Eat Until Satisfied...not Beyond

I think I've progressed about as far as I'm going to in my quest to eat without distractions. I still only manage it about a quarter of the time, but that's better than nothing. I will continue to work on it. My next project will be to eat until satisfied. I can usually judge how much to eat at breakfast and lunch, but not at dinner. I eat a small dinner, but almost always end up feeling too full, and then feeling panicky. I think the key would be to eat even less, and then have a snack before bed if I get hungry again. Starting with dinner tonight, that will be my mission.

I had a crummy Easter weekend, as far as my eating was concerned. I feel frustrated with myself -- like I'm almost stuck in a rut in my recovery process. Just when I think I may actually be "normal", I have a few days -- or a week -- when I slip back into disordered thinking or behavior. No binges or anything, but overeating on purpose -- eating more even though I know I'll feel even fuller and icky. Last week I had a post dinner snack every evening, even though I wasn't the slightest bit hungry. That led to thoughts that I needed to cut back so I don't put weight on and/or so I can lose a bit more before our summer vacation to the east coast. That led to a bit of "last supper" eating all weekend long. I think I could have more compassion and forgiveness for myself if I had overeaten because it was a holiday and the food was good. The truth is, though, that I overate because I kept thinking that I "needed" to stop eating! Maybe giving away my baggy clothes wasn't such a great idea. I don't really have room to store them, but not having them around as a safety net pressures me not to put on any weight. The weekend weather was gorgeous and though I was stuck inside cooking most of Saturday, I managed to get out and bike 21 miles on Sunday. It felt glorious -- except for my backside, which felt not so glorious by mile 18.

I signed up for six weeks of golf lessons again this year. Last night was lesson one, and right off the bat I felt foolish because I'd grabbed the sand wedge (S) instead of the five iron (5) and the pro pointed it out in front of the other fifty students. Sigh. Though I was wearing long underwear, a tank top, two fleece sweatshirts, a windbreaker, and jogging pants, I was FREEZING out there. I hope it warms up significantly before lesson number two.

We had a birthday party for my FIL last week and T's brother, wife, and new baby surprised him by showing up from England. He was really shocked, but very happy to see them. The baby is a doll and we've been really enjoying their visit, though it has made for some late nights. I'm exhausted. On Saturday, my FIL told me that P (SIL from England who cannot have gluten, wheat, or dairy) was really enjoying things from a local bakery that specializes in gluten-free items. He said she'd had a really good cookie that day, but that A (her husband) "wouldn't let" her buy any brownies. When I asked why not, he said, "Well, she has to start watching her weight". I swear I thought the top of my head would come off. I said that it was really none of A's business and that if T ever told me I couldn't buy a brownie, there'd be problems. I think he could tell I was really angry because he just said, "Well, I think she wanted to buy several" and tried to change the subject. I wonder if part of my overeating that day was in reaction to hearing that. I railed on and on to T later -- do you think she hasn't noticed that she's gained a lot of weight since getting pregnant? I don't really think she needs A to point it out to her! ARGH.