We had a shower at work today for a coworker who is getting married this month. Sometimes I swear my life revolves around food events. Anyway, I knew that the menu was chicken salad and croissants -- neither of which I am wild about and both of which are really high in calories and fat. I was sort of fretting about it, wondering if I should bring my own lunch. I waffled -- was that too weird? Too "diety"? I finally packed my salad and Lean Cuisine Panini and took it to work, still undecided. At lunchtime I compromised and ate my salad, but had about 1/3 of a croissant and a small bit of chicken salad too. I had a small piece of cake and a couple of bites of the fruit salad and bread and that was it. I wanted more, but only because I wanted more -- not because I was still hungry. So I didn't have more. I just sat with the wanting and felt it, and didn't do anything about it. I felt so peaceful all afternoon.
After dinner, I had some of the dessert my daughter made yesterday and then felt guilty because I'd already eaten cake today. I had lots of "mmmm...Easter candy in the cupboard..." thoughts, but sternly told myself that I was making the choice to be a normal eater. Normal eaters can have candy anytime they want -- it isn't anything special. I took the dog for a walk instead of opening the cupboard. By the time I ambled back, I was calm and felt okay.
I wrote my assignment for the therapist today -- a poem on the theme "not good enough". It just kind of flowed out of my pen, though tis true that I've been pondering it for a week. It brought up some things I'd almost forgotten about or hadn't thought about in years. I don't think I'll post it here. Maybe after I show it to her.
Do I Have Postpartum Depression?
4 days ago