Following Subconscious Patterns

My kids are at school and I have nothing to do until I have to go to the bowling alley at 3pm. I need to pre-bowl for Sunday's league games because I'm going on the home tour in Marshall on Sunday with my dad and R. I think we'll make a stop in Turkeyville too. I love that place!

I feel at loose ends. Not because I have nothing to do -- I have PLENTY to do. I just feel very restless. I came home from dropping the kids at school and immediately made no-bake cookies. After finishing the cookies I drove off to buy a new oven/stove because mine died last weekend. Annoying (so dang expensive!) but I wasn't too broken up about it because my old one was crap. We'll have to postpone putting in a new slider to our upstairs deck, but oh well. Anyway, I digress. As I was driving to the appliance store, I was ruminating on why I can so often be found in the kitchen either cooking, baking, or cleaning it (which is actually T's job) when I am at loose ends.

I think I'm following a pattern set by my mom (mom #2 who died almost exactly a year ago). She could often be found in the kitchen baking during her free time. She made everything from scratch including bread, and was a really good cook. She wasn't good at saying "I love you" or hugging, but she expressed her love with food. She always showered us with homemade goodies at Christmastime, and went all out when having us over for holiday meals. A couple of years ago for Christmas dinner she actually made her own crackers to go with the first course of homemade soup! When she and my dad came daily to care for me after I broke my leg, she spent almost all of her time in the kitchen. She made us homemade cinnamon rolls, dinner rolls, cookies, cake....we could have opened a bed and breakfast. I don't know if I like to bake because I feel as though I'm caring for my loved ones by doing so or because it brings me memories of a warm kitchen and feeling loved myself. I just feel that strong pull to be in the kitchen.

The oven broke two days after I discovered that I'd neglected to record our mortgage payment for August. I only discovered that when I got an overdraft notice from the bank. Luckily, only one check came in while I had insufficient funds and they transferred money from our savings to cover it (for $5!). It was still rather panic-inducing to find that I had $1500 less than I thought I had.

Last weekend T and I pre-bowled for the Sunday when he'll be out of state at a family wedding, and I bowled a new low. 27. Yes -- 27....and with my new hello kitty ball too. After that first stunning score, I went on to bowl a 72 and a 77. Yes, it is definitely going to be another year of mortification at the bowling alley. We took the girls to the driving range on Saturday to see if I could still golf after breaking my leg. T wasn't sure my knee could take the twisting motion and the strain of having all of my weight on it at the end of a swing. I did okay, though I think I definitely hit the ball farther pre-broken leg. I took the girls mini-golfing on Monday and judging by my putting performance there, 18 holes of golf will take me several hours. I won 18 holes of golf and an overnight stay at a hotel last spring and we're going off to enjoy it on September 16/17. It will be the first time I've actually golfed an entire game by myself (I shared a club in a scramble once).

My eating has been so-so. I've had a few days when I really overate -- a few "almost" binges. Most days I've eaten around 1800 calories, but some days I'm really hungry much of the day. That depresses me because I know I can't go around hungry for the rest of my life just to weigh less. The thing is, I can't remember if that's just the way it is when I'm smaller or if this is a new thing. Oh, I remember that when I was below 140 pounds I was hungry most of the time, but at 150 or so? I just can't remember. I know I definitely was always rabidly hungry by lunchtime because I ate a bowl of All Bran Extra Fiber or Fiber One cereal and milk and then forced myself not to each anything else until lunchtime. The rest of the day isn't so clear. Sigh. I guess I'll keep on going for now and see what happens. I'm not eating 100% NS food. I found that I got some horrible headaches when I ate 3 meals of NS food for a few days in a row. That's a bit scary. As long as I stick to one or two, I'm okay. So I've been having a lot of salads with shredded turkey or chicken for lunch in place of NS food. Now I have about 15 cups of soup to deal with. I suppose I'll eat them eventually.