Thursday, October 06, 2005

Feeling better today

I felt so depressed yesterday -- I couldn' t summon the energy to do anything. I found out that tomorrow is my last day of physical therapy and the HMO is refusing to extend my benefits. In fact, Dr. Kerby apparently said that in his 20 years there, no one has ever had benefits extended. I find that difficult to believe. So anyway, I'm being left twisting in the wind when I'm not even walking unassisted yet. I feel frightened. Jason (the physical therapist I've been seeing this week) says I can pay $40 to work out there for a month and he can provide me with some guidance, but it won't be like he is my therapist. At least I can do that, but I feel rather discouraged. My foot is still so sore to walk on, my calf muscle is still so tight all morning, and my knee still doesn't bend much past 100 degrees without a lot of stretching. There's no way I can do the kind of stretching at home that the therapists do. I'm beginning to be scared that I'm never again going to be able to sit cross-legged -- or even put my sock on without a struggle.

I just called the after-school care program to tell them R wouldn't be there today or tomorrow and Crystal said, "Oh, I'm sorry she won't be here -- she's such a great little girl. Give her a hug for me and tell her we miss her". Wow -- that's nice to hear. She is a sweetheart. I worry sometimes -- okay, a lot -- that I'm doing more bawling her out than praising her. Actually I worry more that I don't spend enough quality time with her. Even now that I'm working only 12 hours a week I somehow don't have time to do fun things with my girls. How can that be?!? Somehow I have got to carve out more time with them. Poor C has been so neglected. At least R had a few years when T worked nights and we'd do lots of fun things while he slept during the day on the weekends.

When I'm walking again, I'm going to make some concrete plans to spend several hours on my weekends off just playing games, coloring, scrapbooking, cooking, and doing other things they like with them. Life has to be about more than work and household chores, but somehow that's all my life has become in the past few years. Well, that and exercise before mid July. I need to shift my priorities in that respect too. I was spending way too much time exercising just to be able to eat junk. That is totally screwed up.

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