Monday, April 30, 2007

It should have been a fun weekend

There's no reason my weekend shouldn't have been delightful. It started out that way. Friday I got off work at noon (because I worked Sunday). I went home, had a mindful lunch, and my thoughts started to stray to the ice cream in the freezer. I wasn't hungry at all, but bingey thoughts began to invade. I sternly told myself that if I got hungry later, I could have ice cream. I also reminded myself that it is only when the thoughts are strong that I have the opportunity to change things. It's when the urge is strongest that the door is open for me to walk though into a different life. So I left the house and walked the dog. A longish walk, but not obsessively calorie-burning long.

When I returned, I unpacked two boxes. YEAH me! I was a little bit hungry when I finished so I ate ice cream. I had a smallish bowl, but still had thoughts of eating bunches more food. So I left the house, ran errands, got home, got ready to go out and left with dh for a date. We went out to eat at a posh steak house. I had half of a fabulous 8 oz steak, a roll, tossed salad, some french fried onion curls that came with my steak, and a tiny serving each of green beans and hash browns. I was REALLY full. I could have easily done with less, so I felt some guilt. I wasn't even tempted by dessert because I knew it would put me over the top and I'd feel sick if I ate it. We went to the symphony and I realized at intermission that I was really enjoying the concert without obsessing on what I ate or didn't eat. It was such a lovely evening.

Saturday started out rather badly. My dd didn't like her toast because it had raisins in it. I made her new toast and picked at hers until it was gone, even though I'd already eaten my breakfast and wasn't hungry. I was ravenous by the time I had lunch and ate a bit too much, feeling quite full. A couple of hours later while I was paying bills (always a dangerous time for me) I ate a lot of ice cream -- a lot. I felt like crap. It's funny -- I know that bill paying is a trigger for me, but I always sit at the dining room table to do it. It's like I am looking for an excuse to binge. I have to finish the bills tonight and I am going to take them elsewhere work on!

We went to mass, left our girls with my SIL for the night, and drove to the lakeshore to see the guy who was best man at our wedding and meet his new live-in love. We had a really good time, though I felt terribly self-conscious about my weight. He has had weight issues in the past, though he looks great now, and I'm sure he was noticing my weight gain. We had dinner and I ate tooo much. Only two pieces of mushroom pizza, but load of veggies. Okay, not so bad -- except that I then chowed down the strawberry shortcake dessert and a few handfuls of chips!

Sunday was another crummy day. I was fine until I got to work and felt soooo hungry by mid-afternoon and had nothing nutritious to eat. I snarfed down a bunch of crackers in the breakroom and soothed my hunger pangs. I had to go straight to bowling after work, and it was a potluck. I ate too much there, though it wasn't really any extraordinary amount or anything. I was even a bit hungry when we got home. T went right to bed, but I had some cereal and milk, topped off by a bowl of ice cream. Curse the inventor of ice cream.

I lay in bed feeling positively wretched. Not because I was overful, but because I had such a great Friday and couldn't hold onto the momentum. Instead I sabotaged myself. I work up more determined than ever to get off this hamster wheel. So in spite of waking up late because my alarm was too soft and allowing that to ruin my day, I am eating like a "normal" person today. I am going to conquer this.

2 comments:

~C~ said...

The weekends are the toughest for me too. For me, the "start over on Monday" starts to creep in like I have done so many times in the past and that seems to set me up even more. Hang in there, one bite at a time.

{{{HUGS}}}

Liquorice Torpedoes said...

Hi there,

I really found www.normaleating.com helpful when I was starting all of this because it has a structure. It also only cost a one off fee of $25. Perhaps it would be a cheaper option?

But be aware they don't like you talking about religion! (Don't know if that would put you off).

I don't use it as much now, but it was a great support to me.