Thursday, January 26, 2006 day at a time

I've had one binge in the past 2+ weeks -- a definite improvement. I've actually only overeaten a few times and had a few times when I ate something when I wasn't hungry. I'm still sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems as though I can eat like a normal person for a stretch and the the pressure just builds up until I explore in an eating frenzy.
Well, I started this post on Thursday. It's now Saturday and the other shoe did drop. Yesterday I woke up and somehow I just knew I'd binge. I'd been feeling that way ever since Thursday. I fought the urge all Thursday evening and ate 1/2 a Hostess cupcake, a few graham crackers, and a smore after dinner, but managed not to have more than that. Then Friday, I just fell apart. I didn't work (since I'm working today) and I had my usual breakfast, then added 2 Pop Tarts, a Hostess cupcake, some jello cheesecake pie, some more graham crackers with peanut butter and as smores... that might be all. I felt overfull.

I went off to see "Brokeback Mountain" with Jacque V and Ruth G at 10am. They had popcorn and candy, but I wasn't even tempted. After the movie, we went over to The Pita House for lunch. I wasn't really hungry. I had a brief struggle (internally) over eating, but I felt that since I had suggested the restaurant it would be weird if I didn't eat. If I were to be 100% honest, I'd also have to admit that I didn't want to "miss out" on eating there. I ordered a chicken kebab pita and ate the whole thing, along with parts of Jacque and Ruth's giant cookies. As Geneen Roth points out, if you don't wait until you're hungry to eat, you have no cue of when to stop. I probably wouldn't have eaten even half of the pita had I been hungry and stopped when I wasn't hungry anymore.

In the evening we went out to celebrate Ryan's birthday. We had dinner at the Rio Grande Steakhouse. I was hungry, but had a heck of a time decided what to get. I really just wanted some fries and a piece of bread. I would have felt strange just getting that, so I ordered a mug of chili too. They brought the chili first. It was good and if I had just eaten half of it, I wouldn't have needed another thing. I ate the whole thing, a piece of bread, and the fries. I was stuffed. Then we went to Ryan and Carey's for chat and games. I guess I figured "what the heck?" and managed to down a giant piece of birthday cake, 2 peanut butter chocolate bar cookies, several macadamia nuts covered with chocolate and several chips & dip. I felt rather sick.

It's obvious that, though I think I have legalized all foods, I definitely haven't. Otherwise, I'd have been able to skip lunch, eat just the fries I wanted, and skip all the food at Ryan and Carey's house.

Today I "started over", so to speak. I had my ww tortilla with LC cheese and turkey breast for breakfast, and packed a lunch of a large salad with some turkey breast and cheese on top, and a snack of jello cheesecake, vanilla yogurt, a banana, and a few strawberries. I was quite hungry at midmorning and thought about the bagels June brings every Saturday. I decided I'd rather eat the snack instead and eat a bagel in the afternoon if I got hungry. That worked out because I always feel stressed out if I don't eat all the food I bring. I know that sounds idiotic, but it's true. At lunch, I was not hungry anymore after my salad, but ate some soy crisps anyway. It was okay though.

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