don't worry mom...

Awww, my little R is so sweet. I was gazing longingly at a catalog of exercise DVDs from collagevideo.com last night and she asked if I'd ordered anything from it. I said, "Not recently, but the exercise DVDs I used to do came from this company" and I kind of sighed. She said, "Don't worry mom -- by next Christmas you'll be able to do your aerobics again and you'll be back in shape in no time!"

Last night was okay -- I think because I was conscious that Wednesday is a problem night and determined not to let it be a problem this week. I made Pierogies for the girls (no meat on Ash Wednesday) and a veggie burger on a low-cal bun for me with strawberries and yogurt for all 3 of us. Of course, I would have been fine with my own dinner, but ate the rest of C's yogurt & fruit, one of her Pierogies, and some pumpkin pudding with fat-free whipped topping. Then I felt really full and a bit panicky. I kept telling myself it was OKAY. I kept busy doing dishes, putting laundry away, and cleaning while the girls had their dessert (which oddly was goldfish crackers and a 100-calorie pkg of peanut butter crisps -- faux cookies). I did have a few crisps and a couple of goldfish, but kept reminding myself that eating more would only make me feel worse. FINALLY they were done and we went upstairs for baths and reading. When T got home I did go back down to read the paper with him, but honestly didn't feel tempted by his can of Pringles. I was actually physically hungry by the time I finally fell asleep at 11pm or so, but of course wasn't about to go eat that late.

Today I was again reminded of two of my "rules". I let myself get too hungry before lunch (I was doing storytime so I was too busy to eat a snack -- and had eaten a Lean Cuisine Panini for breakfast, so didn't think I should be hungry) and I let myself get too full. I ate my leftover enchilada casserole and rice I'd brought, cut a piece of the cream cheese danish coffee cake someone brought (and ate it even after tasting it and finding it wasn't all that great), ate a peanut butter cookie that wasn't all that great, AND ate the yogurt and fruit that was to be my mid-afternoon snack. By the time I realized I didn't want that much food I was really, really full. I let my anxiety get the better of me for a few minutes and ate a small piece of applesauce bread from the breakroom. Then I regained my senses and thought "oh well, it's done, and maybe now I won't get hungry for an afternoon snack".

I had the alarm set to get up and ride my exercise bike this morning, even though I have PT this afternoon. My knee was hurting so much last night I almost took some Vicodin. I couldn't fall asleep and couldn't stay asleep, so I turned the alarm off after C got into bed with us just before T got up at 4:30am. I will try to ride tonight though. I don't honestly know that it's doing any good -- PT guy Jason told me not to increase the tension unless I can still ride at 80 rpm. That's darn fast -- at level 2 I can barely keep it in the upper 70s. But I don't feel like I'm really getting a workout. I'm a bit breathless and break out into a very light sweat, but nothing like when I used to do step aerobics.

I was so tempted to weigh myself this morning, but resisted. It's just a number. My pants aren't falling off me or too small to zip, and whatever the number is, knowing it is never a good thing for me. I want to immediately run to the kitchen if I've gained two pounds or if I've lost two pounds. I'm not sure I'll ever weigh myself again.