Can I Have a Do-Over?

I had a crummy weekend. Friday night, we had three couples over for pizza before going to a hockey game, and for drinks after the game. Two of the women engaged it that stupid "I'm not really that hungry" game -- you know, the one where they take one piece of pizza, leave the crust behind, and turn down the chips & cheese, fruit & dip, and brownies. I felt like a miserable pig for eating two pieces of pizza. I suppose that's my issue and I really, really shouldn't allow what anyone else eats or doesn't eat affect me, right? I really didn't even want most of my second piece of pizza, but ate it anyway because I was nervous. At least I turned down the popcorn most of them were eating at the game. After we got back, someone produced a birthday cake for one of the guys, and I ate a piece. It wasn't even very good. I only ate a bit at first, but proceeded to pick at it until it was gone -- and had a dozen or so chips and cheese to top it off.

On Saturday, I went scrapbooking all day. I had gone back and forth about whether or not I should bring my own food -- or at least a salad. On the one hand, she usually serves food that isn't exactly healthy. On the other hand, I don't want to engage in behavior that is too "diety" and disordered. I ended up taking nothing and regretted it. She served greasy meatballs, potato salad, chips, overly sweet hot fruit compote, and brownies. I didn't like any of it, and ate only enough to stave off hunger. Then all afternoon I felt very dissatisfied and restless. I really wanted to get outside and take a nice, relaxing walk but it poured rain nonstop all day. I ended up salving my restlessness with two brownies. After the crop I went home, and feeling very unhappy, proceeded to eat a couple of handfuls of chocolate Chex mix (which is really yucky tasting, let me tell you!) with the girls. I ALMOST started a binge. I ate a Girl Scout cookie after my Chex mix, and felt myself teetering on the edge. I talked myself down and went upstairs to bed instead.

Yesterday, T got called in to work 10 hours of overtime, which is great for the budget but bad for me. R was gone at a friend's house and C had a friend visiting. I felt trapped and had that horrible jittery feeling that preceeds a binge. It was almost as though too many possibilities of how to spend the day were spread out before me, while at the same time I felt trapped by all of the chores waiting for me. I have already decided that the next time I have a day like this I will immediately make a to-do list that includes work AND relaxation. I ended up pacing the house like a caged lion for most of the day (in between loads of laundry and bill paying), and about five brownies made their way into my stomach by early afternoon. I didn't end up doing anything satisfying for me OR any of the cleaning and organizing I had wanted to do. I got on the elliptical for 30 minutes, I walked the dog a couple of times (short walks since I had two five-year-olds there), but I just couldn't calm myself. After dinner I had to pick R up (T was held over at work and missed dinner, which didn't help) and we went out for ice cream. I only had a kiddie scoop, but I wasn't at all hungry AND it doesn't really help my girls' future eating habits to take them for food only because I want it.

Today is a new day and the start of a new week. I have regrets about the weekend, but I sat down yesterday and wrote out a "chain of events" for my therapist, along with ways I could have done things differently. I have to look at the good: I didn't have an all-out binge. There was no time when I felt sick because I'd eaten too much. I didn't proceed to eat every sugary carb in the house. Heck, there were still a dozen brownies left by evening. I may have taken a step back, but I'm ready to move forward again.