.........Or Maybe Not

My attempts to eat until satisfied and not beyond aren't going so well. At breakfast and (mostly) at lunch, okay. Dinner? I've only managed it twice since my post. I'm still trying though. It's not like I'm overeating french fries and hamburgers -- I don't often cook dinners that aren't healthy -- but overeating salad is still overeating. Then I feel kind of sad that I don't get hungry before bed so I feel guilty eating a snack or dessert.

I had some sort of odd freak-out last week and one evening I ate so much in such a short time that it almost could be considered a binge. Maybe it was a mini-binge. I talked to my therapist about it and she said that I've made so much progress in such a short time that I shouldn't be surprised that I backslide a bit sometimes. I've been really, really busy lately and under stress at work due to changes coming down the pipeline, so I dealt with it in the old, comforting way. Since I went to see her I've been okay. I told her about how angry I'd been when my FIL told me that my BIL wouldn't "let" his wife buy brownies and she suggested that perhaps I was internalizing it. I thought, "Oh -- duh! Of course I was!" Food and weight is still a very touchy issue with me.

I'm going out to eat tonight with four coworkers. I'm praying that they don't talk about what they "should" be eating and/or how "bad" they're being, but I think my prayers are in vain. Sigh. I am going to order what sounds best to me and eat until satisfied and do my best to ignore their judgments. Tomorrow T and I are going out to eat with about 9 other couples and then to a concert with 1980s music. It should be fun, though I'm dreading the late night. We usually go to bed by 9pm and this concert doesn't even start until 10pm. I can't sleep in on Sunday either. And we have our last league bowling day on Sunday. I will now stop wingeing and concentrate on how much fun we'll have!

Eat Until Satisfied...not Beyond

I think I've progressed about as far as I'm going to in my quest to eat without distractions. I still only manage it about a quarter of the time, but that's better than nothing. I will continue to work on it. My next project will be to eat until satisfied. I can usually judge how much to eat at breakfast and lunch, but not at dinner. I eat a small dinner, but almost always end up feeling too full, and then feeling panicky. I think the key would be to eat even less, and then have a snack before bed if I get hungry again. Starting with dinner tonight, that will be my mission.

I had a crummy Easter weekend, as far as my eating was concerned. I feel frustrated with myself -- like I'm almost stuck in a rut in my recovery process. Just when I think I may actually be "normal", I have a few days -- or a week -- when I slip back into disordered thinking or behavior. No binges or anything, but overeating on purpose -- eating more even though I know I'll feel even fuller and icky. Last week I had a post dinner snack every evening, even though I wasn't the slightest bit hungry. That led to thoughts that I needed to cut back so I don't put weight on and/or so I can lose a bit more before our summer vacation to the east coast. That led to a bit of "last supper" eating all weekend long. I think I could have more compassion and forgiveness for myself if I had overeaten because it was a holiday and the food was good. The truth is, though, that I overate because I kept thinking that I "needed" to stop eating! Maybe giving away my baggy clothes wasn't such a great idea. I don't really have room to store them, but not having them around as a safety net pressures me not to put on any weight. The weekend weather was gorgeous and though I was stuck inside cooking most of Saturday, I managed to get out and bike 21 miles on Sunday. It felt glorious -- except for my backside, which felt not so glorious by mile 18.

I signed up for six weeks of golf lessons again this year. Last night was lesson one, and right off the bat I felt foolish because I'd grabbed the sand wedge (S) instead of the five iron (5) and the pro pointed it out in front of the other fifty students. Sigh. Though I was wearing long underwear, a tank top, two fleece sweatshirts, a windbreaker, and jogging pants, I was FREEZING out there. I hope it warms up significantly before lesson number two.

We had a birthday party for my FIL last week and T's brother, wife, and new baby surprised him by showing up from England. He was really shocked, but very happy to see them. The baby is a doll and we've been really enjoying their visit, though it has made for some late nights. I'm exhausted. On Saturday, my FIL told me that P (SIL from England who cannot have gluten, wheat, or dairy) was really enjoying things from a local bakery that specializes in gluten-free items. He said she'd had a really good cookie that day, but that A (her husband) "wouldn't let" her buy any brownies. When I asked why not, he said, "Well, she has to start watching her weight". I swear I thought the top of my head would come off. I said that it was really none of A's business and that if T ever told me I couldn't buy a brownie, there'd be problems. I think he could tell I was really angry because he just said, "Well, I think she wanted to buy several" and tried to change the subject. I wonder if part of my overeating that day was in reaction to hearing that. I railed on and on to T later -- do you think she hasn't noticed that she's gained a lot of weight since getting pregnant? I don't really think she needs A to point it out to her! ARGH.

Zero Distractions = Boredom!

I found pants! They aren't perfect, but at least I won't have to wear the same pair of pants every day all summer. I still couldn't find any lower waisted pants with no front pockets, but did find some with pockets that don't poke out oddly. I bought three size 8s, so I guess I'm officially a size 8 (though I imagine not for all brands). I haven't weighed myself, but a friend I hadn't seen in a couple of months told me yesterday that I looked "just fabulous!". I tried not to feel irritated.

I've still been trying to eat without distractions, but find myself bored and looking around for something to read after ten bites or so. Maybe that means I should stop eating. Hmmm...I hadn't thought of that! I did just overeat at lunchtime because I was ravenous. I had a large bowl of oatmeal with almond butter and fruit at 5:30am, along with toast and peanut butter at 10am, and a 100-cal pack of almonds at noon, but by 1pm I could have gnawed my arm off. I shoveled in my salad so quickly that I got too full. Oops.

Eating Without Distractions

My mission to eat without distractions is going...okay. I think it is hardest at work because everyone I work with reads magazines for the whole lunch half-hour. The library gets a zillion of them, so there is always something new to read. I usually don't take the entire 30 minutes to eat, so I've been reading after I finish eating. It does feel odd to just sit and eat, but I am definitely tasting my food and enjoying it more.

Dinner is always full of distractions since I have a husband, two kids, and a dog at the table. I haven't been the first one done at every dinner for the past few weeks -- at least at a few meals. I have started eating yogurt with dinner. I know, you're thinking so? I love yogurt and I know it's healthy for me, but it has never been a very satisfying snack for me. No matter what type I eat or what I put in it, I'm hungry less than an hour after eating it. This yogurt appeared on the grocery store shelves a few weeks ago and it's quite tasty. It was on sale last week and I stocked up. I've been eating a cup of it, alternating with the delicious but incredibly expensive greek yogurts, for dinner almost every night. It feels like an indulgence and I don't have to worry about it being an unsatisfying snack. It's a nice sweet ending to my meal too.

Breakfast is difficult because I'm used to multitasking while eating it. I usually make the girls' and my lunches, and sometimes start dinner in between bites of oatmeal. I've been trying to make lunch the night before, but don't always have time. On the weekend I sat and ate mindfully, but this week, I've only managed one morning of simply eating.

My shopping trip was depressing -- not because of the sizes I fit into, but because I couldn't find a single top I even wanted to try on! I did try on several pair of pants, but only found one I liked fairly well. Doesn't any company make khakis that fall just below the waist, have a flat front, and no front or side pockets?!? Levi used to make some Dockers that I loved, so of course they stopped making them. I am wearing a pair of size 8 pants today, for the first time in three plus years. They are a bit snugger than I'm comfortable with, but 10s are just too loose on me now and having them fall down all the time drives me nuts.