Still a Struggle

I have been struggling a bit since New Year's Eve. After the hustle and bustle of Christmas was over, I felt a bit let down and at loose ends, and a couple of comments people have made to me about losing weight really got to me. I realize people mean well when they ask or comment, but I find it a major trigger. I try to shrug it off, but immediately feel nervous if I skip a day of exercise or judge that I've overeaten anything. I start to obsess about whether I may have gained weight or not, as well as how much weight I might lose by such-and-such date. It nearly sent me over the edge several times over the past week or so. I found myself walking into and out of the kitchen with that restless feeling, planning to skip my snack, exercising on my usual days off, and indulging in other old unhealthy behaviors. I came close to bingeing a few times, but managed to remind myself that I am NO LONGER THAT PERSON and that I'd feel horrible if I gave in to the urge. I did overeat purposely at dinner on New Year's Eve, as well as eating after dinner at the party we attended. I wouldn't call it a binge, but I was definitely uncomfortable (since I was still full from dinner!). For several days, I ate past satisfied at several meals, and then felt unhappy and panicky. I think I somehow want to regain the weight to prove to the people who made comments that I am still the same person and I'm not somehow better just because I'm thinner.

I finally calmed down enough a few days ago to explore what was going on with me, and decided that I am not going to allow myself to regress and have to start over again. I am not eating better or losing weight to please others. I've been concentrating on eating mindfully and stopping before I feel too full, even if it means leaving food on the plate. I do have difficulty throwing food away, but have wrapped it up for later several times, and had it for a snack when I got hungry -- or pitched it if it was yucky. I had a bunch of desserts left over from a family party last weekend, and debated about tossing them. I didn't until today because I don't want to be controlled by food. Today I finally got rid of one of them because the crust was all soggy and it was several days old. I probably still would have eaten it, to be honest, but it was no longer fabulously tasty so I ditched it. I have PLENTY of wonderful chocolate left from Christmas anyway.