Clearing Emotional Blocks -- and a Thanksgiving Report

After reading about Melissa's neat experience with it, I ordered the "Clearing Emotional Blocks" CD from Jennifer Polle's website a couple of weeks ago. I've been listening to it for about 10 days now -- every night as I fall asleep. I'm not sure I've actually made it through the whole CD more than once without dozing off, but she has a lovely soothing voice. Maybe my subconscious is absorbing lots of good affirmations. I have felt happier and more relaxed lately. After a month of listening to it, I'll try listening to her CD on intuitive eating.

Thanksgiving weekend was fairly relaxing. On thanksgiving, I didn't overeat at all. I ate quite small portions of the foods I like, skipped those I don't, and had two small pieces of the desserts. When I started feeling restless and cruising by the cheesecake, I excused myself and walked home (about 2.5 miles). I spent a nice 1.5 hours all alone at home...ahhhh.

I got to see my brother and his family on Friday (they live in Seattle, so I only see them a couple of times a year), which was lovely. Friday night we went to T's mom's family Christmas party, held early so all of the cousins could be there. I ate a few too many cookies out of boredom, but otherwise coped well with the giant bunch o'relatives. T's cousin P and family had just moved into the house where the party was held and WHOA! It was a 4300 square foot monstrosity. At least half of the rooms were totally empty and P mentioned several times to T that their mortgage was $2300 a month and they could barely pay their bills. We kind of wondered why on earth they bought it, but it seems they hope it will be a good investment. Apparently it sold for $400,000 a couple of years ago and they got it for just over $300,000. I am quite jealous of the size of their kitchen, but I'm not sure I'd want to be that house poor.

Saturday, I went shopping at 6am and loaded up with most of the gifts I needed. I really have only a few more things to buy. In the afternoon, we saw a local ballet (Night Before Christmas) with the kids. I was very sleepy; I'm pretty sure I dozed off during the snow and ice scene. Oh well, the girls loved it. Yesterday I worked and then a cousin of T's and family (who came from Virginia for the holiday) came over so the kids could play together. I had only one piece of pizza -- along with C's crust. I sure WANTED another piece -- it was chicken parmesan pizza and was really yummy -- but I refrained because I just wasn't hungry anymore.

One of Those Moments You Treasure

My little R is so funny sometimes. I called on Saturday night to say goodnight to everyone and she got on the phone, gushing "Mom! I had such a great day! We had so much fun! It was like one of those moments you just treasure with your family because everyone is laughing and having SUCH a good time!" The good time she was talking about was helping T rake leaves and then jumping on the trampoline with him. It doesn't take much to give a 10-year-old a "moment to treasure", does it? After I got home I commented, "I'm so tired", and R said, "Yeah -- I'd be tired too if I spent two days sitting around all day". I replied, "It wasn't the sitting -- it was the lack of sleep". She gave me a wry look and asked, "Haven't you ever heard of sarcasm, mom?"

My weekend was a lot of fun, in spite of two very sleepless nights spent listening to two very loud snorers. My dh's aunt and her friends came at the last minute and we laughed and laughed all weekend. I ate very consciously at meals, leaving behind a lot of food because it just wasn't that great. Saturday night I got hungry a few hours after dinner and ate entirely too much junk food, but not so much that I felt sick or felt as though I'd binged. I just grazed for a few hours on stuff I didn't really need. It was a definite improvement over last year.

There was one woman there who reminded me of the me I don't want to be ever again. She cruised by the snack table many times, commenting on the abundance of food but never taking anything, while guzzling diet Coke. She went for a run on Saturday and went out for walks several times during the weekend. In years past I went to bed early to avoid eating, got up early to walk several miles before breakfast, and took walks after every meal. I missed a lot of scrapbooking and socializing. You know, there's a time and a place for exercise -- this morning I hopped on the elliptical after walking the dog -- but I'm not sure a scrapbooking weekend is the time and place...at least it's not for me (anymore).

I was quite happy when I arrived home to find that T and the girls had raked leaves, cleaned the house, washed everyone's bed linen, and done laundry! At bowling I finished above my average and my last game was a 106. It was a good weekend all around.

Learning From the Past

It is time, once again, for my annual scrapbooking weekend. As you probably do not recall (but I unfortunately recall all too well), last year's weekend started off well but spiraled into feeling sick and crummy after trying to supplant sleep with food. This year will be different! I solemnly swear that I will:

• not overeat at meals
• not mindlessly munch on the copious offerings on the groaning table of snacks that is readily available 24 hours a day
• go to bed when I'm tired, even if it is only 9pm and I have only finished 3 pages since lunch
• take a nap on Saturday if I need to
• get up and go outside for a walk if I am restless and/or bored

I want this weekend to be FUN, as it used to be for me. I started going many years ago, and though it has always been somewhat stressful for me as far as food goes (because of the above-mentioned snacks, as well as not being in control of what was served us at mealtime), I almost always had a great time. Last year I felt rather miserable over my overeating and left right after breakfast on Sunday. This year I will relax, enjoy myself, and not leave until I HAVE to. I'll let you know on Monday how it went.

I Can't Skip

Most of the time I think I am pretty okay with how I healed after my bicycling accident. I try to feel fortunate that I didn't lose my leg or die of a massive infection in the hospital. I can walk, bike, climb steps (albeit with help from the railing most of the time), and I don't have a permanent limp. However, I think I had convinced myself that the doctor was wrong when he told me I should never, ever again run, hop, skip, jump, do aerobics, or even climb steep hills. I figured, you know, after a year or so I'd be able to do aerobics again if I really wanted to. Okay, I shouldn't, but I'd be ABLE to. I often came up with scenarios in my head...a child molester is trying to drag my child into a car, a psycho is stalking me in the dark when I'm walking the dog. my dd runs into the road in front of a bus....in those situations, SURELY I'd be able to run and save myself or my loved one. Well...no. Not so much. It's been 18 months since I stopped using a cane and I can't do any of it. They will find my body in the woods because I could only quickly walk away from the stalking psycho.

C and I were out walking the dog and the sunshine was gorgeous, the air was warm, and I was happy. It was the kind of day that makes you feel like skipping. I asked C, "Can you skip?" and she couldn't. She didn't quite know what skipping was and instead was galloping down the road. I said, "Like this" -- and skipped. And almost fell down when my knee buckled. Wow -- I thought it was a fluke and tried again. And almost fell on my face again. I feel so disappointed. I know in the grand scheme of things, it's idiotic for me to feel so devastated over this. I feel deeply mournful that I will never be quite whole again. I'm embarrassed about my feelings, but still sad. Of course, I immediately blamed myself...if I weighed 40 lbs less, maybe I could still skip.

Dealing With the Feelings

Here I am with my little cutie C on the day of her "friend" birthday party last month. She rarely smiles naturally in a photo -- either has the "deer in the headlights" look or has her mouth wide open.

Have you ever noticed that people give you more c0mpliments on your appearance when you're "skinny" as opposed to when you're "fat"? When R and I had our shopping trip last weekend, I bought some new pants, jeans, and tops. I felt a tad sad that I had to buy size 12 jeans and size XL in a couple of the tops. I haven't worn a size 12 since I was 18 years old. I didn't feel thrilled with the way anything looked on me, but I was satisfied with my purchases and went off to work on Tuesday and Wednesday in two of my new outfits, feeling pretty spiffy. Not one single coworker complimented me or even commented on my new duds. As I recall, when I was a size 6, pretty much everything I wore was cause for a compliment. Truly, I'm not exaggerating.

Last night my dh announced after dinner that he was going off to play basketball. I felt rather annoyed because we had just heard that R was going to have a friend stay overnight tonight and if he went to play basketball he wouldn't have time to do the dishes before said friend came over. I despise having the counters covered with dirty dishes. I don't even like small appliances on the counters to be honest. I'm a minimalist. After he left, C immediately had a breakdown and started crying about every little thing, which is incredibly nerve-wracking. I finally sent her up to get ready for bed and started doing the dishes, feeling crabby. All I could think about was eating some of the Chips Ahoy that were in the cupboard. I kept telling myself that I wasn't hungry, wasn't hungry, wasn't hungry. It wasn't working, wasn't working, wasn't working. I finished the dishes and stood in the center of the kitchen, feeling angry and frustrated. I was feeling angry and frustrated. Feeling. I didn't want cookies. I just wanted distraction from my feelings. I went upstairs and just dealt with it. I dealt with it by just feeling it. You know what? It passed. By the time I got into bed, I felt calm. Actually, I felt great because I hadn't eaten over my feelings. I'm gettin' there, size 12 or not.

Balance

This is our little Princess, lazing in the sun by the front door. She is actually R's dog, but thinks she's mine. Of course, I am the person who gets up at 5am to walk her, so perhaps she is justified in her thinking.

I had two "girly days" with my girls this past weekend. Friday C and I went to the mall to Libby Lu, which is the biggest rip-off since Chuck E Cheese. She had been asking for a "makeover" and LL was the closest thing I could find to a makeover for a five-year-old. Was I only imagining the disapproving looks from other moms as we trotted through the mall afterward? She had eyeshadow, colored lip gloss, and an "updo" complete with hairpiece. I felt like a traitor to feminists everywhere, which is silly since I loved to play dress up and use makeup when I was young -- heck, I still do. Here she is after the process was complete.

After the makeover we shopped for new clothes, rode the carousel, had ice cream, ate dinner, saw the Bee Movie (mediocre but not horrible), and played at the treehouse play area in the mall. As I put her to bed, exhausted (me, not her), she proclaimed the treehouse to be the best part. Of course. It was free.

On Saturday R and I had manicures, pedicures, shopped at the mall, had ice cream, and raced home so T and I could rush off to our monthly CORE meeting (CORE=Continuing Our Retrouvaille Experience). R adored having a pedicure (as did I, for that matter).

At CORE, we had a Tai Chi instructor explain what Tai Chi was and then lead us in a few moves. My ears really perked up when she said it strengthens your leg muscles without stress on your joints. She's starting a new series of classes in January and I could take the one on Wednesday mornings at 10am, since I work on Wednesdays from 11:45am-8:15pm. I'm kind of excited about the idea. Of course, that takes away my alone time on Wednesdays, but let's face it -- all I do is housework, pay bills, and take the dog for a second walk. Or eat.

I'd like to take yoga too, but I hesitate because I feel selfish, as though that's too much time spent on myself. Why? I used to belong to a women's organization that met monthly, another that met weekly, attended scrapbooking crops monthly, etc. and never felt guilty. That was when I had only one child though -- and before I knew that being alone with the children for an extended period of time makes my dh stressed (he's a great dad so I don't know why that is!). I'm determined to find a balance because in spite of my best intentions, I'm STILL not making enough time for myself these days. So Tai Chi is a definite and I'm seriously considering yoga.