Ups and Downs

Wow -- it takes one a while to recover from vacation, doesn't it? I'm still very behind on reading the blogs I subscribe to, and my laundry is everywhere!

First, a funny: we were going to have "family movie night" on Saturday night and told the girls to go get their pajamas on after dinner. T and I went into our bedroom and locked it because we were planning to be "busy" for a bit. C, who was in the process of changing, heard the dog scratching on our door and came to open it for her. Finding it was locked, she called to me to open it. I called back that I was changing into my pajamas and would be out in a minute. In an exasperated tone she called back, "MOM!! Can't you just open the door?!? Come ON! I'm naked too!"

I went to the symphony with my dad on Friday. I'm too cheap to pay for the parking ramp so I made him walk about half a mile from the car to the hall. It was kind of icy on the sidewalk and all I could think of while we were walking was that he was going to fall and break something and it would be all my fault. The music was lovely. They played something by Mozart, which was okay but not fabulous. There was a guest pianist from Argentina to play Beethoven's Concerto No. 2, which was wonderful. The second half was all music from Porkofiev's Romeo and Juliet, which was fantastic. All in all, a nice evening.

So, I will quit procratinating and confess that I binged for two days after seeing the therapist, and my weight is right back up to 176.8 or something like that. I was better yesterday and (so far) today. I wondered if maybe I was worried that she was going to "make" me stop using food, but I don't really think that was my problem. I think honestly that I am scared because this is IT. She is the REAL DEAL -- a therapist who specializes in people with eating disorders. So what if I can't figure out why I do this to myself? What if I never uncover the reason? What if I do uncover the reason and still can't stop? What if I'm never normal? Frightening. We really didn't get into much in our first session -- it was mainly background stuff, but I felt like a freak describing my weird family of origin. I won't see her again until mid March because she's going on vacation and is booked up prior to going out of town. However, she does have a support group that meets twice a month. I can't go tonight, but can go in two weeks. I'm curious to find out what it's like.