intimacy issues

Well, I told T last night that I feel I subconsciously keep people at arm's length to prevent myself from being hurt. I think sometimes I cook, bake, or eat to put off playing with my kids, calling a friend, or being with T. That sounds so sad. The guilt probably compounds the problem. It's rather sick, however, when I realize on a Saturday that I've spend several hours in the kitchen -- hours I could have been playing Candyland or making love.

I made an appointment with the Employee Assistance Center for this Tuesday. She said for eating disorders they usually refer you and work with your insurance. Well, that should be interesting since the HMO has their own counselors and I've already met with the one at our health center. She was absolutely no help whatsoever. I saw in the paper a blurb about a support group for eating disorders that meets twice a month. I called for info and had to leave a message on their answering machine. If it's a group that is honestly trying to get better, I'd like to go. I don't want to go listen to a bunch of whiners who aren't actually trying to do anything about their problems. That's harsh -- especially since I'm sort of one of them. I've almost finished reading Geneen Roth's book on overcoming compulsive eating, yet yesterday when impulse struck, I ate -- even though I was totally aware of what I was doing.

I didn't even try to figure out why I had the urge. I was planning the binge in the car on the way home from lunch with Barb, Gail, and Jacque. I don't get it. Yes, I was very hungry on the way to lunch. But she served us a delicious, healthy lunch. I didn't overeat and I wasn't hungry. I felt like I might be getting hungry, but wasn't yet. Even so I ate until I had that slightly sick, too full tummy feeling -- a couple of brownies, a bunch of soy crisps, a bunch of organic animal crackers, a piece of crustless pumpkin pie with fat-free Cool Whip, 2 Hershey kisses, and a few potato chips. Then I promised myself I wouldn't eat again until I was hungry. I drove off to the Girl Scout cookie sale meeting, only to find that I had the wrong day. When I got home the family was eating pizza. I ate a piece, another brownie, a few more cookies, two more Hershey kisses, and a cup of hot chocolate. ARGH.

So, I have the day off tomorrow. My goal is to play with my girls for at least one hour and lay around with T during C's naptime and make love if we didn't do it in the a.m. AND to only eat when I'm hungry and stop when no longer hungry (as opposed to "full").