Dealing With the Feelings

Here I am with my little cutie C on the day of her "friend" birthday party last month. She rarely smiles naturally in a photo -- either has the "deer in the headlights" look or has her mouth wide open.

Have you ever noticed that people give you more c0mpliments on your appearance when you're "skinny" as opposed to when you're "fat"? When R and I had our shopping trip last weekend, I bought some new pants, jeans, and tops. I felt a tad sad that I had to buy size 12 jeans and size XL in a couple of the tops. I haven't worn a size 12 since I was 18 years old. I didn't feel thrilled with the way anything looked on me, but I was satisfied with my purchases and went off to work on Tuesday and Wednesday in two of my new outfits, feeling pretty spiffy. Not one single coworker complimented me or even commented on my new duds. As I recall, when I was a size 6, pretty much everything I wore was cause for a compliment. Truly, I'm not exaggerating.

Last night my dh announced after dinner that he was going off to play basketball. I felt rather annoyed because we had just heard that R was going to have a friend stay overnight tonight and if he went to play basketball he wouldn't have time to do the dishes before said friend came over. I despise having the counters covered with dirty dishes. I don't even like small appliances on the counters to be honest. I'm a minimalist. After he left, C immediately had a breakdown and started crying about every little thing, which is incredibly nerve-wracking. I finally sent her up to get ready for bed and started doing the dishes, feeling crabby. All I could think about was eating some of the Chips Ahoy that were in the cupboard. I kept telling myself that I wasn't hungry, wasn't hungry, wasn't hungry. It wasn't working, wasn't working, wasn't working. I finished the dishes and stood in the center of the kitchen, feeling angry and frustrated. I was feeling angry and frustrated. Feeling. I didn't want cookies. I just wanted distraction from my feelings. I went upstairs and just dealt with it. I dealt with it by just feeling it. You know what? It passed. By the time I got into bed, I felt calm. Actually, I felt great because I hadn't eaten over my feelings. I'm gettin' there, size 12 or not.