Friday, June 13, 2008

Thrown for a Loop

On Wednesday morning, R, very enamoured of her new digital camera, snapped a photo of me while I was making her breakfast. It was a photo of the back of me. I looked at it and was immediately thrown into a deep pit of despair. Okay, perhaps I exaggerate a bit, but not much. Wow, did I look awful. My pants looked too tight, my shirt looked too snug, and I looked quite chunky. I went upstairs and changed, and tried to talk positively to myself. I told myself that it was just the clothes -- and even if it wasn't, so what? Being fat isn't the end of all happiness. I'll just buy clothing that fits better and is more flattering and I'll like my rear view better. Yeah, that didn't really work.

I spent the whole day alternately planning to go on a diet; wondering if I could after all do the South Beach diet; thinking about how much weight I could lose by Christmas....and reminding myself that diets make me crazy; I have worth no matter what my weight; and no, I really shouldn't be eating all of this chocolate at work when I'm not at all hungry. I was really shocked at how upset I was. Here I thought my self image was improving, but I was back in the "it's hopeless so I might as well have a brownie" rut. I took R out for lunch after their "Fourth Grade Celebration" (they move to middle school next year), and managed to leave part of my lunch behind because I was full, but arrived at work and ate too many treats. I went out to dinner with a friend and had just a bowl of vegetable soup and a piece of bread because I wasn't very hungry, but went home at 8:15pm and ate a piece of pizza and a piece of cake! Just before bed I filled out my eating diary and resolved to get over my backside freak-out. So far, so good, though my mind still occasionally wanders into diet territory.

At group on Monday, my therapist gave us a great list of affirmations to post on the fridge. I won't post it on the fridge because of my girls, but I want to share it:

  1. My worth as a person is not diminished in any way by my body size or my eating patterns.
  2. I will love myself no matter what my eating patterns are.
  3. I will judge my days not by what or how much I eat, but by the accomplishments I have made and the love I have given.
  4. My life is a gift, and I will not let my enjoyment of it be diminished by feeling guilty over my body size or how much I eat.
  5. I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.
  6. My eating disorder is a temporary condition in my life.
  7. There is a normal eater within me. I will let her take over my life more and more each day as I am ready.
  8. I can imagine a life without having an eating disorder.
  9. When I feel stressed, I will close my eyes and picture how my all-powerful, normal eater would handle the situation.
  10. I believe I will be a normal eater again. I know I will be a normal eater again!


Leslie Robin said...

I understand your agony and your pain, because I have been there myself. Try to be kind and loving to yourself -- That, I believe, will lead you out of this low time. I know this is very difficult for you right now. If you could separate out the food and the photo, could you more clearly see what is going on inside you, and outside you? Try countering all the negative talk in your head with loving words -- as if you were a baby, or a toddler, say, in grave distress.
~~A fellow traveler in this search for normal eating Peace!

Emma said...

You really went through it. There from one picture. Your counselor is right Self-love is the first step. While you are working on that. Eat fresh fruit and drink you water. it helps me so much. I appreciate your honesty.. Be gentle with yourself friend.

Leslie Robin said...

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you: to thank you for your blog, to thank you for your honesty, and also, to thank you for posting the words and guidelines that your Group Therapist shared with you. Unfortunately, I binged last night, and this morning I am reading what your therapist said, and it is helping me. You are not alone! I am not alone!

Isabelle said...

No one looks good from behind. Even skinny women have big bottoms. And from the front, you're really pretty!