Trying to Make Too Many Changes

Lately, my attempts at intuitive eating have been spotty at best. I think I'm trying to do too many things at once -- eat slowly, eat when hungry, eat without distractions, eat small portions, stop when 80% full.... As a result, I'm not doing anything consistently or well. I've also had diety thoughts and the temptation to overexercise creeping in.

I'm going to start one that is very difficult for me -- eating without distractions -- and do it every meal (well, probably not dinner since there are three other people at the table) for a week. If I am doing it well by then, I'll add in something else. This morning I was eating breakfast and wow, it was so difficult to just eat. I kept reaching for the mail, the paper, a magazine...it was ridiculously hard to just concentrate on what I was eating! This will be quite a challenge for me.

I've been weaning myself from the Welbutr*n I've used for my SAD, which is making me really tired a lot of the time. I guess it was giving me a lot of pep. I've been getting sleepy in the afternoons and yesterday I went to bed before 9pm, after taking a 15-minute nap in the afternoon. I am not a napper, so this afternoon sleepiness is very odd for me.

I am taking C to a birthday party at the mall and will have a couple of hours to myself there. I had decided I would look for some pants because I don't have too many pair that aren't too loose now. The very thought of clothes shopping has sent me into a mental tizzy and I have just wanted to eat and overeat all week long. Ay-yi-yi. At least after tonight it will be over. I'll either have bought some pants or not. The truth is that I am afraid that the next smaller size won't fit me and it will trigger something. I am aware of this, though, so I am prepared to not allow it to happen. I have a choice. Every time I choose not to allow dumb things like this affect my behavior, I am stronger and more healed.

149!

No, not my weight -- haven't weighed myself lately. My bowling score last Sunday! I don't know how I managed it, but I bowled over my (pitiful 85) average all three games. The weather here was gorgeous on Sunday and I went for a bike ride with R -- 12.5 miles. I couldn't believe she lasted that long. It's very fun to see how proud and capable it makes her feel.

I decided to try and make a sacrifice for Lent. I often try, but I'm not sure I've ever actually made it. I knew I'd never make it 6 weeks if I tried to give up sweets, so I gave them up Mon-Thurs. It hasn't been has difficult as I thought it would be. I've had a few moments of self pity (when a coworker who makes fabulous pies brought one in to work for us, when another coworker brought in brownies...) but I haven't felt particularly deprived. Maybe that's only because I know I can eat something on the weekends, but I haven't gone wild with desserts on those three days. In fact, I think I'm becoming more discerning in my dessert choices. We went out to eat last Saturday night and I was tempted by the cheesecake. However, when I asked if it was made there at the restaurant and the waitress said no, I turned down dessert all together.

The funny thing is that on weekdays, I'm kind of amazed at how satisfying a "dessert" of yogurt and granola or a whole grain waffle with almond butter on it can be. On nights when I'm not hungry between dinner and bed, I don't have to eat anything because if I don't eat dessert, there's no reason to eat when I'm not hungry! Now, if only I can carry that over AFTER Easter.

Isabelle tagged me to write about what makes me happy, so I will contemplate that and get back to y'all.

Sore in a Good Way

No news on the x-ray of my shoulder. The lump hasn't changed at all and I'm wondering if it's from repetitive motion, like the ganglion cyst I got on my wrist once. I see the dr for my yearly physical next month, so I may be lazy and not call to see what the x-ray said.

Last Friday was GORGEOUS and I spent some time trimming bushes and raking out old perennial foliage. I did all of the trimming by hand and holy cow -- my forearms, wrists, and arm muscles are still sore! I got out my bike and rode with R, but only for 15 minutes. She didn't want to do more. It sure felt good to get on it though.

I took my first spin class on Sunday. I liked it, though it was difficult to know how much tension to put on. I kept having to adjust it up and down. I suppose after a while you get to know where to put it. It would help if the dial had some sort of numbers on it. I really should have worn my bicycle shorts because my bum and my --ahem-- female parts still hurt today. I may take a spin class once a week or so until I can ride my bike outside more regularly. I was drenched afterward.

I just bought the book Mindful Eating by Jan Chozen Bays. So far it's good and again I have been reminded of the importance of slowing down when I eat. Lately I have had quite a few dinners that ended with me feeling overfull because I ate too quickly. There was once last week when I was the last to finish -- amazing. I've been trying to concentrate on taking smaller bites, chewing more slowly, and resting more between bites. I haven't listened to any of the CD that came with the book yet, so that's my next step.

Choosing Health

My doctor sent me for an x-ray to make sure the lump on my shoulder isn't a tumor -- no news yet. My therapist is quite proud of me and I'm not seeing her again for almost two months. I told her that the one thing I'm still really struggling with is anxiety triggered by people's "you've lost weight!" remarks, or putting on a pair of pants and suddenly noticing that they're kind of baggy. Every time something like that happens, I promptly spend two or three days overeating at meals and eating when I'm not hungry. I think it's a kind of fear because almost every time my weight has been lower than it is now, it has meant starvation followed by binges, overexercise, or both. I'm nervous that getting smaller will flip that switch inside me -- the seductive one that says, "You know, if you skip that snack/dessert/french fry, you can get back to a size six. You really shouldn't eat that unless you want to gain weight. You had better get in some more exercise today because you ate that piece of cake at work. So what if you're hungry? You can hold off a few more hours...." I should give that voice a name -- perhaps something sexy and seductive like Candy. Then I can talk back to her.

Barb said that I just need to keep reminding myself that I am much stronger than I was a few years ago, or even a year ago. I am much better equipped to deal with that sort of temptation and much better at banishing those types of thoughts. Yes, she is right. I have the freedom to choose to be healthy and that is the choice I'm making.

I'm considering volunteering to be the secretary for the P.T.A. I know that sounds crazy, but T and I are going to give up being on the board in our Retrouvaille group. We're just kind of burned out. We'll still go to the monthly support meetings, but just want to be regular members for a while. I talked with the treasurer this past weekend and she assured me that it really isn't that much work. Ha -- that's what they all say to sucker you in. I'm going to go to the meeting next week to check it out.