Fighting the Food Demons

I've been fighting the food demons for three days now. I wish I could chalk it up to TOM, since I'm scheduled to start tomorrow. However, I'm afraid hormones have little to do with the little guy on my shoulder screaming "EAT! EAT! EAT!"

Friday we were supposed to meet several of T's police academy buddies and their wives/husbands at a local bar. He hadn't seen many of them for months -- even years in some cases. I was completely jittery about it for days beforehand. T went through the academy about five years later than most because he had dropped out of college for a while, not knowing what he wanted to do. I remember attending the big graduation party with him, feeling incredibly insecure. Being four years older than T, I was 10 years older than many of the kids in his class. I felt old, fat, unattractive, and totally out of place. For years after that party I avoided academy parties and weddings like the plague. It ended up contributing to a lot of tension in our marriage because T thought I just didn't care. When I finally ended up confessing to my insecurity a few years ago, T thought I was completely wacko, though he said so in a much more gentle way.

Anyway, I was so incredibly anxious all day Friday that all I wanted to do was eat all day long. I resisted for the most part, though I ended up eating way too many m&ms out of the community candy dish. I kept asking myself, "What if you just live with the anxiety? What's the worst than will happen? You'll be anxious. At least you won't be anxious AND feel horrible after bingeing!" Sooooooooooo ironically, we arrived at the bar to find that two of the three women alums who showed up are now overweight -- one larger than I am -- and some of the guys have put on some weight too. All of my dread was for absolutely nothing. We somehow got onto the topic of age -- perhaps because it's been 10 years since graduation for them -- and my age (42) came up. I could tell they were genuinely shocked that I was older than T, which boosted my ego some (though I honestly don't care about my age and readily admit it to anyone who asks). I did end up a bit too full at the bar (though I left food on my plate), but it was probably because by the time we ended up ordering I was absolutely zero on the hunger scale and wanted to eat my own fingers.

I can't believe that I built up that dinner to be such a source of dread. Let that be a lesson to me -- please!

Yesterday and today -- I'm not sure what the anxiety was all about. Yesterday I dealt okay with it all day, though I did eat a rather LARGE bowl of ice cream after dinner. Today, not so great. I didn't binge really, but I ate 3 brownies after lunch even though I wasn't hungry anymore, and then had a large piece of cake in the afternoon (not hungry). Today I guess bowling could be part of it. Ugh -- only 3 more torture sessions. They already asked us to bowl with them next year. Wahhh.