Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Climbing Out of the Hole

I saw my therapist today and shared my setback of last week. I spent 4 days last week alternately doing fine and overeating. Finally, on Sunday, I sort of mentally pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said, "HEY! Yes, you are going to be fat your whole life because you are behaving like someone who WANTS to be fat! Maybe you are meant to be this size forever unless you starve yourself. However, you will never know if you don't stop overeating and eating when you're not hungry!" I've been okay since then. I even started bringing a snack to work to eat between meals when I get really hungry, rather than trying to wait until it's "mealtime". It made me very anxious on Monday (I brought two snacks), but yesterday and today it's been fine (I only brought one snack -- baby steps, you know).

I talked to the therapist about weighing myself and whether or not it's a healthy thing to do. I haven't been weighing myself more than once every few months. All of the books on healing binge behavior say to weigh yourself once a week. She pointed out that they are talking about healing only binge eating and emotional eating -- they aren't dealing with people who've had past issues with anorexic behavior or overexercising. Good point. She pointed out that surely I can tell whether or not I've gained or lost weight by the fit of my clothing, without risking the possible trigger of using the scale. I suppose she is right.

She gave me a really neat piece of writing that has apparently been around for a while. I think this woman has been inside my head! I think I'm working on Chapter 3 -- sometimes I even get to 4.

There's a Hole In My Sidewalk : Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson.

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall's a habit...but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.


Joc said...

I think I am like you, mostly still chapter 3, and occasionally chapter 4, but more and more chapter 4.

This is great!

PS I have a new blog, dont know if you have seen it

Leslie Robin said...

Dearest Nearly a Normal Eater,

I too am following your journey. I so admire your courage and openness.
This past week, I brought some "sugarless cookies" and Fiber bars (they had chocolate and sugar in them), and I "fell into the hole", and it was my fault -- I had allowed myself to think that these food would be okay, and that I could handle them. I could not. But I also, like you, got out of the hole, and resumed my journey.
Baby steps -- you are so right.
Thanks a lot for your blog, and I look forward to hearing about how you are doing. Thanks a billion!

Kada said...

I can relate to this on so many levels in my life, not just with my eating. I spend most of my time in chapter three with some in chapter four. Recently there's been a couple of moments of chapter 5. And it felt gooood.

Love your blog!