Saturday, September 18, 2010

Judge Not

If only I'd remember that...judge not. I am a pretty judgmental person, which is something I really dislike about myself. At least I usually keep my opinions to myself. However, I have raved several times to my husband and SIL and other people about my MIL's eating habits. Perhaps I have even done so on this blog. I probably have. Anyway, she is diabetic, morbidly obese, and has congestive heart failure going on. Even so, she orders things like french toast when we go out to eat, and doesn't even try to stick to eating the way a diabetic should. I have always felt angry about it, because she is my kids' only grandmother and I'm afraid that she isn't going to live to see them grow up. I have groused about what I judge to be her irresponsibility in caring for her health. I have realized lately that I should have kept my big mouth shut. I now must open it to eat my words.

I set out this summer determined to control my cholesterol with my diet. I already exercised, but was convinced that if I ate a low fat, low sugar, vegan diet, I'd lose some weight and my cholesterol would magically drop to normal levels. I did okay on this eating regimen for a while, but since our vacation, I have completely thrown it out the window. I am still not eating much meat, but I have more than made up for it in sugary stuff like ice cream, chocolate, Pop Tarts, and cookies. I have even been eating things lately that I haven't eaten in years. I bought and ate 2 oz of ham spread last week. HAM SPREAD! I haven't eaten  ham spread since...well, since I was a kid maybe? I also ate a piece of bologna! Granted, it was bologna from our local butcher and made by them, but still. It was BOLOGNA! Disgusting. I confess it was delicious. But I digress. I have to go have my blood drawn for a cholesterol test next week and I am petrified that the results will be absolutely terrible. I'll have to go back on my medication, and feel like an utter and complete failure.

I realize that diets don't work. I was on a diet and hey, it didn't work. It was too restrictive. I loved the food I was eating, but I missed the things I wasn't. I thought I'd be able to put my health ahead of my love for ice cream, but apparently -- for me -- moose tracks beats all.

1 comment:

Martha said...

I loved this post as I have been working to quiet my critical voice - the one that judges myself and others. It is amazing how many times a day we can injure other and ourselves with our thoughts and words.

I am reading a great book at the moment that talks about the fact that we need to learn to eat and it isn't easy give all the competing issues that come into play - health, emotion, fear, tradition, culture, etc. It is important to remember that as living organisms it is natural to seek pleasure and avoid pain and that many of us turn to food to provide us with what it can not. Each day is a new opportunity to learn to eat in a way that nourishes us inside and out! The key is to be kind to yourself as you continue your journey of self discovery.