I spent the whole day alternately planning to go on a diet; wondering if I could after all do the South Beach diet; thinking about how much weight I could lose by Christmas....and reminding myself that diets make me crazy; I have worth no matter what my weight; and no, I really shouldn't be eating all of this chocolate at work when I'm not at all hungry. I was really shocked at how upset I was. Here I thought my self image was improving, but I was back in the "it's hopeless so I might as well have a brownie" rut. I took R out for lunch after their "Fourth Grade Celebration" (they move to middle school next year), and managed to leave part of my lunch behind because I was full, but arrived at work and ate too many treats. I went out to dinner with a friend and had just a bowl of vegetable soup and a piece of bread because I wasn't very hungry, but went home at 8:15pm and ate a piece of pizza and a piece of cake! Just before bed I filled out my eating diary and resolved to get over my backside freak-out. So far, so good, though my mind still occasionally wanders into diet territory.
At group on Monday, my therapist gave us a great list of affirmations to post on the fridge. I won't post it on the fridge because of my girls, but I want to share it:
- My worth as a person is not diminished in any way by my body size or my eating patterns.
- I will love myself no matter what my eating patterns are.
- I will judge my days not by what or how much I eat, but by the accomplishments I have made and the love I have given.
- My life is a gift, and I will not let my enjoyment of it be diminished by feeling guilty over my body size or how much I eat.
- I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.
- My eating disorder is a temporary condition in my life.
- There is a normal eater within me. I will let her take over my life more and more each day as I am ready.
- I can imagine a life without having an eating disorder.
- When I feel stressed, I will close my eyes and picture how my all-powerful, normal eater would handle the situation.
- I believe I will be a normal eater again. I know I will be a normal eater again!