And we're off!...or are we?

Today we leave for six days in Ireland. A & P's wedding is Friday in a castle in Sligo. We're going to stay overnight in the castle the night of the wedding, but otherwise we're staying at B&Bs, either in Sligo or Dublin. I'm excited, but R is sick today so I'm completely stressed out. She came into our room last night at 3am, trembling all over, burning up, and saying her tummy hurt, her eyes hurt, and her head hurt. I gave her Tylenol and laid down for a while with her. She never did throw up and seemed fine this morning. She just played with her breakfast though and said her tummy hurt (and she was shaking again). She's on the couch now and I'm wanting to eat everything in the kitchen. I really wanted a chance to work out today since we'll be on a plane or in airports for over 12 hours. Ah...the best laid plans as they say...

I've been concentrating on eating when hungry, stopping when satisfied, and not eating when not hungry over the past few days. It's been okay. It's hard not to eat over every little feeling, but I keep telling myself that when I'm hungry I can eat whatever I want. Good Lord, how many times have I tried this over the past few years? I figure it's got to sink in sometime. Last night we went to Old Country Buffet for dinner with dad. T was working overtime on the Dick Cheney detail as part of the motorcade. I wandered around and nothing really appealed to me. I finally made a large salad, ate a roasted chicken breast, and then ate about half of 7 different desserts. I really wasn't stuffed when we left though. My dad was appalled at all of the dessert I ate! It was kind of amusing.

I was thinking about why I feel so much more accepting of being overweight when I'm a size 12 than when I'm a size 10 or 8. I think I feel less pressure -- actually, no pressure. No one says "Oh my, you need to lose weight!" or "There's Susan, eating her salad again!" or "Oh you're so good -- you never eat the donuts (or cookies, or brownies, or candy, or....)". People just leave me alone. When I was a size 6, I felt constantly pressured to maintain my weight loss. My coworkers never left me alone -- "You look so great!", "You're doing such a good job!", "Oh, there's that skinny Susan!", "Oh, look how healthy you're eating. It's disgusting!", etc. Every time I got on the scale and saw that I'd gained a pound or two, I panicked. OMG -- was my stomach bigger? Did my pants look tighter? Could people tell I'd put on 2 pounds, or 5 pounds, or 10 pounds? It's almost as though I needed to either be 135 pounds or 160, with no in-between. If I'm 160, people can tell that I've given up. They leave me alone to eat my salad in peace. If I'm 145, people feel sorry for me that I've gained some weight back and my pants are tight. They eye the half donut I'm eating with disapproval. If I weigh 160, obviously I eat donuts, so it's okay. I could eat several because -- hey, I'm fat! Fat people eat donuts.

spiraling out of control

My sister stayed with me for 10 days after my mom died. She has always been an itty bitty thing with somewhat strange eating habits. When pregnant she would eat an entire bag of mini Reeces pb cups at a sitting. She has almost always managed to keep her weight low, however. I think it's just genetic (she's not my biological sis). I was able to see what she was eating while she was here because we were together all the time. The first day she was here she ate 1/2 a granola bar 1/2 a cheese sandwich, and 3 bites of cornbread. That was it. The entire day. It freaked me out and I think I tried to eat enough for both of us.

I'm not sure why it freaked me out so much. She's always been "the skinny sister". Two years ago she had put on some weight for some reason and I was actually a size smaller than she was (being a size 6 at the time). It weirded her out totally. She couldn't stop commenting on how small I was. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable and a little....well.......pleased, happy, proud, superior. I mean, I'd always been the fat one. Anyway, I'm back to being the fat one, and I think I was trying to cement my role or something, while trying to make her eat more and join me. Every time my sister mentioned loving some kind of cookies my mom used to make, I'd run to the kitchen and bake them. We had so many cookies here last week, you'd have thought it was Christmas time. Unfortunately, I ate far more than she did (or anyone else for that matter).

I feel stuck. I cannot seem to eat in any sort of intuitive manner. I try to slow down my eating pace and I end up eating faster. I try to feed myself when hungry and I end up eating too much by the end of the day because I "can't" resist dessert after dinner. I try to ignore my hunger for a while and I end up eating too much, feeling too full, and then fighting the temptation to eat even more. I can't seem to convince myself that I don't have to eat all of the food in the world in one day.

I weighed myself last week and the scale said 167. 167! I haven't weighed that much in years and years and years. I actually can't remember the last time I weighed that much, but it must have been in graduate school -- 1991 maybe? Since I got married in 1995, I know 156 is the most I've weighed unless I was pregnant, and my weight has hovered around 150 for most of my married life. I've been trying to remember what on earth I used to do differently, but it's all a blur. Heck, there were long stretches when I didn't even exercise, baked dozens of Christmas cookies, and still didn't gain weight. Did I spend most of my day starving? I kind of remember eating cereal & milk for breakfast and then ignoring my hunger until lunch, but can't recall much else. Sigh. I don't know why I'm rambling.

Eulogy

I have to say that I will miss mom more than I ever thought possible. There are so many things, big and little, that I’ll miss: her fantastic homemade dinner rolls, brought to every celebration dinner; the way she seemed to read my mind when I wanted to ask for help with something, but couldn’t quite get up the courage to spit it out; the beautiful craftsmanship she exhibited in the gorgeous holiday dresses and Halloween costumes she sewed for her grandchildren; and the glee she took in playing with her grandkids.

She was a terrific grandmother to my children, especially to R. When mom and dad had R out to the house to spend the day or a weekend, mom had endless patience with R’s nonstop chatter. She and R formed a cozy partnership they called “The Crafty Girls” and together they completed a myriad of different craft projects together over the past couple of years. Mom was ever so much more patient than I was with R’s style of crafting, which involved her own stubborn ideas, rather than the actual directions. When she took my kids to the beach, she didn’t just stick them in the car and go. She brought little beach chairs, beach umbrellas, pails, shovels, sunscreen, bug spray, and packed four different kinds of sandwiches, just to make sure she had the kind they liked. She didn’t just sit in a chair wishing she could go home (as I do at the beach) but instead got down in the sand and helped build sand masterpieces.

In the past few years, family seemed to become more important to her, and we’d grown quite close. She was my ready companion for things like craft shows and excursions to places my husband would have found boring, like museum exhibits or home tours. She was supportive to me in many ways when my husband and I were separated and working through marital problems a few years ago. I wouldn’t like to call my accident a year ago a blessing, but I am so very grateful for it, especially now, because it completely changed my relationship with my parents, especially my mom. She and my dad came to our house and took care of my entire family for weeks, changing my bandages, keeping me company during my seemingly endless weeks of confinement to a hospital bed, peppering my physical therapist with questions, doing our weekly grocery shopping, washing our laundry, running our errands, unpacking boxes from our recent move, and cooking up a storm making us everything from homemade bread to dinner every night. I was so touched by the unselfish love and caring shown to me by mom that I started to see her in a different light. I let go of past resentments and anger and was able to tell her for the first time how much I loved her and how grateful I was to her.

I have no doubt that mom was not ready to die yet. She constantly had new schemes and plans afoot, was always planning to take a class or learn a new skill, and spoke about her life as though she was going to live to be 100. To be honest, I always thought she would too. I found a reading that made me think of mom called “Let Me Die Working”.

Let me die working,
Still tackling plans unfinished, tasks undone!
Clean to its end, swift may my race be run.
No laggard steps, no faltering, no shirking;
Let me die working.

Let me die thinking,
Let me fare forth still with an open mind,
Fresh secrets to unfold, new truths to find,
My soul undimmed, alert, no question blinking;
Let me die thinking.

Let me die giving,
The substance of life, for life’s enriching;
Time, things and self on heaven converging,
No selfish thought, love redeeming, living;
Let me die giving.

Fear Factor Biking

Let me just say that I HATE exercise, in pretty much any shape or form. Occasionally before my accident I felt a rush of pride at how capable my body was when doing step aerobics -- heart pounding, sweat pouring off, muscles working hard -- but enjoyment was never any part of the experience. I do exercise -- often and hard. But only because I don't have any interest in a heart attack, a stroke, or use of a cane thirty years down the road.

The only exercise I find remote pleasure in is riding my bike (my outdoors bike, not the deadly dull stationary bike I torture myself with thrice weekly). So naturally, biking scares the *&%$ out of me since last summer. I'm pretty proud of myself that I actually have the courage to get back on a bike at all, but I find it terrifying. That's not strictly true -- once I'm on the bike and riding it, I don't actually feel scared -- unless an animal runs out in front of me. Just thinking about getting on the bike, though, makes me want to run for the closest quart of ice cream and dive in. Logically, I know the odds of breaking my leg into dozens of pieces a second time have to be really, really long, but that knowledge doesn't help. I rode 24 miles yesterday, and rather liked it (well, except for my behind hurting -- I MUST get a gel seat and possibly bicycle pants!) but I had put off that ride for 6 weeks because I was so nervous at the prospect. I wonder if I'll ever get over my anxiety?

what are you really feeling when you feel "fat"? and other interesting stuff

Cutting-Edge Therapies forEating Disorders by Jessica Setnick, MS, RD
Three strategies that dietitians can employ when counseling eating disordered clients include the apple test, the transitive property of fat, and recognition of the benefits of the eating disorder.

The apple test:
Eating in response to emotions can lead to overeating, compensating, and/or unwanted weight gain. The apple test is a way to help clients distinguish emotional needs from physiological hunger (Note: This strategy is not appropriate for patients who avoid eating.) At the onset of food thoughts or cravings and prior to eating anything that is offered, clients are advised to ask themselves: “Would I eat an apple?” Since apples are usually considered plain but nourishing food, the goal is to determine if you are truly hungry (“Yes, I would eat an apple”) or not (“I would eat a donut, but Iwouldn’t eat an apple”). If clients determine that they would eat an apple, they follow the guidelines provided by their dietitian or meal plan regarding what and how much to eat. If they find that they would not eat an apple, they follow the guidelines provided by the dietitian or mental health professional for identifying and managing emotional needs.

The transitive property of fat:
Because the “language of fat” is spoken so frequently in our culture, we learn to blame our bodies for our bad feelings. To help clients find non-eating disordered ways to cope with their feelings, they must first recognize that they are having feelings. Otherwise, they will continue to feel“fat,” a situation that has only one solution. Each person has a different definition of “fat.” Feeling “fat” indicates that a person is also feeling how he/she believes “being fat” feels. Clients may disagree with that statement and tell the dietitian they are only feeling fat, and nothing else. However, clients are really saying that because theoretically there is a solution to being fat, while there maybe no solution to other feelings. Using this strategy, dietitians can ask clients to walk through the grocery store and when they see a “fat”person (whatever they consider fat), think about what they assume that person’s life must be like. The dietitian might say to the client: “I know you don’t judge people based on appearance, but if you did, what might you think you know about this person? Is he lazy? Unproductive? Ugly? Lonely? Does he eat too much, eat the wrong things, let himself go?“ Whatever you think you might know about this person, this is what you equate with ‘fat.’ If you think that fat people are lonely, whenever you are lonely, you are bound to feel fat. If you believe that fat people are ugly, whenever you feel ugly, you are going to feel fat. Ugly and lonely don’t always have solutions, but when you know your definition of “fat,” you can discuss with your therapist how to handle that feeling, instead of turning to your eating disorder behaviors.”

Recognizing the benefits of the eating disorder:
Because eating disorders are a response to stress, they develop in response to underlying problems. Viewing an eating disorder as solely bad and shameful only makes a person feel worse for having it; the disorder prevents sufferers from finding the ways that it is actually “helping”them. Ask the client: “If you were to view your eating disorder as a solution, in what situations has it come in handy? How has your eating disorder helped you to get what you want, avoid what you hate, or express your true feelings? Your true problems are the very things that your eating disorder has helped you with. Once you have found the things that your eating disorder has helped you with, find non-eating disorder methods to solve them. When you are feeling strong, you won’t need your eating disorder to do your work for you.”

Eating: From Disordered toOrder—“What is Normal”?
by Reba Sloan, MPH, LRD
Many of my eating disordered clients have asked me to define “normal eating.” Whether clients are struggling to be free from the bondage of extreme dietary restraint or wrestling with the drive to binge on food, the goal is to help them arrive at a normal relationship with food, eating, and activity. This involves abandoning the “all or nothing” thinking and discovering a life lived in the “middle ground.”The first task is to help clients understand which aspects of their relationships with food are disordered. Most clients understand from a rational standpoint that their behaviors are imbalanced in this area. The powerful hold of their eating disorder can hinder them from accepting and living out this intellectual truth. Here are a few areas that dietitians can explore with clients in an effort to uncover disordered eating behaviors or cognitions:

Are you adhering to irrational rules regarding food and eating? (ie, “I can only eat 1,000 calories per day.” or “Carbs are bad/fattening.”)
Have your eating practices/behaviors contributed to a disconnect withyour hunger/full/satisfied cues?
Has the way you are eating and the activity you are getting or not getting contributed to “artificial” weight loss or gain?
Does your current relationship with food disrupt your emotional, social, or spiritual life?

After the client acknowledges thatdisordered eating is present, factors that may have contributed to this imbalance need to be addressed. Thisc an include emotional triggers that might cause someone to eat or not eat continually over a period of time, frequent dieting that stems from unrealistic weight or size goals, or living in a social-cultural melee that complicates finding the middle ground withour food, activity, and weight. Thereis no clearly defined crossover point where disordered eating becomes an eating disorder. Even if one does not meet the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder, disordered eating can destroy peace of mind and quality of life. My experience has been that many clients struggling with disordered eating fit the diagnostic criteria for Eating Disorder Not OtherwiseSpecified (ED NOS). This initial work with a client lays the foundation required for the journey towards “the middle ground” of normal eating. I have come to see normal eating in the following terms:
Eating that does not cause chaos inone’s thoughts and behaviors with food.
A relationship with food that is not guilt- or shame-based.
Eating that is thoughtful and connected, not obsessive.
Eating that is satisfying and enjoyable.
Eating that is flexible, and, occasionally“disordered.”
Achieving normal eating is even harder than defining the term. It is a process that involves a “hammer and chisel” approach. Our job is to assist clients in this pursuit by helping them identify and change faulty beliefs regarding eating, food, and weight, and giving them nutrition advice to encourage variety, balance, and moderation and to promote “style of eating”work that allows for more effective connection to the body’s signals. In a nutshell, normal eating is a result of realistic and practical goals. This might be best summarized by a quote I once heard and have long since forgotten the source: “Moderation in everything, including moderation.”
Reba Sloan, MPH, LRD, is a nutritiontherapist in private practice inNashville, Tenn.

On a diet?

I recently read the book Eat, Drink, & Weigh Less by Mollie Katzen (of Moosewood fame) and Walter Willett (Harvard School of Public Health). This has to be the first time in my entire life that I looked at a "diet" and thought, "I could totally do this!". The portions are generous, the food is delicious and totally real. No artifical sweetener, no frozen dinners, no convenience food, and the meals look fabulous. The only problem is that I work full time and have a family! The recipes are very time consuming, and for some of the dinners you have to make 3 of them. Perhaps if a I had a personal chef...

I have, however, been eating the breakfast, lunch, snack parts of the plan -- then just eating a mindful dinner with my family. So far, the food has been great and though I can't say I've never been hungry, I definitely haven't had that soul-sucking hunger I got on Weight Watchers. I don't arrive home desperate for anything that looks remotely like a carbohydrate because I'm so ravenous. I'm not sure if this is due to the composition of the meals or due to the fact that they are higher in calories than I've been eating. I've been eating a small breakfast, morning snack, small lunch, and afternoon snack, totally about 1000 calories. This plan has a breakfast of about 350 calories, a lunch of about 400 calories and a snack of up to 250 calories. So it's about the same number of calories, but more at breakfast with only one snack per day. I wish I had the time to cook some of the dinners. Perhaps on the weekends.

deprivation

I posted this on a bulletin board I belong to:

"It's so easy to understand my desire to eat when I'm anxious, upset, bored, etc. The other day I was feeling a lot of anxiety over something-or-other and I thought to myself, "I wish I could just binge instead of feeling all of this!" It's much less difficult to not eat in a situation when I realize why I want to. It's more difficult when there doesn't seem to be any reason beyond greed for me wanting food! "

One of the posters wrote:

"Susan when you describe your "greed" ~ always wanting the biggest piece of cake, etc. It doesn't sound like greed to me .... it sounds like little Susan wants to make positive that she gets her fair share. It sounds like there have been times in life where you didn't get what you needed and that large piece of cake is a form of taking care of yourself"

Another wrote that there will always be more cake and I need to remind myself of this when I want to eat more even though I'm not hungry or when I want dessert even though I'm full after dinner.

I think the "little Susan" theory is a good one. Growing up, we weren't short on food but with six kids we often didn't get "seconds" unless we ate our "firsts" really fast. We weren't allowed to eat between meals, and rarely ate out or had "good" food like pizza, french fries, ice cream, or chocolate. In addition, I used food to soothe my feelings, epecially as I got older.

I indulge (or used to indulge) in other behaviors (besides overeating) that agree with the fear of deprivation theory. My coworker brings in (giant) bagels every Saturday and I don't eat them anymore. When I did, however, I always made sure to rush over to the bag and pick out the one I wanted right away & squirrel it in my locker if I didn't immediately eat it. I used to be the first one in line at every potluck or buffet, and the first to cut into any treat brought by a coworker.
These days I often skip the treat and wait until last to get in line at a potluck. BUT I do still sometimes squirrel away treats, as though I won't be able to get any later. Silly because I could buy or make anything (I'm a good cook, after all), but I still sometimes find myself doing it. If I could figure out how to get past the feelings of deprivation...

I suppose I just need to put up with them. But then again, there's that fear that they will always be there and never go away. The fear that I will feel and feel and feel deprived and a bowl of ice cream will never just be a bowl of ice cream to take or leave. I've tried and tried to tell myself that there will always be more cake. Sometimes it works (especially with cake that isn't homemade). Sometimes though I think that my inner little girl says, "Oh yeah? Well when? You aren't having it now, you didn't have it last week -- exactly WHEN will there be more cake?!?"

food and feelings

I have been thinking for a couple of days about the feelings-food connection for me and realizing just how often I reach for food rather than feeling my feelings. Nowadays I usually stop mid-reach and think, "Um...what are you doing? You're not hungry. Why are you reaching for that?" instead of eating something. Often I stop my thoughts before I ever reach. But I still think first of food -- often. Why is that? When did that start? Was there EVER a time in my life when I just lived? When I didn't constantly think about food, try to resist eating or overeating? When I just ate? There must have been.

I know there were times in my 20s when I was at a stable, lower weight for months at a time and I distinctly remember once being at the grocery store with some people, my roommate Kathy among them. She picked up a candy bar and asked if I wanted one. I said, "No, thanks" automatically and I remember thinking, "Huh. I haven't had a candy bar in months." I must have been living pretty normally then. I know I went regularly to the gym and worked out a lot then, but I've done that off and on for 20 years. My love life wasn't going great at the time, I can't remember if I was working or in school, but I must have just been living my life. How can I get that back?

I feel as though I've done a lot of healing this year. I'm not CONSTANTLY dwelling on thoughts of food, my binges have grown farther and farther apart, and I'm exercising in a healthy way (as opposed to obsessively). I'm eating healthfully, but I'm still struggling with the dessert "thing". Why does that sweet fattening stuff have such a hold over me? Last night we got together and mom and dad M's house with Chris, Julie, Shanna, Richard, and all of our kids. It was very fun and I felt fairly relaxed and happy. I was really hungry, but ate two small pieces of pizza and some salad and was full. We had dessert. I'd made a Texas sheet cake recipe from Cooking Light and Mom had some lowfat ice cream. My piece of cake was fairly large, I took a scoop of ice cream, and I ate it slowly, savoring it. I wasn't the slightest bit hungry when I finished (or when I started, for that matter). Yet I sat there, fighting the urge not to eat C's piece of cake (that she hadn't touched) for half an hour. If I'd been alone I think I would have gobbled it down.

As it was, I sat with the feelings of wanting it, half listening to the conversation around me and half pondering why I wanted it so badly. I think it has to do with feelings of deprivation. Not that we were deprived of food as kids, but we weren't allowed to eat between meals. Mealtime was "eat as fast as you possibly can because if you don't, you won't get seconds". We had dessert at almost every dinner, but I remember eating so many cookies or coffee cake at church coffee hour that I'd feel sick. My sibs ate a lot too. When we'd go to a potluck dinner we'd always eat more than one dessert. Were we making up for the lack of sweetness in our lives? There sure wasn't a lot of it at our house. But now my life is very sweet. I have a nice house and a great family. I have sweetness in abundance. Dessert is still my Achilles heel. Is it just a matter of being greedy, as Linda Moran says in her book? Do I just need to sit with the feelings of wanting more but knowing I don't need it? If I do that, will I still have those feelings of wanting forever or will they eventually go away?

Shanna felt no compunction about asking me if I wanted the rest of the cake to take home (there was a very large piece left -- about five inches square), and when I said no, getting a fork and eating the entire chunk. Of course, she's pretty slender -- does that make a difference? -- and I think she only ate one piece of pizza. Regardless, she wanted it and she ate it. End of story. Had I eaten it, I would have felt that I'd let myself down. I'd have had difficulty not thinking badly of myself.

binges

more from Barbara Holtzman (I really like this woman!):

In the chapter on bingeing, she talks about two kinds binges -- food anger and emotional anger. Food anger is the frustration that builds in reaction to the deprivation of not letting yourself eat what you want. Either making certain foods "forbidden" or underfeeding yourself during the day so that you binge after work or after dinner. Reduce this type of binge by not letting yourself get too hungry and by allowing yourself to eat what you really want.

I think I'm doing fairly well on this one. I do still fight every day not to eat too many sweets/desserts, etc, but it's easier now to turn things down knowing that they make me feel crappy. The day after eating too much sugary stuff I feel downright CRANKY and CRABBY. I also seem to have trouble sleeping that night. Knowing that, why would I WANT to eat a doughnut?


The second type is an attempt to deal with uncomfortable emotional feelings like anger, sadness, anxiety, boredom, and loneliness. For those of us who focus on everyone else's needs but our own, eating (particularly sweets) may be the only way we know how to give to ourselves. For others, it's a means of procrastination. If you numb yourself with food, you may be trading the live feelings of anger, sadness and fear for the familiar dull ache of depression. You also miss the opportunity of learning what your feelings are trying to tell you.There may be times you experience uncomfortable feelings and do not use food to cope. Most likely, these feelings are in your "comfort zone". We all have a range of both uncomfortable and joyful feelings we can bear. The parameters of our comfort zones may fluctuate, depending on our general level of stress, health, where we are in our menstrual cycle, and how connected and supported we feel by our friends and family. If you feel the urge to binge, it may be helpful to understand that it's because something triggered you out of your comfort zone.

So interesting! I often wondered why sometimes I feel as though I'm coping just fine with feelings, even bad ones, and other times I feel such an irresistable pull to run to the cupboard. I'm definitely doing better on the self-care issue -- taking time out to relax and not do much, asking T for what I need, not stressing about everything not being perfect all the time, and doing things I want to do as opposed to things I think I should be doing. I don't succeed at all of this 100% of the time, but definitely more often than not. Procrastination is still big for me -- I feel a very strong urge to eat when I know I really need to do some chore I don't want to do. I've been coping okay with it lately though. I convince myself that the chore isn't going away, so why compound my misery with food I don't need?

cravings

Barbara Holtzman writes in her book of several different kinds of cravings (who knew?):

--associative cravings occur when we pair a food with a long-ago event. I'm sure this is why I crave things like ice cream and chocolate. I remember eating entire bags of Hershey miniatures in high school (very soothing) and ice cream was always a happy treat to us. G&G Simmons took us out for "cheap dates", Aunt Ann would take us for ice cream when she visited, our trips to the cemetary on Memorial Day were always accompanied by a stop at the store out in the country for an ice cream sandwich, and of course we always had ice cream on birthdays. Associative cravings can also arise from habit -- dessert after dinner, in my case. To change that habit, I should work toward something positive (i.e. substitution) rather than try not to do something. To transform a habit, I need intention, a plan, patience, and persistence.

I think associative cravings are a big thing with me. I am really having a hard time breaking my habit of eating dessert after dinner. I recently ordered some Alba 70 shakes from an online specialty store so that at least I have a low-cal, fairly healthy option to the ice cream the girls usually eat. But the best thing would be for me not to feel such a strong pull to eat it. I'm truly no longer physically hungry and have no need to eat anything else. Yet it's practically irresistable to me. I really need to just "lean into" the feelings, as Tina says, and go on with life!

--dispersive cravings are driven by emotions, such as craving sweets when we're lacking sweets in our lives. Paying attention to my feelings will make it easier to recognize what I really need. Craving carbs frequently may be helped by eating protein with the carbs. Hmm.

light bulb!

I ordered Barbara Holtzman's book & CD from her website(www.consciouseatingconsciousliving.com) and it's a combo of GR & Evelyn Tribole & others (as she acknowledges). Anyway, she said something I thought made a light bulb go on for me: "Initially, I thought I could simply talk about my feelings. Talking provided a great deal of insight and some relief, especially when a therapist or friend validated my feelings. But it was not until I learned to sit compassionately with my feelings that I was able to experience self-understanding and self-acceptance. Only by practicing acceptance of all of myself, including the parts I didn't like, was I able to make any real changes".

She says we try to "figure it out" to avoid feeling our feelings. I never "got" why it was important to "sit with your feelings", as everyone says, until I read this. I always thought sitting with my feelings meant trying to figure out why I wanted to eat when I wasn't hungry. But I guess (as my therapist did try to tell me) it really DOESN'T matter sometimes why. You just have to feel your feelings, even if they are only the discomfort of wanting to eat and not doing it.

I need a head smack

The next time I forget that dieting doesn't work for me, someone please give me a good whack. I've been not logging my food intake for close to a week and I feel so much better and more normal. I've not obesessed about food nearly as much. I've just been trying to follow Geneen Roth's eating guidelines and though I've had a few moments of thinking, "Oh! Should I be eating this?", things have gone well with it. In fact, this morning I weighed 160.8 -- about six pounds down from my weight 6 or 7 weeks ago. I'm still struggling a bit with bad food/good food -- last night someone at work brought in a couple of cheesecakes. I cut a very small piece of the brownie cheesecake and ate it really quickly, standing up. That was dumb. If I was going to eat some (and it wasn't really that great) I would have been more satisfied had I gotten a plate, sat down, and savored it. But because it was something I didn't want to allow myself to have, I gobbled it.

The hardest thing, by far, is to stop when satiated. I'm sure I've said that before and I'm still sort of scratching my head over it. I guess that's why a plan or diet or calorie limit is comforting -- when I've eaten my portion, that's it -- I'm done. If I'm eating to satiation, good heavens -- I hardly get any food! I've been taking the tiniest portions at dinner and I'm still probably eating past the point of being no longer hungry. I need to work more on assuring myself that I can eat again when I'm hungry and can eat whatever I want when that happens. The other night we had chili and I had probably 3/4 cup of chili, a small piece of cornbread, and a cup of fruit and I was very full. I could have stopped after 1/2 cup of chili and half a piece of cornbread. I'm sure it's all tied up in deprivation and feelings of "I'll not be able to have this again!" left from childhood.

I've been doing fairly well on slowing down while eating, but still need to eat more slowly at dinner. I still am the first one done every night. So up next -- eating even more slowly and taking even smaller portions.

Obsession

I'm quitting fitday.com cold turkey right now. I have obsessed about food far, far too much over the past few weeks. Last night I binged for the first time in at least a month, and I think my constant thoughts of food had something to do with it. I have "diet head". I'm trying not to beat myself up over it, but rather am looking at it as another learning experience on the path. I've stopped myself from eating for emotional reasons many times over the past month and I can do it again and again and again until it is second nature.

Today I took a short walk after lunch and I was trying to tell myself to be mindful and enjoy the sunshine, flowers, etc., but all I could think was, "I only have 500 calories left to eat today and I'm going to Tanya's candle party and I know she won't have any healthy food and I'll have to either starve or eat too much and feel crappy and..." Ugh. From this moment on I am going to follow the eating guidelines Geneen Roth and Linda Moran and every other non-diet guru advise! They can't all be wrong. So I will feed my body when it's hungry, eat slowly and mindfully, stop when satiated, and know that I can eat again when I'm hungry.

Status Quo

I don't really have much to report. Things are going along well with exercise and eating -- my knee is quite sore today though. I'm taking one day of rest each week, but maybe that's not enough. Now that I'm back to exercising 60 minutes 6 days a week I really don't want to give any of it up!

I wanted to eat when I wasn't hungry several times this past weekend, but talked myself out of it. I knew it was just anxiety-related -- Gary came over for dinner on Sunday, I worked Saturday -- stuff like that. I rode 23 miles on my bike before work on Saturday and it was kind of odd. I left the house at 5:35am -- exact time I left it on the day of my accident. When I biked past the accident site, I kept seeing it over and over in my mind. I was gripping the handlebars so hard during my ride that my hand was swollen all day.

Am I finally getting it?

We went out to dinner last night at a local country club with the entire M clan (30 people or so) since T's aunt, uncle, and cousin were visiting from out of state. I went hungry most of the afternoon, but with the knowledge that I really didn't want to order a dry chicken breast and plain baked potato at the restaurant rather than the idea of losing weight faster. I think it really made a difference.

I chose the first thing that really struck my fancy -- a turkey reuben sandwich with fries. I ate half a bread stick when they came because it was past 7 and I was incredibly hungry. When my dinner came, the bottom of the bread was disappointly soggy. I shrugged, took the sandwich apart, and had half a sandwich with the bread tops & the ingredients. I ate most of my fries. I was pleasantly full, but not stuffed and felt okay about the whole thing. I didn't feel gypped as I would have in the past (by not "getting" to eat the whole thing) because hey, I'm not on a diet! I can eat a reuben and fries whenever and wherever I want! Woo hoo!

I've been logging my food and exercise into fitday.com for my class. In playing around with the reports, I found that if I continue to eat and exercise as I have been for the past week I should lose about 3/4 lb a week. That would be nice. I'm not going to weigh myself for at least another two weeks, but my clothes aren't any less snug yet. Of course, I've only been eating really well for two weeks. I can't forget that I'M NOT ON A DIET and will not be losing massive amounts of weight really quickly. I need to find some patience somewhere... if only they sold it online I'd be set.

Two weeks now with no Diet Coke!

It seems I can no longer fool myself (and that's a good thing!)

On Saturday, I was totally procrastinating cleaning my house (16 people for father's day dinner!) and thought "Oh, maybe I'll just make brownies for the dads to take home from the dinner with them". I quickly caught myself in my dishonesty -- I was procrastinating and wanted to eat, so thought I'd make brownies to waste time and lick out the bowl at the same time (multi-tasking, you know). So, rather than making brownies, I did dishes, laundry, and put away the new lamps I bought on Friday!

Friday night, my dh got home really late from Chicago and I was on my own with the girls. These days getting them to bed is a huge, long process that sometimes turns into a frustrating ordeal, so both of us hate to do it alone. After dinner I took them out to the mall to have R's (the 8-year-old) ears pierced. She's been asking for a couple of weeks to do it. We enjoyed a "kiddie cone" each at Dairy Queen afterward and went home, getting there around 9:15, which is late for them to get to bed. They were cranky and I was exhausted! I had gotten up at 5 to go to the gym and it was so busy at work -- when I took off my pedometer last night I'd walked 15000 steps.

I just wanted to eat, but recognized immediately that it was only because I just wanted to go to bed but knew I had the bedtime thing to get through first. Knowing that really helped -- I just did what I had to do and went to bed myself. I was fighting the urge to eat all day long on Saturday. I think because I ate half my 3-year-old's doughnut while we were out running errands and it was my day off from exercise (which gave me those irrational "I blew it!" feelings), combined with the fact that we had two food-filled social things to do in the afternoon and evening. I didn't dread them, but felt a bit nervous because of the way I'd wanting to eat all day. I was hoping that just being aware of my feelings would help me stay with them at the open house and cookout.

We got to the open house and I just had two bites of a Subway sub and one bite of C's ice cream bar. At the cookout the food wasn't fabulous -- hot dogs, Doritoes, corn on the cob, watermelon, and pasta salad. I skipped the past salad because I just don't like it all that much, and had a small helping of the other items. The only thing I regret is that I took a fudge bar for dessert -- because it was not really very good. I knew that after a few licks, but there wasn't any good way for me to ditch it and I didn't want to be rude. I need to get over being a "good girl" and just stop eating stuff that isn't all that great simply to be polite.

I lost four pounds!

I debated for a few minutes on whether or not to weigh myself. All of the non-dieting literature says not to, but I feel as though it's nice to have positive feedback and it's too easy to let myself float along thinking all is well when it's not. Of course, if the number is disappointing it's dangerous for me. I decided to weigh myself and the scale said 162.6, four pounds less than 8 days ago. I think I will weigh myself, but not more often than once every two weeks at the absolute most. I don't want the number on the scale to dictate how I feel, what I eat or don't eat, what I wear that day, etc.

I decided to ditch sparkpeople.com and go back to fitday.com. Their reports aren't as cool but it takes much less time to enter food intake and it's much easier to use. I feel as though I'm starting to obsess on this, and that is NOT a good thing. I think I will make it a point to log my food only twice a day and stay away from weight loss blogs except for a once-a-week check on them.

One week without Diet Coke!

I can't believe I've made it a week. I almost caved a few times, but thought "Why do I want to drink chemically flavored water? -- just have the real thing!" I was pretty tired yesterday and the day before but work has been so busy I didn't have time to nod off.

Things are going well with sparkpeople.com, though I laugh at the number of calories they say my exercise is worth. If that were accurate I'd have already lost 5 pounds this past week. At the gym I always lie to the machine and say my weight is 130, figuring then the calorie count is fairly accurate. My calorie intake & exercise for the week has been:

1940 (elliptical machine 45 minutes on "weight loss" program & 20 minutes of weights)
1745 (stationery bike 45 minutes on levels 3 & 4)
2403 (exercise bike 30 minutes on interval program, walked 11162 steps that day)
1991 (elliptical machine 35 minutes on levels 5-9 & 30 minutes of weights)
1813 (biked 21 miles outside on my "real" bike)
1800 (45 minutes on elliptical on the cross country program (which is a KILLER!), and walked 10000 steps that day)
and today isn't over yet, but I did the exercise bike this morning for 45 minutes on level 3.

I feel pretty good about how things are going, though I'm ignoring my hunger cues too often. I still don't quite trust myself not to overeat at dinner, so I ignore my mid-morning and mid-afternoon hunger as long as I can. Then eating a bit too much at dinner becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because I'm so hungry. I always take small portions, but still end up too full because I eat it so quickly.

Mid-morning and mid-afternoon, I sort of feel as though I "shouldn't" be hungry yet (though I know that's irrational). Take this morning -- I had oatmeal (quick oats made with 1/4 cup milk, 3/4 cup water, 1/2 cup oats & 1 tsp brown sugar) and an egg for breakfast. Sounds hearty, right? That was at 7:15am or so and I was physically hungry by 9:15am. By 11:30am I was so hungry I felt sick and ate a Lara Bar. Then at 1:15pm I ate my lunch salad so quickly that I ended up stuffed because I didn't stop when satiated. Even if you overeat salad, you're still ignoring your body wisdom!

So I need to start eating more often earlier in the day and trust that I will stop eating when satiated at dinner. It's a bit late to do that today since I didn't bring a snack with me, but tomorrow I will do it. I also really need to eat more dairy. I just don't see how I can unless I totally cut out any sweets (which will lead to bingeing) or eat "diet" food, which I absolutely positively refuse to do. Mark my words, I will never again eat yogurt with artificial sweetener in it now that I've had the real thing. I don't mind plain lowfat Stonyfield Farms -- actually I've found that I like it just as well as whole milk yogurt, but there are some lowfat or nonfat "food" that is just not worth eating. I'd rather eat 10 real potato chips than half a bag of baked chips. Anyway, I need one more dairy serving per day. I eat 2-3 fruit servings, enough protein, and more than enough vegetables.

I rode on my bike to Rockford and back on Sunday with Rita and Ali, past the place where I had the accident for the first time since it happened. It didn't really bring up any feelings for me beyond relief that I'm well along the road to recovery.

L.E.A.R.N.

I started the L.E.A.R.N. class last night (http://www.thelifestylecompany.com/). I was a bit skeptical when I saw the literature the teacher passed out, but she is a registered dietician who just got her master's degree in counseling and she is specializing in eating disorders. She is anti-diet and has dealth with weight issues herself, so I will give it a whirl. We talked about diets and compared the word "diet" to "lifestyle", discussed what we hoped to gain from the class, and got homework. I have to keep an eating log. I'm glad I started using sparkpeople.com on Tuesday or I'd be feeling stressed about that. She also weighed us and said she won't weigh us again until the final night at the end of July.

The class had about 15 people in it, and about half were repeating it. You can repeat it as many times as you want. There was one girl smaller than I am, several overweight people, and over half of the class was obese -- most very large. She asked who eats with no distractions other than conversation and I was the ONLY person who raised my hand!

I'm on day four of no Diet Coke or artificial sweeteners (except my one cup of hot chocolate). I feel great. I can't say for sure it has anything to do with the lack of Diet Coke, however, since my eating has been good and I've exercised hard every day also.

2 days down, 40 years to go

Two days without Diet Coke. Two days of making good food choices. Hmmm.. is this a coincidence? I did actually give in and have some artificial sweetener last night. After work I was quite hungry so I ate some Granola Munch'ems and a cup of SF FF hot chocolate. I was still hungry, but knew from logging my food on sparkpeople.com that I'd eaten about 2000 calories for the day. I woke up STARVING and even after my usual whole wheat tortilla, bit of cheese, turkey breast breakfast I got really hungry by 9:30am. I ate half a packet of plain oatmeal, about 1/4 cup of plain yogurt, and half a cup of blueberries. It's 11:45am right now and I feel so hungry I could eat pretty much anything.

I don't get it. All of the non-dieting literature assures you that you don't have to go hungry to reach your natural weight. Somehow I don't think my natural weight is 166.6. Yesterday I ate 2000 calories and the day before about the same. Both days I spent a lot of time hungry. I ate healthfully -- 7+ servings of vegetables, 2+ servings of fruit, only a couple of small squares of chocolate and a bag of Granola Munch'ems (130 calories) each day for sweets. I ate enough protein and fat, and not too many empty carbs. True, I exercised pretty hard yesterday and this morning, but on Tuesday I woke up late and didn't do a darn thing. How could I be hungry so much of the time?

I guess I'm not really being fair to the ND approach because I'm either being "good" or overeating. What would happen if I ate when I was hungry, stopped when satiated, and ate healthy foods 99% of the time? Perhaps it's time to find out?

I am a complete fraud

I saw my therapist last week for the final time. To be honest, she can't help me until I help myself and so far I am unwilling to do that. I am a total fraud. I talked the talk to her -- all about how I was trying not to emphasize losing weight and trying to eat healthier for other reasons, just as Gillian Riley says to do in the book Eating Less. Blah, blah, blah. I've been exercising regularly but not obsessing on burning calories, blah, blah, blah. Then I went home and binged that night.

All weekend I did well on eating healthfully, eating small portions, talking myself out of eating crap -- until evening. Then I fell apart. Last night I ate a small dinner and was satisfied, but really wanted ice cream. I gave myself "the script" -- ice cream will always be around, I can eat it whenever I want, I don't need to eat it, I want to be a mature grown-up and control my greed and not have food control me, etc. I made it as far as leaving the table, going upstairs, and changing my clothes. Then I caved and had a very small dish of ice cream with chocolate sauce. I felt a bit like a failure because I had typed in my food intake into fitday.com and knew that by eating the ice cream I was going over the 1800 calories I wanted to eat for the day. But I didn't beat myself up because it was a small dish of ice cream. Then we took a trip to Lowe's to buy stuff to stain the deck and T surprised us by taking us to a new ice cream store. ARGH. I got a baby cone, but still felt like a total failure. Adding to my failure was the number on the scale this morning. I tried to resist, but hopped on anyway. It was 166.6. I haven't weighed this much (unless you count pregnancy) in 15 years or so.

I'm foundering around here at a loss. I don't want to "go on a diet". It has never, ever worked for me and somehow I don't think it's going to start working suddenly after 25 years of not working. I am allowing food to control me -- perhaps because I don't have faith in myself. After all, I've never been able to leave sweets alone unless I was in the "weight loss zone" and invincible to all temptation. So why should I be able to now? Yet, I can't make the solution to never be around tempting food. That's giving food way too much power and I can't live my life that way. I refuse to live constantly obsessing about what I've eaten and when, when and what I'm going to eat next, and whether or not I ate too much. I refuse to stress over going out to eat, or to a party, or on vacation, or anywhere I can't control what is served. That is a completely ridiculous way to live.

Gillian Riley says that you need to focus on eating non-addictively for reasons other than losing weight. Losing weight is an external thing -- you really want to do it to please others. You sacrifice your desires to please others. So you lose your motivation as you lose weight and your motivation is dependent on how others are treating you. If they let you down, the thing to do for yourself will be to return to addictive eating to soothe yourself. To make lasting change you need to find more pleasure in controlling your eating than in overeating. You need to concentrate on building your self esteem by making your eating healthy for non-weight related reasons. So she said to make a list of non-weight loss related reasons you want to stop eating addictively, a list of what it costs you to eat addictively, and a list of what will happen if you take 5% more responsibility for your eating -- all non weight related. Boy, was that hard!

My list of what it means to be in control:
--feel lighter & less weighed down by being too full
--lower cholesterol
--less knee pain
--easier and freer to move
--more energy
--no indigestion or "stuffed" feeling
--feel strong and successful
--peace
--feel honest

what it costs to be out of control:
--feel heavy
--knee stress and pain
--high cholesterol
--feel cranky
--avoid social situations
--"afraid" of food
--stuffed feeling
--feelings of failure
--feel weak
--feel sneaky
--yucky "ate too much sugar" mouth taste

If I take 5% more responsibility for my eating:
--I won't mindlessly eat one chip here and one chip there
--I won't feel out of control
--I will feel strong
--I won't obsess about what I eat
--I will stop eating when satisfied
--I will choose NOT to eat sometimes
--I won't eat when I'm not hungry

Is there such a thing as a trigger food?

Some of my listservs and bulletin boards have been discussing trigger foods lately. I find myself agreeing with everyone. I know that logically I shouldn't be afraid of food. A "normal" eater would allow the brownies to get hard and stale and not care if she had to throw them away -- or would a normal eater not make brownies, knowing that they are very high in calories and she doesn't need them for proper care of her body?

Sheryl from normaleating.com says, "I don't think it's ever good to put so much power in an inanimate object outside yourself that you need to shun it and flee from it. The power to decide - to choose - is in you. It's important to know that and believe it. You have the power! Feelings do not mandate action. It's possible to have feelings that you don't act upon - really, that's the definition of maturity. "

Well, yes I do believe that, but.... don't you think that most people who are naturally slender don't buy junk food and don't bake very often? I have tried for YEARS to be able to eat certain foods (good ice cream, homemade brownies, homemade bread, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and graham crackers spring to mind first) in a "normal" fashion and have failed miserably most of the time. No, they don't "trigger" a binge in me unless I'm trying to diet. But I almost always eat a larger portion than would be considered "normal". I eat a large bowl of ice cream or 2-3 brownies or a whole inner package of graham crackers. I always laughed at diets for which you are allowed "1/2 cup of ice cream" or "2 graham crackers". That would never satisfy me in a million years. Most of the time I just avoid those foods, rather than deal with a big struggle.

Oddly, I have been able to normalize some foods. I can now have chips, m&ms, cheese, and sugary cereal in the house all the time and rarely feel the urge to eat a bunch of it. I definitely wouldn't have been able to say that 15 years ago. Why the change? I think part of it may be the "not wanting to waste food" thing. I know that T and the girls will eat chips long before they go stale, and the other things take forever to go bad. My "problem" foods are all things that will get hard, stale, or otherwise ruined if not eaten fairly quickly.

I haven't been doing very well with leaving a bite of food on my plate and each meal and that probably relates. I do serve myself rather small portions, but still -- I want to be able to leave at least ONE bite on my plate. After all, I can go back and eat more food whenever I want. I'm an adult and no one will tell me I can't eat!

I rode my stationery bike this morning and tried doing a "program", as opposed to just 40 minutes on level 3. HOLY COW! I'd been doing level 3 and sometimes 4, but this program went up to 8 at times. I was so out of breath at one point that I had to reduce the resistance. Something to work toward, I suppose. I did the "weight loss" program at the gym on the elliptical on Wednesday and had the opposite experience. I had to keep upping the resistance. Huh.

I'm getting my bike back from the shop tomorrow and I'm pretty excited. I hopped on it a couple of weeks ago and slowly rode up and down the street. I wasn't nearly as scared as I thought I'd be, but it still felt too big for me. The bike shop said they'd switch out the seat for one that goes lower and crank the handlebars a notch closer to the seat and see if that makes a difference. I'm also going to try out the next smaller size and a totally different bike that is a bit more recumbent and thus, lower to the ground. They were super nice and said they'd replace the seat and odometer for free! I told them it wasn't their fault I crashed and broke my leg!

My ACTION plan!

I'm actually alive and feeling rather good these days. After foundering around for a few weeks trying to "legalize" food and eating too much, I realized that legalizing doesn't HAVE to mean buying every food I ever deprived myself of and having it in my cupboard. It can simply mean giving myself permission to eat whatever I want, provided it is truly what I want and as long as I'm hungry. Whew. Having a bunch of junky food in the house just stresses me out -- What if it gets stale? What if no one eats it besides me? What if I have to throw it away? ACK! Having grown up in a house where NOTHING was EVER wasted or thrown away, I can't deal very well with the concept.

After spending a week writing down each time I ate when I wasn't hungry, I found some patterns. I wrote down the time, where I was, who I was with, what I ate, and any thoughts or feelings I had at the time. I found that I eat mainly due to boredom/procrastination, anxiety/stress, or anger. Some of the thoughts I had were "what the heck I already ruined my healthy eating for the day" sorts of thoughts, some ANTS, and anxious thoughts regarding either T or the girls or both. My problem times are dinnertime and just after, while reading the paper, during celebration/holiday meals, restaurants, and my days off. Soooo.. I have an ACTION plan! That makes me laugh. Anyway, here's my action plan:

boredom/procrastination -- just DO whatever I'm procrastinating (duh!) or at least leave/stay out of the kitchen

anxiety/stress -- ask for help

anger -- ask for what I need

for problem times:
dinner & after -- get up from the table as soon as I'm done and LEAVE the AREA! Remind myself that prolonging a meal does not stop it from ending.

reading the paper -- take it elsewhere in the house to read, away from food

celebrations/holidays -- remind myself that I will never run out of food. There is NOTHING I can't eat tomorrow that I'm eating today. There will ALWAYS be more food

restaurants -- eat slowly and try to keep to half of what I'm served

days off -- keep busy, care for myself, don't spend the entire day doing chores

My plan in general is:
exercise 3-6 times a week but don't obsess about length or number of times a week

eat more healthfully -- make most of my choices healthy ones, but eat french fries and the like with no guilt if that's what I truly want. Remind myself that deprivation and insatiability go hand in hand.

cut down on the desserts -- eat it every other day for a while, cut down to twice a week, then make it once a week, eating a truly great dessert

take smaller portions than I think will satisfy me, knowing that I can go back for more

eat with a plate always, sitting down always, and slowly

start leaving one bite of food on my plate at each meal

If I want to eat but I'm not hungry, stop and ask myself what it is I want from food since I want to eat more than I need. Remind myself that feelings come and go, but don't go away because I'm afraid of them. I can't feed a feeling with food. Change requires action.

I'm back from vacation

Our ten days in Europe were really great, but exhausting. We walked a LOT -- nine miles on a couple of days. I don't think I lost any weight, which kind of surprises me. More later...

the eye of the beholder

I found out last night that Aunt Alice said to T "S looks great! How does she stay so slim?" I'm feeling rather foolish to imagine that anyone would care that I weigh 15 pounds more than I did at Christmas.

PT this morning went well. I did 22 minutes on the elliptical and I've been able to increase my ankle weights to 4 lbs for all of my leg extensions. For some weird reason I can't increase the weight on the leg extension machine. The sub PT guy a couple of weeks ago said it was probably due to the angle of the machine. Okay, whatever. I think my squats with the ball are getting easier and though it could be my imagination, doing the step-ups seems positively easy. Now if only I could actually walk up a flight of stairs like a normal person instead of one step at a time like a toddler. Ah well... I still have 3 months til the first anniversary of the accident. At least I now actually believe I will be "normal" again eventually.

I'm really getting excited about our trip -- nine days til we leave. I'm going to zip out to the mall this week on my day off and see if I can't find at least one more new top & pair of jeans -- maybe some Dockers too. I'm not happy with the way any of my non-jean pants look and A&P said to bring a few pair to wear "out" in the evening.

I fell a bit behind I see

Okay, let's see. I weighed myself, giving myself the big lecture that I wouldn't be disappointed if I'd only lost one pound. Imagine my dismay to see that I had GAINED a pound. I couldn't believe it. All that non-bingeing, all that exercise.... ARGH. The bad thing is that I allowed it to lead me to a mini binge one evening shortly afterward. I caught myself, realized why I was eating, and stopped.

I did well after that, except that I can't seem to stop eating before I feel too full at dinner. I think I just feel gypped that so little delicious food is enough. We went to Chili's and if I had honestly stopped when satisfied, I would have eaten two little quesadilla triangles and a couple of bites of rice. Instead I ate half of the platter they served me. That's an improvement, but I can't expect to lose weight if I continue to eat beyond satisfaction. The most important goal for me is still to normalize my relationship with food, but of course I want to lose weight too.

PT is going well. I joined the gym so I can keep up my exercise after PT ends next week. I did 21 minutes on level 6 on the elliptical on Saturday. I went on to do some weight work and it felt pretty good.

I was totally stressed out about this past weekend. Andrew & Patricia were here from London, so it was "all family all the time" for Easter eve and Easter. There were going to be 50 people at Ellen's on Sunday for brunch who hadn't seen me since I had gained anywhere from 15-25 pounds. I felt completely anxious, ashamed, and unattractive. On Saturday I was disappointed that we didn't have our usual family attendance to Easter Vigil services -- everyone was going on Sunday. I allowed it to get to me and after Saturday dinner ate 4 cookies, 2 pieces of cake, too many chocolate-covered almonds, and some more candy after we got home. I felt yucky.

On Sunday, for some reason, things were better. At the brunch I got very small helpings of a few things, ate them slowly, and had a piece of A&P's cake later. I sat with my feelings and tried to socialize. I actually ended up having a good time, though I still felt incredibly self-conscious. I cruised past the buffet tables many times during the afternoon, gazing longingly at the delish food, but I didn't want to stuff my feelings. We left in the late afternoon and A&P came over to discuss our upcoming trip to London. We waited far too long for dinner and I was ravenous by the time our pizza came. I ate two pieces, and managed to sit long enough to realize I was done. I still ate R's crust and a chocolate bunny, and a couple of Hershey miniatures, but that was it.

Even though I engaged in some binge behavior on Saturday, I feel okay. I recognized why I wanted to eat, I shared my anxiety with T before we went to the dinner (he said, "I like how you look honey" -- sweet man), and even though I did eat, I didn't continue with out of control behavior at the brunch on Sunday.

the good and the bad

Well, Saturday evening wasn't so great. I felt panicked about being tempted to eat a pretzel. For pete's sake when will I learn that attempting to restrict my food intake only leads to bingeing! No, I didn't binge. But I grabbed some leftovers and ate them on the way to the movies. It wasn't exactly a satisfactory dinner. At the movies I ate some of T's popcorn, the rest of C's M&Ms, and I really wanted ice cream for some reason. We didn't have any at home, but when we got home I ate an ice cream sandwich with chocolate sauce and whipped cream on it. Then I ate something else (I can't remember exactly what but it wasn't anything too horrible). Then I told myself I was being an idiot and went to bed. I should have just planned to eat the damned pretzel -- I would have avoided the deprived feeling and been fine. Live and learn, live and learn.

Sunday was okay as far as I remember. I did eat dinner slowly, though I still ate a bit too much. Still working on that. Yesterday I got home from work and R told me they had gotten me a surprise. They had gone to Cheshire for lunch (my FAVORITE place for ice cream because they make it themselves and have hot fudge sauce that tastes just like Grandma S's!) and had brought me home a HUGE chocolate malt. They drew a heart on the cup and wrote "for mommy because we love you sooooo much! from daddy and R". My first thought was dismay -- oh, the calories! I caught myself immediately. I was really hungry and knew it would be a while till dinner was ready, so I split the malt three ways and shared it with the girls. It was delicious and guilt-free. I ate my very small piece of potato pizza slowly and mindfully. I was too full for anything else. Ahem...except that I shoved in another very small piece while putting away the leftovers. Ay yi yi.

Today after PT I went to breakfast with Aunt Peg. I ate my entire omelette, piece of toast, and half the cinnamon roll. I was quite full. But I didn't panic -- just waited until I was hungry again to eat. That wasn't until 4:50pm! Amazing when you really pay attention to your body.

I am dying to weigh myself. I keep telling myself that my pants fit the same so I haven't lost any weight, but I feel skinnier. Maybe it's just because I feel so much better about everything. I think I'll wait til next Tuesday and hop on. I will NOT let the number bother me, no matter what it is. I can't let this become about weight.

I feel good!

I went to see Lisa (therapist) yesterday and she was very pleased with my progress. I told her that I finally got it through my thick head that no one was going to wave a magic wand over me and take away my compulsion to eat. I actually need to do the work myself to heal. I gave her my description of what my eating would look like if it were "normal" and she gave me the suggestion to reframe it more positively. One of the things I wrote was "I wouldn't think about food first thing in the morning, last thing at night, during church, etc". She said to rewrite it, saying when I would think about food.

She also suggested that rather than trying to force myself not to think about food, that I consciously think about something else. I said that I picture a STOP sign, but it doesn't always work. She said, as an example, that if I'm in church I should think, "Hmm..what is the priest saying? What does that mean? How does that relate to my lfe?" so that I give my mind something else to contemplate.

I told her that the Managing Your Moods class has really helped me day to day, being able to recognize and stop negative thoughts and attitudes. I don't know if that's why I haven't had a strong urge to binge or not.

Yesterday I was tempted to eat (day off) but kept asking myself why? and what did I need to do instead? I ended up being able to relax and watch an episode of "Gray's Anatomy" on DVD, do some reading, & bake some cookies (and only ate 1 1/2 & no dough!). I had gone to breakfast and ate the two pieces of toast, the Egg Beaters, and only a couple of bites of hash browns before I was stuffed. I took the rest home. I felt a bit odd making and giving the girls lunch and not eating myself, but I wasn't the slightest bit hungry until almost 3pm. So I waited until then to eat lunch. At dinner, I definitely overate. I took too big a portion. I didn't eat it all, but ate until I felt very full. I ate too fast, as usual. So my goal for this week is to eat more slowly at dinner, putting my fork down between bites if I have to.

Tonight will be hard -- right after I get off work we're going to see Ice Age 2. I won't have eaten dinner and I don't really want to eat theatre food. I ate a bowl of vegetable soup an hour ago, and grabbed a Pria bar to take. Hopefully I can hold off til I get home and eat some real, nutritious food for dinner. But if I'm too hungry and eat a pretzel, so what. That doesn't mean I have to eat more when I get home, it doesn't mean I have to cut back tomorrow, and it doesn't mean I am a failure, right?

There would be a skip in my step today

There would be a skip in my step today -- if I could skip yet.

I went to PT this morning and had my hardest session ever -- almost a full hour. I went 11 minutes forward on the elliptical, 5 minutes backward, 6 minutes backward on the treadmill at an incline (more directly works the muscle on my leg that's the weakest apparently), and then half an hour of working my legs with the weights. Whew! I felt so good when I left. My knee is rather sore now, but I've been wearing a brace for the past few days and it really helps with the soreness.

I feel as though I'm really getting a handle on being able to pause and stop myself when I am tempted to reach for food when I'm not hungry. I've done it several times in the past couple of weeks. BUT my impulses have been mild. I haven't been hit with one of those strong, out of control needs to eat for a couple of weeks.I still eat too much at dinner, but I don't beat myself up over it. I know that's one of the last things to master. For the most part I don't eat over a 5 at breakfast or lunch, but probably eat to a 7 at dinner. Then I'm almost always tempted to eat more, but have been able to ask myself what it is I really need or want and then go do that.

Doing well

So, I have eaten like a "normal" person for four days now -- no overeating, no bingeing, and allowing myself to eat when hungry (for the most part). Even on the weekend, though I had a small issue with some cookies I made, I didn't allow "last supper" syndrome to take effect. I waited until I was hungry again to eat and didn't take it as permission to binge. So my last real binge was a week ago yesterday.

I'm eating very small portions at meals, but leave the table satisfied. I have been tempted several times to eat foods that aren't so healthy, but have decided that I wasn't really craving them or wasn't truly physically hungry. The thing is that it's fairly easy to resist things if I'm not hungry and haven't been craving them. It's when I get blindsided by the urge to EAT and EAT NOW! (even though I'm not hungry) that I can't seem to resist. I'm sort of waiting for one of those urges to hit. I've been trying to visualize it happening and me setting the timer for 15 minutes and sitting with my feelings, seeing what comes up, and resisting the food. Hopefully, my visualization will become reality. I feel as though I just need ONE victory over the urge -- to know I can do it. Then the next time will conceivably be easier.

I ate a cupcake after lunch yesterday when I wasn't hungry anymore. I didn't feel guilty, but thought perhaps I should have waited until I was hungry again to eat it. It didn't taste all that great. I had some chocolate ice cream after dinner on Monday and again, wasn't hungry anymore before I ate it. However, the ice cream tasted fabulous. I suppose if I want dessert I should eat even smaller portions so that I'm still a bit hungry.

I feel good, but worry that I'm "dieting". I just finished a book called "Life Inside the Thin Cage" by a woman who was a chronic dieter. It was mainly aimed at women who are not quite anorexic and need to gain some weight, but much of the mindset was the same as a compulsive eater. I find it a bit depressing that all of these books by people who've recovered from eating disorders all say the same thing. These people crave healthy food and don't like sugar and white flour much anymore. Now, I love healthy food. I eat fruits and veggies every day -- probably more than the 9 servings one is supposed to eat. I like chicken breast, yogurt, etc. BUT I also love french fries, cheesecake, chocolate chip cookies, Cheetos, and the like. I can resist them yes, but I can't imagine going to a restaurant, opening the menu, and not wanting to order french fries and a hot fudge brownie sundae. I know I can have them and just stop eating when full, but if I eat them all the time, I certainly won't be healthy, let alone lose any weight.

Celebrate!

I saw Dr M yesterday, who was thrilled to tell me I had gained an entire inch of muscle on my leg since my last visit. What a difference PT has made!

I've been riding my bike -- trying for 3 times a week, 20-25 minutes on level 3, and the rest on level 2. Whoa, is my knee sore afterward. But I've been icing it and Dr M said to take Alieve to keep the swelling down. Today at PT I used the elliptical for the first time -- 5 min forward and 5 backward. My leg was really tired by the time I was done with everything. Hopefully that means more muscle building is going on!

My eating has been so-so. Still eating too much overall -- tight pants today. I had a mini-binge on Saturday night with a couple of frosted homemade brownies. I asked myself "what is it I want these brownies to do for me?" and the answer was to procrastinate putting the girls to bed. T was out playing bball. I knew I'd have to put them to bed no matter what, so I threw the rest of the brownies down the disposal (they weren't all that great anyway) and went upstairs.

same old, same old

Ay yi yi. I'm still having a problem overeating in the evening, right after dinner. Last night I got home and I was soooo HUNGRY! I can't figure out how to solve that problem. I get hungry in the afternoon and have a snack, but by the time I get home at 5:15pm I am so hungry I end up gobbling my dinner like a starving woman and looking around for more. Last night I had some lettuce with dressing, a piece of pumpkin bread, a few soy crisps, and a few strawberries while I was making dinner. I was still so hungry I scarfed down my pancakes like someone was going to steal them from me. I was no longer hungry, and ate a girl scout cookie & a little pudding cup for dessert. Then T went out to get the mail and I promptly grabbed C's plate (she was done) and shoveled in the rest of her pancake. WTH?

I think what I absolutely, positively NEED to do is break this habit. As SOON as we're done with dinner I need to get up and LEAVE the eating area. LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE!!! As Sheryl at normaleating.com points out, compulsive eating is an addiction -- not an addiction to food, but an addiction to the act of bingeing or overeating. I need to start creating new patterns to break the addiction. Tonight I have my first "Managing Your Moods" class, and Friday is craft night at Michelle's mom's house (ugh, food fest), but Saturday -- a new approach. Stay tuned...

normal eating

I just finished the book "Losing It" by Laurie Fraser, which is a fascinating look at the dieting industry and sort of an expose of how all they want is to make money, etc. Anyway, she had a description from Ellyn Satter of normal eating that I thought was good:

Normal eating is being able to eat when you are hungry and continue eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it -- not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to use some moderate constraint on your food selection to get the right food, but not being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad, or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at time; feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your life and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food, and your feelings.

It sounds so simple, doesn't it?

the importance of the pause

Someone on the conscious eaters list reminded me of the importance of the pause when I posted about trying to do something different. She wrote:

When you have the urge to eat when not hungry, delay acting on this impulse for at least 15 minutes. The best way to spend these 15 minutes is in quiet inward reflection with your eyes closed because this is when you will get the greatest insights into yourself, but even if you spend the pause running around in circles in the kitchen, you must pause.I'm reading a really great book called "First Things First" by Stephen Covey (author of "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People"). I was very interested to see that he also made a big point of the importance of pausing between impulse and action, and he wasn't talking about anything related to eating. He identified it as a core skill needed for individual growth and development, for becoming a better person.You don't go from acting instantly on the impulse to eat, to never acting on non-hunger eating urges in a binary way with nothing in between. Children learn to crawl before they learn to walk. You learn to not act on non-hunger eating urges bit by bit, and the very first step is to pause. If you can't pause, you can't forego acting on the urge at all. You have to pause before you can stop.You must pause between non-hunger eating urges. It's possible - anyone can make the decision to wait 15 minutes before acting on the urge to eat, and when you do, you exercise a "muscle" that, in the future, will allow you to stop acting on these impulses altogether.

Don't be so sure that you fully understand the reasons behind your non-hunger eating. A primary reason that people eat when they feel upset is to avoid full knowledge of what is upsetting them - it's a huge distraction.It's easy to say you eat, for example, because your co-workers are bothering you, but that's not the whole story. The feelings that are triggered inside you by another's behavior are all yours, and are based on many factors - often originating in old issues that you haven't fully resolved. There's an expression from the recovery world that expresses this well: "If it's hysterical, it's historical." If someone is doing something that really gets to you, it's probably pushing a button.It's not enough to know that your co-workers (for example) are pushing a button. You need to know what the button is. It's the "button" (so to speak) that you need to surface and deal with. This could be profound self-doubt, discomfort with your own anger, or any number of other things. That's the level of "why" you need to get to to resolve this.It doesn't sound like you are sitting with the feelings when you have the urge to eat when not hungry - allowing a pause between impulse and action. Are you? You need to sit quietly, as I wrote to Emma in a previous message, and see what comes up. Allowing a pause between impulse and action is absolutely crucial to recovery in Normal Eating.(1) It's the first step towards not eating when you're not hungry, and(2) It's the time of discomfort when you will get the most important insights into what's really going on with you. As soon as you act on the impulse, the underlying causes become much harder to access.Pausing is crucial!! The first "reason" that pops into your mind is almost surely not the whole story. If it were, you wouldn't still have the urge to eat with the same intensity, because one of the main reasons for wanting to eat - to hide from the real reason - would be gone.

So, the next time I feel the urge to eat when I'm not hungry, I am going to pause -- sit or lie down with my eyes closed for 15 minutes and just see what comes up. Last night was great -- I had a small shredded beef bbq on a bun, a very small bit of cole slaw, some grapes, and a very small dish of pumpkin pudding with fat free whipped topping. I was satisfied -- not too full. Okay, well I still was tempted to eat more, but didn't. I was hungry by 9 o'clock, so had a 100-calorie bag of popcorn -- not because it was 100 calories, but because I was honestly craving popcorn. It tasted sooo good! I was actually still hungry after that, but went to bed.

don't worry mom...

Awww, my little R is so sweet. I was gazing longingly at a catalog of exercise DVDs from collagevideo.com last night and she asked if I'd ordered anything from it. I said, "Not recently, but the exercise DVDs I used to do came from this company" and I kind of sighed. She said, "Don't worry mom -- by next Christmas you'll be able to do your aerobics again and you'll be back in shape in no time!"

Last night was okay -- I think because I was conscious that Wednesday is a problem night and determined not to let it be a problem this week. I made Pierogies for the girls (no meat on Ash Wednesday) and a veggie burger on a low-cal bun for me with strawberries and yogurt for all 3 of us. Of course, I would have been fine with my own dinner, but ate the rest of C's yogurt & fruit, one of her Pierogies, and some pumpkin pudding with fat-free whipped topping. Then I felt really full and a bit panicky. I kept telling myself it was OKAY. I kept busy doing dishes, putting laundry away, and cleaning while the girls had their dessert (which oddly was goldfish crackers and a 100-calorie pkg of peanut butter crisps -- faux cookies). I did have a few crisps and a couple of goldfish, but kept reminding myself that eating more would only make me feel worse. FINALLY they were done and we went upstairs for baths and reading. When T got home I did go back down to read the paper with him, but honestly didn't feel tempted by his can of Pringles. I was actually physically hungry by the time I finally fell asleep at 11pm or so, but of course wasn't about to go eat that late.

Today I was again reminded of two of my "rules". I let myself get too hungry before lunch (I was doing storytime so I was too busy to eat a snack -- and had eaten a Lean Cuisine Panini for breakfast, so didn't think I should be hungry) and I let myself get too full. I ate my leftover enchilada casserole and rice I'd brought, cut a piece of the cream cheese danish coffee cake someone brought (and ate it even after tasting it and finding it wasn't all that great), ate a peanut butter cookie that wasn't all that great, AND ate the yogurt and fruit that was to be my mid-afternoon snack. By the time I realized I didn't want that much food I was really, really full. I let my anxiety get the better of me for a few minutes and ate a small piece of applesauce bread from the breakroom. Then I regained my senses and thought "oh well, it's done, and maybe now I won't get hungry for an afternoon snack".

I had the alarm set to get up and ride my exercise bike this morning, even though I have PT this afternoon. My knee was hurting so much last night I almost took some Vicodin. I couldn't fall asleep and couldn't stay asleep, so I turned the alarm off after C got into bed with us just before T got up at 4:30am. I will try to ride tonight though. I don't honestly know that it's doing any good -- PT guy Jason told me not to increase the tension unless I can still ride at 80 rpm. That's darn fast -- at level 2 I can barely keep it in the upper 70s. But I don't feel like I'm really getting a workout. I'm a bit breathless and break out into a very light sweat, but nothing like when I used to do step aerobics.

I was so tempted to weigh myself this morning, but resisted. It's just a number. My pants aren't falling off me or too small to zip, and whatever the number is, knowing it is never a good thing for me. I want to immediately run to the kitchen if I've gained two pounds or if I've lost two pounds. I'm not sure I'll ever weigh myself again.

life is good

I feel on a pretty even keel this week. I've been trying to concentrate more on working while at work, feeling that fooling around on the computer leads to guilt, which leads to eating. Last night I had brief "what the heck" binge thoughts on the way home from work. Tuesdays are always a problem for me. Working 11:45-8:15 just screws up my eating, no matter what I've tried so far. I need to keep trying new things, I guess. Anyway, I was hungry on the way home and wavered on whether to eat or not. I really had already eaten what I'd consider a full compliment of food for the day. I had bingey thoughts. When I got home, I decided to have a smallish snack. Luckily, while I was starting to eat, R came downstairs and started talking to me. I thought "DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!" and grabbed the paper and went upstairs with her. After my snack I was still a little bit hungry, but didn't really want to eat more (being 9pm and --okay -- feeling that I "shouldn't") so I just went to bed.

I'm feeling apprehensive about tonight -- Wednesday is another problem day for me when T goes to basketball. I'm trying to decide whether or not to take the girls to church for Ash Wednesday services. They really need a bath and I'm not sure we'd have time for both, but R asked me yesterday if we were going and said she really wanted to. How can you not take your child to church when she wants to go? Maybe we'd have time for a short bath after church.

do something different

I saw the therapist for the second time yesterday. When I mentioned that I just couldn't figure out WHY I binged or ate when I wasn't hungry, she said that it's not necessary to always try and figure out why. You just have to change the behavior. So, if the time after dinner is always a problem for me, I need to change the pattern. Instead of sitting around at the bar in the kitchen or at the dining room table reading the paper, I need to leave the room and do something different. I can't wait until the urge to binge strikes and then try to force myself not to eat -- rather I need to live "as if" -- as if I'll feel the urge every day -- and figure out how to head it off. I need to not put myself in trigger situations. It sounds so simple. I made cookies today. They were small and after I ate two, I told myself to do something different. So I left the room and foudn something else to do. It worked! The urge to eat more passed.

She also asked me to write out a detailed description of how my relationship with food would look if it were "normal". What would I be doing, what would I be eating, what would I be feeling, etc. So I need to start working on that.

day two of logging

It was interesting yesterday to log my food intake, along with my feelings and thoughts before and after eating. It's HARD to figure out what my thoughts and feelings ARE -- most of the time I just felt "hungry". I suppose that's because yesterday wasn't a day I felt a huge urge to binge. When I got home from work I did feel the urge, but I was physically hungry also. I ate a Kashi bar with a bit of peanut butter on it. I was still hungry and then ate about 6 cups of Sun Chips. It wasn't exactly mindful eating -- I was standing up and shoving them in, but I stopped there and didn't go into a full-blown binge.

A few things I've learned about myself over the past few weeks about my binge triggers:
I can't let myself get too hungry before I eat
I can't let myself get too full when I eat
I HAVE to get out of the kitchen when I feel the urge
I need to stop procrastinating and just DO whatever it is I need to do
I have to have a specific plan for what to do when I feel anxious or am in one of the above situations

I also have been thinking that I need to remind myself that just because I can have any food whenever I want it, that doesn't mean I should always eat it. It's just common sense that eating healthful foods will be better than eating crap all the time. During the legalizing stage, Evelyn Tribole and Geneen Roth recommend having lots of your previously forbidden foods around. BUT then I think they become beckoners for me. There's a big difference between longing for ice cream for days and then eating some and enjoying it and eating some just because it's in your freezer. I think for me, it would be better to wait until I have a real, true craving and then go buy the food, rather than have the cupboards full of stuff that will jump out at me when I open the cupboard door. Then I constantly second guess myself -- do I really want a Pop Tart or do I just want one because I saw the box?

the real work starts

Yesterday was disastrous. I didn't binge, exactly. It was more of a foodfest from breakfast til bedtime. I ate a normal breakfast and took some soy crisps and a Kashi bar with me to our inservice day. They gave us a snack baggie with animal crackers, peanuts, a bag of M&Ms, and a blow-pop in it. I skipped the large breakfast spread (wasn't hungry -- had just eaten). At the first breakout session I was hungry. I ate my soy crisps & Kashi bar. I still felt hungry -- ate half my peanuts and all of my animal crackers (which weren't very good). I even ate some M&Ms. Picked up a Little Debbie frosted brownie -- you know, the kind that isn't worth the calories. I was full, but not stuffed.

At lunch I had a turkey breast sandwich on a kaiser roll, about 5 Terra Chips, and some fresh fruit. I was full, but not stuffed. After the afternoon session, I picked up two cookies at snack time and ate them. I wasn't hungry and felt quite full afterward. I then ate the rest of my M&Ms, the rest of my peanuts, and my blow-pop. I felt reallllly full and promised myself I wouldn't eat dinner if I wasn't hungry. I went home and ate a dinner roll, some chicken breast, a piece of garlic bread, some salad, a chocolate chip cookie, and a small dish of ice cream. I was very full, but really not stuffed. I rode my exercise bike. While T was putting the girls to bed, I read the paper. I proceeded to eat about 5 or 6 more chocolate chip cookies. I wanted more, but stopped myself and went upstairs.

Sooooooo -- today I started logging my food on the food log from normaleating.com. I resisted, telling myself that it was too much like dieting, but I think that was just an excuse. I need to check in with my feelings before I eat, and this will force me to do so. I simply have to start doing the work. No healing is going to magically take place without some real work on my part. This can't simply be the "eat when hungry diet".

progress, not perfection

So far, my list of things I enjoy:
walking
cooking
eating (ha ha)
scrapbooking
reading
rubber stamping
going to the movies
gardening
ice skating
reading blogs
bicycling
playing cards

that's it so far. I can say that some of these aren't really things I enjoy as much as I enjoy the results -- gardening isn't fun, but I like seeing the flowers and nice yard that come of doing it. Cooking -- is it fun, or do I just like hearing people say "mmmm... this is yummy!" I can't walk, bike, or ice skate til my leg heals. I can't scrapbook or rubber stamp until I get the stuff unpacked after our move. So I guess I'd better get unpacking.

Someone posted this on the normaleating.com bb and it definitely resonated with me:

"I'd like to also add that all of my cravings for food that would constitute disordered eating are linked to one of two things and only these two things:
1. I am not expressing something that needs to be expressed.
i.e. Mad about something and not talking about it
Excited about something and not sharing it with another person
Sad about something, but not taking time to just sit and be sad without having to rush around and fix the sad.
Remembering stuff that I am trying to forget (which needs to be remembered and expressed) OR
2. I'm not taking care of meeting my needs.
i.e. like staying up late cause I don't want to miss out on anything and not getting sleep working too many hours and not taking time to play with play-doh
not getting enough hugs
not taking appropriate breaks
So the way I FLEX my EMOTIONAL MUSCLE is by finding a way to either EXPRESS what needs to be expressed, or find other non-food related solutions to getting my needs met. By the way expressing emotions doesn't always mean I'm a crying-teddy-bear-clinging-thumb-sucking-bundle-o-emotions. Some times expressing myself means playing the piano, drawing, dancing, doing my karate, writing in the Forums here with y'all. it can take many many creative forms. There are lots of outlets for self-expression."

I have definitely realized that my emotional eating mainly stems from boredom, procrastination, frustration/anger, loneliness. I can fix the first two easily -- by entertaining myself and -- for pete's sake, just buckling down and doing what needs to be done. I so often overeat when T is gone and I'm alone with the girls. I shouldn't be lonely or feel stressed -- I'm a good mom and I'm perfectly capable of taking care of them alone. I'm just lazy about doing fun things with them. I need to get over that -- they're only little once and I remember feeling so excited every time my parents would play with us.

I took R to see "Hoodwinked" on Friday -- clever movie for older kids. C definitely wouldn't have appreciated the humor. I was unpacking sb stuff before hopping on the computer. I made chocolate chip cookies this morning and one (admittedly large) one was enough. Then I ate one after lunch too -- procrastinating coming down here to unpack. I don't feel tempted to run up and eat the whole container of them, however. Progress, not perfection.

an odd realization

I almost always have problems with late afternoon and evening -- overeating and bingeing. Any time I binge, it's almost always after dinner and if I overeat at a meal, it's almost always dinner.

I think part of it is that I'm almost always STARVING by the time dinner is ready. I'm not sure how to help this problem. I've tried eating a snack if I get hungry in the afternoon, but sometimes I'm not hungry until 4 or 4:30pm, and I can't usually take a break then. Yesterday I ate some yogurt, fruit, and flaxseed meal at 5:30pm, thinking that would tide me over, but I was so hungry by the time I got home that I ate a dozen of my kids' french fries before I got my salad ready to eat. Then, in spite of being full, I kept eating until I was quite overfull -- a Pop Tart, some pie, some potato chips, some ice cream (all junk food, you'll notice). Then I felt icky and sort of bewildered as to why on earth I do this to myself.

Anyway, besides that issue, I realized that I often don't want dinner to end. I think for me, it signals that it's almost bedtime (we usually are upstairs putting our girls to bed shortly after 8pm and stay upstairs, going to bed around 9 -- dh gets up for work at 4:30 and I get up at 5:30 to exercise). Bedtime means an end to the day and I'm never ready for that. I rarely feel as though I did anything constructive or fun and I get down that life is flying by. I do work full time, which, though you could say is constructive, I don't LOVE my job. To be perfectly honest, I wish I didn't have to work -- or at least not full time. I guess life just seems a repetitive grind to me and eating both puts off going to bed and adds some excitement.

We don't usually do anything fun in the evenings. After dinner and dishes, we usually only have 30 minutes or so til the girls' bedtimes. We read the paper, open the mail, and poof! It's 8pm. Of course, none of this navel gazing would explain why I have trouble staying out of the kitchen on Saturdays. I suppose that I need to start doing fun things for myself. I guess I KNOW that, but I'm having difficulty putting it into practice. My current excuse is that it's very difficult to do anything with my leg still hurting as much as it does (not an untrue excuse). The honest truth is that I have always felt horrible guilt whenever I do something that takes away from my family.

It doesn't help that my dh has confided that though he realizes I need to have a life away from them, he feels very stressed out by taking care of the girls by himself. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I think I will put a smallish plan into action. Each weeknight I will make the effort to either do something directly with the girls (play a game, etc) or do something I enjoy. On the weekends I will do at least one thing just for myself -- one thing -- at least once during the weekend.

catching up

I took my girls to see the movie "Curious George" last Friday. It was okay – they, of course, loved it. C giggled every time George did something cute. It was fun to listen to her. At every preview, R asked, "Mom, can we go see that movie?"

On Saturday T and I went out to eat – to Smokey Bones. YUM! I had pulled pork BBQ and it was soooo delicious! Tim had pork and brisket and said it was a tie between that and the pork as to which was better. Mmmmm…nothing like good BBQ. After dinner we went downtown to the museum to see the light show. They have three – 2 Pink Floyd and one Radiohead. We saw the Radiohead show – the CD "OK Computer". The Pink Floyd ones are laser light shows, but the Radiohead one is just a lot of pictures and computer-generated images. It was good, but some of it made me dizzy and I had to close my eyes. The music was good though.

I had PT again yesterday. I laid there tensing and relaxing my muscle with the biofeedback machine on (woo hoo…not too exciting). I had to do some leg extensions, which hurt my knee – not to mention the horrible crunching noise you can hear when I do them. Then they put me on a treadmill going backward at about .9 mph at an incline. Then I got on the exercise bike for 5 minutes. I told her I’d just ridden my exercise bike at home that morning for 30 minutes, but she just nodded and ignored me. Maybe she didn’t believe me, who knows? Finally, they iced my knee with a machine that has a big ace-bandage looking thing. It gets really, really cold. So, all in all, not too thrilling.

I just hope it works. I’m sick of walking with a cane. People stare at me and I feel very self-conscious. But I will say it’s not as bad as when I had to use a walker before I could put weight on it. Good grief – I felt about 95 years old and people REALLY stared at me then! The wheelchair was the worst – people didn’t even look at me. We went to R’s school open house and people who would have known me from the library didn’t even look at me long enough to see that they knew me! It’s funny – I guess they don’t want to stare, but I ended up feeling rather invisible yet like the "elephant in the room", if you know what I mean.

So, today is Valentine’s Day. I work until 8:15pm on Tuesday nights, so T took the morning off to spend it with me. We went to breakfast. I must say I love thick sourdough toast. He gave me some roses and a card. I gave him a card and a shirt that said something about the Seahawks being league champions. He seemed to like it. Then I came to work and they had cupcakes, chocolate, cake, cookies…it’s like a foodfest around here. T told me Ryan was taking his wife out to dinner and having flowers sent to the restaurant – for $66!! Sheesh – that’s a lot of $$$$ for something that will only live a week at most.

My doctor is sending me to a class on relieving stress. Now, why would he think I’m under stress? I hope it’s a good class. Last spring he sent me to a class on lowering your cholesterol and I could have taught the class. In fact, the teacher made some statements that were just plain wrong and I bit my lip to avoid correcting her.

T and I watched the Russell Crowe boxing movie, "Cinderella Man" the other night. It was pretty good, though it was heavy on the boxing, light on the storyline for the second half. The boxing sure was gory though – I had to close my eyes during several scenes. I don’t get boxing as a sport. How can it be entertaining to see two guys sock each other silly? I know lots of people like it though, so what do I know?

This Friday is the daddy/daughter dance at school. T and R are going to go out to dinner with his best friend Chad and his daughter Megan and then go to the dance together. We can buy ridiculously overpriced pictures (just like prom!) too. I’m sure she’ll have a great time. I, meanwhile, will stay home with the little one. I invited my parents over for dinner – haven’t seen them much since Christmas. Bad daughter.

So I haven't binged since seeing the therapist, but I've definitely overeaten at several meals or on several days. I'm trying hard not to have the "last supper" mentality. That Pop Tart/piece of chocolate/ice cream will really, honestly still be there tomorrow -- and if I can eat it whenever I want, I don't have to eat it all now, right? Evenings are hardest for me. It's almost like I don't want dinner to end because that would mean it's almost bedtime and the day is almost over and I haven't done anything fun or meaningful...day after day after day. Then again, weekends are hard too and I can do whatever I want all day. Hmm... I will have to ponder this more.