I'm Still Here

Since confiding in my boss about my misery at work, I've felt SO much better about my job! I've actually begun to really enjoy work again, and have been having a lot of fun with my customers. The situation with my coworker hasn't really improved, but I have a lot of projects to complete right now, which keeps my mind off it. Oddly, though I've been much happier at work, I've been struggling with a vague sense of anxious unease. I haven't really taken the time to figure out why (which may be part of the problem -- crazy life), but I've really been fighting the urge to eat sweets after dinner again. It's been terrible on a daily basis. The other day I came very close to bingeing for the first time in at least nine months. I really need to sit by myself and just think for a while to try and ponder what it's all about. Fighting my urges is wearing me out.

My weight training at the Y is going very well. I've already increased the weight I'm lifting on most of the exercises. Our family has been going faithfully twice a week for the most part. It helps that C has swimming lessons on Saturday mornings now, which she LOVES. I've increased my workouts at home on the elliptical and stationary bike to 60 minutes, but I'm still resting 1-3 days a week. One week I worked out 6 times and thought, "WHOA chick -- you are starting the obsession again!" So I took two days off just to get out of that cycle.

Time to go do PJ Storytime! I'm very behind in my blog-reading, but hope to catch up this weekend with what all of you are doing.

Feeling Good Again

I'm feeling much more normal now, thank heavens. I weighed myself for the first time in about 6 weeks and was surprised to see that I'd lost a little more, weighing 156. I had prepared myself for a gain, considering the cookies and candy I'd eaten during the holiday season. I suppose the extra exercise I did helped offset the extra calories.

I saw my therapist this week for the first time in 8 weeks, and discussed my discomfort with people's comments on my weight loss. We discussed an inner script I could use when it happens, and she said that I might think about making a comment on being the same person inside if it seems appropriate at the time. I'm glad we had the talk because one of my storytime moms said, "You look so skinny!" when she saw me Thursday. I didn't feel much of anything, which is an improvement for sure.

The therapist and I also spent a long time talking about my job. Before my vacation in December, I'd really been thinking that I was really unhappy at work and felt really depressed that I was kind of stuck there for 20 more years. I wasn't sleeping well, wasn't doing much while at work, and actually hoped to get sick so I could stay home. During my vacation, I dropped off to sleep immediately almost every night and felt so relaxed. As soon as I started back at work, I started tossing and turning again and felt tense and unhappy at work. It dawned on me last week that my feelings were centered around one of my coworkers. She is supposed to be my "right hand woman", but shows no initiative whatsoever. If I suggest something, she doesn't do it. She is not a team player, and other coworkers complain about that to me often. She will do whatever I ask her to do, but doesn't do anything on her own. It's as though I'm her mother. She has also had complaints about her programs, so I have scheduled her to do as few as possible, taking on the majority myself. As a result I am burning out! I am not her boss though, so I really have no authority to do anything. I finally shared my feelings with my boss, who was very supportive and upset that it had gotten so bad for me. This particular woman's evaluation is coming soon, so my boss promised to address the issues then. On one hand, I feel great relief that it's all out in the open, but on the other hand, I'm worried that my coworker will blame me and think I have it out for her. As a person she's a very nice girl, but I just don't think she's cut out for this job.

I had my last session with the personal trainer -- boo hoo. I really enjoyed working with her and she has given me the confidence I needed to weight train on my own now. I was so afraid I would hurt my leg, but she has shown me that I really can use pretty heavy weights without injuring myself. I'm now excited to work on getting stronger!

Still a Struggle

I have been struggling a bit since New Year's Eve. After the hustle and bustle of Christmas was over, I felt a bit let down and at loose ends, and a couple of comments people have made to me about losing weight really got to me. I realize people mean well when they ask or comment, but I find it a major trigger. I try to shrug it off, but immediately feel nervous if I skip a day of exercise or judge that I've overeaten anything. I start to obsess about whether I may have gained weight or not, as well as how much weight I might lose by such-and-such date. It nearly sent me over the edge several times over the past week or so. I found myself walking into and out of the kitchen with that restless feeling, planning to skip my snack, exercising on my usual days off, and indulging in other old unhealthy behaviors. I came close to bingeing a few times, but managed to remind myself that I am NO LONGER THAT PERSON and that I'd feel horrible if I gave in to the urge. I did overeat purposely at dinner on New Year's Eve, as well as eating after dinner at the party we attended. I wouldn't call it a binge, but I was definitely uncomfortable (since I was still full from dinner!). For several days, I ate past satisfied at several meals, and then felt unhappy and panicky. I think I somehow want to regain the weight to prove to the people who made comments that I am still the same person and I'm not somehow better just because I'm thinner.

I finally calmed down enough a few days ago to explore what was going on with me, and decided that I am not going to allow myself to regress and have to start over again. I am not eating better or losing weight to please others. I've been concentrating on eating mindfully and stopping before I feel too full, even if it means leaving food on the plate. I do have difficulty throwing food away, but have wrapped it up for later several times, and had it for a snack when I got hungry -- or pitched it if it was yucky. I had a bunch of desserts left over from a family party last weekend, and debated about tossing them. I didn't until today because I don't want to be controlled by food. Today I finally got rid of one of them because the crust was all soggy and it was several days old. I probably still would have eaten it, to be honest, but it was no longer fabulously tasty so I ditched it. I have PLENTY of wonderful chocolate left from Christmas anyway.