....or normality, as they would say in the U.K. :-)
It's almost surreal how totally normal I've been feeling about food and eating. I've lost some weight (172.6 yesterday), which is nice, but even nicer is that I've felt so relaxed about eating. I made cookies twice last weekend for a potluck we attended, and I didn't really care much about eating them or not eating them. I ate a couple on Saturday, and a couple more on Sunday, but I don't feel any particular need to run to the cupboard and eat them all or anything.
On Sunday we had bowling (I got a 68, 105, and 98 -- my average is now 87), and I had eaten lentil soup, potato chips, and a pear for lunch. I'd eaten a bit late because I was busy making the soup and pumpkin bread, so I wasn't really hungry by the time 4:45pm rolled around (which is when we leave for bowling). Usually I'd wrestle with myself --" Should I eat? I know I'll be hungry before 8:15 (which is when we usually get home), but I'm not hungry. Should I buy something at the bowling alley? No, it's all fried and I'm too cheap anyway. AACK! What to do? I think I should eat now in case I get hungry...." etc. -- lots of mental anguish. This past Sunday I just thought, "Eh, I'm not hungry right now. Should I eat? No, because I'm not hungry. I'll probably be starving by 8pm, but I'll either eat there or just wait. Nothing will happen if I wait." I was indeed starving by the time we got home, but I just had a small meal and went to bed. All was good.
Last night we ate pretty early and then stuffed Easter eggs for the annual hunt. The sight of all that candy didn't even faze me. When the girls went to get their dessert, I saw them eating Girl Scout cookies and wandered in to the kitchen. I ate half a no-bake cookie and half a peanut butter cookie, but then thought, "You know, I'm not really hungry. These would taste so much better when I really want them and I'm not just eating them out of habit." So I didn't have any more. I realized when I went to bed that I was hungry, but I was too lazy to get up and eat anything. By morning I was ravenous. As I was walking the dog, I was thinking, "There's no way I can exercise without eating something." Before riding my exercise bike I had a banana, half a piece of pumpkin bread, and a piece of "lite" whole wheat bread, and a smear of peanut butter. Then I got kind of panicky -- eek! I had eaten a bunch of calories and the day had barely started! Maybe I should skip my usual breakfast! Thankfully, my reasonable self piped up with, "Chick! Chill! So what? You were hungry and you ate -- that's totally what normal people do!" I was still hungry after exercising, showering, and dressing, so I ate my usual breakfast and that was that.
So, I've been concentrating on really listening to my body and what it is hungry for. Last night I barely ate 1/4 of my baked potato (granted, I think it was a mutant potato because it was gigantic), half my chicken breast, and a bit of mixed vegetables and I was REALLY full. I still had lots of food on my plate, but I just sat there with the feeling that I should be cleaning my plate and ignoring it. Mom didn't always know best.
On Saturday, T and I had a "writing day" for Retrouvaille. After couples attend the initial weekend, they have 12 post talks that follow up on the things they learned. Last fall T and I wrote one of the talks and gave it. It was pretty rewarding and the community really needs more post talk presenters, so we decided to write another talk. It's rather amusing that our talk is on sex and intimacy. My sweet dh can't even say the word SEX, so I was really curious to see how he did with writing about it. The day was long, but we just about finished the talk and he did okay with it. Now, to see him actually read his talk -- that will be another thing. I am going to push T to do more writing. Retrouvaille teaches a tool called dialogue, which involves writing and sharing your feelings without judgment from your spouse. I always feel wrung out yet peaceful after I've done a whole day of writing, but even doing one question is very helpful for me. When you write, you have to identify your feelings, and that's something I really wrestle with. Having to write down my feelings forces me to really think about what exactly they are. I keep thinking that one of these years I won't have to stare at the "feeling words" list for several minutes before I can choose one!
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