the real work starts

Yesterday was disastrous. I didn't binge, exactly. It was more of a foodfest from breakfast til bedtime. I ate a normal breakfast and took some soy crisps and a Kashi bar with me to our inservice day. They gave us a snack baggie with animal crackers, peanuts, a bag of M&Ms, and a blow-pop in it. I skipped the large breakfast spread (wasn't hungry -- had just eaten). At the first breakout session I was hungry. I ate my soy crisps & Kashi bar. I still felt hungry -- ate half my peanuts and all of my animal crackers (which weren't very good). I even ate some M&Ms. Picked up a Little Debbie frosted brownie -- you know, the kind that isn't worth the calories. I was full, but not stuffed.

At lunch I had a turkey breast sandwich on a kaiser roll, about 5 Terra Chips, and some fresh fruit. I was full, but not stuffed. After the afternoon session, I picked up two cookies at snack time and ate them. I wasn't hungry and felt quite full afterward. I then ate the rest of my M&Ms, the rest of my peanuts, and my blow-pop. I felt reallllly full and promised myself I wouldn't eat dinner if I wasn't hungry. I went home and ate a dinner roll, some chicken breast, a piece of garlic bread, some salad, a chocolate chip cookie, and a small dish of ice cream. I was very full, but really not stuffed. I rode my exercise bike. While T was putting the girls to bed, I read the paper. I proceeded to eat about 5 or 6 more chocolate chip cookies. I wanted more, but stopped myself and went upstairs.

Sooooooo -- today I started logging my food on the food log from normaleating.com. I resisted, telling myself that it was too much like dieting, but I think that was just an excuse. I need to check in with my feelings before I eat, and this will force me to do so. I simply have to start doing the work. No healing is going to magically take place without some real work on my part. This can't simply be the "eat when hungry diet".