Holidaze

The "holidays" have passed in a haze of too much food and not enough relaxation. The new pants I bought just 3 weeks ago are tight. ARGH!! My knee still hurts like heck and it still swells up like a balloon when I try to ride the exercise bike. I rode for 8 minutes the day after Christmas and it hurt even worse than usual for 3 days, as well as swelling up horribly.

I can't even say Christmas was fun. I felt fat and awful. I spent part of Christmas Day addressing our New Year's cards and since I felt so sorry for myself, I ate about four pieces of fudge and 12 frosted cut-out cookies, as well as an assortment of other food. At dinner at my parents' house I ate so much I actually felt sick. It's been a long, long time since that has happened. I checked out Geneen Roth's book on compulsive eating from the library. I nod and think "yes!" and "that makes total sense" about everything I read -- yet I can't manage to put it into practice. I think it's because I'm not willing to give up trying to lose weight and truly allow myself to eat anything I want. I'm too afraid of gaining yet more weight.