So, I have eaten like a "normal" person for four days now -- no overeating, no bingeing, and allowing myself to eat when hungry (for the most part). Even on the weekend, though I had a small issue with some cookies I made, I didn't allow "last supper" syndrome to take effect. I waited until I was hungry again to eat and didn't take it as permission to binge. So my last real binge was a week ago yesterday.
I'm eating very small portions at meals, but leave the table satisfied. I have been tempted several times to eat foods that aren't so healthy, but have decided that I wasn't really craving them or wasn't truly physically hungry. The thing is that it's fairly easy to resist things if I'm not hungry and haven't been craving them. It's when I get blindsided by the urge to EAT and EAT NOW! (even though I'm not hungry) that I can't seem to resist. I'm sort of waiting for one of those urges to hit. I've been trying to visualize it happening and me setting the timer for 15 minutes and sitting with my feelings, seeing what comes up, and resisting the food. Hopefully, my visualization will become reality. I feel as though I just need ONE victory over the urge -- to know I can do it. Then the next time will conceivably be easier.
I ate a cupcake after lunch yesterday when I wasn't hungry anymore. I didn't feel guilty, but thought perhaps I should have waited until I was hungry again to eat it. It didn't taste all that great. I had some chocolate ice cream after dinner on Monday and again, wasn't hungry anymore before I ate it. However, the ice cream tasted fabulous. I suppose if I want dessert I should eat even smaller portions so that I'm still a bit hungry.
I feel good, but worry that I'm "dieting". I just finished a book called "Life Inside the Thin Cage" by a woman who was a chronic dieter. It was mainly aimed at women who are not quite anorexic and need to gain some weight, but much of the mindset was the same as a compulsive eater. I find it a bit depressing that all of these books by people who've recovered from eating disorders all say the same thing. These people crave healthy food and don't like sugar and white flour much anymore. Now, I love healthy food. I eat fruits and veggies every day -- probably more than the 9 servings one is supposed to eat. I like chicken breast, yogurt, etc. BUT I also love french fries, cheesecake, chocolate chip cookies, Cheetos, and the like. I can resist them yes, but I can't imagine going to a restaurant, opening the menu, and not wanting to order french fries and a hot fudge brownie sundae. I know I can have them and just stop eating when full, but if I eat them all the time, I certainly won't be healthy, let alone lose any weight.