Thursday, August 09, 2007

1,959 Miles and a Revelation

That's how far we drove on our vacation. Wow. It was torturous. We had a good time, though the weather was awful. It was about 99 degrees with 99% humidity the whole time. I would have happily explored Colonial Williamsburg and the Jamestown Settlement for an entire day each, but felt physically ill after only a few hours in the heat. I can't believe I actually used to live in a climate like that and didn't give a thought to living a normal life. I think if I moved back to Austin now I'd have to retire to a couch from June til September. We were so tired of it that we drove straight back home without stopping -- 15 hours. The girls were remarkably well behaved; the individual who invented the personal DVD player is my new hero.

My healthy eating didn't suffer much on vacation. I stuck to salads and grilled chicken for the most part. There were a few times when I had little control over what was served, but I did my best not to overindulge (though my birthday cake undid me for a couple of days). Yesterday was a different story. I've been eating a low GI diet, smaller portions, etc. for a month or so now and feeling really good. Even the week of my period didn't cause any major issues for me. Yesterday was not about feeling deprived or hungry. It was about not dealing with my anxiety in a healthy way, plain and simple. I allowed my feelings to take over and had a regrettable afternoon of eating involving two very large bowls of ice cream, a package of graham crackers, and some peanut butter. I felt really crummy when I went to bed, as well as completely exhausted.

The real eye-opener was this morning. I woke up feeling hungover (I've never actually had a hangover, but this is what I imagine it would feel like), and out of sorts. By 8am I had transformed from a somewhat normal mother into a complete harridan who had lost any and all control over her temper. I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs at my 4-year-old, simply because she didn't like the underwear in which I was trying to force her. I completely lost control and gave both girls a top-volume lecture that the neighbors could probably hear. The rage I felt was unbelievably inappropriate. As we drove off, I took a deep breath, apologized to them for losing my temper, and spent the drive ruminating on what on earth was wrong with me. The only thing it could be was my eating yesterday. Whether I was emotionally unstable because I felt awful that I'd binged or because the sugar and carbs physically affected me, that is really the only explanation I can find for my Mrs. Hyde-like behavior. Wow, was that ice cream so not worth it.


Isabelle said...

64 blogs! Goodness, you're worse than me (or than I, to be grammatical...).

I wonder where you live, then, if not somewhere hot. I thought all America was hot in summer.

Claire said...

I hate the binge hangover. For some reason I get a really sore next the morning after a binge, which makes no sense to me.

I am a masters student at Northwestern Univ and my thesis is on binge eating--my own and the disorder in general. You seem to be able to articulate really well what binging is and does to you...would you be willing to be interviewed? Drop me a line if yes (and if you want to know more of course I can fill you in.) Many thanks! Claire Zulkey