I Am Not the Next Michelle Wie... and a Terrible Relapse

I kind of enjoyed golfing. On Sunday, we finally used the free night and 18 holes of golf I won last winter at the golf show. The weather couldn't have been more perfect, and I made it 14 holes before I was too footsore to go on...not to mention the blister I was getting. I looked very cool in my snazzy red golf shoes and new golf glove, so that's something.

Because I am a total beginner, I walked and swung A LOT. My score on the front nine was 90. It would have been higher had T not let me take my ball out of a sand trap and carry it over a brook. I did sink one 40-foot putt on a hole that was a par 3 (I got a 4!). That didn't really make up for the 12-stroke holes, but T was a patient companion and it wasn't nearly as torturous as bowling. I'm going to try and take some lessons through community ed next spring.

I was feeling more anxiety and resentment than I thought about T leaving for a week to attend a cousin's wedding out of state. I ate too much at dinner on Sunday night, in spite of the fact that the food wasn't really very good. Then I had a major, major relapse on Monday. For the first time in a really, really long time I actually went out to get food to binge on -- twice in the same day. I walked the dog a mile or so down the road in the afternoon and had an ice cream cone (only a single but I wasn't at all hungry since I'd just eaten several single serving bags of cookies and chips at home). Later in the evening when I took R to cheerleading, I drove over to a store and bought another single cone and ate that! I was so angry and upset with myself because I KNEW exactly what I was doing and why I was doing it, yet I still did it. I kept telling myself to stop -- that I could stop -- that I needed to stop -- but I didn't stop until the second ice cream. By that time I felt kinda yucky.

Boy, did I pay for my behavior on Tuesday. I woke up at 3am with a splitting headache. I got the girls off to school and started for work, but turned around and went home because I felt nauseated and was having ....er, digestive issues. My bathroom and I spent a lot of quality time together Tuesday morning, and I crawled back into bed until 11:15. I slept terribly Tuesday night and the headache lasted until Wednesday evening. This episode made me realize why programs like OA work. My behavior is similar to that of an alcoholic. I knew the food had made me sick, and on Tuesday I thought "Yep -- the memory of this is going to be enough that I will never do this again!" yet I still binged again on Wednesday night. I stopped very soon after starting (because I didn't want to repeat Tuesday again!) but the very fact that I started at all amazes me. Sometimes I despair that I will live this cycle over and over again for the rest of my life.