Back to School

We had two back-to-school open houses yesterday. C's kindergarten open house was at 1pm -- very low key. The teacher said hello and C ran off to play. I chatted with a few moms and that was it. R's 5th grade open house was much more involved. Our school system starts middle school with 5th grade, so we went to meet the two main teachers she'll have and hear all about the curriculum, rules, etc. She eats lunch at 10:40am!

I know it's goofy, but I love going to orientations! I love seeing the classrooms all decorated for fall; talking to all of my daughter's friends; feeling the excitement in the halls from kids, parents, and teachers; signing up for all of the volunteer opportunities, and hearing all about all of the great stuff the kids will be doing over the course of the year. My dh, OTOH, was ready to go home as soon as we got there. Spoilsport.

I have felt so much better about my dh since I told him how I'd been feeling. It's very hard for him to provide me with the kind of openess I need. Cops just hold everything "close to the vest" and are used to having to wear a neutral mask for the public. Sometimes they forget to take it off at home. Another part of my discontent has to do with my job. I've been trying to put more energy and enthusiasm into it, but I just keep wishing I were doing something else. I suppose my situation isn't going to change anytime soon, so I'd best make up my mind to make the best of it and get on with life.

I've been trying to prepare for starting the South Beach Diet by making sure I don't eat much fruit or bread/pasta/rice. That's not so hard, but doing without the sugar sure is! There are many times that I reach for something and think, "Hmmm..I won't be able to eat this on South Beach." Of course, it's usually something that isn't healthy for me anyway! I'm going to start SB on Saturday, but I'm going to monitor my feelings and reactions very carefully. If I start to feel "bingey", that's it -- my diet experiment is DONE. I've gone too long without bingeing to start that up again now.

Here We Go Again...in More Ways Than One

Since the last time I saw my therapist (3.5 weeks ago or so) and rambled on to her about how well things were going, my eating has been very up and down. No binges, but days of peaceful eating followed by days of overeating. I realized that I needed to figure out what was eating me if I wanted that peace to last longer than two days, and spent some time pondering what I was avoiding with ice cream and pop tarts. I came to the conclusion that my marriage was troubling me. Our summer has been so busy that we've seriously neglected "us" and haven't even had more than one or two dates by ourselves. As a result, our emotional connection has withered. On our dinner date I struggled with conversation that didn't include the children or friends and their doings. I'm descending to that dark place in which I minutely examine T's every look and action for signs of unhappiness with me -- and everything he does annoys and irritates me. The other day I was actually thinking that I'd be relieved if we got divorced and I was daydreaming about moving into a condo with the girls. That's when I knew I really needed to talk to him about my feelings.

So I bit the bullet last night -- only because he asked me what was wrong and said that it looked like something was bothering me when I attempted to demur. I told him of my thoughts and he didn't argue. We agreed to start doing our dialogue questions again (a Retrouvaille technique), and to schedule some dates together. I bought some tickets to upcoming symphony concerts (the Magical Music of Walt Disney, 3 Men and a Tenor, The Music of the Eagles, and Pops Goes Vegas), and we chose some other dates to have breakfast together, go out to dinner for our anniversary, and have an afternoon date on a Sunday. Our bowling league starts September 14 (drat!) and will be from 3:30-6:30pm this year, so I suggested that we might have dinner together after bowling on some Sundays. Sometimes I wonder if marriage is this difficult for everyone or if we're just not really meant for each other. I love him and would be devastated if anything happened to him, but we're really very different. Well, I'll soldier on and see if I can get over this blah period.

So....I've been considering going on the South Beach Diet. I know, I know...you're thinking that I'm kidding myself. The only diet I've ever stayed on for longer than 3 days was Weight Watchers -- and I think I lasted 7 days on that before I went over my allotted number of points. However, my main problem with all of the diets I've ever tried is HUNGER. I am always ravenous and finally give in and end up face first in a bag of potato chips. I read the old SB book, the new SB book, and did a LOT of reading online about SB. I haven't found a single person who said she was hungry while on SB, and all said they lost weight, lowered their cholesterol, and had all sorts of fantastic results on SB. As a result of trying to lower my triglycerides, I already only eat 1-2 servings of fruit a day and 1-2 servings of bread/cereal/rice/pasta anyway. The biggest stumbling block for me is the "no sugar" rule. I am not about to go back to eating artificial sweetener after giving it up last fall. I may try subbing agave nectar once I finish the first two weeks of the diet -- at least it's natural. It's low on the glycemic index too. I don't want to end up bingeing because I feel deprived in some way -- it's been months since I had a binge. The jury is still out, but I am seriously thinking of trying it. Let me know if you have any thoughts about it or experience with it.

Facing My Fear

Even though I've been back on my bike quite a bit this summer, I've been hesitant to recreate the route I took when I crashed three years ago. I just felt a weird superstitious notion that if I took the same path, I'd crash again or something else awful would happen. I set out on a ride this morning and it was gorgeous. As I neared the 10-mile mark, I thought, "Hey, if you ride just 5 miles farther, you'll reach the point you got to the day you crashed..." I decided to go for it, though I started feeling regrets around mile 12. The wind was strong and I was barely riding 8 m.p.h. I kept going and went 15.5 miles before turning around. On the way back, I felt a little thrill when I passed the fateful crash point, but I felt more of a sense of triumph than anything else. I arrive home, having ridden 31 total miles, and feeling great. My knees don't feel so great, but I am really glad I faced my fear and pushed past it.

Here are some pictures from my 44th birthday celebrations. I had a pleasant, though unremarkable birthday. T took me to dinner and a movie the night before "the day", and he had flowers waiting for me at the table when we arrived at the restaurant. That was a very nice surprise -- he really is quite a romantic at heart. We saw "Batman" after dinner, which was as good as the hype said it would be. I was disturbed to see pre-teen kids there, including some very young kids. It is NOT a movie for kids -- maybe not even for teens.

On my birthday, I went on my annual lunch at Arnie's. I usually go with my MIL, SIL, and aunt-in-law. This year my MIL's neighbor and two aunt-in-laws from the other side of the family joined us. It was fun, though I felt a bit geeky getting excited about having lunch with five "older" ladies! That evening we had dinner at a local Indian restaurant with my dad. Yum!

Busy!

At the 83rd Annual family golf tournament, R, T, and I all won golf balls. R had the highest girls' score (which, if you're unfamiliar with golf, isn't really a GOOD thing but she was happy just to win something), T had the lowest putts, and I had the highest putts. I shot an 81, which is pretty awful, but it could have been a 90, so it wasn't the worst score possible. We had fun, though my five-year-old only made it 6 holes before getting tired of the whole thing.

We had a local petting zoo come to the library last week, so I got my picture taken with the ball python they brought. I'm not really scared of snakes unless they surprise me in the yard.

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Last night T and I went with four friends to see the ABBA tribute band Waterloo in a concert. Our seats were quite far from the stage, but we still had a good time. Today I'm taking the girls to see stage show of "High School Musical", and then T and I have a wedding reception to attend. I can't believe we're old enough to have friends' children getting married, but this girl is the first! I was supposed to pick my dad up at the airport, but he and my aunt missed their flight from London.

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I've been pushing myself a bit more with the exercise and I definitely feel more of a high when I'm done. As for my eating, it has been quite normal over the past week. I've been tracking my food again and it isn't making me psycho. We've had ice cream in the freezer since our card party and I've only eaten a couple of bowls of it. I haven't had a binge in several months now, and my compulsive eating has been fairly absent since my visit to the therapist. Talking to her and admitting that I really wanted my restricting behavior to kick in again really seemed to help me feel a lot more peace about food and eating.