It's Only Food

Our euchre party is tonight and I'm kind of nervous. We have 10 couples coming (!) so someone out there likes us (We invited 12). I should get off the computer and take a shower -- I have to go buy beer and stuff -- and run to the library for the new Harry Potter book. We got our copies yesterday at the library, but I refrained from doing more than taking one out and looking at the cover. I didn't even open it (patting self on back). T and I were 13 and 14 on the hold list, so I'm sure we'll get one of the copies when they check them in to trigger the holds. I ordered one from Amazon too, but with three of us fighting over it, I thought we'd need more than one copy.

I haven't weighed myself, but my wedding ring once again slides easily on and off my finger. Whew! I've been eating in a "low GI" manner for almost two weeks and I feel really good. I'm definitely on a more even keel emotionally, and even though my period is due to start in a couple of days, I feel normal -- not like the usual cranky woman I usually am at this "time of the month". I'm keeping a close eye on my "diety" thoughts and avoiding any of the strange behaviors I had problems with the last time I lost weight. Last night we went to a shower and I started feeling anxious about the food. I reminded myself that I was going to eat away from home a thousand more times and I'd have to cope. It's only food and can't attack me. It was fine. I skipped the stuff I don't love (store bought potato salad & cole slaw), ate slowly, had small helpings (too small in fact -- I was hungry by the time we got home at 9pm and ate a NS snack), and only a few bites of cake.

The Nutrisystem food is okay. It definitely doesn't measure up to my cooking, but after jazzing it up with spices, hot sauce, etc. it's all right. There hasn't been anything terribly icky yet. I'm thinking that these women on the NS message boards who are "so full" and "having trouble eating all the food" and are "never hungry" are COMPLETELY INSANE! Yes, I am pleasantly full after each meal, but I'm quite hungry again within 2-3 hours of breakfast and lunch. I'm going to have to change something because I wake up ravenous, eat breakfast after walking the dog (around 5:45am or so) and I am so hungry by 10am that all I can think about from then until lunch (at 1pm) is FOOD. That's just not right -- and I don't want to end up an obsessed binge queen again. With NS you do add protein to each meal, so I think I'll try taking a break late morning and eating a small snack to see if that helps.

All right -- off the showers with me!

Feeling Good! (and another recipe)

My SIL made this recipe from Cooking Light three years ago at our family reunion. I never made it at home until a few days ago, and boy is it good!

Chicken and Noodles with Peanut Sauce

5 oz Japanese curly soba noodles (chucka soba) – though I think you could use angelhair pasta
½ c low-sodium chicken broth
1/3 c hoisin sauce
¼ cup creamy peanut butter
2 T rice vinegar
2 T catsup
¼ tsp crushed red pepper flakes
2 T dark sesame oil
1 lb chicken tenders
1 ½ cups red bell pepper strips
1 T bottled ginger
1 tsp minced garlic
½ cup minced green onions

Cook noodles according to package directions and drain.
Combine broth and next 5 ingredients (through red pepper) in a bowl; stir well with a whisk.
Heat 1 tsp oil in large skillet over med-high heat. Add chicken; saute 4 minute Add bell pepper; saute 3 minute Remove from heat. Combine chicken and noodles in large bowl.
Heat 1 tsp oil in pan over medium heat. Add ginger and garlic; cook 15 seconds. Stir in broth mixture; cook 30 seconds, stirring constantly.
Pour broth mixture over noodles, add 1/4 cup green onions and toss well.
Sprinkle with 1/4 cup green onions and serve.

5 1-cup serivings: CALORIES 353(28% from fat); FAT 10.9g (sat 2g,mono 4.3g,poly 3.1g); PROTEIN 28.5g; CHOLESTEROL 53mg; CALCIUM 21mg; SODIUM 663mg; FIBER 2.3g; IRON 1.5mg; CARBOHYDRATE 36g
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For the past 9 days I've been trying to eat carefully -- less sugar (hardly any dessert), and trying to keep my calorie intake below 1800. I've succeeded for the most part and I feel less crabby. I haven't been ravenous either. When coworkers have brought treats that look irresistable, I've cut a tiny piece (2-3 bites) and savored it -- and been okay with that.

I've been reading up on a low GI diet and it sounds doable for me. I really, really don't want to "go on a diet", yet I really, really want to lower my cholesterol without medication. So, I'm in. I decided to start with a couple of months of Nutrisystem to get me used to eating a low GI diet without having to think about it much. I feel like a big betrayer of my IE sisters, but I need to do what's best for my health and obviously eating less -- and less saturated fat -- IS what my body needs. I got my first shipment of food last night and it doesn't look too bad. The calorie intake is way too low -- 1100-1300 a day or so. Mine will be higher. For one thing, I can't stand the thought of eating yogurt with artificial sweetener, so I'll eat my regular Stoneyfield lowfat yogurt. I refuse to plan my life around food, so I will still be eating out at restaurants and other people's houses (and not bringing my own food, for heaven's sake), and eating a few bites of coworkers' treats. I refused to go to bed feeling ravenously hungry. I'm going to keep a close eye on my diety thoughts and not let this overtake my life.

I thought about what on earth I was going to tell my girls. I definitely did not want to tell them I was on a diet. In the end, I told them that my doctor told me I had to start eating differently to lower my cholesterol and that this special food would help me for a couple of months until I got the hang of it. They seemed to have a "whatever" attitude.

Dinner is served -- a recipe

I made this last night and it was quite delish! I have no idea what the nutritional info is -- recipezaar says about 400-some calories per serving but they say it's 6 servings and they use sour cream and 2 full cups of regular cheese. I used lowfat plain yogurt and only 1 cup of cheese -- and we had five at dinner but only ate half the casserole. I'd say it's more like 8 servings.

It looked a bit time-consuming, so I made the rice the night before and stuck it in the fridge. I also mixed up the other ingredients (except the onions & olives) and put it in a bowl in the fridge too. Then I just combined it all and put it in the oven the next evening.

Southwest Vegetarian Bake

3/4 cup brown rice, uncooked
1 1/2 cups water
1 (15 ounce) can black beans, rinsed and drained
1 (11 ounce) can mexicorn, drained
1 (10 ounce) can Ro-tel
1 cup salsa
1 cup lowfat plain yogurt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/2 cup chopped red onions
1 (2 1/4 ounce) can sliced black olives, drained
1 cup shredded Mexican blend cheese

In a large saucepan, bring rice and water to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 35-40 minutes, until tender.

In a bowl, combine beans, corn, tomatoes, salsa, yogurt, cheese, pepper and rice.

Transfer to a 2 1/2 quart baking dish coated with nonstick spray. Sprinkle onions and olives over top.

Bake, uncovered, at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.

Let stand 10 miutes.

Getting a Life

As I mentioned a few entries back, one thing I KNOW I need to do is come out of my shell a bit, reach out to people, and quit hibernating. T and I have been talking about having a card party for the past couple of years. Since I am usually the "organizer of us", I've conveniently never gotten around to actually having the party. It's not that I don't enjoy socializing. I do enjoy it -- while also finding it torturous in some ways (am I the fattest woman here? are my clothes too matronly? do I look way older than all these women? is my arm flab obvious?). When I was skinny, I found it torturous in other ways (am I the fattest woman here? are my clothes too matronly? do I look way older than all these women? why, oh why do they have to have so much food?!?).

I find hosting gatherings especially stressful. Even after two years our house isn't really decorated, and I see the flaws everywhere I look (hmm...kind of like my body?!). The sensible part of me knows that people do not come to your house because you have great curtains, nice artwork on the walls, or an especially clean floor. Seeing my MIL in action taught me that. Their house used to be REALLY shabby -- curtains practically in tatters, throws on all of the furniture because the upholstery was so worn, and carpet stained and threadbare. She isn't even a very good cook. Yet she never hesitated to invite someone to dinner or host a party for the extended family. She is very secure in the knowledge that people enjoy her -- not her house.

Anyway, T finally said, "Okay, let's pick a date and have a euchre party". I said okay and chose July 21. I still had an escape route because we didn't have any invitations. Lo and behold I came home from work last Wednesday to find T at the computer making up a flyer. EEEK! We delivered them to about 10 couples in the neighborhood. So far no one has called to RSVP. I'm already nervous.

In other news, we went out to dinner last night at a restaurant not known for its healthy food. I had looked up the menu online and decided to order baked chicken, a plain sweet potato, and green beans. As the afternoon wore on, I could feel myself weakening (as I amost always do), especially as I grew hungrier. We got to the restaurant and I briefly had a mental fling with the french fries, but stuck to my original choice (except for the green beans which were swimming in some disgusting sauce complete with bacon bits -- got a salad instead). I didn't finish my dinner and was really full. We went to my inlaws afterward for ice cream and O Henry Bars (some odd bar cookie with oatmeal, peanut butter, corn syrup, and chocolate beloved by all of T's family). I wasn't really even tempted to eat any. I was quite full and decided my cholesterol would thank me. One day down....forty years to go.

THE VERY LAST STRAW!

No -- not my dad. We had breakfast with him yesterday and he actually agreed to give up two of his four cats so that his current house doesn't get as disgusting as his old house did.

No, the last straw is that I have gained so much weight I can't get my wedding ring on or off without a struggle. I weighed 172 this morning. I'm kind of appalled - 10 lbs below my highest weight ever (well, not counting the 199 I weighed when pregnant with R). I have to lose weight. Well, no I don't HAVE to. I could get my ring made larger, buy larger clothing, and go on medication for my cholesterol. That option isn't too appealing.

I found out recently that my cholesterol is high for the third year in a row. My good cholesterol is great, but my bad cholesterol is a bit high and my overall number is something like 271. I was told to "eat a lower fat diet and exercise" and come back in a few months to have the test redone. Eeek. The implication was that if my level doesn't fall I will be put on medication. I do not want that. I have spent the time since hearing the bad news waffling between thinking "Hey, dad is on meds for his cholesterol and he eats whatever the heck he wants!" and "OMG! I'm too young to be on daily medication!"

The truth is that if I want to attempt to control my cholesterol through diet and exercise, I will have to change the way I eat -- forever. I can't really be a "normal eater" and eat whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it. I will have to seriously limit my saturated fat intake and make things like french fries, hamburgers, and desserts a treat. I haven't been able to do that for the past two years, but with medication looming in my future perhaps I can do it now. I would like to lose weight for other reasons too -- my knees and back were so sore after helping dad move and my knees are hurting more often these days. I'm also having frequent problems with foot pain. My doctor thinks it's because my feet tend to roll in when I walk, but they've done that since I was a kid, and I only started having problems in the past year or so. I can't help but think it is weight-related.

So, there you go -- the many reasons I should lose weight. Now, the question is how to do it in a healthy way without turning into Susie Obsessed. I've been trying to lose weight for the past 18 months or more and have only succeeded in gaining 20 lbs. Sigh.

A Harrowing Week

My brother and I showed up at dad's house last Friday to "finish up" the packing. At most, 45% of dad's household was packed. I immediately ate five doughnuts. I calmed down (or the sugary carbs calmed me down) and we spent 13 hours packing with intermittent, desultory help from dad and his two sisters and his niece (who had come to stay for a few days -- a fact dad failed to share with me). My brother was throwing loads of useful stuff into the dumpster and I was upset with him until I realized he was right -- that was the only way we'd be ready the next morning. The waste was jaw-dropping but it was far too late to sort out things to go to charity or into a yard sale. We left without even a "thank you" from dad. In fact, he and his sisters headed off to dinner without asking if we might possibly be hungry!

We spent Saturday helping him move and unpacking a bit. Monday we spent several hours cleaning and cleaning and cleaning some more. His house is absolutely filthy. I spent two hours scrubbing one bathroom and didn't even finish. I moved on to the walls, which were covered with cat sneeze leavings (disgusting, I know!). The fridge took about five scrubbings to get the caked on vegetable matter, jam, and other mysterious food leavings off. It was truly awful. Yesterday after taking my girls to see T in a parade, I went out again to clear more stuff out -- and the dumpster is almost full again (this is a 10-yard dumpster, which is the size of four pickup truck beds).

Meanwhile, my brother asked dad for his mail and checkbook registers so he can try and figure out how dad will pay his bills. Dad dithered before admitting that he hasn't recorded anything in his checkbook register since mom died, nine months ago. He seems to have completely lost touch with financial reality. He doesn't even have enough money to live one more month in his old house, but was telling my inlaws last night that he's hoping to take a trip to Wales, Scotland, and Ireland next year. I'm deeply disturbed and very worried. We're going to have a "talk" with him before my brother goes back to Seattle, but I don't know that he'll listen. We had a talk with him about finances nine months ago and he seemingly paid little attention to anything we said. I suppose there's only so much you can do. I don't want to be his mom -- and he is certainly not senile.

I suppose the only bright spot is that after the doughnut debacle, I didn't really allow all of it to affect my eating. I probably overate this past weekend some of the time, but I didn't binge because of the stress, and I didn't graze all day to avoid everything.

8 More Random Facts

Tricia tagged me to list 8 random facts -- I'm not sure I can actually come up with more, but here we go (I hope I didn't repeat myself):

1. I greatly dislike going barefoot or walking around in my stocking feet. In the house I wear slippers, and outside I always wear some kind of shoe. I don't even like walking on the sand at the beach.

2. I am completely clueless when it comes to popular music. The only thing I listen to on the radio is NPR.

3. I have never tried to water ski or downhill ski. I went cross country skiing once, but fell a lot.

4. I grew up in a household with a lot of pets -- at one time 45 cats and 15 dogs -- many of which were in the house.

5. In my mid twenties I lived in a neighborhood that was very poor and was home to a lot of gang activity. I lived in a house that had been made into 20 apartments, and only 3 of us had a phone. Even though I was the only caucasian person living in the building (and one of few English speakers), I never really felt odd. The young are a lot more adventurous, aren't they?

6. I read a LOT of magazines. Working in a library, I have access to 100+ and read one every day at lunch or dinner.

7. I have nieces and nephews ranging in age from two weeks to twenty-five years old -- big age range! My dh has a sib who is still planning to have kids too, so the range will get even bigger.

8. I'm lucky. I once won $2500 in a grocery bingo game, and won $500 in a church raffle a few years ago. I don't buy lottery tickets though.

...And the Drama Continues...

I have found lately that I am tempted to pre-binge and get it over with -- I am afraid that the urge will overtake me and I want to preventatively binge. I know -- that sounds completely goofy. I've just been feeling so...normal...for the past couple of weeks and I guess I'm just kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I've had several -- okay almost daily -- sabotaging thoughts after eating something not so healthy. Today I ate a tiny sliver of cake someone brought in for a birthday treat and I immediately wanted a giant hunk or two because I felt like a bit of a failure. I caught my thoughts, reassured myself that a sliver of cake does not equal disaster, and went off to do something constructive.

Yesterday I realized that yes, I can sit with my feelings, as they say. After venting about my dad at dinner with friends (a very healthy dinner at which I didn't overeat in the slightest), I felt really overwhelmed and anxious. I swear I wanted to drive straight to the ice cream stand and dive in. I actually felt as though I had the little devil and angel from the cartoons on my shoulders -- Yes, you DESERVE ice cream! No, think of how crummy you'll feel after eating it! Yes, it will soothe you! No, you aren't even hungry! Then I got home and felt even more annoyance that T had been playing with his ipod all evening and hadn't even done the dishes. I almost got back into the car. Instead, I just rode out the anxiety and the urge. It took a while, but I didn't die. In fact, absolutely nothing happened except that the anxiety lessened after a while, and I went to sleep. And T did the dishes without me saying a word.

Sunday, dad's house:

Dad is sauntering from kitchen to living room, carrying two items at a time, packing them and paying no attention to whether or not he actually wants the items.

Me: Dad, wouldn't it make more sense to take the box to the kitchen where you are actually packing it?

Dad: Hmmm? I don't know (continues what he was doing)

Me: Dad, do you actually use that George Foreman Grill?

Dad: I might

Me: Have you used it even once in the past nine months?

Dad: No, but I might

Me: Dad, what makes you think that after nine months of not using it, you'll suddenly wake up tomorrow and want to use it?

Dad: I might use it and I'll keep it if I want to!

Me: FINE! I'll just leave and let you do all of this yourself!

Dad: silence (looks stricken)... wanders off down the hall to put the grill with the other items he's not keeping (such as the Mickey Mouse ice cream maker used once, and assorted appliances whose purpose is a mystery to him)

I told him that I was only trying to help because I didn't want him to be so claustrophobic in his new house. He claimed he wasn't claustrophobic and I pointed out that there are piles of STUFF on every surface. You can't even walk into some of the rooms because of all of the STUFF. His new house is about half the size of his current house so even if he takes half of everything he'll be just this crowded. Lord help me.

I managed to hold it together and not dive headfirst into his dessert cupboard, though I found myself shoving a few handfuls of nuts and chips into my mouth once I got home. I gained control of myself and reminded myself that not only did I want to be hungry for dinner, but that I would feel awful if I continued down the bingeing path. Putting the nuts away, I went upstairs and away from the kitchen.

Resentment

I spent my entire day off running errands that HAD to be done, listening to my children fight, and helping my dad pack. I got to my dad's house and felt completely and utterly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of STUFF that he has to get packed by June 30, when my brother will be here to help us move him. I simply cannot believe two people could have accumulated so many unnessary household items. Who on earth needs five tupperware pie holders? I threw away four huge black trash bags full of food that was past the sell by date (by many months), which made me want to weep over the waste of it all.

I felt a huge black resentment because my day was consumed by chores I didn't want to do. I didn't even realize how angry I was until I had eaten a piece of coffee cake, a bite of donut, and 1 1/2 cookies. I was actually hungry, but I was eating compulsively, standing up, shoving it in. I stopped mid cookie, told myself that I was only going to feel worse if I continued, and tossed the rest of the cookie down the disposal. As I started packing up again, I pondered my sudden desire to eat junk and connected it to my fury, as well as the fear I have for my dad. I fear that he won't be packed in time, fear that he'll have 300 boxes to move, fear that his old house won't sell and my brother will lose his shirt (he bought my dad's new house for him and will pay the old mortgate until it sells because dad has absolutely NO savings whatsoever), and fear that I will be spending every free minute I have over the next month packing and scrubbing for my dad. Just the thought of it all makes me feel incredibly resentful. My parents inherited about $200,000 from my grandmother and went through it in less than ten years. Unbelievable.

Really Living LIfe

The past few days I've been really, really busy at work, I went for a walk with a possible new friend in the neighborhood, and I've done some things I'd been putting off. I haven't been tempted to binge or even eat between meals. I've gotten really hungry before even thinking about food.

This is definintely part of what I NEED TO DO. When I reach out to people (which scares the%*#@^ out of me), take time to do something just for me (and refuse to feel guilty about it), and when I keep busy at work instead of wasting time, I don't have time to obesses about food or the need to soothe myself with it.

Connections

It seems that when my dh leaves the house -- to play golf, go to work, or even just to walk the dog -- I have the immediate urge to eat. I was pondering this oddity and wondering why on earth it happens. My dear dh would never, ever comment on anything I ate no matter what time it was or what I was eating. It occurred to me after some though that this could have a connection to my childhood. (I'm beginning to think every quirk I have can be traced back to my childhood)

Though we never went hungry, food was not a freely given commodity at home. We ate very healthfully because we always had a huge garden and my mom canned and froze every veggie there was. We had many meatless dinners of bean soup, tomato soup, etc., and couldn't afford junk food or going out to dinner. I think the first time I had pizza was as a senior in high school on a field trip. We did have dessert often, but it was usually cake because cake mixes went on sale often. We had only powdered milk and the only cereal we usually had was generic brand corn flakes or Cheerios (with occasional Malt-o-Meal if it went on sale). I remember one winter that my mom found some place (a store?) that sold bread for 10 cents a loaf -- except that every loaf wrapper was cut down the center because it wasn't supposed to be sold for human consumption. Not that anything was wrong with it -- it was just past the date it could be sold. We loved it because we got all kinds of exotic brands of bread. Remembering that makes me realize how desperate my mom must have been to reduce our food bill.

We were not allowed to eat anything without asking first, and not between meals, ever. It just wasn't done. Imagine a teenager (you know how hungry they are!) coming home from school having skipped both breakfast and lunch (because I hated powdered milk and our lunches were boring -- always natural peanut butter & jelly and an apple), and not being allowed to eat anything. We'd sneak into the kitchen and eat several slices of bread, quickly and quietly, hoping mom couldn't hear us. After I started babysitting every weekday after school, I binged daily at their house. I can't believe Mrs. R didn't fire me -- her food bill must have increased hugely after I started working there. She had all the wonderful stuff we never had -- bananas, big red delicious apples, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, ice cream sandwiches...mmmmm. I gained 10 lbs every year I worked for her!

So, when my dh leaves the house, am I reliving running to Mrs. R's house to stuff down as much food as possible before her kids got there? Or sneaking into the kitchen to see what I might eat that my mom wouldn't notice was gone? When I have this feeling, I need to remind myself that we have more than enough money for groceries -- and the store will never run out of food.

Hunger is not an emergency

I've been reading Dr. Judith Beck's book, The Beck Diet Solution. She states that it is NOT a good program for someone struggling with an eating disorder, and I know that if I tried to follow some of the steps, it would lead to undesirable results. She does have some great cognitive behavioral steps though. One thing she wrote kept coming back to me -- she says to go hungry for 8 hours one day to help you realize that hunger is not an emergency.

BTDT -- I've gone hungry for more than 8 hours in times past and it makes me horribly cranky and gives me a serious headache. Since trying to eat intuitvely, I've been trying not to get too hungry or go too long without food. I've been feeling desperate for food every time I get even the slightest bit hungry. I've been afraid that I'd freak out and binge if I went hungry for too long.

I am ready to start feeling a bit more hungry before feeding myself. Work is REALLY busy right now and there have been several days when I've not eaten for hours. I am hungry, but hunger does come and go until the feeling is so insistent that I know I have to eat. I have become more able to wait for food if I know we're going out to dinner or I know I am going to eat in an hour or something. I'm just keeping a careful eye on myself to see if this leads to unhealthy thinking, a big power struggle with myself, or shoveling in large quantities of unhealthy food because I am so ravenous. So far, so good. Hunger is definitely not an emergency.

It was (not) one of those days...

Yesterday I felt the urge to binge from the moment I woke up. Why? I'm still not sure. Perhaps because in spite of eating really well these days my pants are really tight and my wedding ring will hardly fit on my finger since we got back from Chicago on Monday. I don't really know. I ate a smallish but filling breakfast, didn't feel particularly tempted by the doughnuts at our staff meeting, and had a Subway turkey sub for lunch. I didn't even finish my 100-calorie bag of chips, though I did eat 1 2/2 cookies. I started on a project and around 4pm got really restless. I was a tiny bit hungry and gave in to the urge to eat a doughnut and another 1/2 cookie. Then I really, really had to fight the all-or-nothing beast and not hoover up the entire plate of cookies.

Arriving home from work, I was really restless. My dh was sleeping because he's working 3 nights of security at our local arts festival and I had the girls. I didn't have any idea what I wanted for dinner. R requested french toast and I had four bites of hers, but didn't want to eat it because I stressed about the calories/carbs/blood sugar/you name it. C wanted a pb&j. I cut up a bunch of raw veggies and they ate a LOT of them while I cooked, as did I. Even though I only felt a tiny bit hungry, I had a piece of pb toast and some Sun Chips. After a Hershey kiss for dessert, my brain was screaming "BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! You know you'll feel better! Just think of those graham crackers with peanut butter and chocolate on them...think of those Pop Tarts...think of that cereal and milk....!" I, however, gave myself a stern talking-to. I thought, "Okay, this is it. You are NEVER going to stop bingeing if you don't stop. You can't just keep having one more binge and thinking you'll stop the NEXT time. The next time is right now". OMG, it was hard to walk away. Hard, hard, hard. I did it though. I went downstairs and got on the computer for a while. When it was time to put the girls to bed, I had more thoughts, but put myself to bed too. I lay (or is it laid? I never did learn that rule correctly) in bed and felt so calm and good about my decision.

a realization

I just read in someone's blog (onederfulbound.blogspot.com) something that caused a major realization for me. I've realized for several months now that if my dh isn't in a communicative mood, my anxiety level rises significantly and I have the urge to binge. I had been attributing it to the fact that since our separation, I still feel a little unease about our marriage whenever he seems at all unhappy. Now I think it's more due to a connection with my childhood.

My mom was a wonderful mom in many ways. However, I don't think she really knew how to show affection or love, and I really don't think she had any clue how to express unhappiness in a healthy way. When she was angry at us (or at my dad), she would completely clam up, and walk around with a horribly mean expression on her face. She'd go days without speaking one single word to us and most of the time we'd have absolutely no idea what had set her off. We'd walk around on eggshells, and I'd try to do things to make her happy (like housework and yardwork), and we'd just sort of wait it out. After several days -- or even a couple of weeks in some instances -- she'd suddenly start talking to us again as though nothing had ever happened. I'd breathe a sigh of relief and go on until the next incident. I think when my dh (who isn't an animated or chatty guy unless he's had several beers) is extra quiet, I just feel that churning "oh geez, what did I do now?" feeling in the pit of my stomach and want to eat to quiet it. Since our reconciliation I am more likely to ask him if something is wrong or if he's upset with me (and 99.9% of the time it has nothing to do with me), but every single time I still get that jolt of fear.

This past weekend in Chicago, I had several meals when I overate, several when I ate just to satisfaction, and in general I didn't eat much when I wasn't hungry. We ate a pretty big breakfast in the hotel each morning, and usually weren't hungry for lunch until late afternoon. It was great to just wait and not feel I had to eat lunch because it was noon!

Seven Random Facts

The lovely Isabelle tagged me to reveal seven random facts about myself, so here goes:

1) I have naturally curly hair. I despised it until I was about 22, but now I love it (most of the time). Women used to stop me in the mall to ask where I'd gotten my gorgeous spiral perm, which both amused and embarrassed me.

2) We haven't watched TV at our house for ten years now. When we had TV it was on all the time, but when we did without it for a few months, we decided we didn't miss it enough to have it again. We do watch DVDs sometimes. Oddly, I still read all about TV stars and shows in magazines like People.

3) I cannot nap worth a darn. Unlike my dh's entire family, who can lie down and be asleep in 3 minutes flat, I will simply stare at the ceiling until I give up. Even when pregnant I didn't nap.

4) I adore going to the movies. In high school I used to go on "dollar night" every week (by myself). As a college freshman, my boyfriend and I went almost every week, as did T and I (in our pre-parent days)

5) I have only been asked out by about 3 men (whom I actually *wanted* to go out with) in my entire life. In my life before marriage, I asked a few guys out, "hooked up" with a few, and went out with several because of a personal ad. It has always sort of puzzled me. I think I must give off "touch me not" vibes since I have been told I am very pretty and I *know* I'm intelligent and fairly entertaining as a companion.

6) I listen to audiobooks constantly and usually have one in my car, one at my bedside, one in my bathroom, and another in my kitchen. I love mysteries, suspense novels, and thrillers best, though I listen to a lot of teen and kids books because of my job.

7) I went to secretarial school after I dropped out of college. I actually graduated from a business college and worked as a secretary for a while before realizing that I despised it and went back to college. At least my coworkers are wowed by my typing skills.

Okay -- I will tag treelover!

Annual Checkup

I saw the doctor today and was truly surprised that she didn't mention one single word about my weight. At the doctor's office it was 172.3 with my clothes on at 1pm. That's definitely hovering between overweight and obese, but she didn't comment. I have the dreaded cholesterol test coming soon.

Still no bingeing going on with me. I've had several almost-episodes, but talked myself out of it when I admitted to myself that I wanted to, knew why I wanted to, and knew it was not really treating myself with kindness to do so. Yesterday my dh and I misunderstood plans and I was waiting for him at home to go to dinner while he was already on his way. I finally called him, found out he was already at my inlaws' house, and immediately wanted to eat one of the chocolate-covered Oreos (homemade) that I got for Mother's Day. I had the bag open and my hand in before thinking, "Um, hello? You only want one because you're reacting." I zipped the bag shut and went off to my inlaws.

There have been several occasions lately when I have had a knee-jerk "I blew it so I might as well eat a lot more" reaction to overeating slightly or eating an extra cookie, etc. Each time I have talked myself out of chowing down. That's not to say that my eating has been Mrs. Healthy-Pants, however. I have been logging my food again to see what on earth I'm eating, and the other day I ate six dessert-like things in one day. That can't be good for my triglyceride level!

blah, blah, blah...

Work was totally different last week since we were in the midst of some remodeling. I had far fewer obsessive food thoughts than usual -- due to the change in routine? Being too busy to think about food? No boredom with being stuck at the desk? I don't know. I haven't had any binges that I can recall, but have definitely had some overeating going on. I weighed myself and saw 172.4 on the scale. I think I need to start keeping a food journal again because I really don't see that I'm eating all that much more than I was a year ago, and I'm definitely more active -- yet I've gained ten pounds!

I am having the thought more and more often that I should get rid of every piece of clothing that doesn't fit me and accept the idea that I will never again be a size 6 or even an 8. The thought of actually doing the deed is painful. I might end up with only about 8 outfits. I swear I have given away so many clothes because they were all too small, then they were all too big, then they were all too small....ay yi yi. I have probably wasted $100,000 on clothing in my lifetime. I want to go buy some new clothes but it's so hard to find something that is truly flattering to me in this size. I'd have to spend hours and hours and hours trying things on. Just the thought is exhausting. I ordered some stuff via the Internet from J Jill and Coldwater Creek. When I tried it on, it didn't really look all that great but I was too lazy to send it back. This is why I have to buy clothing in person.

I saw my orthopedic surgeon for the last time. He said everything has healed just fine and there has been no degradation of my knee in the past year. My quad and calf muscles are still visibly smaller than in my other leg. I'm not allowed to run, jump, skip, hop, do aerobics, etc ever again. He is even rather iffy about hiking, and advised me to join the Y and do water aerobics. He did say that it's still okay to bike and do the elliptical, but that I should have my bike seat as high as possible for less pressure on my knee. Most of the time I'm okay with my limitations, but sometimes I just feel so sad -- and mad -- why did simply falling off a f*%#ing bike have to cause so much damage?!? Then again, I didn't lose my leg, I don't have cancer, and my family is healthy. I am blessed in so many ways -- perhaps I should just quit whining and be grateful :-)

The Chicken or the Egg?

Thank you for your suggestions about joining n*rmaleating.com, but I am already a member there. I joined when it cost $20 a month and had a very bad experience there. Not with the women who post (in fact several of us deserted the site together to go elsewhere as a group) but with the owner. I don't want to go into details, but I don't think she is a very honest person.

So, the chicken or the egg? Does my mood lead to eating or my eating lead to mood? I had a great week until yesterday, and I also felt really upbeat. I didn't "feel skinny" necessarily, but I ate totally normally and was happy. Yesterday I made cookies for a potluck we have to attend today, and ate half a dozen or so while baking them. Then I felt bad, got grumpy, and my mood crashed into the basement. I was hungry for dinner, ate a totally normal amount, but after dinner my dh (who was totally exhausted after being called out for four hours in the middle of Thursday night to an accident scene) announced he was going to bed at 7pm I kind of fell apart.

Looking back, I know exactly where things went wrong:
-- I was already grumpy about having to attend a meeting on my day off, which seems to happen often this year.
--I had to make a dessert and chose cookies instead of something that can't really be eaten before the event. I chose cookies because I had the stuff for them, but should have bought different stuff and made something else. I already knew making cookies would get me into trouble with the way I was feeling, but I really wanted to use up the ingredients I had and I fooled myself into thinking I could deal with it.
--Since dh hadn't done the dishes the night before I cleaned up the kitchen before baking and felt put-upon about it.
--After attending the meeting, baking, doing dishes, doing laundry, buying dog food, and picking up the girls I had no time left for myself -- on my day off.

Anyway, I felt absolutely awful by the time I went to bed. Not physically -- I didn't binge to the point of feeling sick -- but emotionally. I wonder if it's the overeating that makes me feel that way (since I feel out of control) or the sugar (since I almost always binge on sugary desserty stuff). I guess I won't know for sure unless I binge on chicken breast someday. Yeah, right.

So, that is absolutely, positively the last time I spend my entire day off doing things I don't enjoy. The last. I don't care if the laundry is to the ceiling and the dishes are covering every counter. I'm not touching 'em!

It should have been a fun weekend

There's no reason my weekend shouldn't have been delightful. It started out that way. Friday I got off work at noon (because I worked Sunday). I went home, had a mindful lunch, and my thoughts started to stray to the ice cream in the freezer. I wasn't hungry at all, but bingey thoughts began to invade. I sternly told myself that if I got hungry later, I could have ice cream. I also reminded myself that it is only when the thoughts are strong that I have the opportunity to change things. It's when the urge is strongest that the door is open for me to walk though into a different life. So I left the house and walked the dog. A longish walk, but not obsessively calorie-burning long.

When I returned, I unpacked two boxes. YEAH me! I was a little bit hungry when I finished so I ate ice cream. I had a smallish bowl, but still had thoughts of eating bunches more food. So I left the house, ran errands, got home, got ready to go out and left with dh for a date. We went out to eat at a posh steak house. I had half of a fabulous 8 oz steak, a roll, tossed salad, some french fried onion curls that came with my steak, and a tiny serving each of green beans and hash browns. I was REALLY full. I could have easily done with less, so I felt some guilt. I wasn't even tempted by dessert because I knew it would put me over the top and I'd feel sick if I ate it. We went to the symphony and I realized at intermission that I was really enjoying the concert without obsessing on what I ate or didn't eat. It was such a lovely evening.

Saturday started out rather badly. My dd didn't like her toast because it had raisins in it. I made her new toast and picked at hers until it was gone, even though I'd already eaten my breakfast and wasn't hungry. I was ravenous by the time I had lunch and ate a bit too much, feeling quite full. A couple of hours later while I was paying bills (always a dangerous time for me) I ate a lot of ice cream -- a lot. I felt like crap. It's funny -- I know that bill paying is a trigger for me, but I always sit at the dining room table to do it. It's like I am looking for an excuse to binge. I have to finish the bills tonight and I am going to take them elsewhere work on!

We went to mass, left our girls with my SIL for the night, and drove to the lakeshore to see the guy who was best man at our wedding and meet his new live-in love. We had a really good time, though I felt terribly self-conscious about my weight. He has had weight issues in the past, though he looks great now, and I'm sure he was noticing my weight gain. We had dinner and I ate tooo much. Only two pieces of mushroom pizza, but load of veggies. Okay, not so bad -- except that I then chowed down the strawberry shortcake dessert and a few handfuls of chips!

Sunday was another crummy day. I was fine until I got to work and felt soooo hungry by mid-afternoon and had nothing nutritious to eat. I snarfed down a bunch of crackers in the breakroom and soothed my hunger pangs. I had to go straight to bowling after work, and it was a potluck. I ate too much there, though it wasn't really any extraordinary amount or anything. I was even a bit hungry when we got home. T went right to bed, but I had some cereal and milk, topped off by a bowl of ice cream. Curse the inventor of ice cream.

I lay in bed feeling positively wretched. Not because I was overful, but because I had such a great Friday and couldn't hold onto the momentum. Instead I sabotaged myself. I work up more determined than ever to get off this hamster wheel. So in spite of waking up late because my alarm was too soft and allowing that to ruin my day, I am eating like a "normal" person today. I am going to conquer this.

a hodgepodge of topics

In answer to a couple of the comments I got (and THANK YOU for your lovely supportive comments!) -- I really can't eat dessert first at dinner. Well, I could -- but wouldn't it be providing a bad example for my children? They are, so far, totally normal eaters without any weird food attitudes and I'd like to keep it that way. My older dd never had any sort of dessert until after her first birthday and even then it was a rare thing. I'm not sure how on earth we got into the habit of having it every night after dinner (which is how it was for me growing up) but now I can't backpeddle and stop. I've tried and the girls think they're deprived and want to go out to get ice cream if we have nothing sweet in the house.

I'm still wavering on the class. I think I'll wait and see if she calls me. I asked her to give me a ring when the class was ready to start up again, so when and if she calls I will ask her a few more questions about exactly what she does and what her success rate is. I wouldn't mind starting up some sort of support group myself, but all of the support groups I've been involved in online seem to divide into two groups of women -- one group that totally gets IE and can't seem to grasp why the second group is having so much trouble leaving bingeing and overeating behind (ahem...my group). I imagine a real-life group would be much the same unless it was lead by a therapist.

I started doing my upper body weight training DVD again a couple of weeks ago. Good grief, was I sore! It took me until a couple of days ago to be able to make it through the abs portion without giving up before reaching the end. It has reminded me of how good weight training feels -- how strong and capable one feels after a session. My leg is stronger now than it was last time I did the DVD -- 6 months ago maybe? There's an exercise in the ab portion that's like the plank in Pilates and my leg isn't shaky and trembly now when I do it. I have noticed that lately I can walk up the stairs without help from the railing, as long as I'm not carrying anything heavy. I still need the rail to go down or I feel as though I'm going to pitch forward, but hopefully someday I'll be rail-free!

I've been thinking about something Geneen Roth says -- that food gives you something -- something you need that you aren't getting. What could I be not getting? I definitely have put my life on hold since my accident. I still have boxes that need unpacking and haven't entertained much at all, beyond family. The walls are still mostly empty, the shelves are still mostly empty, and I still haven't unpacked and organized my scrapbooking stuff enough to accomplish anything. When I have time on my hands at home, I usually manage to spend it paying bills, doing routine cleaning, baking or cooking, eating, or sitting around reading.

Two years ago I was so convinced that when we moved to a house that we weren't ashamed of we'd keep it up better and have people over more often. That may have happened if I hadn't shattered my leg, but after I recovered, everything seemed like too much of an effort. I tired easily if I stood too long, I couldn't carry things, going up and down the stairs was awkward, and I just got lazy somehow. So....no more waiting! Today I get out of work at 12:15pm (since I work on Sunday) and I'm going home to unpack. I'm determined to work on it every day I have off until it's done. When unpacking is done, I'm moving on to pictures on the walls.

Singin' the Tight Pants Blues

I'm rather down today. I haven't weighed myself, but my pants were really tight this morning. I haven't had any sort of binge since Easter (when I grazed myself into a food coma at a family brunch), and I haven't really been overeating much at meals. However, I've been having some sort of dessert at most every lunch and dinner. Dessert at lunch is usually just a couple of Hershey kisses or a dozen m&ms (unless a coworker has brought in something delish), but my dinnertime desserts have been things like hot fudge sundaes, root beer floats, large pieces of leftover Easter bunny, handfuls of cookies....all without being the slightest bit hungry.

I'm feeling a bit hopeless. I know I can't go on a diet -- if I can't stop myself from eating cookies after dinner I would certainly not be able to stick to any kind of diet. Yet I'm very, very unhappy over my weight gain. I feel as though I've been writing and re-writing this exact thing over and over and over again for a year now and I'm not getting anywhere.

There is a class starting up in May that is supposed to help one stop bingeing, conquer cravings, deal with feelings instead of eating them, etc. I spoke to the teacher about it last winter, but didn't sign up because it costs almost $600. That is a large chunk of money for us -- a large chunk. I finally worked up the courage to ask T if it would be okay for me to spend the money to take it and he (bless his cheapskate penny pinching heart) didn't hesitate before saying if I thought it would help me, I should go right ahead. I hesitate though because good heavens, I could teach such a class! I've read so many books on how to stop binge eating, how to eat healthfully, how to eat intuitively, how to deal with negative thought patterns and feelings. Through my HMO, I've taken a class in dealing with stress, a class based on the book Thoughts & Feelings : taking control of your moods and your life, a class based on the L.E.A.R.N. book (deals with losing weight without dieting), I've had therapy... I feel as though I've done it all and nothing has helped. The simple fact is that there is no magic pill -- no magic class. I have to do it myself and so far have been unable to do it. If I spend $600 on something that doesn't help yet again, I think the guilt will be overwhelming.

graham cracker update

I've eaten 5 or 6 graham crackers -- no bingeing behavior around them. However, they are the fat free cinnamon sugar kind (not my favorite), I have no milk at work to dunk them in, and they aren't mine. I'd be rather mortified to have a coworker walk in on me eating an entire inner package of them.

I thought of completely staying away from them, which is often easier than trying to eat just a little bit of any tempting food. Is that realistic though? I can't go through my entire life avoiding foods that have been problematic for me in the past. I'd become a hermit, never venturing to a dinner party or restaurant. When I was 30 lbs thinner, I was afraid of restaurants. I brought my own lunch to a scrapbooking crop because I had asked the hostess what she was serving ahead of time and didn't want to eat croissants with chicken salad! I don't want to go back to that again. What a weirdo.

Last night the girls and I went out to dinner with my dad (T stayed at home brushing up on his testimony for a trial). R chose IHOP, and I actually looked up the menu ahead of time because I was nervous. Their "healthy" choices looked rather unappealing, and when we got there I ordered a sandwich, then changed to a bacon burger on sourdough with fries. It was rather tasty, but I was pretty full after half of it. I took the other half home and left five or so fries on the plate. I was full, but not overfull. I still felt guilt. How long does it take for that dumb feeling to go away?!?

We went off to see the butterflies at the local botanical garden, and then stopped for ice cream on the way home. I got a kiddie cone, feeling some guilt because I wasn't the slightest bit physically hungry. Neither R nor C finished their cones, and I threw them away instead of polishing them off.

I've been experimenting today with eating until I'm JUST full. I am hungry sooner than usual, but I feel less guilt and, of course, am eating less food. Next time I KNOW I'm going to have dessert (as I did last night), I will try and stop even sooner. To be honest, I think I could have eaten only half the fries and about a quarter to a third of the burger and felt fine. I might have even been hungry again when it was time for ice cream.

a test

Well, I am to be sorely tested over the next week or so. We have a constant supply of snacks from a coworker who somehow thinks we are underfed. So in the break room, there are usually potato chips, honey wheat pretzels, cookies of various varieties, etc. I sometimes eat a few, but usually stay away from them, knowing that store-bought goodies just aren't that great.

This week she brought in graham crackers. Oh, graham crackers...my nemesis in the battle to prevent bingeing. I don't know what it is about them, but I have so far not been able to eat one or two graham crackers at a time more than a few times in my life. I LOVE them dunked in milk, with chocolate and marshmallows sandwiched in between (as smores), spread with peanut butter, or just plain. Perhaps they're connected with some emotionally nourishing memory of childhood.

This coming week will be a test of my ability to be around graham crackers...like I need something else to stress me out.

Another example of intuitive eating in action: my four-year-old ate wayyyy too much candy on Easter, with no comment or judgment from me. On Monday morning she announced she wasn't hungry for breakfast. The only thing she wanted to eat was a carrot.

French Toast for Breakfast

French Toast for Breakfast is the name of a good book on intuitive eating -- can't remember the author. Anyway, she says she gave her book that particular name because the women she worked with seemed most whistful about eating french toast for breakfast. They had denied it to themselves for years because it was too fattening.

I was thinking about this yesterday when I went out to breakfast with my MIL, SIL, and aunt-in-law. I looked a the menu and went back and forth about what to have. I really wanted french toast but thought "it's sooo many calories! So many carbs! What if I eat it and then I'm starving an hour later because I didn't eat any protein?! What if it makes my triglyceride level shoot to the moon?! Or my blood sugar level?!"

I changed my mind at least half a dozen times, but finally ordered the french toast. When it came, it was two pieces made from challah bread and each piece was at least an inch thick. They served it with real maple syrup and real butter. I'm pretty sure I've never had such delicious french toast. Even though I was starving, I forced myself to eat a piece slowly and mindfully. I realized that I was satisfied. I had to fight with myself not to eat more because it was so yummy, but I wasn't hungry anymore. I saved the rest "to go" and ate it today for my afternoon snack.

Anyway, I didn't get hungry until 3pm. I wasn't at all tempted to eat anything when I got home from work -- wasn't really hungry and didn't have the urge to eat for other reasons, unlike most Wednesday nights. I don't know if it had anything to do with allowing myself to eat what I really wanted or not. But next time I'm going to try the french toast with carmelized bananas and peanut butter!

111!

I bowled a 111 last night -- woo hoo! Actually I bowled over my average (which is now 75) all three games. Yippee -- maybe practice does really help even hopelessly non-athletic people?

T, R, and I went out to breakfast this morning. I am always fascinated by R's eating -- she just stops when she's done. End of story. Three bites of french toast left -- so what? She's done. I, on the other hand, only ate about 1/3 of my omelet and was full (two pieces of English muffin toast also), but had to fight with myself not to eat more. I ate a few bites of R's french toast too though. On Friday night R stayed overnight with my dad and on Saturday she told me she had three donut sticks for breakfast. Oy. BUT she then didn't eat one single bite of additional food until dinner!!! Talk about intuitive eating in action....

Fighting the Food Demons

I've been fighting the food demons for three days now. I wish I could chalk it up to TOM, since I'm scheduled to start tomorrow. However, I'm afraid hormones have little to do with the little guy on my shoulder screaming "EAT! EAT! EAT!"

Friday we were supposed to meet several of T's police academy buddies and their wives/husbands at a local bar. He hadn't seen many of them for months -- even years in some cases. I was completely jittery about it for days beforehand. T went through the academy about five years later than most because he had dropped out of college for a while, not knowing what he wanted to do. I remember attending the big graduation party with him, feeling incredibly insecure. Being four years older than T, I was 10 years older than many of the kids in his class. I felt old, fat, unattractive, and totally out of place. For years after that party I avoided academy parties and weddings like the plague. It ended up contributing to a lot of tension in our marriage because T thought I just didn't care. When I finally ended up confessing to my insecurity a few years ago, T thought I was completely wacko, though he said so in a much more gentle way.

Anyway, I was so incredibly anxious all day Friday that all I wanted to do was eat all day long. I resisted for the most part, though I ended up eating way too many m&ms out of the community candy dish. I kept asking myself, "What if you just live with the anxiety? What's the worst than will happen? You'll be anxious. At least you won't be anxious AND feel horrible after bingeing!" Sooooooooooo ironically, we arrived at the bar to find that two of the three women alums who showed up are now overweight -- one larger than I am -- and some of the guys have put on some weight too. All of my dread was for absolutely nothing. We somehow got onto the topic of age -- perhaps because it's been 10 years since graduation for them -- and my age (42) came up. I could tell they were genuinely shocked that I was older than T, which boosted my ego some (though I honestly don't care about my age and readily admit it to anyone who asks). I did end up a bit too full at the bar (though I left food on my plate), but it was probably because by the time we ended up ordering I was absolutely zero on the hunger scale and wanted to eat my own fingers.

I can't believe that I built up that dinner to be such a source of dread. Let that be a lesson to me -- please!

Yesterday and today -- I'm not sure what the anxiety was all about. Yesterday I dealt okay with it all day, though I did eat a rather LARGE bowl of ice cream after dinner. Today, not so great. I didn't binge really, but I ate 3 brownies after lunch even though I wasn't hungry anymore, and then had a large piece of cake in the afternoon (not hungry). Today I guess bowling could be part of it. Ugh -- only 3 more torture sessions. They already asked us to bowl with them next year. Wahhh.

The tune changes, but the song stays the same

Yesterday was a success! For lunch I chose a smallish sub, some tortilla chips and guacamole & salsa, a piece of cake and a sliver of cheesecake. I had a small dinner, took R to her roller skating party and then out for a "kiddy cone" and went to bed happy about my food choices.

Then there was today. I went out to breakfast with my buddies, didn't order the french toast that sounded soooo good (choosing instead the veggie omelette made with Egg Beaters and only one piece of toast). I then ate my entire omelette, got very full, came home and walked the dog, made peanut butter cookies, ate 6 of them, added a piece of cake, some Cocoa Pebbles & milk, and some potato chips & dip to the damage, and feel miserable even now (three hours later).

This is the deal. I want to eat healthy foods, so I always eat lots of fruit, vegetables, lowfat protein sources, whole grains, etc. Then I end up bingeing on crappy carbs and sugar. I know, I know, I should concentrate on eating "whatever I want" FIRST and THEN worry about nutrition. I have TRIED. I'm just having difficulty DOING it. ARGH. I'm off to walk over to school and pick R up. Hopefully I won't still be stuffed by dinnertime, since we're meeting some relatives at the church fish dinner.

I came across this You Tube video on someone else's blog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA
Oh, how I wish I had her attitude!

I'm rehearsing

We have a staff potluck today -- always dangerous for mindful eating. I'm rehearsing:
--I will only eat food I really like
--I will not eat mediocre food, like the store-bought cheesecake and potato salad two coworkers brought
--I will take small portions, eat slowly and mindfully and not overeat

I'm soooo hungry already and I still have an hour until lunch. I had a small helping of the Quinoa Salad I brought, in hopes that it would tide me over, but that was an hour ago. I suppose as a true intuitive eater I should eat something now, but I don't want to eat a snack bar when I know there is yummy guacamole, fruit salad, and sub sandwiches waiting for me in 57 minutes (not that I'm counting).

Being too full is such a trigger for me -- not being stuffed, just really full. I know this, yet I still find myself overeating healthy foods at meals. Last night I realized that my salad was rather large and, sure enough, after eating it all, I was really full. That's when I gave in to the half a brownie, 100-calorie pack of hostess cupcakes (which I had stuck in the lunchroom because I didn't even LIKE them), and the handful of goldfish crackers! So my goal for the next week to to eat slowly and mindfully enough that I do not eat until I'm overfull. I did it last night when I got home (hungry, natch) and made one slice of whole wheat bread generously spread with peanut butter and a handful of Combos. I ate it very slowly and really enjoyed the creaminess of the peanut butter and didn't really enjoy the fake taste of the Combos. Then I felt somewhat guilty (natch) and grabbed a second handful of Combos. Then I told myself not to be an idiot and went upstairs to bed.

Might as well have a brownie too...

....the little voice whispered. I've avoided several binge triggers over the past few days, which makes my heart sing with happiness...or at least satisfaction. On Monday I had two Pop Tarts that had been in my locker for several days. Unfortunately, by the time I realized I was quite hungry it was almost time for me to be out at the public desk so I couldn't exactly enjoy them mindfully. I then spent the rest of the day and evening fighting the desire to say "what the heck" and eat everything in sight. I refrained and kept telling myself that two Pop Tarts does not a failure make, even eaten very quickly standing up.

Wednesdays are always a challenge for me and I almost always cave in. It's a bit of an odd day because I'm home for a few hours alone in the morning, go in to work at 11:30am (so lunch is always iffy), and then work til 8:15pm. Dinner is usually at 4:30 or 5pm, so I'm almost always very hungry by the time I get home from work. I end up eating, feeling bad because I had already eaten my "quota" for the day, and eat some more. This morning I stayed busy at home and didn't eat until I got to work. Then a coworker brought in a cake roll from a local place that usually has yummy baked goods. I tried to cut myself a smallish piece to eat with lunch, but it came out rather largish. As I started eating it, I realized that it wasn't really that great. I ate it anyway, and then so, so, so wanted to go get a brownie from the plate that another coworker had brought in for her birthday treat. However, I was quite full and I can have brownies whenever I want. I know for a fact this coworker uses mixes anyway, so a brownies would not be worth the guilt trip. So far, so good....

On the Weigh Down, Month 3 1/2

I weighed myself this morning because my dh woke early and was out of the bathroom and downstairs by 5am when I got up.

Weight: 164.2

Whoa -- I'm kind of shocked I lost 3.8 pounds! I know I said I'd write next time about what Linda Craighead says in the Appetite Awareness Workbook about bingeing, but I don't have the book in front of me. One thing she talks about though is getting over "what the heck" thinking. You know -- I already ate five cookies so I might as well eat the rest of the package. I've really been working on that because WTH thinking is a HUGE problem for me. She pointed out that calories are really cumulative. Any time you stop a binge sooner than you would have previously is a benefit to you. There really is no "starting over" tomorrow because it is magical thinking to believe that you will eat less tomorrow to make up for today. To make up for some binges you'd have to eat less for a week -- i.e. go on a diet.

So, though I've had some days when I had a small binge over the past six weeks, I remember what she's said and stopped far sooner than I would have a few months ago. There have been many days when I've actually been able to not binge even after overeating something "bad". I just keep picturing that continuum of calories. Not that I'm depriving myself. I can honestly say that there hasn't been a single day when I've purposely gone hungry to try and lose weight. I've been trying to make healthy food choices, but when I'm hungry I try to eat. Starving never gets me anywhere except standing in front of the fridge, cruising it for goodies.

I gave up Diet Coke (all soda, actually) for Lent, so it's been three weeks since I've had one. Well, actually I broke down and had one Saturday -- and then promptly developed a tremendous headache. That'll teach me.

Let it STOP snowing! & an ode to hot cereal

I swear I will never, ever complain about being hot again! We got a few more inches of snow last night and it was 4 degrees yesterday morning when I left for work. Ay-yi-yi! Saturday the roads were terribly icy and I took a spill while walking the dog, crunching my finger horribly. It looked like a big purple sausage by the time I got to work. I didn't care because I didn't hurt my leg. Re-injuring my leg is one of my biggest fears. I got such a rush of adrenaline when I fell that by the time I made it the final two blocks home I was shaking uncontrollably and felt positively nauseated. I had to eat some oatmeal before I could exercise.

Which reminds me...I never really cared for hot cereal much. I always loved cold cereal and ate nothing but Fiber One or Extra Fiber All Bran for years. Then I switched to eating dinner-type foods for breakfast but as I've whined about previously NOTHING keeps me satisfied til lunch. So when I saw some hot Oat Bran cereal, I thought I'd try it.

OMG -- I LOVE it. Then I tried Quaker Multigrain Hot Cereal, Bob's Red Mill 5-grain Hot Cereal, and some others. YUM! I only need 1-2 tsp of brown sugar to sweeten them enough for me, and have found that I love cooking some raspberries, blueberries, or bananas in with the cereal. I do like my hot cereal less dry than the directions call for, so I usually end up doubling the liquid they recommend. I use about 1/4 cup milk and the rest water. I don't know why I'm babbling on about this like anyone cares, but I just want to share my fairly newfound adoration for hot cereal.

As for the whole "recovery from eating disorder" thing, it's going okay. I stopped filling out the worksheets from the Appetite Awareness Workbook because I was managing to turn it into an obsessive thing and had a few binge-y days. I'm still following her program, however, and really like her stuff on binges. But I'll post about that next time.

...and now for something completely different

Think of this as a commercial break of sorts. I was reminded this past weekend of how very, very lucky I am to have such a great husband. I wanted to tell anyone out there who is having marriage difficulties about a program called Retrouvaille.

In the summer of 2002 I was 5 months pregnant with C and my husband T told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. I felt blindsided and completely devastated. He was miserable about it and told me he didn't want a divorce, but just wanted to fix things. We went to counseling, things seemed to improve, and by the time C was born in October, T was again telling me, "I love you". Along we went, seemingly okay, until January 2005. T was acting rather odd, but I had found out I had skin cancer on my eyelid and had to have some serious surgery, so I sort of attributed it to that. Unfortunately, two weeks after my surgery, T told me once again that he wasn't in love with me. He loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me. Part of me wanted to slap him and tell him to grow up. He seemed so incredibly miserable, however, and I felt lost. We started counseling again, but really felt as though we were treading water.

T became so unhappy that he moved out in early February. I'm pretty sure I never cried so much in my life. I completely lost my appetite and my clothes were hanging on me within weeks. My MIL, who worked for the Catholic church in their Marriage Tribunal office, gave T a pamphlet about a program called Retrouvaille. We'd never heard of it, but after looking it up online, I had hope that it might help us. I didn't really see how, but the website promised miracles. T and I were pretty much willing to try anything, so off we drove to our Retrouvaille weekend.

Let me tell you, our Retrouvaille weekend was a profoundly moving experience. We are not particularly religious -- until our daughter made her first communion, we hadn't gone to church more than a few times a year since we were teenagers. But we got a miracle that weekend. We started talking to each other in an honest way we had never done before. We truly rediscovered each other. T moved back in three months after our weekend. Today we have a “normal” marriage. We share our feelings, resentments, and daily happenings with each other. We disagree, but aren’t afraid to ask for what we need from each other. We enjoy each other’s company, socialize, and take joy in raising our daughters together. I feel as though something incredibly precious, once lost, has been found.

T -- a man who NEVER EVER wants to volunteer for anything, wanted to get involved in the Retrouvaille program after we finished. We are the registration couple for our community and we had a weekend this past week -- which is how I was reminded of what a great husband I have. Rather than giving up on his marriage and "moving on", he chose to work on saving it. We've been writing an "introduction" in preparation for presenting talks for Retrouvaille, and I was very touched by what he wrote at the end of his part of the intro:

"I finally felt she would accept me back home and when I asked, she said I could come back. I was as happy as when she said she would marry me. We continue to work on our marriage through CORE and I try to be vigilant in my efforts to keep S happy. The often say that true love comes but once in a lifetime. For me it came twice. Thanks to the miracle of Retrouvaille, it was with the same woman both times".

Isn't that the sweetest?

http://www.retrouvaille.org

On the Weigh Down -- Month 3

Weight: I have no idea. My husband was in the bathroom this morning. He actually knows pretty much what I weigh, but I still feel odd weighing myself in front of him. Besides, it was 5am and the dog was agitating to go out. I will say that I'm pretty sure my weight is about the same.

I had some really good days and some really bad days over the past two weeks. I veered between restricting and bingeing and just plain overeating. I finally decided that I needed to go back the The Appetite Awareness Workbook by Linda Craighead and actually DO the exercises, rather than simply reading them and nodding my head at how sensible they are.

The first step is to monitor your appetite. Each day you try to eat three meals and two snacks, eating whatever you want but stopping when you are moderately full. The idea is not to get too hungry because it is then very difficult to eat mindfully and stop when moderately full, so you eat when you feel moderately hungry. You record not what you ate, but how hungry you were when you started, when you finshed, whether or not you ate mindfully, and whether you felt any positive or negative feelings about your eating.

It has been interesting tome to see how OFTEN my feelings about what I ate are negative! It's also been very difficult for me to eat when moderately hungry. Sometimes my schedule doesn't allow it and I'm STARVING by the time lunch arrives. More often, however, I'm attempting to wait because I feel that I am hungry "too soon" after eating. I can totally see how this kind of behavior leads to overeating at the next meal, even if I overeat vegetables. I'm so hungry that I look around for what else I might eat after finishing my lunch, even though my tummy is rather full.

It has been rather freeing to eat whatever I want, but quite scary. I have so many black and white and should/shouldn't thoughts about it. It is definitely the case that recording this way is much less binge-inducing than keeping track of WHAT I'm eating or how many calories I'm eating. When my automatic calculator pops on, I immediately try to shut it off.

On another topic, I went shopping this morning, which was not very fun. I was looking for a top to wear to a party we're going to on St Patrick's Day -- something maybe a bit sexier than the mostly dull sweaters in my closet (that now fit me -- my sexy sweaters are rather...tight). I tried on about ten tops and bought one. As is the case every single time I go shopping, I get into the dressing room and flash back to the day I finally decided that my size 10s were falling off me and I needed some new clothes (this was spring or early summer 2004). I had an absolutely delightful time buying a raft of new capris, pants, and tops. I actually sank to the dressing room floor and broke down in tears when I found that size 6 after size 6 fit me absolutely perfectly, and I kept having to return the mediums for smalls. I had never in my life worn a size 6 and I was thrilled beyond belief.

Does it make me incredibly shallow that I loved, adored, and cherished being a size 6? No, it didn't solve any of the problems in my life, but I had one less problem since I wasn't self-conscious about my body every time I went out in public. I didn't constantly remind myself to suck in my stomach. Everything in my closet fit -- and more importantly -- looked just fine on me. I didn't have to wonder if my butt looked big or my arms looked flabby. People say that losing weight won't REALLY change your life. People lie.

Okay, yes, two in one day

I already posted this morning, but it was rather negative, and some good things have happened over the past two weeks also. My older dd has shown some interest in cooking -- finally. Of course, the first few things she wanted to make were -- natch -- desserts. My heart fell to about the level of my shoes when she wanted to make Hot Milk Cake last week. However, being the supportive mum that I am, I assisted with the cake on Thursday and it turned out rather well. I had only a couple of pieces last week, and it wasn't actually gone until Saturday (it was 8x8), when C ate the final, rather stale, piece. Then she wanted to make brownies. Then Lemon Dainties (my all-time favorite cookie made at Christmas by my mother). Oy, the torture.

I did okay -- better than okay, I'd say. I never ate more than two (tiny) brownies in one day, and I think I even skipped a day somewhere in there. I just kept telling myself, "You are not dieting. You are not going to diet. You can make brownies every single day if you want to. You can eat brownies whenever you want. Brownies are not special or forbidden...", etc. I had many fleeting "diety" thoughts, but banished them to the frozen tundra outside.

We went out to eat on Saturday after attending the golf show downtown (I am so excited -- I bought red golf shoes!). I ordered a burger, fries, and a chocolate shake (made with REAL Breyer's ice cream, no less). I very slowly and mindfully ate my burger and skipped most of my fries. They weren't that great -- and I can eat fries whenever I want, right? Of course, in all honesty, I must confess to eating at least a dozen of R's onion rings, but I did share my shake with her. If I had truly eaten mindfully, I'd have stopped sooner because I was quite full by the time we finished. The dog had a longer than normal walk that evening.

I'm excited to try golfing again. I golfed twice with DH -- then broke my leg into 40+ pieces. That was 18 months ago, and I'm hoping this summer I'll be able to give it another go. DH said I actually "wasn't bad" when we went before. Not bad is high praise for someone who bowled a 30 a few weeks ago at our bowling league. Yes, a 30. My average *was* 68, but something tells me it is going down after that performance. Oh well, my handicap will only get better. I wonder if there's an upper limit on handicaps?

It's 10:45am and I'm not hungry!

You have no idea how odd that is. As I've whinged about previously, no matter what I eat for breakfast, I'm starving by 9am. My 9-year-old dd wanted some gigantic cinnamon-raisin bagels this week and I bought them, cringing at the 290-calorie count of each. They did have 10 grams of protein each, so I figured they weren't all bad. I ate one this morning with some peanut butter (sassing the diet police the entire time). Oh man, was it good! I hadn't had a bagel in months. So with the pb and the cream in my coffee, I probably ate a 500-calorie breakfast. I usually eat a 300-350 calorie breakfast and then find myself needing a 200-calorie snack at 10am. So, I ate a bagel (which I thoroughly enjoyed) and use the same amount of calories. Woo hoo...though I do still have 2 hours until lunch.

Anyway, I've had an odd couple of weeks. I had a bad binge and felt that old desperate feeling that I will never be normal around food. I swear -- for years I've waffled back and forth about whether I can truly live in our food-laden world without weighing 170 lbs or whether I have to restrict and go hungry to lose weight. I guess I still don't know the answer, but I'm tired of the whole damn thing. I feel like a failure for being overweight, yet I know that my friends and family love me whether I'm a size 10 or a size 6. I just wish I could love me as a size 10.

On the Weigh Down, Month Two

Weight: 168 -- loss of 1.2 pounds

I'm actually rather pleased -- I was scared to get on the scale. I think it would have been a lower number 10 days ago, but I sort of freaked out starting then. Up until then I was feeling pretty relaxed -- eating healthfully, not letting myself get too hungry, eating only until satisfied, etc. I was exercising but not obsessively, and resting when I needed to rest.

Then I started that old familiar dance -- dreaming about what life would be like when I was thin again, stressing about whether or not I ate too much on a particular day, serving myself tiny servings at dinner, getting upset that I didn't walk as many steps as I had the day before, typing my food intake into fitday.com "just to check" and see how many calories I'd eaten, going to bed a bit hungry, spending too much time thinking about food and what I'd eat the next day, not lying down when I needed some rest because I had "too much to do". I was also not getting enough sleep -- getting up at 5am to walk the dog and exercise, and being awakened every single night by T's coughing or C's coughing, or C needing water or C needing her covers on or C having a bad dream....

On January 20, I fought the urge to binge from 2pm until bedtime. I was starving all day on the 21st, but didn't allow myself to eat more than I had planned to eat that day. I ate past satisfaction at lunch and dinner on the 23rd. Finally yesterday I had a binge unlike any I've had for months. It was awful. I was so tired and wanted to take a nap so badly. I'd only had a few hours of sleep between T's coughing fits every 15 minutes and C having the worst diarrhea at 11:45pm (took me 45 minutes to clean her, the bed, the floor, etc). I got off work early because I work tomorrow, but had to wait til MIL brought C home before resting. She didn't come, and didn't come, and didn't come. I finally decided to lay down anyway. I was asleep for 5-10 minutes when the phone rang. It was MIL telling me they'd be there in "a while". I couldn't fall back asleep, went downstairs, and that was all she wrote. By the time they actually got there, I was feeling rather sick.

I took R to her Girl Scout meeting, skipping dinner because (duh) I wasn't hungry. By the time we finished at 8:15pm, I was hungry and R was "famished". We went to McDonald's and I got a double cheeseburger, fries, and an ice cream cone. To be honest, the fries weren't nearly as good as I remembered them being (it's been many months since I've had them), but that didn't stop me from eating almost all of them. I was really, really full (even when I get a meal there, it's usually a kids' meal), but ate two chocolate chip cookies when I got home. I had trouble sleeping because I felt so crummy.

So....no more counting calories for me. No more trying to stay hungry "just a while while longer" before eating. No more forcing myself to go on and on like the Energizer bunny. No more.

Recovery

Anonymous asked me for some book titles in the comments for my last post. I've read soooo many and this process has been reallllly long, but there are a few that have stood out for me as being the most helpful. I think the very first one I read was Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole. It made so much sense to me and I was able to follow its principles for a while, but eventually fell back into my old habits. For me, this is not so much about giving up dieting, but about giving up the cycle of deprivation and bingeing, so IE didn't quite do the whole trick for me.

I read many of Geneen Roth's books, which had me nodding my head a lot, but didn't really give me any specifics on how to go about healing myself. However, I think everyone who eats for emotional reasons should read her book Breaking Free From Emotional Eating.

I had a class that used the book Thoughts & Feelings: taking control of your moods and your life. Working through that book helped me clarify much of my destructive thinking and started me down the road to healing.

French Toast for Breakfast by Mary Anne Cohen was fantastic. For the first time I didn't feel like a failure because I couldn't seem to live surrounded by crappy food and not eat it.

Other books that helped me along the way were:
It's Not About Food: change your mind; change your life by Carol Emery Normandi
The Rules of "Normal" Eating by Karen R Koenig
The Appetite Awareness Workbook by Linda R Craighead
Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink

I think the reality is that you can read and read and read, but not get anywhere if you don't act. I started actually *doing* the exercises in the books and workbooks, which helped me uncover feelings and reasons behind my actions that had always been a mystery to me. I started actually trying to stop myself from bingeing rather than feeling helpless in the face of a seemingly overwhelming desire to eat, eat, eat.

In the past I usually tried to wait as long as I possibly could before eating lunch or a snack, thinking that the longer I waited, the less food I'd eat over the course of the day. I came to realize that waiting until I was positively ravenous before eating did not result in weight loss so much as in the consumption of way too many carbohydrates from bread, cereal, grains, and junk food. My body was screaming to be fed and the reason I was craving cookies or potato chips had less to do with uncontrollable cravings than with the simple fact that I had waited too long to eat. My body was smarter than I -- and knew that cookies would provide the quick energy my cells needed faster than an apple. These past few weeks I have fed myself when hungry -- with nutritious, nourishing food. I have not felt any overwhelming craving for anything. Maybe it's coincidence and tomorrow I'll get that old familiar urge to binge away my boredom, stress, or exhaustion. All I can do is wait and see.

Impulse Control

I have realized recently that I am a very impulsive eater -- very subject to suggestion and the appearance of food. I am no longer the type of binger who would get into my car and drive somewhere to get food to binge on. I used to be the girl driving to Dunkin' Donuts, getting a dozen donuts, and eating part of every single one til I felt sick. I used to drive to the grocery store and fill my cart with all of my favorite binge foods, drive home, and eat as much as I could. Then I'd throw the rest away, vowing to diet the next day. I'm not sure what changed. I haven't done that for many, many years. I don't even every have the urge to buy anything from the vending machine at work.

If the food is readily available, though, I have a tendency to eat it. I tried to legalize ice cream by having it in my freezer all the time for an entire year. I just ended up eating ice cream every day. It never lost its allure for me! If others are eating a snack or a meal, I have the fight the urge to join in, hungry or not. If someone offers me food, I take it almost every time, even if it's something I don't particularly like. If my dh makes popcorn, I immediately want some, hungry or not. If I see that someone has brought in cinnamon rolls to work, my hand starts to reach for one before my brain kicks in to say, "Um...excuse me? White bread, sugar, and fat -- do you REALLY want to eat that?" Sometimes the answer is yes -- most of the time, no. It's partially habit I think. I've been doing it for so many years, it's automatic. So lately I've been practicing saying "no", which is ridiculously difficult. I've so far been able to tell dh "no" every time he's made popcorn in the past couple of weeks. I like popcorn well enough, but don't crave it too often -- and I'm not hungry when he makes it (after dinner). I have not eaten any of the treats at work for the past couple of weeks -- store bought cookies and candy aren't all that exciting anyway. Well -- I take that back -- I did eat that cinnamon roll. But it was homemade and I ate it with my lunch to blunt the sugar rush. It feels good to say "no" when I don't really want whatever is offered. Now the next thing to work on is saying "no" when people directly offer me food -- or taking it but only eating a bite or two. I haven't had the opportunity to try that one out yet.

Things are going quite well for the new me in the new year. I haven't binged since I put all of my new plans into place December 27. I've had a few binge-y moments, but was able to talk myself down before doing too much damage. The worst was the day I ate two packages of 100-calorie Lorna Doones and a small bowl of granola and milk. Not too shabby. I think listening to my meditation CD might be helping me, as well as taking walks with the dog twice a day. I used to walk only with a book on CD, but now I just walk and let my mind wander. I think my brain likes the rest. I think I might have lost a pound or two -- my pants seem a teeny bit looser. I'm resisting getting on the scale until the 27th, however.

Walkin' the Dog

If anyone out there in cyberland has difficulty forcing herself to exercise, get a dog! "Santa" brought R a Jack Russell Terror --er, Terrier four weeks ago and I have walked more in that four weeks than I have in months. To be honest, I was avoiding walking as exercise because it hurt my knee even a month ago when I took a long walk on my scrapbooking weekend. But since getting Princess I've been getting 11,000-14,000 steps on my pedometer every day (in addition to my regular stationery bike/elliptical exercise) and my knee is okay. I got shin splints at first, but they're better after a few days of walking in the grass alongside the road, instead of on the pavement. I did step in dog doo at 6:30am this morning, however. Ick.

On the Weigh Down month one

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."."~ M. Scott Peck

Weight: 169.2

Not bad -- almost what I weighed on halloween, which is the last time I stepped on the scale. I was especially pleased considering the number of cookies I ate over the past ten days. I don't want to "give up" on intuitive eating, but I have realized that constanly being surrounded by food that is unhealthy is not any way to "cure" my eating issues. As I wrote in my previous post, I have a definite problem with variety. I am not going to go on a diet, but am going to renew my efforts to resist bingeing or eating just for the sake of eating.

I sat down and really tried to think through what I need. I started listening to the book "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck. It's not a diet book, but a book on how to add joy to your life and find that elusive thing that's been missing. I've felt that "something is missing" feeling for a while now. Her first assignment is to spend 15 minutes a day doing nothing. I immediately thought, "Oh yea, right." But I listened on and realized that I've known I need more time to relax and do nothing, but have always resisted, feeling that I'm wasting time. So yesterday I hauled out my meditation CD (the one I bought in September and never opened), set the timer for 20 minutes, and listened. Section one was affirmations and section two was breathing. I was so relaxed I'm pretty sure I fell asleep. You have no idea how unusual that is for me -- the person who didn't even nap when pregnant. After the timer went off, I felt relaxed and wonderful for the rest of the day! I had no desire to compulsively eat anything all afternoon. At dinner (at my aunt Sue's house -- aunt Sue is the most fabulous cook in the universe!!) I didn't overeat. I ate three cookies, but for the first time in ages I didn't have to fight the urge to eat more, more, more when I got home. Today I listened to the CD for 15 minutes during the afternoon. I felt great when I finished.

So, at least 15 minutes of meditation is definitely on the list of what I need. I also think I need to stop being the food provider for my kids. I am turning into a food pusher -- I ask them what they want for breakfast the minute they awaken, I announce that it's lunchtime at the stroke of noon, I offer snacks, I ask if they want dessert, etc. I get stressed out when they don't eat everything I give them. I need to STOP. I will let them ask me for lunch when they're hungry -- or better yet, ask T.

I also would like to stop being the person who puts the leftovers away after dinner. T can do it. When I put them away, I end up eating more at least half of the time.

I no longer want to be the person who brings dessert to every freaking family gathering. Either that or I will start making desserts I'm not all that crazy for, or make something that isn't easy to snitch from, or at the very least make ONE dessert, not three.

I've been doing fine with exercise, so I will keep that up. The one thing I want to increase is weight training, which has fallen by the wayside since my gym issues. I will also continue to eat lots of veggies, fruits, whole grains, etc., avoid diet soda, and I'm toying with cutting out caffeine. I'm down to 1 cup of half-caf coffee per day now. I'd love to switch to green tea, and eventually decaf green tea.

I plan to weigh myself once a month and add in more changes as I go along.

wanting the biggest piece

Do you think some people are hard-wired to be greedier than others? I was reading "Mindless Eating" by Brian Wansink (quite fascinating BTW) and he found that overweight people ate more than other people in his experiments. Whether it was a never-ending soup bowl, a dish of ice cream, m&ms, or stale popcorn -- the overweight ate more than normal weight people (who also overate when faced with larger portions). Were they hungrier or were they just...greedier? As far back as I can remember I have always coveted the largest cookie, the largest piece of cake, the dish with the most pudding in it. It used to be that I'd make sure I was first in line at any buffet -- to make sure I got the food I wanted. I'd feel slightly gypped if the waitress gave the person next to me the plate that had more fries on it. I tried to get the corner piece of cake -- because it had more frosting -- well, unless the corner piece was smaller than the others. As a kid I remember eating so much at buffets -- especially desserts -- that I felt sick.

These days I still want the biggest cookie, but I hang back for the buffet line -- hoping that some of the good food is gone and I won't have to wrestle with my desire to eat some of everything. Wantsink found that people ate more when there was a variety -- even if the variety was m&ms that were all exactly the same save for color. I am definitely a variety victim. When I had tea in London, I cut all of the cakes in half so I could taste all four or five kinds. The women with me each had 1 or 2 cakes; the end. They didn't seem to feel any compulsion to taste everything available. Lately coworkers and customers have been bringing in huge platters of various kinds of cookies for us. I look at the platter with 12 different homemade goodies on it and flee. I have the same problem with menus -- I want one of everything. I agonize -- should I have the burger or a sandwich? the pancakes or an omelet? the fries or the onion rings?

I think this is really the root of my issues with food. How can I overcome my greed? Is it partially fear? I'll never have this cookie or this cake ever again! I'll never come to this restaurant again and even if I do, they may not serve this sandwich anymore! Tis true that there are ALWAYS more delicious cookies in the world and there are ALWAYS fabulous sandwiches. How can I convince myself of this truth and overcome my natural greed? I worry about finding the answer -- not just for me, but for my 9-year-old daughter. She is a skinny little thing right now, but I watched her eat five desserts at her sister's Christmas program. God forbid that my legacy to her is a lifetime of food and weight torture.

building new neural pathways...

Yesterday I had to leave work early to pick up my 9-year-old, who had a fever. It upset my planned out day and (natch) made me want to eat. I took the dog for a walk, ate my tuna and salad for lunch, and went on to make a cake my coworkers have been after me to make for them for a few weeks (I am the baker extraordinaire at work). In spite of having baked it for 15 minutes longer than the recipe said, when I took it out of the bundt pan it stuck to the pan and parts of it stayed behind.

I scraped out the parts and they looked mighty tasty. I tasted --mmmmm....chocolatey warm goodness, with lovely melted chocolate bits. I thought, OOhh..this would be so good with ice cream. I got out the ice cream, dished up a bit, and dug in. It wasn't as good as I had imagined. I thought, "I'll eat the whole thing standing here and then I'll eat the rest of the stuck cake." Then I thought, "Wait a minute, missy. You aren't the slightest bit hungry and this doesn't taste as heavenly as you thought it would. What's really going on?" I realized that I was frustrated over being home with a sick child, and was upset that the cake hadn't turned out perfectly, thus risking my fab baking reputation. I dumped everything down the sink and went on to make cookies for my daughter's school holiday program. I was fine -- ate one cookie and moved on with life.

Yea me!

Dimishing Returns

The Law of Diminishing Returns: "When someone bites into something delicious for the first time they have an amazing experience. However, by the 4th or 5th bite they're already bored no matter how wonderful the initial impression was of the dish." (from a cookbook -- can't remember which one)

Now, if only I had remembered that when it came to the pumpkin upside down cake I made for Thanksgiving. I was oh-so-sensible about the meal, eating tiny portions of the things I loved and skipping the rest. I was pretty darn full anyway. I wish I had skipped dessert and waited until I was not so full, but my MIL was dishing up and I chowed down with the rest. It was good, but would have been better had I waited until I actually felt a pang of hunger. I managed to foist off most of the leftovers on guests, but took home about 8 portions. I had one on Thursday night in lieu of dinner, two on Friday, two on Saturday, and the rest on Sunday. I guess the bright side is that I didn't eat it all on Friday!

In future when eating something fantastic (or not so fantastic) I will try to keep in mind the law of diminishing returns.

Our elliptical machine was delivered today -- I can't wait to try it out tomorrow! Though I will say that I think using the stationary bike 5-6 days a week has built up some muscle in my legs that wasn't there when I was switching between the gym's elliptical and the bike at home. I can get nearly to 80 rpm on the bike at level 3 for 45 minutes now. I was nowhere near that 3 months ago.

food labels

http://www.diet-blog.com/archives/2006/11/24/food_labels_inaccurate.php

This is why I think programs like Weight Watchers or other calorie-counting programs aren't the greatest. I tend to think "Ohhh..I have four points left (or 200 calories)! What else can I eat?" whether I'm actually hungry or not. If the labels aren't correct on products, I may not actually have four points left. We bought some subs for a school fundraiser and on the label the sub was one serving for 350 calories. It looked awfully large to me to have so few calories, especially since it had on it salami, ham, and cheese. A serving size was one sub, __ number of grams (can't remember how many). I got out my food scale and weighed it. That sub was more than 1 1/4 servings according to the weight. If I had been counting calories, I'd have been over by more than a tiny bit.

It makes so, so much more sense to me to simply eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Most of my choices are healthy ones and I don't have to be afraid of holiday meals -- or any meals.

another lesson learned

So, I went 10 days without bingeing or even overeating. I was hungry some of the time, but usually ate when I was hungry. I practiced leaving the dining room/kitchen after dinner so that I wasn't tempted to entertain or distract myself with food. Yea, me. I also talked myself out of eating just because I was procrastinating or bored. I had "last supper thoughts" several times, but told myself not to be ridiculous. So far, so good.

I went off to a scrapbooking weekend and learned another valuable lesson: food doesn't help you be less tired and cranky. This particular weekend is a yearly thing for me and is always a major food-fest because every woman brings a snack to share with the group. The organizer's mom always brings a decadent thing that consists of pretzels, m&ms, and Chex cereal covered with white chocolate and I usually make myself sick on it. So this year I told myself "You are a normal eater. You eat when hungry. You stop when satisfied"...you know the drill. Friday night I ate a very small dinner and was fine. I got hungry around 11 and had a small bowl of snacks -- okay. I even discovered that I don't really like the decadent snack all that much (!)

Saturday I ate small meals, skipped the snacks -- all was well! Wheeee..... Then I got really tired and rather cranky around 10pm (3 hours of sleep the night before will do that to you). I started eating and probably ate about 2000 calories worth of junk food. It didn't help -- I was still tired and cranky. So....lesson definitely learned. When tired, go to sleep!!!! Duh.

hunger

Do you think "normal" eaters spend a lot of time hungry? I've done well this past week with normal eating -- no overeating, no bingeing. But I've spend a lot of time hungry. No matter what I eat for breakfast at 7am (and I've tried it all, from oatmeal to peanut butter toast to frozen South Beach pizzas!), I'm hungry by 10am and positively ravenous by noon. My lunch is usually at 1pm so I almost always eat some sort of snack around 11, but it doesn't usually do much for me. After lunch I'm okay for a few hours, but I'm almost always ravenous again by 5pm. It seems ridiculous. What in the heck do normal people eat that they're not constantly dwelling on how hungry they are?

ineffective coping skills

I didn't weigh myself this morning. Part of it was fear about what I'd see after having a bingey evening on Monday. But I'm also tired of having my mood dictated by the scale. I'm going to see how long I can hold off on weighing myself. I think (unless you count the time I was bedridden 16 months ago) the longest I've ever gone is 3 weeks or so.

At our CORE meeting Saturday, we were working through one of the steps in the 12-step marriage book (it's not as weird as it sounds), and I copied down something that struck me. It said "ineffective coping skills are a learned behavior. What is learned can be unlearned -- it is not a part of me or my character". It gave me new hope -- what is learned can be unlearned. Being a binge or compulsive eater is not part of me or my character.

It also went on to say that continuing in your coping behavior just means that your instincts are misdirected toward the fulfillment of needs you have as a human being. Acceptance of the underlying needs within you that are not being met is what brings transformation. Devising a more enlightened reasonable plan for dealing with your needs is the answer. The rule is that you take 100% responsibility for your behaviors.

So, what are the underlying needs not being met in me?