Friday, September 21, 2007

I Am Not the Next Michelle Wie... and a Terrible Relapse

I kind of enjoyed golfing. On Sunday, we finally used the free night and 18 holes of golf I won last winter at the golf show. The weather couldn't have been more perfect, and I made it 14 holes before I was too footsore to go on...not to mention the blister I was getting. I looked very cool in my snazzy red golf shoes and new golf glove, so that's something.

Because I am a total beginner, I walked and swung A LOT. My score on the front nine was 90. It would have been higher had T not let me take my ball out of a sand trap and carry it over a brook. I did sink one 40-foot putt on a hole that was a par 3 (I got a 4!). That didn't really make up for the 12-stroke holes, but T was a patient companion and it wasn't nearly as torturous as bowling. I'm going to try and take some lessons through community ed next spring.

I was feeling more anxiety and resentment than I thought about T leaving for a week to attend a cousin's wedding out of state. I ate too much at dinner on Sunday night, in spite of the fact that the food wasn't really very good. Then I had a major, major relapse on Monday. For the first time in a really, really long time I actually went out to get food to binge on -- twice in the same day. I walked the dog a mile or so down the road in the afternoon and had an ice cream cone (only a single but I wasn't at all hungry since I'd just eaten several single serving bags of cookies and chips at home). Later in the evening when I took R to cheerleading, I drove over to a store and bought another single cone and ate that! I was so angry and upset with myself because I KNEW exactly what I was doing and why I was doing it, yet I still did it. I kept telling myself to stop -- that I could stop -- that I needed to stop -- but I didn't stop until the second ice cream. By that time I felt kinda yucky.

Boy, did I pay for my behavior on Tuesday. I woke up at 3am with a splitting headache. I got the girls off to school and started for work, but turned around and went home because I felt nauseated and was having, digestive issues. My bathroom and I spent a lot of quality time together Tuesday morning, and I crawled back into bed until 11:15. I slept terribly Tuesday night and the headache lasted until Wednesday evening. This episode made me realize why programs like OA work. My behavior is similar to that of an alcoholic. I knew the food had made me sick, and on Tuesday I thought "Yep -- the memory of this is going to be enough that I will never do this again!" yet I still binged again on Wednesday night. I stopped very soon after starting (because I didn't want to repeat Tuesday again!) but the very fact that I started at all amazes me. Sometimes I despair that I will live this cycle over and over again for the rest of my life.


Joc said...

It must be relapse week, as I have had a shocker too. But there is only one thing to do, and that is pick yourself up (myself too) and just move forward.

And things could be worse, at least you have very hot golf shoes!! I am really looking forward to the day I have enough time to start playing golf, and when I do I wants me some of them red shoes lol - totally special :-)

Cyn said...

{{{hugs}}} Today is a new day. Hope the week goes by quickly for you.