Saturday, May 05, 2007

The Chicken or the Egg?

Thank you for your suggestions about joining n*, but I am already a member there. I joined when it cost $20 a month and had a very bad experience there. Not with the women who post (in fact several of us deserted the site together to go elsewhere as a group) but with the owner. I don't want to go into details, but I don't think she is a very honest person.

So, the chicken or the egg? Does my mood lead to eating or my eating lead to mood? I had a great week until yesterday, and I also felt really upbeat. I didn't "feel skinny" necessarily, but I ate totally normally and was happy. Yesterday I made cookies for a potluck we have to attend today, and ate half a dozen or so while baking them. Then I felt bad, got grumpy, and my mood crashed into the basement. I was hungry for dinner, ate a totally normal amount, but after dinner my dh (who was totally exhausted after being called out for four hours in the middle of Thursday night to an accident scene) announced he was going to bed at 7pm I kind of fell apart.

Looking back, I know exactly where things went wrong:
-- I was already grumpy about having to attend a meeting on my day off, which seems to happen often this year.
--I had to make a dessert and chose cookies instead of something that can't really be eaten before the event. I chose cookies because I had the stuff for them, but should have bought different stuff and made something else. I already knew making cookies would get me into trouble with the way I was feeling, but I really wanted to use up the ingredients I had and I fooled myself into thinking I could deal with it.
--Since dh hadn't done the dishes the night before I cleaned up the kitchen before baking and felt put-upon about it.
--After attending the meeting, baking, doing dishes, doing laundry, buying dog food, and picking up the girls I had no time left for myself -- on my day off.

Anyway, I felt absolutely awful by the time I went to bed. Not physically -- I didn't binge to the point of feeling sick -- but emotionally. I wonder if it's the overeating that makes me feel that way (since I feel out of control) or the sugar (since I almost always binge on sugary desserty stuff). I guess I won't know for sure unless I binge on chicken breast someday. Yeah, right.

So, that is absolutely, positively the last time I spend my entire day off doing things I don't enjoy. The last. I don't care if the laundry is to the ceiling and the dishes are covering every counter. I'm not touching 'em!


Isabelle said...

Yup, know what you mean. Sometimes it feels as if no one remembers that you're a human being and a day off should actually have some time for you. Sigh.

Tree Lover said...

I have so been where you are. I received some advice from someone who was further along on the IE journey that really helped me. This person told me that she had legalized binges. Sounds crazy, but it's really not. Basically, what that means is that you take the self-judgment and guilt away from the binges. Work on being extra kind and loving toward yourself when you binge instead. When you feel the guilt creep up, focus on something that you did that you are proud of. I hope that helps. It really made all the difference for me. I wasn't able to get past the binges until I let go of the shame.

Sara said...

Hi There, thanks for dropping by my blog last week.
I love your last post for it's insight. I've found the hard way that saying 'yes' to everyone else and not paying attention to what I want is a sure way to overeating. It's like, I want to feel good, but there's no time to do anything enjoyable.. there's only one thing left... eating. I know that will work for .... oh, a minute!

Joc said...

I think I just had a light bulb moment brought on by your post - thank you!!

It wasnt until I started having no time to myself that I really started losing control of my eating habits, and when I have no time to myself is when I binge the worst. Thats not to say that is where my problem started, but it certainly helped accelerate it.

I often feel so resentful about having to do "everything" that the freezer or the pantry seems to hold the best answers. I have to work on making more time for me in my life, selfish as it might sound in black and white.