Monday, February 12, 2007

It's 10:45am and I'm not hungry!

You have no idea how odd that is. As I've whinged about previously, no matter what I eat for breakfast, I'm starving by 9am. My 9-year-old dd wanted some gigantic cinnamon-raisin bagels this week and I bought them, cringing at the 290-calorie count of each. They did have 10 grams of protein each, so I figured they weren't all bad. I ate one this morning with some peanut butter (sassing the diet police the entire time). Oh man, was it good! I hadn't had a bagel in months. So with the pb and the cream in my coffee, I probably ate a 500-calorie breakfast. I usually eat a 300-350 calorie breakfast and then find myself needing a 200-calorie snack at 10am. So, I ate a bagel (which I thoroughly enjoyed) and use the same amount of calories. Woo hoo...though I do still have 2 hours until lunch.

Anyway, I've had an odd couple of weeks. I had a bad binge and felt that old desperate feeling that I will never be normal around food. I swear -- for years I've waffled back and forth about whether I can truly live in our food-laden world without weighing 170 lbs or whether I have to restrict and go hungry to lose weight. I guess I still don't know the answer, but I'm tired of the whole damn thing. I feel like a failure for being overweight, yet I know that my friends and family love me whether I'm a size 10 or a size 6. I just wish I could love me as a size 10.

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