The tune changes, but the song stays the same

Yesterday was a success! For lunch I chose a smallish sub, some tortilla chips and guacamole & salsa, a piece of cake and a sliver of cheesecake. I had a small dinner, took R to her roller skating party and then out for a "kiddy cone" and went to bed happy about my food choices.

Then there was today. I went out to breakfast with my buddies, didn't order the french toast that sounded soooo good (choosing instead the veggie omelette made with Egg Beaters and only one piece of toast). I then ate my entire omelette, got very full, came home and walked the dog, made peanut butter cookies, ate 6 of them, added a piece of cake, some Cocoa Pebbles & milk, and some potato chips & dip to the damage, and feel miserable even now (three hours later).

This is the deal. I want to eat healthy foods, so I always eat lots of fruit, vegetables, lowfat protein sources, whole grains, etc. Then I end up bingeing on crappy carbs and sugar. I know, I know, I should concentrate on eating "whatever I want" FIRST and THEN worry about nutrition. I have TRIED. I'm just having difficulty DOING it. ARGH. I'm off to walk over to school and pick R up. Hopefully I won't still be stuffed by dinnertime, since we're meeting some relatives at the church fish dinner.

I came across this You Tube video on someone else's blog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA
Oh, how I wish I had her attitude!

I'm rehearsing

We have a staff potluck today -- always dangerous for mindful eating. I'm rehearsing:
--I will only eat food I really like
--I will not eat mediocre food, like the store-bought cheesecake and potato salad two coworkers brought
--I will take small portions, eat slowly and mindfully and not overeat

I'm soooo hungry already and I still have an hour until lunch. I had a small helping of the Quinoa Salad I brought, in hopes that it would tide me over, but that was an hour ago. I suppose as a true intuitive eater I should eat something now, but I don't want to eat a snack bar when I know there is yummy guacamole, fruit salad, and sub sandwiches waiting for me in 57 minutes (not that I'm counting).

Being too full is such a trigger for me -- not being stuffed, just really full. I know this, yet I still find myself overeating healthy foods at meals. Last night I realized that my salad was rather large and, sure enough, after eating it all, I was really full. That's when I gave in to the half a brownie, 100-calorie pack of hostess cupcakes (which I had stuck in the lunchroom because I didn't even LIKE them), and the handful of goldfish crackers! So my goal for the next week to to eat slowly and mindfully enough that I do not eat until I'm overfull. I did it last night when I got home (hungry, natch) and made one slice of whole wheat bread generously spread with peanut butter and a handful of Combos. I ate it very slowly and really enjoyed the creaminess of the peanut butter and didn't really enjoy the fake taste of the Combos. Then I felt somewhat guilty (natch) and grabbed a second handful of Combos. Then I told myself not to be an idiot and went upstairs to bed.

Might as well have a brownie too...

....the little voice whispered. I've avoided several binge triggers over the past few days, which makes my heart sing with happiness...or at least satisfaction. On Monday I had two Pop Tarts that had been in my locker for several days. Unfortunately, by the time I realized I was quite hungry it was almost time for me to be out at the public desk so I couldn't exactly enjoy them mindfully. I then spent the rest of the day and evening fighting the desire to say "what the heck" and eat everything in sight. I refrained and kept telling myself that two Pop Tarts does not a failure make, even eaten very quickly standing up.

Wednesdays are always a challenge for me and I almost always cave in. It's a bit of an odd day because I'm home for a few hours alone in the morning, go in to work at 11:30am (so lunch is always iffy), and then work til 8:15pm. Dinner is usually at 4:30 or 5pm, so I'm almost always very hungry by the time I get home from work. I end up eating, feeling bad because I had already eaten my "quota" for the day, and eat some more. This morning I stayed busy at home and didn't eat until I got to work. Then a coworker brought in a cake roll from a local place that usually has yummy baked goods. I tried to cut myself a smallish piece to eat with lunch, but it came out rather largish. As I started eating it, I realized that it wasn't really that great. I ate it anyway, and then so, so, so wanted to go get a brownie from the plate that another coworker had brought in for her birthday treat. However, I was quite full and I can have brownies whenever I want. I know for a fact this coworker uses mixes anyway, so a brownies would not be worth the guilt trip. So far, so good....

On the Weigh Down, Month 3 1/2

I weighed myself this morning because my dh woke early and was out of the bathroom and downstairs by 5am when I got up.

Weight: 164.2

Whoa -- I'm kind of shocked I lost 3.8 pounds! I know I said I'd write next time about what Linda Craighead says in the Appetite Awareness Workbook about bingeing, but I don't have the book in front of me. One thing she talks about though is getting over "what the heck" thinking. You know -- I already ate five cookies so I might as well eat the rest of the package. I've really been working on that because WTH thinking is a HUGE problem for me. She pointed out that calories are really cumulative. Any time you stop a binge sooner than you would have previously is a benefit to you. There really is no "starting over" tomorrow because it is magical thinking to believe that you will eat less tomorrow to make up for today. To make up for some binges you'd have to eat less for a week -- i.e. go on a diet.

So, though I've had some days when I had a small binge over the past six weeks, I remember what she's said and stopped far sooner than I would have a few months ago. There have been many days when I've actually been able to not binge even after overeating something "bad". I just keep picturing that continuum of calories. Not that I'm depriving myself. I can honestly say that there hasn't been a single day when I've purposely gone hungry to try and lose weight. I've been trying to make healthy food choices, but when I'm hungry I try to eat. Starving never gets me anywhere except standing in front of the fridge, cruising it for goodies.

I gave up Diet Coke (all soda, actually) for Lent, so it's been three weeks since I've had one. Well, actually I broke down and had one Saturday -- and then promptly developed a tremendous headache. That'll teach me.

Let it STOP snowing! & an ode to hot cereal

I swear I will never, ever complain about being hot again! We got a few more inches of snow last night and it was 4 degrees yesterday morning when I left for work. Ay-yi-yi! Saturday the roads were terribly icy and I took a spill while walking the dog, crunching my finger horribly. It looked like a big purple sausage by the time I got to work. I didn't care because I didn't hurt my leg. Re-injuring my leg is one of my biggest fears. I got such a rush of adrenaline when I fell that by the time I made it the final two blocks home I was shaking uncontrollably and felt positively nauseated. I had to eat some oatmeal before I could exercise.

Which reminds me...I never really cared for hot cereal much. I always loved cold cereal and ate nothing but Fiber One or Extra Fiber All Bran for years. Then I switched to eating dinner-type foods for breakfast but as I've whined about previously NOTHING keeps me satisfied til lunch. So when I saw some hot Oat Bran cereal, I thought I'd try it.

OMG -- I LOVE it. Then I tried Quaker Multigrain Hot Cereal, Bob's Red Mill 5-grain Hot Cereal, and some others. YUM! I only need 1-2 tsp of brown sugar to sweeten them enough for me, and have found that I love cooking some raspberries, blueberries, or bananas in with the cereal. I do like my hot cereal less dry than the directions call for, so I usually end up doubling the liquid they recommend. I use about 1/4 cup milk and the rest water. I don't know why I'm babbling on about this like anyone cares, but I just want to share my fairly newfound adoration for hot cereal.

As for the whole "recovery from eating disorder" thing, it's going okay. I stopped filling out the worksheets from the Appetite Awareness Workbook because I was managing to turn it into an obsessive thing and had a few binge-y days. I'm still following her program, however, and really like her stuff on binges. But I'll post about that next time.