebrate three family birthdays. I had baked all three cakes and really wanted to try two of them, so I wanted that to be my only "indulgence" of the day. I decided I'd have two small pieces and savor them. My plan went off-track immediately -- probably because of those "you can't have..." thoughts. My older daughter wanted breakfast in bed for her birthday (a family tradition) because she won't be able to get it next Sunday on her birthday (8 sleepover friends will be here). I made her eggs and cinnamon rolls. The rolls smelled so good that I ate part of one. I immediately regretted it and judged it a bad start to my day.

At my SIL's I ate two smallish pieces of cake. In spite of sticking to my plan and not feeling overfull, I started thinking I was a failure because I was struggling not to eat a bunch more cake. Coincidentally (?), I developed a blinding headache within 15 minutes of eating the cake. My thoughts took off in all sorts of irrational directions and by the time I left her house I was convinced that I'd never be able to eat cake again in any moderate fashion. It would always give me a headache, I could never control myself around it, etc. At home, I put the cakes away and ate some more as I did it -- not a binge amount, but more that I didn't really want. Then I felt guilty.

After dinner, my dh left to take R to religious ed and C to the park. I was totally in a state and just wanted to binge! binge! binge! binge! binge! Cake! Then onto the ice cream I'd bought for R's birthday party! Then more cake!...... I stood in indecision, trying to calm myself and talk myself out of bingeing. I'd just feel worse afterward. Yes, I'd eaten too much cake, but I'd hardly eaten anything else all day. If I binged, I'd just be adding more calories to the damage -- and more guilt. I couldn't quite seem to talk myself out of it. So, I decided that I'd eat a few bites of each cake and then leave the house for a bike ride. Not a bike ride to punish myself as much as to release some of my pent-up feelings, and maybe to burn off a few of the calories too.

Within 3 miles I felt calmer. As I rode, I stopped thinking about cake and started reveling in the strength of my legs and the feel of the cool evening air. I rode 13 miles or so, and arrived home with no desire to eat anything at all. Today, I feel pretty normal. I had a terrible headache again this morning -- so bad I left work at noon. It's now gone for the most part, and I feel okay. I feel confident that one of these days I WILL be walking down a different street for good.

South Beach, Week Three

Life is crazily busy these days, but I'm still plugging away at the South Beach diet. I haven't been super strict with it because I don't want to allow any room for binge thoughts, but for the most part, I'm sticking with it. I haven't eaten much fruit yet -- one banana and one apple is all. I've had a grain serving each day -- whole wheat pasta and whole wheat pizza crust both tasted yummy.

I've had a few irrational thoughts here and there, but have been able to squelch them pretty easily. A couple of evenings ago I ate a bit too much -- after my piece of pizza and salad I was fine, but finished off C's piece of pizza and felt overfull. I felt a bit freaked out and couldn't seem to calm myself. My irrational thoughts were flying off in every direction. I was awfully jittery and feared a binge if I hung around the house. I told T I needed to burn off some excess energy and took the dog and little C for a 45 minute walk. By the time I got back home I had put things in perspective -- it was 1 1/2 pieces of pizza, not 1 1/2 pizzas! -- and felt calm and perfectly fine again. Whew.

I weigh myself again Monday, and I'm quite curious to see if I've lost any more weight. I have to make three birthday cakes for a family celebration on Sunday -- nothing like testing myself, eh? I made a batch of cookies last weekend, but didn't really want more than one out of the entire batch. One was enough. What a wonder.

Sooooooooooo Gooooooooooood!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a lovely bowl of creamy Scottish Oatmeal with walnuts on it this morning and wow, did it taste fantastic! I made it through phase one of the South Beach diet and plan to re-introduce grains or fruit with only one serving a day at first.

Last night we had to run the registration for our Retrouvaille weekend and dinner was served to us. T had offered to stop and get me a salad on the way, but (naturally) we didn't pass a single restaurant! I was forced to either remain ravenous or eat a turkey and cheese sub on a white bun and a sweet potato for dinner. Oh, the irony. I skipped the sugary baked apples, Chex Mix, potato chips, cookies, and brownies that were also on the table. It may have been coincidental, but after eating that sandwich I had terrible bloating and gas for the rest of the evening! I was also hungry by bedtime. I was so exhausted that I just went to sleep without eating anything. My daily calories were about 1600 so I wasn't too worried.

This morning I was a bit discouraged to see a 1 lb gain on the scale. TOM is due on Monday, so I'm hoping that is the explanation. For a brief moment I just wanted to chuck the whole idea of eating healthfully and dig into the Pop Tarts. I regained my senses since that would only make me feel miserable. Instead of chowing down on sugary carbs, I hopped on my stationary bike for a while. Now I'm off to set up my new laptop and pay bills. What an exciting life I lead, eh?

Dreaming of Oatmeal

I'm on day 11 of the South Beach Diet and, I swear, I am longing for a nice creamy bowl of oatmeal. I have had no wild cravings for any of the junk food, ice cream, or cookies in our kitchen at home, and no great difficulty not eating any of the selection of tasty treats at work. Bread is not calling my name. However, when R requested oatmeal a few days ago for breakfast, I had great difficulty in not eating a gigantic bite of its lovely creaminess before handing it to her. That is the first thing I'm going to eat in phase 2 (on Saturday!).

I made my list of behaviors and irrational thoughts to be aware (or beware!) of, and have been checking it when I remember. I've had no freakish thoughts or behaviors so far. When I weighed myself on Saturday, I geared up for disappointment just in case I hadn't actually lost any weight, but had lost four pounds! Of course, it's probably all of the water from my muscles since my carb intake has been pretty low, but my pants are definitely looser. I got a pair of size 12 pants ($9.99 on clearance!) from J Jill last summer that I hadn't yet worn (because they were velvet) and when I put them on yesterday they were almost too large.

I can honestly say that I haven't really been hungry unless I miss a snack or a meal for some reason. There are some days when I put in my calorie intake at Sparkpeople and it's barely 1300 calories for the day. I find that so weird since I was ravenous on 1800 calories before starting SB. I think I usually eat about 1600. The recipes I've made from the books continue to be yummy too. I've had to eat differently from my family for some meals (last night they ate pizza due to soccer practice but I had leftovers -- stuff like that), but for the most part I've been feeding them what I'm eating.

My dh is back from his long weekend trip with his coworkers, thank heavens! Being a single parent for 5 days was AWFUL. I don't remember it being that stressful when we were separated, but we didn't have the dog and neither girl was involved in any sports or activities. Wow, does that make a difference! We had R's first soccer practice last night in pouring, cold rain. Ick.

Day Five On the Beach

I started the South Beach Diet on Saturday and so far, it's been a piece of cake (so to speak). I was quite hungry the first day, which concerned me, but haven't really been abnormally hungry since then, unless I skip a snack. I get hungry an hour or so before mealtime, but that's pretty normal for anyone. I've made several of the recipes from the book and they've all been quite delicious, filling, and satisfying. I've had a spinach fritatta, Cheesy Vegetable Fritatta, broccoli soup, Gingered Pork Loin, Spaghetti Squash Casserole, Taco Bake, and a South Beach-friendly "pancake" (made with egg whites, light ricotta cheese, and an egg) which is probably the only thing I've eaten that I didn't care for. I've also discovered that I'm not a fan of eggplant. I've rediscovered my love for hummus, and found that I really like spaghetti squash. I'd never eaten ricotta cheese in my life before this week unless it was in an Italian dish or cheesecake, but with 1/2 tsp of sugar and a dash of vanilla extract in it, it's quite yummy. I'm not "supposed" to eat sugar, but since I don't eat artificial sweetener....well, I figured 1/2 tsp isn't really going to affect things.

My family has eaten the dinners described above without complaint, and in the case of Taco Bake, even with praise. Of course, the girls have no idea I'm "on a diet", but they haven't commented on my skipping dessert every day. Perhaps I am not, after all, the center of the universe. I thought it would be more difficult to go without bread and fruit, but I haven't had any mad desire to start chowing down on the cookies in the cupboard. Even at work today, when I saw that someone had brought in a HOMEMADE loaf of bread, all I felt was a mild regret. I made two pies for our annual Labor Day cookout and briefly considered freezing a small piece of each to eat later, but decided that it certainly won't be the last time I'll ever see pie.

It has been brought home to me -- yet again -- how often I mindlessly lick a spoon or take a bite of something. When I made the pies, it was hard not to lick the bowl. When I make lunch for the girls, it's hard not to finish their banana or apple or take a potato chip. It's such a habit for me to do so. Maybe this two weeks will help break me of it. Maybe not.

I saw my therapist today and asked her if she thought it was a bad idea for me to try and lose some weight, provided I was committed to doing so without overexercising or undereating. She was cautiously approving of it. She gave me the "homework" assignment of making a list of what my warning signs would be -- the warning signs that I was slipping back into disordered eating or thoughts. I know some of them would be:

• avoiding or dreading social situations because of tempting food -- or even taking my own food
• exercising extra to burn off calories if I overeat
• eating sugar-free food or "fake" low calorie foods
• going hungry -- especially going to bed hungry
• cutting out lots of high calorie recipes that I will never allow myself to make
• feeling deprived because I "can't" have ______ food
• being afraid of food

I'll have to ponder it some more to see if there are others. She advised me to make a checklist for myself and look at it every single night to make sure I'm not regressing. I have to email her updates until I see her again too.

We discussed my feelings about T, and I made her a promise that I would start the ball rolling with our dialoguing, which we haven't really gotten around to doing any of since our talk. Today is a bad day to start because I work until 8:15pm and he is going out of town at 4am tomorrow until late Monday, but we have to start sometime! We also discussed (again!) the need for me to take more "time out" for myself. I confessed that I always have the best intentions, but then I notice "just one more thing" that needs doing before I can relax. She suggested that perhaps those things could wait, but to be honest, that just creates more stress for me as things pile up. You can only put off doing the laundry or paying the bills or doing the daily picking up for so long. If you do put it off, it only makes the job bigger. My family helps -- if I ask them too -- but I get so tired of always having to ask. That's probably every mom's mantra, isn't it?

Back to School

We had two back-to-school open houses yesterday. C's kindergarten open house was at 1pm -- very low key. The teacher said hello and C ran off to play. I chatted with a few moms and that was it. R's 5th grade open house was much more involved. Our school system starts middle school with 5th grade, so we went to meet the two main teachers she'll have and hear all about the curriculum, rules, etc. She eats lunch at 10:40am!

I know it's goofy, but I love going to orientations! I love seeing the classrooms all decorated for fall; talking to all of my daughter's friends; feeling the excitement in the halls from kids, parents, and teachers; signing up for all of the volunteer opportunities, and hearing all about all of the great stuff the kids will be doing over the course of the year. My dh, OTOH, was ready to go home as soon as we got there. Spoilsport.

I have felt so much better about my dh since I told him how I'd been feeling. It's very hard for him to provide me with the kind of openess I need. Cops just hold everything "close to the vest" and are used to having to wear a neutral mask for the public. Sometimes they forget to take it off at home. Another part of my discontent has to do with my job. I've been trying to put more energy and enthusiasm into it, but I just keep wishing I were doing something else. I suppose my situation isn't going to change anytime soon, so I'd best make up my mind to make the best of it and get on with life.

I've been trying to prepare for starting the South Beach Diet by making sure I don't eat much fruit or bread/pasta/rice. That's not so hard, but doing without the sugar sure is! There are many times that I reach for something and think, "Hmmm..I won't be able to eat this on South Beach." Of course, it's usually something that isn't healthy for me anyway! I'm going to start SB on Saturday, but I'm going to monitor my feelings and reactions very carefully. If I start to feel "bingey", that's it -- my diet experiment is DONE. I've gone too long without bingeing to start that up again now.

Here We Go Again...in More Ways Than One

Since the last time I saw my therapist (3.5 weeks ago or so) and rambled on to her about how well things were going, my eating has been very up and down. No binges, but days of peaceful eating followed by days of overeating. I realized that I needed to figure out what was eating me if I wanted that peace to last longer than two days, and spent some time pondering what I was avoiding with ice cream and pop tarts. I came to the conclusion that my marriage was troubling me. Our summer has been so busy that we've seriously neglected "us" and haven't even had more than one or two dates by ourselves. As a result, our emotional connection has withered. On our dinner date I struggled with conversation that didn't include the children or friends and their doings. I'm descending to that dark place in which I minutely examine T's every look and action for signs of unhappiness with me -- and everything he does annoys and irritates me. The other day I was actually thinking that I'd be relieved if we got divorced and I was daydreaming about moving into a condo with the girls. That's when I knew I really needed to talk to him about my feelings.

So I bit the bullet last night -- only because he asked me what was wrong and said that it looked like something was bothering me when I attempted to demur. I told him of my thoughts and he didn't argue. We agreed to start doing our dialogue questions again (a Retrouvaille technique), and to schedule some dates together. I bought some tickets to upcoming symphony concerts (the Magical Music of Walt Disney, 3 Men and a Tenor, The Music of the Eagles, and Pops Goes Vegas), and we chose some other dates to have breakfast together, go out to dinner for our anniversary, and have an afternoon date on a Sunday. Our bowling league starts September 14 (drat!) and will be from 3:30-6:30pm this year, so I suggested that we might have dinner together after bowling on some Sundays. Sometimes I wonder if marriage is this difficult for everyone or if we're just not really meant for each other. I love him and would be devastated if anything happened to him, but we're really very different. Well, I'll soldier on and see if I can get over this blah period.

So....I've been considering going on the South Beach Diet. I know, I know...you're thinking that I'm kidding myself. The only diet I've ever stayed on for longer than 3 days was Weight Watchers -- and I think I lasted 7 days on that before I went over my allotted number of points. However, my main problem with all of the diets I've ever tried is HUNGER. I am always ravenous and finally give in and end up face first in a bag of potato chips. I read the old SB book, the new SB book, and did a LOT of reading online about SB. I haven't found a single person who said she was hungry while on SB, and all said they lost weight, lowered their cholesterol, and had all sorts of fantastic results on SB. As a result of trying to lower my triglycerides, I already only eat 1-2 servings of fruit a day and 1-2 servings of bread/cereal/rice/pasta anyway. The biggest stumbling block for me is the "no sugar" rule. I am not about to go back to eating artificial sweetener after giving it up last fall. I may try subbing agave nectar once I finish the first two weeks of the diet -- at least it's natural. It's low on the glycemic index too. I don't want to end up bingeing because I feel deprived in some way -- it's been months since I had a binge. The jury is still out, but I am seriously thinking of trying it. Let me know if you have any thoughts about it or experience with it.

Facing My Fear

Even though I've been back on my bike quite a bit this summer, I've been hesitant to recreate the route I took when I crashed three years ago. I just felt a weird superstitious notion that if I took the same path, I'd crash again or something else awful would happen. I set out on a ride this morning and it was gorgeous. As I neared the 10-mile mark, I thought, "Hey, if you ride just 5 miles farther, you'll reach the point you got to the day you crashed..." I decided to go for it, though I started feeling regrets around mile 12. The wind was strong and I was barely riding 8 m.p.h. I kept going and went 15.5 miles before turning around. On the way back, I felt a little thrill when I passed the fateful crash point, but I felt more of a sense of triumph than anything else. I arrive home, having ridden 31 total miles, and feeling great. My knees don't feel so great, but I am really glad I faced my fear and pushed past it.

Here are some pictures from my 44th birthday celebrations. I had a pleasant, though unremarkable birthday. T took me to dinner and a movie the night before "the day", and he had flowers waiting for me at the table when we arrived at the restaurant. That was a very nice surprise -- he really is quite a romantic at heart. We saw "Batman" after dinner, which was as good as the hype said it would be. I was disturbed to see pre-teen kids there, including some very young kids. It is NOT a movie for kids -- maybe not even for teens.

On my birthday, I went on my annual lunch at Arnie's. I usually go with my MIL, SIL, and aunt-in-law. This year my MIL's neighbor and two aunt-in-laws from the other side of the family joined us. It was fun, though I felt a bit geeky getting excited about having lunch with five "older" ladies! That evening we had dinner at a local Indian restaurant with my dad. Yum!

Busy!

At the 83rd Annual family golf tournament, R, T, and I all won golf balls. R had the highest girls' score (which, if you're unfamiliar with golf, isn't really a GOOD thing but she was happy just to win something), T had the lowest putts, and I had the highest putts. I shot an 81, which is pretty awful, but it could have been a 90, so it wasn't the worst score possible. We had fun, though my five-year-old only made it 6 holes before getting tired of the whole thing.

We had a local petting zoo come to the library last week, so I got my picture taken with the ball python they brought. I'm not really scared of snakes unless they surprise me in the yard.

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Last night T and I went with four friends to see the ABBA tribute band Waterloo in a concert. Our seats were quite far from the stage, but we still had a good time. Today I'm taking the girls to see stage show of "High School Musical", and then T and I have a wedding reception to attend. I can't believe we're old enough to have friends' children getting married, but this girl is the first! I was supposed to pick my dad up at the airport, but he and my aunt missed their flight from London.

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I've been pushing myself a bit more with the exercise and I definitely feel more of a high when I'm done. As for my eating, it has been quite normal over the past week. I've been tracking my food again and it isn't making me psycho. We've had ice cream in the freezer since our card party and I've only eaten a couple of bowls of it. I haven't had a binge in several months now, and my compulsive eating has been fairly absent since my visit to the therapist. Talking to her and admitting that I really wanted my restricting behavior to kick in again really seemed to help me feel a lot more peace about food and eating.

You Should(n't) Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Wow! Thank you all you kind people who made comments on my last post. I realized as I read it that I wrote "incisive" instead of "insightful". Thank you (Isabelle) for not pointing out my mistake. I know you noticed, even if no one else did!

Anyway, I will try to give people the benefit of the doubt and simply say "thank you" to their comments. Cilly's comment made me realize that I too fear falling back into the trap of wanting those compliments so much that I start undereating again. I think more than that however, I (the recovering people pleaser supreme) don't want people to notice my weight loss because I will then disappoint them when I regain all of the weight plus 20 pounds (so goes my thinking anyway). I'll never forget my grad school roommate's mom saying, "You look so good now that you lost weight. Don't gain it back now". Of course I did. Though she never mentioned it, I hid whenever she came to visit.

Four years ago when I lost weight on the "separation from dh diet", the coworker mentioned in the previous post lost weight on the South Beach Diet. We bonded over our weight loss, especially when I went on to lose more on the "got back together with dh diet". We gleefully discussed fat grams and sugar free desserts and the delights of size 6 pants for over a year. I still vividly remember going in to work to confess to her that I'd gained 6 pounds (because I was SURE it showed and she was eyeing me speculatively). She confessed to gaining 3 and we both vowed to redouble our weight loss efforts. When I came back to work after my leg healed, the first thing she said to me was, "Oh, I'm so glad you didn't gain the weight back! I just knew you'd be so worried about that!" These days I still feel a jolt of shame whenever I talk to her, wondering what she thinks now that I did gain back all of the weight, plus some.

In my heart of hearts, I KNOW being ashamed for gaining weight is absolutely ridiculous. It doesn't make me dumber, a worse mother or wife or librarian, or anything. It just makes me larger. I'm really trying to tell myself that people don't care, but that #!^% roommate's mom's comment pops into my head at the most inconvenient times. I try to picture myself making sarcastic comments to her.

Golfing was quite........long. It took the five of us (dh, me, R, C, and my SIL E) FOUR HOURS to play 9 holes of golf! The golf tournament on Sunday may not take quite as long since dh will golf in a foursome with people who can get the ball into the cup in fewer than 15 strokes. Oh my word, was I sore yesterday. My back, shoulders, arms, hand -- all hurt. Though part of the soreness may be from R and my push-up attempts. We are up to 17 "girl" push-ups now. We attempted one "real" push-up when we got to 10 and failed miserably. So we will try again once we get to 20.

I have come to the conclusion that I have been slacking on my exercise for months -- or maybe years. Oh, I exercise daily, but when comparing the way I feel while riding my stationary bike or elliptical to the way I felt when I did step aerobics before my biking accident, the difference is vast. During aerobics I could barely catch my breath and ended up drenched in sweat by the end. After exercise these days I have a smallish patch of sweat on my t-shirt, and during exercise there is no time I am in danger of becoming breathless. Yesterday and today I pushed harder -- and felt better when I finished.

A couple of people have made comments to me lately that have REALLY annoyed me. I'm trying to figure out why, but I'm having difficulty coming up with anything insightful. A woman who brings her grandson to storytime gushed in a loud voice, "Susan! How much have you lost?!?" When I looked at her blankly, she said, "How much weight have you lost? I LOT since last summer!" I said awkwardly, "Well, I don't weigh myself much but no, I'm pretty sure I haven't lost any." She proceeded to argue with me, finally ending with, "Well, you look great anyway." Then last week a coworker was passing me and made sort of an up and down motion with her hands, saying "You're losing weight again. I can tell." I answered, "No, I'm pretty sure I haven't". She also argued with me.

After both of these encounters, I felt vaguely squirmy and dirty. Do I not like attention drawn to the fact that I had gained weight, needed to lose weight, or am overweight? I do definitely feel that it is intrusive to comment on someone else's body, but I also realize that society is obsessed with weight and weight loss or gain. All you have to do is stand in line at the grocery store to realize that people delight in reading "I lost 100 pounds!" stories -- myself included. Judging by the trashier magazines, people also delight in reading about famous people who are caught looking fat, wrinkly, or dimpled by cellulite. I guess I wish I had the guts to say to people, "I know you mean well, but I find your comment very inappropriate". I can just imagine the look I'd get.

My list of reasons I want to be healthy is very short. I suppose that's okay, as long as it's sincere. I'll post it later, but right now I have to go put some clothes on. I took the day off work to spend with my family. We were headed to a local water park, but R fell off her bike last night and skinned her knee, elbow, and hand. So we are all going to play a round of golf together. The annual family golf tournament (I think it might be number 84!) is next Sunday and we need some practice.

The Glass IS Half Full....isn't it?

I am really trying to improve my outlook on life. I always thought of myself as an optimist, but somehow along the way my Pollyanna attitude has turned rather Grinchy. This was brought home to me by a rather embarrassing comment made by R: "Mom! Why do you always have to be so crabby about everything?!? I say, "Isn't that water a beautiful shade of green?" and you answer, "It's probably full of algae." I was really taken aback until I realized over the next few days that she was 100% correct. I have become one of those people who has something negative to say about everyone and everything! I am mortified and have resolved to change my attitude. Wowsa -- it's hard! Last evening when I looked at my zinnias growing so nicely, the first thing I thought was, "Hmmm...I thought the colors would be brighter."

I saw my therapist today and told her that my eating behavior over my vacation really disappointed me. I didn't binge, and I ate mindfully at many meals. However, I used the time as an excuse to eat ice cream a lot (okay, I know many people do that on vacation) and I ate with the group mentality quite a few times (you know...everyone else is eating chips/cookies/crackers so I'll join in too). I can't even say that it was due to any particular feeling -- I just used being on vacation as an excuse to eat. I told her that I'd been thinking about why I did it, and thought perhaps part of my psyche still believes that any day now my "willpower" will kick in and I will start starving myself for months. That has been the pattern of my life since I was 15, after all. She said, "But you're working on changing that pattern." I agreed, but confessed that part of me HOPED it would kick in because I'm unhappy with my weight. She suggested that maybe I was purposely trying to force my weight up so that I reach a tipping point and trigger my past behavior. Whoa. Ouch. I think she may be right.

I moaned about how I eat dessert whenever it's offered and just feel deprived if I turn it down. She told me I really need to find some more satisfaction in my life -- if not at work (where I am sooo bored at the moment), then at home or in other areas of my life. Deprivation and work combined with deprivation in other areas of life = food as my only reward. I know she's right. I have been doing better at treating myself well, but I'm still not really quite "there" yet. Part of the problem is my perfectionistic tendencies. I think that I can't possibly scrapbook or work on a craft project if my craft room isn't totally neat and organized. That never happens, so I never work on anything. As for work, she says that passion in all things has to be rekindled from time to time. It doesn't remain high by itself. Huh. I never thought about it that way. I guess it's another example of my Grinchy thinking!

She also suggested that I refocus my thinking. Rather than feeling deprived about not having dessert, I need to think about the reason I'm turning it down. I need to have a clear idea of why I don't want to eat the dessert. So, she wants me to make a list of the reasons I want to be healthy. She suggested that I focus on what I want my life to be like when I'm 50, 60, or 70. Do I want to be able to ride my bike? Stay off blood pressure medication? Walk without knee pain? Etc. I am having trouble coming up with much that isn't superficial (I want to fit into a smaller size!). I shall work on it, along with my attitude.

Scenes From a Vacation

The "cottage" in Wisconsin owned by T's cousin and her husband. It is a work in progress, but is lovely. I think it had five bedrooms and bathrooms (or maybe six!), and a HUGE kitchen, complete with restaurant sized fridge and stove/oven. This isn't even their "real" home -- just their vacation home. They were very gracious about having 60+ relatives invade. I don't know how many of us stayed in the house, but there were 2 or 3 RVs outside, as well as several tents.

We shared the cooking. Our branch of the family was responsible for one dinner and one lunch. Here we are making a Tex-Mex feast. It took 2+ hours too cook all of it, and we spent $555 on groceries for the two meals. In this picture are two of my BILs and SILs and T and me (we're on the right). You can't really see any faces in this picture of the entire group, but I thought it looked pretty impressive to see everyone together. Well, almost everyone. Some of us are snapping photos.
R found the ferry ride from Mackinac Island back to Mackinaw City quite exhiliarating. We took the speedy boat and she loved standing up to feel the wind in her hair.

The vacation was quite fun, though far from relaxing. I took a few strenuous bike rides, but still found myself eating for entertainment. I ate mindfully at most of the restaurant meals we had, but at the cottage, I ate more than my share of smores and birthday cake. Since we got back home I've felt far more normal, though I haven't been exercising much except walking the dog. R and I took a few short bike rides, but tomorrow morning I go back to work and hopefully back to my regular routine.

And We're Off!

My 10-year-old has finally learned to ride a bike with no training wheels! I never thought I'd see the day. We rode 6 miles together a couple of weeks ago and the wheels were knocked askew during the ride. After 1 1/2 miles of crying and frustration, she seemed to catch on. The next day T adjusted them so they were totally off the ground and she rode 7 miles without wobbling much. So the next day he took them off all together. She took off right after this picture and we rode 13 miles together without any major mishaps. Yea! The bike is really too small for her, so after our vacation, we'll go out for a larger one.

I've been biking a lot lately. On Friday I rode about 12 miles to breakfast with my friends and back. Riding on the streets is a heck of a lot more difficult than riding on the trail. The hills were killers, and I arrived at breakfast sweaty and red-faced. On Saturday, I rode 22 miles -- to my inlaws' house and back. For the first time since my accident three years ago, I had the leg strength to stand up and peddle on my bike. That gives me hope that I can still build up some muscle even after all this time.

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In a couple of hours, we're leaving for a week of vacation. I should be packing right now. We're headed to Mackinac Island for a couple of days, then driving through the U.P. to Wisconsin. Sixty-two aunts, uncles, and cousins will be meeting for a reunion over the weekend. I'm feeling anxious enough that I have begged my dh to pack my bike in the van. I need an escape route. I like all of these people quite well, but I have a feeling I may start to feel suffocated after a while. "See" you when we get back!

Walking (or Riding) Around the Hole in the Sidewalk

There's my home sweet home on top. The house had white shutters until last fall when we had them painted blue. The color turned out a bit brighter than it looked on the sample, but it has grown on us. The other photo is the wild bunch from R's sleepover. They all seem like very nice girls, though some are definitely more high maintenance than others.

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Yesterday morning we had our family picture taken for the church directory. We were given the option of ordering prints for ourselves, and went ahead and ordered our Christmas cards for next December. I dithered a bit, thinking I looked quite fat. What if I were skinnier next December? In the end I decided that was idiotic thinking and I'd have less stress for the holiday season if I just went ahead and ordered the cards. After the photo session, the girls and I visited the farmer's market. R begged me for cinnamon swirl bread and I gave in and bought a loaf. At home, we ate pieces of it and I immediately started feeling guilty and wanted to binge. Instead I went out for a bike ride. I ended up riding 22 miles, and felt 100% better by the time I got back....with the exception of my backside, which is still protesting.

Climbing Out of the Hole

I saw my therapist today and shared my setback of last week. I spent 4 days last week alternately doing fine and overeating. Finally, on Sunday, I sort of mentally pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said, "HEY! Yes, you are going to be fat your whole life because you are behaving like someone who WANTS to be fat! Maybe you are meant to be this size forever unless you starve yourself. However, you will never know if you don't stop overeating and eating when you're not hungry!" I've been okay since then. I even started bringing a snack to work to eat between meals when I get really hungry, rather than trying to wait until it's "mealtime". It made me very anxious on Monday (I brought two snacks), but yesterday and today it's been fine (I only brought one snack -- baby steps, you know).

I talked to the therapist about weighing myself and whether or not it's a healthy thing to do. I haven't been weighing myself more than once every few months. All of the books on healing binge behavior say to weigh yourself once a week. She pointed out that they are talking about healing only binge eating and emotional eating -- they aren't dealing with people who've had past issues with anorexic behavior or overexercising. Good point. She pointed out that surely I can tell whether or not I've gained or lost weight by the fit of my clothing, without risking the possible trigger of using the scale. I suppose she is right.

She gave me a really neat piece of writing that has apparently been around for a while. I think this woman has been inside my head! I think I'm working on Chapter 3 -- sometimes I even get to 4.

There's a Hole In My Sidewalk : Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson.

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit...but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Thrown for a Loop

On Wednesday morning, R, very enamoured of her new digital camera, snapped a photo of me while I was making her breakfast. It was a photo of the back of me. I looked at it and was immediately thrown into a deep pit of despair. Okay, perhaps I exaggerate a bit, but not much. Wow, did I look awful. My pants looked too tight, my shirt looked too snug, and I looked quite chunky. I went upstairs and changed, and tried to talk positively to myself. I told myself that it was just the clothes -- and even if it wasn't, so what? Being fat isn't the end of all happiness. I'll just buy clothing that fits better and is more flattering and I'll like my rear view better. Yeah, that didn't really work.

I spent the whole day alternately planning to go on a diet; wondering if I could after all do the South Beach diet; thinking about how much weight I could lose by Christmas....and reminding myself that diets make me crazy; I have worth no matter what my weight; and no, I really shouldn't be eating all of this chocolate at work when I'm not at all hungry. I was really shocked at how upset I was. Here I thought my self image was improving, but I was back in the "it's hopeless so I might as well have a brownie" rut. I took R out for lunch after their "Fourth Grade Celebration" (they move to middle school next year), and managed to leave part of my lunch behind because I was full, but arrived at work and ate too many treats. I went out to dinner with a friend and had just a bowl of vegetable soup and a piece of bread because I wasn't very hungry, but went home at 8:15pm and ate a piece of pizza and a piece of cake! Just before bed I filled out my eating diary and resolved to get over my backside freak-out. So far, so good, though my mind still occasionally wanders into diet territory.

At group on Monday, my therapist gave us a great list of affirmations to post on the fridge. I won't post it on the fridge because of my girls, but I want to share it:

1. My worth as a person is not diminished in any way by my body size or my eating patterns.
2. I will love myself no matter what my eating patterns are.
3. I will judge my days not by what or how much I eat, but by the accomplishments I have made and the love I have given.
4. My life is a gift, and I will not let my enjoyment of it be diminished by feeling guilty over my body size or how much I eat.
5. I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.
6. My eating disorder is a temporary condition in my life.
7. There is a normal eater within me. I will let her take over my life more and more each day as I am ready.
8. I can imagine a life without having an eating disorder.
9. When I feel stressed, I will close my eyes and picture how my all-powerful, normal eater would handle the situation.
10. I believe I will be a normal eater again. I know I will be a normal eater again!

Different Outcomes Require Different Behavior!

I got my new gel shorts in the mail and put on a pair to go for a 19-mile bike ride on Sunday evening. They didn't quite have the cushy fabulousness I was hoping for, but I think my nether regions are less sore than they would have been in regular shorts. The bugs were unbelievably horrendous. Much of the trail is in leafy shade, and I had at least 500 bug corpses plastered to my t-shirt by the time I got home, along with 1 in my eye, several on my cheek, and even one inside my bra. Ewww. I can't imagine how many would have been stuck in my hair had I not been wearing a helmet. Which reminds me -- why on earth do parents make their children wear helmets when they do not? It's okay if mom or dad dies due to a fractured skull and leaves little Johnny parentless? I don't get it.

I had support group last night and attendance was huge. 18 anorexic teenagers, one middle aged overweight woman, and me. There are some young women there who never say a single word. I have no idea why they come. Maybe just listening to others helps -- or maybe mom forces them to come. During the meeting, one girl said that she's struggling with doing the same thing every day -- starving herself all day and then giving in and bingeing and purging in the evening. She said, "I KNOW what happens every single time I starve all day -- I KNOW it -- yet I tell myself that this day will be different."

I thought about how I do similar things -- I do things knowing KNOWING what will happen -- yet I still do them. Yesterday was a CRAZY day at work. I didn't get a chance to even get a drink of water until 1pm. We had pizza and lots of treats around, but lunch was fine for me. I ate one piece of pizza, my salad, and a piece of cake and I was really full. The afternoon was so busy and I was still so full from lunch that I didn't even think about food. Yet, when I left work, I took three of the cookies a coworker had brought in and told myself they were "for my kids". Yeah, right. I ate them in the car before I was even halfway home. What was that about? A reward for a busy day? A release of all of the tension -- relief that I was done? Anxiety about my support group meeting? What? Who knows? I think the most important thing for me to admit is that I took those cookies for ME. I didn't take them for my kids or my dh or anyone but me. I KNEW I was going to eat them on the way home, but didn't want to admit it to myself. The only saving grace in it for me is that I ate a REALLY small dinner and didn't eat anything else the rest of the night because I wasn't hungry.

After group I went to TCBY to get a frozen yogurt pie for R's 4th grade graduation celebration dinner (which will be tonight), and I wanted to get a frozen yogurt cone just because I was there and I love frozen yogurt. I didn't get one though. I want to get better -- ALL better. That's not going to happen unless I consistently make good choices. If I'd been hungry, okay. However, eating frozen yogurt last night would have been all about "hey, it's there -- and besides, I already ate three cookies and a piece of cake today. Might as well..." No. No. No. No. NO. I will not be that person anymore.

My Brain...it's A-Changin'

Here's my wonderful dh T running in a 5K. He's now talking about doing a triathlon, which made me mentally scratch my head. He hasn't been on a bike for at least 8 years and I've never seen him do anything in a pool but play around. I will be supportive if he wants to do it though.

I've been MIA because my life is still rather CRAZY these days. With t-ball twice a week, golf once a week, etc., I've been gone almost every evening for several weeks now. Thank heavens t-ball and school both end next week. We don't sign the girls up for evening or Saturday activities in the summer. I want my kids to have the kind of relaxed summers I had (sans wacky mother who thinks kids are the perfect manual laborers for her gigantic garden and grand landscaping projects).

Anyway, life is pretty good. I haven't had anything I could call a true binge in weeks and weeks and weeks. I've had some days when I've made a bad choice or two, but nothing worse than eating a few handfuls of chips when I'm not really hungry. I saw my therapist two weeks ago and I told her I was really struggling with wanting to lose weight versus trying to have a normal relationship with food. I think my self image has improved over the past several months, as I've stopped bingeing and worked on my destructive and irrational thoughts. However, I'm still not thrilled with my size. I confessed to her that I've realized through using the eating diary that I'm terrible at feeding myself at the first sign of hunger rather than waiting until I'm ravenous. I'm afraid of eating too much if I really allow myself to eat every time I'm hungry. We decided that I really need to trust my hunger and that I may end up eating less because I sometimes realize too late that I'm a bit too full because I was so hungry when I started eating. True confessions here...I still haven't been very good about it since then. There are a few days when I've had a snack at work when I'm really hungry between meals, but it makes me feel really anxious -- and I'm still super hungry at mealtime. So I think to myself, "WHAT in the heck is the point?!?" It doesn't matter what the snack is either -- high protein, high carb, mixture of both, fruit, veg...whatever. I've tried different things, but somehow I am still just as hungry when the next meal rolls around.

We discussed feelings and I told her I still have great difficulty pinpointing the feeling that underlies my anxiety or restlessness. I need to look at my feeling list more often when I'm having trouble. She gave me a really interesting sheet that shows how feelings change into destructive behaviors if you don't allow yourself to feel and/or express them. Anger, for example, changes into controlling behavior (among other things).

She led me through a visualization, which was really neat. I'd never really tried to do it before, but as she talked I really felt as though I was swinging softly in a hammock on the beach under a palm tree, feeling a soft breeze as I read a book. Ironic since I would never relax enough to do that, but she said that I could practice doing visualization to give me a little respite when I'm having a stressful day and can't actually escape. Of course, I haven't yet done it because I forget all about it when I really need it!

I've been trying to work on changing my irrational thoughts by asking myself what evidence I have for thinking _____________ (insert any irrational thought here!). It really calms me down when I take the trouble to challenge my squirrel brain. I have had many mornings lately when I suddenly think, "Hey! I'm not thinking about food!" If I start to have any weird repetitive food/weight loss thoughts, I immediately start reciting a nursery rhyme and my thoughts go away. It seems dopey, but it works.

The Two of Me and The Daily Eating Diary

Here is me with straight hair and me with curly hair. No one likes the straight-haired me except my 10-year-old. After seeing myself with curly hair for 43 3/4 years, I felt odd walking around with straight hair for a few hours, but I liked it okay. I'm not sure I'd ever do it on a regular basis, but it was kind of neat to see.

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I went to the cemetaries with my dad and the girls yesterday. We scrubbed gravestones and planted flowers. It was kind of nice, though I wonder how long I'll keep it up after my dad dies. The two cemetaries we visit are 90 minutes away, so an entire day is usually eaten up when we go. I suppose guilt will drive me to continue going as long as I'm able.

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I got up today and rode 16 miles on my bike. It was lovely outside, but I had lost all enthusiasm by mile 12. The wind was against me and my bottom was hurting something fierce! Since I was still four miles from home I was forced to push on. I'm definitely buying gel shorts.

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Here is the Daily Eating Diary my therapist handed out at our last support group meeting. It has been quite helpful to me, especially questions 11 and 12. I do it just before bed and I'm forced to think about whether or not I've done anything for myself over the course of the day, as well as to look ahead to the next day and pre-plan. I've also discovered that I'm really, really terrible about encouraging myself to eat from physical hunger and eating at the first signal of hunger rather than letting myself get overly hungry.

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The Daily Eating Diary

1. Did I encourage myself to eat from physical hunger?

2. Did I eat at the first signal of hunger, rather than letting myself get overly hungry?

3. Did I find myself eating or restricting for emotional reasons today?

___boredom

___depression

___anxiety

___fatigue

___frustration

___sexual feelings

___transition between activities

___other

4. Did I practice focused and mindful eating?

5. Did I stop when I was full?

6. Did I plan what I wanted to eat?

7. Did I eat food that was not pleasing to me?

8. Which times of the day and evening were the most troublesome for me with food?

9. What alternatives did I take during these times?

10. What alternatives could I have taken?

11. What are the ways I took good care of myself today?

12. What emotional needs do I anticipate for tomorrow and how can I prepare to take care of them?

Girls On the Run

Here is my 10-year-old in her 5K with the Girls On the Run. GOTR is a great program for preteen girls that helps build self esteem, as well as attempting to instill a love of exercise. Over the course of ten weeks, they do a lot of team building and self esteem exercises, and train to run a 5K. R did it last year and I was amazed when she actually ran the entire 5K. This year she did as well -- in about 32 minutes. Not bad.

I admit that I got very choked up when I looked at the sea of 852 girls taking off from the starting line. I wish there had been a program like this one when I was 10 years old. We stayed until the very last girl finished, and it was awesome to see the pride on their faces when they crossed the finish line. And so much for stereotypes -- several very fat little girls finished quite a bit ahead of the rest of the group. Go girl power!

Sing, Sing a Song...

I saw my therapist last week. She said that what I did on my mom's birthday couldn't really be labled a binge -- more like a bad choice. I made a few more bad choices on mother's day. I wanted so badly to be happy. The girls and T were very excited about giving me new deck furniture and chocolate and wanted to take me out to breakfast. I just didn't feel like it. I still felt sad about my mom's birthday and mother's day just made the sadness worse. On Sunday, I didn't really realize that's what the problem was. I just knew that I felt crummy and restless and just wanted to eat all day. The commenter on my previous post was exactly right -- sometimes it is just easier not to fight and just to give in to the old ways of doing things; to give in to the comfort. It wasn't until I was in support group on Monday that I felt the actual sadness. Barb asked how everyone had coped with mother's day and I got choked up when I tried to talk about it.

I still feel quite self conscious at support group. There can't be more than 3 of us over the age of 25 and there are only a couple who aren't recovering from anorexia. I will soldier on though -- maybe I'm providing comfort to the other non-skinny women. Barb gave some handouts to the group and I think one will be quite useful for me. It's a sort of worksheet for emotional eaters. It's not the usual food diary, but rather a sheet of questions to ask yourself each evening. There are things on it like "did I eat mindfully today, without distractions?", "did I make myself eat food I don't enjoy?", "did I eat from boredom, anger....(etc)?", "will there be a time tomorrow when I may struggle not to eat and what will I do about it?" I will post the entire thing when I have it in hand (not at home right now).

At therapy last week I whinged about my obsessive thoughts and Barb suggested that when they start popping up, I should recite a nursery rhyme, sing a song, or tell myself a story (even if it's nonsensical) -- preferably out loud. That will force me to use the opposite side of my brain and take my mind off my other thoughts. I tried it a few times and it actually works pretty well.

She also urged me to stop personalizing everything. I tend to take responsibility for everyone else's feelings and for the way they act toward me. I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings. Wow. After a few days of ruminating on that, I remembered trying to make my mom happy when she was angry with us (my sibs and me). We hardly ever knew exactly why she was mad -- she would just suddenly stop talking to us. It was very stressful and I'd walk on eggshells and scramble around cleaning things and trying to do things to make her happy again. Usually the storm cloud would suddenly pass one day and she'd start talking to us again like nothing had ever happened. I remember even asking dad why she was upset and he never had any clue either. I felt such a responsibility to make her happy -- and I tend to do the same thing currently with anyone who is upset with me.

I had shared with Barb a day when I struggled with my eating after having breakfast with three friends (all former coworkers). We eat breakfast together every month or so and I really enjoy their company. One of them, B, was advised three years ago by her doctor that if she lost 15 pounds or so she'd probably be able to quit taking her blood pressure meds. She joined WW and was a model dieter. She never ate one single point over her allotted amount, lost 40 lbs in just a few months, and has maintained that loss ever since. At this month's breakfast, she ate plain oatmeal and I commented that she hadn't had her usual peanut butter with it. She said that she had switched programs with WW and wasn't counting points anymore, and she wasn't sure if peanut butter was an okay food. I was surprised that she still counted points and said so. She told us that she had been put on a new medication for her fibromyalgia and suddenly started gaining weight. She cut her points and was still gaining weight at 20 points a day. (20! I'd be ravenous all day long!) So she switched plans and stopped taking her medication. She said, "I just think I'd rather hurt than gain the weight back." I was rather speechless. I wasn't sure if I should admire her tenacity or feel sorry for her.

At the same breakfast she asked me if she should still bring me castoff clothing from her daughter (which she has done for several years). I, of course, took her question to mean that hey, I was kind of fat now and could never fit in to any of her daughter's clothes now so why should she still bring them to me? Barb pointed out that she may have simply been asking because it had been a while since she'd brought me any and that I should not assume she was implying anything. I'm still not convinced, but I think B's dedication to her weight maintenance along with the clothing comment made me feel deeply ashamed. All day I had that "I might as well give up and eat like a pig because I'm never going to lose any weight and I'm going to hate how I look for the rest of my life" thoughts. So, I need to work on NOT PERSONALIZING. The whole world does not revolve around me, right?

Fear of Recovery

Ah, the confindence of the young! If only they would always think they look as beautiful as they do in this picture.

I've been doing really well, for the most part. T and I went out on Friday night -- 12 cops and me. Even the cops' wives were cops. I was okay though -- just sipped my iced tea and water, and listened to war stories. We'd eaten pizza with one of the couples before going, and I was careful to stop when I'd had enough -- 2 pieces from a medium pizza kept me full til we got home around 11:30pm. I ate a third piece before bed, but I was truly quite hungry.

Yesterday we had to give a post talk for Retrouvaille. We did it the first time six months ago and it was pretty stressful. We spend two hours talking about the time when our marriage was in trouble and how we healed, so it brings up lots of emotions -- good and bad. I knew there would be a table full of snacks there, and did some pre-day preparation. I told myself that yes, I'd feel some desire to chow down, both because of the anxiety of doing the session and due to the desire to decompress afterward. However, I planned to eat lunch and not be hungry. Therefore, I wouldn't eat anything. I eyed the snack table a couple of times, especially after we were done, but I didn't eat anything. I wasn't hungry and didn't want to feel bad. I still felt quite "bingey" after dinner last night. My mind kept telling me that I wanted ice cream! cake! cookies! I couldn't get my mind off eating dessert, but ate 3 graham crackers dipped in milk and a couple of Hershey kisses and stopped. I started on a lollipop, but realized that I didn't really want it and was only eating it to keep my mouth busy. I threw the rest away.

Because I think I've lost some weight (I haven't weighed myself but my size 10 Levis that haven't fit for several months were fine yesterday), my thoughts have been becoming a bit obsessive lately. Especially when I walk the dog or when I'm bored at work, my thoughts begin spiraling out of control -- all about how much weight I could lose by what date or what I've eaten or what I shouldn't have eaten or how I could have the lowest calorie dinner possible or..... on and on. If I'm with the dog (and hence, alone outside at 5am), I tell myself out loud, "Think about something else!" It is easier said than done. The problem is that nothing else holds my thoughts for very long. I tried to plan a flower bed I've been wanting in my front yard, and I've tried just staying present; staying in the moment. I admired the way the moss looks on a fallen tree, noticed how the gorgeous purple hyacinth contrasted with the yellow daffodils, took in the sounds of the birds and frogs, checked out the tangle of varying shades of green in the woods, but it was hopeless. My thoughts kept circling around to weight loss.

I think this is part and parcel of why I've always been a bit afraid to recover. What on earth will I think about? If I no longer have to dwell on weight, size, calories, food, and the like, what will I do? When I try to imagine it, my mind goes blank. I used to love reading, but most of the time I feel too restless to sit and read for hours the way I used to. I can only read at night before bed these days. I used to love scrapbooking but now, though I enjoy it, I don't have any passion for it. It has been a few years since I touched my supplies except to pack them for a crop. I kind of like golf, but I can't see myself as a daily player or anything. What do people without eating issues do with their time?

I had a sorta binge today. I don't know if it was a binge or not. Maybe it was, though it didn't have the urgency or "out-of-control eating everything in the kitchen" quality about it. I had my Sunday all planned out. We'd go to church. Then I'd go to the driving range to practice, buy my groceries, come home and eat lunch, then take the girls to the zoo while T had a meeting. After dinner I'd take a bike ride. My plans had to change though, when I found out that a friend's father had died and visitation was this afternoon. The zoo went out the window, and the visitation brought up all kinds of sad feelings about my mom. Today would have been her 72nd birthday.

I got home from the visitation, T was still gone, and I decided to finish the dessert R had requested for dinner. Then I realized that I didn't have the cream cheese I needed to top the brownie dessert. I tried not to be annoyed and just made some frosting to finish them. Suddenly frosting on a graham cracker sounded so delicious that I couldn't stand it and had to have one. Then I had about four more. Then I ate two brownies. Then I stopped. I felt kind of sick and thought, "I am NOT going to do this. I am done." I didn't really feel any temptation to keep going. I was hungry for dinner and though I didn't eat much, it was only because I got full quickly and wasn't hungry anymore. I did have one more brownie. I rode my bike ten miles and I confess that part of me was happy I was burning off some brownie calories. I didn't punish myself with a 20-mile bike ride though, and stuck to my original plan of 10 miles. I felt really good when I got back. So I ate some crap. So what. I stopped, started life anew, and I'm fine.

Escaping the Stress

After dinner the other night, I told T that I was going for a short bike ride. The girls immediately announced, "I want to go with you!" but T told them that I was going alone. I pedaled off and it was wonderful. I felt as though I was escaping! I love my family more than anything in the world, but my therapist is right. I need more time to myself -- more time spent on doing things that are just for me. I felt exhilarated as I rode along, all by myself. I only rode 7 miles, but I came back feeling really calm, happy, and ready to face the bedtime routine. This is something I need more of...right after t-ball, golf, and Girls on the Run all ends....

Last night I knew I didn't have time for any bike riding. After dinner I had 20 minutes before I had to leave for support group. I asked T if he would sit and relax on the couch with me. He eyed me suspiciously and said, "Are you serious?" I assured him that I was, and he said, "Really? You're not going to jump up and clean something or remember ten things you have to do before you leave or make a list or anything?" I reiterated that I was just going to sit. So, we sat. And snuggled. And were promptly joined by our daughters who babbled at us nonstop for 20 minutes. But it was nice.

Then I went to my therapist's eating disorders support group. I realized that I feel somewhat ashamed that my ED is not the more glamorous anorexia. It is the embarrassing BED. Somehow being waifish and hungry seems more sympathy-inducing than being someone who stuffs her face. Maybe that's my own insecurity talking. Anyway, I felt really self conscious at first, but after a while I was offering my opinions on everything. The teens were probably wishing I'd shut up. There was an older woman there whose legs, I swear, were smaller around than my five-year-old's. Yet she was going on and on about needing to lose weight, and how she couldn't stop eating. I felt really sorry for her because she is obviously firmly entrenched in anorexia, and has no idea what her body really looks like. Most of the girls in the group are either in recovery or are working on it. None of them are obviously too thin.

We talked about changing self-talk and how to stop the cycle of emotional eating, shame, more eating, more shame, more eating, etc. I had to go to the grocery store afterward and I had that familiar feeling of wanting to eat to decompress after a stressful situation. I cruised by the in-store bakery, breathing in the delicious scent of the bread and doughnuts and cake. I didn't linger, however, and simply got my groceries and left. At home, I tried to decide if I was really hungry (dinner had been small and early), or just wanted to eat. I finally decided that if I had to question it, I wasn't really hungry. I was still quite tempted to eat, and actually opened the fridge and the cupboard. R saved me by appearing at that moment. I asked her if T was still awake and she said he was. So I marched upstairs and, instead of eating, made love to my husband. That is far more satisfying than graham crackers any day.

Learning to Live with the Cookies

First -- a brag on myself....The BIG boss came to my storytime this morning before she went out to lunch with my bosses. She told them that I was really good at doing storytime! Patting myself on the back now...

I saw my therapist yesterday and she totally put her finger on one of my biggest problems. I suppose I already knew it, but didn't want to admit it. She said that I am not taking enough downtime for myself; I'm not doing enough that's just for me. She advised me to take just 20 minutes a day after dinner and go out on my bike, go out for a walk, or hibernate in my bedroom with a book. Then, at least once a week on my day off, carve out a good 2-hour plus block of time to do something for myself -- and refuse to feel guilty about it. When I shared this with T, he said, "Did you tell her your husband has been telling you that for years?"

We discussed my wasted weekends, and she thinks that because I'm not taking any time for myself, it's my way of trying to do it subconsciously. Because T views his days off as days to relax and do nothing, but I view them as days on which chores should be done, I feel resentment that he is able to lie around on the couch all day, doing nothing. My restlessness is caused by being torn between thinking of the things I "should" do versus the things that I "want" to do. She told me not to let T's issues become my issues. His laziness, crabbiness or illness has nothing to do with me and I shouldn't assume it does or try to fix it. When he was lying around feeling ill, I could have just herded the kids into the car and gone to do something fun without him.

I said that I thought I needed more structure on my days off -- a to-do list, at the very least. She agreed, but advised that I put no more than 3-5 things on the list. I can do that. We also discussed the irrational thoughts I often have regarding food and relationships. Rather than simply recognizing them as irrational, I also need to ask myself what evidence I have for them, and reframe them as positive thoughts. When I feel really "bingey", but don't know why, I can take a look at the feelings list she gave me and try to pinpoint a feeling or two.

Last night I was driving home from work, hungry, and kept thinking I wanted an ice cream cone from McDonald's. I'm not sure why that popped into my head because I rarely go to McD's, but I love that soft, sweet kind of ice cream and find it very soothing and comforting. I was seeking decompression after doing a program at work that I'd been really nervous about. I told myself that I was hungry for food, not ice cream. I got home, ate a veggie dog on a piece of Ezekiel bread, and I really wasn't hungry anymore. I wasn't satisfied yet though, and I ate a handful of Cheetos, 1 1/2 cookies, and a cup or so of ice cream. Then I felt guilty and my hand hovered briefly over the cookie jar, knowing that I could binge and feel so nice and full of chocolate chip cookies.

My hand hovered, hovered, hovered. I thought about the talk I'd had with the therapist about my "brownie day" last Sunday. I told her that I knew that, at several points during the day, I could have thrown the brownies away to change the pattern, but I didn't want to. I know it's not about the food, and I don't want the solution to always be to throw everything away. That CAN'T always be the solution because I can't possibly throw away all of the brownies in the world. I want to learn to live with the brownies. She agreed, but said that, for now, sometimes the answer might be to throw them away. As the food and feelings become less connected, the brownies will sit there and it won't occur to me to eat one because I'm agitated. I didn't throw the cookies away, but I took my hand away from the cookie jar and went off to bed, telling myself, "You are learning to live with the cookies."

Back in the Saddle Again

I rode my bike last night for the first time in about 18 months. I only went five miles, but dang are my sit bones sore! It felt really good though. I only had a couple of flashbacks to my accident, and my leg is strong enough now that I can almost stand up and pedal. Maybe by the end of the summer, it will be.

I'm sorry to say that I frittered away my weekend, not doing much that was constructive. We cleaned on Saturday morning (always sure to be crankiness inducing), and went to my coworker's wedding in the afternoon and evening. T wasn't feeling good, and only got sicker as the weekend went on, ensuring that going to the wedding wasn't exactly a romantic or nostalgic date. We danced only one dance together, but did share some good laughs with my coworkers. I hardly ate anything at the wedding dinner, but ate my entire piece of cake. That would have been fine except that it was dry and the frosting tasted weird. I think I only ate the whole thing because I'd "saved room" for it by eating a really small dinner. If only I could remember that there will always be cake -- and better tasting cake -- in my life.

Yesterday we went to a concert with our kids -- The Composer is Dead by Lemony Snicket. The idea was cute, but the execution of it didn't really work. The best thing that can be said for it is that it was only an hour long. T dragged himself to it with us, but promptly went back to bed when we got home. I find his frequent illnesses annoying. I can't believe I'm typing that. It's not his fault and I feel like a bad person for being annoyed, but there it is. He has a horrible immune system and gets sick every other month. Perhaps I'd have more sympathy if I got sick more often than once every 3-4 years, but I probably annoy him with my persistent good health. I was crabby all weekend because nothing turned out like I had planned and looked forward to. I didn't let it affect my eating -- much. I did indulge in at least three servings of Cheetos at lunch on Saturday, and three chocolate chip cookies while baking yesterday, but I skipped dessert at last night's dinner and went out on my bike instead.

This week is another hellish week of busyness -- Retrouvaille board meeting tonight at our house (the reason for the Saturday cleaning), golf tomorrow night, work Wednesday night, t-ball practice for C on Thursday night (and T works late), birthday party for my FIL on Friday night, work all day on Saturday for me (and C's half birthday) .... maybe Sunday will be restful. :-)

Stopping Before I've Started

Wow, I'm so, so, so glad it's Friday. It has been an incredibly stressful week and I'm exhausted. Trying to wake up this morning felt like swimming through mud. Last night I left work and took C to t-ball practice. I had brought a snack for each of us, and we bolted it down in the 10 minutes we had before practice. T showed up with the dog, looking cranky and not kissing me hello. He seemed pretty distant and told me he'd stay with C if I wanted to take R home.

On the way home, my mind was racing with doubts I haven't had for a while. Was T upset or angry with me? Was he starting to feel emotionally detached from me again? Were we headed for divorce? (no one ever accused me of underplaying things). At home, I ate a smallish dinner, did the dishes, and fretted. T and C arrived home, still no kiss, and my worries escalated as he barely said three words to me. I sat there eating a small piece of chocolate, watching C eat ice cream, while plotting and scheming my binge to come. As soon as T left to walk the dog, I would start with Cheetos. I'd continue with Pop Tarts. Somehow I'd get some ice cream in there....
I stopped. I asked myself exactly what I had to gain by bingeing -- or eating anything, since I wasn't hungry? What would I gain besides misery and self-hatred with a side of guilt? Even if T came back from walking the dog to announce, "I'm in love with someone else, she's pregnant with my baby, and I'm leaving right now!", would having a full stomach help my emotional agony? No. Not so much. Or at all. Probably quite the opposite.

I left C to finish on her own, went upstairs, went through my nighttime routine, and got into bed. T came home, we talked for a bit (no dramatic announcements), and I fell asleep after some further fretting. This morning T called to warn me that he'd knocked over the beer bottles on his way to work, told me he loved me, and sounded totally normal. Go figure. All the same, I'm glad we have a date tomorrow. I feel as though I haven't really talked to him for weeks.

Michelle Wie Still Has Nothing to Fear From Me

I had my first golf lesson last night. The ONE time the instructor had us swing at an actual ball, I missed. Supposedly an hour-long lesson, it lasted 2 hours and 15 minutes and the instructor must have been a Marine Sergeant in a former life. When I finally got into the van to head home, I discovered my cell phone was dead. I arrived home 90 minutes late to a fuming dh, who was thoroughly convinced I was wrapped around a telephone pole. He also informed me that the dog had escaped and was running around in the woods. ARGH! I spent an hour looking for her with no luck. Just as I was finally heading to bed, utterly exhausted, she appeared at the door completely covered with black mud. So R and I were bathing the dog in the tub at 10:30pm, as she sat meekly and looked at us with soulful brown eyes. At least she didn't bug me for a walk until 6:30 this morning -- though that meant I missed my morning cardio.

I saw my regular doctor today. She was quite pleased with my blood pressure (100/70), my weight loss over the past couple of months, and my health in general. She was rather displeased with my cholesterol level. My good cholesterol is good and my triglycerides are normal for once (probably due to the major reduction of crappy sugary carb intake since I've been seeing the therapist), but my "bad" cholesterol is pretty bad -- I think it was 199. She has given me three months to see if it goes down, but is pretty convinced that it is hereditary and won't budge. It looks like medication for me. Boo. Hoo.

I've had three terrific days. Even with all of my evening madness last night, I felt no urge to reach for food to comfort or distract me. Monday evening I went grocery shopping and was briefly tempted by the ice cream I brought home -- especially when I saw the girls eating it. After considering my state of hunger (or lack of) and emotional state (tired), I realized that I didn't really want it that much. It can wait. Ice cream will always be around, and I'd rather have it when I can sit and enjoy it. This morning we had doughnuts at our meeting (from my favorite doughnut place, Susie's Donuts!) but they just looked greasy. I'd just eaten breakfast and wasn't the slightest bit hungry anyway.

Can I Have a Do-Over?

I had a crummy weekend. Friday night, we had three couples over for pizza before going to a hockey game, and for drinks after the game. Two of the women engaged it that stupid "I'm not really that hungry" game -- you know, the one where they take one piece of pizza, leave the crust behind, and turn down the chips & cheese, fruit & dip, and brownies. I felt like a miserable pig for eating two pieces of pizza. I suppose that's my issue and I really, really shouldn't allow what anyone else eats or doesn't eat affect me, right? I really didn't even want most of my second piece of pizza, but ate it anyway because I was nervous. At least I turned down the popcorn most of them were eating at the game. After we got back, someone produced a birthday cake for one of the guys, and I ate a piece. It wasn't even very good. I only ate a bit at first, but proceeded to pick at it until it was gone -- and had a dozen or so chips and cheese to top it off.

On Saturday, I went scrapbooking all day. I had gone back and forth about whether or not I should bring my own food -- or at least a salad. On the one hand, she usually serves food that isn't exactly healthy. On the other hand, I don't want to engage in behavior that is too "diety" and disordered. I ended up taking nothing and regretted it. She served greasy meatballs, potato salad, chips, overly sweet hot fruit compote, and brownies. I didn't like any of it, and ate only enough to stave off hunger. Then all afternoon I felt very dissatisfied and restless. I really wanted to get outside and take a nice, relaxing walk but it poured rain nonstop all day. I ended up salving my restlessness with two brownies. After the crop I went home, and feeling very unhappy, proceeded to eat a couple of handfuls of chocolate Chex mix (which is really yucky tasting, let me tell you!) with the girls. I ALMOST started a binge. I ate a Girl Scout cookie after my Chex mix, and felt myself teetering on the edge. I talked myself down and went upstairs to bed instead.

Yesterday, T got called in to work 10 hours of overtime, which is great for the budget but bad for me. R was gone at a friend's house and C had a friend visiting. I felt trapped and had that horrible jittery feeling that preceeds a binge. It was almost as though too many possibilities of how to spend the day were spread out before me, while at the same time I felt trapped by all of the chores waiting for me. I have already decided that the next time I have a day like this I will immediately make a to-do list that includes work AND relaxation. I ended up pacing the house like a caged lion for most of the day (in between loads of laundry and bill paying), and about five brownies made their way into my stomach by early afternoon. I didn't end up doing anything satisfying for me OR any of the cleaning and organizing I had wanted to do. I got on the elliptical for 30 minutes, I walked the dog a couple of times (short walks since I had two five-year-olds there), but I just couldn't calm myself. After dinner I had to pick R up (T was held over at work and missed dinner, which didn't help) and we went out for ice cream. I only had a kiddie scoop, but I wasn't at all hungry AND it doesn't really help my girls' future eating habits to take them for food only because I want it.

Today is a new day and the start of a new week. I have regrets about the weekend, but I sat down yesterday and wrote out a "chain of events" for my therapist, along with ways I could have done things differently. I have to look at the good: I didn't have an all-out binge. There was no time when I felt sick because I'd eaten too much. I didn't proceed to eat every sugary carb in the house. Heck, there were still a dozen brownies left by evening. I may have taken a step back, but I'm ready to move forward again.

I'm Game

Not only did my dh get out with the leaf blower, but he and the girls picked up all of the sticks in the backyard AND my dearest T, who despises yard work, suggested that on each nice weekend we should choose an area and work on it for an hour or two (!) That really makes me feel much less put-upon.

I met with my therapist yesterday, and she's very pleased with my progress. She said it seemed that my ability to be reflective is improving, and she was quite happy to hear that I haven't binged in a few weeks. I told her that I'd had some mild urges that I didn't quite understand. Once last week when T took the dog for a walk, I really wanted to start eating. Yet I wasn't upset, I wasn't unhappy, I wasn't angry with T, and I wasn't having any sort of strong feeling I could identify. She suggested that perhaps many small irritations build up over the course of the week, and just then is when I felt the urge because I had the opportunity. Wow -- light bulb moment. There had been several times over the week when I'd been annoyed because the dishes weren't done or something small happened -- too small to whinge about, but irritating to me. She advised me to journal each night about the things bothering me, both small and large. If I write them down, it's easier to let them go. That makes a lot of sense.

She gave me quite a bit of "homework" to do -- making a list of my triggers and how I can thwart them, making a behavior chain (for example -- I get up late, don't pack a good lunch, feel starving all afternoon, stop at a fast food place, eat too much, feel guilt, binge...whatever might happen), and a sheet on problem solving -- i.e. my problem is that I want to eat dessert every night after dinner. I have to write down what's in it for me, the down side, my options, other options, the option I'll try this week, how many days I was successful, and whether or not I want to try another option. She also gave me handouts on working with feelings and negative self-talk.

We discussed my "not good enough" poem, and though it was obvious that many events in my life served to reinforce the idea that weight and looks were really important, I told her that I realized that my feelings weren't all related to my weight. All my life I'd thought, "If I just lost ___ pounds, I'd be happy." Yet, many of the things I wrote about were unrelated to weight and looks. I would have felt bad whether I'd weighed 300 pounds or 110 pounds. She asked what that said to me. I told her, "Well, it's obvious that I have really bad self esteem and somehow need to raise it." She replied, "Are you ready to do that work?" AHHHH! I answered, "I guess so." I can't imagine how it will ever happen, but I'm game.

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning, Oh What a Beautiful Day!....

If only I could sing. Today is our third gorgeous day in a row -- the sunshine and warmth make me so HAPPY! I worked in our yard for a couple of hours yesterday and it looks 100 times better already. I have T the big hint that he should get out there with the leaf blower today, so we'll see if he takes it. My back and shoulders are rather sore today.

Saturday at our CORE meeting, we had (natch) a potluck. I was really hungry, and though I didn't really eat a LOT of food, I ate past "enough". I tried not to beat myelf up about it and didn't give in to the urge to eat more after we got home. Yesterday we cooked out on our grill for the first time this year. T and the girls had steak, but I made lean hamburgers for dad and me (dad has dentures and can't really chew steak -- I just don't like it all that much). I ate the burger and some broccoli and was full. I was annoyed because I'd made banana bread and peanut butter and jelly bars and really wanted some, so I ate a piece of each of those too. Then I felt really overful and was mad at myself. I didn't use it as an excuse to eat more though. Instead, I had a nice long, relaxing walk with my SIL after dinner, which was the first time in ages we'd been able to have a good talk. Wow -- I had almost 16000 steps on my pedometer yesterday.

Goosebumps

Our Retrouvaille community just finished a weekend and a participant (who had begged to get in at the last minute) sent T this note:

T,
I just wanted to sincerely thank you for your efforts in making room for K and I this weekend. You will never know the difference you have allowed us to make in our marriage. The drive to the retreat was 3 hours that felt like 6. I don't think we said more than 10 words. The ride home felt like it only took about 20 minutes (just as you said, T). I just can't thank you enough for giving us the chance to revive our marriage. To us, this weekend meant everything. We are truly thankful for all we have and we hope to never take for granted what God has blessed us with. We floated all the way home. I assure you that you and all the people involved in our Retrouvaille weekend will be remembered in our daily prayers. We look forward to our post sessions. May God continue to bless you and your family every day, T & K

Isn't that awesome? I get goosebumps every time I read it. That's what Retrouvaille is all about and results like this make all the work totally worth it.

A Test -- and I Passed

We had a shower at work today for a coworker who is getting married this month. Sometimes I swear my life revolves around food events. Anyway, I knew that the menu was chicken salad and croissants -- neither of which I am wild about and both of which are really high in calories and fat. I was sort of fretting about it, wondering if I should bring my own lunch. I waffled -- was that too weird? Too "diety"? I finally packed my salad and Lean Cuisine Panini and took it to work, still undecided. At lunchtime I compromised and ate my salad, but had about 1/3 of a croissant and a small bit of chicken salad too. I had a small piece of cake and a couple of bites of the fruit salad and bread and that was it. I wanted more, but only because I wanted more -- not because I was still hungry. So I didn't have more. I just sat with the wanting and felt it, and didn't do anything about it. I felt so peaceful all afternoon.

After dinner, I had some of the dessert my daughter made yesterday and then felt guilty because I'd already eaten cake today. I had lots of "mmmm...Easter candy in the cupboard..." thoughts, but sternly told myself that I was making the choice to be a normal eater. Normal eaters can have candy anytime they want -- it isn't anything special. I took the dog for a walk instead of opening the cupboard. By the time I ambled back, I was calm and felt okay.

I wrote my assignment for the therapist today -- a poem on the theme "not good enough". It just kind of flowed out of my pen, though tis true that I've been pondering it for a week. It brought up some things I'd almost forgotten about or hadn't thought about in years. I don't think I'll post it here. Maybe after I show it to her.

What a Great Weekend!

On Friday night, T and I registered couples for the Retrouvaille weekend. There was a gigantic buffet dinner set out for the people working that evening. I was absolutely ravenous, but took my time, choosing a turkey sandwich, one dessert, and some raw veggies. I ate it and it was enough. Later I had a couple of crackers with cheese, but that was it. I mulled it over and didn't feel terribly deprived -- and I didn't go hungry.

On Saturday I went to a scrapbooking crop all afternoon and evening. They had a gigantic bowl of candy sitting two feet from me, and a table groaning with desserts and snacks. I had one mini Snickers bar, two brownies, and half a cookie. However, when dinner came, I wasn't thrilled with the sandwich and only ate half of it, along with salad and a breadstick. I didn't feel overfull and didn't eat anything else after dinner. I was tempted -- I had a very brief thought of "Oh man, I ate two brownies...maybe I should just finish that last one on the platter..." but realized I really had eaten enough and it would just be emotional eating if I did.

Yesterday afternoon, I was prowling around the house feeling very restless and grumpy. I tried to lie down but couldn't relax. I didn't feel like reading. I didn't want to clean or organize anything. I didn't want to do a craft. I didn't want to take a walk. I just felt very out of sorts. I had almost decided that I'd bake something, but realized that I only wanted to bake so I'd have an excuse to lick the beaters. So I went downstairs to catch up on my email until it was time for bowling. I felt really glad that I hadn't given in.

Our bowling season ended last night and our team finished in the middle of the pack, rather than almost last as we did last year. AND you won't believe who the high/low winners were? Yes, that would be me and my partner! Unbelievable. For the final day, they pair the bowlers with the highest and lowest average, the next highest and next lowest, and so on. At the end of the night, the pair who bowled most over their combined average wins. I'm not really sure how we won -- my last game was awful -- but we won!

We had a potluck dinner there too, and I was very pleased with myself. I went to the buffet once and took a very small plate of food -- only things that looked wonderful to me. I took only one dessert! I ate it mindfully and that was it. I was satisfied and didn't really fight any huge urge to run back to the table and stuff myself. I had to walk past the food several more times to get raffle tickets and did give the homemade chocolate chip cookies more than a passing glance, but I really was okay with not having any.

Hey, I can do this.

Therapy Visit #2

This week would normally be a very "dangerous" week for me. I was gone every single evening -- support group, therapy appt, haircut, work...even tonight T and I will be registering couples for the Retrouvaille weekend our community is having. However, every time the mom/wife guilt fairy has popped into my head, I have shushed her firmly. This is one week out of my life, and I will not let stress and guilt drive me to unhealthy behaviors.

I had a very good talk this week with my therapist. I shared my "eating as decompression" theory with her and we chatted about my compulsive/impulsive eating. I told her I haven't binged much at all for the past few weeks, but I sometimes find myself eating something almost unconsciously. I walk past the goodies and work and, almost before I realize it, I'm taking a bite from a cookie. I'm very driven by external cues, so if I come home and T is eating, I immediately want to join him whether I'm hungry or not. She challenged me: the very next time I find myself eating something I had not planned on, I'm to walk over to the sink or trash and throw it away. Eek. I can't imagine doing that if it's something yummy. She asked how I thought I'd feel if I did that and I answered, "Empowered". She said, "Exactly!"

Now I feel as though I'm hyper-aware of everything I eat. I've had a few thoughts pop into my head, but haven't acted on them. For example, R's godmother mailed her an Easter basket of candy. There were some Whoppers in it and I took them to work because no one in our family likes them. The next day I noticed that someone had opened the carton and I started to walk toward them to get one. Then I stopped, literally, in my tracks and thought, "HELLO?!? You brought these in to work because you don't particularly like them!"

Near the end of our session, she said, "It sounds as though the theme "not good enough" has come up a lot for you in life". I had to admit that it had, very often. She told me to journal or write a poem about "not good enough". I haven't started yet, but I've been mulling it over every morning when I walk the dog.

The other morning I weighed 171.2. It's so nice not to have skintight pants anymore.

One more thing I have to share. Last week R said to me, "Mom, I'm finding it so hard to believe in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus because I see so little real magic in the world. When I read books the wizards and fairies seem so real to me, but I look around and I just don't see it." Sometimes I think she is a 70-year-old lady trapped in a 10-year-old's body.

Stunned

I hung up the phone after talking to my sister for 85 minutes and felt absolutely stunned. My beautiful, smart, sweet, wonderful 17-year-old niece started throwing up to lose weight a few months ago -- and has been cutting herself. After losing weight due to the bulimia, she now has her first boyfriend and is spending every second with him, smoking pot and having sex. She had enough credits to graduate from high school last May, but has been taking classes this year so that she could graduate with her friends. Those would be the friends she hasn't seen in weeks, due to the new boyfriend. Her grades, previously all As, are now slipping to Cs and the scholarships being offered by various universities are evaporating. I feel so helpless and scared for her. My sister has had her in therapy, but she refuses to admit that anything is wrong, claiming that she's not engaging in any self-destructive behavior anymore. Then my sister saw a gigantic bandage on her ankle.

To top off my worry, my sister confessed that she also has been harming herself. She started off scratching herself and has now switched to head banging. She gave herself two black eyes a few weeks ago. She's not getting enough sleep, not exercising, AND her husband announced that he's going to leave her "just for a couple of years" so he can move in with his mother and help her pay off her debts. I know...what a family.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I lived closer than 1600 miles away. I wish I could just make everything better. I wrote my niece a long letter telling her of my 25+ year struggle with eating issues and men, and begging her to learn from my mistakes. I don't know if it will do any good, but I had to do something.

Support

Last night I went to the eating disorders support group run by my therapist. I was very nervous when I got there, but thoroughly girded my loins and went in. I grew more and more self conscious as anorexic teenage girl after anorexic teenage girl came in, mothers in tow. I recognized one teen (she was in my preschool storytimes 12 years ago) and her mom. What had I let myself in for? Finally one overweight teen came in -- and I recognized her mother. Oy. I may have bolted except that two women who were at least close to my age came in -- and it was the meeting during the month when parents and loved ones have a separate group. Whew.

It was heartbreaking to listen to these young, beautiful girls talk about eating only one meal a day, being afraid of restaurants, and exercising for hours every day. I just sat there thinking, "Please God, do NOT let this be my daughter six or seven years from now." I feel kind of proud that I was able to offer some concrete suggestions and comments to some of the attendees. One woman told me, "I'm so glad you were here." She is anorexic and bewildered, unable to afford therapy.

On the way home, the first thought that popped into my head was, "Wow, I want to go home and eat." The second thought was, "What? That was weird." I think eating after successfully making it through a stressful situation is a way of decompressing. At the family brunch on Sunday, I didn't overeat a bit. I didn't really eat much at all, actually. However, later at home I had 3 desserts. It was as though I thought "Whew -- it's over. I made it through without bingeing or overeating. Now I can eat." That doesn't really made sense to a sensible person, but until last night it made sense to me. For the rest of the drive home, I considered this new discovery. When I got home, I chatted with T about the meeting and went to sleep. No urge to eat anything at all.

Of Snow and More Snow

I can't believe it's snowing. Well, I CAN believe it -- I just don't want to! The past couple of weeks have been so lovely and snow-free. We still have piles of it, but the roads have been clear and I've not had to worry about falling while walking the dog. Sigh. A white Easter. So festive.

So...about Easter. Last year I wrote in my blog that I "grazed myself into a food coma". I have vague recollections of last year, and I'm determined NOT to do that this year. I've had a really good week working on not procrastinating. I've started a few projects at work that I'd been putting off forever, and when I have the thought "I should do such-and-such or call so-and-so..." I've been doing it rather than writing myself a post-it note and promptly forgetting all about it. No binges this week - no overeating whatsoever. I so didn't want to drag myself from bed to exercise this morning, but fortunately the wee Princess wasn't taking no for an answer when she wanted a walk. After walking her, I prevented total boredom on the elliptical by watching "Prime Suspect". Love that show. I should have been English. Well, I am part English -- in fact, while doing genealogy research my parents discovered that I'm in line for the throne. Of course, I'm around 60th or something, but it's kind of neat to know anyway.

So, back to Easter. Tomorrow I have to whip up two desserts for our post Easter Vigil dinner with the inlaws. Luckily, we talked my MIL into having a lighter dinner, so I'm also making chicken noodle soup. On Sunday we head to the extended family brunch. I have to make raspberry vanilla chip muffins. This is my plan: have a snack before church on Saturday and eat very lightly at dinner afterward. On Sunday, scope out the buffet, take only what looks absolutely fabulous, eat it slowly and mindfully, and stay far, far away from the food for the rest of the day. Chat up the aunts and uncles instead; pretend I'm sociable.

Therapy

I was reading the book Confessions of a Carb Queen, which is a very raw memoir of a woman who went to the Rice Diet Clinic in North Carolina weighing 468.1 pounds and ended up staying for 2 1/2 years, losing 250 pounds or so in the process. It was quite absorbing, though I would have liked more details about how she changed from a person who fell asleep dreaming of food even after her clinic stay to a person who no longer longs for food. Anyway, she had a poem in the book that I just loved:

The jump

is

so

frightening between

where I am

and

where I want to be....

because of all I may become

I will close my eyes and

leap.

---Anonymous

I feel as though today I leapt. I saw my therapist and we wrote out a list of goals. Wow, was it long. Interestingly, her focus is not at all on stopping the binges or food. It's on working on the underlying issues that caused the eating disorder. Huh. Who'd have thought?

She had given me some tests last month and I scored pretty high for having an eating disorder, interpersonal problems, and some other things. I scored almost off the charts for perfectionism and body dissatisfaction. No surprise there whatsoever. I will see her in one week and she asked me to choose one thing from our list of goals to work on. I chose procrastination, so for the next week I am supposed to work on not procrastinating and not needing everything to be perfect (because the two go hand in hand).

In other news, I got an 89, 90, and 97 in bowling, which helped our team win all three games. My average is up to 79 now. In two weeks we have our potluck and the last night until fall. I think I will miss it (HA HA HA HA!). My weekend had its ups and downs. On Saturday we went out to dinner at Logan's Roadhouse. I was already quite hungry when we arrived and we ended up having to wait 75 minutes for a table. By the time we got dinner rolls I could have eaten the table. They serve a humongous bucket of peanuts for you to much on while you wait, but I limited myself to about three because I really wanted to enjoy my dinner. I had only one dinner roll while my 10-year-old ate four! She was quite hungry herself. I really enjoyed my salad, part of my steak, and part of my sweet potato. They have little tiny desserts served in cute little buckets. I had the Nutter Butter Fudgeslide -- about half a cup or so of chocolate mousse with a thin layer of peanut butter topping, and a dollop of whipped cream on top. It was perfect -- just enough sweet and richness. On Sunday, I overate after bowling because I was too hungry, but I didn't binge. Yesterday was fine. I'm getting there.

p.s. I saw four crocuses in our front yard! Wa hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dinner in the Alley

Here is my little C at a dinner we had at the library last night. Yes, she is pointing to a stuffed rat. Every year we divide the staff in half and each half makes a themed dinner for the other half. This year our team's theme was "The Alley". I was a little uncomfortable since it seemed a bit non-PC, but my team was gung-ho for it, so whatever. Our decor was that of a run-down alley, complete with trash, grafitti, a car garage with pin-up calendar (photos of the other team photoshopped onto pin-up bodies), a peep show, winos (mannequins with our bosses' faces on them)....okay, I'm quitting while I'm behind. The other team couldn't stop laughing and we all had a great time stuffing ourselves with loads of food.

I definitely ate too much and paid for it with a tummy ache, a sleepless night, and a grouchy demeanor this morning when I awoke. I definitely didn't eat intuitively. I really ate very little except for ...ahem...the desserts. You knew that was coming, didn't you? Yes, I'm 100% certain that my body didn't want either of the two pieces of cake I ate, or the four cookies, or the half a Twinkie. I didn't even LIKE the Twinkie! Ew. It tasted of chemicals. I could tell the chocolate cake was frosted with canned frosting, yet I finished the piece anyway. Sigh.

I gave myself a pep talk. One meal does not a life ruin. I'm back on track today, eating until satisfied and eating what my body wants. There are loads of leftover goodies in our back room, but looking at them just makes me feel icky.

Normalcy, continued....

....or normality, as they would say in the U.K. :-)

It's almost surreal how totally normal I've been feeling about food and eating. I've lost some weight (172.6 yesterday), which is nice, but even nicer is that I've felt so relaxed about eating. I made cookies twice last weekend for a potluck we attended, and I didn't really care much about eating them or not eating them. I ate a couple on Saturday, and a couple more on Sunday, but I don't feel any particular need to run to the cupboard and eat them all or anything.

On Sunday we had bowling (I got a 68, 105, and 98 -- my average is now 87), and I had eaten lentil soup, potato chips, and a pear for lunch. I'd eaten a bit late because I was busy making the soup and pumpkin bread, so I wasn't really hungry by the time 4:45pm rolled around (which is when we leave for bowling). Usually I'd wrestle with myself --" Should I eat? I know I'll be hungry before 8:15 (which is when we usually get home), but I'm not hungry. Should I buy something at the bowling alley? No, it's all fried and I'm too cheap anyway. AACK! What to do? I think I should eat now in case I get hungry...." etc. -- lots of mental anguish. This past Sunday I just thought, "Eh, I'm not hungry right now. Should I eat? No, because I'm not hungry. I'll probably be starving by 8pm, but I'll either eat there or just wait. Nothing will happen if I wait." I was indeed starving by the time we got home, but I just had a small meal and went to bed. All was good.

Last night we ate pretty early and then stuffed Easter eggs for the annual hunt. The sight of all that candy didn't even faze me. When the girls went to get their dessert, I saw them eating Girl Scout cookies and wandered in to the kitchen. I ate half a no-bake cookie and half a peanut butter cookie, but then thought, "You know, I'm not really hungry. These would taste so much better when I really want them and I'm not just eating them out of habit." So I didn't have any more. I realized when I went to bed that I was hungry, but I was too lazy to get up and eat anything. By morning I was ravenous. As I was walking the dog, I was thinking, "There's no way I can exercise without eating something." Before riding my exercise bike I had a banana, half a piece of pumpkin bread, and a piece of "lite" whole wheat bread, and a smear of peanut butter. Then I got kind of panicky -- eek! I had eaten a bunch of calories and the day had barely started! Maybe I should skip my usual breakfast! Thankfully, my reasonable self piped up with, "Chick! Chill! So what? You were hungry and you ate -- that's totally what normal people do!" I was still hungry after exercising, showering, and dressing, so I ate my usual breakfast and that was that.

So, I've been concentrating on really listening to my body and what it is hungry for. Last night I barely ate 1/4 of my baked potato (granted, I think it was a mutant potato because it was gigantic), half my chicken breast, and a bit of mixed vegetables and I was REALLY full. I still had lots of food on my plate, but I just sat there with the feeling that I should be cleaning my plate and ignoring it. Mom didn't always know best.

On Saturday, T and I had a "writing day" for Retrouvaille. After couples attend the initial weekend, they have 12 post talks that follow up on the things they learned. Last fall T and I wrote one of the talks and gave it. It was pretty rewarding and the community really needs more post talk presenters, so we decided to write another talk. It's rather amusing that our talk is on sex and intimacy. My sweet dh can't even say the word SEX, so I was really curious to see how he did with writing about it. The day was long, but we just about finished the talk and he did okay with it. Now, to see him actually read his talk -- that will be another thing. I am going to push T to do more writing. Retrouvaille teaches a tool called dialogue, which involves writing and sharing your feelings without judgment from your spouse. I always feel wrung out yet peaceful after I've done a whole day of writing, but even doing one question is very helpful for me. When you write, you have to identify your feelings, and that's something I really wrestle with. Having to write down my feelings forces me to really think about what exactly they are. I keep thinking that one of these years I won't have to stare at the "feeling words" list for several minutes before I can choose one!

Normalcy Reigns

I've been having several "normal" days...those days when you think "Why would I ever eat half a package of Girl Scout cookies and make myself feel that icky?" I've been trying to puzzle out why I feel so calm, but can't really put my finger on it. I've been exercising and not overeating and just feeling good. I made two batches of homemade chocolate chip cookies and didn't feel the slightest urge to gobble down any dough or more than one baked cookie. I even started my period and no PMS. Except migraines for three days in a row -- the usual. I tried the new medication my doctor gave me (Maxalt) and WOW! That stuff is fabulous! I want to kiss the researcher who came up with it. I take one tablet and my migraine completely disappears within an hour. No more taking to my bed in agony with prayer and Tylenol PM.

I skipped yoga last week. I can't really say exactly why, but I don't want to go anymore. I tried to tell T I wanted to quit, but he doesn't want me to. Perhaps this is terribly dishonest of me, but I'm going to leave the house and do something else for the final couple of weeks. I probably will end up telling him the truth anyway. I did enjoy yoga, but as the weeks went on there was a lot of ....well, being upside down, for lack of a better description. I HATE that "blood rushing to your head" feeling. I always feel terribly hot and just yucky. Ugh.

We are already planning our summer vacation. T's mom's family is having a reunion in Wisconsin over the fourth of July weekend and it sounds as though 50 or 60 people will be there. His cousin has a cottage (VERY large house) on a lake there and will host the gathering. She even offered us a room in the house -- woo hoo! Free lodging is always good. I really enjoy most of this part of the family, though I dread going if I'm still this size. The last time many of them saw me was in a size 6 dress at a wedding.

T's brother and wife are coming from London and we're planning to drive up to Mackinac Island for a couple of days before heading across the U.P. to Wisconsin. I hope some of the rest of T's family comes with us. Some of our best vacations have been with his parents and all of his siblings. I know that probably sounds odd if you don't get along with your inlaws, but we all had a blast when we went to Washington D.C. one year for a wedding, and we used to love going to Notre Dame every year for a football weekend. We all had a great time seeing Ireland together too.

Enough babbling. My dh is home from basketball and I have to get to bed. 4:45am comes awfully early -- especially when you have to walk the dog in a snowstorm. Oh, how I long to see a snowdrop instead of snowflakes!

Ups and Downs

Wow -- it takes one a while to recover from vacation, doesn't it? I'm still very behind on reading the blogs I subscribe to, and my laundry is everywhere!

First, a funny: we were going to have "family movie night" on Saturday night and told the girls to go get their pajamas on after dinner. T and I went into our bedroom and locked it because we were planning to be "busy" for a bit. C, who was in the process of changing, heard the dog scratching on our door and came to open it for her. Finding it was locked, she called to me to open it. I called back that I was changing into my pajamas and would be out in a minute. In an exasperated tone she called back, "MOM!! Can't you just open the door?!? Come ON! I'm naked too!"

I went to the symphony with my dad on Friday. I'm too cheap to pay for the parking ramp so I made him walk about half a mile from the car to the hall. It was kind of icy on the sidewalk and all I could think of while we were walking was that he was going to fall and break something and it would be all my fault. The music was lovely. They played something by Mozart, which was okay but not fabulous. There was a guest pianist from Argentina to play Beethoven's Concerto No. 2, which was wonderful. The second half was all music from Porkofiev's Romeo and Juliet, which was fantastic. All in all, a nice evening.

So, I will quit procratinating and confess that I binged for two days after seeing the therapist, and my weight is right back up to 176.8 or something like that. I was better yesterday and (so far) today. I wondered if maybe I was worried that she was going to "make" me stop using food, but I don't really think that was my problem. I think honestly that I am scared because this is IT. She is the REAL DEAL -- a therapist who specializes in people with eating disorders. So what if I can't figure out why I do this to myself? What if I never uncover the reason? What if I do uncover the reason and still can't stop? What if I'm never normal? Frightening. We really didn't get into much in our first session -- it was mainly background stuff, but I felt like a freak describing my weird family of origin. I won't see her again until mid March because she's going on vacation and is booked up prior to going out of town. However, she does have a support group that meets twice a month. I can't go tonight, but can go in two weeks. I'm curious to find out what it's like.

The Happiest Place On Earth

At the risk of sounding terribly corny, we had a truly magical vacation. The start and end were rough, but the days we spent at WDW were wonderful. We woke up at 3:30am and drove to the airport only to find that our flight had been delayed 3 hours, ensuring that we'd miss our connecting flight in Chicago. We had to be re-routed through Denver, with an arrival time in Orlando at midnight. Fortunately, we made it on an earlier flight (yea standby!) and got to Orlando only three hours late.

After we got settled and ate some dinner, we headed to Epcot. We got right on the two rides we really wanted with no wait and stayed to watch Illuminations, the fireworks/laser light show. In the mornings, we did what the guidebooks advised and arrived at the parks before they opened. Seeing the opening "show" was really neat and added to the excitement. We spent the mornings and early afternoons at one park, went back to the resort for a nap and a swim, and then headed out to a different park later in the day.

I swear, it was like we were charmed! We never waited more than 20 minutes for any ride or for the bus. We only used their FASTPASS system a few times, and that worked really well for the few rides that had long lines when we got to them. The girls met so many characters that they filled up their entire autograph books. The weather was GORGEOUS -- warm, sunny, and lovely. It rained for about three minutes one day, but otherwise was perfect. The highlights for C were meeting Ariel, riding Test Track at Epcot, swimming, and eating breakfast with the Disney princesses. R loved every roller coaster, meeting Cinderella, and being chosen to be the captain of the boat on the Jungle Cruise. T and I really enjoyed Animal Kingdom -- the Kilimanjaro Safari was really incredible.

Soarin' at Epcot was one of my favorite rides, though to be honest, every ride was fun. Disney does an awesome job with atmosphere. Every ride has great "decor", so you feel entertained even while waiting in line. The shows were fun too -- we saw Beauty and the Beast, Nemo, The Lion King, Turtle Talk with Crush, the Monsters Inc Comedy Club, and several of the 3-D movies. C got a bit scared at "Honey I Shrunk the Audience", but otherwise she was game to do everything. She rode just about every ride she was tall enough for and loved the roller coasters we went on.

I forgot to leave a tip for "mousekeeping" the first day, but after I remembered to do so on the following days, we arrived "home" to find little surprises each day. The first day, our maid arranged all of the stuffed animals as though they were watching cartoons, with the remote in one paw. On subsequent days, she left little washcloth animals for the girls, which they delighted in (pictured above). Note to self: never forget the tip!

I never walked so much in my life! According to my pedometer, we walked 8-10 miles every day. My knees, shins, and feet were so sore I thought I'd need a knee replacement by the time we got home. As for my eating....well, it could have been better. On the Disney Dining Plan, you get a snack, a counter meal, and a sit-down meal each day. We used our snack for breakfast, since you could get a bagel with peanut butter or a muffin. I had a bagel each day. Our lunches were pretty healthy -- mostly sandwiches, with fruit or carrot and celery sticks swapped for the fries, cole slaw or chips. They were really good about allowing swaps. Unfortunately, each lunch came with dessert, so we had dessert twice a day (since dinner also came with a dessert). We didn't snack at all, but three or four of our dinners were buffets, and each had about 10 dessert choices. I left at least three of the buffets feeling overfull. Ugh.

We went to check out and leave our luggage with the "Magical Express" people, planning to use our final four lunches and snacks to have a leisurely breakfast prior to going to the airport. Unfortunately, we discovered that United (never flying them again!) had changed our flight time (and didn't notify us of the fact) and not only did we have to take our own luggage to the airport, but we had to get on the bus to the airport immediately or risk missing our flight. ARGH! R and I raced inside to grab muffins and we barely got on the bus to the airport. We spent about $50 we wouldn't have had to spend, using curbside check-in and buying lunch at the airport in Chicago. Our flight from Chicago had been changed too, so we didn't arrive home until 7pm or so. We arrived to 15 degree temperatures and lots of new snow. Yippee.

Today is my appointment with the therapist who specializes in BED. I'll let you know how it goes!

Back From Our Weekend

Wow...hanging out with couples who are 10 and 15 years younger than you can really make you feel your age! We had a fun weekend, but I am really tired. I am quite proud of myself because I didn't allow my anxious and insecure feelings to interfere with normal eating this past weekend. There was definitely some snacking going on, but nothing out of hand. I was so worried about feeling fat and frumpy, but I realized when we arrived at the cabin that three of the women there are my size or a size larger. After dinner on Friday, we all went out to a casino. Gambling isn't really my thing, so I took a book to read by the fire (it was a resort, not just a casino). I felt like an old lady -- especially after I fell asleep while reading. After the casino, I thought we'd all go to bed -- it was midnight after all. We got back to the cabin and played games and drank (I drank water -- they drank beer and mixed drinks) until 4am! T and I had been up for 24 hours at that point. We all finally went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8:30am. Ahhh...when you're only 28, the ability you have to bounce back quickly is amazing!

On Saturday we had breakfast, played in the snow (another girl and I stayed indoors chatting), went bowling, ate dinner out, and went back to the cabin for more games and drinking. By 10pm I felt really tired and went to lay down. They all stayed up til 1am. I tried to sleep, but the cabin was really just a large open room with a loft, so their laughter and music kept me awake til 1am also. Thankfully, everyone slept in until 8 or so on Sunday. We decided to start for home in the late morning because the temperature was below zero with 40 m.p.h. winds. The drive home was long and stressful. Since we stopped for breakfast/lunch, we got home around 2pm.

All in all, it was fun, though I wavered between really trying hard and just feeling like I wanted to go to bed. I hope they didn't think I was an old fuddy duddy. Luckily, the hostess is also a non-drinker so I didn't feel pressure to join in with the alcohol. She also doesn't enjoy the snow much, so I didn't feel too ancient staying inside instead of going out to sled behind quad runners (which, frankly, scares the *^!% out of me since breaking my leg). I didn't even embarrass myself too badly in bowling -- got a 103 one game and beat two of the guys. I suppose I would have felt kind of old even if I weighed 120. Speaking of weight, I weighed 174.6 this morning -- four pounds less than last week. I'm glad because I felt like I really ate "normally" last week. I didn't restrict my eating, but tried not to eat when I wasn't hungry and tried to stick with my 3 meals and 2 snacks.

The hostess this past weekend was the only one of us who isn't overweight at all. She left food on her plate at every meal, except when she served herself. I don't know if she's a restrained eater or an intuitive eater. To give you an example, when we went out Saturday night she ordered the burger and fries platter, but asked to have them leave off the fries. She cut her burger in half and ate about 2/3 of it -- and it was only a 1/4 lb burger. At breakfast on the way home, she left at least half of her meal behind. She didn't snack much at all. I saw her eat a brownie and a couple of Little Debbie peanut butter bars, but never saw her eat chips, crackers, or nuts at all. Interesting.

Thank you for your comment Isabelle -- you're always very kind. You know, sometimes I think I would be fine at this weight (...or maybe just a BIT smaller... :-)) if I just had a normal relationship with food. If I could just eat without all of the baggage attached, I'd be much happier. Maybe with the therapist's help, it will happen.

I may not be able to post again until we return from Disney World. I'm quite excited to be escaping the snow, and (fingers crossed) the weather forecast looks promising.

Feeling Those Feelings Again

Today is one of those days when I just want to eat all day long. I've been doing well this whole week with the "eating only my planned meals and snacks" idea. Though I haven't really been restricting my calories, I haven't binged or even overeaten much. I think my anxiety today is due to the upcoming weekend. I'm looking forward to two days off because I've worked 13 in a row, but I wish I were going to be vegging in a chair instead of driving north with friends. We are going "up north" to a cabin on Lake Michigan tonight for the weekend with four other couples. I wish I were excited. I wish I felt happy about it. All I can think about is how fat I look. I feel grumpy and crabby and chubby.

I don't really like going to clubs, I'm a terrible dancer, I don't really drink, I like to go to bed early and get up with the chickens, and I'd much rather go to a movie than a party. T loves to stay up late and drink and "party" with large groups of people. Don't get me wrong -- he's never done drugs in his life and doesn't have any addictions -- but he loves a good beer or two or three when we go out. He usually drinks enough that he doesn't feel comfortable driving home.

What I wonder though is -- do I really not like going to parties or do I only not like it when I am fat? When we first started dating, I tried. I put on the "sparkly party girl" personality and went to all of the parties we were invited to. I wasn't skinny then, but I was almost 30 lbs skinnier than I am now. After we had R, I felt even less like going to bars and parties, but I encouraged him to go without me. It was so bad that his coworkers teased him that I only existed in the picture in his wallet. Was it all insecurity about my weight or was part of it just me? Am I really a shy introvert or am I just self conscious about my body. It's hard to separate the two because I've been insecure about my weight since I was 15.

When my husband and I were separated, I hardly ate and lost a bunch of weight very quickly. I started doing aerobics again and lost even more. I was a size 8, then a size 6. I was desperate to save my marriage. I started going to every single party and concert and get together we were invited to. I drank vodka and diet coke at a Kid Rock concert and "flashed" because T jokingly suggested it. I ingratiated myself with all of his coworkers and their wives. I organized group outings to see the local improv group, to go out to dinner, and to go to see Tina and Tony's Wedding (which was HILARIOUS, BTW). I danced at all of his coworkers' weddings and called up all of the deputies' wives for "girls night out". I was "super outgoing wife" supreme. Was it me? Well, no. I was forcing myself to do it. However, I had a great time most of the time. I felt sexy, confident, and popular.

Even after we got back together, we kept up a busy social life, albeit not at the same breakneck pace. Then I broke my leg. We still went to some weddings and other outings. I even went to a wedding using a walker and didn't feel too embarrassed. Then I gained forty pounds. I am again in hermit mode, ashamed of my weight gain and ashamed of my body. We still go do things we're invited to do, but I haven't organized anything in ages. I know it's silly. I know that if these people really like me, they'll like me whether I weigh 136 or 178. I still feel like hiding in my house.

On An Upswing

In spite of feeling rather queasy all weekend, I'm feeling pretty upbeat today. I was getting nervous that I might be pg because I have been so tired and now was queasy. However, my fears were allayed today. Whew.

I saw my new doctor for a "getting to know you" visit today. She was wowed by my impressive surgical history and my low blood pressure. She is sending me to have a blood test for lipids, CA125, sugar, etc., and a vaginal ultrasound. I just had one in May, but since I'm seeing her for a physical in April she wants me to have one done before then. I broached the subject of having my ovaries removed, but she'd really like to see me wait until menopause. I felt a little uneasy because she was surprised to heat that a BRCA1+ mutation confers a higher risk of ovarian cancer, but maybe she's never had a BRCA1+ patient. I got a new prescription for migraine medication too. I had such a bad headache the other night that I took some of my leftover Vicodin (it's actually expired, but I figure it's still okay, right?). I spoke to her about my eating issues and she said she has a patient who is in a support group that has been very helpful. She said she'd look up the info for me if I can't get in to see a psychologist, or even if I do see one.

I called the psychologist I wrote about last time and made an appointment for Feb 20. I'm nervous, but mostly I feel really relieved. I had a totally normal weekend, as far as eating goes -- feeling queasy probably helped with that though. I ate my meals and snacks and nothing in between. Actually, yesterday I didn't even eat snacks or lunch. We went out to breakfast late and I wasn't hungry til 6pm or so.

Thank you for your supportive comments on my last post. It's funny -- I am a very competitive person, but in yoga I'm so focused on trying to get the pose right that I don't really even notice the other women in the room. Most of them are my age or older and not exactly slim, which probably helps me not to feel inadequate or judged. The thing I worry most about is when the teacher says the name of the pose and I think, "AACK! Which one is that?!?"

Seeking Help

Is this perimenopause? Every month around the time my period is due to start, I feel incredibly exhausted. I feel as though I took a sleeping pill and can barely keep my eyes open. For the past few months I've also experienced a few days in a row of migraine headaches. Oh, the joy of being female. I'm at work today (another long stretch...day 7 of 13 in a row) and I feel as though I could just crawl under my desk and sleep.

Yoga this week was great. Wow -- I can't believe something so calm can make me so overheated. My knee wasn't sore even after exercising yesterday, but today it is. I did share my past injury with my teacher, but she really just said not to do anything that hurts. It doesn't hurt at the time of the class, just gets sore later. I'll miss the next two weeks due to R's school concert and our vacation to WDW. I hope I don't feel completely lost when I return.

Last night I hosted six of my coworkers for a potluck. It was the first time most of them had ever been to my house and it was really odd showing them around. I've never been to most of their houses and I couldn't help wondering what they thought. I ate WAY too much and went to bed feeling really uncomfortable. I have to (again) face the fact that even though I haven't been bingeing for the past six weeks, I have NOT been eating intuitively. I've been grazing throughout the day when I'm not hungry, and just eating whatever I felt like eating. I haven't been overeating at meals (except for last night), but I've been snacking on too many nuts and carbs like Fiber One Honey Clusters and milk or whole wheat bread and peanut butter. Yes, it sounds healthy, but too many calories = tight clothing no matter how healthy the excess calories are.

I weighed myself this morning. I haven't gotten on the scale for a really long time -- since October maybe? Wow. I weighed 178.6. Wow. I am almost up to my highest weight ever (182 when I was a freshman in college). I can't imagine what I'd weigh if I didn't exercise so much. I happened upon a book called Binge No More by Joy Nash and was perusing it over the past few days. One thing she says is that intuitive eating is all well and good, but telling a person with BED that you should eat whenever you're hungry isn't very useful. That works well for someone who has had a chronic dieting problem, but not for someone with a chronic eating problem. She thinks the first step in recovery is to eat three planned meals and two snacks, and limit your eating to those times. Don't limit WHAT you eat for now, but eat only at your planned times, and place a time limit on those times (30 minutes for a meal, for example). That prevents you from grazing all day long or constantly having to ask yourself "Am I really hungry?". You also keep a sheet with what you ate, what time you ate, your feelings and activity at the time, and whether or not it turned into a binge.

I was REALLY unhappy when I was skinny. I was happy with the way I looked, but I was miserable about the fact that I overexercised and constantly thought about food. I am also REALLY unhappy right now. Yes, I'm unhappy with my weight, but I still constantly think about food. I'm going to start working on the suggestions in Nash's book today. I have resisted keeping any kind of food sheet because I equated it with my days of constant hunger. However, if I know that I'm only going to eat my planned meals and snacks, I think it will feel less intrusive.

We switched insurance this year and I found a psychology office that participates in our insurance and has a woman who treats BED. I'm going to call Monday and see if I need some sort of referral or if I can just make an appointment. It's time I sought out some help from a professional.

Oh, the Irony! Yoga is Causing Me Stress...

I've finished three weeks of yoga now and though I enjoy it and leave feeling relaxed (0nly to get home to the blood-pressure-rise inducing routine of putting the reluctant children to bed), but I don't know that I'll be able to continue it when this round of classes ends. My knee was quite sore after last week's session and remains sore even today. I still exercised three out of the last five days, but had to ride my bike on level two this morning.

On week one of yoga, I thought I'd have time to go home, make dinner, eat, and get to yoga on time. Um, no. I made dinner, gobbled mine down in three seconds, and arrived five minutes late. On week two, I got my family dinner at KFC (and was so rushed that I left without the chicken -- my dh had to go back for it), raced home to change my clothes, and grabbed a handful of nuts on the way out the door. I arrived 2 minutes late and was so hungry by the time I got home that I ate too much. For week three, I was determined to be early and well fed. I took my yoga clothing to work, put dinner in the crockpot for my family, packed a dinner to take with me, and told my dh I'd be home AFTER yoga. You know what they say about the best laid plans? Yeah. T called me at 4:40pm to say that there had been a bad accident and he was being sent to the scene. He had no idea when he'd be home, but ordered me to find someone to watch the kids and go to yoga.

I called my sainted neighbor, who promptly said she'd keep the kids but would have to take them to the "Oliver!" audition at the high school. I picked up the girls, raced home, packed the girls off to the neighbor's house, changed clothes, gulped down my dinner, put the crockpot dinner in the fridge, and raced to yoga. I arrived 1 minute late. I did leave feeling much less stressed, but after picking up the girls, helping them finish homework, dealing with C's whining and throwing herself on the floor (caused by exhaustion), and tucking them in to bed, I was tense and crabby. T got home around 10pm, poor guy (he starts work at 5:45am, so it was a long day). Week four....we'll see what excitement will ensue this Thursday.

ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SICK

OF

SNOW!

(cute little girl though, huh?)

Day 11 -- Whew!

I can't believe I made it 11 days in a row without getting sick, having a breakdown, or strangling a patron! Tomorrow I finally have a day off; R is having an overnight guest tonight, another one tomorrow night, both girls have gymnastics tomorrow, and I have to take C to see the Doodlebops in concert tomorrow afternoon. So much for a restful day off. I'm off work for the day in 8 minutes and I plan to do nothing more strenuous than bake some cookies and walk the dog this afternoon (and watch C and her friend, and take R and her friend to "Parents' Night Out" at school, and....).

My second yoga class went quite well -- no pain, or soreness. It doesn't feel much like exercise, but I feel stretched out and relaxed by the end of class. I then had to go home to a stressful atmosphere of trying to straighten up for the cleaning lady. Oh well, at least I HAVE a cleaning lady.

Yoga Convert!

Yoga went quite well. I grabbed an extra foam mat for times when we had to kneel and it didn't really hurt. I realized that my knee definitely bends a bit farther than it used to, though I still can't quite sit cross-legged. There was only one thing I couldn't do (put my foot on my inner thigh while standing -- I think it's a tree pose) but heck, most of the class couldn't do it either. We put our feet on our ankles instead. It was only the first class, but so far I don't think anyone would know that I am any less capable than my classmates. I was pleased to find that I can still stand with straight legs and put my hands flat on the floor. I felt so relaxed and lovely after the class was done.

Bowling yesterday was also a success. My average is now 71, and I bowled an 81, 105, and 98. I saw a Hello Kitty bowling bag online -- I think I must have it to go with my bowling ball. I found a Seattle Seahawks bowling ball at the same site as the bag, so I think I have T's birthday gift all set. His birthday isn't til May, but I like to be prepared.

Though I have still been successful at having no sweets on only two days this year, I have cut my consumption of them way back. It helps that we don't have anything besides chocolate in the house, and work hasn't been the usual treatfest lately. I'm on day 7 of my 11-day stretch of working every day. Oy. I'm glad this coming week is busy with five storytimes and a meeting.

Blah

That's how I feel ...blah.... I've had a headache every afternoon for three days. I don't know if it's the change in the weather (we had a sudden warm up this past week), related to hormones, or what, but it's very wearing. The skies are grey and icky, as usual in January, and I probably am fighting the SAD that has plagued me since moving back north from Texas. I am also in the midst of working 11 days in a row. Actually I WISH I were in the midst -- I am only on day 4. Tomorrow I have a bit of a break since I have training all day to learn Powerpoint, but then I have to work the next 7 days in a row. Boo hoo.

Okay, enough whingeing. I can't stand myself. I just got back from a very long walk with the dog. I slept terribly fitfully last night and couldn't get up at 4:45am when my alarm went off, so I skipped my morning exercise (except for walking the dog). So we set out after I got home from work to go to the park. I'm not sure how far we walked -- my new pedometer says four miles, though I think it is suspiciously optimistic -- but we walked for 90 minutes. I know most people could walk four miles in 90 minutes, but since breaking my leg I am the slowest walker ever. It takes me 30-35 minutes to walk a mile with the dog. I imagine part of that is due to the stopping for peeing and sniffing and eating disgusting things that are mashed into the road. Ugh. Tonight is my first yoga class. I'm kind of excited, but nervous that I won't really be able to do it since my leg doesn't bend all the way anymore. Stay tuned.

Lately when I catch a glimpse of myself in a window, I can't help but see how round I've gotten. I feel somewhat embarassed by it, but I'm trying to convince myself that perhaps I could be both round and happy. It doesn't really work. Here I am at left with my dear SIL, who has also struggled with her weight since high school. It seems very unfair that she has four male siblings and a dad who were all skinny beanpoles as teenagers and young adults (one still is -- four struggle a bit with love handles). My SIL and I joined TOPS together about 8 years ago and became quite close because of it. We used to walk together every evening and chat about everything. We both lost quite a bit of weight -- I think she got down to a size 14 -- but alas, we both gained it all back. We've grown apart a bit since she got married and had an instant family of three stepchildren (whose mom died several years ago), but I still consider her my best friend. I know she too is terribly unhappy about being overweight and I wish I could wave a wand over both of us.

Resolving After All

New Year's Eve was a rockin' time, as you can see by the lovely jammies we donned the minute I got home from work at 5:30pm.

R was quite insistent that we had to make New Year's resolutions and put them up on the fridge, the better to keep ourselves on track. So, here are the family's pledges for 2008:

C:

Only pet Princess the right way
Keep my chair upright at the table
Always use a tissue or napkin instead of my sleeve
Get up right away when called in the morning

R:

Use good manners at the table
Keep my chair or barstool upright
Do my chores every day
Get more exercise
Take Princess on longer walks
Eat more vegetables
Learn to ride my bike

S:

Take at least one picture every day in 2008
From spring to fall, ride my “outside” bike at least once a week
Eat less sugar – abstain from dessert four times a week
Finish 2 multi-picture frames and hang them
Take golf lessons and play golf at least three times
Sort recipes and discard at least half of them

T:

Exercise daily
Do back exercises daily
Drink less soda

Hmmm..somehow my dh got away with only making three. R's are quite ambitious, but so far she's doing well. We put a change jar in the dining room and if someone keeps a resolution that day, he or she gets to put a coin in the jar. Then we'll do something fun with the money next December.

My eating has been quite uneven lately, but I haven't binged for several weeks. I haven't even overeaten at many meals, though I've eaten far too many sweets (I think you may have heard that from me before). Hence, my NY resolution. I've only gone two days with no sweets so far, but those two days weren't awful at all.

Unfortunately, my exercise has been spotty at best. Besides walking the dog, I think I've only exercised four or five times in the past three weeks. Now that the kids' vacation is over, I will be back on track tomorrow. I still have resisted the urge to weigh myself, but if anything, I've gained a few pounds since thanksgiving. All of my life has been a cycle of suddenly getting the "willpower" to lose weight, losing weight very quickly, maintaining the loss anywhere from a month to 18 months, bingeing back up to starting weight or beyond, maintaining the higher weight for the most part, and then starting all over again with the weight loss. Right now I'm in the "maintaining the higher weight" part (though it's been a slow upward creep for the past year or more). Every time I think of trying to lose weight, I feel defeated before I start. The idea of all that sacrifice...ugh. Then I look at this picture....

To Resolve or Not to Resolve....

I checked out last year's December and January entries and it appears that I made no New Year's resolutions last year. I think this year I will resolve to complete more of the items on my life list. I'm making pretty good headway so far:

interview my kids for a scrapbook page -- I have interviewed C, but not yet R

make gifts in a jar for bus drivers/teachers, etc for Christmas -- done! It was fairly simple -- it took me about 1 1/2 hours to fill 12 jars, cut out the fabric to cover the tops, & cut the yarn out and tie on the directions. I printed out the directions and mounted them on scrapbook paper the night before, so that would probably add on another 30 minutes. I have already decided that I will double or triple the number I make next year and skip making goodies for other people. After spending 12 hours in the kitchen one day and five or so the next, baking had lost all appeal. Next year I'll make a few things for our family, but give the cookie mixes to others. I think receiving a cookie mix in a jar is nicer than receiving cookies anyway. Then you can make the cookies at your convenience.

institute a yearly "girly day" with each daughter -- get manicures, pedicures, eat out, shop, etc -- done! And fun! Less activity packed next time though -- it was exhausting.

institute family movie night -- so far we've had four of them. T pops popcorn, I make hot chocolate for the girls & tea for me, and we've taken turns choosing the movie. None of them have been truly awful so far, though T and I both fell asleep during "Underdog". We've also watched "The Shaggy Dog" (the original, not the Tim Whats-his-Name version), "Flubber" (also the original -- who doesn't love Fred MacMurray?), and "Miracle on 34th Street" (not the original because I can't stand it and I like to drool over Dylan McDermott in the newer version).

make a shadow box of dh's work awards --done! For one of his Christmas gifts, I made a shadow box of all of his 5K race medals, along with one of his race numbers and some pictures of his team. I made a second shadow box with the life-saving medals he won, the actual paper award, and the letter describing what he did to win it. I hung it on the wall and on each side hung eight 8x10 framed photos of him taken at work (one with President Ford, one with Dick Cheney, one with Karen Hughes, one with his motorcycle unit, etc.) The girls and I covered the whole display with some long sheets of paper decorated by them. On Christmas Day we took down the paper. He was quite pleased.

get rid of Aunt L's china -- done! Woo hoo! I packed up four boxes of china and took them to my Aunt Sue, who has a dish addiction. She has several complete sets of dishes. She was thrilled to have them. I had enough room to display my satin glass collection in the china cabinet. Yea!

find some type of volunteer work to do with the whole family -- not for the whole family, but I am going to mentor a middle school student once a week, starting in January and continuing until he or she graduates high school.

hang pictures -- I started this past week. I hung the two shadow boxes and the eight pics for dh, repaired and hung the shadow box that has our wedding flowers, program, etc in it, hung a crucifix in our bedroom, and hung a few pictures in the girls' room. I'm on a roll now!

have gas fire installed in fireplace -- er, well, I called about the price, but it will be at least next fall before this happens!

go to Walt Disney World with the family -- we leave Feb 13 for six days. T is feeling less than enthusiastic about the trip, so I hope it is a good experience for us. It's the most expensive vacation we've ever taken - more than 10 days in England cost us!

make a shadow box with dh's running stuff -- done-- see above

take yoga -- I signed up with a local studio to take classes on Thursday nights starting next week. I was disappointed that the Tai Chi class I wanted to take on Wednesday mornings is at 11, not 10am. It ends at noon and I have to be at work at 11:45am. Oh well -- maybe in the fall.

find someone to give me bowling tips -- haven't done this yet, but I bowled over my (admittedly horrible 69) average all three games yesterday. I only got 2 or 3 gutter balls too.

celebrate half birthdays -- we started doing this a couple of years ago and the girls love it. We have half a cake, put half the number of candles on, and have a treasure hunt for a small gift. This year I remembered to do T's and the girls loved writing the clues for the hunt. He was pleasantly surprised too.

have a yearly "family day"-- we did this two years ago, but somehow never got around to it last year. Two years ago we stayed home the whole day, ate meals chosen by the girls (this somehow involved lots of cooking on my part), and took turns choosing activities for the whole family to do together. I remember we played games, but I don't recall much beyond that. The girls were thrilled with it, though.

So, a good start. This is what remains...rather daunting, but I suppose it is a LIFE list, not a list for 2008.

take a cruise
interview my kids for a scrapbook page
plant a flower bed in the front yard
make peace with my size/weight
take photos of family heirlooms and ask dad about where they came from
have central vac system installed
make A&P a wedding scrapbook
visit Pompeii, Rome, Venice, and Tuscany
become a "normal" eater
take a photo every single day in 2008
plant lily of the valley in the backyard
sort recipes and discard at least half of them
reorganize my linen closet
sort my clothing and take everything out of my closet that doesn't fit or look good on me
buy some gorgeous clothing that DOES look good -- make that great -- on me
find some type of volunteer work to do with the whole family
hang pictures
decide on paint colors for the walls
get a professional photo taken of me and the girls for dh
have gas fire installed in fireplace
drive from coast to coast on a leisurely trip
take golfing lessons
find someone to give me bowling tips
start a blog or myspace page for the extended family
have a gingerbread house decorating party with neighbors and their children
host a neighborhood easter egg hunt
get rid of uncomfortable shoes and never buy any again!
attend an occasion for which I have an excuse to buy a floor-length cocktail dress/ball gown
institute an every other month craft day with the girls

Seven (More) Random Things (Sort of) About Me, Part 2

Mmmm...this is my new favorite vegetable salad. I made it for Christmas Eve dinner and it was delicious. Hardly anyone ate any, which was fine with me. I ate the leftovers for the next four days. Recipe follows:

Colorful Vegetable Salad -- serves 20, about 90 calories each

6 cups broccoli florets
6 cups cauliflowerets
2 cups grape tomatoes, halved
½ large red onion, sliced
2 (2.25 oz) cans sliced ripe olives
1 envelope ranch salad dressing mix
2/3 cup canola oil
¼ cup vinegar

In a large bowl, toss the veggies. In a jar with a tight-fitting lid, combine dressing mix, oil, and vinegar; shake well. Pour over salad and toss. Refrigerate for at least 3 hours.

This fireplace was one of the things I loved about this house when we looked at it for the first time. We’ve never actually used it; I hate cleaning out ashes. It’s all ready for a gas log, but when I called about getting one I found out they cost $600-$800 for nice one! Holy cow – it will have to wait until next year. I think it would be lovely to sit in front of a fire and snuggle, though I’m sure the idea is far more cozy than the reality.

I looked forever to find something to go above the fireplace. I really wanted a wreath, but couldn’t find one that was perfect. Last year at a craft show I saw this eucalyptus wreath and snagged it. T said it smelled like pee. I have to admit he was right, but the smell disappeared after a few months.

The books in front of the fireplace are all Christmas picture books I’ve gotten for the girls over the years. They get packed away with the decorations and only hang out in the living room in December.

For my final "thing"...I have nothing to say. Um...well, I used to wear pantyhose under my jeans (and used to IRON my jeans!) but I now despise panty hose and avoid wearing dresses so I never have to wear it.

Seven (More) Random Things (Sort of) About Me, Part 1

Here are my random things, as tagged by Isabelle. They aren't necessarily about me, as I am so boring I can't really think of anything I haven't already written in the last two taggings.

Here are my fabulous new Ugg slippers, courtesy of Santa Claus. They are so warm and cozy, yet my feet don't get sweaty in them. I'm still rather shamefaced that I spent $80 on a pair of slippers, but the LL Bean pair I spent about $50 on last Christmas fell apart after 11 months. Hopefully these will last a few years.

Here is our new(ish) bed linen. We had a mint green bedspread for years and years and no bed skirt at all. After we moved into our current house, the color clashed with the border in our bedroom and I was rather tired of it anyway. I splurged on the comforter, bedskirt, pillow shams, decorative pillow, 2 valances for the windows, AND 2 pair of sheets. One set of sheets is gold to match the bedskirt and one is the red color in the comforter. That comforter is REALLY warm. We keep our heat at 58 degrees at night and in past winters have had two blankets plus flannel pjs to stay warm. This winter we have only one blanket and if I wear my flannel pjs I wake up roasting in the middle of

the night.

These two pieces are in my collection of satin glass. My parents used to collect and sell antique glassware when I was a kid. We'd go to Shipshewana, Indiana on weekends to set tables at the flea market there. We kids loved to go -- no chores for the weekend -- and we could usually cajole my dad into buying us ice cream. It was the only time we'd get to eat stuff like Chicken in a Biscuit crackers too. Anyway, I always loved the satin glass pieces they had and when I was 18 I bought the blue vase on the right from them to start a collection. They bought pieces for me over the years and I have about 15 various vases, bowls, candlestick holders, etc. It's called satin glass because it feels like satin to the touch...very smooth.

Here are my two wee babes, amid the carnage of Christmas morning. I always loved Christmas. Now that I'm a mom who works full time, I'm in awe of my mom. Somehow she managed to work full time (nights, no less), but still made an entire gingerbread village from scratch for us to decorate every year, baked several kinds of special cookies for the family, cooked a really large dinner on Christmas, complete with fancy china, polished silver, and the like, and I'm pretty sure she bought and wrapped just about everything we kids got for Christmas.

Okay, this wraps up part one because my 5-year-old needs me to put away whatever toy she's playing with and get out something else (for the 99th time today).

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas

I took a couple of days off last week to shop, wrap, write cards, etc. Having C come home at noon really cuts into the day though, and I wasn't quite as productive as I'd planned. Today is my last day of work until December 27 and I'm looking forward to having several days off. Tomorrow I have to make 24 cookie mixes in a jar, finish the Christmas letter and cards, and bake. That won't be too restful! I'm going to have to take special care not to eat out of resentment, being tired, etc.

We went to Frankenmuth last Saturday with T's brother and family. Visiting Bronner's was a very surreal experience. I'm pretty sure I've never seen that many ornaments in one place before. We ate at Zehnder's, which is a mecca for people who like to eat a LOT. Holy cow -- the buffet was gigantic. I didn't order it because I knew there was no way I'd eat $20 in food. I only ate half of the $10 chicken dinner I did order. Buffets have an ick factor for me anyway -- lukewarm bland food with serving utensils touched by lots of unwashed hands. Ewww. The bakery at Zehnder's was filled with lucious looking cakes, cookies, and the like, but I resisted buying anything. I was full, even with half a lunch, until about 8pm. We visited the Mirror Maze, which the kids loved. It made me nauseated, but it was fun for a while.

My eating has been okay. I had one mini-binge episode last night when I ate about 9 graham crackers, but other than that I've talked myself out of any urges since a week ago Sunday (when I had the carrot cake pig out). Last Friday was HARD -- I just wanted to binge from dawn til dusk. I realized that I really just had a terrible headache and eating definitely wasn't going to help. Late afternoon I had a strong urge, but I knew T and I were going out to dinner and I wanted to be hungry for it, so I just had a snack. I feel hopeful that it's getting easier to resist the urge to eat when I'm not hungry. I made cinnamon rolls on Sunday and I ate one, along with an egg. I wanted more, but I was full. I just told myself that I could eat another one whenever I wanted. I still wanted to eat it, but not so much that I overruled my desire to be normal. My coworkers have been bringing in wave after wave of goodies. I've been doing some impulsive eating -- just because it's there and looks so delicious -- but not stuffing myself or anything. I've been having back-and-forth diet thoughts, but so far I haven't been able to summon any real enthusiasm for trying to lose weight. I've been eating really small meals -- one piece of pizza for dinner last night, and only half my dinner when we've gone out -- but the grazing on goodies probably makes up for that.

I had an odd experience last week when I fell on the ice in the driveway. I heard a loud crunch in my knee, but rather than doing any damage I think I actually broke some scar tissue. It seems to me that my knee bends a bit farther than it used to. How weird is that?!? Weird, but kind of good.

Weekend Report

Isabelle tagged me to write 7 random things about myself. I'll get to that later in the week.

We took our girls to hear the Pops Holiday Concert on Saturday, which was lovely. It would have been lovelier had my five-year-old not gotten restless near the end. Somehow the Hallelujah chorus isn't quite as beautiful when listening to "Can we go?" at the same time. She greatly enjoyed the guest pianist, Sam Stryke, however. Every time he played she sat straight up and watched him. He was very talented and I put his Christmas CD on my wish list.

After the symphony, T and I went to a Christmas party. It was a potluck and I didn't overeat -- yeah. I probably ate too much dessert, but barely ate any dinner, so perhaps it evened out. We had a "white elephant" gift exchange, which involved much laughter. I actually came home with a very nice cookbook stand shaped like a music stand. T and I won the Christmas trivia game and so we also came home with an advent calendar filled with chocolate truffles.

Yesterday T's nephew was baptized and we spent most of the day at my inlaw's house, chatting with various relatives and relaxing. I hardly ate any lunch, but managed to eat three cookies, along with four or five pieces of carrot cake. Ick. I didn't get hungry again until 9:30pm, while we were watching the movie "Live Free or Die Hard", which is the very definition of the word far-fetched. I still enjoyed it though -- I like Bruce Willis in that role. I ate a bowl of cereal and called it good. I wasn't too hungry most of today either. Carrot cake must be pretty darn filling. Ay yi yi.

Still Clearing Emotional Blocks

I meant to go back and write more yesterday, but somehow after I got home my free time evaporated in a haze of cooking, trying to fill out dental claim forms, and reading to my girls. I'm pretty sure dental claim forms were invented by Satan.

I've still been listening to the Clearing Emotional Blocks CD every night, though I don't know that I've made it through the whole half hour recording more than twice without dozing off. I think it's helping me feel calmer on a daily basis, though it could be coincidence. I don't want to jinx myself, but I haven't had a binge or even much of an urge to binge for at least a couple of weeks. I have overeaten a few times, but haven't even done much of that.

Of course, my thoughts have turned to "....maybe I could lose some weight...", especially because I think I've actually GAINED weight in spite of daily exercise and not overeating. I haven't weighed myself, but the pants that were quite loose on me two months ago are now tight. I really don't understand it. I've been resisting the urge to track my food intake because I KNOW that makes me crazy, but I really don't feel as though I'm eating too much. I've been cooking mostly from my "healthy" cookbooks and eating small portions. Maybe it's the 1/2 cup of lowfat egg nog here and extra creamer in my coffee there type of thing-- I know "they" say it doesn't take very many extra calories on a daily basis to put on weight. I'm trying hard to resist to urge to return to my fair weather friend fitday.com and track my calories. I've been obsessing far less on food these days, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Feeling Emotional...or Not

I have been reading the book Gaining by Aimee Liu, which is about anorexic women who've recovered -- what they have in common, their experiences during and after being anorexic, etc. It's really quite interesting, and I share a lot of traits with the women, though I've never been anorexic. One of the things she describes is holding in emotions. I remember being very prone to tears when I was younger; I'd burst into tears at the slightest hint of criticism or anger directed toward me. My boyfriend used to accuse me of manufacturing tears for sympathy during our fights, but that was just the way I was wired. Something has changed over the years and I very rarely cry these days.

Even the feeling of wanting to cry is rare. When my mom died, I started crying a couple of times, but I didn't ever have a nice, long cry. I wish I could. I asked my husband if he though it odd that I don't cry. He didn't seem to think much of it, but I wonder at my habit of holding my emotions so tightly in check. I purposely avoid sad movies and books, when I used to love watching things like Beaches or Terms of Endearment. I haven't been able to bring myself to read Water for Elephants or any of the recent bestsellers that seem as though they'd be sad. Hmmm..maybe what I really need is to START watching sappy movies and reading sad books!

More later...

Clearing Emotional Blocks -- and a Thanksgiving Report

After reading about Melissa's neat experience with it, I ordered the "Clearing Emotional Blocks" CD from Jennifer Polle's website a couple of weeks ago. I've been listening to it for about 10 days now -- every night as I fall asleep. I'm not sure I've actually made it through the whole CD more than once without dozing off, but she has a lovely soothing voice. Maybe my subconscious is absorbing lots of good affirmations. I have felt happier and more relaxed lately. After a month of listening to it, I'll try listening to her CD on intuitive eating.

Thanksgiving weekend was fairly relaxing. On thanksgiving, I didn't overeat at all. I ate quite small portions of the foods I like, skipped those I don't, and had two small pieces of the desserts. When I started feeling restless and cruising by the cheesecake, I excused myself and walked home (about 2.5 miles). I spent a nice 1.5 hours all alone at home...ahhhh.

I got to see my brother and his family on Friday (they live in Seattle, so I only see them a couple of times a year), which was lovely. Friday night we went to T's mom's family Christmas party, held early so all of the cousins could be there. I ate a few too many cookies out of boredom, but otherwise coped well with the giant bunch o'relatives. T's cousin P and family had just moved into the house where the party was held and WHOA! It was a 4300 square foot monstrosity. At least half of the rooms were totally empty and P mentioned several times to T that their mortgage was $2300 a month and they could barely pay their bills. We kind of wondered why on earth they bought it, but it seems they hope it will be a good investment. Apparently it sold for $400,000 a couple of years ago and they got it for just over $300,000. I am quite jealous of the size of their kitchen, but I'm not sure I'd want to be that house poor.

Saturday, I went shopping at 6am and loaded up with most of the gifts I needed. I really have only a few more things to buy. In the afternoon, we saw a local ballet (Night Before Christmas) with the kids. I was very sleepy; I'm pretty sure I dozed off during the snow and ice scene. Oh well, the girls loved it. Yesterday I worked and then a cousin of T's and family (who came from Virginia for the holiday) came over so the kids could play together. I had only one piece of pizza -- along with C's crust. I sure WANTED another piece -- it was chicken parmesan pizza and was really yummy -- but I refrained because I just wasn't hungry anymore.

One of Those Moments You Treasure

My little R is so funny sometimes. I called on Saturday night to say goodnight to everyone and she got on the phone, gushing "Mom! I had such a great day! We had so much fun! It was like one of those moments you just treasure with your family because everyone is laughing and having SUCH a good time!" The good time she was talking about was helping T rake leaves and then jumping on the trampoline with him. It doesn't take much to give a 10-year-old a "moment to treasure", does it? After I got home I commented, "I'm so tired", and R said, "Yeah -- I'd be tired too if I spent two days sitting around all day". I replied, "It wasn't the sitting -- it was the lack of sleep". She gave me a wry look and asked, "Haven't you ever heard of sarcasm, mom?"

My weekend was a lot of fun, in spite of two very sleepless nights spent listening to two very loud snorers. My dh's aunt and her friends came at the last minute and we laughed and laughed all weekend. I ate very consciously at meals, leaving behind a lot of food because it just wasn't that great. Saturday night I got hungry a few hours after dinner and ate entirely too much junk food, but not so much that I felt sick or felt as though I'd binged. I just grazed for a few hours on stuff I didn't really need. It was a definite improvement over last year.

There was one woman there who reminded me of the me I don't want to be ever again. She cruised by the snack table many times, commenting on the abundance of food but never taking anything, while guzzling diet Coke. She went for a run on Saturday and went out for walks several times during the weekend. In years past I went to bed early to avoid eating, got up early to walk several miles before breakfast, and took walks after every meal. I missed a lot of scrapbooking and socializing. You know, there's a time and a place for exercise -- this morning I hopped on the elliptical after walking the dog -- but I'm not sure a scrapbooking weekend is the time and place...at least it's not for me (anymore).

I was quite happy when I arrived home to find that T and the girls had raked leaves, cleaned the house, washed everyone's bed linen, and done laundry! At bowling I finished above my average and my last game was a 106. It was a good weekend all around.

Learning From the Past

It is time, once again, for my annual scrapbooking weekend. As you probably do not recall (but I unfortunately recall all too well), last year's weekend started off well but spiraled into feeling sick and crummy after trying to supplant sleep with food. This year will be different! I solemnly swear that I will:

• not overeat at meals
• not mindlessly munch on the copious offerings on the groaning table of snacks that is readily available 24 hours a day
• go to bed when I'm tired, even if it is only 9pm and I have only finished 3 pages since lunch
• take a nap on Saturday if I need to
• get up and go outside for a walk if I am restless and/or bored

I want this weekend to be FUN, as it used to be for me. I started going many years ago, and though it has always been somewhat stressful for me as far as food goes (because of the above-mentioned snacks, as well as not being in control of what was served us at mealtime), I almost always had a great time. Last year I felt rather miserable over my overeating and left right after breakfast on Sunday. This year I will relax, enjoy myself, and not leave until I HAVE to. I'll let you know on Monday how it went.

I Can't Skip

Most of the time I think I am pretty okay with how I healed after my bicycling accident. I try to feel fortunate that I didn't lose my leg or die of a massive infection in the hospital. I can walk, bike, climb steps (albeit with help from the railing most of the time), and I don't have a permanent limp. However, I think I had convinced myself that the doctor was wrong when he told me I should never, ever again run, hop, skip, jump, do aerobics, or even climb steep hills. I figured, you know, after a year or so I'd be able to do aerobics again if I really wanted to. Okay, I shouldn't, but I'd be ABLE to. I often came up with scenarios in my head...a child molester is trying to drag my child into a car, a psycho is stalking me in the dark when I'm walking the dog. my dd runs into the road in front of a bus....in those situations, SURELY I'd be able to run and save myself or my loved one. Well...no. Not so much. It's been 18 months since I stopped using a cane and I can't do any of it. They will find my body in the woods because I could only quickly walk away from the stalking psycho.

C and I were out walking the dog and the sunshine was gorgeous, the air was warm, and I was happy. It was the kind of day that makes you feel like skipping. I asked C, "Can you skip?" and she couldn't. She didn't quite know what skipping was and instead was galloping down the road. I said, "Like this" -- and skipped. And almost fell down when my knee buckled. Wow -- I thought it was a fluke and tried again. And almost fell on my face again. I feel so disappointed. I know in the grand scheme of things, it's idiotic for me to feel so devastated over this. I feel deeply mournful that I will never be quite whole again. I'm embarrassed about my feelings, but still sad. Of course, I immediately blamed myself...if I weighed 40 lbs less, maybe I could still skip.

Dealing With the Feelings

Here I am with my little cutie C on the day of her "friend" birthday party last month. She rarely smiles naturally in a photo -- either has the "deer in the headlights" look or has her mouth wide open.

Have you ever noticed that people give you more c0mpliments on your appearance when you're "skinny" as opposed to when you're "fat"? When R and I had our shopping trip last weekend, I bought some new pants, jeans, and tops. I felt a tad sad that I had to buy size 12 jeans and size XL in a couple of the tops. I haven't worn a size 12 since I was 18 years old. I didn't feel thrilled with the way anything looked on me, but I was satisfied with my purchases and went off to work on Tuesday and Wednesday in two of my new outfits, feeling pretty spiffy. Not one single coworker complimented me or even commented on my new duds. As I recall, when I was a size 6, pretty much everything I wore was cause for a compliment. Truly, I'm not exaggerating.

Last night my dh announced after dinner that he was going off to play basketball. I felt rather annoyed because we had just heard that R was going to have a friend stay overnight tonight and if he went to play basketball he wouldn't have time to do the dishes before said friend came over. I despise having the counters covered with dirty dishes. I don't even like small appliances on the counters to be honest. I'm a minimalist. After he left, C immediately had a breakdown and started crying about every little thing, which is incredibly nerve-wracking. I finally sent her up to get ready for bed and started doing the dishes, feeling crabby. All I could think about was eating some of the Chips Ahoy that were in the cupboard. I kept telling myself that I wasn't hungry, wasn't hungry, wasn't hungry. It wasn't working, wasn't working, wasn't working. I finished the dishes and stood in the center of the kitchen, feeling angry and frustrated. I was feeling angry and frustrated. Feeling. I didn't want cookies. I just wanted distraction from my feelings. I went upstairs and just dealt with it. I dealt with it by just feeling it. You know what? It passed. By the time I got into bed, I felt calm. Actually, I felt great because I hadn't eaten over my feelings. I'm gettin' there, size 12 or not.

Balance

This is our little Princess, lazing in the sun by the front door. She is actually R's dog, but thinks she's mine. Of course, I am the person who gets up at 5am to walk her, so perhaps she is justified in her thinking.

I had two "girly days" with my girls this past weekend. Friday C and I went to the mall to Libby Lu, which is the biggest rip-off since Chuck E Cheese. She had been asking for a "makeover" and LL was the closest thing I could find to a makeover for a five-year-old. Was I only imagining the disapproving looks from other moms as we trotted through the mall afterward? She had eyeshadow, colored lip gloss, and an "updo" complete with hairpiece. I felt like a traitor to feminists everywhere, which is silly since I loved to play dress up and use makeup when I was young -- heck, I still do. Here she is after the process was complete.

After the makeover we shopped for new clothes, rode the carousel, had ice cream, ate dinner, saw the Bee Movie (mediocre but not horrible), and played at the treehouse play area in the mall. As I put her to bed, exhausted (me, not her), she proclaimed the treehouse to be the best part. Of course. It was free.

On Saturday R and I had manicures, pedicures, shopped at the mall, had ice cream, and raced home so T and I could rush off to our monthly CORE meeting (CORE=Continuing Our Retrouvaille Experience). R adored having a pedicure (as did I, for that matter).

At CORE, we had a Tai Chi instructor explain what Tai Chi was and then lead us in a few moves. My ears really perked up when she said it strengthens your leg muscles without stress on your joints. She's starting a new series of classes in January and I could take the one on Wednesday mornings at 10am, since I work on Wednesdays from 11:45am-8:15pm. I'm kind of excited about the idea. Of course, that takes away my alone time on Wednesdays, but let's face it -- all I do is housework, pay bills, and take the dog for a second walk. Or eat.

I'd like to take yoga too, but I hesitate because I feel selfish, as though that's too much time spent on myself. Why? I used to belong to a women's organization that met monthly, another that met weekly, attended scrapbooking crops monthly, etc. and never felt guilty. That was when I had only one child though -- and before I knew that being alone with the children for an extended period of time makes my dh stressed (he's a great dad so I don't know why that is!). I'm determined to find a balance because in spite of my best intentions, I'm STILL not making enough time for myself these days. So Tai Chi is a definite and I'm seriously considering yoga.